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Whenever she thinks about it, she tells herself it isn’t illegal.
It isn’t illegal, not in Orr, though it is in other countries. If either of them had been born just one border away, neither of them would feel comfortable with their situation or even consider it, but the thing is, it isn’t illegal.
It isn’t illegal, but it is uncomfortable. For her, if not for them.
Oh, of course no one else knows. At times, she wants to think their Commander doesn’t know either, but it is all moot thinking: their Commander is pretty much aware of what the ‘Date of Birth’ and ‘Age of Enlistment’ fields say in Yuder Ail’s file. She knows he knows because she, as one of the deputies, was one of the people he came to when debating officially making Yuder his assistant. Which also means he knows she knows, and he probably knows some of the others do as well, and he acts the way he does despite her and the others knowing.
It is uncomfortable to know, since only a few of them know. Everyone else is absolutely convinced Yuder is 20 years old as he claims when asked. It doesn’t help that Yuder always looks like the weight of the world lays on his young shoulders, the weariness of his expressions matching 30-something more than the 20 springs he claims he has lived. The proficiency he has with his abilities is also a point against, because of those close in age to him, none have anything close to the skill and finesse Yuder has with his nature manipulation.
Yuder trains them. He doesn’t just train his age group either, he trains all of them. She is 20 herself and she trains under a boy. Apart from that, Yuder has been doing assistant-like duties since day one, even though he was only officially appointed some months after recruitment. Yuder has been their leader behind the scenes ever since the Cavalry started, and even before: she knows of more than a few people who he aided at the recruitment trials, starting with herself.
At times, she wants to ask what happened. She isn’t the only one.
The thing is, no 15-year-old should act the way Yuder does, nor know the things he does. The world did him a great disservice in this life, this and whichever other he might have lived, because Yuder acts like a man in his 30s who has lived life at least three times and who is absolutely, completely tired of trying to get it right. He deserves a break from everything, but he decided to join the Cavalry despite the exhaustion in his sunken gaze, despite his trembling fingers, despite the choked sobs he hides when in his room, despite everything that is wrong with how he has chosen to live his life.
It is uncomfortable, watching Yuder. It makes her feel helpless, pained and makes her heart ache, but it is also uncomfortable.
At times she thinks about the way she chose to live her life, forced as it was, and yet she remembers she still had the time to be a child. Maybe not often, maybe not the most light-hearted of children, but she was still allowed to be at times, to play, to hide from the adults and laugh with her peers. Rarely, yes, but she still has some good memories of times she enjoyed herself, less than a handful, but she does.
Yuder seems to have nothing of that: his happiest moments are when he runs the others through his torturous drills, when he devours half a table worth of sweets, and when he is with their Commander.
Their Commander. He makes everything more uncomfortable than it has any right to be, too.
She knows it isn’t illegal. They know it isn’t illegal. Not in Orr, at least, but that doesn’t make it any less uncomfortable. It also doesn’t change the fact that she knows exactly why it is uncomfortable, and probably so do some of the others: Yuder might be stoic most of the time, but their Commander.
Their Commander isn’t subtle. He is a great actor, but he isn’t subtle, not when it comes to Yuder at least. Others who watch less than she does might not notice, but she does. Her job is observing, her ability is built upon simply knowing things and she brushes past Yuder enough times in a day to know more than she wants to. And well, when she gets near their Commander, it is even worse.
He isn’t subtle about his actions. He isn’t subtle about the lingering gazes, about the lingering touches, about the bright and genuine smile that blooms in his face whenever Yuder is by his side. He isn’t subtle about the arm around Yuder’s waist when they share a sofa, or about the brushes of his lips on Yuder’s fingers, or about how making Yuder embarrassed is one of his favourite hobbies. He isn’t subtle at all.
And Yuder, well, he just lets it happen, even encourages it at times. Because it isn’t illegal. It isn’t illegal for Yuder to wrap his arms around their Commander’s neck and lean on his tiptoes to kiss him, only to quickly dart away when he hears someone coming. It isn’t illegal for Yuder to sneak into their Commander’s quarters at night when he thinks no one is watching or paying attention, it isn’t illegal for him to have a relationship with a man twice his age.
It isn’t illegal, but it is uncomfortable.
It isn’t illegal, but it is so uncomfortable that a boy, a teenager who carries the world on his shoulders, decided to accept their Commander’s advances seemingly without questioning it. It is as if he was perfectly used to being coveted by older men, or as if he was perfectly used to being wanted by this particular man, as if it was just part of his nature and duty.
