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Waking up at six in the morning to prepare breakfast is the first part of Kyungsoo’s everyday routine. After cooking her breakfast and preparing for two lunch boxes, she proceeded to take a shower. After putting on her uniform, she goes to get her bag and check if she already has everything she needs – notebooks, books, homeworks, projects and the likes – then she slips in her phone and earphones as she passes by the kitchen counter and picks up her fixed lunch boxes.
By quarter to eight, she’s set to walk towards her high school that will take around fifteen minutes. She will then receive a text message that says Jongin will be waiting by the usual place, by the mini park five minutes away from her house. He will wordlessly take the lunch boxes from her and they walk to school together. They enter the gate at the same time but Jongin returns the lunch boxes as he goes ahead to his locker.
Her first class starts at quarter past eight anyway so she still has plenty of time to visit her locker and keep the lunches she prepared and then get her stuff that she didn’t bring home. Since her first class is English, she emptied her bag except for her literature book and a notebook where her English notes were written. By the time that she closes her locker, Baekhyun greets her from the one just beside hers. They will chat for a bit before heading to their first class which they share.
The two girls will take their seats by the middle row and Baekhyun will talk about anything that she could think of while Kyungsoo will listen and chip in with her comments as needed. Their classroom will soon be filled by their classmates and Chanyeol will go and greet her girlfriend for a minute before he goes to his class by the next room. The first bell will ring and Kyungsoo will get her notebook and pen case to have them ready for the lecture while still listening to Baekhyun’s chatter.
The second bell will ring and then the seat just behind Kyungsoo will be filled by a certain Kim Jongin who will ruffle her hair in greeting instead of a more civil ‘good morning’. By now after five years of knowing Kyungsoo and Jongin, Baekhyun is already used to this and she doesn’t confront the male now by being rude and just settles for rolling her eyes and getting her own things ready. Kyungsoo will look back to stick her tongue out childishly at Kim Jongin who will snort or chuckle, depending on his mood.
For Kyungsoo’s second class, she will bid goodbye to Baekhyun who now has Physics with her boyfriend while she and Jongin will go together for their Elementary Calculus class. They will walk side by side and if Jongin feels like being playful, he will keep on poking Kyungsoo until he gets a reaction from her which is usually an annoyed grunt or a poke back. They will travel four classrooms down the hallway and settle on their usual seats at the back, as per Jongin’s preference. Kyungsoo will prepare her things while Jongin buries his head on his crossed arms on his desk and will probably fall asleep in the middle of the class, not that Mr. Lee minds.
Kyungsoo will wake Jongin and they will go to their third class in the gym. They will walk across the campus and Jongin will drop off Kyungsoo by her gym locker and makes his way to his own. The next time that they will see each other is after they change into their gym uniform and they will sit beside Sehun who shares this class with them. Jongin stays awake for the whole period and actually puts effort into every activity but then Kyungsoo is not really the athletic type so she huffs her complains to herself while Jongin will pat her back in sympathy as Sehun goes for her hair.
All three of them will have to meet Chanyeol and Baekhyun in the cafeteria for lunch. Sehun is always told to go ahead because Jongin and Kyungsoo will have to pass by Kyungsoo’s to get their lunch that Kyungsoo has prepared for them. By the time they reach their usual table, their other friends would have their own food and they talk while eating, mostly led by Baekhyun and it will be Jongin and Sehun bickering while Kyungsoo tries to avert her gaze from the couple who tends to send overly gooey eyes to each other.
Kyungsoo will finish her meal in peace and when the end of lunch bell rings, Jongin picks up their lunch boxes and helps her put them back into her locker. He will then bid her goodbye with another ruffling of her hair because he has his shift in thirty minutes. Kyungsoo will sometimes tease him that he is working way too early for his wife but he just shrugs and reminds her that he is still older than her by a year.
She will follow his back until he disappears as he rounds the corner and then she goes to her fourth class which is Physics. She will sit by Sehun and she takes notes diligently through her fifth class, which is History and sixth, which is her elective. She and Baekhyun both have club activities so they will head out to the music room and work with their clubmates.
By five in the afternoon, she will bid goodbye to Baekhyun who is fetched by Chanyeol if he doesn’t have basketball practice with Sehun. She checks her phone and there will be a message from Jongin saying that he will come over for help on his homework or he just wants to hang out. Sometimes, he will ask Kyungsoo to invite the others but most of the time, it’s just them. He says that he can’t stand the noise of having Baekhyun in a more confines space than a classroom.
Kyungsoo will put away her things as she arrives home and if she went to buy something from the grocery, she will arrange them to their proper shelves. She will then whip up something as snack for her and Jongin and waits for the male to arrive. Jongin lets himself in using his spare key and plops down on the sofa. Kyungsoo will scold him for acting like he owns the place but he will just find a way to ruffle her hair again. They will spend the next hours doing whatever it is that they planned to do and Jongin usually goes home around nine in the evening or as late as their projects could take them sometimes.
