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When I left you with the two rings, I didn't think about the future. I had my suitcase full of clothes with your marks, your scent. That was enough for me to leave you like that. I ignored all your pleas and ran out of our house. Maybe it was the peace of being rid of you. I don't know. While you waited for me in tears in our house, I wanted to go to the person who would welcome me in the new home I had found. I wanted to embrace him, I wanted to tell him that I was now free, that I was free of the barrier between us called you. I remember my feelings at that moment, I hadn't felt like that for a long time.
In the weeks since I left you with the ring I wore with my child's mind swearing 'I will never leave you', I have never thought of you. Not your scent, which I found so pleasant, not the big smile on your face when you greeted me every time I came home tired from work, not the freckles on your face. You know, I remember that in the last few months of our life, the freckles that had been so beautiful to me suddenly started to look ugly. When I told him this, he said that my eyes were slowly opening, that I saw you as beautiful because of my feelings, but that your freckles were a flaw. I don't know if it was the new peace in his voice or the happiness of being in his arms, but it felt right. It made it easier for me to let you go.
I forgot you with the confidence that I knew you couldn't forget me. Whatever I did, even if I returned without saying anything, your warm arms around me made me even happier. I felt unforgettable, perfect. Your beautiful love made me ugly. You turned me into a shitty ruin.
Despite all the emotions I felt the moment I left you, I knew I would come back to you one day, because you were the one who was good for me in my fights with him. Isn't that strange? That I always tripped over you when I was running to him. It's your love that heals me and makes me run faster to him...
I've always hated suits. You know that better than anyone. How I throw away the suits you insist I wear on special occasions. I always thought I couldn't stay in that uncomfortable outfit for more than a few minutes. I remember laughing mockingly when you asked me what you were going to wear to our wedding, and watching another shining star fade from your face.
But here I am, Yamaguchi. I'm one of the many people wearing those damn suits. The only difference is that I'm sitting in a quiet corner, looking at your picture adorned with flowers. This is not where I expected to find you.
It wasn't supposed to be your funeral. It was our house. The house I set on fire.
It feels strange, it doesn't feel real. Seeing you glowing in the picture, after the last time I saw you pale, makes the suicidal you in my mind feel like breathing again. Really, you had such a beautiful smile when you were happy. Your eyes were shining, the stars that adorned your face were shining. I killed them, didn't I? Because of me, they all committed suicide, one by one, with each tear.
When thoughts took over my mind, it was your mother who saved me, Tadashi. In a moment of absent-mindedness, I looked up and the angry look I met was a slap in the face of reality. Those eyes screamed at me that you were gone.
"I don't want you to speak at the podium in memory of my son." Your mother's words were the sound of poison. They were anger, hatred, death. She was right, but I am selfish. If I wasn't, the question 'Why?' would not have escaped my lips.
Are you going to tell everyone how you killed him?
I looked away from your mother at first. I didn't want to see the acceptance I saw in her eyes, the acceptance that you were gone. I couldn't bear that even she had to accept that you were gone, when your mother was the only branch I was clinging to. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be the only one trying to keep you alive in my mind, in the corner next to me. I don't want to accept that you're dead. You're not dead. You're waiting for me somewhere. Maybe in the dark, maybe in the sky, maybe in the sea you're afraid of. Do the stars accompany you so you won't be alone waiting for me? Is that why they took you with them, Tadashi? They keep you company because they know how afraid you are of being alone, so much so that you can't sleep, right? They'll give you back to me, won't they? You will wait for me at home, right? Tell them not to be selfish, Tadashi. Even if all the stars are in the sky, Tadashi, can't you go back?
Then I hid my trembling hands. I hid my ring finger, which had been empty since the moment I left you with two of the rings, in my pockets, my hands trembling like the moment I took the ring off.
"I want to talk to him," my voice was unbecomingly hoarse.
"Isn't it enough that you have ruined my son's life? Why don't you let me say goodbye to him in peace for the last time?" the same venomous spittle, full of regret and guilt, which I also had. Like me, your mother couldn't say goodbye to you, Tadashi.
You disappeared into the Red Sea without telling anyone, and we can't find you, Tadashi.
"You just don't want them to know that Tadashi is gay." The truth escaped my lips at the same time as the warmth I felt on my cheek. The pain in my cheek eased a little with the relief of letting go of the poison that had been hidden between my lips for years. I told them the truth you wanted to tell for so long, Tadashi, you're not angry, are you? I'm sorry I tried to poison your mother the way I poisoned you. But you know me, I'm a selfish man. I don't want to burn in the fire you left me in. I'm not your only killer, I can't burn in that fire alone. Why did you leave me in the fire?
"Shut up," your mother's eyes accepted the truth that her lips could not say. Your mother was like me, Tadashi. She was a coward, she preferred to run away instead of accepting. "I want everyone here to say goodbye to my son. I want to say goodbye to my Tadashi. Keep your poison away from us."
Do you hear, Tadashi? Now you have the honour of being her son again.
She's still your mother and you're her son again, as if she wasn't the one who, until a few months ago, turned a deaf ear every time you called her mother, the one who slapped you mercilessly every time and threw you out the door. Are you happy? The words you have waited so long to hear have finally escaped your mother's lips.
"It is my right to say goodbye to him!"
Maybe it was a disgusting request for her, that I, who couldn't even say goodbye when I left you - your family's face proves it - maybe I don't deserve it, as they say. I should have left you in peace, even for the last time. I shouldn't have taken away your family's last memories of you, I should have left without the big barrier between you like before. I should have given you that peace. I owe you at least that, don't I? I know it's best for me to leave,
but my star, if I leave you again, won't you be afraid?
"You forfeited that right when you left him, now get out of here," as your mother stabs me like a dagger with the truth that part of me can never accept, I know I should keep quiet. Of course I know, but what I don't understand, Tadashi, is why am I the only one who loses? Why can't I say goodbye to you when the people who left you before me are right there? Why am I the only one to blame? "Shouldn't you come with me on this journey?"
Tadashi, you always wanted me. You wanted me to be here even if I left you, didn't you?
You wanted me to look at you from behind the podium with all my selfishness. You wanted me to speak. You would have wanted me to shout to the world about us that they were trying to hide.
All my courage was taken from me by your father, who stood in front of me with your mother behind him, Tadashi. His eyes didn't burn with fire like hers, nor did he have words that dripped with venom. He had a look like yours. One that didn't need words, where his eyes said everything. The same look I saw in your eyes during our last months together. Those sad eyes that silently screamed disappointment.
It took me by surprise. The memory of you he placed in my hand left me so speechless that he didn't even need to say anything before he walked away with your mother. He knew he'd gone victorious.
Just as I left you with two rings, your father left me with one, Tadashi. The ring I'd placed in his hand now felt strange in mine.
Hours passed. Your family had won.
I was thrown out. I couldn't go in, I couldn't say goodbye to you, I couldn't shout for us on that dais.
I couldn't tell them that you were mine.
I couldn't tell them that you left me, us, our home.
I couldn't tell them that I was the one who plucked your stars from the sky one by one.
I couldn't tell you that I loved you.
And they never told me where you were buried.