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The first time Kanade was at the bridge, it was when she was a child. She had held her parent's hands as they walked together, watching the water glisten in the river.
"There's a delicious udon place near, do you want to go there Kanade?" Her mom had asked, her warm voice making Kanade giggle.
"Yeah!" Kanade chirped happily and skipped through the bridge, the beautiful waters slowly leaving her view.
"Dad, I'm hungry." Kanade whispered, pulling at her dad's shirt. It had been a week since her mother's death, and her dad adsentmindedly suggested a walk to the bridge. Kanade thought it was odd, but remembered the udon she had and agreed. But instead of walking to the restaurant, her dad just stood at the bridge, staring at the waters.
"..." Mr Yoisaki mumbled something under his breath. He was getting dangerously close to the edge. Kanade followed him, feeling scared.
"Dad, can we get some dinner?" Kanade asked, grabbing his hand. Kanade's dad seemed to snap back into reality, and looked at Kanade with an expression she couldn't quite read.
"I'm sorry, Kanade."
Those words seemed to hold more meaning than 'I'm sorry I didn't get you dinner'. Not that Kanade knew that at that age. Tears pooled in Mr Yoisaki's eyes, and he hugged Kanade.
"I'm sorry."
Kanade couldn't do anything. She just hugged her father back with her little arms.
They didn't get dinner that day. Instead, they watched the water while Kanade had an ice cream cone.
Kanade silently walked towards the bridge. She hadn't been there in years, as her family rarely started leaving the house. Kanade feels her stomach twist as she gets closer. There's a energy drink can in one hand, a box of pills in her pocket. Kanade reaches the edge of the bridge.
"I- I'm sorry, dad." Kanade whispered, tears pooling in her eyes. They started falling, dropping into the water below the bridge. Kanade covered her face and sobbed. People were walking by. They were whispering. Kanade wishes they would just leave already so she can do what she wants to do.
Kanade contemplates for a second, she doesn't know which will be a better death. Drowning or overdosing? If she drowns, nobody would find her, but it would be painful. If she overdoses, she won't feel pain, but her body would be found. It's funny really, if she cares about pain, why is she thinking about killing herself?
When Kanade finally decides to climb up the fence, a pair of hands pull her away.
Turns out, if you are audibly sobbing at the ege of a bridge, people get worried and call the police. The police officers drove her to the station, then back home. Kanade doesn't really remember much. She just remembers crying and refusing to go to the psych ward when they discussed it with her.
Somehow she was returned back home. Kanade still wants to kill herself. But now the fear is bigger than the will to do so. If she gets caught again, she'll definitely have to go to the psych ward... Kanade doesn't want that. She has to compose.
Like nothing happened, Kanade placed her headphones over her ears and started composing. In her mind, nothing happened at all.
Kanade hasn't been back at the bridge for ages. It isn't until one day, her friends suggest walking to the bridge after having dinner together. Kanade watches the city lights bounce on the water.
"Oh! I see a takoyaki truck over there! Should we get- Kanade?" Mizuki tried to run over to the takoyaki truck until they were stopped by Ena. Kanade didn't move at all, just staring at the water.
"Kanade." Mafuyu called out, a hint of disdain in her voice. Mafuyu knew what Kanade was thinking, probably because she thought of it too.
"Kanade." Mafuyu said strongly, fear evident as she walked to grab Kanade's hand. Kanade seemed to snap out of it, looking back at her friends with a watery laugh. They all knew what she was thinking. They had thought of it too.
"Did you know," Kanade's voice came out strained, painful. "They fine your remaining family if you commit suicide here. Because it takes money and time to retrieve the body for the funeral." Kanade laughed, but it sounded more like a sob.
Mafuyu, Ena and Mizuki fell silent. None of them asked how Kanade knew this information. Instead, they waited for Kanade to say more, to vent if she wanted.
"And the reasons why the fences are so high up now, is because of all the people that died here. When I tried, it was only up to my shoulders..." Kanade gripped the fence, it was taller than she was and impossible to climb. Tears fell rapidly.
"Nobody knows. Nobody knows how many times I wanted to come back here. But I'm a coward in every single way, and I was scared. So I never came back. And I don't want to come back." Kanade placed her arm over her face, trying to hide her tears.
"Dying isn't the answer. It's too scary to be the answer. I don't want you guys to die. I don't want you to disappear. I want to disappear, but I'm too scared. So please," Kanade gasped for air, looking at her friends.
"Stop me from this cycle of pain."
They fell silent. Kanade froze in place, just staring at the water as she thought of her father. He probably thought the same thing that night. Kanade thought about herself, all those years ago. Oh, how afraid that little girl was. Kanade felt a pair of arms wrap around her. Then two, then three. As if they were trying to comfort the child inside her.
"It's okay, Kanade." Mafuyu said.
"We'll get through this. You're right, although we all want to disappear, that isn't the answer..." Mizuki whispered, their grip tightening on Kanade.
"You can cry as much as you want. We won't go away." Ena said. Kanade gripped onto their arms, sobbing into their shoulders.
"I don't want to die. I don't want any of you to die..."
"We won't. Not now."
A few years passed. Kanade is able to look at the bridge again. Kanade doesn't want to die anymore. She has a life she could have never dreamed of all those years ago. Kanade is happy, something she hasn't felt in a while.
"Thank you, for staying alive."