Then the routine repeats itself until the weekend where Jongin will randomly pop at any time and demand food from his bestfriend, if they are not out with their other friends.
Routine tends to get boring but for Kyungsoo, she’s happy and content with how her days are spent. She gets three phone calls from her parents every week checking up on her or telling her that her allowance is transferred into her account or asking her what she would want from the country they are visiting for business. She gets above average grades and her little group of friends is more than enough for her so why would she ask for anything more? She’s not really looking for a change because she sees no point with it. Kyungsoo simply goes with the flow and does her part.
But then, change is the only thing constant in this world.
She first noticed it when she noted that Jongin has bailed on her for three days straight already. She had no one to walk with every morning and no one to carry the extra weight she carries for the lunch boxes. But she could do it herself so she shrugs that off. Everything else stays the same but as the days of walking alone increases, the days of Jongin getting late slips increases as well. She has asked him what the matter was but he just shakes his head. She lets him be because he looks okay.
More time passes and Jongin hasn’t improved. He’s even skipping lunch with his lunch buddies and opts to eat somewhere else. What’s concerning though is that one day, he asks Kyungsoo to add more on his share. He didn’t tell any reason but he reassures his bestfriend that he is fine and he is not sick. He still has that happy look on his face so Kyungsoo lets him be and puts some of her own share to his. She could use a little diet.
And then she realizes that it has already been a while since she had a study buddy and hang out partner. Jongin doesn’t even tell her that his shift has ended and she almost never comes over anymore, even if they have some pair work to do. He will send an apology text or will meet her the next day and say sorry on person. He says that he has just been busy lately that he doesn’t have time to spare.
Kyungsoo nods understandingly and ignores the millionth prick that she felt from all of Jongin’s excuses and nonchalance. She feels lonely without him in her routine anymore and she feels a little lost.
Until Kyungsoo was able to build a new routine without her bestfriend in it.
Kyungsoo wakes up at six and then she remembers that she has another half an hour of extra sleep so she closes her eyes again and snoozes her alarm. She should adjust it later. She makes her breakfast and her lunch, this time, just for one person. She prepares for school and then she will text Sehun that she’ll meet him in the convenience store. They will walk together to school since Sehun offered to do it when she let it slip that she does that alone already. They will go to their lockers and the day proceeds as usual.
But that day is not a usual day because Baekhyun had been quiet since their first class and even Chanyeol. It’s already lunch and they are eating quietly. Such a drastic change for the talkative couple. Kyungsoo nudged Sehun who is now sitting beside her and asked if he knows why they are quiet. Sehun shook his head and picked up an eggroll – his second – from Kyungsoo’s food, earning him a punch on his arm.
“Kyungsoo, how’s Jongin lately?” Baekhyun asked out of the blue and Kyungsoo counted the 1,002,283rd prick on her heart at the mention of her estranged bestfriend.
“I don’t know, to be honest,” she clenched her fists below the table. “Your guess is just as good as mine.”
Baekhyun dropped the subject then and Kyungsoo was poked by Sehun on her cheek with his chopsticks before he shoved one of her eggrolls into her mouth. Kyungsoo falls back into her new routine.
Kyung, let’s go see a movie! I’ll pick you up by 3, Kyungsoo typed her reply and checked the time. She has an hour to prepare before Sehun arrives. She put away her cleaning materials and opted to take a comforting shower. She got out of her bathroom after almost half an hour and took her time to pick what she would wear. She scanned the hung clothes inside her closet and she spotted a certain grey hoodie that was stashed there because its owner tends to forget his things in her house.
She misses its owner so she took it off the hanger and put it on. At least she won’t get cold inside the cinema.
Sehun arrived a bit early but they left right away, intending to see the trailers played before the movie itself. Sehun asked about the hoodie and she just shrugged, telling him that it was just in her closet and it will keep her warm. Sehun told her that she could use him as space warmer. She snorted and playfully punched the taller who dodged her hit. They got on a bus and since there are no available seats that are for two people, Sehun let her sit into a free one and opted to stand beside her. Kyungsoo protested and told Sehun to take a seat somewhere else but the other refused and ruffled her hair.
She remembered a certain someone but was distracted when Sehun had to hold her shoulder for support when the bus suddenly stopped. Sehun apologized but he kept his hand on Kyungsoo. After twenty minutes, they alighted the bus and Sehun let Kyungsoo get down first then he followed behind, keeping a hand on the small of her back. It feels nice and it makes Kyungsoo feel secure because it’s the first time that she will go to the cinema without the others. The hand on her takes away her fear of getting lost and have to travel all the way home alone.
