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I remember that night—a sleepless one, like so many others. I stepped into the main hall, hoping to catch sight of her drinking wine as she had the other night. But what greeted me was only silence and a cold stillness. How many days has it been since I last saw her? The little girl who used to trail behind me day after day—now she is nowhere to be found.
I even went to the masters’ quarters, but she was not there either. Could she have gotten herself into trouble again? Or… has something happened to her? No, everything must be fine. After all, she is Sujini. She’ll show up tomorrow, with that mischievous smile that always makes me laugh. Yes, it must be so.
“Where have you been?”
I asked, but she gave no reply. From the moment she appeared in that strange dress—I have no idea where she got it from—she simply helped me put on my armor in silence. And then, she suddenly embraced me. Unconsciously, I held her hands tightly.
“Say something. Your silence is what’s most suspicious.”
“Just a little longer… Let me stay like this a little longer.”
She held me tighter, as if trying to convey something unspeakable. What must I do to get her to tell me what she’s hiding? I know this girl—she is not the type to stay silent. Something must have happened.
Then, I heard a sob.
“Are you crying?”
I wanted to turn around and look at her, but she kept clinging tightly to me.
“Who said you could hug the King from behind like that?”
Hesitantly, she let go so I could turn and see her small face. She returned to me my mother’s keepsake, mumbled a few cryptic words, and was about to leave. I quickly grabbed her arm. What is it she wants me to remember?
“If you’re going to speak, then speak clearly.”
“How can a drunk speak clearly?”
“You are always beautiful, even without that dress. Is that enough for you?”
I meant every word. I have seen her with many different faces—even with dirt-streaked cheeks on the battlefield, she was beautiful. A beauty that stood out amidst the dust and chaos, under the pressure of encircling enemies.
“I should go now.”
But I couldn’t let her go. I had a feeling—if I let go of her now, I might never see her again.
“Please… let me go.”
Sujini tried to force a smile, even as tears streamed endlessly down her cheeks. Still not understanding what was happening, I let her go.
“Training is soon. Don’t be late. The archery team is waiting for you.”
Was I reminding her… or was I just giving myself a reason to believe I’d see her again?
“I know.”
“Your Majesty, you probably don’t realize… but there’s a lovely scent behind you.”
And with that, Sujini turned and walked away, leaving me with a strange, unnameable feeling. Somehow, I felt like I should have done something. Like I was letting something important slip away. But I did nothing. It’ll be fine, I told myself, and buried myself once more in matters of state, ignoring the unease slowly blooming within me.
I was furious. It was absurd! The masters who had raised Sujini all these years—were they truly going to kill her over something still unproven? What crime has she committed? I was angry at my own inability to search for her myself. Angry that I am a king—“unable to let personal feelings interfere with state matters.”
She had stayed by my side for so long, my most trusted companion, the one I could confide in, who had risked life and death with me. And now, I couldn’t even protect her. I only hoped that the Governor of Gwanmi could find her before it was too late.
Another sleepless night. These long, dragging nights have become my closest companions. When I close my eyes, I see her again—draped in that unfamiliar dress, hugging me tightly. I remember her words, her gestures, the tears that traced down her flushed cheeks. I miss her more than I ever thought I would.
I drown myself in work to suppress the longing, yet I still allow myself to think of her whenever I can. Then the thought comes—after all this time with no word from her… could it be…?
What if Sujini no longer exists in this world…?
My heart clenches at that thought. My mind recoils, denying it—No, that cannot be. But in that still moment, I realized just how much her existence means to me.
Why did I never see it before? Why did it take her vanishing for me to finally understand her heart… and my own?
I had fallen in love with her—without even realizing when.
After what happened with the other woman, I shut my heart away. I had to become a true king, and that meant distancing myself from anything frivolous. But that was just an excuse. In truth, I was afraid. Afraid my heart would break once more.
And during that time, Sujini had always been by my side. I used her presence to distract my aching heart, but slowly… I grew too used to having her around. My eyes would instinctively seek her out on the battlefield. But thinking back, I had been watching her ever since we first met in that gambling den.
How many times has she made me laugh? I don’t even remember. But being with her… always felt so natural. And now, I don’t think of the other woman anymore. Nor do I force myself to forget her as I once did. The pain is no longer the same.
In time, we became close companions. But I feared that if I developed feelings for her—and she didn’t feel the same—I would ruin the peace we had. Sujini had become such a constant in my life, that it wasn’t until she left my arms that I realized how much I needed her.
Like someone who takes their daily food and water for granted—only realizing their worth when there’s nothing left. Perhaps now, I am that very person.