Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

After graduating college, I was finally ready to do the job I always wanted to do. I had applied for worker in a mental hospital. It contained patients with many forms of psychiatric disabilities. I couldn't call it a madhouse, but some patients could be pretty lunatic. I always wanted to help such patients. My aunt had a comparable disability. I always loved to take care of her when we went to visit her. That was the first time I knew I wanted to help people with such conditions. I had graduated from high school when I was 18 and had taken the psychological section of my college. My life wasn't bad at all. Although, one struggle got in the way for several years. The moment I found myself having a crush on a girl in class, I knew it was different from my old boyfriends. I knew, from that moment, that I was gay. I never had an actual girlfriend before. I hooked up with some stupid college girls, but there never was anything serious going on. I just wanted a girl who cared about me, and not about my ability to give her the slightest orgasm. Because that's all they cared about, sex.

"Goodmorning!" Mister Sanders, my new boss, pulled me from my stare as he extended his arm. I gave him a hand and greeted back.

"We are very happy to have you here, today is a perfect day to start. Walk with me to my office, then I can hand you the right papers and files." He spoke with his low voice and headed off to his office.

"Take a seat, do you want coffee?" He asked.

"Yes, thank you." I sat down and quietly observed him. He was a black man, wearing a light-blue business shirt with a dark red tie. He placed two mugs underneath the spout of the coffee machine. I looked around the office. I noticed a small picture hanging on the wall. A picture of him, surrounded by smiling patients and contributors. I played with my bracelet while noticing how well the office looked. The man really had his stuff together. He placed the two mugs on drink coasters and sat down.

"So, Selena Marie Gomez, am I pronouncing that right?" He said while looking at his computer screen. I shook my head.

"It's Gómez, with the emphasis on the O." I corrected. He nodded and went on.

"We have two departments in our institute: The primary and the secondary department. On the secondary department live the patients with just a small form of mental illness. On the primary department live the patients, who's case are a bit more severe. They cannot leave their hut without permission or guidance. You will help treat both of the departments, depending on your shifts." He explained and handed me a file. I opened the map and browsed through the reports of different patients. They all reported their basic information, but also social specialties.

"These are your patients. They are divided between those two departments. And here is a list of your schedule. Do you have any questions?"

"Not yet." I said truthfully. He laughed.

"You can always visit me to ask questions, but keep in mind that you are responsible for your patients if it's your shift. Here is an emergency belt." He handed me a belt with a little box on the side that contained buttons.

"Listen carefully. The red button is for a moment when a patient brings you or other patients in danger. Other workers will quickly come to help you. The green button is for a moment when a patient has a medical malfunction, such as seizures or physical damage. The ambulance will be called right away and workers will help in this case as well. The blue button is for when something is wrong with your schedule. Whether it's a colleague who doesn't show up or you find out you have two shifts at a time. Clear"

"Crystal." I put on the belt.

"Then you can now go to the second floor, room 14b. Kris will wait for you there."

"Hi! You must be Selena." Kris gave a hand. Kris was a short woman with blond hair and big glasses. She looked extremely attractive, but probably straight.

"Yeah, and you must be Kris then?"

"Yes, good guess. May I?" She pointed at the file that Mister Sanders had given me. I nodded and gave it to her. She studied the patients and had a specific reaction to each one of them.

"Oh he is so sweet, you'll love him! She is so boring, don't play chess with her, she'll never stop. Ouch that's a toughy." She waited for a moment when she flipped the page to one of the patients from the primary department.

"Wait, you have her? I thought somebody had that shift already. Oh well, maybe she left, I hadn't seen her in days. You must be her replacement then. You've got some work to do with this girl, nobody really understands her." I grabbed the file back and looked at the page.

Full name: Demetria Devonne Lovato (strictly prefers to be called Demi)

Age: 23 (20th August, 1992)

Date institutionalization: 4th February, 2002 (aged 9)

I saw a picture of her next to her name. A young woman, with pretty dark-brown eyes, and black hair. Her face was damaged, as if someone had tried to claw her eyes out with its nails. Her traumatized face expression dug into my soul. I looked at the description of her illness.

Highly traumatized by a memory she keeps as a secret. Has a massive lack of social skills. Suffers from panic attacks and tantrums. Does not participate any activities on own will. Makes unpredictable and jerky movements. Makes peculiar and odd eye movements. Received epileptic attacks at least once a week. Barely shows particular emotions, such as: happiness, sadness or disgust.

I sighed. She must have a horrible life.

I took my schedule again, after having introduced myself many times. The people were really sweet here. I think I had made a great first impression. It was time to meet her. Demi. I walked over to the primary department. It was a little scary in this corridor. The lights were dimmed and two people yelled scary words. I stopped at hut 2f and peeked through the small window of the door. She sat with her back faced to the door, just a few inches away from the opposite wall. She didn't do anything, she just stared to it while having her head lowered. I held my fingers against my lips before entering. How was I going to start? Every patient included a checklist in its report. It was a one-time thing, because it was my first day here. They literally wrote down the things she used to do, from saying hello to saying goodbye. I opened the door. She only moved her head a little to the side, but I couldn't see her face yet. I closed the door and quickly checked my list.

Greets back

"Hi." I began. She quickly lifted her head up when she noticed I wasn't her usual caregiver, but she didn't look at me, let alone that she spoke a word. I crossed through the first sentence with my black pen. I saw her sighing when she heard the ball of my pen making noise against the clipboard. I thought about it. Maybe she already had so many caregivers. What if they all began the same way as I do now? I didn't want to be a regular caregiver to her. I threw the clipboard on her bed, just to see her reaction. But she didn't react at all. I bit my lip.

"I brought food for you, but if I want to hand you these delicious sandwiches, I think the wall is in the way." I smirked. I placed the food on her desk and sat next to it.

"You can get up and grab it if you want." I said. She now finally turned her face to me. She was even prettier than I thought. Just like the photo showed, she had wounds around her eyes. She looked surprised at me, but then slowly turned her head back to its previous position. The other caregivers must have treated her as if she couldn't move on her own. I know she could.

"Aren't you hungry? If you don't eat, I won't be able to play games with you as well." I said with a teasing tone. I kept being careful though, because in the back of my mind I knew she could get a tantrum. I rested my elbows on my knees and studied her. Her lower arms were glued to the arms of the chair. Her hands were bended in an odd way. And her head was still pointed at the wall. She then turned around again and looked at me, and then to the food. Her lips told me she was hungry. Ha, a way to put her in motion. She sighed and tensed her lips. Irritation. She probably tricked all of her previous caregivers by letting them think she wasn't capable of doing anything. I was not that stupid. She finally got up and faced to me. She looked tensed, her shoulders were lifted a little and her fists were clenched. She stepped closer to me while her head quivered in small shocks. Her eyes pointed to several ways in flashes. She stopped in front of the food while her head was faced to me. I crossed my arms, she could eat on her own. She grabbed the sandwich, started eating and then drank her water on end. Good. After finishing it she went back to her chair, exactly the way she came. She turned her chair around and stared at me, emotionlessly. All of the sudden, the most peculiar question came out of her mouth.

"How are you?" She asked. I raised my eyebrows of surprise.

"I'm good, thank you. How are you?" I said with an intentional impressed voice. She moved her eyes to several points now, as she looked more frustrated than ever. The sudden eye movements actually looked quite scary.

"No. How ARE you?" She emphasized. What did she mean? Didn't she believe that I was feeling good today?

"Uhm, well just a little tired. That's all." I answered truthfully. But she responded even more frustrated and turned her head away. She went back to turn her seat around, but I wasn't having any of the nasty behavior. I quickly got up to stop her.

"Hey, hey, come on! What s wrong?" I said. But as soon as I placed my hands on her arms to stop her from turning the chair, she snapped. She recoiled and screamed at me. I was shocked and confused. I held my arms up of surrender. How could a girl her age grow up to be like this? She stopped screaming and looked at me. She did nothing but stare at me with her traumatized face expression. With her eyebrows frowned and her shoulders still lifted. Her eyes dug into my soul and it pained me. I couldn't bare it. She looked at me for over a minute without doing anything. What was she doing?

I finally recollected myself together and made an attempt to turn the chair back around.

"N-no." She softly grumbled, but I gave a menacing face back. She quickly stepped back and looked down. If we wanted things to work, she at least needed to listen to me. I turned the chair around and made a gesture for her to sit on it. I knew I wanted to handle her different than her previous caregivers, but she gave me no choice. Because if I acted a little different, she would only do different things to me as well. I sat down on her bed and grabbed the checklist again. She kept making small noises of telling me I wasn't doing anything right, but I ignored it. I clicked the pen open.

"Greets back." She said suddenly. I looked at her, then to the clipboard and back at her.

"You can check it."

"But you didn't greet back." I said. She looked down again while frowning.

"Pursues standard conversation. Obeys formal orders. Eats and drinks. Obeys orders to get to bed. Brushed teeth. Doesn't prohibit to get in her pajamas. Goes to bed without issues. Falls asleep without interfering the caregiver or other patients." She enumerated all the things on the list. I looked surprised at her, but she went on.

"Make sure, colon. Wounds are taken care of." She pointed at the bandages around her legs, wrists and pulled her shirt up to show her bandaged hip. "Nails are cut." She held her hands up. "Patient didn't steal cutlery." She pointed at her plate, with all of the cutlery on it. "Patient doesn't have any forms of elastic bands or cords in possession." She held her arms up and then brushed her hands through her untied hair. "Patient has taken all her prescribed medicines." She pointed at the little jar of medicine I had taken with me. I found her act brilliant, yet rude.

"I am the one who needs to study the list, not you." I confronted. She frowned once again and spit a stain of saliva, only a few inches from my feet. I wanted to get mad at her, but her eyes told me there was nothing I could make her believe. She headed off to her bathroom and did everything the list said. I watched without saying a thing. She even dared to grab the jar of medicine by herself. She laid herself in bed and kept quiet for the rest of the evening. She made it look like she never did anything that was on the papers. Like she never committed self destruction or that she never stole cutlery or elastic bands. But she did, I wasn't stupid. The wounds she had all over her body were caused by herself. Her face was full of scratches and her arms and legs full of cuts. I still sat on the chair at the opposite side of the room. She fully lay against the wall, breathing through the gap between the wall and the bed. I read a magazine with my flashlight while waiting for her to fall asleep. I was exhausted. I saw in the corner of my eye how her breath decreased slowly. Was I the only one who found her more interesting than any other patient? She was just extremely gorgeous, but so damaged. I wondered what happened to her. She has been in a psychiatric hospital since she was nine years old for God's sake.

After half an hour I finally gently closed the door behind me. Kris already stood in front of me.

"She is a tough one, isn't she?" She whispered.

"She is... complicated, but not tough. I think we can get used to each other." I said while walking to the front door with her.

"Good luck with that, once she thinks you're bearable, she'll start to ask weird questions." Kris lit up a cigarette after exiting the building. Did she only ask weird questions if she thought I was bearable?

"How long will that take for her?" I asked.

"If she likes you, about 3 weeks. If not, it could take years." She explained. But Demi asked me that weird question about how I am already. Did she find me bearable already?

Chapter Text

I woke up the next morning with great confusion. I finally had my dream job, after working for it for more than a decade. I was really happy about it, but my thoughts were somehow only aimed at Demi. The desire for knowledge ate me alive that night. I wanted to know how she got here, how she came to be this way. Did she have family who visited her?

"Mister Sanders!" I called after him while running towards him. He turned around.

"I-I want to ask something."

"Shoot." He said with a smile.

"Could you maybe inform me about Demi?" I asked.

"Who?" He took a sip from his coffee while he looked at two patients walking by.

"Lovato." I added.

"Ah! The confusing girl from the primary department. Sit down with me." We sat down at one of the tables of the cafeteria.

"I remember the day she was brought here. She was only a 9 year old kid. She was brought by a few doctors from the hospital, they told me she had been in a fire at her own house. The fire killed her parents. Nobody knew how the fire started, it didn't start in the kitchen. They thought Demi had set the house on fire, because she behaved inhuman at the hospital. They thought she was crazy. But after a research, the house appeared not to be lit up on purpose. Demi didn't do anything, but something must have led her to be the way she is now. They couldn't diagnose her with a specific mental illness, she once was a normal girl. She was highly self-destructive since the first day she was here. She has been depressed until the present. Many psychiatrists believe she needs somebody to love. But when family visited her or when we send a caregiver that gave her the love she needed, she'd always scream at them. We gave up on her after four years of trying to make her normal again." He took another sip of his coffee and left me speechless.

"You gave up too soon." I said.

"Listen, my friend, there was nothing we could do anymore. We tried everything. We even tried to school her after we found out she wasn't schooled at all. She can't read or write." He said.

"I'm going to give a try. To make her behave like a decent person. I'm sure she can be." I stated.

"I wouldn't count on it."

The hours flew away before it was my turn to tuck the distracted girl in bed again. I opened the door and saw how Demi sat faced to the opposite wall. I closed the door behind me and stared at her while thinking. I didn't want this girl to dislike me. If I wanted to help her, she needed to like me. I shove the plate of food on the table and sat down.

"Hi." I said. I felt a great déjà u at that moment. She inhaled deeply. I noticed she had bended over, with her forehead glued to the wall.

"What are you doing?" I asked. She still didn't say a word. I got up and sat on her bed to see her looking at the cracks in the wall. She softly caressed them with the nails of her left hands. She breathed through her mouth, which was slightly open. Her eyes aimed up and down in short shocks.

"Are you going to do everything by yourself again, today?" I asked. She turned her head to me, still with her forehead pasted on the white wall. I now saw how red and puffy her eyes were. Red from crying and exhaustion. The scratches around her eyes were renewed. She looked at me with her eyelids descended. Something was off with her. I scanned her body to see if something was wrong. And yes, only now I noticed the big robe, tied around her right hand and the arm of the chair. She was tied up.

"What did you do?" I asked further, not expecting an answer. She rested her body against the back of the chair again and fully bended her head back. I was shocked to see a line of purple bruised around her neck. Had she tried to suffocate herself today?

"Why?" Was the only word that escaped my mouth. She looked at the ceiling, while a tear softly dripped down her temple. It pained me to see her cry. She probably had a tantrum. I imagined how she tried to strangle herself with whatever kind of robe. It took my breath away, just by thinking about it. How other caregivers had found her chocking, when they actually could have found her dead. How she pains herself, every time when somebody turns its back on her for the slightest moment. What kind of demons could be flying around in that pretty head of hers? All, because of one fire. It couldn't be the only cause, I didn't believe that. But the only person who could give everyone the answer was Demetria herself. She was too traumatized to tell anyone. She kept it for herself, a memory that slowly killed her from inside. What if she'd tell anyone? Would that solve at least a bit of her problems? I mean, could she ever function like a normal mature woman one day? What is she could fall in love with a partner one day, and just be happy again. She could have an own house and maybe children. She could go outside again, because God knows how long she's been locked up in here. Without fresh air and without nature. Her lack of contact with other people made her insane. Maybe she did need love from somebody, maybe she just needed some time. I can guarantee that if the rest of her family would visit her now, she'd be happier again. Happy of the fact that somebody thinks about her.

What was I doing? I was supposed to help her and I only stared at her. I quickly got up to grab the plate of food. I replaced the stool and sat down next to her. I still had great hopes that I was going to help her.

"Come. Eat. You'll feel better." I commanded. She lifted her head up and looked at the food. I grabbed the spoon, filled it with the rice and chicken and gave it to her. She brought it to her mouth, but then let it fall in the plate again without taking a bite. She didn't feel like eating, I understood.

"I need to cut your nails today." I shoved the plate back on the bed. She looked at me, surprised that I didn't enforce her. I grabbed the nail clipper and stood still in front of her. I made a twisting gesture with my finger to tell her to turn the chair around. She sighed and obeyed. She was aware of the effort she'd put herself into if she would struggle against the demand again. She sat down again and I placed my stool in front of her. She frowned and her breath increased when I softly lifted her hand. She then withdrew her hand back as her eyes filled up with tears. I gulped.

"Demi, I have to cut your nails." I stated. She severely shook her head. I sighed. How could I let her listen to me? I thought about it. What would I do if I felt like she felt? I would cry too. And maybe listen to music. That's it. I quickly grabbed my bag and took my earplugs with my cellphone. Demi's eyes followed every movement I made.

"I'm actually not allowed to do this, but if we both listen to some music, will you then let me cut your nails?" I said quietly. She looked at me with a twinkle in her eyes. I could have sworn that I saw the corners of her lips lift up. She smiled. Her excited smile looked way prettier on her than her sour face. I gave her one of the earplugs while putting the other one in my ear.

"What kind of songs do you like?" I opened my YouTube app.

"4 non blondes." She said. I smirked and typed in the name.

"The song: What's up?" I asked. She nodded swiftly. I pressed play and we both heard the guitar playing. Demi's posture changed immediately. Her shoulders finally relaxed and she bit her lower lip. She stopped with the unpredictable eye movements. She actually looked like a normal 23 year old woman. I grabbed her hand and brought the nail clipper towards her nails. She didn't struggle against it at all. As the lead singer began singing I mumbled with the melody. I had heard the song several times, but didn't know the lyrics. Demi's eyes were pointed at me, not on her nails. I saw in the corner of my eyes how she kept looking at me while I was doing my job. She thoroughly listened to me mumbling.

And I try, oh my god do I try

I try all the time, in this institution

The words hit me like a stab in my back. I looked up to see her face. I now understood why she liked this song so much. She could relate to every single word.

After helping her to get her stuff done, she finally laid down in bed. Somebody knocked at the door. I quickly got up to open it. A woman in her 40's softly started talking to me while holding a clipboard.

"I'm sorry to inform you this so lately, we had a rough day. But Demi has had, as you may have noticed, a tantrum today. It's not allowed to leave her without tying her up to her bed." She said with a high voice.

"That's..." I sighed. I couldn't find the words of how inhuman I thought that was. She shrugged her shoulders and walked away. She didn't make the rules. I closed the door and looked back at Demi, who emotionlessly looked at me. She hadn't heard that I was about to tie her up. She lied down.

"I'm sorry." I said to her before gently taking her arm and tying the leather limb holders around her bandaged wrists. She looked as if she felt a little betrayed. I inserted the remnant of the belt into the metal buckle.

"It's okay." She said quietly while looking at me with her tired eyes.

"No, it's not. I usually never do something so... so ill." I said with a cracked voice.

"Wouldn't it be even more ill if you'd let me hurt myself again at night?" She said. I stared at her. Speechless. I hadn't thought of that, what I was doing was actually better for her. But the fact that she openly spoke about it in this way scared me. She knew she'd hurt herself, as if she does it every day. Maybe she did.

"Do you think you'll ever get out of this place?" I asked.

"I don't know. Maybe somebody awaits me, somewhere. Someone I can love. Who understands me the way I am. Somebody who would help me if I needed help. Somebody who'd take me outside on a wheelchair when I become too old to walk. IF I ever make that moment." She exhaled deeply and replaced herself. Not that she could move much. I still felt guilty about that.

"How are you?" She suddenly said.

"You won't believe me if I'd say I'm good, right?" I quickly outsmarted her. Her flashes eye movements increased for a moment. As if she had some sort of Opsoclonus Myoclonus syndrome.

"You just don't understand." She whispered. I now noticed how her medicine started to affect her. She closed her eyes and instantly fell asleep. I carefully shifted a lock of her dark brown hair behind her ear.

"You're right. But I promise I will, some day."

Chapter Text

"You never told me your name, you know?" Demi said while caressing with her thumbs against my old mp3player. It had been a few weeks since our first meeting. Demi had her ups and downs and so did I. It seemed like she only hurt herself or got tantrums, or even epileptic attacks, when I didn't have her shift. I never saw her doing anything inhuman, except for the fact that she sometimes screamed at me when she didn't want to obey me. Of course we argued allot. I didn't understand why she didn't hate me yet.

"I thought you knew my name already." I honestly replied. She softly shook her head.

"I have a nameplate on my vest and I thought people had informed you about me."

"I can't read." She muttered. I nodded to let her know I was aware of her illiteracy. I placed my nameplate between my fingers and pointed at the syllables while saying my name slowly.

"Se-le-na." She didn't look at the plate, only at my face.

"Selena." She repeated. I nodded again with a smile. She tensed her lips and stared into nothing. She looked back at me.

"How are you?" She asked for the hundredth time. I sighed. I hated to disappoint her all the time, about the fact that I didn't understand her.

"I.. I.." I stuttered while trying to find the words. She goggled, got up and walked over to her bathroom. She probably gave up waiting for an answer.

"Did you take a shower this morning?" I asked. She normally did that, but I had to check it anyways.

"No. My psychiatrist made the appointment run out." She said while kicking off her simple sneakers. I checked my files to see if there were any specialties for this case. It only said I had to watch over her. Great, I thought, now I have to awkwardly look at her while she's... I turned around and saw a naked Demi in the doorway. She stood with her back towards me, not noticing I saw her. My jaw dropped to see something I never noticed. She had burn scars, all over her body. The red stains started from her upper legs, all the way to her shoulders. She turned to her side and I saw how the scars were spread a little over her stomach as well, but they stopped there. Her body was, despite the scars, amazingly beautiful. She wasn't skinny, but I would kill to have her feminine body parts. She was so different from all the other patients. She unsuspectingly pulled the bandages from her self-destructed wounds. I watched how she covered her wrists, ankles and hips with cut pieces of trash bags. After finishing preparing, she stood still in front of the shower while covering her breast. She stared towards the tires. I now realized she was waiting for me to enter the bathroom. I quickly threw the files on her bed and walked inside. I sat down on the stool and only now she turned the shower on. My eyes were glued to her. I couldn't stop myself from staring. What the heck was wrong with me? Maybe she didn't only turn on the shower. I smirked about myself with that thought. I looked down and rested my back on the wall.

"What?" Demi said while brushing the soap out of her hair.

"Nothing." I said swiftly, trying to avoid looking at her. If I would look at her for the slightest moment, I wouldn't stop staring again. I saw her offended look in the corner of my eyes.

"Seriously, there's nothing." I stated again.

"You laughed. Did you laugh about me?"

"Yeah- I mean no. I mean, I laughed about myself."

"Why?"

"Nothing."

"Well, if it's so unimportant, then maybe you should stop staring your eyeballs out at me." She said quickly. Busted. I gulped.

"Maybe they shouldn't have hired me to be the caregiver of women." I smirked again. She frowned. Her confused face made me realize that she actually never felt love before. She never kissed a person and she even never felt horny before. It surprised me how quickly she felt offended. I chuckled for one moment, but she immediately thought I derided her. Maybe she thought I laughed about her scars?

I already knew where the burn scars came from, but I somehow felt like asking about them anyways. To at least show her I cared. I couldn't ignore it, that'd actually be rude.

"How did you get those?" I asked without thinking it through. She turned around quickly. Her wide eyes could grub my heart out. She shut down the shower and quickly wrapped herself in a towel. She stared for a moment to think about her respond.

"T-there was a fire." She said with a soft trembling voice, she now avoided eye contact with me. She didn't continue speaking. I knew she'd get mad if I asked further, so I didn't.

I visited my friend, Evette, the next morning. She was my best friends since high school. We were nothing alike, she was way to dolly compared to me. She had a beautiful dark skin and very small curls. Her hair was very short and she had the most beautiful smile.

"Girl, I bought you that ice coffee from that small place in town." She said while handing me the plastic cup. I laughed.

"You know I love that. Thanks." I said. She sat down next to me on her white couch looked at her nails.

"So how is your new job?" She asked with full interest.

"Amazing, I love it. I have these standard patients on a schedule. Most of them are from the secondary department, which means their mental illness isn't that bad. But I have two patients from the primary department, whose cases are a bit more severe. They're kind of locked up in their hut. The first patient is Sean, he's very sweet. But he's scared of people, so I had to, like, 'build' a bond with him. I think he starts to like me. And then there is Demi." I stopped from there, because once I would start to talk about her, I wouldn't stop.

"Who is this Demi then?" She asked. I sighed.

"I don't know what her deal is. She's traumatized, obviously, but there's more. I feel like I could actually heal her. She has all these burn scars over her back, which are quite frightening to see and-"

"Wait how do you know about those scars?" She interrupted.

"Well, I'm her caregiver, I have to shower her of course." I took another sip from my ice coffee. Evette looked at me with a significant face.

"Is she pretty?" She asked while grinning. I chuckled nervously.

"Yeah, I mean, she has a nice-looking face." I said. She laughed now.

"You know exactly what I mean!" She almost yelled.

"Okay, okay. Yeah, her body is pretty nice." I laughed.