She’s always had Jongin to go home with her before.
He’s not there now.
Sehun lined up to purchase their tickets while Kyungsoo lined up to get them nachos and drinks since she knows that Sehun will buy too much if she lets him. They meet up by the entrance of the theater but something caught Sehun’s eye from behind them. Puzzled, Kyungsoo turned towards the direction where he is looking at. She just got the answer to Baekhyun’s question from the other day.
Jongin is there by the snack bar, laughing so carefree while conversing with a girl who Kyungsoo haven’t met before. He’s okay. He’s happy. He’s about to watch a movie, too, it seems. He’s with someone who he looks so comfortable with who is not one of his friends. Sehun tugged on her arm, telling her that they might miss the trailers so she relented, unable to do anything because she just felt the first punch to her gut, along with millions of tiny pricks in her heart.
“Sehun? Kyungie?” Kyungsoo froze as she heard someone call Sehun and her.
“Hey,” Sehun replied and she felt the hand on her back press harder. “So we watched the same movie.”
Jongin chuckled. “Seems like it.”
“Jongin, who are you with?” Sehun asked the question pounding inside her head that she can’t verbalize herself. She doesn’t want to look back because her bruise from the punch she felt earlier is throbbing uncomfortably. She just wants to go home.
“Ah, she’s Kyungri. Uhm, she’s my girlfriend.”
“What? You have a girlfriend and you didn’t tell us?” Sehun.
“Heh. I’m sorry. I just… I was just waiting for the perfect timing.” Jongin.
“Wow, man. I feel hurt. We’re you’re friends.” Sehun.
“I know. I’m sorry. Wait, didn’t Baek and Yeol tell you yet?” Jongin.
“I won’t be surprised if they did.”
“Huh. Well, now you know.”
“Soo, did you know about this? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Kyungsoo lifted her gaze and saw Sehun pouting. She willed herself to answer because he looks at her expectantly.
“No. I didn’t know,” she whispered. “Can we go now, Hun? I’m hungry.”
She was the one who pulled at Sehun’s hand to lead him out of the cinema and into the pizza parlor a few steps away. It was only when they are seated that she was finally able to breathe again. She must’ve just imagined that gaping feeling on her chest before.
Jongin sends her a text message that night.
For the first time, Kyungsoo doesn’t open it.
Jongin was waiting for her by the mini park.
For the first time, Kyungsoo flags a cab to get to school.
Jongin was awake during Elementary Calculus.
But Kyungsoo was already seated two rows ahead of him because the seat plan has changed.
Jongin was present in their lunch table.
But Kyungsoo is talking with Sehun about the movie that they saw the day before.
Jongin was waiting for Kyungsoo by her locker.
But she already has her binder for Physics so she heads straight to class.
Jongin was standing by her doorstep when she got home.
But Kyungsoo has invited her friends to eat out.
Kyungsoo has then devised another routine. This time, she avoids Jongin.
Graduation is looming but Kyungsoo and her friends are excited. They are about to go to college and they have decided to go to one university together. She tried to steer them away from that university but it’s a consensus among the other three so she’s minority. No matter though, she’s going to be with her friends their anyway. She and Baekhyun will take up performing arts while Sehun will take up management and Chanyeol will be taking up communications, just like his older sister.
Kyungsoo has long settled into her new routine and she’s surprised at how easy she has adapted, though she knows that the main reason is because she hardly sees Jongin anymore. It’s like he disappeared from her life. Everything led to that so there’s no surprise. She doesn’t hear anything from him and besides, Sehun has filled those dull spots in her routine.
“Are you two together?” Baekhyun asked one day with crossed arms over her chest. “You’re practically dating.”
Kyungsoo looked at Sehun. “Are we?”
“Do you want to?”
“Okay.”
The campus is big that’s why Kyungsoo is relaxed but at the same time, anxious. She’s relaxed because the chance of meeting Jongin there is slim and anxious because Sehun is all the way on the opposite side. She’s been glued to his side that Sehun always jokes that he’s Kyungsoo magnet. Maybe he is but with him, Kyungsoo finds peace and calm. She likes being with Sehun because he fills the hole that was punched through her. Not completely but he’s enough.
But apparently, it’s still not big enough because Kyungsoo saw a familiar broad back. She panicked because she needs to pass by where he is standing to get to Sehun’s building. They planned to eat lunch together. She can’t just leave Sehun so she just carefully gone on her way but she was still caught. A familiar hand wrapped on her arm to stop her. She looked into the owner of the hand and stepped away from him. Someone came closer to Jongin and seeing that it is a girl and she stood inside his private space, Kyungsoo needed no introduction.
