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The more you get hurt by someone, the better the good moments with them feel, that’s how it goes, right? Worst thing, it’s not even something they should be upset about. He doesn’t have to respond… but it hurts.
They just want to feel important, seen and understood, but Aira was avoiding them, which hurt even more than the original issue.
But it’s okay. Hinata is happy that Aira isn’t forcing himself to talk to them… all they wished for was communication, all they wished for was knowing that Aira wasn’t plotting to leave them, but they can’t have any of that right now… they just have to wait, for however long Aira decides to unintentionally and unknowingly torture them.
Niki and Hiiro aren’t home… the latter being the reason Aira is avoiding them in the first place. But Hinata doesn’t blame him for anything, he communicated properly, made sure Hinata knew he won’t leave and all.
They grabbed their knife, Rinne gifted it to them, seemingly decorated by someone in craftmonster, but only Rinne was crazy enough to gift a personalized pocket knife to an actively suicidal person. They had promised to put it to good use, which they’re doing now, slowly dragging the blade across their skin right after carefully pulling up their shorts’ pant leg just a bit more.
They tried to make sure to stay inside the area that would be covered by their shorts, but they had been crying and the feeling of the blood dripping down their thigh and their lower leg that they were sitting on distracted them enough to quickly forget about that.
Aira had almost left their mind at that point. So… so close to just enough distraction, but he was still there, in the back of their mind. He won’t leave them alone, no matter what they do (which might seem like a good thing- but it doesn’t change anything about the fact that the real Aira would probably want them dead).
He’d want to see them bleed. They just know it. He would love to have someone literally bleed for him. Especially if that person happens to be their girlfriend that he just had an argument with. Aira would love to see them bleed and be this in distress about him potentially leaving them to battle their emotions like this. They just knew it.
All they ever wanted was to make Aira happy. They’re too much of a failure to do that, and it’s clear. So very clear now. They will never be able to make anyone happy. They will never truly be loved. Not even by their boyfriend. Not even by their boyfriend who loves almost everyone. The level of failure they are at this point should be illegal.
Blood was still dripping. What else is new. They deserve it, they deserve the pain. They deserve the shame and the feeling of rejection. They deserve everything that they’re going through.
Still no fucking response. They got annoyed, honestly. He couldn’t even take the time to respond, which has to mean that he hates them. They want to send another message, begging him to stay and talk to them, but they know they shouldn’t.
Their feelings are too much to handle, they feel everything and nothing at the same time, but the everything is too much, and the nothing is not nearly enough. So much going on, but not enough. Too much blood. But. Not. Enough. They have to bleed more, they have to see themself bleed.
Maybe it’s punishment for their behavior, that’s what it is… they fucked up, so now they have to pay for that by abusing themself.
Maybe it’s because they hope that Aira will take them back, knowing how much they’d sacrifice for him. Knowing they’d sacrifice themself for him.
Maybe it’s just distraction. Keeping their mind off of texting again, or doing even worse to themself.
Maybe it’s all of the above.
Maybe… it’s because the red reminds them of their roommate. The one that… suddenly just happened to stand in the door frame, staring at the… crime scene with confused eyes. Hinata wants to hide, they don’t want him of all people to see them like this… they start crying again. The guilt, that was already too much to bear, got even worse. So. Much. Worse. How could they let this happen..? Hiiro shouldn’t see them like this…
“… you okay..?” He knew the answer, but didn’t know what else to say in this situation.
Hinata nodded, praying that Hiiro would believe it was just an accident, even after literally seeing them dig the blade into their own skin.
They tried to get up. Slightly stumbling to the kitchen to get a few paper towels to clean up the blood… somehow they were stupid enough to not have those ready yet.
“How’s Aira?” Hinata managed to ask, clearly still sobbing from guilt and rejection.
Hiiro nodded this time, and explained a bit about the date they just had.. without them. He also apologized, said he wanted to invite them but Aira needed some time away from Hinata, which only hurt them more. They understood, but it hurt.
After wrapping the last few cuts carefully, and finally calming down a bit… Hiiro took them to his bed, it was getting late and neither of them really had the energy to clean up the blood from Hinata’s sheets. They clung onto him. Making sure he won’t leave. Making sure he’ll never leave. Hiiro pat their head, which made them break down in tears again, so much guilt consumed them, with no other way to express it properly. Snuggling their face into Hiiro’s chest, and, just.. crying. Still not knowing whether or not Aira is planning to leave them or not. They’ll see in the morning... maybe. If Aira decides to text back by then.