"Well you better watch out. If you find out she's a dike, there's no turning back." She teased. I pushed her knee and laughed with her.

"You're such a pain in my ass." I laid myself back on the couch. Evette wasn't a lesbian, but she always teased me with certain girls I might like. But I didn't like Demi in that way, I thought. Demi was too confused. She was pretty and all, but I didn't like her in the way Evette described.

"No, I don't have crush on her or anything." I said. She smiled.

"There's only one way to find out." She spoke with a soft voice.

"Because maybe one day you will dream about her. About her body and her face. About the galaxy you can see in her eyes. And then you will wake up with a lesbian boner. It will start to happen soon. When your knee accidently touches hers, you actually don't want withdraw it, because her touch is so exciting. And you will realize the fact that you actually never want to lose her, because your heart starts to beat faster whenever you open the door to her hut. You will think of nothing more than her. Than her smile, her assets. You will hope for nothing more than the moment she's panting under you with her 'pretty' naked body. You will look forward to every day you have a shift with her, because then she can make you smile again..." She came closer and closer with every quote. I stiffened and looked wide-eyed at her.

"But that won't happen, right?" She added quickly and took another sip of her coffee. I gulped. I smiled while goggling to make it less awkward.

"You're out of your mind Eve. And there's no such thing as a lesbian boner, you douche." I laughed.

I walked into the big corridor of huts from the primary department. I was still a bit overwhelmed by the words Evette told me today. It was around 10 pm and I felt weak and tired as hell. I stopped for a moment to rub my face. Yes, Evette and I had a few drinks, but I wasn't drunk. I could tell the difference between being tipsy and highly wasted. I grabbed my files again and joggled to Demi's room to wake myself up. I looked into the small window of the door. She didn't sit on her usual chair. I moved my head around to find her, but she didn't lay on her bed either. My sight inside the hut stopped from there. I quickly opened the door, but it got stopped by a pair of sneakers on the floor. I wringed myself through the small opening and found her on the floor. Her appearance made my heart drop. The chair was tumbled down and she lied there on her side, shocking and convulsing. She looked highly pale and sweat broke on her foreheas. I dropped my files and ran to her after the words popped up in my head: epileptic attack. Her eyes moved to many placed while she made scary shocking noises. Only now I noticed the blood dripping from her wrists. I wiped the hair from her face and pulled off my jacket. I rolled it up and tried to place it underneath her head. I placed my hand on hers, but she immediately grabbed it and squeezed it tight. I sighed when I became aware of the fact that there was nothing I could do. I just had to watch it fading away, there was no cure. She suddenly stopped shaking, squeezed her eyes closed and tensed all the muscles in her shoulders and arms while noises escaped from her wide open mouth. It sounded highly painful. Her muscles softly relaxed as her breath evened out again. She opened her eyes again and stared forward.

"Are you okay?" I asked. She lifted her head and leaned on her elbow. She looked down while recovering from her brain malfunction. She gave a quick look at her wrist, but then looked up again. She closed her mouth as her eyes filled up with tears. Her eyebrows quivered and her breath increased again.

"You can cry, sweetie. Don't be scared." She now looked at me with her pained eyes. She suddenly screamed at me. She inhaled deeply and cried it out. I wanted to grab her hand, but she leaned forward to me and hugged me tight. She had never touched me by her own will before, let alone that she ever hugged me. She fully leaned with her upper body against mine while her screams almost deafened my left ear. I quickly wrapped my arms around her and hugged back. She didn't necessarily need me. She just needed someone, something to embrace. She needed a friend, a mother. She needed a shoulder that could catch up her tears before they would fall onto her self-made wounds. The blood on her wrist totally messed up my shirt, but I didn't care. I was willing to give up a shirt, just to give her what she needs. She cried loudly and shook like a dog shitting razorblades. Her cry gave me a pain in my chest. I wanted to cry with her, but I needed to be strong for her. I needed to be strong whenever she couldn't be. She stopped screaming and almost hyperventilated.

"Breathe. It will be okay, just breathe." I said while she tried to control her breath. Her chin almost buried a hole in my shoulder. She then quickly sat up and avoided eye-contact with me. She bounced back and forth while she tried to blink away the tears in her eyes. I now realized I hadn't pressed the green button, even though she was in medical danger. But maybe it was for the best not to let people get involved in her breakdown.

"I.." She began with a trembling cracked voice. She softly shook her head.

"I don't know why I did that." She said softly.

"You mean hugging me?" I asked. She nodded and wiped away another tear.

"Isn't that the job of a caregiver?" I said while giving her a smile. She looked at me for just a second.

"I never do that." She said.

"I know, why did you?" I asked.

"Y-you're different..." She said and looked down.

Chapter Text

We stared at each other for over a minute. I was the one who's different? I saw no differences between me and the other caregivers. I think she was the different one here. She couldn't be left alone in a room with any sharp things. Speaking of sharp things, how did she get those cuts?

I looked around quickly and saw the screw under the bed. I quickly grabbed it.

"NO, THAT'S MINE!" She screamed. I put it in my pocket. She bore her teeth at me and screamed again.

"Shush, hey! People are trying to sleep." I said, half yelling and half whispering.

"Now sit down on your bed and don't move." I said and helped her up. She sat down and I quickly grabbed the first aid kit from her bathroom. I looked at my watch, it was 11 pm already. I sighed and smear a clot of toothpaste on her toothbrush. I walked back to her, gave her the toothbrush and sat down to take care of her wrist.

"Now hurry up, it's late. Are you feeling better?" I renewed her bandage. She nodded and thrust the toothbrush in her mouth. I sighed after finishing and she ran to the bathroom to clear her mouth. She lied down in bed after taking her medicine, which is when I realized I actually had to tie her up again today. I started humming to ease the rough sphere. I gently placed her arm in the limb holder and softly tied the belt around her wrist. Her eyes were only pointed at me, she listened. A few interesting, yet pleasing stares got exchanged before I finished while I hummed something easy. I felt a big déjà vu now, it was just like the first time I tied her up, but she looked at me in a different way than before. I tried to figure out what, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Her eyes were only pointed at mine. That's it. Her sudden eye movements had stopped, and she walked to her bed without her shrugged shoulders. She was relaxed. Was it because of me?

"I know that song." She almost whispered.

"You do?" I smiled.

"My mother used to sing that song all the time." Shit. I didn't want to make her sad.

"Oh, sorry. I'll stop." I stuttered quickly.

"No." She placed a hand on my arm. It tingled. "Go on." She looked at me with her questioning eyes.

"Hm." I giggled shyly and went on. I secretly tried to print all the movements she made in my head. I saw how her medicine made her feel 100 lbs heavier. I had a feeling like she didn't need so many medicines. Everything they did to her only made her worse. Like I said, her lack of freedom made her insane.

"Mister Sanders!" I yelled after him again and stopped before the tall black man.

"It's late Gomez."

"I know, I'm sorry. I'd like to ask you something." I said.

"About Demetria again?"

"Her name is Demi. And actually, yes. I wanted to ask you if I could take her outside for a day." I spit out the words. The man burst out laughing, that wasn't a good sign.

"A patient from the primary department... outside?" He laughed again. I looked down of  embarassment. He cleared his throat and put on his jacket.

"You can take her outside her hut, you have my permission for that. But only for one day! You can, uhm, play games with her or something. I heard she likes singing, take her to the music hall. But don't let her place a single foot outside, understood?" She likes singing? I never heard her sing before. I bowed my head to thank him and greeted him goodnight.

I stood up early the next morning. It was Saturday, I had no shifts in the weekend, but I was now allowed to take care of Demi all day. I called all my colleagues who had Demi's shift on Saturday. I was somehow excited about this day, it felt like I was going to visit the home a new girl from school. I thought about things we could do.

"Good morning, sweetie." I shook her shoulder. She inhaled deeply and squeezed her eyes. I felt guilty about the fact that I had to wake up the restless girl so early.

"Come on, I asked the boss if we could have a day together and he gave permission. You're allowed to get out of your hut today!" I said excited while untying her belts. It felt as if I pressed the pause button yesterday, went home and got back and now pressed play again. She looked wide-eyed at me after the last words I said.

"I'm getting out today?" She asked. I nodded wildly and pulled her arm. She got up and put her shoes on.

"Here, let me brush your hair." I grabbed the brush while Demi didn't really have the chance to say no. I ran with the needles through her damaged dark brown hair.

"What will we do? Do I have another interview?" She asked with an excited face. She didn't smile though.

"Another interview? No, we will just have some fun. We can play games, or make some music. But promise me that you won't scream or swear at people, or hurt people." I said. I quickly got up and opened the door. Demi got up too and stood stiffened in front of the doorway.

"Come on! There'll be people there you can talk with and stuff." I said as an attempt to encourage her. She stepped forward and looked through the opening. I walked through the door and held my hand up, so she could grab it if she was too scared. Instead, she hopped to me and grabbed my whole arm. She looked around, to the people that looked through the small window of their huts. I walked to the exit of the primary department with her.

"Now, there will be people on the other side of this door. If you're too scared, you must tell me, okay?" I told the girl who held my arm like a small child. She nodded. I opened the door to the head corridor of the building. I noticed how crowded and noisy the place was, now that I sort of looked through Demi's eyes. The place was filled with patients of different ages, all walking and even running through the corridor. Demi's head flinched back so quickly, her head almost disappeared between her shoulders, proverbially speaking of course. She looked like a small dog near firework.

"It's okay." I whispered before slightly pulling her with me. She shyly took small steps with me. The patients and caregivers stared at her while we headed off to the cafeteria. They, of course, recognized the distinctive clothes she wore. All patients from the primary department wore knee-lengthened harem pants and old oversized shirts in the same boring grey color. Demi's eyes followed everyone who walked by. Her scared face expression slowly faded away, but that didn't last long. Once we stepped into the cafeteria she almost shitted bricks. Many people sat by the tables, enjoying their breakfast.

"Secondaries are allowed to eat outside their rooms." I informed, immediately giving the patients from the secondary department a nickname, because gosh that's a mouth full. Demi seemed to observe every detail of the room, she looked around for more than thirty seconds, still with her arms clinched around my right arm.

"Come, let's get you some breakfast." I again slightly pulled her with me. We stood in the line to get her food.

"I don't want to eat..." She suddenly said softly.

"Wha- why not? They won't poison you. See you usually get the leftovers, because you don't have the choice what to eat, but now you can use this day to finally pick out what you want!" I tried to convince her. She swiftly shook her head and looked down. Sigh. Now I had to think of something again.

"Hey, okay, if I will eat some food with you, will you eat with me than?" I offered. She thought for a moment, but then nodded. She felt save around me, I liked that idea.

We sat down at a table after minutes and minutes of constantly asking her if she wanted an apple, or macaroni, or anything else. She never said 'I want this', I had to ask her all the time. Demi looked around while breathing heavily. I shove her plate to her.

"Eat. Don't make yourself nervous." I said while thrusting my spoon in my mouth. I already had breakfast this early morning, but it was worth it to eat nasty cafeteria food, as long as she ate too because of it. The place highly reminded me of high school, only the people were all a little different. There were lots of people with down-syndrome, or kids with a severe lack of social skills. I watched how Demi lifted her shoulders and wildly rubbed her hands when two men tried to squeeze their selves through the lunch tables behind her.

"Sorry." One of the two said, which made Demi gasp. I quickly grabbed her hand when I was certain she was going to lose it. I was afraid she was going to scream or cry. Because that would only make people stare at her, I didn't want to let that happen to her. Then she'd lose it even more.

"Relax. Hey, look at me. You're doing a really great job so far." I said. I started to regret what I had done. She wasn't having a good time at all, she was just too scared. But I wasn't giving up on her. She was going to have a good time, no matter what.

"So what do you want to do today?" I asked and continued eating.

"I want to feel the sun." She said. How astonishing. The tiny window in the wall of her hut never let the sunshine sneak through. It was just in the wrong position. Unfortunately, it was cloudy today. And Demi wasn't allowed to go outside.

"I don't know if that's possible..." I said. Demi disappointedly looked down and finally took her fork. She stared at it, but after a few second she pricked through her potatoes. What was she thinking about? Sometimes I wish I could read thoughts.

"What else?" I asked. I thought while chewing. Her shoulders were still tensed.

"I want to grow things." She said. Another astonishing thing to say. Did she mean grow things, as in plants? Or as in propagation? I hoped she'd say she wanted to play a game or something.

"Okay, be a liiiitle more specific." I said. She looked confronted. She gave a small nod, rather to herself. She took another bite while thinking.

"I want to.. uh.. express music through movements." She said. Now we're getting somewhere.

"You mean dancing?" I asked. Her sudden unexpected eye-movements suddenly continued. What made her stop and continue doing that? She nodded.

"Well good! There's a yoga room down the hallway. We can put up some music and stuff.

After a long way to the yoga room, we finally arrived. Lucky for us, there were no people. I opened the room and turned on the lights. Demi's scared posture finally vanished. She looked around while scratching her elbows. I plugged my phone to the speakers.

"Okay, how do you want to dance? We can jam to 'what's up' again?" I asked. She thought of the way to pronounce the name right.

"Ei-einaudi." She stuttered.

"Einaudi? What's that?" I asked. She vertically waved her hand in the air. The sign that means 'hurry up' or 'just do it', but I got her point. I typed the name on the YouTube app and searched for a song.

"Run?" I offered.

"Burning." She said. I sighed with a smile and obeyed. I pressed play. To my surprise, a piano started playing.

"Uh.. Is this the right one? Will someone start singing?" I asked. But she didn't respond. She just looked at herself in the mirror. Once the main melody began, she lifted her arm. I questioned to myself what she was doing. But when her knee bowed with her arm, I understood. She twisted her arms and slowly turned to the other side, without stretching her knee again. She then turned the other way with a different arm movement. She looked beautiful. The way her hands were tensed looked so majestic. The space between her fingers was perfect, as if she played the piano herself. As if she struck the strings of the violin herself. She danced like flames in the sky. She danced like northern lights. As if she was a warm dancing flame in a cold dark place. She was the center of the universe in that minute. The piano went to its climax, but she stopped dancing. She looked confused at me, but stepped forward. She grabbed my hands and pulled me to the middle of the room with her. She wanted me to dance like that? I'd make it look weird... I made a small noise to back out, but her eyes told me to just go with it. She stood faced to me, I stood faced to her. She now began to move the same arm while her eyes were locked to me. The music made me mime her and I moved my arm just like she did. We fell in a mirroring flow. My eyes could only be pointed at her movements, so that I knew how I had to move. But her eyes were still glued to mine. Even when we faced with our back to each other, we still looked over our shoulders to see one another. My hands weren't as majestic as hers, but together we did form a duet dance. We were now two flames in harmony. It was beautiful. The music faded away we stopped dancing.

Demi tensed her shoulders immediately and looked down while she picked her fingers.

"T-that was incredible." I said. She looked up.

"Normally I'm a fool at dancing." I confessed.

"..But you made me look good somehow." I added. To my surprise, she smiled. She actually smiled again. It was only the second time I ever saw her pleased eyes. It remembered me of what her files said. Barely shows particular emotions, such as: happiness, sadness or disgust. I've only seen her sad once, and happy now twice. She was a work in progress. The smile gave me hope. I smiled back.

"You should smile more often." I said. She shyly looked down again.

"Do you want to meet Tania? She has Down syndrome and is one of my patients. She loves to meet new people, maybe we can play a game with her!" I said. Her smile disappeared and she became visibly nervous again. But she needed to learn to befriend people.

"Okay Demi, say hi to Tania." I held her shoulders from behind and pushed her forward. Tania was the sweetest patient I had, she was just like a 7 year old child. She loved the same things as little girls did, like princesses and fairies. I had thought this through, because maybe Demi just had no childhood somehow. I don't know. It could be everything. This was my way of finding out; searching for the patient who behaves the most similar to Demi. Not that Demi behaves like a 7 year old, but I just started with the easiest patient.

Tania stepped forward and smiled brightly.

"Hi Demi!" She shouted while holding her hand up.

"How polite of you, Tania, that's really good! Demi, you can shake her hand, she won't bite." It felt like I had to place two different masks on my face whenever I spoke to one of them. Demi looked at her hand and hesitated to take it, but she did.

"Demi, are we going to be best friends?" Tania yelled and wagged with her hips and arms. Demi looked at me and I nodded to encourage.

"I.. uh..yeah?" She stuttered. Tania jumped up and down and quickly ran to her table. I grinned and walked towards her to sit on the second chair, leaving Demi on her spot. She really needed to crawl out of her shell. I wasn't going to steer her to walk or talk any longer.

"Look what I made Demi! It's a drawing of Ariel! You can see her red hair there, and that's her tail. She is happy because Sebastian made a joke." Tania said while waving the paper in front of Demi's face. Demi only stood there stiffened.

"Tania, remember what I said about talking so loudly? It can scare others, remember?" I said. Tania slammed her hand before her mouth. I laughed. I looked at Demi and mimed Tania by placing my hand on my mouth too and looking surprised. Tania laughed hard, but Demi still stood on her spot. I sighed with a smile and gestured her to come here. She shyly stepped forward and sat down in the third chair. Okay, time for me to shut up. It was silent for a long moment. I got up to make a nice braid in Tania's blond hair.

"Demi do you like princesses?" Tania asked while I played with her hair. Demi frowned.

"I think I did, once." She replied.

"Well I still do. What do you like?"

"Uhm.. uh.. Music." She said. Good answer, nice save.

"I love music too! Do you know Sesame Street?" Tania went on coloring.

"N.. no.." Demi said. She looked hurt somehow.

"I do! There is character Elmo, he sings all the time, he is really cute. I also watch My Little Pony, my favorite pony is Pinkie Pie of course. I always wanted to be her, I always wanted to have her magic because she can do all these cool stuff." She kept on blabbing about stuff no one could be interested about. Demi looked down and gulped.

"Come on, you must have seen My Little Pony!" Tania went on. Don't push it..

"But I haven't." Demi replied, clearly and louder this time.

"You have never?"

"No! Never!"

"Why not?"

"Because they don't allow me to!"

"Who's they?"

"Mom and dad!" Demi shouted. She looked shocked of what she just said, so was I. Her parents were dead. This must have been an argument she once had already.

"I.. uh, I mean.." Her breath increased swiftly. Shit. I began speaking as an attempt to cool her down, but Demi bared her teeth and flipped the table. I quickly pulled Tania's chair with me in a reflex. All the markers and papers fell on the ground and the table made a big bang. Demi looked up. Everyone stared at her, she lost it. Tania started crying. I wanted to take Demi back to her hut, just how I was supposed to do it, but immediately other colleagues ran to Demi and grabbed her arms. Demi got scared to death and screamed. She therewith tried to scare them off and pulled away as hard as she could. They literally threw her on the ground and almost sat on her to keep her away from the opportunity to move. Her screams sounded like she got squeezed badly. All the caregivers blocked my sight of her. No, this was wrong. This was so wrong. She didn't do anything special. She didn't have a tantrum until people started attacking her. I promised I was going to help her whenever she needed help.

"Let go. Let go off her! Hey! Stop!" I yelled, but the man who comforted Talia stopped me. Demi's screams scared the other patients severely. I just looked around, not knowing what to do. They lifted Demi up by her arms and carried her away, back to her hut. I quickly ran after her.

"Please, don't be so hard on her!"

"Do you now see why she's in the primary department?" Mister Sanders stopped me. Somebody must have pressed the red button, otherwise he couldn't have seen it.

"Sir, she didn't do anything wrong until they held her!" I defended.

"She flipped a freaking table, Gomez! You better watch your tongue! Now get your ass in her hut and finish your duty." He commanded. I looked down.

"Yes, sir." I said and walked to the primary department.

"I'm so sorry." I said while staring at the tied up Demi. She sat on the same old chair as always.

"I'm going to free you now, I know you did nothing wrong." I said confidential. Demi frowned while I crouched to untie her. The moment both of her arms were freed she pushed me back. I fell on my butt and hit my head against her bed. She started yelling again and clawed with what was left of her nails against her face.

"Stop it! Stop now!" I got up and grabbed her wrists.

"Ow!" She yelled with a trembling voice. I let go off her bandaged wrist, but held the other. She had damaged her face pretty badly.

"W-why did you do that?" I stuttered. I thought she was going to cry, but she didn't.

"Because I don't want you to see me." She said softly while trying to avoid any possibility that I could see her.

"Why not?" I let go off her other hand. She covered her face with them.

"Because you shouldn't. I am not." She said. That confused me.

"You're not what?" I asked.

"I'm just not!" She stated again. I softly pulled her arms. The blood on her face had spread in stains over her skin. Her eyes were red.

"I want to see you, you're beautiful." I said. I was afraid she was going to think that was weird. She raised her eyebrows. I nodded to confirm what I said. She hesitatingly came closer and wrapped her arms around my neck. I hugged back.

"Come, you should take a nap. Maybe we can play a game when you wake up." I said and let go.

"I don't want to take a nap." She said. "Then I'll have to take my medicine, and then I won't wake up soon."

"And what if you don't take your medicine?" I asked. She didn't answer me.

"Come, just try to sleep for an hour, I'll amuse myself." I helped her into bed after taking care of the scratches on her face. I sat down on my stool and grabbed my phone. I smirked when I got an idea. I placed the stool next to the head of her bed and handed her one of the earplugs. She looked at me, placed it in her ear and closed her eyes. We listened to Ludovico Enaudi again, until she fell asleep.

Chapter Text

I placed my stool back after carefully pulling the earplug out of her ear. She needed her rest, it was good that she took a nap. I watched the distracted girl sleeping while I still listened to her songs. I looked around, I never really did that. The room began with a table for the caregivers, followed by the bed with the pretty girl sleeping on top of it. Above her bed, I saw planks placed onto the wall. Every room had those planks, all the bedrooms in this building were build in the same structure. Nothing special was placed on the planks. Just a few books, pieces of papers and a diary. Oh. I didn't know she kept a diary. Though, I wasn't going to read it. That'd be highly disrespectful. I respected her privacy allot, but my curiosity made me poke around her room. I opened her nightstand and found a little stuffed animal that was thrown in the corner. I grabbed it and studied it. It was a stuffed version of sandman. It was dirty and contained stains of blood. A shiver made all the hairs of my skin erect. Oh my God. I didn't even want to think about the memories she had with this thing. I quickly placed it back in her drawer. Next to her nightstand stood her all too familiar chair. The one she sat on when I had seen her for the first time. On this chair she thought the most astonishing thoughts and daydreamed the most beautiful dreams. The wall behind it contained doodles, smudges and scrapes. How often must she have sat here? Next to the corner was the door to the bathroom and next to that her writing desk. I opened a few drawers and found a sketchbook in one of them. I glanced through the pages. Some were really cool and pretty, but some were horrifying. Sketches of screaming faces, of hell and human heads with antlers of wildebeests. Wow. Her other drawer was locked. Where was the key. I caressed the metal lock with my finger and looked around. But a few moans on the other side the room dragged my attention. The girl, who drew the scary drawings and caused the blood on her own stuffed animal, frowned arduously. The sweat broke on her forehead. Nightmares. I hate nightmares. She didn't deserve them at all, but the fact that she got haunted by her traumatizing memories made it look obvious.

"No." Was all I could made up from her mumbles. I crouched down in front of her. The fact that there was nothing I could do to ease her pain created a big feeling of sympathy in me. I thought that the moment she slept was the only moment where she could actually be free from her pain. The only moment her dreams looked like they could come true. Her dreams must mean so much to her, although it's just the process of your conscious moments. I frowned and placed my hand on her cheek for some reason. Her face was hot and wet, but I didn't care. Sigh. It felt like I was the only one who was responsible or her. It was my responsibility to help this beautiful girl to grow up to be a decent person. My thumb moved over her shining cheekbone. Her long black eyelashes trembled and fluttered. I felt the sphere. The terrifying feeling she was trapped in since she got this room. The feeling of fever, of having sweat on your forehead while you're actually cold. The feeling of shaking while you try to stay stable. The feeling of having your eyelids descended because you gave up looking of the wonders in this world. She had given up a long time ago.

I got up to get some lunch for the both of us. I turned my head to her for one last time before walking out of her room.

"How did it work out?" Kris ran up to me while I placed the food on the plate.

"Uhm, she feels kinda down. She tried to claw her eyes again, I never saw her doing that before." I said.

"Do you know why she does that? I mean you must be really crazy to think you can just do that without nails or anything." She said and grabbed her plate.

"She's not crazy." I immediately defended. "She said she didn't want me to see her."

"By clawing her eyes out?"

