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Will felt stupid.
Technically he knows he’s thinking irrationally, and he’s definitely not stupid – well at least regarding this situation, but nothing can convince him he’s not being at least a bit pathetic.
He’s 29 years old and just now realising he might not be as straight as he thought. Why? Because the guy sitting across him was definitely flirting with him, and he was enjoying it.
When George invited him to the pub the day before, he didn’t think he’d be having one of the biggest realisations of his life on a casual Friday. It was supposed to be a normal day, going out drinking with the lads and crashing at an abnormal hour in the morning.
That was before he found out George decided to bring his American friend Noah, visiting London for a week.
Noah was a few inches smaller than Will, in the way that if Will lifted his chin up, he could place it on the man’s black fluffy hair. He wore round glasses with a black frame, the hazel eyes behind them shining through. And when he smiled at Will, he could feel warmth spreading from his chest – so yeah, Will might be a bit less straight than he thought.
„Do you smoke?” Noah’s eyes flicked over Will’s body, to others seeming like he’s looking for anything that would give away the answer to his question, but it just made Will feel giddy. Not only because he was clearly checking him out, but because when he met Noah, he was standing outside and smoking, so he already knew.
„Want to go for a cig?”
Noah flashed him a smile and nodded. As they both got up, George raised his eyebrows at Noah, who simply winked at him and made his way out of the pub, so Will shrugged and followed.
Once they were outside, Will pulled out the pack, tilting it towards Noah so he could pull one out. He however did not move. „Can we share? I don’t feel like smoking that much.”
Will let out a laugh, shaking his head. „You asked to go smoke and now you don’t even want one? If you wanted to get me alone you could’ve just asked.”
So, he doesn’t know where that came from – except he kind of does. Noah is attractive and Will would really like to know how the scratch of his stubble would feel on his skin.
„Noted.”
Will lit a cigarette and breathed in the smoke, the familiar taste of nicotine spreading across his tongue. He straightened his arm, meaning to hand the cigarette to Noah, but instead of just taking it, the man dipped his head down. His lips connected with Will’s fingers as he wrapped them around the cigarette and breathed in, holding eye contact the whole time. Will felt frozen in the spot, unable to look away as a wave of adrenalin shot through his body.
„George told me you were straight.” Noah spoke up suddenly. Will leant on the fence of the smoking area, deciding how to answer. He had no idea he wasn’t a few hours ago, but he didn’t want to talk about it.
He decided to ignore the question, taking a drag before answering. „You asked him about me?”
Noah shrugged, not embarrassed in the slightest. „Just wanted to know if I have a chance. I’m guessing you’re not out?”
„Don’t know what I am really.”
Noah nodded, like it was obvious, like he expected it. His lips connected with Will’s fingers again, as he inhaled once more. „Well, I saw you checking me out before.”
„Can’t blame me for appreciating an attractive man.” Will’s turn to shrug. He took the last drag out of the cigarette and put it out on the ashtray. He could see Noah’s eyes drop to his lips, his intentions clear. A feeling of nagging anxiety tugged in his stomach, they were in public after all. He was fine with flirting, he did that a lot with most of his friends, but kissing was something different entirely.
„Will you kiss that attractive man or will he have to do it himself?”
Noah was grinning now, putting his hand over Will’s that was currently on top of the small fence. Will didn’t know what to do. On one hand, he was really attracted to Noah, on the other, he couldn’t stop the feeling of shame at the image of kissing him in public. He swallowed, pushing the anxious thoughts back in his head. He can’t deny himself something he wants. A small unsure smile appeared on his face.
„I think he might have to do it himself.”
Noah didn’t wait any longer, pushing his lips onto Will’s. Their tongues immediately connected, neither of them wasting time with sweet kisses. Noah’s hand moved to his face, the other one slipping to his hips. He pushed him onto the fence, leaving almost no space between them.
Will didn’t know what to do with his hands – is he supposed to put them in different places than when making out with women? So he wrapped them around Noah’s neck, fingers slipping into the hair at the back of his head, because that’s what he likes.
It definitely wasn’t a disappointment, Will was enjoying it, really. The stubble scratching his chin as Noah’s lips moved, the strong hands not afraid to move around his body, but he felt as if something was missing. He couldn’t put his finger onto what.
