Chapter Text
08/23/10 MON
Classes started. Have to take Professor Love again. Not happy about it.
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08/25/10 WED
New backliner is nearly useless. Should call Kevin soon.
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08/27/10 FRI
At least I have Robin here.
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08/28/10 SAT
Have to keep the phone on me now. It’s purposeful, so I don’t mind as much. Charging is still a pain in the ass though. I remember Nicky telling me once that letting it die all the time drains the battery. He was right.
New freshmen suck. What’s new.
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08/30/10 MON
Restarted late night practices with Robin. We never should’ve stopped.
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08/31/10 TUE
Kevin won against the Dogs. Called me later about it why is this relevant??
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9/04/10 SAT
Robin wants me to get a new phone.
Don’t want to give up the flip. Reminds me
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09/08/10 WED
First game is soon. Backliner is still useless.
Miss Kevin. ??
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09/11/10 SAT
Went to Verizon with Robin. Got an iPhone. I’m getting used to it. It’s a lot different.
added 6:32PM:
Said her next victim is Andrew, but I told her don’t sweat it.
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09/12/10 SUN
The house is not the same. I don’t like going to Eden’s alone but it’s nice to talk to Roland. I already knew it’d be like this.
A’s right. I just need to get over it.
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09/16/10 THURS
Freshman backliner is better, but she is too emotional; I don’t know what to do with her (recommend sessions with Betsy?? Don’t know if that’ll come off as rude) but striker I’m training is great.
First game tomorrow. Andrew’s game Saturday.
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09/17/10 FRI
Barely won against Terrapins (ridiculous) 10-08
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09/18/10 SAT
Andrew played his first game. He won.
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09/19/10 SUN
Having to remind myself that I am captain of a team should not be this difficult.
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09/22/10 WED
Jack’s been more rude lately but not towards me. Robin thinks him and Sheena broke up again I don’t even care. Robin is more comfortable in goal than she was this summer. I’m proud of her.
Miss Andrew’s cooking. Miss Andrew’
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09/25/10 SAT
Could call Betsy?
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09/27/10 MON
Robin twisted her ankle. Abby said she would be OK.
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09/28/10 TUE
Dislike playing without Robin.
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09/29/10 WED
He’s right. I am pathetic.
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10/01/10 FRI
Lost. Knew we would.
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10/02/10 SAT
Spent Saturday with Coach. Called Andrew.
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10/03/10 SUN
He said I’m co-dependent. Maybe I am. He’s such a solid force; I don’t know what he expected from me. Still can’t tell if this is affecting him as much as it’s affecting me. Sometimes I think it is, but it’s hard to tell when I can’t get a good look at him. He likes Skyping but my connection is always bad. Maybe I could try it somewhere else, but where? Columbia? No. No Internet there. I could set something up, pay for a better connection. His voice is sometimes enough and sometimes it’s not. Sometimes something I don’t know fills my chest and I feel overwhelmed, but it’s dangerous for me to even acknowledge that yet admit to it. I don’t know what it is but I just feel weird all the time. Especially when we’re on the phone. Both weird and not. Because I can hear him but I can’t touch him, he’s with me but he’s not.
I like Robin a lot and it’s nice that we’re getting closer, even if it’s out of need. She understands, at least I have someone nearby who understands why I could be this way
added 11:39PM:
He said that I’m just a pent-up ball of energy that needs to get his fill. He is not wrong. And exy is helping but Nicky was right. It can’t be everything. It isn’t everything. They’re little words from such a long ago that still make their rounds in my psyche
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10/04/10 MON
Aced exam for Love.
added 6:13PM:
FaceTimed with Dan and Matt. Connection actually worked. Gonna tell Andrew.
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10/06/10 WED
Convinced Andrew to get an iPhone.
If this is the closest thing I can get to sex then I don’t even care about losing the flip
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10/09/10 SAT
Robin wants to go to Columbia but I have zero interest. Going to Eden’s to drink a soda and then have a three minute conversation with Roland? It’s pointless.
The house has too many memories; I feel more alone there than ever. I don’t even feel like myself
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10/10/10 SUN
It’s not normal to be this bored all the time.
added 10:30PM:
I’m now like Kevin with how much Robin and I have been practicing.
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10/12/10 TUE
Another game this week that we’re losing. I feel crazy.
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10/13/10 WED
The group chat with the Foxes is beyond stupid. It feels like an insult for some reason. As if technical devices have any competition to actually seeing each other.
Maybe text Allison about a future cabin trip?
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10/15/10 FRI
No words to describe how frustrated I feel.
Game lost. Everything lost. Everything is fucking horrible and I feel so lost
added 8:32PM:
Andrew.
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10/25/10 MON
Only had him for two days and it was all I needed, or I still need more. A week has passed, yet still. I remember Matt being sad when the girls left; he had said ‘his person’ was gone. Only now do I understand what he meant. Andrew does have a point. The last time I relied so heavily on someone it was a disaster. But he is not my mother nor do I think he’s dying anytime soon, not when he has something to live for. He’s just not here. I need to remind myself of that and stop being so dramatic all the time. It’s just hard when I can’t control my emotions. And the weight it’s had on him was finally clear. It was intense. We were intense. So many words I held back, none of which he would have been happy if I said them. Now, I almost regret not saying them.
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10/28/10 THURS
Andrew told me to get an early start on Christmas presents since I’m so bad at them. Decided to listen this time.
