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"Dad, happy birthday!"
For a moment, all Noctis could do was stare.
The kitchen was a mess- that was the only fair way to describe it. There was pancake batter everywhere- including, somehow, on the ceiling. Rin's hands and apron were still covered with the sticky substance, and there was a good dusting of flour in Yukio's hair. Shiro had the worst of it- there was flour all over his cassock, and batter clinging to his hair.
...what the hell happened here?
"We made you pancakes!" Rin cheerfully reported. "Uncle Shiro helped!"
"Uncle Shiro did most of the work," Yukio provided, "-actually."
"Ssh, Yukio!" Rin made a loud attempt to hush his brother. "Don't tell him that!"
Shiro just let out a bark of laughter, ruffling their hair. "These two said you always make them pancakes on their birthdays, so they really wanted to do it for you too."
...oh right. It was his (fake) birthday.
Shaking his head, Noctis shook off his stupor. He'd practically dragged himself out of bed, but at least he was wide awake now. Crouching down in front of them, he gave the twins' hair a good ruffle of his own. They'd just celebrated their birthday alongside Christmas this past December, so they were five years old now.
...which meant he'd actually been twenty for a little over three months now.
(Had he thought about it at all until now? Nope!)
"Thanks, you two," Noctis said, "-now go wash up! You're a mess!"
"Okay!" Rin said. "C'mon Yukio!"
"Yeah," Yukio nodded, "-happy birthday, dad."
"Yeah, thanks!" Noctis beamed.
He watched as the twins headed upstairs, Rin taking the steps two at a time, while Yukio climbed up them like a reasonable person. He smiled, remembering the way he'd done the same thing when he was Rin's age.
No shit. They were the same person.
"Don't worry about the mess," Shiro said, "-I'll clean it up."
"What about everyone else's breakfast?" Noctis asked.
"I can handle that much!" Shiro laughed. "Now, eat up! The twins worked hard to make those for you."
"Okay, okay," Noctis said, "-you don't have to tell me."
The pancakes were slightly burnt and misshapen, but he hadn't been much better when he'd started cooking. The flavor was... a little bland, he thought. They'd forgotten the salt.
"Well?" Shiro glanced over his shoulder. "The best pancakes in the world, right?"
("Thank you, Rin! They're the best pancakes in the world!")
Noctis huffed. Oh, right- he'd made pancakes for Shiro once, when he was a little older than the twins were now. He'd been... seven? He'd forgotten all about it until now. He'd made them all by himself, and had ended up just as covered in flour as Yukio had been. Looking back, they'd been undercooked, but Shiro had still praised them.
"Yeah," Noctis agreed, "-the best in the world."
Shiro laughed, going back to scrubbing the counter. Nagatomo wandered into the kitchen with a yawn, pausing to stare at the mess before just shaking his head. He proceeded to start a pot of coffee, as the rest of the monastery gradually came to life.
It had almost been a year since he'd come to live here again.
Rin and Yukio had gotten used to living here- even Yukio, who was still shy at this age, had warmed up to everyone. It was a bit weird to hear them call Shiro Uncle Shiro, but he was glad they had him in their lives. He had never been the perfect father, but he'd always done the best he could.
...he understood that now more than ever.
"You have any plans for tonight?"
Noctis blinked, glancing over at Shiro. "Just the usual."
Provided Mephisto didn't drop a last minute mission in his lap or anything, that was. Well, he was letting him stay in this time period, so he guessed he couldn't complain too much.
"Cancel the usual!" Shiro said. "I'm taking you drinking tonight!"
Noctis just stared up at him. "...hah?"
"You're twenty years old now!" Shiro said. "An adult! I used to have a friend that would take all the new recruits to the bar once they turned twenty. Now it's my turn!"
A friend? Ah... he probably meant Rick.
...but an adult? Him? Honestly, it didn't feel real. Sure, there had been a time when he hadn't even planned to go, but in the end, he'd never even finished a single year of high school. He had a job now, but it wasn't like he'd earned it or anything.
