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Maddie walks out of the room and Eddie can tell she was unable to crack Buck. He can be so stubborn when he wants to, surprisingly even more stubborn than Eddie and that's a feat that Eddie shouldn’t be proud of but he is nonetheless. She shakes her head and moves to sit beside Chim who offers her a cup of much needed coffee. He sighs, putting the urge to get one for himself beneath his need to talk to Buck. The more he delays the talk, the less chances of convincing Buck without anyone shedding tears of frustration or sadness.
He walks into the room and Buck’s sitting on the bed with a frown that’s set too deep between his brows. He looks troubled. His head snaps up when Eddie shuffles in but other than the brief eye contact he doesn’t acknowledge Eddie’s presence, so Eddie pulls the discarded chair close to the bed and sits on it patiently. Buck’s gonna break eventually. He always breaks under the silence, especially when the other party is none other than Eddie Diaz.
Buck tries, Eddie will give him that, for approximately ten minutes before huffing in annoyance, crossing his arms over his chest and fixing his stern gaze on Eddie.
“Say it already,” He grumbles, like a scolded kid, scratching his cheek where the dusting of his stubble is showing.
“Say what?” Eddie’s left eyebrow shoots up to feign confusion in war with the quirk of his lip to show quiet smugness. He can be smug later when Buck isn't sulking, looking exhausted to the bones in a hospital bed.
“That I should have listened to you,” Buck shoots back with a hiss like it’s physically painful to admit it.
Eddie sees it for what it is: an opportunity .
He leans forward in the chair like a predator waiting for the right moment to jump the prey but deflates when he sees the open look on Buck’s face that is pure trust. It has Eddie slumping back in the chair with a sigh.
“You can always do it when you get another chance,” He says, now nonchalantly, finger playing with the frayed thread of his old jeans.
Buck narrows his eyes at him suspiciously, which is quite disrespectful, as if Eddie would ever be conniving enough to trick him into doing something. He would never .
“What are you not telling me?” Buck asks, leaning over the guardrail that one of the nurses have pulled up as if Buck’s a toddler that might roll over and face-plant on the floor in his sleep. His eyes widen as Buck’s hand slips over the railing and he almost falls over. Eddie’s out of the chair instantly, hand swiftly catching his arms and pulling him back up with a groan, that’s part effort and part exasperation because Buck really did get defeated by a guardrail meant for your protection. He shouldn't have thought so low of the nursing staff. They clocked this man and his luck (clumsy ass) the moment he got re-admitted.
“Idiot,” He whispers after Buck’s situated on the bed once again, feeling proud for keeping it in for so long. Buck is more composed now. He keeps the smile, waiting to spill past his lips, bitten tightly between his teeth.
“So what’s this another chance?” Buck graciously ignores his jibe and repeats his question with a raised eyebrow that’s a poor but cute imitation of The Diaz’ eyebrow of judgement and pressure. His is on par with Chris’.
“Are you still mad enough to be petty to the point of disregarding your own health, safety and well-being?” Eddie asks, exceptionally calm for someone who’s shot some – well – shots. Buck looks like he’s just walked out of a burning house, face contorting between confusion, anger and a secret third thing that Eddie can only hope for.
“What?” The curly blonde haired man decides one word is enough to counter all the nonsense Eddie has just sprouted. It is not, if you ask Eddie.
“You heard me,” He prompts, scooting closer, eyes crinkling around the eyes.
“Yes, I did and I think it makes no sense. I would never be petty enough to forsake myself-”
“I know, Buck,” Eddie cuts him off, voice growing soft and vulnerable as he leans forward but this time it’s open and inviting as he looks at Buck. He knows it best that Buck could never be petty enough to forsake himself. Buck only ever forsakes himself for someone else. Every single time.
Buck grows quiet, quieter than usual. Hands coming to rest in his lap as if he knows. He acknowledges the silences between them for what it is.
“I…I didn't mean-”
“You didn't mean to not take your medication?”
