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I didn’t even know what I was doing. I was still processing the giant wall in front of me, that I didn’t even notice I was already clipped in. Turning around to face my classmates, I have the biggest smile on my face.
“I’m scared of climbing!” I laugh out to my small group of friends, the instructor giving me a small chuckle.
“Why are you doing this then!?” My - rock climbing expert - friend, Cress called out, laughing along with me.
“I don’t know!” I didn’t. Why did he pick me out of the two actual good rock climbers beside me? Why did I raise my hand? I tried to look like I had this in the bag, putting my hands before me, clasping them together. Listening very attentively to the instructor, teaching the class how to belay. I kept glancing at Cress, who just gave me a big smile and a thumbs up. Positivity is how I cope, so I give her an even bigger smile back.
“You’re good to go up!” My thoughts were cut short as I see the instructor nod at me, my stomach had a massive pit in it. I hesitated turning towards the wall, looking it up and down.
One foot on the hold closest to the ground, both hands on a similar level grip. Push. I pull my leg up and adjust my hands to higher grips. Push. I wasn’t even thinking, just moving my hands and leg up, pushing, then repeating.
The instructor was focusing on me, at least that’s what I remember. Every single noise was blocked out of my head, the only thing I could hear was my heart throbbing. My fingers felt like I was dipping them into pure hot lava. The solid round holds were so slippery, I felt like I would just fall off the wall to my death. My legs tensed and shook with every lift. I would slam them down onto the holds, shaking even more when I lifted my other leg up. Then, stopping. I felt like I was incredibly high into the air, my brain was running with thoughts.
Stop moving.
You’re going to slip.
Your belayer isn’t paying attention.
As soon as you let go, your rope is going to snap.
You are going to fall.
You are going to fall.
You are going to fall.
You are going to fall.
“Safety check!” I holler. I didn’t even notice I was holding my breath that entire time. My legs were trembling with fear, my toes were in immense pain. My fingers dug into the grips, I felt like my grip was all wrong. I felt like before he was ready to let me down, I’d slip and he’d be too late to catch me.
I heard a bit of laughter from my right, where most of the annoying snobby boys were. They were laughing at me. I must’ve been only a few steps up, I bet I looked pathetic to everyone.
“Alright! So you can let go and lean back.” I froze, lifting a hand to grab the rope, I looked down at the instructor, hoping that was okay to do. He just gave me a blank face, so I decided to send it.
I let go of the hand holds and leaned back simultaneously, gripping onto the rope for dear life immediately after.
The instructor called Cress over to backup belay, she kept on giving me thumbs up when I looked at her. That reassured me to let go of the rope and shake my hands out, finally catching my breath.
Every time he lifted the black lever on the belay, my heart sank. He was just showing the class that they’d have to pull it to a certain angle to lower people, but when he would just graze the dead zone or even just lift it slightly, I felt an intense fear it would just drop me to the floor without him knowing it would do so. His 9 years of experience left my thoughts. I put my leg on a hold to stabilize myself from turning to my left, but it just showed how afraid I was. It was quivering to a point I could feel it.
It reminded me of how my body reacts before I throw up. Trembling in pure fear. Every noise didn’t exist to me, I was focusing on my leg and looking at the grigri, watching how he pulled it and-
I fell slowly, being finally let down. I let my legs be dragged along the wall, I didn’t feel like jumping down it, I just wanted to touch the stable ground again. My thighs were on fire, but at least I was finally reaching safety. I just let myself lay on the ground, which I love to do in my gym class.
As soon as my back touched the ground, I started laughing. Crying? Hyperventilating? All three. My other friend laughed at my defeated position and told me to get up. I was still laughing-crying-hyperventilating so I didn’t listen. I eventually got up and un-tied myself from my rope, joining my friends in their spot on the floor.
“How high did I go?” I ask Cress, whispering it to her.
“About halfway.” Much higher than I expected and I felt satisfied with that.
Much later, I walked around the giant tower in the middle of the gym watching others climb. That same group of snobby boys who were laughing at me earlier were whimpering and whining.
“He called you a pussy! You're gonna be one or are you gonna climb higher!?”
“Fuck you! Just let me down!” Laughter arose, laughing at the boy who previously made fun of me when I was helping a demonstration of how belaying works.
Deserved.