Before he could think about that more, a voice called out from the door.
„Will? Noah? Oh-“
Will moved at the speed of lighting, pushing Noah off his body, one of his hands going to his hair, trying to make himself look more presentable. George was standing in the door of the pub, staring at them with his mouth open.
„What is it?” Noah seemed unconcerned, more bothered that George interrupted them.
„Uh, we were thinking of wrapping it up early, but you two can stay if you want.”
Noah’s head turned towards Will, clearly searching for an answer, but Will couldn’t look at him. Shame engulfed his body, George wasn’t supposed to see that.
„I’m going home, mate.” Will ran inside, hoping to disappear as fast as he can, without acknowledging Noah. It was shitty of him to do, he knew that, but the irrational part of his brain felt too exposed. Enough realisations for today, he needed to be alone. Or talk to James, maybe.
He exchanged quiet goodbyes with everyone but the man he made out with just a few minutes ago, only nodding at him from a distance before leaving first. He was glad the pub was really close to his flat, so he didn’t need to call an uber.
Instead, his finger hovered over the call button under James’ contact name. He couldn’t decide if he should call him or not. Would he feel better or exposed in the same way he felt when George found out? Sighing, he put his phone back in his pocket. No calls tonight, but no headphones either – this was going to be a really quiet walk.
-
The next day Will did absolutely nothing. He put on some videos on the TV and spent the whole day laying around, thinking about the night before. It was around 10pm when his phone rang. He was in the middle of scrolling through an article about bisexuality, he wanted to do research, because deep in his mind, it felt like he’s faking his attraction to men, otherwise he would’ve noticed it earlier in his life. It was stupid, he knew, so when James’ name flashed across the screen, a grin appeared on his face.
„Hey, sorry for calling so late, but I just got back from Paris and I’m stuck in London. Can I stay over?” James’ voice filled the room after Will accepted the call.
„That’s what you get for going to fucking France.”
„No, I actually really enjoyed it there.”
„You’re not really helping yourself here, I can just say no, y’know.” Will could feel the eye roll from behind the phone.
„I’ll be there in a few.” Without waiting for an answer, James ended the call. Will laughed under his breath, he loved every moment he spent with James and it made him happy to know James felt he could always lean on him with anything, even if it was as stupid as sleeping over, because he missed his last train. He was truly his best friend.
It didn’t take long for James to arrive, just enough time for Will to finish reading the article. It told him everything he knew already, he expected that, but he still didn’t feel great about it.
He let James in and he could physically feel the atmosphere shift to a more comfortable one. James always had that effect.
„I was hoping you’d get stuck somewhere.”
„Hello to you too.” James laughed, hugging Will in the doorway. James was a hugger, Will liked that about him. „Before I forget, can I make a call from your phone so Otto won’t go hungry tomorrow? Mine died.”
„What else, you want a massage too? Or a feast for our royalty?” Will locked the door behind James, following him into the living room. „It’s on the sofa.”
„A massage would be great.” James winked at him. „Or do you just want to get your hands on me?”
„Yeah, to beat the shit out of you.”
James picked up the phone, easily putting the password in. It made Will feel warm all over, for a reason he didn’t quite know. He could see James stop after unlocking the phone and suddenly remembered he forgot to close the Safari tab he was reading, an anxious feeling overtaking him again.
James smiled, finger swiping over the screen. He didn’t even look at Will, typing in a number and raising the phone to his ear.
Will turned around, walking into the kitchen, suddenly needing to do something with his hands. He pulled out a glass and filled it with tap water, drinking it whole, before putting it down into the sink. His fingers started fidgeting with the string on the waistband of his shorts as he sat on the counter, legs kicking into the wood bellow him.
Would James think he was just curious or would he know why Will was reading about bisexuality? The rational part of his brain told him it wouldn’t matter anyway, James was bisexual himself, he wouldn’t care, but the thought of someone knowing so soon was eating away at him from the inside.
James walked into the kitchen, handing over his phone quietly. Will could feel his eyes on him, searching. He could definitely tell Will was feeling anxious, he always did, but he didn’t know if it would connect with the article in his mind.