Buck stiffens, lines of shoulders growing taught as he turns his face away and grumbles something under his breath. When he turns back, his face is full of guilt but his eyes are still defiant. He’s regretful that Eddie found out, he hasn’t an ounce of regret for what he did to himself. Eddie’s jaw clenches in anger that he quickly swallows.
“I’m going to tell you something and you’re gonna listen to me very carefully. I won’t interfere with your decision or choice in the end but I need you to know what kind of consequences your decision might have on you and us – everyone around you.”
Buck nods and turns to him just a little bit more. Eddie thinks Buck is a little bit aware of what Eddie wants to tell him and it’s like Buck’s chosen him to be the mouthpiece. He needs to hear this from Eddie and no one else. It could also be just Eddie’s wishful thinking but who’s keeping tabs on his delusion.
“Dr. Jonathan believes that you’re rejecting the transition. Not just by not taking the medication. You’re actively resisting the change and it’s taking a toll on you both mentally and physically. This is not good for you. Jonathan thinks that they need to keep you under observation and…”
“And?”
Eddie is still surprised by the lack of questions. Buck is so accepting of this as if he knew exactly what he was doing.
“They want to start you with the LOSRP procedure as soon as possible to keep the damage at the minimum.”
“What if I refuse the procedure?” Buck asks, tentatively, like he’s aware of what it might do to Eddie.
“You won’t,” Eddie says, a little too sternly for it to be a mere suggestion.
“What if I do Eddie? What then?”
“Do you know what that could do to you? Do you have any idea?” Eddie’s voice slightly rises towards the end, anger barely contained now.
“Endocrine crisis…Immune system failure? Bonding stability syndrome? Yes, Eddie, I’m aware of what it can do to me.”
Eddie sits a little numb as he stares at Buck, heart thudding in his chest and each heartbeat is like a punch to his lungs, seizing his air in a painful hold. Buck looks too calm for someone counting all the things that could lead to perhaps a painful death.
“You still,” He hesitates, eyes shifting in nervousness, “have the nerve to ask me what if you refuse treatment.” The nervousness evaporates into anger and helplessness as Buck looks at him with a calm expression.
Buck looks away and slumps in on himself as if this has taken a lot out of him. Eddie shares the fucking sentiment. He stands up, ignores the toppled over chair with a huff, turns around with a suppressed groan of frustration.
“I can’t believe you!” He turns around with a snarl.
He ignores the way Buck flinches and steps back, unintentionally kicking the chair. He ignores the way Buck’s breath stutters as he looks up at Eddie in shock and worry. He stops and points a finger at him in accusation. “No…I can’t believe myself for thinking you wouldn't know. I can’t believe myself! I thought I came prepared for everything.”
He turns his back to Buck, not being able to look at him as his eyes blink back tears. He won’t cry in front of Buck. “You’re so full of surprises Buck. God, I’m such an idiot.” His voice mellows in despair as he slowly turns around. “I…I was so scared. I still am! It’s so easy for you. No? Endocrine crisis, you say? Immune system failure, huh? You say it like I won’t have to watch you loose every shred of your sanity slowly and painfully and then succumb to a fucking flu because your body couldn't give two shits about you anymore after the way you’ve treated it! Goddamnit, Buck!” He turns around to walk out.
“Eddie.”
His steps stutter. He doesn't turn around.
“You want to die? Then die somewhere I can’t see you.”
Eddie doesn't wait for a response and leaves immediately. He doesn't stop to give anyone a chance to ask him anything. He pushes past Hen who tries to stop him, a question on her lips, terror in her eyes. He doesn't have the heart to tell her what Buck’s told her. He doesn't have the courage to look these people in the eye and… so he does what he’s always feared, he walks away.
He gets a call fifteen minutes after he’s left the hospital. Christopher’s voice filters through the speaker like a balm that soothes everything for an instant.
“Dad, how’s Buck?”
How is Buck? He doesn't know. He has no idea for the first time in his life and for the first time in eternity he doesn't want to know. He runs his hand in his already dishevelled hair.
“He’s in the hospital. They are trying to treat him.”