"Maybe she sometimes still thinks as a kid. You know, like; 'If I don't see you then you don't see me either'." I thought out loud. Kris nodded. I never actually thought about the fact that she actually got excited when she was about to get out of her hut. I could guarantee that if I asked her if she wanted to go outside, she'd say no. She was too scared to be around other people, the accident with Tania confirmed that. 'Another interview?'She then said. She had an interview once. About her? Or about the accident?

"Kris, do you know anything about an interview that Demi once had with someone?" I asked. She thought.

"I thought she once had an interview with abc news." She nodded.

I walked back into Demi's room. She didn't lie in bed. I looked around and found her in her bathroom. She didn't notice me standing in the doorway. She had kneeled down in front of the sink. Her head was rested on her under arm, that leaned on the edge of the cold sink. She looked at the space she made between her thumb and forefinger. She repeatedly slammed the tops of them against each other, while the leaking water drops from the tap slipped through the space that still existed in that millisecond of her slamming her fingers together. Her eyes were only pointed at what she was doing. I didn't want to disturb her thoughts. She stopped and lifted her head. She looked at the ceiling while her mouth fell open because she relaxed her jaws. She actually looked helpless, she looked lunatic. The slightest things she did made her look mad. The fact that a normal person would lift her head further to see the ceiling, but her pupils almost disappeared behind her eyelids. The fact that her neck was placed only a few inches further away from her shoulders than any other person. The fact that she constantly made the smallest sounds because her breath was uneven. She was looking at something else than the ceiling. It was as if she could she space, right above her head. She now looked at her shoulders and placed her hands on her underarms. What was she doing? She sighed deeply. Is this what she did when she was alone? She lifted her head again and covered her head with her hands. She softly wiped her face, as if her skin was the most precious possession she had.

"Don't cry." She whispered without closing her mouth. She looked at her hands she had fold open.

She lifted her arms and looked at her wrists. She picked the edge of her bandage that was wrapped around her left wrist. She carefully took it off and looked at the wounds she had caused yesterday. She felt the wounds with her fingertips and bared her teeth of the pain.

"Don't cry." She repeated, this time with a trembling voice.

"She can't see you cry. I'm not, she is, she doesn't even know that." She added. Did she mean me? I was confused. She knew she was allowed to cry. Why didn't she allow herself to?

"Who?" I said and walked in. Demi got scared to death. She made quick eye-movements as her breath increased. She didn't know what to do.

"Go ahead. Cry, scream, laugh, do whatever you want." I said and kneeled down next to her. She wanted to reply, but withheld herself.

"Or at least speak." I added.

"I...I can't, I.." The tears filled her eyes, but she didn't give it in. She quickly covered her face again. She brushed with one hand through her hair while the other one was still pasted on her face. I couldn't tell if she was crying.

"Sweetie, listen to me." I began. Demi lowered her head even more.

"Demi, whoever once didn't allow you to cry or talk, that's over now. Don't be scared of this world. Okay, hey, look at me." I placed my hand on her jaw again, just like when she slept. I thought it would be okay for her, but she smashed my arm away. That somehow pained me.

"I am not the one who doesn't allow you to do these things."

"No, not you." She confirmed.

"Then who does?" I asked. Demi looked frustrated and bared her teeth again.

"M.. m." She didn't finish.

"Your moth-" I began.

"NO! DON'T S-say.." She quickly covered her face again. Oh, dear. There were so many things I wanted to tell her. But I was only going to hurt her more if I told her that her mother is dead, so she can't stop her from doing stuff anymore. I wanted to ask if her mother really was that mad to not allow her to cry or to laugh. I wanted to ask how she died, I wanted to ask how the fire got started. But I couldn't, it would be a knife in her back.

Demi now cried at last. I didn't dare to hug her or to comfort her. I don't know why not, she just smashed my hand away. Maybe she thought I was going too far. Was I? I hate to say it, but felt nice to hug her or to hold her jaws. Even though I'd only done both once. I couldn't even make myself believe that she was just a good friend and my interest in women are just disadvantage in the situation. Because she wasn't a good friend, I don't know what she was to me. I couldn't call her my patient anymore. And I wasn't just one of her typical caregivers. She was right, I was different. We were much more than just caregiver and patient. But what Evette told me, I don't know if it was true. I thought about Demi allot, and I of course couldn't miss her. Heck, I even asked to spent another day with her. But, did I do that for her or for me?

"Oh dear God." I said swiftly and got up. Demi looked up with her watery eyes. I looked back at her and brushed my hand through my hair. I bit the insides of my cheeks while I tried to erase my own thoughts. Demi stay sat on her knees while she held her underarms. The sphere I thought of when she slept, I almost got lugged into it, I was certain of that. But that was something a caregiver shouldn't do. Heck, it felt like Demi almost made me depressed. She affected me.

"I'm sorry." She said. As if she could read my thoughts. I shook my head softly.

"Don't be."

"No, I am. I've said too much, I expected too much from you. I thought I saw something in you, but I was wrong. You can't handle me, just like all the others. I confuse you." She spit out the words I ever wanted to hear.

"You.. saw something in me?" I asked. She nodded and looked down. She had given up on me. Whatever was going on with us, she didn't want it anymore. She got up and walked past me without looking at me. She sat down on her chair, faced to the wall. We were back at the beginning.

"No, you're not confusing me." I said swiftly. But it was too late, and we both knew that. She didn't reply. It was time to be one hundred honest with this girl.

"Listen to me. I never wanted you to think that I was different. Well.. maybe I did, but not the way you think. I just didn't want to be another regular caregiver to you. I wanted to impress you. This is my very first job after high school and yes, I know you never got schooled at all and I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I just.. I just care about in a different way than I expected. I want you to be happy, I want you to smile." I noticed the tears filling my eyes, but I couldn't stop now. "I want to help you. I want you to be like everyone else, because I know you can. I know you're not mad, I know you're not fucking crazy!" Demi turned her head to me. She looked shocked.

"I'm sorry if I ever gave you weird ideas, really. I'm just tired that you're so broken. You're so fucking broken! Your heart and mind has been shattered in millions of tiny pieces and I want to collect and glue all of them together. I don't need anything in return, because somehow you being happy is enough for me. I.. I don't know why.. I.." I couldn't find my words anymore. Demi had raised her eyebrows. She probably didn't expect me to say that. She turned her head back to the wall.

"You can hardly heal me if you don't know what shattered me." She said. That was true. For a moment there, I thought she was about to explain her past.

Chapter Text

"Will you explain it to me?" I asked. She shook her head and sighed.

"Not now." She added.

"Hey kiddo." My dad walked up to me and I stood up to give him a hug. He sat down with me.

"Coffee?" He asked. I nodded with a smile. He walked to the tiny kitchen and managed to cups of coffee. The other men around him gave him a pad on the shoulder. They were happy for him that he could see me again. He sat back down and handed me the cup.

"How is your new job?" He asked.

"No, I wanted to hear about you first. How have you been doing lately? Did you fix the problem with the bench in the park already?"

"Well, kid, it isn't easy to ask the bench back you know."

"But where did you sleep previous nights?" I asked.

"Here." He answered with a smile. I smiled brightly. He finally reserved a bed in this shelter.

"I'm proud of you dad. You know you don't like to sleep on the streets, you should register more often."

"Oh well, sometimes I forget to. You know that isn't easy with my drinking problem." He confessed. I nodded. My dad has been homeless since I was very little. He just didn't want to compete in this civil society. I could only see him once or twice in six months. He was the sweetest person I had ever known. My mom didn't really like to talk with him, but the old man always encouraged me more than anyone else. He was the happiest man on earth, after all.

"Okay, enough about me, how is your work?"

"Amazing. But kinda stressful."

"Already? why?"

"Uhm, I kind of have a problem." I spoke from the depths of my heart, I hadn't even thought about it myself.

"I'm afraid that I'm starting to like one of my patients." I said. My dad knew for sure that I was a lesbian. He knew everything about me, I told him everything.

"Is that a problem than? Who's the lucky girl?" I asked.

"Well, uhm, her name is Demi, only a month younger than me, highly distracted, hurts herself allot.. She has a back-story no one knows about. And she's like, breathtakingly gorgeous and she has this body that makes me swoon and has these cute freckles and beautiful natural eyelashes and UGH." I said while running out of breath and letting my head fall on my hand. My dad laughed.

"You really like her, do you?" He said.

"I'm kind of not allowed to, since she has to obey me and all. But yeah, I'm afraid so, help." I placed my chin in my underarms.

"Well, I'm sure she finds you pretty too." He said. We both knew that we couldn't be sure about that.

"She probably isn't even a lesbian. But somehow I do know she has feelings for me too." I said while playing with my cup. I sighed.

"Oh come on, kiddo. At least try to figure out than! What could happen if you guys got a relationship?" I hadn't even thought of that. It'd probably even be better for her to be in a relationship. But it was so much out of all proportions, she didn't even have friends. Would she consider me as a friend?

"It feels like we already have relationship-problems without even loving each other." I said.

"Why?"

"She kind of gave up on me. I wanted to help her and she wanted to join in to that, but it went wrong because 'she confuses me'." I said while gesturing quotation marks with my fingers.

"Okay, I don't really know what you mean with that, but I'm sure you guys will figure something out." He took a sip from his coffee. I sighed again.

"Sorry, I'm cranky. I barely had any sleep last night." I said. I knew my dad had even less sleep, but he didn't care about that. He had chosen it, I just had a bad night.

"How come?"

"I don't know. My concerns don't really help." My dad grabbed my hand with both of his hands and smiled. That alone encouraged me. He was everything I could ask for in a father. Minus the fact that I barely saw him, but that wasn't his fault.

I walked over to her hut again. I waited with my back against the door before entering. I bit in my thumb, she was probably angry. I wouldn't know why, she's battling with her struggles every day. I don't see why she wouldn't abreact that to me. I opened the door and there she was as always.

"Go away." She almost yelled with a trembling voice. Was that personal?

"What's wrong?" I asked while shoving her plate of food on her desk.

"Just go." She said again. I still could only see the back of her head.

"I should go as a Selena or as a caregiver?" I went further. She didn't respond for more than 20 seconds.

"As S-Selena." She stuttered. Ouch. I sat down on my stool.

"Do you hate me?"

"No." She stated.

"Why are you angry at me?"

"You see things in me that you shouldn't see." Wow. I never explained it as clearly to myself as she did. She really knew what was going on.

"You're right, but you do too."

"That's different."

"That's not true." I said swiftly. "You just never knew how it felt to love someone." It was the first time I ever used the word 'love', it felt weird. It was quiet for a moment.

"D-does it feel like this?" She stuttered again. I sighed.

"I don't know what you feel." I answered. She quickly turned her head to me. I bended my neck for a moment as gesture that she should come here and eat. She obeyed and sat down on her bed. I gave her the plate.

"How are you?" She asked before taking a bite of her beef. I inhaled deeply.

"I uhm.. I'm happy that we are facing our deepest problems at the moment." I said, hoping it was enough for her. She looked down and softly shook her head.

"Don't you ever miss the ability of having friends?" I asked randomly. She swallowed her food.

"I do have a friend, a best friend." She said confidential.

"Who?" I said with a smile, somehow hoping for my name.

"Tania" She said convinced. Tania, oh. Wait, Tania? I couldn't hold in my laugh and chuckled. Demi frowned.

"What?" She said. I didn't dare to answer that truthfully. She started smiling because of my laugh. She liked my laugh, that made me blush. I placed my hand in front of my mouth. After finishing eating she quickly brushed her teeth, took her medicine and got to bed. I grabbed my earplugs again and gave one to Demi.

"What song?" I asked and sat down next to her. She rested her head on her pillow.

"Shiny Happy People." She said.

"Ah.. R.E.M." I said with a smile. She smiled back. I pressed play and we both heard the music starting. Demi's eyes were glued to me. I looked at her as I thought she meant to tell me something.

"Oh, sorry, of course." I said and got up to grab my stool, but she grabbed my arm quickly. She let go, bit her lip to think for a moment and shove herself towards the wall. She made enough space for another body. Oh. She tapped with her hand on the empty place. She wanted me to lie next to her? What, was she drunk from her medicine or something? I awkwardly rested my back next to hers and laid my legs under the blankets. Demi laid herself to her side so that she could look at me. Her tired eyes told me she didn't actually want to sleep, but her eyelids became too heavy. She lifted her underarms to the height of her chest and closed her eyes.

"Sleep well." I whispered. She fell asleep next to me. I think I really made her realize her feelings this evening. She told me to go away at the beginning, and now I was lying next to her while she was deeply sleeping. And SHE asked ME to do that, this day couldn't get better. Ugh I sound so stupid now. I looked at her sleeping, just like I always did. I hadn't realized that the song had finished, because I was so deeply sunk in my thoughts. Once I realized it, I gently took the earplug out of Demi's ear again. I looked at her for another 15 minutes. I knew I had to go home, my shift was over. But I was afraid I was going to wake her up whenever I tried to get out of her bed. She suddenly snuggled up to me. She grabbed my arm and placed her forehead on my shoulder. Was she actually sleeping? I looked at her face. When I saw her eyes flutter and her tongue rub against palate, I was quite sure. I almost grinned of how I cute I found it. There was no way to get out of her bed now. I felt her slow warm breath whiffing against my bare shoulder. It actually relaxed me. The way she held my arm felt like she needed it for a long time. What if she never had something to cuddle while sleeping? Only that bloody dirty stuffed animal of hers, I wouldn't be surprised if she was scared of that thing. But what if she never had a mother who comforted her if she had a nightmare? She had clenched her arms around my upper arm as if she could be taken away into death any moment. As if she hold on tight to me while the Devil pulled her to join hell. I would never let that happen. I was going to help her, I still was. One day I was going to take her outside and one day I was going to hear her actual laugh. While getting lost in my thoughts I slumbered to sleep.

I woke up when someone shook my shoulder softly. An old woman stood next to Demi's bed. It was Grace, one of Demi's caregivers for the morning. I inhaled deeply when I realized it was one of Demi's other caregivers. Shit. I wanted to sit up quickly, but Demi was still holding my upper arm like a small child. Her saggy face looked adorable.

"Madam, I really can't tolerate this." The woman whispered. I gave a fake and nervous smile while I tried to unclench Demi's arms.

"I uhm.." I wanted to say that I was kind of stuck and that didn't want to wake Demi up, but she already turned to her other side. I quickly flew out of her bed and straightened my shirt.

"Now get lost." Grace whispered. I quickly grabbed my stuff and walked through the door. I turned around before leaving and peeked through the small window of the door. I saw how Grace woke Demi up. Demi sat up and looked at the place where I had lain. She visibly noticed I was gone, she must have thought I went home last night. She looked tired, yet surprised and even slightly disappointed. I awkwardly walked away when Grace saw me peaking.

After I did what I had to do today, I finally laid myself in bed and opened my laptop. I've been wanting to search Demi's interview all day. I couldn't find it on regular site, I found it on an old Wordpress blog. The thumbnail picture already surprised me. It was Demi, a very young Demi. She looked around 11 years old. Her hair was still quite brown , compared to how black it is now. She already had scratches on her face, but no scars. I quickly pressed play.

"So, how long have you been here now, Demi?"

She held two fingers up. Her all to familiar sudden eye movements were there already, but it was worse now than in the video.

"Two years?"

She nodded.

"Could you explain to me how you got here?"

"I went to the hospital, because I had all of these really really big burn wounds on my back. And the people with the white clothes weren't nice to me. They yelled at me, so I had to scream back." Demi said while looking down and playing with something off screen.

"And why were they mean to you?"

"They.. uh, they kept saying that I couldn't go back to mommy. And they said daddy wasn't there to pick me up either, but, that was maybe better, they said and I agreed with that."

"Because daddy wasn't really nice?"

She shook her head with a nervous smile.

"Do you think about your previous home often?"

She nodded and kept looking down at what she was doing.

"Could you give an example?"

"I sometimes think mommy is still here. And I sometimes pretend that my room is our old garden because I then I pull off my shoes and pretend I feel the, uh, the grass." She answered with her childish voice while she got distracted all the time.

"Are you allowed to play outside."

"No, I can't play outside." She said convinced while looking straight into the interviewers eyes, although he was off screen as well. She obviously knew the rules.

"Hm, okay. And, tell me, what would you do if your aunt came to visit you?"

"I would uhm, I would scream."

"Yeah? And what would you do if you weren't under guard or in your room?"

"I would stab her." She said emotionlessly.

"With what?"

"A.. uh, A knife or a.. something sharp."

"Why would you want her to die?"

"Because I want to be alone." She kept looking in the eyes of the interviewer.

"And can you describe what you see in your dreams?" He asked. She thought for a moment.

"Fire, often, and uh.. my daddy. Sometimes I see people with uhm.." She held her hands above her head and formed horns with them.

"Antlers?"

"Yeah.. And I see blood and uh, screaming people."

"You're doing a great job Demi, keep going. Do you think you see blood because you pain yourself?" She nodded again.

"And what kind of medicine do you take?"

"I have.. beta-blockers against aggressiveness, antidepressants against stress or depression, Benzodiazepines against anxiety , melatonin to sleep well and Anti-epileptics and Acetazolamide to ease my epileptic attacks." She answered while counting the medicines with her fingers and resting her head on her other hand.

"Okay, and your last question, tell me why you abuse yourself, can you tell me about that as much as possible?"

"Uh, I do it for.. more than one reason. Sometimes I feel really really sad, but I don't want to cry so I punish myself if I tear up. And sometimes it feels like the pain that I uh.. cause to myself feels better than the pain that my parents give me every day. Also it just drags me out of.. out of my fears, because whenever I'm scared it always helps if I see blood or if I feel my skin sting. And uh.. uh, yeah.."

"That's a great answer Demi, thank you very much. I have no more questions, as promised."

The video stopped, and it had left me in tears. It was as if she knew exactly what she felt. She thinks her parents are still around her ever day. It hurt me even more to see such a young Demi, already this traumatized. Were her parents abusive? The way she looked at the interviewer scared me. Her eyes looked so convinced, yet her face was fully emotionless. Because she lost the ability to laugh but was too scared and too traumatized to cry. She was broken.

Chapter Text

"Owwkay, here is the book." I placed a book on Demi's lap. She thoroughly studied the pictures.

"What do you see?" I began.

"A girl." she answered. I nodded.

"Okay so, this girl has a name. And we just studied the alphabet, so can you figure out what this word says?" I went on. She looked at the name next to the girl. She looked at every letter and tried to remember how to pronounce it.

"M.. a.. r.. y.. Mary?" She asked hesitatingly.

"Yes! Really good! okay next page." I turned the page and saw in the corners of my eyes how Demi brightened up a little. She smiled again, I loved to make her smile. I pointed at the small sentence next to the second picture.

"M.. Mary, h.. h-a-s, has, a, B -a -l -l. Bal-l?" She frowned.

"Good!! See, you spell a ball with two L's, but you pronounce it as one." I explained. I tried my very best not to sound childish to her. She wasn't a baby, she just can't read. But the fact that I made her smile if I sounded excited, made me do it automatically.

"Next page." I said. She lubberly turned the page around. This time, a picture of a boy was printed on it. It said 'Tom loves ice.'

"Mary.."

"Now whoa, does that say 'Mary'?" I corrected. She frowned again. She looked at the word again.

"Uh.. m, uh.."

"What is this letter?" I pointed at the T. She kept staring at it, but she made no sound. She bit her lower lip while she tried to remember the letter. I let her think, she could do it.

"I don't know." She said harsh and closed the book. She made an attempt to throw it away, but I quickly placed my hands on the cover before she could smite it across the room.

"Easy, it was just one letter you didn't remember." I tried to calm her down. She was scared of failing, I noticed. It somehow didn't surprise me.

"You know what, we'll go on tomorrow." I stated. I took the book from her and placed it on the table. I pulled my hair elastic out of my hair and placed it next to the book. Demi looked me in the eyes. I shyly looked down and played with my ring, but her eyes kept glued to my face. Her eyebrows were slightly raised, she didn't frown anyway, which I already wasn't used to from her. I couldn't really think of something we could do, it was way too early for her to sleep. Most of the caregivers would just send the patient to bed earlier, but that wouldn't be fair. We sat straight next to each other. Her bare knee touched mine, but she didn't withdraw. But I didn't either, just like Evette said. I secretly peaked at her legs. They were really pretty. She didn't shave them, of course, but that didn't really matter. I looked at the difference between my shaved legs and hers. Why do people even shave? I barely saw any difference. My sight slid down to her sneakers. They were grey, dirty, and contained white laces. She sat with her lower legs crossed and wobbled a little with them.

"What are you thinking of?" She asked. I looked at her.

"Nice things." I said and smiled. I couldn't let her know that I had such a detailed view, she'd think I'm a creep.

"H-how are you?" She almost didn't dare to ask. We were both scared that I was going to disappoint her again. I seriously wanted to find out what she meant with it. I looked straight into her eyes, what if it was a trick question? I was feeling great, especially because I sat next to her. But if I told her, I would kill her good mood. I gulped. I wanted to make her smile, or at least not disappoint her. I was tired of seeing her look down and sigh. Especially if she repeated the question. The anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks.

*
"I.. uh, I-I'm feeling, u-uhm.." I never stuttered so much in my life. The moment Demi found out I freaked out, she grabbed my wrists. She briefly gave a face of sympathy. A face that said 'I'm sorry that I keep asking you that, I understand that you don't get it'. I looked down, since I almost couldn't stop staring in her eyes.

She lifted her hand and placed it on my cheek. I lifted my head back up. I could feel it, she knew I was only a human too. I could be scared too, I could be afraid of losing someone. I could be afraid of disappointing someone and I could be angry at myself that I didn't understand her. It was always me who took care of her, for one moment it was the opposite.

She placed a second on my other jaw. Her hands were soft and warm. She came closer and gently reached with her lips to my forehead. I closed my eyes when she gently pressed her lips against my forehead. While her hands were still cupped around my face, the majestic hands she danced with to that beautiful piece of music once. Her lips were even softer than the skin of her fingertips. She gave me a kiss of actual real yet confused love. For a moment she was as proud and majestic as a queen. For a moment I heard angels singing, as if the room lightened up. She pulled her head back and looked in my eyes again. She smiled.

"When will I ever hear you laugh?" I asked. She blushed and shrug her shoulders, while she softly took away her hands.

"When will you ever understand my questions?" She said with a teasing tone. I grinned.

"When will you ever explain them to me?" I went on. Suddenly her smile disappeared. She bit the inside of her cheek and thought. Was she actually going to explain it all?

"I.. I don't know, I just can't." She said. I smiled to her to tell her it was alright. I got up to grab her jar of medicines. I filled her glass with water and handed all of it to her. She sighed.

"I don't want to sleep." She said while staring at her hand full of different medicines. She lifted her knee and placed them in front of her. I lifted my knee too to face her.

"They look so innocent. As if each pill could make a wish come true." She said while going through the pills with her finger. I nodded.

"What if they did? What wish would you attach to each?" I asked. She alternately pointed at a pill.

"This one would free me, away from here. This one would stop me from hurting myself. This one would give me wings, so that I could fly. This one would uhm.. give me my family back. This one would make people tolerate the things I do. And this one would uh, make me be."

"Make you be?" I didn't understand what she meant with that. She didn't reply.

"You forgot the wish that somebody would wait for you to love if you get out of this place." I stated. She looked at me without lifting her head. She started blushing and smiled. She made me bloom inside at that moment. I got her point..

"Here." I handed her the glass of water. "And now let's hope those whishes will come true." She took the medicines and swallowed each one of them. She took her shoes off.

"Have you ever kissed someone?" She suddenly asked. Of course I had, with all the bitches in college who didn't give a shit about me. But I couldn't tell her that.

"Yes, you?" I wanted to face-palm myself at that moment. I was so stupid. She looked down and shook her head while smiling.

"Does it feel nice?" She asked further. I nodded.

"Well, it depends on the person of course." I grinned. She smiled brightly now. I could almost hear a small smirk coming from her mouth, but that could have been my imagination. She probably imagined how it felt, since I found her staring after that. She saw an imagination I couldn't see with her tired eyes. I got up, it was time for her to sleep.

"Come." I said. She crawled underneath the blanket and rested her head on the pillow.

"Sleep well, honey." I softly but briefly kissed her cheek and walked back to my stool.

