Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

since the day shin forgave saint, they had been inseparable again. it seemed like everything was the same. shin cradled the steady balance they had found after building all the broken shards of their hard relationship. saint had been a great friend, a good shoulder to lean on, an amazing listener, an even better companion. saint had tried to forget himself, and even though sometimes his eyes still clouded with guilt, he was doing better. shin knew. shin felt it. now every time shin laments cramps on his previously injured leg, saint doesn’t flinch anymore like he used to. he takes the time to collect himself then presses warm and careful hands right where shin feels the pain and he tries to sooth the ache. saint cooks for him every day. his favorite foods, desserts that will make him happy. saint brings him to buy ice cream, without hesitation or a second thought. saint one day ran all the rainy street to get the umbrella, just because shin had washed his hair that morning and he didn’t want him to get wet.
saint gives in and never gives up. sometimes he pays for everything without letting shin even formulate the thought of getting the money. justifying himself by saying that he works only for him, to buy shin things that he likes. saint when he comes home tired from his job, preserves in his storage enough energy to play a little bit with chinching before bed time. saint searches pretty dresses and colored sketchbooks for chinching, saying that he only buys them because he had always wanted to have a little sister. saint reinvented himself to be accepted by shin’s mother again. he says that he looks forward to every new lesson from her every day more. saint keeps on praying for shin first when they go to the temple to make merit. he says it will work better if it’s honest and felt, and “everything he feels for shin is the most honest thing he has ever felt”. his words, not shin’s. saint tries every day with more patience than the day before. saint gets all grumpy in the morning, when shin gets up before him and leaves his side of the bed cold. saint back-hugs shin, he says that people are wrong when they say that no one can hold the world with their bare hands, cause he can, he’s doing it. saint blushes when shin smiles. maybe he thinks shin has never noticed, but he did, of course he did. shin feels like he’s out of time, running on a long and fast paced street, waiting for him to crash. he has no idea that saint crashes first.

shin sat at the table with his friends when he hears a commotion. he turns around to see what was happening.
saint was running down the stairs, followed by two frantic eve and peeta. they looked panicked, trying to stop the tsunami that kept on walking towards shin.
when saint found him, he halted in front of him, looking not only tired, but rather insane. he took a deep breath and said with a deep and sure voice

“I like you shin. as more than a friend. I can’t sleep at night for it. I don’t want you to answer me. I know.“

“huh?”
shin asked with a pitched voice, shocked

“you don’t need to accept my affection, but I can’t go on anymore acting like I don’t wanna flirt with you every second of my life”

he had said right there in front of all class 2. saint was shin’s best friend. he never thought of denying him nothing, so that’s why he replied with the only thing he could think in that moment.

“you can”

saint widened his eyes and got a little bit closer
to see if he heard right.

“what?”

“you can. do it. it doesn’t matter”

saint shook his head, his face a mix of finding this discussion hilarious and crazy at the same time

“shin. do you understand what flirting means?”

“I do”

“but you don’t want me. will you be able to handle it?”

“100%, I will.”

there. it was done. shin at the time didn’t really know, what to expect.