("If my teasing frustrates you, then show me you've grown up.")
...in the end, he hadn't been able to show him anything.
"Nah," Noctis said, "-I'll pass."
Shiro laughed, ruffling his hair. He went stiff as a board underneath his touch, feeling a bit like a deer in headlights. When was the last time he'd done that?
"Don't be like that," Shiro said, "-well, I won't force you if you don't want to go. But you need to spend your free time on yourself every once in awhile!"
...for himself?
Come to think of it, when was the last time he'd done anything truly for himself? He spent most of his time taking care the twins or on missions- and when he wasn't doing that, he was cooking for everyone, teaching Shura, or teaching himself more about swordsmanship.
...but did he really deserve to?
No, he didn't. After what he'd done...
Scratching his head, he heaved a sigh. But well... it would make the old man happy if he could carry on Rick's legacy. He guessed he could indulge him this once.
"Fine," Noctis said, "-I guess I can go with you."
"Great!" Shiro beamed, giving his back a firm pat. "You won't regret it!"
Noctis huffed. He wasn't sure about that- the last time he'd had alcohol, he'd gotten drunk off a single sip. But he'd been fifteen then! Surely his alcohol tolerance had improved since then, right?
Yeah. Definitely.
Noctis hiccuped.
Huh, Shiro thought, he definitely hadn't seen this coming.
He would have thought that having enough demon blood to have horns and a tail would have given Noctis a high tolerance for alcohol- but if anything, the opposite seemed true. He hadn't even gotten halfway through his first beer before his cheeks had started to flush red- a sure sign of being drunk.
That was, if the rambling hadn't given it away first.
"-and Mephisto!" Noctis pounded his glass against the table, glaring at him. "That jerk and his stupid... instant ramen banquets. He had a butler that could cook all along, damnit!"
Belial could cook? Huh. You learned something new every day.
Noctis' tail lashed behind him in an almost comical manner. He'd started the night with it hidden underneath his shirt, but as soon as he'd had a little alcohol, it had come right out. He was glad he'd chosen a bar that was frequented by the Order.
...though Noctis was probably already too drunk to notice any gawking.
"Right, right," Shiro nodded a head, "-he's a real jerk, alright."
Noctis slumped over on the table, pressing his forehead against it- or as much as he could, when he had horns that got in the way.
"...he's a stupid jerk, but I owe him."
Shiro arched a brow. That was news to him. He couldn't imagine what Noctis could possibly owe to that clown, when as far as he could tell, all he'd done for him was have him created as a convenient cover story for children that hadn't even been born yet- and then forcing them on him when he was only sixteen years old.
Couldn't he have made him a little earlier?
"Yeah?" Shiro asked.
"Yeah," Noctis said, "-he's still a shitty clown, though."
Shiro laughed. He couldn't dispute that!
"...I grew up without everyone."
Shiro blinked, looking down at Noctis curiously. "Everyone?"
But he only got a loud snore in response. Huffing slightly, Shiro shook his head. His eyes were still half open, but he was definitely asleep. Rin had the same ugly sleeping face. Was it some kind of Azazel group trait he wasn't aware of?
(He didn't do it, he knew- nor did Yukio. Maybe it had something to do with their demon blood?)
"Everyone, huh..." Shiro said, "-yeah. I understand that."
He missed everyone too, in the end. It went without saying that he missed Yuri- not a day passed that he didn't still think of her. But he missed Rick, and Kurobe, and all the others that he'd known that had died during the Blue Night. They'd lost countless exorcists that night-
-and now he was helping raise the kid who'd helped do part of it.
Funny how life worked sometimes.
Finishing his beer, Shiro paid the bartender. The night hadn't ended up being a very long one, but that wasn't really the point. It took a little effort, but he managed to get Noctis on his back. He was definitely drooling on his shoulder, but well... that was fine.
He hoped this had helped him unwind, at least a little.