I waved goodbye to Grace while I held the knife behind my back. I was going to do it again today, I knew that. Don't ask me why. She closed the door. I fell on my bed and let the knife drop on the ground. I stared at the ceiling. Dad could be here now. He probably sat on my chair, watching me do nothing but lying there. He crossed his arms and sighed while waiting for me to let my medicines sink in. 'Mommy is not coming home for a long time' he'd say. My heart pounded wildly. Why did my thoughts always have to turn out to the same situation? I gulped while I tried to let him disappear from my sight. I rolled over to my side and cried with my knees and forehead against the wall. 'Now if you will scream this time, I might take my belt. Whether it's because you seek help, or find it pleasant'. I stood up and walked towards me. He was going to do it again. Step by step I felt my heart beating faster. Until he leaned over me and almost wanted to take my arm. I quickly turned around and grabbed the knife from the ground. The sharp side stung severely against my wrist, but dad disappeared. I kept digging the piece of metal into my arm

"Ouw." I whispered softly when a salty tear fell upon my skin and mixed to red liquid with the blood. I shook, but I tried to keep myself together. I laid my back back on the bed. I felt my warm tears softly dripping past my temple. I breathed through my mouth, otherwise I would hyperventilate immediately. Everything was too much for me at that moment. I held my hand before my hands to hide from the dazzling light. I wanted to scream to ease the deafening silence. I wish Selena was here. She could distract me. But I wish she'd never come back as well, she gave me strange feelings, of which I wasn't sure of if I wanted to feel them. But she actually made me happy. How could I, how dared I. Daddy would slap me if he heard about her, I shouldn't tell him about her. I looked at how he appeared back on the chair again. I was too tired to hurt myself again, I'd better let him do it. I sat back up, but it was worse than ever. 'You should burn back to hell' he said. He set my room on fire. No no no, not again. I stood up to dodge away from the flames behind me. I ran to the other side of the room, but the fire was everywhere. I cried it out.

*
"MOM!" I yelled, I knew she'd never be there. Dad still stood in the corner of the room, the flames lid his clothes on fire. It was him who was on fire. I saw his skin burn into flesh, but he didn't move a single bit. The sweat broke through my skin as I felt the warmth of the fire. I screamed like a small child.

Until people came in. Demons. They were here. I screamed at them. I didn't want to die. They grabbed my arms, but I fought back. Kicked the caregiver's stool to scare them off. Noises overlapped while the flames blocked my vision. I burned. I still screamed while I tried my very best to get lose from the strong arms that held me. One of the demons threw me on the ground. They punched with their pointy knees against me to push me through the floor, into hell. The flames burned me from the inside. I couldn't breathe. They pulled me back up when I stopped kicking. They dragged me to the door.

"NO! DON'T TAKE ME!" I screamed, but there was no way they would let me drop. Until somebody stood in the doorway. She eased my pain immediately. My jaw dropped when the flames stopped blocking my view of her. It was my mother. She was there. She actually was there. She stepped towards me in a flash and grabbed my jaws. Until the blue eyes turned brown. Her face changed. Everything changed. The flames disappeared and so did my dad. It wasn't my mother's face anymore, it was Selena's.

She fell on her knees after the caregivers let her go. I quickly fell next to her and embraced her. She quickly wrapped her arms my neck and cried it out.

"Your shirt, madam." One of the caregivers said. I felt the blood from Demi's wrist sink in the back of my shirt. It made me tear up. It scared me, but also hit me emotionally.

"Go to your patients, I've got this. Mabel, could you take my shift?" I suavely spoke. Mabel nodded and all the people left the room. Demi still cried loudly. She dug her nose into my shoulder after she stopped screaming.

"I.." She began. Her gasps made her unable to speak.

"Breathe, honey." I rubbed my hand against her back. She breathed in heavily.

"I t-thought you were m-my mother." She sobbed. I widened my eyes and pulled away of surprise. She looked like a mess. She thought I was her mother? That'd explain why she looked so shocked when I walked in. What the heck did she imagine while getting tantrums?

"What did you see?" I asked while wiping the hair from her face.

"My father, fire, you." She lowered her head a little while she looked at me. She was in mental pain, and it hurt me to see that. I grabbed her hand and placed my other hand over it. I looked at her wrist. My stomach twisted around to see all the blood.

"Why did you cut?" I asked. She looked at the cuts too now.

"He was about to hurt me, he wouldn't go away." She cried.

Chapter Text

Posttraumatic stress disorder. I knew for sure that she was suffering from it. She relived her traumatizing memory every day. The fire was stuck in her head and she kept seeing her parents. Her parents neglected her badly before they died. I knew from my studies that a child is even more depended on their parents when the parent's behavior was precarious. She never got schooled, how boring yet scary must her life have been?

"You must go outside." I said to her. We still sat on the ground after she stopped crying.

"I can't go outside." She stated as if she had said that more than a million times.

"I don't care. Nobody will notice, come." I helped her up and checked if anyone was outside her hut. She quickly dried her tears and stood behind me. I grabbed her hand and pulled her with me. We quickly walked to a different room with an emergency exit, one that sometimes stood open if it was hot outside. I opened it and looked outside, there was no one there. I quickly stepped outside and stepped a few steps into the garden.

"We can only be here for about 5 minutes, one day you'll really get out of here and-" I said while holding my hand up for her to grab it again, but once I realized I didn't feel her soft hand in mine, I turned around. She still stood there in the doorway. She looked up to the sky.

"W-where is the sun?" She asked. I pointed at the sun above the building she stood in. She looked at me and then at the ground. She balanced with her feet on the high edge, but then slowly placed both feet outside. It was a big moment for her, I knew that. She looked at the line of the shadow of the building. She held her hand under de sunlight. She smiled. She slowly stepped forward and turned to where the sunlight came from. I just stood there watching this marvelous moment. Her squeezing eyes closed as she let the vitamins draw into her skin. Her smile didn't disappear. She wanted this since she came here. She hadn't seen the sun for fourteen years. She lifted her head even further, and then descended it in a circle. She wanted to let every inch of her face experience the warmth. She wanted to wake up every nerve, after all those years. She looked at me with a bright smile. A contagious smile that almost brought me in tears.

I held my hand back up and she gamely hopped to me to take it. We walked for a moment while she quietly observed every branch and every leaf in the garden.

"Look those are really pretty." She said while pointing at some buttercups in the grass. I nodded and looked at the yellow flowers. A pattern of yellow and green colors. Until I saw a red color disturbing the scenery.

"Oh come check this out." I crouched to it at took the ladybug on my finger. She crouched beside me and looked wide-eyed at the beautiful bug.

"Here, put your hand up." I said and she obeyed. I let it crawl onto her hand. She smiled while letting it crawl onto different fingers.

"She's 4 years old." She said.

"Why?"

"She has 4 dots." She answered and pointed at them. And yet again she thought like a child, it was incredibly adorable. What she said wasn't true, but I found it too cute to tell her that's a hoax.

"Yeah!" I said with a smile. Suddenly the ladybug erected her wings and flew away from Demi. Demi screamed when she saw the small thing jumping away. She stood up immediately and straightened her clothes quickly.

"Are you okay?" I laughed. She inhaled deeply, raised her eyebrows and nodded.

"Come, let's go back to your hut." I said while placing a hand on her back.

"No, I want to stay here." She said with a piteous tone. I looked at my watch, we were here for fifteen minutes. I severely shook my head. She looked around and rubbed her hands nervously while her breath accelerated a little. Oh no.

"Now, relax, don't worry. We'll head off to your hut and nobody will notice." I said. I knew she didn't want to leave the garden. It was really beautiful over here and she finally felt the sun like ever wanted.

"Come." I gently untied her arms from each other and took her left arm. She walked with me, fortunately. We walked back inside and through the corridor. We only stood a few feet away from her hut, until she stopped again.

"Come on." I pushed a little. She shook her head with a sour face while trying to stay on her place. What was up with her?

"Come on! Demi!" I said while pushing a little harder.

"No no no no!" She said as she almost started crying. I stepped in front of her. She looked as if she just saw a ghost. Her sudden eye movements increased. She avoided looking at me while she tried to hold her tears back.

"Why don't want to go back to your hut?"

"I.. he.. the f-" She kept correcting herself, as if she wasn't allowed to say the right words. She didn't want to go in there, because this was the place where she kept seeing the same things over and over again. The whole situation with the fire. She stared with her eyelids descended. Damn. She was so traumatized, and she was so tired of that. She just had to stop thinking about it, she had to be distracted by something.

I looked up and placed my hands on her shoulders. She looked me in the eyes as her eyes filled up with tears again. I couldn't give her faces of sympathy now. I emotionlessly stared at her while focusing on getting her out of her thoughts. My hands moved to her neck. I deliberately visibly breathed, so that she could follow. My hands moved to her jaws. Her stressed face finally relaxed. Good. She stood there paralyzed, sensing everything I did. Her eyes were stuck on mine. My thumb caressed over her cheekbone, to the middle of her cheek, to her lower lip. It was so soft, all of it. I now gently took her arms and pulled her with me without losing eye contact with her. She finally walked into her hut with me. She blinked when I turned the lights on, which led her out of her trance immediately. But it worked, she was inside without problems. I closed the door behind her.

"You just need a little distraction." I said with a smile. She looked down. I went to the caregiver's locker above the table and took out her medicines. She suddenly smiled as her cheeks became red. She made a small sound as a shy smirk.

"What's so funny?" I asked. She looked at me.

"I needed distraction, and you were what was distracting me." She realized shyly. I chuckled and went on. She could see through me, and it amused me, because in the end she didn't mind. I sat down on her bed to press the medicines out of its packet. I gave the pills to Demi and she quickly ran to the bathroom to swallow them.

I looked aside when I noticed scratches on the side of her nightstand. I shove myself to the head of the bed and viewed the scrabbles, made with pen. 'Mary' 'Mary has a ball'. The childish handwriting was spread all over the side. I never thought her to write!? Did she do that all by herself?

"Demi, did I accidently leave the book here yesterday?" I asked.

"No." She said from the bathroom.

"How did you know how to write these?" I caressed with the tips of my fingers against the words. Demi walked back and stepped in front of me.

"I just remembered them." She said. She could already remember what the words looked like after reading a sentence for the first time?

"Demi, what did the letter look like that you didn't remember?" I grabbed my papers and gave her a pen.

"Uh." She tried to write it down carefully. She gave it to me. 't'.

"What does it say?" I asked.

"I don't remember."

"Demi, this isn't normal. I never taught you how to write. Did you learn that earlier?" I stated. She shook her head while she frowned. How could she be this intelligent?

"Do you know numbers? And how you write them?"

"Yes!" She yelled excited.

"Okay hold on, can you solve these for me?" I asked. I wrote down some hard calculations. '2+5' '15-7' '38+73+24' '2x14' '35x28' 'square root 2809 - 67 to the power of 2. I gave the board to Demi. She wrote the answers at a stretch, as if she didn't need time at all to think of the solutions. She gave back the board. '7' '8' '135' '28' '980' '-4436'. I quickly grabbed the calculator of my phone to check the answers. She was right. Every answer was correct and she wrote them down without thinking.

"You.. you're a genius.." I said shocked. She looked quizzically at me.

"Demi, this is amazing. I could convince Mister Sanders that you're bright enough to at least join the secondary department! You could get a job out of this! You can make money with this talent, Demi! You're smart as a whip!" I got up of excitement.

"What is she doing here, Gomez!?" Mister Sanders said while Demi stood attached to my arm after entering his office. She tensed her shoulders, she looked intimidated by the big man. She had memories of him, I could see it.

"Sir, I really need to talk about Demi." I said. He sighed and gestured for us to sit down.

"Demi does not deserve to be in the primary department at all." I began.

"Miss, we talked about this. You know exactly why she's there."

"Demi is a very intelligent and clever girl who suffers from Posttraumatic stress disorder. She might have might have some other diseases, she might have some form of autism and maybe Schizophrenia, but PTSD is probably the main disease. I believe that if we give her a chance in the secondary department she will be happier, because I already see a big progress since she went outside for once."

"And we all know how that ended, Selena. She can scare the others!" He said.

"If we give her the chance, she might entertain herself more. She can distract herself from thinking fearful thoughts. Please, mister Sanders, I beg you." I went further. He sighed again. Demi stared to the floor while deeply paying attention to every sound she heard. I sighed too, this was my chance to get her out of her hut.

"Sir, please listen to me. Demi is a normal human being, just like all other patients here. She's not a monster. If people behave normally around her, she'll behave normal too. It's the hut and the way people treat her that make her 'lunatic'. She needs people who love her the way she is, she doesn't need caregivers who treat her like a robot that needs to be fed. If she's allowed to be around other people, she'll get used to them and her anxiety will fade away. She's only helpless if she's feeling lonely and has nothing else to think about but the reason she got in here." I had nothing to add. I bit the insides of my cheeks, this could cost me my job. Demi started looking at me with raised eyebrows after I said a few sentences.

"We'll think about it Gomez, get out of my office." Sanders commanded.

"Thank you for sticking up to me." Demi said while sitting with her legs crossed on her bed. I smiled fake, still disappointed that it didn't work out. She looked down when she realized I wasn't going to respond with words. I grabbed my files and started counting her medicines, as I was supposed to.

"Selena?"

"Yes?" I looked at her.

"I uh.. I want to kiss somebody." She said convinced. I raised an eyebrow. I did not see that coming.

"Kiss, as in actually kiss?" I asked. She nodded with a slight smile.

"But with who?" I went further.

"Uh.. I, uh.. I w-was hoping..I wanted t-to uh.." Demi stuttered while she saw me sitting down next to her. She kept stuttering until she gulped and scratched the back of her ear.

"Most people only kiss a person if she loves the person." I said.

"Do I love you?"

"Me?" I said softly. She widened her eyes and gulped again. Her entire face became red.

"I don't know. I think I do, you?" I said

"I don't know." Her nerves made her grin shyly. No, that grin wasn't enough for me. I wanted her to laugh for one time. I insisted. I flew behind her and started tickling her heavily from behind.

"What! No! Stop!" She burst out laughing the most truthful, contagious and astonishing laugh I had ever heard. She tried her very best to push my arms away, but I didn't stop. She kicked with her feet in the air and fell onto me when she tumbled over. She still laughed her lungs out while yelling inaudible words. She grabbed one of my arms and pulled in such a way that I ended up parcel over her. We both laughed hardly while I tried to wipe my hair from my face.

"You're so lightweight." Demi laughed while I tried push myself up in order not to crush her ribs, since I found myself on top of her.

"Do I have to tickle you again?" I menaced teasingly.

"No! I beg you, have mercy!" She laughed. Demi panted of laughing and looked at me. I saw how she widened her eyes when she realized she hadn't laughed in years. I stared into the gates of her eyes and so did she in mine.

"Uhm.. sorry." I grinned and made an attempt to get off her. She stopped me from leaving and brushed her hand through her hair with a smile. She made me stay on my place above her. It was true, we both couldn't resist our wants from each other any longer. Things we never spoke about. I wanted to kiss her so badly, I never actually thought about it. I wanted to know what she tasted like, irrespectively of how stupid that sounds. And she wanted this too, I could not believe how she thought of me.

I avoided looking at her. I was too scared that my thoughts, about her wanting this too, were false. But I was quite sure when she grabbed my jaws again. For a moment I thought she'd reach with her lips for my forehead again, but her head stayed on its place. She frowned of confusion as she took away her hands again and caressed them over my arms. She sighed.

"Do you really want it?" I asked.

"I don't know how." She said scared. That meant a yes.

"Just.. go in easy steps.. Relax." I said as I lowered my head and reached for her lips. It felt like it took ages of being careful in a pleasant way, before my lips touched hers. They were soft and warm. I rubbed with mine against hers, telling her to follow me. She did, very carefully. She placed her hands on my cheeks again, which gave me a warm feeling in my stomach. My fingertips crawled over her collarbones. I didn't dare to go any further than this. She was the person to make the confines, well, at least more than me. It was her very first time, and she's 23 years old. Wow. Was I allowed to 'go French'? I gently touched the inside of her lips with my tongue, hoping she'd allow me to. She hesitated, until he suddenly stopped and pulled away.

"I'm sorry. I don't really know-.. Are you okay?" I found her squeezing her eyes closed and frown severely. She rolled to her side and pushed my arms and chest to keep me away. I got up next to her bed quickly. She rolled herself up and covered her face with her hands. For a moment I thought I heard her crying.

Chapter Text

"A-are you having an attack?" I asked while leaning over her bed to get any kind of sign from her. If she had one, she wouldn't respond, so asking was alright.

"No." She said while her breath increased severely. She moaned as she started hyperventilating.

"Get up, get up now." I said swiftly as I pulled her up. She sat up while she still covered her head.

"G-go away!" She yelled. I was shocked of what I heard. I thought everything was going so well. But the way she was physically hurt didn't tell me this was just the fact that she didn't want this. There was more.

"What's going on? Are you hurt?" I grabbed her arm to get a glimpse of her face. She slapped my hand away and screamed at me. She screamed harder than ever.

"No no no no." She said swiftly. She laid herself down and lifted her knees back up. She cried painfully. She held her arm up as if she wanted to defend herself from any punches I could give her. I would never, of course. But that was it... She thought I could be her father.

"Demi, who am I?" I said.

"I DON'T KNOW!" she screamed.

"Who do you see?"

"I DON'T WANT YOU TO HURT ME." She didn't answer my question. I quickly sat down next to her and helped her sit up. She refused, but I made her. I hugged her tightly after she screamed at me again. She didn't know who she was hugging, I felt her pain caused by the confusion.

"It's me Selena, I'm me, listen to my voice." I said calmly. Demi still hyperventilated in my arms.

"Breathe, Demi, please." I could not believe what happened. We were kissing one minute ago, and all of the sudden she saw me as someone else. But you know, that's something PTSD does to a person. I held my hand on the back of her head. She finally relaxed a little.

"Y-you're.." She didn't finish her sentence. She exhaled heavily and rested her chin on my shoulder.

"Come, some sleep might help." I said.

"D.. Don't.." Her gasps made it hard for her to speak. She was relaxed, yet highly alert if she wasn't hugging the wrong person. Anything I said could make it look like I was her father.

She kicked off her shoes and crawled underneath her blankets. She looked at me, I was quite certain she knew who I was again.

"Can you sleep with me tonight?" She asked softly.

"I can't, Grace will be mad at me again."

"Again? I thought you left that night."

"I would never do that." I said truthfully. Demi sighed.

"I-I'm scared.." She said. I sighed too, I actually didn't care about Grace. I laid myself next to her. She immediately hugged me. She laid with her head under my head, as she twisted her leg around mine. She made herself little, it was cold in her hut. I embraced my arm over her shoulder and held her close.

"I forgot my medicine." she whispered.

"You're tired enough to sleep without it." I replied while closing my eyes.

"That's not why I have them." She suddenly said. "They prevent nightmares." That'd explain why she had one when she took a nap, on the day she went outside for the first time.

"Oh. What kind of nightmares?" I asked. She didn't reply.

"About what happened before you got here?" I went further. I felt her head nodding. I sighed.

"What the heck ever happened to you?" I said, not expecting an answer from her.

"Do you want me to tell you?" She said.

"Yes!" I replied.

"I can, but you most hold me tight." she said. I knew exactly why, she was afraid she'd relive it again if she told me. She needed something to tell her it was the past. And so I placed my hand on the back of her head. She sighed.

"I-it started on a day when I was nine years old. Mom was gone to do grocery shopping. We both believed that daddy was out with friends for a few days. Until he came home, when my mom wasn't. It was my worst nightmare, I knew what he was going to do with me. He had done it so many times before. He faltered to me, I could almost taste the smell of alcohol that he radiated. He said to me: 'I'm way too turned on, pumpkin, come here.' I didn't know what he meant with that. I got up to run outside, but he grabbed me by my arm. He slapped me to the ground. 'If you run away, or scream this time, I might use the anesthesia.' he said. I didn't want that at all, it scared me. He crouched down and took of m-my pants. He started to rub his fingers against my private parts. I cried, I couldn't scream. I didn't want it, he needed the stop. Until mom suddenly opened the door and screamed of what she saw. Dad got up and started yelling at her. I quickly pulled up my pants and made an attempt to get to mommy, but dad held me back. 'Leave her alone you creep!' she yelled. Dad slapped her hard. I cried it out. He grabbed her by her neck and.." She suddenly stopped. "And she.."

"It's okay.." I said to keep her in reality.

"No, I.. I don't remember what happened to mom." She said. That was a normal symptom of PTSD. The brain repudiates important memories to keep functioning normally. "Well... what happened to her caused the fire. She was dead. I.. I saw her burning to death. T-the flames spread quickly across the living room. I wanted to help her, but my dad picked me up and threw my on his shoulder. He wanted to take me outside, but I resisted as much as I could. I stopped him by grabbing the wooden closet. He was too drunk to keep standing on both legs and fell on his back. I bumped my head against the floor and my shirt lid up in flames. I quickly pulled it off and ran outside. The neighbor already stood outside and watched the house burn. He called an ambulance for the wounds on my back. I cried my lungs out on my way to the hospital.." She cried a little after speaking. Wow. I didn't expect all of this. She hugged me tighter around my waist.

"Don't worry. What happened has happened, it won't happen again." I said.

"But it does, every minute of every day. Daddy keeps standing in the corner of the room and mom keeps flashing in front of my face. The fire keeps.." She gasped.

"What?" I said. She buried her nose in the space between my arm and collarbone. She had been terrified all her life. She was constantly alert of whenever one of her parents would enter her vision. No wonder that she saw me as her dad after I kissed her... He sexually abused her. The screams she then made suddenly made sense. 'Don't hurt me' she then said. She didn't say that to me, she said that to her father. A shot of pain hit my chest and my eyes filled up with tears. I kissed her forehead and rested my chin on top of her head. It actually made me cry. I sniffed while tears tickled over my nose.

"I'm sorry." She said.

"It's okay. I needed to know someday." I sobbed.

"You're the only one who understands me." She added.

"Why?"

"People believe that I'm crazy so often that I started believing it myself. I thought I was crazy. You ease that thought, you make me feel normal again." She said. I smiled.

"You are. Don't ever think something like that. Heck, I love you. I never told you but I do. I'm sure." I said truthfully. It was quiet for a moment. This was such a sad night that I almost forgot my life behind this institution. It felt like Demi's life had become mine. We both shared our life, together. It was something we both always wanted.

"I love you too" She whispered after a while. She snuggled up before I could see her eyelashes descending from above. She fell asleep without taking her medicine. But she didn't care, she knew I'd be there when she got a nightmare. I was here whenever she would relive her memories in her dreams. I was here to catch them before she received them. I was going to help her. I love her. I kissed her forehead once more. She was sleeping, she wouldn't notice me doing it, but I didn't care. I fell asleep too after a while.

The light from the window woke me up the next morning. No Grace, huh. Demi lay with her head on my shoulder, her neck was fully stretched and just a tiny little snore was audibly through her breath. I looked at the small freckles that were located around her nose and cheeks. Her mouth was dry and slightly open. Adorable. I smiled after I remembered what happened yesterday. We kissed. AND she told her back story. It was a big step for the both of us. She really started to open up to me. I looked at the side of her nightstand. 'Mary' 'Mary has a ball'. The words we spread everywhere. If she was my child, I would get really mad at her for scratching on furniture. Her mind was incredible. In some respects, she thought like a seven year old kid, but in others she thought like an old wise woman. I carefully grabbed my phone from my pocket to check the time. Shit. It was 11 AM. Did Grace leave us alone? I looked at the door. Oh, she left a letter. Okay, time to wake the sleepy head that was drooling on my shoulder.

"Good morning, honey." I kissed her temple as the slow body came in motion. She inhaled deeply. She turned around and moaned that she didn't want to get up. I grinned and climbed over her to get out of bed, swiftly kissing her temple once more before both of my legs reached the ground. I walked to the letter.

Congrats, Demi can move to the secondary department in a week. You're allowed to take her there from now. I guess I shouldn't spoil the cuddling time anymore. Do I see a little love going on there? ;) I'll take your shift for this morning, since you're already late. -Grace

Oh my God. I did it! Demi can enter the secondary department. I looked shocked at the piece of paper. I grinned and threw the paper in Demi's trashcan.

"Get up lazybones, Grace and I switched shifts." I said and sat down next to her.

"Nah-ah" She mumbled while shaking her head. I grinned again.

"Incoming." I said emotionlessly and threw my whole weight on her body. She made a sound of getting squeezed and widened her eyes.

"Not so lightweight anymore." She said with a squeezed voice. I burst out laughing. She grinned and threw me off her as she sat up. I ended with my back laying over her hips and my arms up.

"Guess what. You're allowed to stay in the secondary department in a week!" I said happily. She widened her eyes.

"No way."

"Yes way! Come! We're going to eat in the cafeteria." I said joyfully. Demi looked at me with a slight smile.

