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Despair, sorrow, the ache of parting, perseverance, and eternal affection. These feelings and thoughts that torment him are undoubtedly his penance for his wrongdoings. He’s not exactly a role model or someone to admire, but he was determined and held strong beliefs. He cared excessively and yet insufficiently, all simultaneously. Far away but too near, he found no compromise, no boundaries to fade.
He adored Rogue, still does; but he has discovered someone he would set the world ablaze for. He believed it was impossible to love anyone more than he loved Rogue. He isn't quite aware of how it occurred, how it started; he simply plunged into the abyss known as love. He desired to loathe her, wished to tear her throat with his teeth, wanted her to die. Eventually, hate transformed into love. They are a single entity; there is no division between them, as two souls coexist as one. They ought not to be alive, yet here they exist, a unique instance, an anomaly.
Every day he notices her spirit fading, her strength diminishing, and he feels powerless to assist. He can do nothing but observe as she gradually declines before him; this is his penance. The anguish of being tortured, the unfairness, and the distress of losing something valuable.
Everyone exists while experiencing some form of recompense. He suffers through the agony, feeling as if he's being stabbed by a sword repeatedly. To atone for the wrongs he committed in his previous life. He believes that the sole method to atone for the wrongdoing is to sacrifice something; if he loses her, he’ll also lose himself in the journey.
He can listen to her thoughts, senses her fear running through her, and she realizes she has little time left. She makes an effort to be resilient, yet she’s merely a powerless girl. Hope is gone, utterly absent, there is no remedy. They ought to have realized that the deeper their attachment, the more difficult it gets to cope. He understands that as long as they live, they are destined to separate. A happy ending was never in the cards, particularly not for someone like him.
He constantly wonders, what is his redemption? By experiencing the happiness of loving someone and the pain of losing them. He can understand the suffering of those who lost their loved ones because of him. He recalls the woman who shared that her spouse perished at Arasaka tower. He recalls her animosity, the anguish in her gaze; she was an empty shell, a vessel of hate. And he wonders if it signifies that he must suffer the anguish of witnessing V die as his penance. A soul for a soul.
He carries regrets and memories he reflects upon, words he wishes to express and listen to. He reflects that he desires to pass away beneath the same moon as she does. Curious if they might simply experience a tranquil passing side by side. Reclining beneath the moon, they gaze at each other while taking their last breath. He never imagined he could be a romantic, yet V inspires him to become a better person. If only their paths crossed differently, in an alternate reality. If reincarnation exists, he’d wish to reunite with her beneath the same moon.
She's resting while he remains beside her; they share a love that remains unspoken, yet deeply felt. Every night, he keeps watch over her, whispering the things he longs to say to her when she is awake. "I wanted you to fall for me, yet it appears I was the one who fell first." He leans in to kiss her cheek, aware that it will only intensify the hurt. He discovered a sense of tranquility because of her.
He picks up a cigarette and takes a drag, the smoke glows in the artificial light that comes through her window. He no longer makes an effort to hold back the tears that are about to fall. Each day she appears more unwell, her body faltering, yet she remains his most treasured masterpiece. He hopes she will proceed with removing him from her, to offer her a chance at survival. He’d feel more fulfilled knowing he perished for her sake, yet that wouldn’t accomplish his atonement. Thus, they will pass away together on a night like this, preferably in a tranquil place, far from the chaotic throngs of Night City. Two lovers embraced beneath a moonlit sky, exchanging vows they won’t voice, yet will still be felt. He wishes they were the only ones left in this world.
Too hard to live a normal life, too soft to continue living on without her. He’s always seemed so intangible, so nonchalant about the world. He always appears so flippant, and callous, and without a care. And yet in the end, he is such a lonely man.
He finds himself gazing at her sleeping face slightly longer than normal, pondering if it will be the last time.