Chapter Text

now that saint had confessed, shin supposes he should’ve known. saint had always been very clear in his veneration. he had once said to shin “yes, I’m crazy, because I love you”. who ever says something like that to a friend. he had once welcomed shin’s hatred by saying that shin should be careful at hating him, because his father always says that the more you hate someone, the more is likely you will end up with them. saint would always look at him when he got out of the shower. saint always focused on the mole of shin’s neck, thinking that shin wouldn’t realize. saint would always touch his waist when they were near. saint loved picking him up. saint always messaged him on cool days to wear a scarf, and on days where they couldn’t meet, to remember to eat. saint kisses shin’s shoulder when he thinks shin is asleep and shin knows cause he fakes falling asleep just to see if he would do it. saint likes to hold shin’s hand and sometimes he swings their hands together as they walk. one time he had asked all nervous if shin had ever kissed anyone. shin had replied yes, of course, he is nineteen. saint did the kind of face he always does when he eats something sour: all scrunched up and glossy eyed. then he had said something about having to work and he flew out of the room. shin hadn’t thought much about it, but now that he knows, everything clicks into pieces. when thiu challenges shin in the swimming pool, saint shows how much it makes him sad for just one second. if shin didn’t pay that much attention to saint, he wouldn’t have known. but he does, always.
anyway. now that everything has been said, it’s clearer. shin can see the bigger picture. but saint spits his heart out to him all the time, all the same. so it’s nothing new, really. now that he thinks about, shin had always been an uninterested person in the things every teenager cared about.
he loved football, his sister, saint.
there was it.
he had never been a fan of passion, he valued talent and effort more. that’s why when he was first put in front of the reality of saint’s passion for him, he was rather shocked.
the thing was that saint had always been the only person shin had never been able to say no to. he had tried once, when they met after three years. it didn’t work that well as you can see.
it was hard for shin to resist those puppy eyes. the voice saint would always make when he spoke to him. the difference in the movements: he was calmer. when he pleaded and begged: he was bolder. the way he grabbed him: he was touchier, holding shin’s wrist, engulfing it completely with those big hands of his. locking eyes with him, kneeling at times. shin couldn’t have said no not even if he tried.
he wanted to admit though that he was regretting it.
saint had started slow and deliberate. right the day after his confession. he had been silent in the classroom. now after lunch, shin was smoking with thiu, ken and first, when he first spoke. initially, saint was just staring.
shin was nervous, he was, adding to that, he hadn’t smoked in weeks, so that’s why he was sucking on the cigarette with more force that he should’ve.
he should’ve known saint would attack. he was like an animal hunting its pray: ravenous, starved, hungry.

“didnt know you could hollow your cheeks like that. it’s so sexy”

shin’s first reaction was to choke, literally coughing smoke for two long minutes.

“saint, are you nuts?”
he screamed with a husky voice. when he recovered from the shock, he said the only thing that could shut the laughing of his friends.
so he looked at saint under his lashes and added

“not only that. I can suck too”

the wheezing breath saint emitted was so inhumane that it shook shin to his core. then he stood up and walked away.
see? shin can handle it.

Chapter Text

shin couldn’t handle it.
he thought he could, but one day of saint flirting and one month of saint flirting are two completely different things.
first of all, saint had been all over him, when he spent the night at shin’s house.
he had said he wanted to wake up with shin’s mother pancakes, a bland excuse, so he slept there, in shin’s bed.
second of all, shin never expected for everything to feel so different, after the confession.
shin felt himself blush at least twenty times a day more, he felt lightheaded when saint would smile at him and he felt goosebumps every time saint would touch him.
what was going on, he didn’t have a clue.
third of all, saint had started to make comments everywhere, not even caring of the people around him.
like that morning when they were at the table, eating with chinching and shin’s mother. he had said

“your ruffled hair and your sleepy face makes me insane. I want to wake up by your side every day.“

there’s no need to say shin spat all the milk on the table and that his mother had laughed so hard she almost choked.
or that same day, at school, when they were in the canteen. saint had been eating his plate of rice too fast. his mouth was full of food and his cheeks looked so soft. shin never thought cute aggression could exist.
to distract himself from that, he had said

“saint, careful or you will choke”.
shin should never indulge saint. not even about his well-being. now he knows. because what he gets back is a

“I’d rather choke on something else”. needless to add that the giggling from all his classmates followed him all day. shin had never blushed that hard before in his life.

as if that wasn’t enough, saint had started to write him notes. leaving them under shin’s sheets, on the fridge, in his textbooks, on his desk or even in his wardrobe. they all said things so sweet shin doesn’t even know how to say them out loud. saint is bold, he writes them and signs them with his name. if shin had the courage to talk about them or even point it out, he would. but every time he tries to even think about a phrase that makes sense, he starts to sweat and there’s no way he can speak without stuttering.
when saint flirts, shin finds it easier (not easy of course). he gets heat given and replies back with heat.
while when shin finds notes like “you are breathtaking.” “you light up my world and every room you walk in” or the most recent “I like you so much it makes me feel sick inside” and the one shin will never ever forget “when you hug me, all the troubling thoughts fade away. you are my solace.” , he gets so shy, he stops functioning.
shin had been so stupid at thinking that this would be easy to stand. it never washes off. shin feels giddy all day, all night and he wasn’t ready for it.
every day that passes, he feels himself slip away more and more.