"Boop." She poked me with one finger on my bare stomach. I flew up in a reflex.

"Coh-omee." I held my arm up so that she could drag herself out of bed. She put on her sneakers and walked over to the door with me. We confidently walked through the corridor, until I opened the door to the secondary department. Her smile disappeared and she tensed her shoulders. Oh, how scary, people. We walked over to the cafeteria and joined the line.

"Hi guys, what is a primary girl doing here? You must be a special one, how are you?" A cute boy of our age joined the line behind us. He held his hand up for Demi to shake it. Demi held her shoulders up and looked wide-eyed at the blond boy. As if she saw a monster in front of her. She dropped her empty plastic plate of shock.

Chapter Text

I quickly grabbed the plate from the ground and gave it back to Demi. She still looked wide-eyed at the boy.

"This, uh, this is Demi. I'm Selena, her caregiver and yes, she's from the primary department. She's fine, just a bit nervous, how are you?" I quickly said. The boy laughed and shook my hand. Demi looked at me as I made her more comfortable in the situation. She followed and shook the guy's hand as well.

"Great! My name is Luca. I'm in the secondary department because I suffer from a small form of Acute Stress Disorder." He said. I nodded with a smile.

"And why is the lady here?" Luca asked Demi. Demi looked down.

"I uh.. I will join the se-secondary department soon." She said shyly. Luca raised his eyebrows and nodded.

"Nice! You should come sit with us, over there." He pointed at a table full of boys and girls who actually looked very regular.

"Sure, we'll love that, right Demi?" I said. She nodded as she started blushing.

"Uh.. actually we kind of have the rule not to bring any caregivers with us." Luca said guiltily. Oh. Was Demi able to be alone with those new people?

"Uh, oh. Sure. Do you want to go there without me?" I asked. Demi bit her lower lip and looked back at the table. She softly nodded. She wanted to make friends, I understood completely.

"Sweet! Come." The boy knew he couldn't randomly touch her, so before he grabbed her shoulders from behind, he quickly changed his mind and withdrew. Okay, yes, he was a sweet guy. Demi followed Luca to the table, as the others greeted her friendly. I quickly took my plate to a bar table and stood against it. I had eaten alone here before, it wasn't a problem to me. My biggest concern was how Demi would handle this nerve-wracking situation. I watched her like an eagle peeking at a field mouse. She shyly sat down without saying anything.

"How is it going?" Kris sneaked up behind me. I looked at her for a second and then looked back at the table.

"She's alone with these guys."

"Wow! Well that's what I call progress!" Kris almost yelled. I started nervously scratching the back of my ear.

"What if she loses her shit again?" I asked.

"You got this, silly. If she snaps, you can come in action." Kris said while looking at Demi with me. I sighed.

"What's wrong?" Kris saw through me immediately.

"Oh, nothing. It's just.. I had kind of hoped this would be a morning for the two of us." I said, hoping she wouldn't notice we kind of love each other. Or.. were in a relationship. Were we? We never actually made it official. Whatever.

"Well, I think Demi making friends is more important than you two making your bond stronger than it is already." She said and winked. That flattered me.

"You think our bond is strong?" I asked.

"Girl, every caregiver in this building is talking about it. Ever since you are the only one who ever stopped her from a tantrum by just standing in her view, people really appreciate you two together. Some even think you guys have something going on.." She laughed. I grinned fake. Oh shit, there are rumors. Did Grace tell about us sleeping together? That could cost me my job. I suddenly had my eyes back on Demi, when I saw her back bouncing back and forth nervously. She rubbed her hands as her breath accelerated a little. When one of the guys asked her something she quickly avoided eye contact and turned her head to the other side.

"Okay, okay, that's enough for today." I said and walked towards her, leaving Kris behind laughing. I took Demi's hand without saying anything. She stood up and attached herself to my arm. She knew I saved her from a panic attack.

"She needs to go, bye guys." I said and took her with me.

I picked a few strings on the guitar that belonged to the music room.

"Yikes, this guitar is out of tune." I said while twisting a few tuning machines. Demi looked through a book full of sheet music.

"Did you find one already?" I asked while trying to make the guitar in tune.

"Yes, a few. Oh look!" She turned the book around with a bright smile. '4 non blondes - What's up'.

"Oh yay! We can play that one! Here give it to me" I said excited. Demi handed me the map and I placed it on the table.

"Hm, wait." I said as I tried to hit the right notes. A, Bm, D, Dsus, A, Asus, Bm, D, Dsus, A, Asus. Okay. I swept with my hand against the snares and nodded to Demi that she could start. She inhaled to sing, but didn't begin. She probably just missed the right chord. I played the row again and as Demi waited for the right note. Until that note got played, but yet again, she didn't start singing. She looked at me with a stressed face. Once I started playing the row for the third time, I lost patience.

"..y-years and my life is still, trying to get up that great big hill of hope, for a destination." I began.

"I realized quickly when I knew I should, That the world was made up of this brotherhood of man. For whatever that means." She started quietly singing with me. From then on, I stopped singing, therewith saying that she could sing a little louder. She did. Her voice was so beautiful. She sang effortless and with full emotion. The words gave a smile on her face, she even grinned when she sang "I am feeling a little peculiar." But once we played towards the chorus, she suddenly stopped singing.

"Go on." I mouthed. She looked down. I stopped playing and placed the guitar back on its stand.

"Owwkay... What do you want to do now?" I said. She didn't respond. She kept looking down to her cut wrist. She hesitated, but in the end she took the bandage off her arm. Deep, barely healed, red, frightening scares were visible. I gulped. Why did she take the bandage off?

"Selena?"

"Hm?"

"Am I a monster for hurting myself?" She asked suddenly. I raised my eyebrows. She actually thought she was a monster... I looked at the scars as I frowned. I shook my head softly.

"T-they look like something only a monster would do." She added. She wasn't a monster at all. She was the woman I loved. I would never love a monster. I slowly took the wrist, avoiding to touch the scars. She looked at me, as I brought my lips to them. I softly kissed them. Not too soft, to say I really wanted to do the action I was doing, yet not too hard so I wouldn't hurt her. You don't want to know how much I'd hate myself if I would ever hurt her. Her eyes were glued to me. Her beautiful, yet traumatized eyes. Eyes that had seen the worst, next to the ears that heard the most terrible screams and cries. Damaged. Her skin had been shattered into cracks and her heart was leaking blood. The very same blood that calms her down whenever she tries to avoid her hallucinations. Blood that broke through the skin where I had my lips pressed against just now. The gesture meant so much. Meanings that can't be described. 'I love you, even if you're abusing yourself. I will always take care of the wounds that you make. You are precious, worth to be kissed.' I carefully let go and smiled at her. She smiled back while her eyes filled up with tears.

"You said you love me..?" I began. She nodded while putting the bandage back to its position.

"We never really made it official." I said nervously. She looked surprised at me.

"Made what official?" She asked the question I was the most scared of to hear. Her comes the stutter-bomb again. I grinned nervously.

"Ou-our uhm.. r-relations-ship. " Phew, that was out of my mouth. Demi widened her eyes even more and then nervously picked her nails.

"Is it possible for a woman to love a woman?" I didn't expect that question from her. I nodded with a smile.

"What are you called if that's your case?"

"A lesbian."

"Oh... are you a lesbian?" She asked like a little kid. I nodded again, more confident about my answer than ever before.

"Am.. Am I a lesbian?" She asked further. I shrug my shoulders.

"You're the only one who can tell." I actually found it adorable that she had never heard of this, yet she did accept it right away. I have had so much experience with people leaving me for what I am. People in college saw me a sex-vending-machine. You could push a corner in me and do it with me that night. No, I wasn't a player or anything. I just liked to experiment, just like them. Yet now I know that they just used me. They incited me to a party, made me drunk and then laid me in bed that very night. It was horrible. But to Demi, this was a whole new world. Not the lesbian part, I mean the love part. She had bad experiences with her father. So bad, it wasn't comparable with what I did in college. But she never knew what love meant, not even from her parents. Yes, her mother was way nicer to her than her father, but she must have been an alcoholic as well. They didn't even school Demi. They really neglected their own daughter. If they still lived, I would have tackled them a hundred times already.

"Yes." Demi said suddenly. I looked up from staring into nothing. I hadn't noticed I had sunk into my thoughts.

"Yes what?" I hesitated to ask.

"Yes, we can make it official." She said with a smile. My eyes almost rolled out of my head. I gasped and flew into Demi's arms. She laughed. The same laugh from yesterday again. It was contagious and adorable. My smile disappeared when I remembered I only had this morning with her. I looked at my watch and it was indeed time to bring Demi to her next caregiver. I sighed.

"Come, let's go to Josh." I said. I quickly kissed her cheek and helped her from the ground.

"Hi." I said while holding the door to Mister Sanders's office. He smiled at me and goggled.

"Yeah, probably already know why I'm here. I just wanted to thank you so so much." I said rapidly.

"No problem, you were right, but don't get used to that." He said as he put one finger up. We laughed.

"I can't believe I've helped her to the secondary department in one and a half month time." I said relieved.

"Yes, you really kept your word! You're really not giving u on her!" He said with his Surinamese accent. He stood up and walked towards me. I unclenched myself from the door when I noticed he wanted to give me a hand.

"I smell promotion, Gomez." He laughed. "If you could chose anything for this job, what would it be?" Wow, I never expected this. One month ago, I would have said that I was already happy with a little more salary. But, this was actually a great opportunity to..

"Could I maybe get more shifts with Demi?" I said. I wanted to face palm myself. That sounded so desperate.

"More Demi-time it is. It makes you happy AND it's good for Demi." He smiled. I almost kicked my heels up of happiness. This couldn't be true! I was actually able to spend more time with Demi. I swear, one day, she'll walk on free feet in the sunlight. The thought drew a smile on my face after leaving the office.

Chapter Text

My schedule changed the day after. I got to spend the whole Monday, Wednesday, and Friday with the girl I'm proud to call my girlfriend now. And of course all the evenings, just like before. I helped her getting used to the secondary department that week and now it was finally time for Demi to move to her new room. Demi and I walked with two boxes, full of her stuff, towards the new corridor. It was way less frightening than the corridor from the primary department. Demi stared her eyeballs out around her. The lights weren't dimmed here and the wallpapers were soft pink.

"Room 5, here." I said while opening up the room for her. She was officially allowed to keep the door open and she could walk away from her room whenever she wanted. Demi brightened up for the freedom she felt. I placed the box on the ground and Demi followed. Her new room was gorgeous. The walls contained a soft pink color as well and the place was just nicely finished, compared to her old basement of a hut. She finally owned more furniture, like a big mirror and some closets. Closets, clothes. She actually was able to wear her own clothes now. But she would need to buy them first, outside.

"Oh my god.." I said while realizing it all.

"What?"

"You're allowed to go outside, Demi." I said while looking shocked at her. Demi looked at the trees outside the building. I could see in her face that only now he realized it as well. She looked back at me, as she didn't know what to say. Her eyes told me she wanted to go outside as fast as possible. She was finally allowed to, after fourteen slow years.

"You want to go to the park?" I said. She nodded swiftly as her shocked expression was stuck on her face. I smiled and grabbed her hand. We hopped out of the corridor, into the head-corridor.

"Who-ho-ho, where are you two going." Mister Sanders stopped us. Shit, what if he doesn't let us go? Demi stepped backward. Why was she so scared of the man?

"O-outside. To the park." I said, hoping he'd accept that. His strict face suddenly turned into a smile.

"You two are like running children! Have fun." He said. His eyes pointed at Demi, as he slowly grabbed her shoulder. Demi stood stiffened while she didn't know what to say or to do.

"I'm glad you're starting to feel better." He said. He was such a nice man. Demi smiled sweetly and gave him a nod to say 'thank you'. We walked towards the front door that stood wide open. It was beautiful outside. The grass looked greener than ever and the sun was shining everywhere. We both stepped into the sunlight. Demi looked around. She was actually outside. She was free, and so I noticed that she still stood there attached to my arm.

"Walk alone... You're free." I said. Demi didn't keep her eyes off the view. She softly pulled her arms away from me. She stepped forward as she looked at her sneakers. She walked in the sunlight while she increased speed. She walked faster and faster. I walked after her. She hopped, she jogged, she ran, she sprinted. I saw her run as fast as possible. I started running after her, this was amazing. She was like a leopard that was finally freed from her cage. She ran as fast as a deer in the woods, as a lioness in the savannah. She ran. It gave me a smile on my face.

"Demi!" I yelled when I noticed I couldn't keep up. She ran faster than I did. I saw how her arms moved in contrast with her legs. The small clouds of dust she left behind after her feet hit the gravel road. My smile disappeared when my flank started to receive a severe sting.

"DEMI!" I yelled again. She stopped. She looked back at me with the most energetic smile I had ever seen. She jumped up and down. She started screaming of enjoyment and happiness. She ran to me and grabbed my arms, causing me to automatically jump with her. She screamed even louder. She was free. I laughed with her. Her powerful open wide mouth made me scream with her. She was finally free, and she wanted to be free with me. We danced and jumped up and down until our lungs couldn't keep up any longer. We laughed and ran to the grass. She stopped as she looked back at me. In a second she had her arms around me, still jumping a little. She was so happy. She almost cried of joy. She swung me around as we tried to keep our feet on the ground, but her clumsiness made her trip over my feet, causing both of us to fall because she still had her arms around me. Demi quickly got off me and rolled onto the grass on her back. The grass was warm and soft. She still laughed while panting severely. Totally out of breath, but positively this time. I will never forget this moment. She looked at the milky white clouds that floated in the bright blue sky. She started laughing once again somehow.

"What?" I asked.

"A dolphin." She said. I looked quizzical at her. A dolphin? She looked at me for a split second and pointed at one of the clouds. I raised my eyebrows when I saw a cute little dolphin formed in the clouds. How brilliant of her to just see that in such a short time. I saw in the corner of my eyes how she went through the grass with her fingers. It reminded me of what she said in her interview. 'And I sometimes pretend that my room is our old garden because then I pull off my shoes and pretend I feel the, uh, the grass.' She then said. She kept looking at the clouds above her, and I could've sworn that I saw her eyes fill up with tears. She tensed her lips as I saw a tear crawling down her temple. The grass made her think of the backyard, assumingly. I imagined a young precious Demi playing in the grass. In a time where her fantasy and reality still overlapped each other. If that happened now, it wasn't a good sign.

"Are you okay?" I asked. She exhaled deeply.

"Yeah.." She whispered. I grabbed her hand to ask her the same question for the second time. She tried her very best to hold her tears back now. She held her breath until a gasp gave me a big feeling of compassion.

"Oh, honey, don't cry!" I said. She turned over towards me and took my arm to cry. She quickly wiped over her cheeks whenever she felt another tear falling.

"I don't understand." She said very softly.

"What?"

"I'm so happy. Why am I crying?" She whispered.

"Well, you're happy about being outside, but maybe it all makes you think of your past." I guessed. She nodded as she dug her nose in my upper arm. What I said made her feel like she was allowed to cry, that's a message I'd been wanting to give her for a long time. She sniffed once more, followed by a small smirk.

"You understand me better than I do myself." She said with a smile. I grinned and kissed her forehead. This was probably the first time she actually experienced such mixed feelings. It was like she hit puberty in this very day. She was stubborn enough to just start sprinting without asking for it. She had never been so spontaneous before. She replaced her head and closed her eyes.

"What do you want to do?" I asked. She thought for a moment and looked at me.

"Maybe tell self-made up stories?" She said. I made a sound of interest.

"Hm. Only if you begin first." I replied. She grinned and consented. She thought for a moment.

"I am a shell." She began. I thought she was about to talk about herself. "I'm a beautiful piece of armor for my shellfish. Her name was Mallory. Yet she left me after she dried up when we washed ashore. I missed her dearly. I lay on my stomach, waiting to be found. I couldn't move on my own. The sun made me rough, I was used to being wet from the ocean. The shore kissed my face to wake me up after a cold night. I waited for someone to pick me up. Someone who thought I am beautiful. Someone who was collected more of my species, and picked me whenever she looked upon me. Until one day, it happened. A woman with beautiful black hair picked me up with her soft hands. She wiped the sand from my body and studied me. She raised an eyebrow, I was pretty enough I thought. She took me home in her dark bag. I almost sat there for four hours. I was blind at that moment, but I trusted her that she was going to take me to a better place. She parked her car and took her bag inside. She took me out of the bag, studied me again and washed me under the cleanest water I had ever felt and tasted. She dried me up and placed me in a closet that contained windows so that I could look at everything that happened here in this home. Every day since then, there was always a moment when she looked at me and placed her hand on the glass. To say hello to me and compliment me of how beautiful I am. She made me feel... unique. The years went by, until one day, I didn't see the woman for a long time. Longer than her usual holidays. She came back home after several weeks and had a few boxes in her hand. She started placing several things in her box until she came to me. She picked me up, I was afraid she would throw me away. I loved her, she couldn't do that to me. Until she put me in a bag, a place where no other object came in. I didn't know where she was going to take me, but I was really concerned. Until she took me out of the bag, the day after. She talked about me and placed me in the hands of a very small child. She said 'Keep this beautiful shell save. I took her with me my whole life. Take care of her, as if she is your child.' She closed the girls hand, I felt the small warm fingers pressing against my body. She thanked the woman and gave a kiss on her cheek. She then kissed me, like I was her child. The end." She stopped her story and left me speechless. That was beautiful. She looked at me and smiled.

"How did you just come up with that?" I asked. She shrugged her shoulders. I pointed my eyes back to the sky.

"Is it metaphorically?" I asked further. She nodded.

"How?"

"I am the shell. The woman is my mother and the little girl is you." She smirked. I looked at her. Wow, she was right. That sounded metaphorically just like our story.

"Who was Mallory the shellfish?" I asked. She closed her eyes and sighed deeply, being totally relaxed in my arms.

"God." She replied. I widened my eyes. It was all true. She thought God created her, made her develop to a baby as she 'dried up in the sand' and her mother, the woman, found her and took care of her. Until her mother gave her to me, yet her mother and I had never spoken to each other.

"Though, I have never spoken to your mother before." I said.

"She did."

"When?"

"When you asked if I wanted to be your girlfriend, I listened to my mom. She heard the question too and so you spoke to her. She finally accepted you and us together. I don't know if I would have said yes if she wasn't going to accept us at all." She said. I looked down and kissed her temple. This young lady... has an incredible and fascinating mind. We lay together for more than fifteen minutes after her story. Doing nothing more than just lying and hugging each other.

"Shall we go shopping?" I asked. Demi opened her eyes widely and lifted her head to me. I raised my eyebrows to tell her I meant the question. She smiled shyly and nodded.

Chapter Text

We sat on the bus, heading off to the city. I knew sitting in a bus can be awkward, but I didn't know it could be this nerve-wrecking. Demi kept replacing herself on her seat and looked forwards and backward in every second. Then she looked outside, and back to her nails that she was picking. And so on. I just checked my phone, texting with Evette and stuff.

You: I've got a scared squirrel sitting next to me, she's making me nervous.

Evette: She's your girlfriend.. Calm her down. She hasn't been around new people for a long time ;)

You: You're right.. brb x

"Demi, please. Stop moving and looking around like that. Why are you so scared?" As I put my hand on her shoulder. She stopped replacing herself and kept her shoulders tensed while she stared forward. She didn't answer my question. Sigh.

"Do you want gum?" I asked. She frowned as she looked at every move I made. I grabbed the package of gum out of my back and gave it to her.

"You can press them out, like medicines." I said while brushing my hair. She did as I asked at took one. She hadn't said a single word since we stepped into the bus. I looked at my watch.

"Five more minutes." I stated. She looked at the back of the bus again and quickly turned back around.

"What's wrong?" I asked again. Yet again she didn't reply and only fiddled with the empty gum package. I sighed. I noticed people staring at us. Great. As the bus stopped, Demi quickly flew out of it and waited for me to get out as well. The moment I stepped out she quickly clenched her arms around my right arm. I couldn't tell her not do that, she'd freak out. We headed off to the center.

"Okay, what kind of clothes would you like?" I asked. She frowned at me.

"Do you want a specific basic color, or dresses, or.." I suggested. She looked around to the other people.

"No no no, eyes to the mannequins in the shop windows. Look, that shop sells chic colorful clothes, that one sells less girly clothes. More striped blouses and stuff. That shop sells band shirt and other merchandise, but those are kind of expensive. That shop sells the most recent fashion, but the quality is kind of bad and it's really cheap." I numerated. She looked at the different types of clothes.

"W-what are band shirts?" She asked.

"You know bands right? That make music, such as REM or Guns 'n Roses. If you're a fan of a band you can buy their shirt." I explained. She looked impressed. We didn't need to worry about money, after searching through some documents I found that Demi actually has a heck of an amount. She inherited allot from her parents, of course, and she also got some money from the government and stuff. But it was instructive for her to learn how to use her money.

"I like that shop." She pointed the less girly store. I would have picked that one as well. I nodded with a smile and we headed off to the store.

"Mind to let go of me now? You can search through the store to whatever shirt or pants you like." I said. Demi looked at me as she unclenched. I grabbed the label of her shirt to check her size.

"If you like something you can search for size 8 in the label, okay?" I said. She nodded and slowly stepped into the shop. I turned around to find some shirts for her. The clothes were really nice here. I found black shoulder shirt. I looked over at her to imagine her wearing it, but once I saw her I also saw a contributor walking towards her. I quickly ran to her.

"Can I help you, miss?" He asked. Demi jumped and backed out immediately. She avoided eye contact before stuttering a little. I quickly stood by her side. But once she looked at me, I actually realized it was maybe better for her if she'd respond. I held my head oblique to tell her she should just speak to him. No, I'm wasn't going to save her whenever someone wanted to treat her like a normal person.

"I.. uh- I guess." She said with a trembling voice. The man looked Demi's bandaged wrist and scratches in her face, then at me for a split second. I nodded invisibly to him.

"Okay! Are you looking for something in particular?" He said happily.

"No.."

"You're just looking for some new awesome clothes huh? Well, you came to the right place. Oh, I know something that would look good on you." He walked over to rack full of shirts with a black tint. Nice. He grabbed a black shirt the was shorter in the front than on the back. It contained a white pattern of moon positions. My jaw dropped and saw how Demi brightened up a little. She's got the same taste as I have, nice. She nodded approvingly. The man handed her the shirt and went on.

"Can't people see me like this?" Demi said while peaking through the dressing room curtains. She asked that question for the fourth time.

"No, Demi, I'll stand here and keep watch." I answered again. I heard her making small noises while trying on the clothes that the man had handed. She came out with the jacket she liked the most. A dark green jacket, a black and white shirt underneath, and simple blue boyfriend jeans. She smiled brightly at me. I had never seen her in other clothes than that piece of ugly carpet and the mismatching harem pants before. I nodded impressed.

"That looks absolutely awesome on you." I confessed. She grinned shyly.

"Do you want to buy it?" I asked. She nodded with wide eyes.

After being there for half an hour we got out of the shop with 3 pants, 5 shirts, and 2 jackets. She smiled playfully when I handed her the bags.

"Where do you want to go now?" I said. Demi looked around and sighed. Didn't she like the shopping? I looked at my watch. 14:30. Oh, shit, that's it. We forgot to eat lunch.

"Do you maybe want to get some food?" I asked.

"Yeah." She said relieved as she noticed herself that she was actually hungry.

"I know a nice place we can eat." I said and took her with me.

"Do you have a background with Mister Sanders?" I asked while pricking my fork into the beef. We sat at a place my mom and I used to go all the time. A place where you can get simple salads and other dishes. Demi chose the same dish that I ordered, probably just because she was too scared to try something new. I still adored the fact that she felt so save with me and my choices.

"Not in particular.." Demi answered while thinking.

"You look so scared whenever we talk to him." I went on. Demi looked down and played with her cola.

"He uhm, he was the first person to ever take care of me after I was sent to the institution by the hospital." She said.

"He was a regular caregiver too?" I asked surprised. She nodded.

"Are you scared because he gives you old memories?"

"No. He was always very understanding to me. He was my first and favorite caregiver, until you came, of course. But, one day he got promotion somehow and he just.. left me. Just like that." She snapped her fingers. Oh boy, how was I going to explain to her that someone's job can be more important than only one of its patients?

"Do you resent him for that...?" I asked carefully. She looked down and disappointedly shrug her shoulders. Though, I understood her. She was only nine years old and trusted him deeply. He left without warning.

"Demi, sometimes you have to leave people behind to climb up the society. Even people who trust you, who think you will never leave them." I said. I thought I made my point until she suddenly widened her eyes and sat up.