“Kyungie…”
“Hon!” Kyungsoo’s attention snapped towards Sehun’s voice and her lips curved into the usual smile she offers him, made a bit more effort to keep it in place because she owes Sehun that. Or else, he will get worried and she feels bad whenever Sehun’s sad because of her. He ran to meet her and she was melting into the comforts of his arms around her. “Oh, Jongin. Hi,” Sehun greeted them but Kyungsoo remained where she is. She’s safe there.
“You and Kyungsoo?”
“Hmmm, yeah. We’re together for four months now.”
“Ohh.”
“Don’t give me that face, Jongin. You never told us about your girlfriend! We had to find out ourselves. Payback, right?”
“I…”
Sehun reached for Kyungsoo’s hand and entwined their fingers. “Sorry, man. We’re running late for lunch. See you.”
“Kyungie…”
Kyungsoo tugged at Sehun’s hand and they walked away with clasped hands and Kyungsoo’s hole throbbing around the edges, where Sehun doesn’t fill.
Jongin was bored with routine. Seeing and doing the same things everyday gets stagnant. It makes him sleepy. So when he had tasted what it was like to get out of routine, do things that he doesn’t usually do, he grabbed it. He never knew that he was missing out on too many things by staying in one routine. He learned to live the way other people his age lives and he liked it way better. It made him feel the adrenaline rush of doing something exciting where you can’t anticipate its ending.
He met Kyungri at work and she gave him an access to a fresh breath of life. He went with her to parties that kept him up until early morning, making him late to school. He went to meet her and her friends in the university that he was eyeing to go to but he was held back a year due to him losing his parents. They ate lunch together and he shared his with them but it became a hassle to bring along something when they seek out new places to try.
And then he parties again and then he sneaks out at lunch, goes to work and back to partying.
He didn’t notice that he already fell into a routine that he himself was trying to get out of. A routine that was worse than the routine he was in before.
He didn’t realize that he was losing too much by gaining short fun and rush. He thought he needed that. He thought he needed that to feel alive, to feel living.
He lost his grasp on his grades. He almost repeated another year in high school and this time, he had no valid excuse. And then he lost Kyungsoo and it felt like he lost everything.
He lost his walking buddy. He lost his seatmate/forever partner. He lost his lunch. He lost his movie and study buddy. He lost his textmate. He lost his nurse. He lost his second mom. He lost his bestfriend.
The day when they met at the cinema, that hit him how far he has drifted away from her. He didn’t even see her face, only that she was wearing the hoodie that he has been looking for a while already. She didn’t even take the same route to school anymore. She wasn’t even his seatmate at Calculus. She didn’t even see him at lunch. She didn’t even need to get her things from her locker after lunch. She didn’t even go home right after club.
He already lost sight of her and the disapproving looks that Baekhyun and Chanyeol give him made him stay away from their table. Was it so wrong for him to disturb the norm and find something new? Was it wrong that he thought of Kyungsoo’s inclination to comfort that’s why he left her out of it? Was it so wrong that he has to lose everything?
He thankfully graduated and was able to get into Kyungri’s university where he has also wanted to attend, being very vocal about it. He settled into his very own routine now because he has nothing to go back to. He tried to settle back into how his life was before but there was nothing to anchor himself there. Al least, Kyungri was there so everything was quite better. She’s a beautiful, wonderful and funny girl but she can’t understand Jongin some times and he can’t explain himself well because he didn’t find the need to before. Kyungsoo could know what he’s thinking and what he wants without him telling her. Kyungri doesn’t laugh at his stupid jokes and her friends would mock him about it. Kyungsoo was a nicer audience. Kyungri doesn’t like to watch animated movies but Kyungsoo likes them as much as Jongin’s.
Kyungri isn’t Kyungsoo.
Jongin has felt the brunt of his loss that one time that he was able to finally get hold of Kyungsoo. She didn’t look thrilled to see him and he saw her eyes flicker to Kyungri. He hasn’t formally introduced his girlfriend to his bestfriend and he wonders how that even happened. He tried to go back to where it all started when he was startled upon a rather loud call of endearment formed with Sehun’s voice.
He looked at his friend who bounded towards them and took Kyungsoo into his embrace. Jongin felt something shatter inside of him when he saw that Kyungsoo didn’t push him away. Instead, she held onto Sehun tight.
“You and Kyungsoo?” He asked even though it is rather obvious with the way they are together.
“Hmmm, yeah. We’re together for four months now.” Sehun is smiling and he’s happy. Who wouldn’t when he has Kyungsoo taking care of him that way?
“Ohh.” Jongin breathed. He’s just simply speechless
“Don’t give me that face, Jongin. You never told us about your girlfriend! We had to find out ourselves. Payback, right?”
“I…” Jongin didn’t realize that he was frowning until his friend pointed it out. It’s reasonable. Jongin could see how Sehun’s statement has a ring of truth in it.