He was always doing things for other people- for the twins, for everyone at the monastery... but also for Shura. He huffed, recalling his shock when he'd come down for dinner to find her sitting at the table, like for all the world she belonged there. And maybe in another world, she might have- in hindsight, he'd dropped the ball with her in ways he wasn't sure he could ever fully apologize for.
She deserved better. He was glad she was getting that.
(Maybe she wouldn't have to stumble over the finish line into adulthood, half-formed and full of cracks.)
Noctis' tail curled around his waist. Shiro snorted. What was he, a damn cat? Or maybe a monkey would be a more apt comparison in this instance.
His body was so warm, he wished he hadn't worn his coat.
"...old man," Noctis muttered, "-sorry."
Talking in his sleep? He didn't know much about Noctis' past, really- just that he'd been removed from Section 13 early on as a defect, if he took Mephisto's words at face value. From what little he'd gleaned, he'd been put under the care of another exorcist whose name he didn't know- Noctis only ever referred to him oyaji.
But it couldn't be more clear that he thought of him as his father.
Shiro huffed. Well, he was glad one of them got to have one.
He didn't think this old man was around anymore, though. Probably another casualty of the Blue Night. He hoped for Noctis' sake, he didn't have to see it.
...maybe he should go lay flowers on Fujimoto's grave tomorrow.
In hindsight, the man had tried to open up his world long before Yuri had stuck her foot in the door and shoved it open- but he hadn't been interested in listening. He regretted that now- he didn't think it would have saved him, but he wished he'd had the chance to properly tell him how much he'd appreciated it.
Well, not that he'd known that at the time either.
He made his way back to the monastery, knocking on the door with his foot. Nagatomo just arched a brow when he opened the door, but let him in without a word. Shiro carried Noctis upstairs to his bedroom- disturbing Kuro's nap in the process.
He carefully set him down on his bed, and stepped back.
Phew. Noctis was lighter than he should be, but he was definitely getting old if carrying him a few blocks had taken this much out of him. He watched as Kuro leapt up onto Noctis' bed with him, sniffing at his face before he curled up by his chest.
Shiro huffed, before turning off the lights and closing the door. He paused outside the twins' bedroom- the door was slightly ajar, for Yukio's sake. He peeked inside, chuckling to himself at the way Rin was half out of his bed, with one eye cracked open in his sleep.
Yukio stirred, peeking one eye open.
"...dad?"
"Nah," Shiro kept his voice quiet, "-just me. Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."
"...oh," Yukio yawned, "-good night, Uncle Shiro."
"Yeah, good night." Shiro said.
Yukio curled back up underneath his covers, dozing back off again. Rin slept like a brick, but Yukio was a much lighter sleeper in comparison. Heading downstairs, he briefly considered digging out his cigarettes to have a smoke, but decided against it.
Yuri would probably be happy he'd finally kicked the habit, heh.
He woke with a jolt.
Sitting up in bed, Noctis ran a hand through his hair. Ugh. He had a pounding headache, right between his horns. Was it because Shiro had taken him drinking last night? He didn't remember anything.
Pressing a hand against his head, he staggered out of bed. The monastery was still quiet, so it was probably early. Yawning, he trudged down the stairs. He'd drink a glass of water and then get started on breakfast. He'd gotten some good fish for cheap for yesterday, so he could make...
...the kitchen wasn't empty.
Yukio sat at the table, alone in the dark- but it wasn't the kid he'd raised these past five years. Taking a stumbling step forward, Noctis stared at his twin in disbelief. Huh? That wasn't possible. He was-
"-dead?"
Noctis pivoted on his heel. Huh? When had Yukio gotten behind him?
He was still dressed like he was when he last saw him- wearing the True Cross Order's winter gear, with some kind of special cloak with divine protection over it. Except...
...he didn't remember it being this bloody.
His glasses were cracked, one of the lenses completely shattered. His left eye was covered in blood, and his right stared at him with the milky blindness of death. He smelled like rot, his body both decayed and badly burned.
