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He felt an emptiness in his chest.
The first day after getting logged into respawn, his head was killing him. A piercing pain through his right eye, extending itself to the rest of his body. The doc had morbidly joked about how that's what a lobotomy felt like, but with every passing day Sniper was thinking that he had actually gotten lobotomized.
Something felt wrong, life was colder, it felt like he had something ripped out from within him. He went through all his belongings, trying to recall what each of them meant to him, and he got all of them right. His memories were not missing, so what was wrong with him?
Something felt wrong, life was colder, it felt like he had something ripped out from within him. He went through all his belongings, trying to recall what each of them meant to him, and he got all of them right. His memories were not missing, so what was wrong with him?
He wasn't a fan of going to the doctor, but inevitably had to take it up to Medic, who ran a few tests in him and told him everything was completely normal, that maybe he should try speaking to a psychiatrist or a trusted one. He didn't know how to feel about that one, his trusted ones were kilometers away from him, and he'd heard psychiatrists were for basket cases, and if there was something he'd tried to prove throught all his adult life, it was that he was Not Crazy.
He found himself growing quieter by the day, he was a man of few words, but he didn't even feel like saying hi to his coworkers, opting to shutting himself off from the world in his room. He slowly lost all enjoyment from the things he used to love, like hunting or camping. Nowadays his evenings were filled with music and his own thoughts.
He was getting better at his job, though, more strategic, maybe. He chalked it up to having extra time to meditate his next moves at night, laying on his bed. He'd become perceptive enough to catch the enemy Spy red handed enough times in one match that the frenchman had just stopped bothering him that day.
He'd picked up on a new hobby recently. He'd climb to the highest point on the base, perch himself with his rifle and some coffee, and just, watch through his scope. He felt like a creep the first few times, but the more he did it the more it felt like he filled up whatever hole was on his chest. He sometimes watched his own team, it was a quiet affair. But most times his scope was drawn over to the RED territory, the ruckus, explosions and screams being so loud they involuntarily called to him like a siren.
He watched people that looked exactly like his coworkers, but felt and acted so different from them that his brain could barely process them being the same people. He was mostly fixated on his counterpart, the RED Sniper. Living in a van outside the base, he watched as his clone retreated for the day, sometimes crawling up to his roof to watch the stars, and he felt a nasty envy crawl up to him.
It didn't even make sense, sleeping in the base was the smarter option, it was warmer during the cold desert nights, he had easy access to whatever he could need, and he didn't have to walk like an idiot every single morning to the battlefield, and still, the other Sniper chose to sleep in solitude, his only company being the nature that surrounded him. It didn't make any sense, and yet Sniper wished he was him, covered in a mantle of stars, enjoying coffee at two AM without even thinking that it would make his insomnia worse and arriving five minutes before battle the next day for the prior reasons.
Nothing about the other man made sense, and he missed when life felt that way.
One night, he removed his hat and his glasses and he poked his head out of his outpost, he stared at the stars and stayed like that for a bit, imagining he was the other guy. He closed his eyes and felt the breeze hit his skin, and just for a second, the ache in his bones dissapeared, making him feel whole again. But his eyes snapped open and he found himself staring at the ground, a few meters below him. He remembered he had to get up at six the next morning.
...he felt a bit silly at that moment.