"Would you leave me too if you get a promotion?" She asked frightened. Wow, I didn't know she was this scared of losing me.

"No! God, no." I laughed. "You're my patient, but also my girlfriend, remember?" She nodded and looked down again. She didn't believe me. I placed my hand over hers.

"I promised you that I would help you 'till the end. And now I promise I will stay with you until you don't need me anymore, one way or another." I said while looking directly into her eyes, meaning every word that escaped my mouth. She gave a slight truthful smile.

"Do you want me to stay tonight?" I asked while continuing my dish. She nodded while brightening up a little.

I helped her hanging up her brand new clothes in the wooden closet she now possessed. Our ride back went exactly the same as our ride getting there. I thought about the nervous girl replacing herself in her chair and looking back and forth while folding some clothes for her. It was a long day, I couldn't wait to just let her snuggle up to me and hear her snore slightly while slumbering to sleep. But for now, all I wanted was coffee. I rubbed my eyes.

"I think I'm gonna go get some coffee. Can I leave you for a sec?" I asked while placing the last clothes on the shelf. She bit her lip and nodded swiftly. She looked down somehow, it'll fade away probably.

"Do you want anything?" I asked before leaving her room. I wasn't allowed to give her coffee, but I didn't find that fair. She shook her head with a fake smile. Hm. I walked out of the room and sauntered towards the staff room.

"Boo." I heard someone emotionlessly creeping me up from behind, causing me to jump. It was Kris, of course.

"You scared me." I grinned. She walked over to my side and leaned against a vending machine.

"How are the lovebirds doing?" She joked. I grinned again.

"We're good. Well, I'm good." I answered hesitatingly. She looked quizzically at me.

"She was the happiest kid on earth today, yet right now, she's feeling kind of down." I added.

"Just ask her how she is?" She said. Well, then you'd try to put the genie back in the bottle. If I can't correctly answer that question from her, how would she respond if I would ask her the same?

"Maybe now that she has been outside again, she misses the rest of the world." I guessed.

"You could try to get her out you know, I think she can live on her own now."

"Could I just ask to let her out?" I looked at Kris while taking a sip of my coffee.

"Well, you need to ask the person who's responsible for her at the moment. I'll search through her documents to find out who that is." She said. I nodded and thanked her.

"Demi, I brought you a glass of water, you seemed kinda-" I stiffened as the glass slipped through my fingers and shattered on the ground. What I saw at that moment was unbearable. Blood. Lots of blood. The color filled my view. I slowly stepped forward and increased speed as it seemed like she lay miles away from me. She leaned with her back against the side of her bed while letting the blood drip out of her flesh. I crouched down in front of her. She was conscious, yet so pale. The glassy look in her eyes made my stomach twist upside down. She barely noticed me.

"Demi! What did you do? WHY did you?" I desperately asked questions of which I knew she wouldn't answer them and of which I already knew the answers of. She hurt herself to stop living in her memories and hallucinations. Yet the cuts were deeper and bigger than ever. How bad was her breakdown? I grabbed her jaws to demand any respond from her.

"Hey, hey look at me. Stay with me okay?" I said while my eyes filled up with tears. She briefly raised an eyebrow as her breath accelerated and became uneven. I hesitated, but then quickly pressed the green button of the box on my belt. She was in actual medical danger this time. I saw how the buzzer went off above the door. I pressed my thumb on the vein above the cuts to stop her from bleeding so heavily while I heard running footsteps coming closer. People stormed inside.

"Give her space! Get me an ambulance!" I yelled panicked. The people surrounded Demi and some ran outside to settle help. Demi's sudden eye movements increased as she blinked several times. I grabbed her jaws again to let her look into my eyes. She helplessly opened her mouth to speak.

"I'm.. sorry.." She whispered. The words hit me like a ton of bricks. It sounded like she knew she was about to die. People who are about to die always grow up to elderly wisdom in a split second. My panic shot to my head and tears started streaming down my cheeks.

"Don't go anywhere. Just stay here. I'm here for you, don't.. don't go." I said. I heard the sirens screaming outside, more people ran out of the room to make space for the stretcher. This couldn't be happening. She was dying.. A woman pulled me away from Demi as the paramedic crouched in front of her to check how she was doing. I looked around in a flash to see that the woman was Grace. The paramedic shone on Demi's pupils with a small flashlight and then took her onto the stretcher. I ran after the ambulance service until they took her into the van.

"You can't go with us, I'm sorry." The senior paramedic said while placing a hand on my chest to stop me.

"NO! I HAVE to go with her! I Love her! She needs me! She'll DIE!" I yelled at him. He disapprovingly shook his head and quickly stepped into the van.

"She'll be hospitalized in the Hardwoods Hospital, 3 miles away from here." He said before closing the door. I burst out crying when they drove the ambulance away on full speed. Grace turned me around to let me cry on her shoulder. I was devastated. I heard the screams of the sirens fading away into the distance. Her words repeated itself in my mind. 'I'm.. sorry..'

Chapter Text

The devil has an evil plan for me; to relive the fourteen years. Those fourteen years of suffering; agonizing pain and hurt. It will happen exactly as those fourteen years ago. I will have to wait fourteen years until I will meet Selena until I will feel the love had been waiting for. Yet now I have to wait again. I am nine years old again and I haven't grown a single bit. I wake up to a dazzling light. I can feel the weakness; the narcosis traveling through my body like poison. The devil will take care of the wounds, he will take care of my wounds now that I am dazed off. I'm sedated because they are too scared of me without it. They have to numb me, me and not the pain I'm currently in. I'm waiting for them to return and to renew the bag of blood that hangs on some sort of pole. A small red tube attached to it, leading to the inside of my elbow where it enters my pale skin. Pure poison. My lungs fill themselves with the air that I have already inhaled once. I am back in the past, back in my own suffering, where my mom and dad died this afternoon and my house went up in flames. The burns on my back renewed. I'll be screaming once the cold water would touch the wounds when I'd take a shower. And they will, once again, call me crazy for screaming at them. Screaming at the pain I could not identify. They will send me back to my first hut at the facility, back to Mr. Sanders. Where he'd be waiting for me and where he'll leave me in pain. Where I'd have to hurt myself every day, a routine that will never stop until I'd make the decision to kill myself. To end all the suffering. Yet I don't have the guts to do so. Because I am too scared for death. I know daddy is waiting for me... Even beyond this life I will feel pain. Even in paradise I will feel it slowly suffocating me.

"She's awake. Her arm is sutured, but we had to numb her. Otherwise, she'd freak out." A nurse said. I quickly stood up after sitting there for an hour of constantly crying and almost plucking every hair out of my head. I walked with her, trying to remain calm. She was alive, she survived. We could go back to the institute again.

"Talk softly and act calmly around her. She's weak from the blood loss and narcosis." The nurse warned. I walked inside to find the person I loved, tied up in a hospital bed. She looked horrible, but she was alive. I walked over to her and kneeled down next to her. Her facial expression was intriguing.

"Hi, honey." I smiled through my tears. She raised her eyebrows and then frowned.

"What are you doing here?" She asked with a weak voice. What did she mean? Didn't she think I'd come to visit her immediately?

"I'm.. I'm here for you, you'll be fine. You can go home again." I said while taking her hand, yet she pulled away. Did she see things that weren't real again? Did she think I was her father?

"You're not supposed to be here yet." She said.

"Yet?"

"I don't understand." She added. Me neither.

"What don't you understand?"

"W-what happened."

"You received allot of blood loss after you cut your arms open. But it's okay, you're okay now." I said while attempting to grab her hand again.

"I.." She started. "I have no burns on my back?" Did she think she had? Did she think she was back in the past? I shook my head. She looked at the ceiling and then down at her tied up arms. To my surprise, she lifted up. She lifted her back to sit up. She looked proud for the slightest moment, proud that she survived. Like a queen regaining her throne.

"Can you please unbind me?" She said with a pained voice. I understood, it was hard for her to be trapped again. She was finally free, and now they tied her up again. I untied the belts and stood up. She placed her feet on the ground and looked down to concentrate on standing up.

"Do you need any help?"

"No." She answered swiftly. She straightened her back and looked at the clock.

"I wanna go home." She said and gasped; " I mean.." I nodded. She meant her room in the psychiatric hospital. I knew people usually weren't allowed to, but Demi has been hospitalized many times before when she damaged herself too much. She knew how it went, yet she looked so shocked. She quickly took her clothes that rested on the chair, the clothes we bought this midday. She quickly changed, yet she stopped before pulling her shirt over her head when she noticed the mirror in the corner of the room. She turned her back to it. Her pink-red burn scars were still there, I had almost forgotten about them. She touched several parts of them with her fingertips.

"Do they hurt?" I asked. Stupid question, but it looked like it.

"No.." She said shocked as though she expected them to. She quickly put on her shirt and looked away from the mirror. She faced me with her tensed shoulders and sudden eye movements. I hadn't seen her so stressed in days. It reminded me of the time she used to scream at me whenever she needed to turn her remarkable chair around. That chair was gone, and so was her stress, I thought. Turns out I was mistaken.

"I'm ready." Her voice was broken. She wasn't okay at all.

"How do you feel?" I asked.

"I don't know." She answered with a low voice and a lump in her throat. Did she still trust me like she did a few hours ago? What if she stopped loving me like this morning? I stepped in front of her to wipe her tears away. She suddenly grabbed me tight and hugged me to cry inaudibly.

"I don't know." She repeats in tears. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her temple.

"That's okay. Come, we're going to sign out."

"Are your new pajama's comfortable?" I ask while pulling off my shoes on the other side of her new bed. Demi nodded and lied down. I smiled and rested my back next to her.

"I'm tired." She stated. I smirked and closed my eyes. She had taken her medicines already, it made sense. I let her rest her head on my arm so that she could snuggle up to me.

"I love you." I said. She placed her head closer to mine.

"I love you too." She said. "I'm sorry that I acted so.. so.." She didn't finish her sentence.

"No, no don't be sorry. I understand completely." We looked at each other. She actually loved me like I loved her. I still couldn't believe it. She lifted her hands to feel my face with her fingertips. Her thumb caressed over my lower lip. She wanted to kiss me, yet she hesitated. She was scared to see the wrong things again. I let her take as much time as she needed. She came closer to as her tender lips touched mine. We both closed our eyes at the same time. A warm feeling bloomed inside me, and I was sure the same happened with the girl in front of me. We became one, nevertheless how stupid that sounds. It was true. I didn't feel like I was a human being just kissing another girl. I felt like a bundle of joy and love, with her. We were love, together. The area around us disappeared. We were floating in a magic world I barely understood. But I wasn't scared for I know the magic world was hers. She knew every single branch and path and we would both stay there for as long as we wanted. I saw her eyebrows knitting together after opening my eyes for a split second. I was afraid that she would pull away again, that her memories would take over her sight. She was scared, and that feeling transported to me as if we were positive and negative energy getting attracted to each other. I didn't want to stop this, and I knew she didn't want to either. I was not letting her disorder get in the way again. I grabbed her hands and let them place on my face, to let her reassure that it was me who she was kissing. Her hands trembled, yet they relaxed after a while. She could feel that it was me. Even though she thought I didn't exist in her life yet, after waking up this evening. She thought she was nine again. She actually thought she had to redo all of those years in hell, but she didn't. And I was here to reassure that she didn't. I felt how her lips moved slower by the second. Oh yeah, she took her medicines. I softly pulled away and saw how Demi didn't open her eyes again. She attempted to pull her hands from my face, but her weariness made her fall asleep when her hand had reached my neck. I smiled.

"So. Her aunt is officially responsible for her?" I spoke to Kris with my phone stuck between my shoulder and cheek.

"Yeah, I found a document about her institutionalization. Her aunt tried to visit her every week, but it was no use. Demi just kept screaming at the aunt, she behaved like an actual monster to her." Kris explained on the other side of the line.

"What can I do now?" I ask.

"Well. You'll have to make contact with the aunt and ask for permission to let her move in your own house."

"And what if she doesn't want that?" I grab a bowl of oatmeal and place a spoon in it. I haven't been home alone for days. It was refreshing.

"Then you can start a lawsuit against her, but that would be very difficult because Demi would have to be the witness. It'll all depend on her."

"Okay. Thanks allot for helping me out. I'll talk to you later. Bye." I hung up the phone. I sat down on my couch, but before I could take one bite, the phone rang again. I sighed before picking up.

"Hello?"

"Hi dear, how have you been doing lately?" I heard my mother speak.

"Oh, hi mom." I said with a smile. Shit, I never actually told her about me having a relationship with Demi. I let her speak about unimportant stuff until she finally asked about me.

"Uhm, mom, I have a girlfriend." I said with an excited voice.

"Really!? Oh, congrats honey! Is she sweet? What is her name?" She cheered. I grin.

"Demi. And yes she is very very sweet. I'm actually her caregiver, and I helped her into the secondary department and-"

"Wait, hold on, she's one of you patients?" Oh no, that didn't sound well.

"Y-yes.." I stuttered.

"Selena, are you sure that's going to work out?" She asked.

"We, uh, we had our fights. But we trust each other more than anyone. She depends on me." I explain. I hear a 'hm' coming from the other line. She always did that whenever she didn't fully trust things.

"Anyways uh. I'm about to try to take her out and let her move in here. She's able to, I know that." I go on.

"Well, I think it will be good for her to get out of the place, but will it be good for her to move in with you as well? Does she have an old house?" She said. I had never even thought of that. Was she old enough to live with me in my house? Let alone that I had thought of the fact that her old house may still exist. Maybe it was good for her if I would let her visit it.

"Selena?"

"Yeah, sorry. I'll talk to you later. Thanks, mom, bye." I hang up the phone again. I grab my files and laptop to search up her old house. I found her old address in one of her first documents. I searched it up on the internet and immediately found a match, but it was a new article.

'11th January 2002 – In Wallburgstreet, a house went up in flames, that killed two adults and deeply injured a girl (aged 9). The firemen could help just in time, the house didn't get fully burned down. The girl, of who the adults must have been the parents, has been hospitalized, short after the case. She is severely wounded, yet out of danger. Many firemen are now researching how the house went up in flames, but nothing has been found yet. "We didn't find a source in the kitchen or any other likely places. There is a chance that the house might have been lit up. We didn't find any suspects, but it could always have been caused by one of the family members." Said one of the firemen. Neighbors explained that the family was in a critical condition, of which alcohol, drugs and possibly sexual abuse was involved. This condition and fire mentally damaged the nine-year-old girl. Unfortunately, the government had to make the decision to send her to a psychiatric hospital nearby.'

The place didn't burn down. I searched in the whole internet to find a phone number of the new occupant. Ha, I found it. I proudly took my phone again to call him.

"Hello?"

"Hi, this is Selena Gomez. Do you happen to live in Wallburgstreet?"

"Yes. What's up?" The man sounded young and accommodating, good.

"Do you know about the fire that located in your house 14 years ago, sir?"

"Yes, I'm aware of that."

"Good, you probably already knew that the girl who lived in your house was sent to a psychiatric hospital?"

"Oh jee, yes, she must be really old now." He said shocked.

"Well, yes, Demi is 23 years old now, yet still stuck in the same place. I was wondering if Demi and I could visit her old house again?"

"Uh, sure. When? And do I need to know any other information?"

"Well, only that she's highly shy and could get stressed because she sees her old house again. I was thinking as soon as possible. Maybe tomorrow?" I suggested.

"Tomorrow is fine by me. You can visit me at two o'clock."

"Yes, thank you very much. I will see you tomorrow. Bye." I hung up the phone for the third time. I sighed relieved. Demi was going to visit her old house, I wonder if she could even handle that. Though, I was not going to crawl back. She could learn allot from this visit.

Chapter Text

"Where are we going?" Demi asked while looking around. I helped her put her seatbelt on and started the car.

"You'll see." I said with a smile. I handed her a few CDs she might like. She thoroughly studied the covers and gave one back after a while. REM. Of course. I helped her placing the CD in the slide and pressed play. I rode slow until we got on the highway, I didn't even realize I increased speed until it gave Demi nerves. She looked back and forth and replaced herself on the chair, just like in the bus on our way to the city.

"Demi, relax." I told her. She sighed deeply and bit her lower lip.

"But, where are we going?" She asked again.

"It's a surprise, don't worry."

"Are we going to another interview again?" She asked. It surprised me she asked that whenever I told her we were about to do something exciting. Is that the only exciting thing she had done in fourteen years? Or did she specifically not like the interview and did she resent the person who told her it was going to be fun? She didn't even know if this trip was going to be fun. Even I didn't know.

"No, and that's the last question I'm answering about where we're heading to." I grinned. She squeaked when she tried to hold back another question. It made me laugh.

"Just trust me. It'll be fine." I assured. Yet I lied. I didn't know if it was fine at all if she was going to see her old house. The day totally depended on her. We drove back to another city as I headed off to her house. She looked out of the window as her jaw dropped.

"I know that playground.." She said as her eyes followed the place passing by. She looked back to her front as she hadn't closed her mouth yet. I drove into her street while my eyes pointed at her whenever I could, to make sure she remained calm. She looked up to the large trees and thoroughly viewed the houses passing by. I parked the car in front of the right house. It was large and beautiful. How could two alcoholics neglect their daughter in a house like this? I actually pictured an old apartment or something, but this was a big house made of wood. The walls were painted light blue and the windows were white. I quickly looked back at Demi, who had clenched her hands around whatever was in reach. I couldn't see her face, but her stammering breath told me she sobbed a little. She sat there stiffened, looking at the house she was born in – as the documents told. She made the best but also the worst memories here. I loosened her seatbelt, stepped out of the car and opened the door for her to step out. I had never seen her so tensed, ever. Her eyes were filled up with tears and she stood up with her shoulders tensed and her hands knitted together.

"Wh.." She started. She tried her very best to hold her tears back. I moved her forwards to close the door of the car. "Why d-did you take me here...?" She asked.

"Because I want you to learn what time did to the locations of your past." I answered. I placed my hand on her back and took her to the front door. The man I called yesterday opened the door after I ringed the doorbell.

"Hello there! You must be Selena, nice to meet you. My name is Tyler." He said while shaking my hand. I looked at Demi, a facial expression of compassion darted to him as he saw her tears and wounded face and arms. "And you must be Demi. Woah, I'm so glad to finally see you in real life. I've heard allot about you, you know?" He went on and stepped backward to tell us we should come inside. Demi stepped inside after me and frowned at the walls and paintings, probably realizing those were not there when she lived here. It seemed to calm her down somehow. We walked into the living room and Tyler asked us for drinks. Demi looked around, a tear finally slid down her cheek. Tyler handed us the drinks . We sat down on the couch.

"So, uh, how are you two?" He asked.

"Oh, I'm fine. How are you feeling, Demi?" We both looked at Demi. Yet she didn't respond for she was trapped in her thoughts. I placed my hand on her shoulder but got taken off guard when she quickly grabbed it.

"Shall I wait upstairs for a moment, so that she can process all of this?" Tyler asked in full understanding. I nodded and saw how he walked away.

"Are you alright?" I asked. She still held her hands pressed against mine, almost crushing her own shoulder. Her eyes pointed from wall to wall, until they fell on the fireplace and stopped there. Her breath accelerated within seconds as I could almost see the fire in her orbs.

"It'll be okay. Relax. You can now see that this place has moved on in time." Though I was not sure if she saw it. She looked like she saw a monster being created from the flames that only danced in her head. Because the fireplace didn't burn at all. Until she squeezed her eyes closed and placed her hand over her face. I could see tears streaming through the cracks of her fingers. She turned her head and wipe the hair from her face.

"I.. I know what happened to mom again." She said softly while sobbing. I could see a flashback from when she told me she didn't remember. I didn't dare to ask what, but she spoke anyway.

"Dad pushed her. She fell with her back, into the.. She.. got burned alive, right in f-front of me." She let go of my hand and let it join the other. She cried. So that's what caused the fire. Only now I realized... Her parents died here, right on the place. And heck, she believed that they were with her every day. She believed they were with her right now. I looked down while imagining them being right here. Her mother would hug her from behind, to tell her it will be alright. And her father.. I don't even know.

"Are they here?" I asked. She looked up at me with her pained face. She thought for a moment and then nodded.

"Where are they?" I went on. She pointed to her side, where I wasn't sitting. Her finger moved to the corner of the room and she anxiously looked at the face of her father. It was all in her head. Nothing she saw was real.

"I want to see my room." She stated. Not mentioning it wasn't her room anymore. We walked upstairs and found Tyler looking at his phone and jumping up when he noticed us.

"Hey! Is everything alright now?" He asked concerned. I nodded with a smile. Demi didn't look at him, all she did was facing to one of the doors. I pointed at the door with a questioning face and Tyler allowed us to look inside. I opened the door for her. She immediately stepped inside and looked around. The room was now filled with a computer and office supplies. Though the wallpaper contained a soft cute color, it must have belonged to Demi's family before Tyler moved in.

"I didn't have time to replace the wallpaper here, but I actually liked it." He explained when he noticed me looking at it. He walked back into the corridor to open all the doors. Demi's tore up eyes pointed at several places, imagining the bedroom furniture that used to stand at its place. She gulped and turned her back to it. I followed her into what was now Tyler's bedroom. She suddenly frowned. Not of confusion, but of pain. She turned around and wrapped her arms around my waist.

"What's wrong honey?" I asked gently.

"He.. hurt me here." She said. I widened my eyes. This was the place where her traumatizing memories started. Her father abused here in this very room. She had screamed here. She had cried here. I couldn't imagine how her dad would brutally take off the clothes of his daughter, who was less than nine years old. It's horrible. I heard a sob coming from behind my shoulder. Only now I noticed, she hugged me to provide her memories becoming real again. She hugged me because I was her base of reality. I was real, and whenever she was with me, she was sure that it was real what she saw. Her fingers were spread over my back with a tight grip, her lips pressed against my shoulder for I was still a few inches taller than her. She walked in here, but she knew she was about to feel this pain. Why did she walk in? Didn't she remember what terrible things had happened in this room?

"Why did you walk in, you knew how it would affect your emotions." I said. She was quiet for a moment, I didn't even hear a sob coming from her. I could feel her chest going up and down heavily against my chest. It comforted her. It comforted her to breathe against someone else's chest. I loved her. I loved her so much. I felt every bit of pain she had. I wanted to cry with her, but I knew it would freak her out if her base of reality would cry now.

"In this very room, I was born." She said softly. I closed my eyes. That sentence hurt me like a ton of bricks. She was born on the place where she, later on, got hurt the most. As if she was born in the pain. It made sense. Her father abused her since she was only a very small child. How precious and wondrous fair she must have been as a small child. She still was, but grown up. I kissed her temple. I could suddenly see Tyler smiling in the corner of the room. He raised his eyebrows at me. 'Gay?' I tensed my lips to a smile. 'More than gay. In love.' He tried to hold his laugh in, I understood. After all, he was probably nervous. How often does it happen that the previous occupant of your once burned house came from a psychiatric hospital to find emotional memories inside? I was forever thankful to him. I owe him something. Demi let go after minutes and finally turned around to face the sentimental room and dry her tears. She looked proud somehow, just like when she sat up in her hospital bed a few days ago. I grabbed her hand and took her back with me.

After a conversation with Tyler, lasting about an hour, we headed off back home. I looked at Demi through the mirror for a second, while I was driving the car. Out of depression, she insisted on sitting in the backseat on our way back. She had rested her head on her hand and just stared forward with her eyelids descended. She looked very tired. She hadn't said a word after waving goodbye to Tyler.

"When we get in your room, I have to contact with your aunt. She's apparently the one who's responsible for you at the moment. If she allows you, you can move in with me." I said with a smile. She raised her eyebrows for a moment and gave a small nod. She couldn't care less, but she needed to know.

"Do you want me to stay with you tonight?" I asked. She nodded two times now, yet she remained emotionless.

"You can sleep in the car if you want. Here, I'll decrease the air-conditioning, It makes allot of noise." I said while doing what I suggested. Again, no answer came from the back of my car. I softly put on the calmest music I had in reach. I knew she actually wanted to sleep, she just had a lot to think about. We still had another one and a half hour to go. After driving for a long time I definitely needed coffee. When I parked the car I could see that Demi had finally put her mind to rest. I carefully placed my bag next to her and got out of the car. I ran to the store to wake myself up.

"How's your day going?" A woman behind me asked suddenly as I sat on my chair to drink my coffee.

"Strange." I grinned. "Yours?"

"I just went to my son's funeral, so not that good." She said. Ouch, I felt sorry for her. The situation turned very awkward in less than a second.