("Don't worry, nii-san. I'll catch up.")
"...Yukio?"
"Nii-san," Yukio stumbled forward, half dragging a shattered leg behind him, "-what do you think you're doing?"
"What- I'm trying to fix things!" Noctis yelled.
"Fix things?" Yukio laughed. "And who broke them in the first place?"
Noctis took a step back. Who?
"It was you, Okumura."
Noctis turned on his heel, staring behind him. He barely recognized Suguro- not when half of his skull was caved in, one eye hanging loosely from its socket. His remaining eye was filled with hatred, glaring at him with the kind of loathing he'd only ever reserved for Satan.
("Hurry! Before it collapses completely!")
"Suguro, I-!"
"I knew it," Suguro said, "-I never should have believed in you."
Noctis stumbled backwards, staring up at the decaying faces of the pair. The monastery was a ruined shell of itself now- the ceiling had caved in, and there were scorch marks on the remaining walls. The world outside was soundless.
Empty.
"You really were a threat."
Jerking his head to the side, Noctis stared at Konekomaru. His left arm was mangled beyond recognition, his left eye socket empty of its resident. He was looking at him with the same fear he'd seen in his eyes on the train to Kyoto.
("-trap! You have to get out of there!")
"No, Konekomaru! I-!"
"No?" Konekomaru asked. "Then what happened to the world, Okumura-kun?"
Noctis snapped his mouth shut. They were right. He knew they were. The world was like because this because of him. Because he'd-
"I knew it. I should have sided with the Illuminati after all."
Noctis slowly dragged his gaze towards Shima. There was a gaping hole in his stomach- and despite the fact that his eyes had been burnt out of his skull, he could still feel him looking at him.
("...I guess Koneko's not here to bring my ashes home anymore.")
Noctis clenched his fists, unable to even say anything to that.
"Oh? Nothing to say?" Shima asked. "I guess even you shut up sometimes."
"...I'm sorry," Noctis said, "-I know I failed, but-"
"-failed? You did worse than just fail."
Slowly turning on his heel, Noctis swallowed hard at the sight of Izumo. She was sitting on the burnt kitchen table, her eyeless head sitting in her lap, severed from her neck.
("Hurry! You three have to-!")
"It's your fault," Izumo said, "-so why are you the only one who got to become an adult?"
"I'm sorry," Noctis said, "-I didn't mean to leave you all behind!"
"But you did."
Noctis froze, unable to even force himself to turn around. He could feel Shiemi's disdain without even looking at her- her eyes boring holes in the back of his head.
("It's okay, Rin. I have to do this.")
"You were right," Shiemi said, "-you are a monster."
Staring down at the floor, Rin clenched his fists. That's right- he was a monster. What right did he have to escape death? To grow up when no one else had the chance? They'd all died fighting to save the world, but in the end...
...he was the one who'd destroyed it.
Not Satan. Not Lucifer. Him.
The floor underneath his feet rippled, turning into a vast inky blackness- but from within, Rin could see thousands of eyes staring back at him. There were thousands of corpses floating underneath the surface all staring up at him. He stared back, even as they began to grab at his legs, pulling him downwards.
Yeah. This was fine.
Closing his eyes, he let them drag him downwards into what was surely hell. What was even the point? Change the future? How could he do that when he was the one who had destroyed everything in the first place? It should have been someone else. Yukio or Suguro, or-
"Rin!"
Just as he was about to be dragged under, someone grabbed his hand. Slowly lifting his head, he looked up at them- but they were as radiant as the sun, so he couldn't make out their features. Their nails bit into his skin as they pulled with all their might.
It's okay. Just let him rest. He was so tired.
"No!" They said. "Don't say that! None of us hate you, Rin!"
There was no way that was true. They'd all pinned their hopes on him, and he'd turned out to be exactly the kind of monster everyone always said he was. What was he supposed to do now?
"Just live!" They said. "It's alright for you to live!"
...was it really?