It is made even worse by the fact that Yuder presented as an οmega, while their Commander is a very obvious Αlpha. She doesn’t quite understand the dynamics of the whole thing, but she knows enough.
Still, it is unnerving, how seamlessly the two of them fit together, as if one was the body and the other were the limbs. As if they were one soul in two bodies, perfect matches in every sense. It is mildly unnerving, and also uncomfortable, but their relationship is still not illegal.
What should be illegal is the amount of work Yuder piles on himself without prompting. Because that man, that child, he… is a workaholic. There is no way to say it somehow else: he lives for work, and work is his life. Or rather, he lives for their Commander, and what their Commander says, and even what he doesn’t say, is law.
Yuder will see one frown on their Commander’s face, hear one syllable from his lips, and he will get to work immediately. He will do his assistant duties flawlessly, check up on the rest of the Cavalry, organize training exercises and field trips, make sure the Divisions are working independently and together, and generally make a productive nuisance of himself until everyone else fits his impossible standards. At times, she wants to grab him and shake him while reminding him he is a growing teenager, to stop overworking himself, but well…
Yuder is also acutely aware of his own limitations. As if he was fabric, he will see one fold falling wrong and try to correct it right away, without anyone else pointing it out to him.
If he was older, she would hold him on a pedestal for his proactiveness. Alas, he is fifteen, and what he should be doing is focus on growing up instead of putting himself in danger in stead of everyone else.
She wants to shake him, shake their Commander, shake Nathan Zuckerman while she is at it, but she also knows that’s not her job. No, the job to shake Yuder and remind him he is actually human and not an ancient magical artefact belongs to the pharmacist and their healer. And thank all deities of this and other worlds for Enon and Lusan, because if not for them Yuder would be living on a diet of sweets and training himself to death.
Still, Yuder is awfully aware of his limitations, maybe too aware. He, with his eternal stoic face and the aura of a 30-something years old, knows far too well that he is not, in fact, 20 as he claims. He will join the younger Cavalry members on their conditioning training under the guise of supervision, take care of keeping a routine, go to his regular medical appointments… Or well, he would, if he wasn’t busy with the pile of work he creates for himself without anyone telling him to.
Thank all deities for Enon and Lusan, but thank even more for the others in on the secret of Yuder’s true age. The Yuder protection squad is a real thing and she is a proud member of it, even if at times she wants to yank her hair out because Yuder did the one thing he was explicitly told not to do, again, as he tends to do.
Teenagers have no fear. Yuder is acutely aware of his limitations, but he is also a teenager, and at times he can’t hide it well enough for others not to notice.
The trembling fingers when he is insecure. The nervous habit of scratching at his neck, as if to make sure his head is still attached, or at his fingers, or his limbs, or his skin as a whole until he ends up in the infirmary for drawing blood. The way he instinctively hides from certain people or how he can’t hide his apprehension for some others well enough to not be noticed. The sometimes reckless actions without a thought— No, wait, those are very much planned, he is just completely fearless.
The minute twists in his expressions before he hides them, not as emotionless as he tries to pretend. The occasional frustration for not being able to do what he pushes himself to, as rare as it is. The urge to excel in everything he aspires to, like a child chasing praise from their parents, or the childish, well-disguised pouts when he loses in a game against someone else.
The choked sobs and screams he hides inside his room, that everyone in the know has pledged to never mention because if they do Yuder will clam up and never trust them ever again. All greater emotions kept under lock and key, because Yuder needs to be seen as someone reliable, he needs to be seen as independent, just like any child who has lost their family too early, who has faced the world alone and only now has found somewhere to belong to.
It is heartbreaking, and painful, and the helplessness of it all makes her stand at his side and not question his other, rather uncomfortable, decisions. He wanted to join the Cavalry, living at the edge of what could be considered child exploitation, and he wanted to help the world this way, with them at his side, and their Commander holding his hand.
And she cares for this boy that changed her life, more than she has probably cared for anyone in the past. She cares for her little brother so much she just wants the best for him, and if the best for him is hiding his true age, a man twice his age and the workload of three high ranked officials, then…
Well, there is always the possibility to grab him, shake him very hard to remind him he should be focusing on growing up, and deal with the consequences later. The consequences probably being more training from the gates of the underworld, but that’s Yuder for you.
Thus, Kanna Wand continues observing and supporting from the sidelines, as is in her job description. Both as deputy commander and member of the Cavalry, as an older sister, and as a friend.