“He must be really scared. You know what Dad. I’m always so surprised by the way Buck shows everything and hides everything at the same time. You remember that day when you locked yourself in. Buck was scared too. I could tell but he…He held me. He kept holding me. He kept telling me that you would never hurt me. I knew it but it was like he was telling it to himself too like he believed it and still couldn't believe that a parent could hurt their kid when you literally locked yourself in to keep me out of anything that could have gone wrong. He does that a lot, you know. Around us.”
“Yeah?” His voice shakes from the emotions. Buck believes like his life depends on it. His uncertainty always wins in the end. His uncertainty wins in the end.
“It’s good that he has us. Bring him home Dad so we can take care of him.”
“Ok. Love you, Chris.”
“Love you too, Dad.”
Eddie runs back in and when Bobby steps in front of him in panic, he staggers backwards to keep his balance.
“Bobby?”
“Eddie…Buck”
Eddie doesn't wait to hear the rest of it, he makes a dash for the ward and stops when he sees a thoroughly pissed off Jonathan standing beside an empty hospital bed. Jonathan rounds the bed and strides towards him, hands flying to grab his collar before he snarls.
“I told you to convince him to get treated! What the fuck did you say to him that he disappeared into thin air?”
Eddie’s own growl starts deep in his throat as the scent of another alpha infiltrates his senses.
“Let go!” He pushes the man back and turns around to go look for Buck.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going! You reek of anger, you look ready to rip out someone’s throat. Do you want to find Buck in this state? He’s an Omega Eddie! Whether he or you realize it or not.”
Eddie’s anger deflates as he steps back to breathe and look around like a caged animal. “I- I can’t just sit here and do nothing.”
“Then do something. Think about what you’re going to say to him when he does want to talk to you. I have a feeling he will want to see you even after whatever you did.”
Jonathan almost bumps into Maddie who is looking around as if looking twice might summon Buck. She does stop when she spots Eddie sitting on the hospital bed with a dejected look. She walks over to him and puts a hand on his shoulder. He looks up at her and immediately looks away in guilt.
“I was supposed to convince him to get treated. He…I don’t know what happened. I just completely lost it when he didn’t seem to care…I’m sorry Maddie.”
Maddie takes a seat beside him and sighs. “I knew something like this would happen. I just didn't think it would happen so soon. Buck doesn't do well with change, Eddie. I believe you’d know it better than anyone else. I know how he acted when you first joined the 118.”
Eddie lets out a huff of laughter unintentionally, remembering how Buck acted like a territorial dog when Eddie started working at the 118 and how adament Eddie was to see the renowned resident golden retriever side that Buck was hiding behind his piss poor attitude and annoyance.
He sighs and looks up at Maddie. Maddie who is looking at the door but not taking her hand off from where it rests on Eddie’s shoulder. He stands up and turns to Maddie. “I’ll fix this.” It’s as much a promise to Maddie as it is to himself. He will fix this no matter what.
Maddie gives him an encouraging look, “I know you will.”
There must be better ways to deal with your emotions, ways that don’t involve being a fugitive in the hospital. Buck looks at his hands, his gaze slowly travels up his arms. He shakes his head and then looks at his legs and his socks-covered feet resting on the dirty ground. He raises his hand and touches his face slowly, deliberately. It’s the same . His hand slowly comes down to his neck where the patch rests as a nuisance. Ah, there it is . It really isn’t the same. He pulls his legs up against his chest and burrows his face between his knees.
A few minutes later he feels someone sit beside him. He slowly looks up and comes across Dr. Jonathan. He almost rolls his eyes. This man cannot mind his business if his life depended on it. He kinda reminds Buck of himself. Buck just isn’t in the mood to deal with himself or anything resembling himself.
“Are you always invested in your patients' recovery or am I special?”
Jonathan takes no offense from his words or tone. He genuinely thinks before he answers, “Well not always. I’d say most of the time. As for your other question. Yeah. You are pretty special.”
“That the first time I’ve hated someone calling me special. A guy gotta fear his life if those words come out of the mouth of a doctor, a scientist or policeman.”
Jonathan laughs out loud at that and Buck sees him relax as well.
“I’m glad your humor wasn’t affected.”
