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“Hey,” Arashi said quietly, smiling. “It’s been a while.”
In front of her was the cenotaph. She smoothed a hand over its surface, eyes fixated on that single name. “Ever since I graduated, it’s been harder to find a reason to come here. I’m sure you understand.”
She rarely had anything she actually wanted to say whenever she visited. She’d give updates on how her life was going, especially her career. Maybe she’d mentioned a new beauty product she’d finally gotten her hands on.
But mostly, she just thought to herself. Because dead people didn’t really listen.
She remembered a boy. She hadn’t taken much notice of him back then- just another face in the crowd. No one could compare to Akiomi, and she was too focused on her goals to look around her. Not to mention that most of her classmates were hardly worth a thought: Yumenosaki was a disappointing landscape back then.
It was an ordinary day. It was such a fleeting encounter, and yet it changed everything and nothing. The bell rang, she gathered her things to go, and he pulled up a chair in front of her desk and sat backwards in it to face her. Unremarkable, she had thought, but then he laughed and said, “This is really sudden, but I’ve been thinking this for a while now and I just had to tell you. I don’t care what anyone else says, Narukami, but you’re the most beautiful person in the world. Would you consider dating me?”
There was something about it. Being told she was the most beautiful person in the world. The most beautiful person in the world. The most beautiful person (not boy, not girl, just person) in the world. The most beautiful person in the world. Back then she hadn’t been sure what exactly she wanted to be, and somehow being told she was the most beautiful person in the world helped some things click into place. Not yet. Not fully- that would come later. But it was a start.
There was also something about the way he had laughed, like he was enjoying a joke only he knew, not exactly embarrassed but still aware that what he was doing was at least a little embarrassing. There was so much charm in that laugh.
She’d been shocked. Even if she hadn’t been shocked, there was someone else in her heart. Even if she hadn’t been shocked, she hadn’t taken notice of this boy until the moment he decided to confess to her in an empty classroom after the bell rang. So she- graciously, she thinks, but maybe it was a little stupid, the way she winked at him and gave him a pose before sauntering out- turned him down. But she told him she appreciated his words, and he laughed good-naturedly and introduced himself before asking if they could be friends.
She said she’d think about it, playing coy. He was cute enough. Charming enough. Maybe the fact that he was willing to risk it and confess in the first place was enough to tell her that maybe they would have been good friends.
They hadn’t even been classmates, she quickly learned. In the same year, yes, but his classroom was down the hall. It made her wonder when exactly she had caught his eye. She never got to ask him.
He’d barely been in her mind for those next few weeks. Judgement happened, and things began to feel wrong. She watched as Izumi lost what mattered to him but grit his teeth to keep the rest of them together. Word of the Eccentrics passed quickly, and she didn’t get involved. Knights had to keep their heads down. Knights needed time to recover. It was hard enough that Leo withdrew from school, and on top of that they needed to adjust to the new system.
They ran into each other in the hall sometimes. Neither of them had time to stop and chat, but for her, the small exchange of smiles and waves was enough. Sometimes, they could exchange a couple of words- meaningless words, not heavy with the changes the student council brought- and he was always quick to laugh. He made her laugh too. His laugh was bright.
Then she saw him less, and soon never again. She remembered plucking up the courage to go to his classroom and ask for him. She remembered being told he was dead. He’d jumped off the roof just the week before.
And she’d known about the suicides. The first one had been shocking, and it was quickly followed by more. The boy who’d called her the most beautiful person in the world was now one of many, and the roof became no-access.
She hadn’t even noticed. That was the worst part. She hadn’t thought to ask if something was wrong, because never once had it occurred to her that maybe something was. The short exchanges had been enough for her. She’d never get them again.
She vowed to never leave anyone alone. She wondered what would have happened if she noticed. If she had followed through on the consideration for them to really become friends. She hadn’t even known what unit he was in until after the fact.
(They were a group of childhood friends. He’d been the third of them to commit suicide, and the last remaining member had transferred out sobbing. Arashi wasn’t close with that last remaining member, but she’d learned all of their names, and they sat side-by-side when the cenotaph was first erected. They’d told her that they wouldn’t visit again, as they couldn’t stand being on school grounds, and preferred visiting their actual graves. Arashi admitted she’d probably never visit the grave since it felt wrong of her to when they really hadn’t known each other that well, and they said that he probably wouldn’t have minded, but to each their own. Their mourning was different. She hasn’t seen them in a long time, but she hoped they were doing okay out there.)
She wondered what would have happened if she had said yes. She thought she could have fallen in love with him. She would have gotten more time to talk to him, more time to see the mischief in his eyes, more time to hear his laugh. But she hadn’t known him that well, and never would. She hadn’t fallen in love with him, and couldn’t bring herself to.
He would forever be fifteen, and she would turn nineteen, then twenty, and so forth. He was dead, and she was alive.
She can only imagine that he’d like her the way she was now, just as much as he had liked her that way she was back then.