Sehun reached for Kyungsoo’s hand and entwined their fingers. “Sorry, man. We’re running late for lunch. See you.” the couple turned away from him but Jongin can’t just let this chance slip away from him again.
“Kyungie…” he called but it seemed that he was already too late.
“Jongin, can I ask you something?”
Jongin turned to Kyungri and he shrugged. They were sitting under a tree by the open field. It has been their spot ever since Jongin was sneaking in to eat their lunch together. They’ve always shared Kyungsoo’s food there, back when she was still cooking for Jongin.
He flinched at another thought about his bestfriend that he abandoned. It was indeed too late when he realized that.
“What’s it?”
“The lady you were talking before… Kyungsoo? Was she your ex-girlfriend?”
Jongin was puzzled but the thud that his heart made inside his chest was firm. “No, why would you think that?”
Kyungri shrugged. “I remember her from the theater before. We met her with that Sehun guy too but she wasn’t looking at us. The way she treated us made me think that you break up with her because of me.”
“Then I remembered when we met two of your other friends before them, they were looking at me funny. Did you do something bad to her, Jongin? She looked like a good person to me,” Kyungri paused. “She looks shy though.”
Jongin doesn’t know what to say. He did something bad to her, alright. He even feels like shit at the moment. He has always thought that Kyungsoo will stay the way she is because she is all about routine. He expected Kyungsoo to be waking up every morning to cook breakfast and their packed lunch. He has expected her to still take the same route they take when they go to school. He has expected her to stay seated beside him when they have class and automatically choose him as her partner. He has expected Kyungsoo to always have lunch with Chanyeol, Baekhyun and Sehun in the cafeteria, eating her own homemade food. He has expected her to attend classes diligently until club. He has expected her to come home straight and be there when he needs a study buddy or someone to watch movies with.
That’s the Kyungsoo he knew for years and he expected to see her like that, just a few changes to adapt to college but she changed completely. She has been the only thing constant in Jongin’s life but now, not anymore.
It was all because he deviated from routine. Why did he even imprison Kyungsoo into the routine that he has hated himself? Why didn’t he think that Kyungsoo might want to entertain change as well? Why wasn’t he the one who showed her what was beyond the routine that she has religiously followed? Why is he not even part of her life anymore?
“…ngin. Jongin, did you hear me?” Kyungri shook his shoulder. “Who is she?”
“She’s Do Kyungsoo. She’s my bestfriend.”
Kyungri glared at him. “No wonder she’s mad at you! She’s your bestfriend yet I know nothing about her? I bet she doesn’t even know me!” she was fuming, offended. “Are you ashamed of me, Jongin? Why didn’t you tell her about me? Why didn’t you tell me about her?”
Jongin answered truthfully.
“I don’t know.”
He knew he had to apologize. He had figured out what he did wrong and even if it is too late, it’s better late than never. He needed to talk to Kyungsoo but he doesn’t know how now. Before, he could just send her a text, give her a ring, show up at her doorstep or just approach her and ruffle her hair. Now, she wouldn’t even be seen even if Jongin is consciously looking for her.
Jongin went to his next resort.
He sees Baekhyun and Chanyeol more often so he thinks that it will be easier to ask for help from them. He saw them walking hand in hand then he approached them with a smile.
“Hey, guys.”
It has always been the way that he greeted them and he would always get a smile from Chanyeol and a teasing or a hit from Baekhyun. He got none of those as they looked at him like he was some kind of a stranger. He was stumped, he doesn’t know what to do and he’s frustrated because he should be able to do something. This may be out of the routine, out of usual but he has gone out of his way to make things more spontaneous and exciting for his life. He should be prepared for the unexpected but he’s not.
Did all those things that he did were fruitless?
Did he lose everything for nothing?
“Jongin.” At least, Chanyeol acknowledged him even though he got a pinch from his girlfriend.
“What do you want?” Baekhyun hissed with hostility. It’s not hard to figure out that Kyungsoo is not the only one mad at him.
But Kyungsoo is more important than his hurt feelings from the cold treatment he got from the couple.
“I want to talk to Kyungsoo…”
“Oh, so now you want to talk to her?”
“… but I don’t know how. Can you help me?”
Chanyeol looked at Baekhyun who was shaking her head. “She will talk to you if she wants to, Jongin. There’s nothing we can do.”
“Please, Baekhyun. I need to talk to her as soon as possible.”
But the lady is adamant. “You get to taste your own medicine, Jongin. Do you know the reason why she doesn’t want to talk to you?”
“She’s mad,” he quipped. He’s not that stupid to not see that.
“She’s not mad, Jongin. Do you feel mad because she doesn’t want to talk to you?”
“No.”
“Then what do you feel?”