Chapter Text

shin had never been in love, so he really doesn’t know what it feels like. people say it’s a feeling. a warm one. it’s like growing wings. it’s like freedom. some say it’s painful. it shackles you. when he asks saint that night, he does it foolishly, without thinking. saint gives him a light smile, but in those eyes, there is all the pain he feels, shown crystal clear. it makes shin’s heart throb.

“do you think I am in love with you?”

shin flushed and shook his head, panicked

“I don’t, I was jus-“

“I am”
saint blocked him, making shin’s world turn on its axis

“you love me?”
shin asked shocked

saint looked at him in disbelief, but answers patiently
“yeah”

the silence that followed was steady and calm.

“I want to marry you”

“what?”

“that’s your answer. falling in love means wanting to do things you would never thought to do, ever. I want to marry you. I want a house by the football field. I want to come home and find you asleep on the couch. I want to cook for you for the rest of my life. I want my children to have your eyes, your beauty, your laugh, your forgiveness, your grace, your kindness, your stubbornness. want a life with you forever. doing the dishes and the laundry, setting the table, changing the bed together. I want to travel with you. want to make love to you. want to see you win every time. want the bad and the good. the negative and the positive. falling in love means that I can’t get enough of you. I won’t. never.”

when saint had finished, shin didn’t even realize he was crying.
saint looked worried

“did I say something wrong?”

shin shook his head

“no. you were perfect.”

saint that night hugged him to sleep. even though shin tried, he didn’t fall asleep. when saint sleeps, he becomes a furnace. saint’s fingers twitch on shin’s waist and saint’s breath is warm on shin’s neck.
shin’s muscles are a little bit sore. his insides feel all mushy. he repeated in his head saint’s words at least one hundred times. to the point of memorizing them.

I want to marry you. I want a house by the football field. I want to come home and find you asleep on the couch. I want to cook for you for the rest of my life. I want my children to have your eyes, your beauty, you laugh, your forgiveness, your grace, your kindness, your stubbornness. I want a life with you forever. doing the dishes and the laundry, setting the table, changing the bed together. I want to travel with you. want to make love to you. want you see you win every time. want the bad and the good. the negative and the positive.

shin smiles at the memory. saint had said those words with his usual accent. his eyes had never left shin’s face. they had been honest, so sincere, so open. shin feels himself crumble under the weight of that confession. when saint turns around and says shin’s name in his sleep, shin has an epiphany. saint looks so handsome like that. his eyes are closed, and his eyelashes look even longer and darker. there’s not even a frown on his face, not even a hint of discomfort. he looks at peace. and his mouth, god. shin wants. he yearns for. he longs. he needs.

Oh.
Oh.

he is in love with saint.

Chapter Text

in the morning, shin tries to act normal. when saint eventually wakes up, asking if he slept, he says the truth. saint holds him tight again and then gets up. he puts the covers around shin’s body, looking like a kicked puppy.

“why didn’t you wake me up?”

shin looks down, embarrassed

“I didn’t want to disturb you”

saint shakes his head and gets closer. he touches shin’s face with care.

