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Darcy had met Johnny Storm at the Maria Stark Foundation’s spring benefit. He had been handsome, charming, an excellent dancer, quick to get her a refill for her champagne.
They had exchanged numbers and a steamy goodnight kiss.
Then there had followed a few days worth of flirty text messages before he took her out for dinner. And one dinner had led to another, had to led to a tumble in the sheets, had led to spending the night at his place several times.
Darcy had found out first-hand just how risky it was to be pressed up against the Human Torch when he orgasmed.
He was sweet, most of the time, if a bit self-absorbed. And he was reckless and Darcy had no interest in being tabloid fodder, which were not entirely compatible traits.
But Johnny had been the first one to refer to what they were doing as ‘dating’ and he had called her his ‘girlfriend’.
Which might go a fair way towards explaining the sheer, all-consuming rage and embarrassment that tore through Darcy when she walked into the Make A Wish fundraiser with Pepper Potts and spotted her “boyfriend” locking lips with another woman.
And it wasn’t as if Johnny hadn’t known that Darcy would be attending with her boss, because there had been a conversation about their mutual attendance but not being one another’s plus-one. Darcy’s only consolation was that her own insecurities had kept her from revealing to anyone other than Jane that she was in a relationship with someone as high-profile as Johnny Storm. So Pepper, perfect, impeccable, flawlessly in-charge-at-all-times Pepper Potts, had no reason to treat Darcy any differently as they swept into the room and Darcy stumbled slightly in her heels.
“Darcy, are you all right?”
Her laugh was a bit strained, but hopefully could be read as ‘slightly pained and embarrassed as a result of turning her ankle’ as opposed to ‘tamping down on hysterical indignation because of my douchenozzle soon-to-be-former boyfriend.’ “Yeah, I’m just a klutz and these are new shoes. I knew I should have scratched up the soles before we left the Tower.”
When Pepper inevitably steered the two of them over towards Johnny to pay their obligatory respects as Avengers-adjacent people to the Fantastic Four, Darcy channeled her emotions into the kind of icy rage that Natasha was known for.
“Darcy, this is Johnny Storm, from the Fantastic Four.”
She cut off his growing smile and enthusiastic greeting with a curt, “We’ve met.” His smile froze, and Darcy relished watching his expression morph from from confusion to awareness to mild horror.
“Hi there, Darcy. Miss Potts. I was…just going to the bar to get something to drink. But it was lovely to see you both.” And then the little prick peeled off towards the bar at speed.
Pepper wrinkled her nose at his retreating back. “That’s odd. Normally I can’t get him to let me leave, he gets so wrapped up in recounting his latest battle. Oh well. We should probably pay our respects to the mayor and his wife.”
JS: Darce, I know you’re mad at me, but can we at least talk about this?
DL: Fuck off, Johnny. You didn’t even try to keep me from seeing you. You wanted an easy out? You got it
JS: So that’s it? You won’t even let me try to explain
DL: There is no explanation you can give, short of alien mind control, that is going to make me forgive and forget seeing you playing tonsil hockey with a lingerie model and sticking your hand on her ass at a public event that you knew I would be attending with my boss
He never bothered responding to that.
Within a matter of days, Johnny Storm’s whirlwind romance with the lingerie model and aspiring actress was all over the tabloids and superhero blogs and twitter accounts that Darcy was obligated to read as part of her job.
And so it was entirely possible that Darcy, in a fit of pique, had written a short song in his honor in between reading said blog posts and articles.
VERSE 1: Maybe I'm just crazy, maybe I'm a fool
Maybe I don't know how to love but maybe I do
Maybe you know more than me but this much is true
This little heart and brain of mine say: we’re through with you
BRIDGE: And I wonder does it blow your mind that I'm leaving you far behind
I wonder does it stop your heart to know, you’re not my “sunshine” anymore
CHORUS: Okay you're pretty, your face is a work of art
Your smile could light up New York City after dark
Okay you're cover boy pretty, stamped with a beauty mark
But it's such a pity a boy so pretty with an ugly heart
It was possible that, in a further, slightly tipsy fit of pique, she had recorded an honest-to-God demo of the song that night with her clumsily strumming guitar.
It was also hypothetically possible that, after having consumed an entire bottle of wine, she had submitted the demo anonymously to one of those superhero blogs on tumblr under the title “fuck you, Johnny Storm, and your singed off pubic hair too.”
She had very promptly moved on from that (ill-advised) maneuver in favor of more wine and store-bought cookie dough and old episodes of Law and Order.
When she awoke on her couch the next morning feeling like a miniature Hulk was trying to beat his way out of the inside of her skull, she had completely forgotten about any vengeance-related shenanigans from the night before and had dragged herself to the bathroom to brush her teeth and toss back several Advil and a huge glass of water.
Her idiocy did not come back up until she was seated at her desk and scrolling through her requisite set of media in search of the latest on Avengers-related news. And there, on one of her favorite independently-run blogs was an audio file with a troublingly familiar name. She surreptitiously plugged in her headphones and listened to the first few seconds to confirm her suspicions and then promptly ripped them out of her ears. The post hadn’t accumulated too many notes yet, and she could only hope it would stay that way, because she couldn’t delete it herself and couldn’t ask for it to be deleted without somehow proving it was hers.
What Darcy hadn’t realized was just how many jilted lovers a man like Johnny Storm had scattered around the world, or how many of them had nursed those grudges instead of developing some kind of apathy towards him. The next time the post popped up, the number of notes had skyrocketed into the quadruple digits. She hyperventilated for several long minutes and logged out of tumblr, hoping that she could at least trawl through her twitter feed safely.