It was not hard to answer because his feelings had been pestering him lately. “I’m hurt and worried and anxious and I miss her.”
“Then she feels the same because you cut her out of your life without even saying anything,” Chanyeol was holding back his girlfriend but the dam was already broken. “One day you just ditched her for no reason. You stopped walking her to school. You stopped eating lunch with us. You even had the audacity to make her cook for you and then you will flee. You stopped being in her life Jongin and Kyungsoo didn’t know what happened, how it happened and why it happened.”
“You left her all alone, Jongin. You knew you were the only person who she keeps around because her parents are never home. She also wants you around because she is worried for you ever since your parents died. You have always been a part of her life that you were almost married and then you just disappear like that? You even had a girlfriend out of nowhere and another life to live that you left her in your old one. You could’ve told her to move on, at least. If it weren’t for Sehun, she might’ve crumbled from the loneliness and abandonment.”
“She has trusted you too much, Jongin. And you broke that so heartlessly – without even going back. So now that you miss her you remember her? Fuck you!”
For the first time since his parents died, Jongin cried. It felt like his chest is squeezed and he finds it difficult to breath. He feels like something heavy sat on his gut and over his head. He feels like he was stabbed a thousand times, healed and then stabbed again and again then the cycle repeats. His mind is now cleared from all of the glamor and promises that has blinded him before that is why he left home.
The home that he has been in since his parents died when he was a freshman in high school. The home that he runs to when he gets lonely. The home that takes care of him. The home called Do Kyungsoo.
But he’s lost. He doesn’t know how to get back. He let himself drift away mindlessly and selfishly and where did it lead him? All of the fancy and the glimmer of the life he had before has dulled. All was fun but ultimately, it didn’t bring him happiness. Kyungri may be there but she will never be able to know the real Jongin because she thinks that he is lame and a nerd and awkward. He has to wear a mask of being the cool kid who is willing to try everything and laugh at everything to get her drift. He went with the flow of things instead of containing himself and gaining his very own shape. He was easily pushed around instead of planting roots and getting resilient as he grows.
Jongin learns that what other people saying about you will never know what you have until you lose it.
Kyungri doesn’t like quiet. She doesn’t understand why Jongin would refuse to talk to her when he’s deep in thought. She doesn’t understand that he is fine even though he keeps to himself and just stays in once corner. She doesn’t understand that he wants to solve things on his own rather than telling and bothering her. She doesn’t understand that Jongin wants to be alone sometimes rather than always be together and meet her friends who became his as well. She doesn’t understand Jongin when he doesn’t use words to express himself.
It’s tiring. He’s tired of keeping up. He’s tired of repeating that he’s fine when she doesn’t believe him. He’s tired of explaining himself when he finds it very hard to. He’s tired of refusing her then giving in because she gets upset. He’s tired of being another person that he is not.
He broke up with Kyungri and even that didn’t end as quiet as he wanted it to be.
He already said that he is sorry and it’s not her, it’s him. He’s the one who can’t keep up with her and can’t change for her. He said she deserves better than him. He apologized again for not being the person who she thought he was. He took the blame because it was his fault that they were in that situation.
Instead of letting Jongin go coolly like he had expected, he has accused him of leading her on when he wanted another person. She said that he was unfair and he didn’t even put effort into their relationship. They never had a problem before and then he will give up just like that? Kyungri wasn’t able to grasp that and Jongin is done explaining. He has already said everything he has to. He apologized once more because that is all he could do. He is sorry that he was an idiot and a jerk.
She said that she didn’t want to see him again and he understood.
Jongin respected her wishes.
The break up was the top gossip for a good number of days. Kyungri and Jongin are quite a famous couple since they have been seen around the campus even before Jongin have officially enrolled. Jongin didn’t peg Kyungri as a blabbermouth but then he heard that people found out since they haven’t been seen together for quite some time already when they were always attached to the hip. Also, Jongin’s new group of friends weren’t around him anymore. He’s mostly seen alone now, walking to and fro from his classes.
He was walking to his class one day when he saw Baekhyun and Kyungsoo walking together. They have been in the same college but he majors in dance when the two majors in voice. This is the first time that he had seen Kyungsoo since the day that he knew that she’s with Sehun and something inside him warmed, tugging his lips up for a smile.
He made no move to come closer and wait until they are about to bump into each other. But a few feet away, Kyungsoo looked up and she saw him. The eyes that has always been so full of brightness and glow was absent. Kyungsoo’s eyes that met Jongin’s were sad and empty. There were so much more but he failed to see it because she turned away.
Jongin remembered Baekhyun’s words that struck him on each and every pore of his body.
He ducked his head in shame and walked away.