“sleep, shin. it’s still early. next time, wake me up. I would’ve helped you“

shin then smiles, provoking

“what would you have done to help me sleep?”

shin had never been able at making saint speechless. but in that moment, saint after understanding the implication, looks absolutely shocked. his face is all flushed. even his neck is. he doesn’t recover from that, cause when he replies, his voice is husky and all rough

“I would have prepared you melatonin. oh my god shin, you are unbelievable. “

shin opened his mouth, completely flabbergasted

“you’re talking? Mr nasty”

saint laughs then. his laugh clear and sweet. in that moment, shin thought about a song. Lover, you should’ve come over, by Jeff Buckley.
When he sings: «all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter.»
he almost said it. almost. he should really get some sleep.
he was going insane.

all the days spent after, shin tries desperately to confess. he tries. he doesn’t succeed.
saint continues to show his affection, every day more. and that makes shin’s patience run out. shin is hanging by a thread, a thin thread. It snaps on a normal Monday, a day like the others.

shin is tired from school and from football practice, that’s why he slips up. that’s what he tells himself.
saint is sitting on the couch next to him, while shin is sprawled on the bed.

“it’s almost Christmas. what do you want as a gift?”

now shin should’ve just answered normally: “a new cup for coffee”, “a shirt”, “let it go saint, I don’t need gifts”. the thing was that he feels drowsy, thirsty as if he has run a marathon, his bones feel weak.

“you”

his head forms a whistle that’s stretches out as the silence that follows.

the what saint emits is raked and his voice is high pitched in a way it has never been.
shin suddenly realizes and the numbness of his almost nap is gone.
he tries to formulate a phrase but stutters and fails.

“what did you just say, shin?”

shin feels like he is on fire, burning up, feverish and warm.

“saint”
the only word shin can say.
saint focuses at the sound of his name, like a puppy when it’s just learning his name.

“tell me. “
shin shakes his head, then stabs at his heart, pulls blood and skin with teeth, and breathes out

“I love you, saint. I’m in love with you.”

the noise saint makes is all pain. he looks happy for a second, then his joy fades away as the tears begin to pour.

“how can you love me, mh? after what I’ve done to you? “

“saint, we talked about this so many times. you’re forgiven. I have for-“

“but I didn’t. I did not forgive myself. I won’t. “

“saint, please. what are you even saying?”

“I never asked if you felt the same, not because I knew you didn’t or did. I didn’t ask it because I don’t wanna know. you deserve better, shin. If I were able to let you go, I would’ve done it already. But I can’t. Even as a friend, I need you in my life. “

“you’re saying you will never want me as more? you won’t accept my confession? my love? my affection?”

“I’m afraid I can’t, shin. I’m sorry.”

“can I not change your mind?”

“no. no one can.”

then saint left. again. shin felt inconsolable. the sobs that squelched trough him were so strong and loud, he thought his heart was going to break.

Chapter Text

weeks go by. shin feels so hurt he doesn’t even notice or cares about other things. he eats when he’s forced to, sleeps when his mum holds his hand, goes to school, returns home, plays football, returns home. it’s something so mechanical he doesn’t understand the stares, the talking, the planning.
it all boils down to one afternoon. saint comes back to school, that day. he has taken weeks off, he has been absent, giving reasons to the teachers trough peeta. saying he has to work, he has to help his dad, things like that.
when shin sees him, saint has lost weight, he wears purple bruises under his eyes, he’s crouching, not standing to his full weight, and he doesn’t look at anyone, not even shin.
when shin and saint have to take books from the library, as requested from miss jan, shin thinks that’s unbelievable, really. what he wasn’t expecting, even though, he should’ve is that all of his classmates block the door.

“we will come back in a few hours, make up, it’s unbearable”
eve’s voice was clear and steady, then steps were heard, progressively more distant.
saint looked nauseous, as if he didn’t want to be there. shin shares the sentiment, but for all another reason.

“saint”
he doesn’t even look at him.

“look at me, please”
when saint looks at him after weeks, his world gets brighter.

“how are you doing?”

“normal, you?”

“normal? why are you lying to me, saint?”

“I don’t want to talk to you.”

“why?”

saint struggles and swallows on empty.
“you will make me give in. I can’t say no to you”

“why are you even doing this now? haven’t we suffered enough?”