"My deepest condolences, I'm sorry to hear that." I replied quickly.

"Oh, It's alright. It wasn't sudden, I was able to say goodbye. Lung cancer, you know how it goes." She nodded with me with a sour face. She went on typing stuff on her laptop. I looked outside while small drops of rain started to fall on the stone cold ground. A beautiful scenery, yet it made me so depressed. I peeked at my car, standing in the parking lot. I could still see a blurred black spot located in the backseat, she was still there, good. I finished my coffee and got up.

"It was nice meeting you, I wish you the best of luck." I said. She thanked me and I headed back to the car. My eyes were on the car and the realization slowly seeped into my head. The black smudge is gone. I see no hair, no resting head. I increase speed when I notice what was wrong. Was Demi gone? Where is she? I quickly looked around but didn't succeed to identify Demi in the face I saw. My heart starts to beat faster. "Demi!?" I yelled. I knew that wouldn't work.

She was a dream. She wasn't real. She was a bundle of my own problems I faced as a person. I hallucinated her. She was a nightmare. I learned how to embrace the problems and I brought them back home, now they died and vanished up in the air. She wasn't real, I imagined her. I told everyone about her, they must have found me crazy. Maybe I'm not a caregiver, maybe I'm one of the patients. I live in a world that doesn't exist. I'm crazy. I'm absolutely bunkers. She wasn't real. She was a dream. She was a nightmare.

"What's wrong?" I heard a voice talk behind my back. I turned around and totally got taken off guard for I see Demetria standing there herself.

She snuggled up to me and clenched her cold feet around my calf. It gave me goosebumps, but I didn't care. Her arm was wrapped around my stomach, under my breast if I might add. Her head was perfectly placed on my upper arm. She held me while closing her eyes. She was precious. I wanted to put her in a silver box and keep her in a closet of glass like an emerald.

"Selena..?" I heard a faint voice come from her mouth.

"Hm?" It was quiet for a long moment. For a moment, I thought she fell asleep.

"How..." She didn't finish her sentence. I saw in the corner of my eyes how her eyelashes fluttered and how her chest went up so she could release a big sigh. I knew exactly what she wanted to ask..

"How am I?" I whispered. She nodded softly. She didn't dare to ask it herself. It somehow hurt her so much whenever I didn't know how to answer it the way she wanted. I was sick of the fact that I kept disappointing her. It wasn't a trick question, it couldn't be. A sudden flashback hit my head. "I'm not. You are." She said. She said she isn't. What is she not? What am I? How am I? I am. I am how I am. A person is. But how is a person? How am I?

The idea made me gasp and widen my eyes. I am, and she thinks she's not, so she asked me how I am. 'How ARE you?'. 'How are you a person? How are you human? How do you cooperate within this society? How are you not scared of this world? How are you a person? How ARE you?'

"Demi, I think I understand you..." I said. Her body sat up rapidly and she looked at with her wide open brown eyes.

"Every person is right?" I began. She nodded severely but then looked down.

"W-well not me." Her voice trembled.

"Why do you think you're not?"

"I am frightened of everything... I'm not normal, not a normal human being." Her eyes filled up with tears. A sigh releases my throat. It's painful that she think she's not like everyone else. She let her body fall on her bed again and wiped her tears away.

"I am. I think and I speak. I listen and I see. I dream and I am awake. I move and I rest. I eat and I drink. I am happy and I am sad. I am angry and I am scared. I have a head, a heart, two hand, legs, arms, a back. I am loved. I have love. I love... I love you. That's how I am." I tried to explain. She lifted her head so she could look in my eyes. I could see her think. Everything I just told her describes me, but also her. She is, just as much as I am. She realized that now. She stared upon a certain point while her mouth was opened of focusing on her thoughts. She looked back at me.

"Thank you..." She whispered and placed her head back to the previous position. I knew she meant more with it than only explaining her biggest question she ever had. She also said thank you for giving her such an instructive day. For being there when she needed someone.

She said thank you for loving her.

Chapter Text

There was a perfect straight little line that separated the sky and the sea, and as the sun went down, it slowly swallowed the sun inch by inch, until the big hot globe disappeared completely. The sea was like a mirror on which the painted sky got reflected. The colors of every cloud and every inch of the atmosphere was affected by the sinking sun. As if it was about to be extinguished, the sun sank into the ocean. Waves seemed to crash against the shore, yet it only created a layer of calming foam. The sand was still warm from when the big fireball was hanging higher in the sky. Now, stars slowly appeared and the moon became brighter by the second. I heard nothing more than the screaming seagulls and the noise of the endless sea ending against the sand. I just sat there kneeled. I felt my body cooling down and the sand between my toes. My warm dress fell over my knees and legs and my arms were bared, kissed by the now vanishing sun and leaving a brown shade behind. My hair was puffy from the soft wind that kept greeting me. My fingers are braided into the sand, drawing small hills. I can see another drop of water falling into the skirt of my dress, looking like a crystal and then leaving a darker color behind. The sky was clear, there were no rainy clouds and no raindrop was able to reach the ground all day. Yet the drops kept falling onto my dress for I am crying on my own. My feelings are not to be discussed. There is no emotion that can describe how I feel. I feel the absence of people who would accept me. People are against something they don't understand, yet I have to feel the pain for it. I'd rather not call it suffering for I know you choose to suffer, it is a choice you make. Having pain is inevitable. I felt like I was going to be alone forever, having to face the heads of people turning against me all day. All for one label. Lesbian.

My finger presses the plain doorbell inside the dark parts of the city. I could hear dogs barking and cars beeping. It was crowded in here, yet there was no person to be seen. It smelled like the evaporating garbage sacks. Demi was at the psychiatric hospital, taking a nap in her bed. I had to be fast, she might miss me if I didn't come back in time. I ringed for the second time, hoping she was there. The dogs I heard were now audible on the other side of the door. Through the blurred glass, I can see an appearance opening up the door. A cloud of a nasty smell, containing smoke and perfume, flew in my face. I tried my very best not to couch or let my eyes fill with tears. A woman with wrinkles all over her face and thin blond hair stood in front of me. I reached my hand out and spoke.

"Good midday, miss. My name is Selena Gomez, I am Demi Lovato's girlf- caregiver. I presume you are Demi's aunt?" I said. She scanned me from head to toe and gave me a frown. She didn't give me a hand and so I withdrew mine again.

"Yes, I'm her aunt and surrogate. What do you need?" She said with a confused tone in her voice. Suddenly a small infant stood beside the woman and the woman started to say angry words to him. She then picked him up and held him while she went on talking. She was Spanish, I did not expect that.

"I have been Demi's caregiver for a while now and she made so much progress that she's able to move in with me." My voice became softer and softer while speaking. I almost forgot about the fact that this was the woman who tried to visit Demi now and then in the beginning. Demi had been screaming at her. Demi behaved like a monster around her. I hoped she would believe me.

"Move in with you? As in move into your house?" She sounded... concerned. Shit.

"Yes... Uhm, Demi and I have an actual relationship. We kind of fell in love with each other." I said with a fake smile. I could see the face of the woman getting angrier and angrier. She was against lesbians, I could tell already.

"Why the fuck did you turn her into a filthy lesbian?!" She said with a raised voice, cursing right beside the young little boy. I could feel the nerves crawling up and making me shake. Is she actually against us?

"Well.. uhm, it-it doesn't exactly work that way, but that's not the point. The point is that she can get out of the psy-psychiatric hospital and live a normal life again." I stutter.

"She's better off if she stays there, you're not taking her anywhere! Now get out of my property. Pinche joto." She yelled. She actually thought I was going to leave Demi disappointed like this? Lucky me, I was prepared.

"Oh.. well, I have court order, here. I had hoped I wouldn't be able to use it. The judge expects you soon." Maybe I was being a little harsh. She took the paper and pointed to the street with her perfectly manicured fingernail.

"Vete, joto!" I didn't understand a word she was saying. But her actions made it clear that I should leave. I was already happy that she took the paper. I politely tell her to have a nice day and rush to the bus station.

Demi's resting body was still sealed to her bed while I closed the door behind me. It was way too hot in her room, I could see drops of sweat crawling down her temple. I opened the curtains and window, causing the girl to come alive.

"Hi, honey, did you have a good nap?" I asked while sitting down on her bed. She sat up slowly. She looked adorable, as always. Her hair was poofy and so was her face. I made me smile.

"I visited your aunt.." I began. She looked at me with a frown, her lips were sealed.

"You know, the Spanish woman. I asked for permission. She didn't want it." I tried to explain.

"Permission for what?"
"If you can move in with me or not." Did she not know that?"

"I don't want you to speak to my aunt.." Her voice is soft suddenly. I know she has bad memories of her aunt, how Demi screamed at the aunt every time she visited.

"I won't, I promise. Only during the case." Which made me think. "You know you have to come to the case too, right?" She widened her eyes.

"Yeah, you have to be the witness. You have to convince the judge that you'll be safe and happy with me. Because you will be, right?" I asked to make sure she knew it would be fine for her to move in with me. She nodded, yet she looked tense. I gave her a quizzically look.

"I'm not good at talking to people.." She confessed. A breathy smirk left my mouth, followed by a nod. I grabbed her hand.

"We are going to make sure that you will be able to socialize with people." I came to a great idea. I grabbed a piece of paper and clicked my pen open. 'Demi's working list'. Demi's eyes followed every move I made, curious of what I was planning to do.

"We will make you ready to move out. We'll have to make sure you can read and write, which won't be hard for you right?" I said with a smile. She smiled back and nodded like a small child. 'Is able to read and write properly'

"We'll practice conversations. Uhm.. We can go to the city more often and.. you can sit at Luca's table more often, without me. And your goal should be less stuttering and talking with more confidence." I said while I kept making sure she agreed with it. 'Can maintain a normal conversation'.

"We're going to practice your speech for the judge. We'll make sure you say the right things and won't maybe break in tears or something." I kept writing the stuff down I said. 'Is able to make a good speech for the judge'.

"Checkmate!" She yelled proudly for the 5th time in a row. Believe it or not, I had just explained how the game works. This girl is a genius. I sit up and look at the move she did. She was right, checkmate.

"What? Demi, I can't beat you. This is impossible." I said while laughing. Suddenly we heard a knock on the door. Mister Sanders opens it.

"There is someone here who wants to visit Demi." He said. I could already see a presence behind the man. Who was that? I looked at Demi, who suddenly looked a little scared. No, more than a little scared, she looked terrified. Mister Sander finally steps aside and to my surprise, Demi's aunt was standing in the doorway. Oh no... She didn't smile, she just had her eyes stuck on Demi. I didn't know what to say. The aunt stepped into the room and placed her bag next to the door. Mister Sanders walked away with a few other visitors.

"I came to check how Demi's doing." She spoke. Her voice made Demi snap somehow. She got up quickly and stepped back, almost stumbling over things, as if she saw a monster in front of her. Her eyes filled with tears and she covers her face with both of her hands. It was too much to handle, I could see it in her reaction. I quickly get up and hug her to comfort her. She immediately buried her face in the space between my neck and my shoulder to prevent her eyes from making contact with her aunt's. Her aunt didn't seem to give a shit about it.

"I don't think you should be here." I simply stated, remaining calm. Her aunt crossed her arms.

"So, how do you expect that she'll be able to cooperate in this world if she's like this?" She steps closer, trying to make a proper conversation with me. Is she blind? Demi was having a hard time seeing her after this many years and it looked like she was totally ignoring her. Moans are coming from Demi, trying to keep it all cool. She sounded like she just saw someone dying. It terrified me.

"Thank you for coming, but I really think you shouldn't be here." Still, I tried to speak politely.

"If you want her to move in with you and if you want her to behave normal during the court, she'll at least have to be able to look me in the eye." She said. No respect, no fucking respect. Yet, she was somehow right about that. I placed my hand on the side of Demi's beautiful face, which made her look at me. Broken eyes begged me not to look at the woman. I gave her a nod, telling her she should at least try. She finally turned her head to the horrible aunt as their eyes met each other.

I understood Demi. This woman was radiating a certain arrogance, a certain pride. Her chin was lifted a little too far. She inhaled too much air. One eyebrow was raised too far. Her clothes had too much style. Everything about her was a little too much. She even placed her bag a little too close to the door, as if she wanted to leave as fast as possible. The signs were all there.

Demi started shaking and trembling. She felt intimidated. The look of the woman dug holes on her eyes. She suddenly unclenched herself from me and started screaming. She bent over and dug her fingers into her black hair. She screamed, just like a few years ago. I placed my hand on her arm and tried to calm her down. Everything seemed to silence down, although Demi was still screaming her lungs out. Everything went ten times slower. Demi was screaming yet I couldn't hear her. For a moment I felt blind and deaf. I couldn't do anything. I tried to tell her comforting words but no sound came out of my mouth. In a split second my eyes were stuck on her aunt, who at first looked surprised, almost scared. But then she closed her mouth, I could see in her face that decisions were made. She turned around and grabbed her bag that was placed beside the door at first. She left without saying a word. Time made sense again and I saw how Demi collapsed onto her knees. I was able to speak again, I could hear again. She cried. Her cry was devastating. Things went so well with her and suddenly it went wrong because of one very person.

But I wasn't giving up. Demi was still going to move in with me and we still were going to work on the list we made. She was going to take good care of her. In the end, I promised her that. I loved her, and she loved me. I was going to make her less scared of this world. She was going to be okay.

Chapter Text

"Alice made her way to the-.. rabbit.. hole, but the- rabbit was n-nowhere to be seen... Where did- the- rabbit go? Did he r-really fall all- the way- down the.. hole that never- seemed to e-end?" She read out loud while I was carefully brushing Demi's hair. I always adored her hair, it was beautiful.

"Alice could.. b-.. ba-re-ly see the.. bottom. She.. l-leaned a- little.. fur-ther. But her- her knee-" She spoke, pronouncing the k in knee. "Knee." I corrected. "Knee.. slipped aw-ay and just as she- feared, she fell all the way- down." She was really getting the hang of it, I was so proud of her. After the day Demi's aunt went to visit, she never came back and never made a phone call or sent a letter. It's been 2 weeks. It was as if she vanished from the earth. And Demi has been doing so great. People taught her that you can laugh about jokes and say things while being around them.

"Good! We'll quit from here." I finished her braid and placed the book on the shelf. She quickly got up and looked at the braid in the mirror with a smile. I saw the books that were on the same shelf in her old room. Only now I realized that she couldn't even read them back then.

"Demi, why did you have books in your old room if you couldn't even read?" I asked. She looked at the wounds on her face, they were almost gone. She hadn't hurt herself for quite a while. She tapped them carefully and noticed it didn't hurt anymore. She placed both of her hands on her cheeks. She hadn't felt pain on her cheeks and eyebrows for a long time, I could see it in her face expression. She sunk far away into her thoughts while looking at the wounds and ended up staring. I almost forgot that I asked her a question, but I somehow enjoyed it when I saw her being strayed in her thoughts.

"I'm going to get us a coke, I'll be right back." I smirked. She didn't even reply. I made sure she wasn't seeing things again before leaving. My phone rang as I walked to the staffroom and I picked it up quickly.
"An inmate is trying to reach you. If you want to speak with him, please press 1." I heard a monotone voice speaking. Many questions started coming up. Is this the wrong number? Is someone I know in jail? How? I pressed 1 anyways.

"Hello?" I asked before he or she could speak to make sure the inmate was calling the right person.

"Selena? It's your dad speaking.." I heard my dad talking with a guilty tone in his voice. What is dad doing in prison..!?

"Dad!?" I stood still immediately.

"I'm so sorry to scare you like this, honey. They caught me.." He didn't finish his sentence. Anger filled my eyes up with tears. I felt my heart speeding and my breath increasing. They caught him. I don't know what he did. All I knew is that he went into old habits again, habits that are forbidden for everyone. I started mumbling and stuttering, I didn't even know where I was going with my sentence.

"Calm down. I'm sorry, kiddo." He spoke with a frightened voice. I sighed deeply.

Long story short, he told me that he made contact again with dealers he once dealt with. He got caught when I wanted to take the train to a town nearby. He's in jail for 3 years. 3 fucking years. How could he have done this.

After crying as unnoticeable as I could I walked back to Demi. Like I told you, if I cry, her world would break. I inhaled deeply before I could move on. I dried my tears and stepped inside. I regretted doing that.

"LEAVE." I heard a raspy scream coming from the corner of the room. As soon as my eyes scanned for her I notice the color I didn't want to see. Red. Blood. Her gritted teeth showed me how much it hurt. The lines she was now making. The metal burying in her skin. A small gasp and a yell left her mouth as soon as a tear fell on one of the cuts. Before she could go further, even if it was a tenth of an inch, I snatched the screw out of her hand. A new bed means fresh screws to use. My thoughts were raising and panic started to wash over me. I kneeled down and scanned the cuts. She didn't hit any deadly veins, she didn't go too far, this time. She was still screaming at me.

"GET OUT. LEAVE ME ALONE. DON'T TOUCH ME!" She kicked me as I tried to hold her wrist still. I quickly got up and grabbed a kit. I pressed a cloth against her cuts. She still screamed, and I could barely hold her arm still.

"Demi, hold still!" I demanded, but she didn't even care enough to listen to me. I didn't know what her intentions were. All I wanted to do is help her, but she wanted me to leave her alone. She looked at me with desperate eyes, breathing heavily.

"He wants to kill me.." She said with a soft desperate voice. It scared me. I looked straight into her soul and she looked straight into mine. What she saw was all real to her. To her it was all real...

"It's okay. He's not here. I'm here." Her heavy breathing stopped. Thank God. I wrapped the bandage around her wrist, thick enough to let the bleeding stop. Her red eyes followed every move I made. I sighed deeply. So much stress all at once. I finished taking care of the wounds and sat down next to her. She stared forward, she was pained. I scanned her. Her left arm now had the bandage wrapped around, her right arms had big thick scars. Inches thick as if she used a meat cleaver. My eyes went up as I saw a part of her burn scars sticking out because she wore a white shirt. I did too, unintentionally. Her neck contained two streaks of faded blue-purple-ish bruises, made a few weeks ago. Her face.. full of scratches and scars and a set of beautiful yet traumatized eyes. There was no expression written on her face. She just stared forward. She knew I looked at her, but she didn't care. Within 10 minutes, it was all going wrong again. It went so fast. I could see her thinking the same.

I sighed and wrapped my arms around her, placing my head on her shoulder. She placed her hand on my arm. I kissed her shoulder.

"You're going to be okay. All people have their days were they just.." Another sigh left my lungs "You know, fall back to their old habits. We all have those days." I continued. She looked to the left, not at me, but towards my way. That was her way of letting me know she's listening, I admired that.

"How.. how did your father suddenly come back? I thought he was gone to you since we visited your old house." I asked. She shrugs her shoulders.

"He always comes back when I think he is finally gone for good." She said with a soft voice. I could hear in her voice that that also happened when he still lived. He left for days but always came back. She probably didn't want him to come back. She still didn't want him to come back.

"Do you think he's real when he's here to you?" I asked further.

"It just.. It can look so real sometimes. He can look so real and it just.. he just makes me panic." She tried to come up with the right words. Her eyes finally meet mine.

"Selena?"

"Yeah?"

"Why do you love me?" Her question was serious. She didn't know. She didn't know why people could possibly love her like I do. But I did know.

"Because you're you. You're Demi. You're beautiful and creative and.. I love to make you smile. Rather laugh. I love it when you blush and when you find progress. I love it when you find it fun to make progress. But even when you're sad.. or angry, or when you feel really down, even then I love you. I love to take care of you." The corner of her lips curl into a smile, showing that cute little dimple on her left cheek. A soft and warm smile. She leaned in to kiss me. Softly. Just for a short time. We danced with our lips for about six seconds, but it was already enough. It was just a small kiss to tell me she loved me too. It was already enough. I smiled too when she pulled away. I looked down. Was it okay if I told her about my problems? I was her caregiver.. but also her girlfriend.

"My dad just called me.." I began. She looked at me, slightly surprised that I was going to tell her something personal. "He's been caught, he's in prison now." I look back at her. I try my best not to cry, or even let my eyes fill with tears again.

"What did he do..?" She almost didn't dare to ask.

"Deal drugs.. He just tried to make money. Like I said, people proceed old habits sometimes." I bit my lower lip. "He's uh.. He's homeless, or well.. he was homeless." I said, trying to make it sound like the prison is his new home now. I don't know why. I just tried to find the benefits of everything at that moment. Anything to cheer me up.

"Your parents divorced?" She asked. I nodded with a confirming small smile, to say I was alright with that.

"I was 7, so it's okay. My mom kind of refuses contact with him, but I don't. I make as much contact as I can." I explain as I nod.

"Does your mom know you're hurt about the fact that he's in prison?" She asked. Odd question. I shook my head.

"You should.. She's your mother. You should just tell her that you feel down." She said. I thought. That was actually not a bad idea. Clever girl. I smiled.

"Thank you." I said. She was right. I should call my mother about it. I didn't think about calling my mother because she's normally negative about my father. But if I told her I felt bad about it, she would understand. It's funny that Demi immediately thought that I could still talk about how I feel, to my mom. She expected my mom to be nice enough for that, and I got reminded that she actually was. Speaking about my mom, it was my mom's birthday tomorrow. I took free from work for it. I forgot to tell Demi.

"Oh, by the way. I won't be here tomorrow, it's my mom's birthday." I said. She frowned.

"So, you're going to celebrate it with her?" She asked.

"Yeah, uh, my whole family is coming. It's a tradition. We eat my grandmother's meals and we give her presents and stuff." I explained. She suddenly started to glow a little.

"Ohhh that's so cool!" She exclaimed. I didn't know it would make her this happy.

"Maybe you can come with..? It could me a good practice for you." I asked. She started glowing even more. A bright smile with perfect teeth made me grin.

"Yes! Oh my gosh! That'd be so cool!" She yelled. I grin again.

"I'll call my mom to ask her if you can come and to talk about it all." I said while rotating my hand a few times to summarize the whole problem with my dad. She nodded.

"Oh my gosh, thank you!" She wrapped her arms around me, making me tumble down on her bed with her. We both laugh our asses off until we almost pee out pants. I love her so much.

Chapter Text

"Ah, Selena dear, welcome!" My mom embraced me with a smile. Demi stood behind me. Shoulders tensed and fidgeting with her fingers. I heard people chatting inside, we were a little late.

"Mommm I missed you so much!" I exclaimed. I was actually excited to see her again. I had called her yesterday, after the incident with Demi. I cried on the phone, and my mom stopped with everything she was busy with to talk with me. I love her. She cupped my face for a moment to reassure it was all going to be alright. I smiled back, telling her that I feel better since yesterday. Her eyes fall upon Demi.

"You must be Selena's beautiful girlfriend!" She said. I could see a small blush appearing on Demi's face. My mom reached her hand out to her and Demi shook it. Good girl. She nodded after a few seconds.

"Demi." She said with a soft voice.

"I knew that. Come in." My mom said with a smile. She spoke with a certain voice as if Demi was a small child. I hate it when she did that. We walked inside. My mom had placed some chairs next to the couches to make a circle. The people who sat in that circle all looked at us. Speechless by Demi's appearance, since she still has small scars on her face and bandages on different parts of her body. She stiffened, looking at every face staring at her.

"Hi everyone!" I yelled while locking my arms onto Demi's shoulders from behind. She almost lost balance which made her squeak out a cute little grin. People started looking at each other with a shocked face. I don't even know if they were shocked because of Demi or because of us being together. I saw how my grandpa looked at the people with disgust and quickly forced a smile on his face.

"Selena! How are you doing, honey?" My grandpa was the best. I quickly hopped to him and gave him a good hug. I quickly gestured that Demi should come sit next to me. She followed me and we sat down next to grandpa. He was old, but the nicest man in the world.

"I see you have chosen a lovely girl while working?" He said chuckling. I grinned and Demi smiled shyly. My grandpa has always accepted me for who I was. The moment I came out of the closet he just smiled at me. I remember that horrible moment as if it happened yesterday. Nobody responded in a positive way except for him.

"This is Demi. My patient slash beautiful girlfriend." I said proudly. Demi quickly reached out her hand to the grandpa. Instead, my grandpa placed a friendly kiss on both of her blushing cheeks. The moment he removed his head from Demi's I almost burst out laughing as I saw the expression on her face. She was totally in shock, but in this family, it was normal to kiss cheeks to greet each other. I guess she wasn't used to that. She looked at me, still shocked. I just smiled at her.