But Jongin can’t seem to stop himself from knowing about the new Kyungsoo. He has junked the old image of his bestfriend from his head and started with a clean slate. But he kept his distance because he doesn’t have the face to see her face to face after realizing how much he has hurt her.
Kyungsoo comes to school with Sehun, he always brings her to her first class, wherever it may be. They will always hold hands and Sehun will do something funny to cheer her up. Before she enters her class, they will hug for a bit and Sehun will kiss her forehead and sometimes, he goes for her lips. Kyungsoo will always smile and pat Sehun’s cheek before she lets him go.
Jongin makes sure to look for her a little later than her first class when he had constantly felt his heart getting hit blow by blow. Sometimes, he finds himself wishing he’s in Sehun’s place.
Kyungsoo then goes to her classes with Baekhyun since it seems like they have all their classes together. They will eat lunch together if Kyungsoo is not meeting Sehun. Then she will be the one to go and meet her boyfriend after her classes since she finishes early than him and then they will leave together, sometimes they go straight home, sometimes, Sehun brings her home and sometimes they go out on dates.
That’s all that Jongin could sum it up but he doesn’t have enough words to compress what Kyungsoo is now. She has gone out of her routine from before and exploring new things with Sehun. And she’s happy. She’s happy with him and Jongin tries to be happy for her as well. But every time he tells himself to smile because Kyungsoo is smiling, his lips curve downwards and he grimace as his lies to himself is refused by his heart.
Maybe it was fate but Jongin couldn’t care whatever it was that brought Kyungsoo into his apartment. Maybe fate decided to make her forget her keys that day and for the wind, accompanied by the heavy rain, blew her umbrella away and she is nearer to Jongin’s house than hers. Kyungsoo is a sensible person and she knows that she can’t afford getting sick. Her parents are not home – she basically lives alone – and she didn’t want to worry Sehun or Baekhyun and Chanyeol and waste their time taking care of her.
She didn’t really think much as her feet led her towards Jongin’s doorstep. She is going to ask for shelter until just after the rain stops. That is not much to ask, right? She doubts that he will have company since word travels fast and after all this time, she still keep tabs on Jongin. Maybe she wants to make sure that he is really okay, though she could see that he has this sluggish aura around him lately and the dragging down of his shoulders even though he is moving shows that he is sad. Jongin is quiet but he rarely looks sad because Kyungsoo makes sure that he’s not.
But then what place does she even have in his life now? Is she even capable of making him smile, even just a little?
It’s too late to back down now because Jongin has already opened the door and he’s looking at her with shock and disbelief.
“Sorry. I lost my umbrella. Can I come in?” she asked timidly. They’re still not on speaking terms and it feels like talking to a stranger all over again but when she saw that smile that she has missed on the elder’s lips, she knew that it’s okay.
“Sure,” Jongin feels like he is floating in the clouds because Kyungsoo is right there in front of him and walking inside his apartment like she has done before. She was heading towards his room but that is okay. He just followed her silently but it didn’t get to him why would she go straight to his room not until she reached for the hem of her shirt and slowly tugged it up.
Jongin burned with a heat that he hasn’t felt before towards Kyungsoo. He has seen her change before, not that he minded and the effect that action did to him now is astonishing. He backed out of his room and reminded himself that Kyungsoo is off limits. The burn he felt is somewhat akin to what he felt with Kyungri but still a whole lot different. With his bestfriend, it was more intense. He settled down on his sofa and took deep breaths to calm himself.
His success was short lived because he was breathless when he saw her wearing his clothes, just like before. But unlike before, it has sent his heart racing inside his chest and another blush is covering the other that has just calmed down. What is happening?
“I’m sorry but did you mind that I borrowed your clothes? Mine needs to dry,” Kyungsoo has just realized what she has done. She has felt her previous comfort settle in her when she has stepped into Jongin’s house. It has been a while though but the fond memories linger. In the period of time that she hasn’t been here, what could have Jongin been doing? Before he would be in her house or in school or with her.
In the months that they were separated, how was Jongin? Was he able to eat his meals on time? Did he sleep on time or, at least, the right hours? How did he spend his day? His free time after? Who was he with? She looked at her with a distant expression. She wasn’t even sure that the Jongin in front of her is the same Jongin that she knew as her bestfriend.
Bestfriends stick together. Bestfriends trust each other.
But looking at where they are right now, they haven’t fallen into one of those. So what does that make them?
“Do you feel sick?” Jongin was suddenly in front of her and Kyungsoo yelped. She tripped on her own foot and was falling backwards until Jongin has caught her by the arm on her back and him bending over her.
It only took the locking of their gazes to get their heartbeats and thoughts in sync. As Jongin pressed himself closer, Kyungsoo has met him halfway to tentatively brush their lips at first. The spark ignited upon contact was too great to resist and they gave into slanting their lips, molded around each other.