“shin, I don’t think I’m good enough for you”

“make me be the one that decides that”

“shin, please, don’t”

“if something ever happened to you, I would run to you. if I can’t walk, I’d crawl back to you. when you give me puppy eyes, my stomach flips over itself, like when you slide down the rollercoaster. I’d get drunk on the sweetness of your laughter. when you cook for me, I feel warm inside. when you look at me, no one else exists expect you. if I had five minutes before dying and a call, you would be my first and my only one. if the world was ending, I’d search for you. I’d hug you when I’m turning to dust. I’d scream for a god I don’t believe in to spare you. only you. when you touch me, I feel an hunger inside only you can satiate. I’d kiss the ground you walk on. if you were a god, I’d kneel at your sanctuary. if you were the devil, I’d do something terrible, just to meet you in hell. I want to marry you. want to see you cook for us. want my children to have your puppy eyes, your strength, your resilience, your courage, your temper, your heart. want you as a trophy after every win. want to make love to you. hand me your guilt, I’ll swallow it. you don’t need it. half a life with you is not enough. being your friend isn’t enough. loving you from far away isn’t enough. you don’t get to choose for me, what about what I want?”

saint didn’t even wait for shin to finish, he reaches for him in huge strides, holding him by his neck and kissing him senseless.
shin felt as if he hadn’t breathed in years. this was air, not what he has to breathe every day.

“you make me lose my mind”
then picks shin up with one hand, throws all the books down, empties the desk and leans him against it.

“in a good way?”
saint smiles at him cheekily
“in all the good ways”
he rips his and shin’s shirt off, moved by something that hasn’t yet to be named. saint looks drunk, reborn, put together. he feels hot against shin. his hands are shaking.
he can’t stop kissing shin as if his life depended on it. his mouth, his neck, his chest, his stomach. shin can’t find words. he is holding on for dear life on saint’s shoulders, scratching without meaning to. trying to find a balance. feeling so out of control.

“saint”

saint seems out of the trance suddenly when shin calls his name.

“what is it, baby?”
shin shooks his head and holds eye contact with him. the eyes he’s giving him are anything but innocent.

“I want you. “
saint swears so loudly shin thinks everyone walking by might have heard. then he takes shin’s pants and boxers so fast, shin almost gets whiplash.
taken by a slight impetus of bravery, shin puts his leg around saint’s shoulder, the other one around saint’s waist, holding him closer.
saint looks hypnotized by the movement, completely mesmerized, his eyes are hooded, they so expressively show the lust, the love, the need. and if it weren’t for them, shin would have understood nonetheless, because saint changes completely. if he looked hungry before, now he looks ravenous. he opens shin’s legs and touches with reverence, stroking him focused and steady.
the moan shin lets out is all so sweet and indecent, saint crouches to kiss him again.

“I wanted to buy roses for you, take you out on a date, dance with you, make love to you. wanted to sweep you off your feet. not have you here on a desk in our school. “
saint confesses, a little shy. shin feels so fond of him he might burst from it. he kisses him back gently. his movements uncoordinated, his gaze fogged with pleasure, he looks so lost in lust, even his words are said out of breath

“the- there will be other nights, where you can do that. fuck me now”
saint smirks at him,
“impatient, aren’t we?”
“saint”
saint shakes his head, his eyes shiny with mischief, then kneels and trails kisses from shin’s ankle, continues, stops at shin’s scar, gives more regard and gentleness, keeps his pace slow, reaching to kiss shin’s thigh. shin cradles saint’s head, reaches for his hair and brings his mouth were he wants it. the way saint goes willingly, almost frantic, shows that shin isn’t the only impatient one there.
saint bites and licks and devours, opens and stretches shin’s hole. standing up again only to get inside him and waits patiently. when shin wraps his legs around his waist, saint sees red. the only words that are heard is shin screaming for more, holding him closer, holding onto him. saint never leaves sight of shin and starts stroking him, when he sees the look in his eyes. the surrendering way he arches and bends to take more. until they are both coming, satisfied.
what they never actually realized was that the door was never locked, they had the chance of leaving, but didn’t. cause when you really love someone, you never get enough of them, shin and saint knows about it all too well.