Buck puts his chin on his folded arms and looks at the elderly patients walking around with nurses or family members accompanying them. “They must be worried.”
“Your family?”
He doesn’t respond and that is answer enough.
“They were. I’ve informed the head-nurse. But rest assured, no one’s coming to get you until and unless you wanna leave.”
Buck turns to him again, “Why are you doing this? Aside from the fact that I’m an intriguing case for you. Why are you-”
“I understand Buck,” Jonathan interrupts, hands clenching together in front of him with a frown.
“No, you don’t. Nobody understands. Have your choices been ripped out of your hands all your life? Have you lived a life where nothing feels real anymore? Have you been told you are nothing but faulty equipment by the very people who are supposed to love you unconditionally? Have you had your partner look at you differently because of something that was never under your control?”
“No,” Jonathan says, eyes as calm as ever.
Buck scoffs, putting his feet down and standing up. He looks down at Jonathan with something close to annoyance. “Then you don’t,” He practically spits then turns around to walk away. His movements come to a halt when he feels a hand circle his wrist, jerking him to a stop.
“I understand it Buck, not because I’ve been you but because I had to see someone I love fight and fail the battle you’ve been thrust into. I had to watch and accept the fact that I could do nothing to help. I refuse to let that happen again,” He whispers the last part, hand squeezing around Buck’s wrist before loosening and retreating. “I am very well aware of the fact that this is your life and your choice and your pain that nobody understands no matter what they say but you have to see that this isn’t a losing battle you’re fighting alone. You just have to believe in yourself first and then me. I will help you Buck. You will be fine.”
Buck looks down at the man whose shoulders look heavier than ever. It's as if Buck can see the burden the shoulders are carrying. “We’re not supposed to make promises.”
Jonathan laughs and stands up in front of Buck. He is just now noticing that the man is taller than him. His eyes crinkle as his chuckles wither down to a contained smile. “Well we aren’t supposed to chase our patients either but here I am. Do you have any idea how many stairs I had to climb?”
Buck tilts his head in confusion, “What about the elevator?”
Jonathan’s smile gets wiped off as he steps back. “Huh, Nurse Haley is right. I really don’t know how to make jokes.”
Time stands still and then Buck laughs prompting time to resume once again.
“Ok we need to head back. My staff can do so much to hold back your guard dog.”
Buck nods, completely ignoring the later comment. It’s as they are walking towards the elevator that Buck turns to Jonathan and says, “Will you tell me more?”
Jonathan picks up on the hesitation and pats his arm in reassurance, “You’re gonna have to get an appointment, kid.”
Buck shakes his head but the smile doesn't fall from his face this time.
The moment they enter the ward Eddie is rushing over with a gasp and a pained look. His hands automatically reach out to hold Buck by his arms and then he frantically checks him. “Are you ok? Are- are you hurt? I…Where did you go?”
Jonathan steps forward but doesn’t get the chance to intervene as Maddie’s voice cuts through Eddie’s worried rambling.
“Eddie…”
Eddie glances back and then turns back to Buck a lot calmer than before. It’s in that moment that Jonathan catches the startled look on Buck’s face, his eyes fixed on the patch that is covering Eddie’s scent glands. He shares a look with Maddie and slowly backs out of the room. Maddie is right behind him.
“I need to make a call.” She excuses herself as Jonathan sits on one of the waiting chairs outside the ward.
Buck’s hand slowly comes up to touch Eddie’s patch. “You’re still wearing one?”
Eddie shies away from the touch but doesn’t really step back. “It’s become sort of a habit.”
Buck smiles and nods in finality. “I’ll do it. The treatment, I’ll do it.”
Eddie looks at him, first in shock, then amazement and finally so much gratitude as if Buck’s just told him he’ll save Eddie’s life. His legs almost buckle, he almost falls to his knees but he braces himself before pulling Buck into his arms.
“I love you!”
They both freeze for two completely different reasons before Eddie chuckles and pulls. “I’m sure you know how much we all love you.”
Buck’s eyes dim in disappointment, Eddie would have picked on it if he wasn’t looking at the wall behind Buck. “I know.”