So far:
* Andrew: Taken care of
* Allison: sweater Dan sent me. Perfume she wore my sophomore year. Knew it was hers when I smelt it but I should text Dan or Renee to make sure
* Dan: Matt says he’ll handle it but I don’t know what that means and I don’t think I trust it; still open and unsure. Might just repeat what I did last year and send clothes
* Renee: no idea
* Matt: a baseball card he cares about. Found the rare one on eBay. Record from his favorite band
* Kevin: dog shit for protein
* Nicky: tickets to some concert Allison said she’ll send me the link to. He wants a new coffee maker
* Aaron: clothes
* Robin: I don’t know. She’s not a huge gift person but I have to think of something
added 4:25PM:
- I need to get gifts for her parents too if we’re spending it with them
added 6:22PM:
Maybe a new trophy case for Kevin?? Despite how many he has he’ll probably like a new one
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10/29/10 FRI
Finally fucking won a game. Everything could be okay after all?
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10/31/10 SUN
Went to Columbia with Robin for Halloween. Somehow got tipsy. Glad I went.
Starting to feel a bit more normal.
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11/02/10 TUE
Foxes are getting their strength back. The win on Friday boasted everyone’s confidence. I don’t think we’ll be dunked from championships, or maybe I’m just being optimistic.
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11/04/10 THUR
Robin made me a Facebook account. She was right. I like it a lot.
added 4:12PM:
It’s so nice to see snippets of everyone’s lives without having the conversations. I’ve already spent two hours on it and I can’t get off. Know Andrew would make fun of me for it but I don’t care. I want to post but there’s also so little I want to share. Maybe one day
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11/05/10 FRI
Won again. ◡̈
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11/07/10 SUN
Obsessed with watching Andrew on court. If only he knew how much I rewatch his games. I would never hear the end of it
Miss him like crazy. Christmas is on its way though
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11/08/10 MON
Jack and Sheena are back together. Ridiculous how much better they are when they make up. Matt compared them to Seth and Allison when we were in private, and the more time passes the more I think he was right.
Foxes are doing better. That’s all that matters.
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11/10/10 WED
Was told Lucy did start seeing Betsy after I recommended it to her. It’s obviously working. I’ll never get it.
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11/14/10 SUN
Robin and I keep eating out. It gives me a false sense of normalcy for some reason, but my health is suffering in minor ways. Both her and Nicky want Andrew to make a Facebook account. Nearly laughed at her when she told me too. I know he’d never.
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11/16/10 TUE
Classes keep driving me nuts. I still like math, but it gets to a point where I don’t care anymore. Can’t wait till I never have to stress about them again.
added 9:48PM:
Tried to do movie night with the team. Robin and I ditched. Glad to be with someone who hates movies as much as me. And it’s also just not the same
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11/17/10 WED
Andrew made the Facebook account. Maybe anything’s possible
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11/19/10 FRI
Want to call him. Need him.
We also won.
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11/23/10 TUE
There are so many stray cats now when I run outside of Palmetto. Don’t know where they came from. All of them look like they’re starving.
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11/26/10 FRI
Game wasn’t bad but wasn’t good either. If we keep slacking, we’ll keep losing. Their confidence gets too high and, as Kevin says, they get comfortable. Hate it when he’s wrong, hate it more when he’s right.
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11/29/10 MON
Two weeks till break. Three and a half weeks till Andrew is here.
I will push through.
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12/04/10 SAT
Thank god for FaceTime or else I would be psycho. I never thought of myself as a “sexual person”, and I don’t even know if I would call myself that now. I don’t know what it really means, but I know that I almost never relate to anyone when they talk so freely about their sex life as if it’s something as simple as eating or drinking.
But I do know Andrew. I know privacy, maybe that’s just what it is. Probably. It’s just special to me. Something I could never imagine sharing. How private it feels. How much it means to me. How much he means to me. How good he makes me feel. Sappy
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12/08/10 WED
Break cannot come fast enough.
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12/11/10 SAT
Officially on break. Fuck classes. Barely passed Love and I knew it would be like this. Unbelievable how that man teaches. Aced two exams and still bombed the final. Doesn’t matter now.
added 8:24PM:
Had a text conversation with Jean. He’s officially with Jeremy. I’m happy for him.
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12/14/10 TUE
Finally have Christmas for everyone. Aaron’s might not arrive on time but IDC. Got Katelyn a last minute necklace
added 3:01PM:
Got Robin a DS. Happy with it.
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12/16/10 THUR
Andrew’s last game tomorrow. Playing against Matt. Matt was offended I wasn’t rooting for him, but I don’t know what he expected. Is that cruel? No. If me and Dan were in that position he would choose Dan. At least I would hope so.
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12/17/10 FRI
Andrew’s last game. Everything to me
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01/03/10 11 MON
It’s weird writing a new date for the year or writing again at all. Deciding not to bring my binder to Robin’s was out of appropriateness, but I did feel a little lost without it. Ridiculous. Nothing of value is in here anymore. The absence was also to shed Andrew away. He’s nosey. I’m gonna have to find somewhere else to put these pages.
He left last night. I’m trying to get better at this. I think I am, it will just take some time to adjust; I hate that I have to adjust in the first plac
Robin’s parents were kind despite how we probably appeared to them. The sweater her mom gave me reminded me of Allison, slick and smooth and too expensive to feel comfortable wearing. Matt and Dan sent me a box filled with old photos and memories he thought I could add to my binder. Renee sent me something similar. I think everyone did good with gifts this year.
Andrew got me and Robin leather jackets. I keep touching it. He got me the right clothes, the right laptop I needed. He is so stupid. Why would I ever want to give this up? How could I have ever lived without being known?
Best Christmas maybe ever. Foxes are getting to championships. I am going to make sure of it. Last few months here.
Last few months here. Last few months here.
Last few months here. Then Pro’s. Then more life.
I can’t even stomach it.