They had begun a conversation about something I don't even know of. The only thing I knew is that it had something to do with money. At first, I tried to follow them, and I smiled whenever Selena's grandpa made Selena laugh. But after a while, I stopped following them. It was no use. I looked at the other people in the room, they didn't even say hi to or anything. They chatted and laughed. I focused on the hands they used while speaking. Sometimes just holding it as if the other would give the person candy or something, other times pointing somewhere to talk about a place. They knew this place as if a map was printed in their brains. 'Oh, you mean that shop down the road?' 'No no, the one around the left corner' I saw another conversation happening that started looking somewhat like an argument. I wasn't a happy conversation. I couldn't look at them, the coffee table suddenly became a great interest to me. It was filled with snacks. Food I haven't eaten for 14 years. People sometimes reached their arm out to the snacks and ate it. Different cups and mugs were placed on it, all having colorful mats underneath. Except for mine. I looked around to find another cup mat, but there weren't any left. Oh. What if people would think I'm rebellious or something? I found myself fidgeting with my fingers and breath started to speed up. I heard too many people talking and I heard too many things going on. I looked at Selena to search for non-verbal help, but she was happy being busy with talking to with her grandpa. I didn't want to ruin that. She laughed once in a while. She was beautiful. I looked back at my fingers, trying to distract myself. Before I knew it, people came in with a big cake. Selena cheered with the people and tapped my knee. "Do you want cake?" I could do nothing but shrug my shoulders. Apparently, that meant a 'yes' to her. "Allow me." She smiled, taking the knife from the plates and cutting the cake in pieces. The knife was big.. and she held it in her hands with a big responsibility. She could cut herself. I heard it happening in my head. "Ouh!" She yelled and dropped the knife. Blood. It must have been in my head. It had to be. Fantasy and reality became the same for me again. Not now, not now! She seemed to laugh because of her stupidity. And she went on.. but she wasn't cutting the cake. She was cutting herself. Or me? Was she cutting me? I felt the pain. Blood. Was I cutting? Was I cutting her? Was I cutting myself? Blood! I couldn't bare it any longer. My hands reached to the sides of my head and my jaw bashed open letting out a deafening scream.

I cut the cake in pieces, laughing and concentrating at the same time. Until it happened, she screamed. People gasped of fright and some even dropped their coffee. I dropped the knife and looked at her. In a reflex, I kneeled down in front of her and buried her head in my neck.

"Shh sh sh, don't scream. It's okay." Is all I could say. Her screams turned into desperate moans of panic. I didn't care about the people staring at us. Demi still had her hands stuck on her head, covering her ears and squeezing her eyes shut. But she relaxed quicker than I thought. She panted wildly, I could feel her warm breath whiffing on my chest.

"I.. you were.. I'm-." she started. I cut her off quickly.

"Shh, do you want to go somewhere else for a moment?" I said with a quiet voice. She nodded quickly and I got up. I heard my mom, who stood there stiffened at first, finally react on the cups of coffee that had fallen. Demi followed me upstairs, to the guestroom. I sat down on the bed with her. She quickly dried her tears and avoided eye contact. She looked ashamed.

"What happened? What was wrong?" I asked. She looked down.

"I just.. y-you were cutting that cake and I just saw things happening that didn't happen." She stated.

"I'm sorry for triggering you..." Is all I could say. She shrugged her shoulders and shook her head softly.

"They hate me now." She said while looking at me.

"No, of course not. I think they will understand. They know that I work in a mental hospital, they must think what is right. They probably think one of my patients became my girlfriend because that's the most obvious, right?" I tried to explain. She frowned and nodded.

"If you could say anything to them right now, what would you say?" I asked.

"I'd.. I'd say that I'm sorry for spoiling the party for a moment. And for screaming."

"Then go tell them. I'll be right behind you." I got up and helped her up. She looked tensed again. Too tensed. I placed my hand on the sides of her arms. She looked at me with her traumatized eyes. It hurt me.

"I'm sorry f-for screaming.. and for spoiling the party." Demi stuttered while all the people in the room looked at her. My mom smiled.

"It's alright dear. Come join us, we have cake." More people started smiling. I guess my mom explained Demi's problems to the rest of the people. Good. Demi sighed of relief and sat down on her previous seat. I sat down next to her and handed her her cake. My mom loved to bake delicious cakes. Everyone adored them, so did I.

"Do you like it?" I asked her before she even took a bite. She stabbed her fork in it and tasted it. A warm smile appeared on her face.

"Oh, that's really good." She said surprised. It somehow made me extremely happy. I saw some face turn to us once in a while, but I thought that was okay. As long as Demi and my mom enjoyed the party, then I was happy.

"Selena?" Demi asked while sitting on her bed. I unfolded the bag of fries I ordered for Demi and me to eat. I placed it on the bed and sat down next to her.

"Yeah?" I started eating and pointed at the fries with raised eyebrows that she should eat too. She took one and put it in her mouth. She started eating one at a time. She looked at me.

"What do I have to do during the court?" She asked with her mouth full, sounding slightly insecure.

"Hmm.. I guess you have to sit on your own, next to the judge. The judge might ask you some questions and you need to answer them." I answered. Her eyes widened for a split second and she looked down.

"I'll mess it up." She said, sounding even less self-assured. I thought about it. She might indeed fuck it up. Maybe she could take an exception. There had to be a solution for that. We had to show the judge what I thought her. But that's it. I quickly got up and grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. I gave it to Demi as she gave me a quizzical look.

"What do you want to tell the judge?" I asked.

"That I want to move in with you." She stated.

"Okay.. and how would you tell the judge that? Pretend like I'm a judge. What would you tell me to convince me?" I said while sitting straight.

"I'd.. uh.." She sat up as well and cleared her throat, the corners of her lips curl. "Good morning misses judge." She began confidently, making me grin. "I am uh.. I am willing to move in with my dear beloved one.. and.. I have many reasons why it'd be better for me if I moved in with you, I mean, her." She corrected herself, forgetting that I played the judge instead of myself for a moment. It made me laugh. "First of all, Selena has almost brought me out of a big war in my head. I.. I cannot say that the war is completely over, but the war doesn't cause me to be so.. uh.. no, that's wrong." She shook her head. I quickly tapped on the piece of paper.

"Write it down as a letter." I said. She nodded.

"Turn around." She said while rotating her finger. I quickly replaced myself and faced with my back to her. She wiped my hair over my shoulder and starting writing against my back. I grinned. It tickled.

"You're lazy, your desk is a few feet away from you." I laugh.

"No, we're eating. Hold still, I can't write when you laugh." She said concentrated yet she couldn't help but let a grin fly out of her mouth.

"It tickles!" I exclaimed.

"You're the worst desk ever." She stated, making me laugh even more.

Chapter Text

"Stop crying!" "Shut up!" "Do you want the belt?" "Then shut up!" "If you slap me, I'll slap ten times harder!" "Fine!" "Take this!" He hit me. And before I knew, he had already ripped his belt from his jeans. He used it as a whip. He expected me to stop crying or screaming. He only made it worse. "SHUT UP!" "STOP SCREAMING!" "STOP CRYING!" "STOP!" "GODDAMNIT!" "YOU'RE A PAIN IN THE ASS" "SHUT UP!" "STOP SCREAMING!" "SHUT UP DEMI!" "DEMI!" "Demi!" "Demi?" "Demi are you okay? "Wake up Demi"

She finally opened her eyes wide and shot upright. Sounds of pure panic left her throat. It scared me. She looked around, fully disorientated. She felt around, searching for something to hold onto. She looked right into my eyes. Those same traumatized eyes I saw when I met her for the first time. Yet now they were filled with tears and they were widened. Again, it dug right into my soul. I placed my hands on the sides of her upper arms and she immediately held onto my arms. Like a cat placing his nails in a pillow. Tears started to form in her eyes. I saw them rolling down her cheek slowly. I wrapped my arms around her and tried to hug her, but she sat stiffened. The only sign of life was her sobbing breath.

"Demi?" I started. She sniffed and wiped her tears away, yet they kept coming. "Was it your father again?" I pulled away from her, since I knew she wasn't going to hug back. She looked at me. She nodded softly as if it was her fault. I got out of bed and grabbed a glass of water. Only now I noticed, after handing it to her, how much she shook. The surface of the water looked like a sea storm.

"Drink, Demi." She carefully took a sip from the water, luckily it seemed to calm her down. I looked at the clock, it was 3:30 AM. After a short while we both crawled underneath the blankets again. Demi's puffy eyes broke my heart.

"Can I do anything for you before you go back to sleep, honey?" I offered. She shrugged her shoulders. I stroke the hair behind her ear repeatedly. I hated to see her so sad. Still, all because of the past. When will it ever stop? I kissed her forehead. To my surprise she leaned in and kissed me. Her lips were still salty from her tears. It literally left a bad taste in my mouth. I pulled away.

"Let's just try to sleep again shall we?" I suggested. She nodded softly and cuddled up to me again.

"I love you." She said.

"I love you too."

I woke up the next morning, greeted by the sunlight sneaking through the pink curtains. I turned around to snuggle up to Demi, but once I noticed that there was no presence sleeping next to me I stood next to her bed in a split second.

"Demi?" I looked around, in the bathroom, she was nowhere to be seen. I quickly checked the time. It was only 7.30 AM. My purse was gone as well, including my wallet and my cell phone. Did she steal my money and run away? Did she get kidnapped and did the criminal take my purse with him? I rapidly ran out of the room. She wasn't in the cafeteria, nor in Tania's room. She was nowhere to be seen. I felt massive and immense panic blooming in my chest. She's gone. She's gone! I lost her. I ran back to her old hut, maybe she made up a – which would in the end be logical – reason to go back there. I ran to her hut and checked the window of the door, but the hut seemed to have been taken by someone new. I quickly ran back, but before I opened the door out of the primary department, I heard a classical song coming from the yoga room. I quickly ran to the door and peeked through the window.

*
And there she was... Alive and well, in trance by the beautiful piece of music playing loudly in the room. The Dying Swan by Tchaikovsky filled the room up with images and colors. Melodies and peace. And so you could see, for the girl was entranced by the sphere. She moved her arms and legs as if she was an actual ballerina. She managed to make it look amazing. Her face was without facial expression, yet it wasn't blank. Her eyes betrayed how deeply she was sunk in her own little world. Her own fantasy. Her face and the way her perfect body moved made me relax. I had seen the dance of The Dying Swan multiple times. And I knew, that she kneeled down just on the right moment, moved one leg to her back and lifted her arms like the wings of an actual swan. She nailed it, it looked amazing. I looked around and found my purse politely sitting on a chair near the audio input mixer, with my phone resting on top of it, plugged into the boxes. She stole my stuff to enter her little world, how adorable. I watched the small woman softly dancing for another few minutes until, unfortunately, I had to break the magic.

I softly opened the door and knocked on it while folding my arms together. Demi got scared to death and quickly stood in her all too familiar posture. Shoulders tensed. Fingers knitted together. Very few eye contact and unexpected eye movements. Her anxiety spoiled the magic that was floating in the room. She looked at me with her head descended. She looked.. guilty?

"I'm sorry..." she said with a soft voice, barely audible through the loud piece of music that seemed to be on repeat. She unplugged my phone. Gone was the beautiful music. Gone was the magic.

"It's alright. But, you could've asked." I said, deciding not to tell her I panicked while searching for her. She nodded guiltily and fidgeted with her fingers. Every facial expression she made somehow made me smile. A faint smile. A caring, loving smile. Maybe I was still drunk or entranced by her dance.

"You dance very beautifully." I said, stepping further into the room. A smile appeared on her beautiful face. Yet again, it wasn't enough for me.

"If I tried to dance like you I would look like a dwarf trying to reach something that is 11 feet high." I said with a smirk. She grinned, showing her straight white teeth. She looked at my middle and suddenly grabbed my hands, pulling them. She wanted me to dance with her.

"Uh.. no, Demi. Sorry.." I said. She pulled a little harder but I pulled my arms lose. Her smile disappeared. She didn't say anything but her face told me so many things. She quickly turned around and grabbed my purse. She gave it back to me, guiltily.

"I was worried about you." I said. I didn't want to tell her how much I panicked.

"I'm sorry.." She said with a very soft voice and looked down .

"Why didn't you just tell me you wanted to dance? You're allowed to. I even could've left you alone if that was necessary."

"Then.. then you would know."

"Is that a bad thing?

"Yes." She didn't make eye contact with me. She was staring at my necklace as she frowned. I sighed.

"Didn't you need to take a shower today?" I asked. She nodded.

Every time they are covered up with clothes, I forget the existence of the red and pink scars located on Demi's back. They scare me. She told me her shirt went up in flames when her house was on fire. I can't imagine the pain she must have felt.

"Did it hurt?" I asked. Demi looked over her shoulder after brushing the shampoo out of her hair.

"Of course it did." That sounded harsh somehow. Like the Demi I met for the first time. Nothing came from me other than a small 'hmm'. She turned around to face me.

"Have you ever imagined what hell is like?" She asked. I shook my head. Not really. Probably not like she had.

"Or slavery. Or being on the bottom of the sea. Or... being a few feet away from the sun. Have you ever imagined what it's like to be struck by lightning? To be bitten by a snake with an unbearable amount of poison?" She thought while talking, brainstorming to find the right description.

"No..."

"It was like someone put a blanket on me for a brief moment. But the blanket gave the pain of all those things I said together. The worst pain you can ever imagine. It felt like.. like someone was peeling off my skin while holding gloves covered in pure acid.." She stared into the distance while talking. I could almost feel the pain she was trying to describe. It hurt. I didn't know what to say, so I did nothing but just stare at her face. She looked at me and sighed of relieve. She wanted to tell someone how much it hurt for a long time. Did nobody ever ask her that?

Demi stepped out of the shower. I got up and faced her.

"Have I ever told you how incredibly, amazingly beautiful you are?" I said. Demi looked at me with her 'Demi'-eyes. Tired, traumatized, loving, caring, ignorant eyes that looked right into my soul. Shoulders tensed. Unexpected eye movements. Her head descended, oblique this time, pointed to her right shoulder. She held her hands under her armpits as if she tried to make herself as small as possible. The water dripped from her long black hair down her beautiful skin. A few freckles located around her nose and cheeks. Her lips, very red yet containing a blue-purple tone. Only now I noticed she was shaking. She was cold, and I was staring at her. She was waiting for me to stop observing her and to hand her the towel I was holding in my hands. I quickly gave it to her and she dried herself up as quickly as possible. It was cold today.

"I want to.. dedicate the reasons why I am willing to move in with Selena" I began reading the part she wrote already out loud. She lay in the grass. Demi read with me, as she had placed her head in the crook of my shoulder and neck. Her handwriting still looked childish and it was hard to read. There was a small spark in Demi's eyes. She was proud of her work. I kept on reading out loud.

"My name is Demetria Devonne Lovato and in my life, I haven't had much luck. I was born in 1992 as an only child. I grew up with an abuse father and an alcoholic mother. My mother loved me dearly, my father loved me in a way fathers shouldn't love their daughter. One day a tragedy happened in my house." I could see Demi's smile fainting and the handwriting became messier. She struggled to write this part.

"It killed both of my parents and I was sent to a home in the end. For fourteen years I've been locked up in a hut. People tied me up every night and pressed me to the ground whenever my memories took over my mind. They treated me with poor privacy and a lack of care and love. The years went by until I met Selena." The letter wasn't finished yet. I smiled as I folded the letter and let Demi snuggle up to me.

"It's not finished yet.." Demi said. I nodded.

"It's already really good. Will you write further tonight? The court is in a week" I said. She nodded this time. I pressed my lips against her temple. She looked around while lying clenched to me as a small child. She bit her nails and eventually stared at one of the trees. I watched her staring. I could lie in the grass with her all day.

Chapter Text

"Our witness, and in this case, the person who the case is about, maybe step forward and join this chair please." The judge said. I got up, holding the letter in my hand. All the faces turned to me. I couldn't look at all of them at once. It made me stressed out. One of the guards stepped towards me to guide me to the witness chair. He walked really fast. I sat down and saw Selena looking at me, so did my aunt. Her intimidating face made every hair on my arms erect. Goosebumps. I quickly looked back at Selena. She kept nodding at me. 'It's okay. You can do it' is what I could tell from her eyes. A man walked towards me with a book in his hand.

"Left hand on the book, please. Raise your right." I obeyed his order. "Will you solemnly swear that you will tell the truth, the whole and nothing but the truth so help you, God?" He asked with fancy words. I gave a quick look at Selena. She mouthed to me while nodding wildly 'I do'.
"I do." I said, hoping I said the right thing. He pointed at the chair for me to sit down.
"Thank you." The judge said and looked at her papers. I looked at the people who were all staring at me. They all had a small glimpse of compassion in their eyes. As if I was crazy. Perhaps they really think I'm crazy. Perhaps I am Crazy.
"State you name please." Her words made me jump.
"Demi Lovato." I answered, not expecting my voice to be so raspy and soft.
"Is that Demetria Devonne Lovato?"
"Yes." I answered again. The judge nodded at Selena's lawyer, and the lawyer stood up.
"My client says that Miss Lovato has prepared a letter for you, your honor. She adds that this is the best way for Demetria to tell you what she wants." I hated it to be called Demetria. Nobody ever called me that, unless my dad was mad at me.
"I have taken Demi's condition into account and thus will I allow it if she wants to read the letter to us." She wrote something down and looked at me. I was glad she allowed me to read the letter out loud. I suddenly saw a hand waving towards me. I looked up to find out Selena gestured that I needed to get up to read the letter out loud. We had practiced this so many time. It's like I was going to be in a play. I quickly got up and remembered what I needed to do. Thank the judge.
"Thank you, your honor." I stuttered. My voice trembled. I sighed deeply when I felt a lump grow in my throat. I looked at the dancing words, due to the paper that was trembling in my hands. We had practiced it so many times. There was no way back now.

"Your honor," I started. The air I breathed in hardly had a chance to leave my lungs again. I gulped to get rid of the lump, but it didn't work. I looked up. I wasn't supposed to look up, Selena said, it would only make me more nervous. I saw her sitting there, her hands folded together and pressed against her chest. She hoped that I would do well. She raised her eyebrows at me to tell me I had to start. I looked at the people sitting there. A few friends and family of Selena were here. My aunt's family was here too. I saw all of my cousins sitting there in a row. They never knew me. I was already in my hut when they were born. They must see me as 'that crazy girl mommy's responsible for'. I gulped once more. The lump wasn't going away. I wasn't allowed to cry. If I cried I would only tell the judge I wasn't capable of living on my own with Selena. Though, it still happened. Tears started to form in my eyes. I avoided eye contact with Selena. Boy, must she have been disappointed in me. A tear rolled down my cheek. Time seemed to go slower than ever. I saw how the judge started mumbling something in the guard's ear. I looked back at the crowd once more. My eyes widened. My head needed to be messing with me again. It wasn't my aunt who sat there, it was my father. I never noticed how much they looked alike. He looked at me with the same intimidating look as my aunt did. He was here, out to make me panic. I looked at the letter, it barely had a function anymore. I couldn't read. I wasn't focusing anymore. I placed the piece of paper on my chair to see if it would help. My father didn't disappear, the lump in my throat did. My eyes were locked on him, noticing I was towering above him because of the little platform I was standing. It was already enough. I knew to myself that I was ready to let this man go. I knew to myself that I was willing to leave this man and join the better life with Selena. I breathe in deeply.
"Your honor. " I started way clearer than before. Way louder. The judge turned her head back to me. I looked straight into my father's eyes.
"My name is Demetria Devonne Lovato. I was diagnosed with a severe case of post-traumatic stress disorder. I might have autism as well, but that hasn't been diagnosed yet. My mind can mess with me sometimes. It does.. allot. I want to be fully honest, even now my brain likes to trick me. I know for sure that the person standing in front of me is my aunt. Though, all I can see is my father. It's like there's a filter between my eyes and my brain and it has this big word; 'trauma' on it. I am tired. I am tired of looking through this filter. I am tired of seeing my parents while I know for sure that they've been dead for fourteen years. I often think of the day I was allowed to move into the secondary department of the home I'm currently living in. On that day I ran outside again for the first time. On that day I screamed of happiness again. On that day I even went to the city with Selena. But the thing I remember the most is that I had not looked through the filter for so long. Almost 12 hours. And only now I notice that the reason why I keep getting reminded of my traumatic back story is because I still live in the same very building I lived in, in the time I went through all of that. And the only reason I got out of that building and didn't look through the filter for 12 hours is because of Selena. I have always seen something in her, I always knew she would be able to help me. She made me feel like I am actually a person and not just a crazy monster. She made me feel like I was capable of doing everything a normal person can do. She made me feel like a normal person.. she made me 'be'.. And I love her. I love her so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I know that I am able to move in with her. I know for sure that she will always help me, and I know that she has been and will always be the person who treats me like nobody else has ever treated me before. Like a human being." My eyes were locked on Selena now. Her eyes contained a small layer of tears, tears of pure happiness, yet sadness, all at once.
I looked at the judge who was writing things down on her papers.
"Thank you very much for this useful addition to the case. Misses Lovato, do you have any question for Demetria?"
"No, your honor."
"Miss Gomez do you have any questions for Demetria?"
"No, your honor." Her face contained a warm faint smile. She knew, like me, that we did it.
"I have made my decision. I will officially abolish Misses Lovato's responsibility for Demetria. Demetria can move in with Selena, under a few conditions. Demetria needs to be schooled and graduate high school level within 13 years. She also needs to have applied for at least 3 jobs in two years after those 13 years of being schooled, preferably having a job already. Case dismissed."
Selena's family started yelling and clapping out of happiness. I quickly got off the platform and ran to Selena. She hugged me. We made it. We finally made it. I was finally allowed to move in with Selena. I was finally allowed to start a new, better life.

A kiss on my cheek woke me up. I breathed in deeply and turned my head to face my beautiful fiancée and soon to become my actual wife.
"Good morning." Demi smiled at me, brushing her hand through her beautiful messy hair. I smiled back. "Good morning honey." I sat up and only now I noticed the wooden Demi shoved onto my lap. Bacon, eggs and orange juice, all for two.
"Were you up so early?" I asked. She nodded and sat down next to me.
"Why did you make this for us?" She grinned. We never eat breakfast like that together, mostly because I went to work early and Demi always went to her teacher after that. But today it was finally weekend.
"Because I know you like it, and you brought me food all the time in my stupid old hut. You deserve a delicious breakfast. You deserve more than that actually" She thought out loud. I grinned. She took a sip from her drink as I took a bite of the bacon. My mom and I had taught Demi how to cook. And yet again we found a little talent, she is a natural talent when it comes to cooking.
"So how's school going?" I asked as I took another bite of the eggs. She shrugged her shoulders.
"I'm still getting A's for math. Still struggling a little with writing and reading is working out well." She answers as she carefully snuggles up to me.
"And with what part of writing are you struggling?"
"I'm really good at remembering what a letter or word looks like, it's just that my handwriting is still a mess."
"Have you ever seen mine? Mine is absolutely messy as fuck" I said. She grinned the grin I loved to hear the most.
"Messy as fuck" She repeated and grinned even more. In the last months, Demi underwent a special late form of puberty. It was actually adorable to watch her get in her rebellious state. It was hard not to play mother to her at such times. She was now experimenting small stuff. Such as cursing, which she found hilarious, and drinking a few sips of my wine. It's her way of developing and I love it. I'm actually very grateful of what she turned out to be. I can still remember the 23-year-old sitting in the corner of her room. Tensed shoulders, unexpected eye movements, fidgeting fingers, muscle spasms, and nightmares. They were all gone. And so she finally got treated like a normal human being by many others. My family and even a few friends she made at therapy.
Demi sat up and looked at me.
"How are you?" She asked.
"Uh.. how are you as in how AM I?" I ask, slightly hoping she wasn't asking me that burning question again.
"No. How are you as in how are you doing?" She said proudly, smiling faintly. I grinned.
"I'm good. I've never been better. And you?"
"I'm good too."

Chapter Text

Demi died in November 2081. She reached a beautiful age. 89 years. After her beautiful ceremony, I had decided to write this book. I can feel that I'm in my last months as well. I can't wait to see her again soon. I miss her, dearly. I miss her smile, I miss everything about her. I have seen how her happy face and soft hands turned wrinkly. So are mine, right now. Demi was the most amazing person anyone could ever wish for. She taught me great lessons, though she barely ever gave me intentional advice. Her mind became very wise in her last weeks. Not in a way of always saying wise things, but in a way of seeing a beautiful perspective of the world.

I want to thank you for reading the story of my beloved one. I wish all of you well. Goodbye.

From the happiest woman in the world,
Selena Gomez

PS; How are you?