With a grunt, the bright figure planted their feet into the ground and pulled with all their might- and the empty world turned vibrant, blooming wildly with plants and flowers that he didn't even know the name of. The hands that grasped him from within the abyss slowly faded, allowing the bright figure to finally pull him free.
Their hands cupped his face, almost painfully gentle.
"It's okay, Rin," Shiemi smiled, "-just live."
He closed his eyes against her brightness-
-and opened them again in the dark of his room.
Kuro was frantically licking at his face, exclaiming in relief as he woke up. He slowly sat up, staring at the charm he was clutching- only vaguely hearing Kuro's explanation of how he'd retrieved it from his desk for him.
...the four leaf clover charm was glowing.
He grasped it tight, feeling its warmth spread through his body. Like a dam breaking, he began to cry- everything that he'd been holding in all this time. He'd done this once before, in the middle of a supermarket of all places, but he'd barely even scratched the surface of his grief then.
How could he? His grief was what turned him into a monster.
But Shiemi had told him to live.
Clutching the charm to his chest, Rin finally let himself grieve.
"...morning."
Noctis stumbled into the kitchen, much later than he usually did. He was in a phase of growing out his hair again, so his bedhead was worse than usual. There was no way to miss how red his eyes were, like he'd spent the night crying.
Kuro trailed in after him, the cat sidhe sticking close.
...something had definitely happened, Shiro thought.
"You okay?" Shiro asked. "You look like hell."
"Headache," Noctis muttered, pressing his head against the table, "-hurts."
Yeah, combining a hangover with a crying session would do that to you. Shiro set down a tall glass of water in front of Noctis, who gave him a grunt of thanks. He gulped it down, rubbing the space between his horns with a finger.
"Want to talk about it?" Shiro asked.
"...nah," Noctis said, "-I'll be okay."
Shiro's gaze lingered on him for a long moment, before shrugging. Somehow he got the feeling that he wasn't lying. If there was one thing he'd come to understand about Noctis over the past year, it was that he was loathe to admit any kind of real vulnerability. He hid everything behind that cheerful grin of his instead.
In a way, it was promising that he wasn't.
"Nagatomo went ahead and took the twins to preschool for you," Shiro informed him, "-well, don't worry. We just told 'em that dad got a little too drunk last night!"
The very tip of Noctis' tail twitched in annoyance.
"...thanks," he said, "-sorry. I slept in."
"Don't worry about it!" Shiro laughed. "Here, eat up. It's probably not as good as yours, but even I can make scrambled eggs and bacon."
Noctis dug in, the tip of his tail flicking back and forth against the floor. Kuro sat in the chair next to him, watching him intently- like he thought he would disappear if he so much as took his eyes off of him. With a huff, Shiro pet the cat sidhe's head.
He had a good familiar.
"Sorry," Noctis said after a moment, "-I passed out, didn't I?"
Shiro just laughed. "It's fine! But you really can't hold your alcohol, huh?"
Noctis' brow twitched in irritation. "Shut up. You're supposed to be a priest."
"You've got me there!" Shiro said, folding his arms in front of him. "Oh, that's right. I forgot to ask yesterday. Is there anything you want to as a gift? Your twentieth birthday only comes around once!"
Noctis blinked, like he hadn't expected the question.
"...nah," he finally said, "-you've already given me one."
Shiro hummed, stroking his chin in thought. Had he? He didn't remember giving him anything in particular. He'd just invited them to come live with him. Was he in that much of a hurry to get away from the clown?
"That so?" Shiro asked. "Well, let me know if you change your mind."
"Actually... there is one thing," Noctis said after a moment, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck, "-uh. I want to try taking the high school equivalence exam. Could you... help me study? When you have the time?"
Shiro blinked- then smiled.
"I don't mind," he said, "-but why the sudden interest? I don't think the twins would care that much if their dad hasn't graduated high school."
"Nah," Noctis said, "-it's uh, for me."
For himself?
Heh. He liked the sound of that.