„Found out anything interesting?” James broke the silence, clearly connecting the dots and deciding acknowledging it would make Will feel more at ease. Will didn’t know if that was true so he just shook his head.
James stepped closer to him, putting one of his hands on his thigh. He did that sometimes, touched him in a way that made his heart race faster. Will never thought anything of it, put it off to him being lonely and touch deprived, but with the recent realisation in mind, he was starting to think it might just mean something.
„You could just ask me if you want to know something.”
Will raised his head to look at him, their eyes connecting. The expression on James’ face could only be described as soft, and Will was melting under his gaze.
„Being bi doesn’t make you know everything.” Will’s hand grabbed James’, raising it from his thigh as he hopped down. The touch was too distracting, everything about him felt too inviting, making Will want to confess every secret he held deep in his heart.
„Do you need to know everything?”
Will shrugged and let go off his hand. He didn’t know how to answer that question. All he needed right now was to organise his thoughts and keep them to himself for some time.
„Well, my offer always stands.” James smiled, stepping away.
Will felt like a teenager discovering he has feelings and a body again. He had to let out a laugh, because if he wasn’t so confused, he would definitely be laughing at the situation he’s in. „Thanks, Jimbo.”
-
Whenever they were sleeping over at each other’s flats, they shared a bed. It was easier for Will to take the right side and James the left, rather than to decide who will sleep on the sofa each time. Neither of them thought anything of it, it just became a part of their routine.
They would say their goodnights, turn away to not face the other and fall asleep.
Which is why it’s understandable that Will woke up very confused this morning.
Before even opening his eyes, he noticed whatever his head was resting on was currently rising up and down, his arm and one of his legs were thrown over something in the same way as hugging a pillow when he’s feeling lonely and there was an unusual warmth around his waist.
Well, fuck.
Slowly, he breathed in, his suspicions being confirmed as he inhaled James’ familiar scent. His heart began to pound harder in his chest and he could feel his whole body burn up.
Will was cuddling James. In his bed.
Their position gave away that Will must’ve been the one to curl up to James, some time in the night, unaware of what he was doing.
Maybe if he slipped away quietly, he wouldn’t wake James up and wouldn’t have to live through an embarrassing conversation about this.
It was not unusual for them to touch, but Will rarely ever initiated the contact, only letting himself lean on James while laughing or brush his arm while trying to get his attention. James was always the one who let his touch linger, comfortable with keeping his hand on Will’s leg while talking like he did yesterday, until it got too much for Will and he had to stand up, walk away from it.
Sometimes James teased Will about this difficulty to accept touch from him, because of course he noticed. He always payed attention to every little thing Will did, quietly observing. Maybe that’s why he’s always able to read him like a book.
Determined to carry out his plan and slip away, he carefully opened his eyes, making sure he didn’t move.
Unfortunately for him, the first thing he saw was James’ free arm, the one that wasn’t currently placed around his waist keeping him in space, holding his phone upright. Well, there goes his plan, James was already awake.
New plan, he will just die here – in James’ arms, draped over his body. It wouldn’t be the worst spot.
He closed his eyes, maybe he was dreaming, it could be possible, but when he opened them again, he was still in the same position.
Bracing himself for the embarrassment, he turned his head to look at James, who noticed him straight away.
„G’morning.”
„Are you always this cuddly in the morning? Should I get used to this?” There it goes. Will’s face flushed pink as he squeezed his eyes.
„Shut up.” Will used the arm still curled around James to poke him in the ribs.
James squeaked, trying to get away from his finger but Will’s body basically on top of him was making it hard – and why did Will think that was cute? A huge grin appeared on his face until James poked him back with the hand that was holding his phone just a few seconds ago. Will, trying to get away, ended up holding himself up with both of his hands, each on either side of James’ chest.
What Will didn’t think of was James’ arm, before lazily placed around his waist, that now accidentally slipped down and stopped on his ass.
James wasn’t moving and neither was Will.
They were staring into each other’s eyes and Will was extremely hyper aware of James’ touch. His whole body felt like someone lit him on fire, sparks flying around his stomach.
So, his heart speeding up at James’ touch before definitely meant something more. How did he not notice it sooner?
All he could think about now was James, not even trying to hide his smile and amusement. He felt see through, his thoughts were most definitely showing in his expression and James could tell, like always, what he was thinking.