The next morning, Darcy was forced to confront the reality that Johnny Storm had seriously pissed off an obscene number of people, whether directly or indirectly, including an actual musician. An actual musician who had taken Darcy’s clearly amateur demo and created a fully-developed dance anthem out if it. A musician who had gone and turned it into something so catchy that it had been reblogged to most of the major superhero-related tumblrs overnight, along with a few other websites that were mere degrees away from national news.
Darcy let out a desperate keening noise and banged her head against her desk.
“I am never drinking again.”
When she walked into the common area on Saturday morning, most of the team was watching a segment on Today from their positions on the couch or at the breakfast bar.
“But which one of the Human Torch’s former flames is responsible for the latest internet sensation? So far, the woman scorned has remained anonymous and Mr. Storm has been unable to shed any light on her identity.”
Clint groaned and threw a cheerio at the tv. “How many puns are they going to cram into this one segment?”
Darcy watched in horror as a video montage started to play, backed by her song (the professional version, thank god, so it wasn't her voice). Apparently, said musician had made a homemade music video with their band, interspersed with footage of Johnny Storm with a parade of mostly nameless women, Johnny Storm nude in public after an accidental flame-out, and generally any embarrassing footage of Johnny Storm that was available to the public.
“I’ve got to say, the song is surprisingly catchy,” said Sam from his spot at the breakfast bar.
Tony called out, “Yeah, but is no one else weirded out by the resemblance between the Torch and Cap over there?”
Steve spluttered out something indignant to Tony as the segment on the tv came to a close. Natasha sidled up to where Darcy was standing frozen in the middle of the living room. “Is there a reason you look like you’re about to throw up?”
“Ngghhh.”
Natasha tilted her head to one side and looked between Darcy and the tv. “Please tell me you did not go out with that moron?”
And then Darcy was laughing hysterically and everyone was staring at her, including Natasha, who had a look of dawning comprehension on her face. She promptly manhandled Darcy out of the room and into the elevator.
“You?”
Darcy nodded. “I was drunk! And angry. And he was such a douche canoe! And then it somehow got totally out of hand because apparently a lot of people out there don’t like Johnny Storm.” She looked Natasha in the eye. “Like a lot of people. So many.”
Natasha nodded in agreement. “Any chance it will get traced back to you?”
Darcy flailed gracelessly. “I don’t think so? I submitted it anonymously to a tumblr with no identifying information. But Johnny could probably figure out it was me, especially if he listened to the original audio file with my voice on it.”
Natasha ushered her out of the elevator and headed for Darcy’s apartment. “You will take me to your computer and I will make sure it cannot be definitively traced back to you.”
“Oh my god, I love you.”
Family dinner that night was destined to be awkward, because everyone had witnessed Darcy’s near breakdown that morning, but did not actually know why Darcy was hysterical. But Natasha had worked her computer magic and had listened sympathetically to Darcy as she explained the whole sordid tale, and poured vodka into a teacup for Darcy before she left to test an updated version of her Widow’s Bites before dinner.
So bolstered, Darcy waltzed into the common area that night on a mission. Once everyone had settled into their seats, with heaping plates of food in front of them, Darcy cleared her throat and gathered everyone’s attention.
“Ok, I know that all of you are probably at least slightly concerned about what happened this morning in the common room.” Steve and Thor were earnestly nodding, and Tony looked like a bloodhound on a scent. The man loved drama. “So, long story short, I wrote that song about Johnny Storm. Because he is a jerk. And in a moment of alcohol-fueled rage, I uploaded that song to the internet anonymously. And then it turned into a viral thing, which I totally did not intend. But Natasha did some spy stuff, so it probably will never be connected back to me, or, by extension, to the Avengers.”
Pepper gasped from her seat next to Tony. “Wait, were you—the Make A Wish thing—when we?”
Darcy nodded solemnly.
Tony’s gaze was snapping back and forth between them. “What was that? What just happened? None of those things were complete thoughts.”
Darcy threw her hands up in the hair. “Fine! Let us complete the cycle of my humiliation. We broke up after I saw Johnny making out with another woman at the Make A Wish fundraiser, even though he knew I was going to be there with Pepper.”
There was a loud crack of thunder outside the Tower. “Thor, my man, I appreciate that you are indignant on my behalf, and I love you, but you guys have to work with the Fantastic Four sometimes in your efforts to save the world, which is why I was trying to keep this on the downlow. So no lightning bolts will be directed at a certain former flame of mine.”
“But he has treated you most ill!”
“And I am a big girl who chose to start a relationship with someone who had a reputation for not sticking around very long. I am angry because I deserved more respect from someone who claimed to care about me, but I don’t want a few weeks of my life to get blown out of proportion and cause a rift between the very people responsible for the well-being of this planet.”
She pointedly glared at everyone else at the table. “Have I made myself clear?”
When she felt she had sufficiently made her point (and her cheeks were flaming, oh dear god that was awful) she sat back down. “Tony, please, regale us with the tale of your latest lab explosion so everyone will stop staring at me.”
"As you wish, Lewis."
When Steve’s shield just so happened to clip Johnny Storm’s shoulder on their next joint mission with the Fantastic Four, Darcy rolled her eyes but didn’t say anything.
When Johnny’s phone went off in the middle of a press conference with her song as his ringtone, Darcy had turned a suspicious glance at Tony. He shook his head and pointed up to the ceiling. Darcy very politely asked JARVIS not meddle with the Fantastic Four’s tech in the future. She hoped that she was imagining the reluctance in his voice when he agreed.
When Natasha “accidentally” kicked Johnny in the groin in full view of the news cameras, Darcy had laughed until she cried and then very seriously reiterated her request to the team to stop beating up on the Human Torch.
When the Hulk stepped directly into his path while Johnny was in mid-air, sending him veering off-course and into a tree, Darcy threw up her hands and surrendered.