Chapter Text
James was the king of overthinking and ruminating, he’d do it for hours, just laying on his floor staring at the ceiling or out the window thinking and thinking. Sometimes he’d go so into thinking he’d work himself up into a panicked state, other times he’d finally get somewhere and feel more relaxed.
Not this time though. He had been on his own for going on three weeks now, with Will traveling to the US for a video. It’s not that he didn’t have any other friends, James somehow was able to make friends with anyone, he had a plethora of friends to call up and have a chat with, go out for lunch with, even just sit and chill with. but none of them were Will Lenney.
If anything, James felt guilty for his feelings, not because he was insecure with his and Will’s relationship, nor because he wasn’t making an effort to get out of this slump - because he was. But he felt guilty that out of all these people he calls friends, he knew deep down that the only one who could truly quiet his brain right now would be Will.
He couldn’t call him though, Will was in a comply different time zone and probably asleep, or filming, he didn’t want to disrupt him. But he layed there on his floor waiting for Will to magically know he needed him, because he always does someone. He always reaches out at the right time, whether that be a call or a text or a knock at the door, it’s like their minds are connected and they just know when the other needs them.
James waited and waited and waited, long into the evening after trying to distract himself through every means possible; he tried cleaning the house, doing laundry, going for a walk, watching a film with Otto, playing guitar, everything he could think of that would be considered mindfulness but nothing helped. His brain wouldn’t stop brining up embarrassing memories and intrusive thoughts.
At this point it was 11pm and James was ready to pull his hair out, his brain wouldn’t stop, nothing would work so he sat there with his head in his hands, almost in tears hoping that the moment will pass.
James isn’t sure how long he stays in this position for, but the next time he looks up is because his phone is ringing in the other room. He sat there for a minute contemplating whether or not to answer it. Either it’s someone he doesn’t have the courage to talk to right now or it’s Will who will know there is something wrong straight away.
James makes his way out of his bedroom, into the kitchen picking up his phone from the counter to see Wills name and his heart stuttered slightly. He was still out of breath and sniffling from his mini freakout, tears still apparent on his face but he answered with the smallest voice, “Will?”.
“Hey Jim, I miss you.” And his voice is so soft, so comforting that James slowly collapses to the floor with his back against the cabinets, knees to his chest, as he whispers, “I miss you too.” Otto makes his way over to James, rubbing his face against his thigh, James picks him up and cradles his to his chest, Otto tucking his head into James’s neck in an attempt to comfort him.
“Are you ok, James? What’s wrong? Why are you crying, darling?”
“Just a bad day”. He lets out through more tears. “I just miss having you around and it’s really got to me today, I don’t know why, I’m just ready for you to be home”. Otto is doing his best to get his attention away from his panic, nudging his head into James’s hand, asking to be pet. James slowly begins to relax, not fully, but enough for him to relax his shoulders and pay more attention to the cat.
“I’ll be home tomorrow, darling, I’ll come straight to you, promise”. Will’s reassurance is so comforting that James closes his eyes, willing his brain to imagine the feeling of his boyfriends’ hands running through his hair, leaving a kiss on his head or his cheek.
“Where are you, Jamie? Are you at home?”
“On the floor, in the kitchen.” He says, slightly calmer now. “Otto’s here too, he misses you lots too.” His voice slightly cracking at the end.
“Aw, darling, it’s ok, I’ll be back in,” he pauses to calculate “18 hours, and I’ll be home. But James, can you get up off the floor for me? Maybe go and get something to eat or have some tea?” It was like they were telepathic or something at this point, or Will installed 24/7 surveillance in James’s apartment watching him throughout the day because James can’t remember the last thing he ate or when he last had water.
“I’m sorry,” James replied as he put Otto down and got up off the floor, walking over to the kettle to flick it on.
“Why for, darling?”
“You’ve been so busy and you probably have so many other things to do than call me and remind me to do things that I should already be doing because I’m an adult and not a child who can’t take care of themselves.” He’s so frustrated with himself, the guilt coming back ten times harder than before. James puts his phone on speaker, leaning on his elbow, removes his glasses and running his hands through his hair.
“Hey, I’m your boyfriend, I am supposed to take care of you, no matter what, no matter how far away, James. And you shouldn’t be upset with yourself, love. There’s nothing wrong with you needing a bit of help.” James stays quiet, listening to Will, he again pretends that he’s here, rubbing his back and wrapping his arms around him. James wracks his brain for any memories of them, happy dancing around in his kitchen, or cuddling on the lounge. “I love you, James. You can call me whenever and I’ll answer, you know this. That’s my choice, to be there for you, ok? I want to make sure you’re ok, that’s my job now, yeah?” James nods as if Will could see him, letting out a small ok as he takes a deep breath.
James reaches for his phone, pressing the FaceTime icon and sees his own face pop up on the screen, he cringes at his blood shot eyes and messy hair, dark circles and just overall looking terrible.
Will answers and they just stare for a few moments. James is laying his head on his folded arms, his phone propped up by the kitchen backsplash, Will is sitting outside on a deck chair, one knee up to rest his chin on while the other holds the phone.
“Hey, darling,” Will lets out a sign, running his hands through his own hair, “you’re so pretty, James”. His eyes well with tears again actually seeing Will. It’s as if they don’t speak and text all day since he had left, but James is just emotional right now.
“Darling, don’t cry, it’s ok, I’m right here”. And in James’ mind he was, right behind him hugging him from behind, squeezing him tight enough to shut his brain up. But in reality he wasn’t, he was an almost ten hour flight away, and James was being selfish and stupid.
He brings his hand up to wipe his eyes, standing to make himself a tea, “I’m sorry, I’m ok, just overtired and overstimulated. I can’t wait for you to be home.”
“Don’t apologise, James, ever, ok?” James puts the kettle down and pauses as he goes to reach for a spoon from the top drawer. “Ok, I love you, Will.” He says softly, looking at his boyfriend through his phone, then up to the clock, only 17 and a bit hours left.
“I love you too, James”.