He needed to get away before he does something stupid like kiss that annoyingly attractive smirk off his face.
Before he could move, James pushed him towards himself. With a yelp Will lost balance and fell onto his chest once again, though now he was just basically laying on top of him, one of his legs tucked between James’.
„Stop being so embarrassed by wanting to cuddle.” James let out a small laugh at Will trying to look angry but failing because his face was bright red.
„Maybe stop touching my ass then.”
James raised his eyebrows, sliding his hand onto Will’s lower back. He was pretty sure Will didn’t actually mind, but he didn’t want to risk making him uncomfortable. „Well, if you want me to.”
„Yeah, yeah, whatever. We have to record today, can’t just lie around the whole day.” Will mumbled into James’ chest. He wouldn’t admit it out loud but it was a really comfortable position and he could feel himself slipping back to sleep. Especially when James ran his fingers through his hair, scratching his scalp as he hummed in acknowledgment.
„It’s a snacks video anyway, doesn’t matter when we film it.”
„We have to get to Brighton.”
James giggled at Will’s tired tone. „You don’t seem like you want to get up.”
„Shut up.” Will managed to get out with a smile, his eyes closed. „’S just nice when you do that.”
„I know.” James whispered, matching his quiet tone. „It’s okay, you can go back to sleep for a bit, darling.”
If Will wasn’t half asleep, he would freak out at the use of a petname, but his clouded mind wasn’t letting him even register it. He just sighed, felt himself relax and sink further into the body bellow him, and as James continued to tread his fingers through his hair, all he could get out was a hum before falling asleep – this time consciously cuddling James.
-
The next time Will woke up, James was the one asleep. He carefully slipped out of his touch, making sure not to wake him and reached for his phone on the nightstand. He still felt a bit embarrassed about cuddling up to James in the middle of the night, but James didn’t seem to mind, so it didn’t bother him as much.
What he needed to focus on right now were his reactions to anything James does, because there was no way it was normal to feel his whole body burn up whenever he only smiled at him. But Will already knew the answer.
It was kind of simple to look at James now, sleeping peacefully, and realise he may be in love with him.
To Will, it felt like another chapter of their friendship, the way he feels for James only strengthening through the years and culminating into love.
A few years back, Will questioned if James liked him, before accepting that this is just how James acts around the people he cares for.
Now just for a moment, Will let himself imagine James likes him back. That he wants to spend every morning waking up next to him like today. Touch him softly and pepper his face with kisses, like Will wants to do to him. Is there a chance of it being real?
With a sigh, Will opened the message from George he’s been ignoring since yesterday.
George: hey mate im really sorry. i thought about my reaction yesterday and realised it seemed really bad but i didnt mean it like that. could u call me when u feel like it?
Will: call now?
„Who are you texting?” A mumble from James.
Will lifted his gaze and felt his heart melt at the sight of sleepy James rubbing his palm over his cheek.
„Just George, nothing important.”
„You cuddle me for the whole night but then go and text George first thing in the morning? Am I being cheated on?” James joked with a lazy smile. Will furrowed his eyebrows at the younger man and slapped his arm lightly. Before he could reply, the sound of his ringtone spread through the room.
Will contemplated declining the call, because he didn’t want to get up and leave James in his bed, but decided against it. He left George hanging for too long.
„Hey man, are you okay?” Will heard as soon as he raised the phone to his ear.
„Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Sorry for ignoring you yesterday.”
„Mate, I’m the one who should be apologising here. I genuinely don’t care if you’re like that or whatever I was just surprised because I didn’t know. I realised only after that I should’ve probably said something instead of just staring with my mouth hanging open before you ran off.”
„No need to be sorry, probably would’ve done the same if it was you.”
George snorted at that. „I was trying to be nice.”
„Fuck off.”
„So… Noah?”
„What about him?” Will turned to look at James, who was already looking at him. He could definitely hear George in the quiet room, even though the call wasn’t on loud speaker.
„Did you guys fuck?” James’ eyebrows went up at incredible speed and Will flushed red at the questioning look.
„Again, fuck off. And no.”
„No, I swear it looked like you were going to go at it right there against that fence.” It was really obvious that James was trying to hold in a laugh.