Jongin pushed the thought of how many times Kyungsoo must have gotten practice for her to kiss that way. He had never expected her to move against his so expertly but to hell with it. He never thought kissing someone could feel this exciting, wonderful, fulfilling and addicting. They fell over the couch with Kyungsoo laying on her back and Jongin following close after since her hands are locked in his hair and his hands are gripping her waist securely.
It snapped Jongin’s sanity when Kyungsoo let out a mewl. He lifted his lips off for a bit but it was enough to let his eyes wander to the too exposed expanse of skin since his shirt is too big on her. The urge to mark the milky smoothness presented to him bubbled under his skin but he held back. His conscience has killed any fire that has been in his veins, making him able to separate himself from the panting Kyungsoo whose eyes were dilated with too many emotions flashing in her eyes.
“I’m sorry,” they both chorused and they stayed on either end of the couch until the rain stopped falling and Kyungsoo’s clothes were dry. The silence that Jongin was left with was stifling and he could only cry to ease some of the burden piled up inside him.
“Jongin, I have something to say,” Sehun came up to him the next day and Jongin braced himself for the punch that he knows is coming for him. He just can’t go around kissing someone else’s girlfriend and get away with it, especially since this is Kyungsoo and Sehun, both people he has considered as friends. They went to the side of the field where they saw no one nearby. He waited for Sehun to speak up or just get on with the hit.
The physical pain didn’t come but Jongin wished he got that instead because the pain will only last for days while what Sehun said to him killed him.
“Kim Jongin, you had your chance. You had your chance and it was right in front of you, just under your nose and what did you do? You lost it. You were the one who lost it, Jongin. Don’t go trying to steal from others’.”
“You should know more than any other person that Kyungsoo has found it difficult to recognize her feelings. Did you know that I have to make her describe how she felt with me before and I’ve selfishly interpreted that in favor of me? I wanted to believe that when she said that she feels happy when she’s with me and she likes it when I smile is because she loves me the way I love her. But when she came clean to me this morning and confessed to kissing you, she never had that much adjectives when she talks about our kisses.”
“But do you know what? She has had as much as adjectives, if not more, when she talks about how you’ve hurt her. You left her to fuck around, Jongin. You eased her on it but you never told her anything. You, of all people should know that Kyungsoo needs verbal reassurance if you want her to understand. And you left her all to figure out where you were and what you have been doing. You left her confused, lonely and empty and I am more than willing to fill the void you left.”
“You were the one who had the power to break her apart and you let her know that the hard way. So please, Jongin. Leave her alone. You’ve done more than enough.”
Jongin’s biggest regret is not kissing Kyungsoo for the first time and a little too late but that he could’ve kissed her the first time a long time ago and could’ve owned all the others that will follow.
You could never know what you had until you lost them.
The next time that they saw each other, Kyungsoo didn’t go out of her way to evade Jongin like she would. The kiss that happened was not meant to be. It was a mistake and she already apologized to Sehun about it. Sure, it felt good, better than what she could imagine but when they broke apart, she remembered how things had fallen apart. If Jongin could so easily leave her hanging like that, what makes him not do it the second time? The third time?
Kyungsoo thinks she won’t be able to handle too much hurt again.
The kiss was a good way to finally let go of her feelings that can’t be realized anyway.
But the friendship, that’s what she doesn’t want to lose. Jongin has always been a good friend to her and he has always been by her side protecting her. But she understood that he also has a life of his own outside of their friendship and she doesn’t have the right to keep him away from it. It was hard at first because she was so used to having him by her side all the time.
Sehun was there, though. Sehun helped her cope and she’s more than grateful. The moment that she confessed to kissing Jongin and seeing how hurt Sehun is made her realize one more thing. Her heart crushed in pieces when she saw the hurt and disappointment in his eyes and it wouldn’t do. It hurt her twofold when she imagined Sehun breaking up with her because of her mistake.
She won’t be able to live through that if that happens. Sehun has saved her and patched her broken heart together.
Another day passed and everything was clear.
Jongin had been her first love and bestfriend but Sehun made her love again by showing her how to love and filling whatever emptiness she feels in her.
Jongin was her past and Sehun is her present and the future, she fervently hopes.
“Hi, Jongin.”
“Hi, Soo.”
“I just want to say sorry.”
“What for?”
“The kiss.”
“Then I have to say sorry too.”
“So we’re okay?”
“Hmm, yeah. We’re good.”
“Bestfriends?”
Jongin looked deeply into her shining eyes and remembered her smile. He wants nothing more than to see her always like this and he’ll do whatever it takes to keep those on her, in whatever way he could. Even letting her go for as much as it breaks him, they had the right love but at the wrong time.
And now that she’s found a better love, he won’t go and stand on its way.
“Bestfriends.”