„I’m hanging up.” Will groaned.
„Sorr-“ Before George could finish the sentence, Will was already tapping the red button and ending the call. He threw his phone somewhere onto the bed and dropped his head into his hands with another groan. James couldn’t hold it any longer, letting out a loud cackle.
„Didn’t know you were freaky like that.”
„Shut the fuck up.” Will mumbled and stood up from the bed. He didn’t want to talk about a man he made out with for fun with the man he was in love with. It left an empty feeling in his chest, because if James didn’t mind him getting with other people, his feelings were one sided. That hurt him.
It took them quite a while to get ready, but soon they were both sitting in Will’s car on the way to Brighton. James ranted about the making of his new album and how excited he was to see what the fans think of it. Will only listened with a smile on his face. Seeing James happy made him happy too, he was a simple man.
The video they recorded was nothing new, they were trying sour snacks and ranking them. When James brought up the shipping, Will’s heart sank and he spent the whole video denying everything. The thought of people seeing something that probably isn’t there stuck in his mind. They could see that Will was in love, it was obvious now that he knew it himself and it gave him hope – hope that whatever they see in James means the feelings are reciprocated. But if they were right, he didn’t want them to know. He wanted to keep James only to himself, not share any of the moments between them with others.
He leaned into it too much and James noticed, but while the camera was rolling, he didn’t mention it. It was after they packed up and sat down on the sofa with some shitty tv show playing in the background, James brought it up.
„You seemed really bothered by the dating stuff today.”
Will didn’t want to talk about it. How does he tell James it bothers him only because he wants it to be real?
Can it be real?
Thinking back to the morning, to James’ soft smiles and his fingers in Will’s hair as he told him to go back to sleep and not worry about cuddling, it seemed like it could. Every lingering touch, tired sweet words exchanged over the phone, every ‘miss you’ message, late night conversations over a cigarette, soft spoken pet names, the way James looked at him with so much love – could it mean something? Will needed to be very attentive over the next few days, he was going to figure it out. For now, he decided to not acknowledge anything, and let James know something else.
So, he shrugged with a large grin forming on his face. „Do they give out bisexual awards only to musicians or can I get one too for just being bi?”
James didn’t expect that, throwing his head back in a loud laugh. „They should.”
„Yeah, I want one.” Will said, giggling. He felt drunk on happiness as James’ eyes crinkled while looking at him.
It was the stupidest way to come out, if you could call it that, but it was exactly what Will needed. James knew Will made out with a guy a few days ago and that he was reading about bisexuality, but this was the first time Will said it out loud and directly. The shame he felt before was slowly disappearing and he was starting to feel a lot lighter as hope began brewing deep in his stomach.
-
Two weeks passed and somehow Will found himself drunk in the living room of George, Chris and the Arthurs, but only with three of them – Arthur Hill nowhere to be seen. It was an impulsive decision, but when George called him, he accepted the invitation quickly.
In these two weeks Will has been thinking about James a lot. They filmed a lot of videos in this time and Will was testing the waters quite obviously. Even Ieuan noticed and asked him about it, after he made a comment about making James fold.
By now, he was quite sure James liked him. He was just waiting for the right moment to confess. Unfortunately, as he stared at James’ contact name, his drunk mind was telling him maybe now was the right time. He should tell him as soon as possible, right?
Chris leaned over, eyes flicking over Will’s phone as he giggled. „Mate, be honest. Are you shagging James?”
Everyone in the room burst into a laugh, Will included, the alcohol running through their veins and making everything seem funnier than it was.
„I wish.” Will managed to get out between the laugh. A warning sign flashed in his mind, he shouldn’t have said that, but he laughed it off like everyone else.
„I give it two weeks.” Arthur giggled.
„Weeks? I give it two days, brother.” George piped in.
„Cheers to that.” Chris raised his hand with a can of some premixed fruity drink into the air, George and Arthur following him and drinking.
Will shook his head with a grin on his face. Two days? Well, he should let James know about that. „I’m going to call James, be right back.”
Ignoring the calls of his name, he left to the bathroom, the world around him spinning a bit as he sat down on the cold bathroom floor, leaning against the tiles.
It took James two rings to pick up. „What’s up?”
Will giggled into the phone, not quite sure what to say now. He pulled out a vape from the pocket of his trousers and took a hit. „Hi Jim, I miss you.”
„Are you drunk?” The stupidly fond tone of James’ voice was melting Will from the inside.
„How’d you know?”
„’S not hard to tell. Do you need anything?”
Will giggled again, because James knew him so well and he felt he could get high on that feeling alone. „You.”
„What?” James laughed into the phone, amused by Will. This wasn’t the first time he called him drunk.
„I said I need you.” Will repeated, it came out breathless and quiet. He needed James to know how he feels.
James stayed quiet on the other side of the phone for what felt like hours to Will, before speaking again, his voice laced with uncertainty. „What do you mean?”
„George said we’ll be shagging in two days, but I thought I should let you know I love you first, y’know? Before shagging you.”
„Will, you’re drunk. Do you know what you’re saying?” His voice was shaky and Will was starting to panic. Did he read this wrong?
„Do you not want to? I thought you liked me too, I’m sorry. Couldn’t stop thinking about you and needed you to know. Sorry, we can pretend this never happened.” Will began rambling, his words slurred as his brain found it difficult to keep up with the pace.
„Will, stop talking.” James sighed. „Can we talk about this tomorrow when you’re sober? I’ll come over, okay?”
„Oh. Okay.” Nothing could hide the defeated tone of Will’s words, even if he tried.
„Don’t sound so disappointed, you’re not wrong, I just don’t want to talk about this over the phone, darling.”
Oh.
The word darling repeated itself in Will’s head over and over again as he realised what James was saying.
„Are you saying that…?” His voice faded out, not daring to say it out loud.
„Go to bed, I’ll tell you tomorrow.” James’ soft laugh sounded from the speakers as he ended the call.
Will spent the next five minutes staring into the wall of the small bathroom, smiling. He is going to kiss James tomorrow.
-
The confidence from last night disappeared as Will paced in circles around his kitchen the next day. James texted him that he was on his way and nothing else. Anxiety carved its way through his muscles and he felt restless.
What a stupid idea, to drunkenly confess his love for his best friend over the phone.
The jangle of keys unlocking the door broke him out of his thoughts. He gave James a spare key a week ago, because of course he did. He could hear the door open and close and shuffling as James took off his boots.
„Will?” James called out.
„Kitchen.” Will did not move, letting James come to him on his own.
James appeared in the doorway, their eyes locking immediately, neither of them moving. Will’s anxious expression, James’ welcoming gaze.
„Hi.” Will almost whispered, not daring to speak out loud.
„Hey.” James walked closer to him, hand reaching out to Will’s face. His thumb trailed between his eyebrows, smoothing out the lines before settling on Will’s cheek. His touch left behind burns on the skin. „Why are you so worried?”
„Don’t know.”
Will doesn’t know when it happened, but James got too deep under his skin one day, memorised every small habit and was always able to make him feel at ease since.
„Can I get a hug?” Will asked, leaning his head into the touch on his cheek.
„Depends.” James was grinning now, eyes searching all over Will’s face, before settling on his lips and flicking back up to his eyes. „Can I get a kiss first?”
Fireworks exploded inside Will’s stomach as he let his own eyes drop to James’ lips, licking his own.
„You can.” He whispered.
James did not waste any time, closing the remaining space between them and capturing Will’s lips with his own. Both of his hands slid onto Will’s hips, pulling him even closer. Will tangled his hands into James’ hair, kissing him like it was the only thing on this earth he was made for.
James licked into his mouth, their tongues meeting. Will could taste bitter coffee mixed with something that was so incredibly James and it made his head spin with affection.
Without any warning, James picked him up by his thighs, their lips never breaking apart. Will’s surprised yelp was lost between their open mouthed kisses as his legs wrapped around James’ hips.
James carried Will towards the kitchen counter, placing him on top and standing between his legs to still not let any space between them, only then finally breaking apart for air. Will unconsciously chased after his lips before realising and stopping. His whole body was burning up and he couldn’t stop his face from splitting into a grin, mirroring the one on James’ face.
„You want that hug now?” James’ voice came out breathy, deeper than usual.
„Eh, not really.”
„You’re so annoyi–“ Will kissed him again, not letting him finish.