Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chapter 1 - In Which Kusuo Wishes To Die.

mikoluv! has added kusuo ✦, ilovetits69, aketouchi, and 8 others to a group DM.

mikoluv! has changed group DM name to ‘the REAL housewives of miami.’

mikoluv! has changed group DM icon to ‘gay_flag.png’

kusuo ✦ has left the REAL housewives of miami.

mikoluv! has added kusuo ✦ to the REAL housewives of miami.

kusuo ✦: what was the purpose of this

mikoluv!: @everyone hi hi gang !! ^_^

kusuo ✦ has left the REAL housewives of miami.

mikoluv! has added kusuo ✦ to the REAL housewives of miami.

kusuo ✦: i don’t want to be apart of ts. also was it necessary to ping everyone 1 AM at night?

mikoluv!: why were u up anyway?

kusuo ✦: because

kusuo ✦: errands. that happened to have been quite unfortunate.

mikoluv!: ouhhh! (character development for kusuo!!!!!!!!!! i cheered)

kineshisgottagrind: Saiki! Aiura! You both should be asleep, and NOT running errands!!! Unless you’re helping out several injured children from a burning house whilst on your 85 kilometre run, then you two should head to bed!!!

kusuo ✦: oh lol bro you would NOT believe what i'm about to just drop.

mikoluv!: kusuo that’s like what you’re doing rn isnt it,,

kusuo ✦: kys

mikoluv!: WAIT this is breaking rule 3 of the psychickers to drop kusuo lore i'm so sorry i'll buy you breakfast. on skibidi. 

kusuo ✦: yeah fine at 10 AM. the one i told you about where mera works at.

kineshisgottagrind: Really? So am I Saiki!! That’s incredible, I didn’t know you ran that far!!!

kusuo ✦: i mean the saving kids thing. i’m back home now, hairo get back home the fire department came.

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Private DM with kusuo✦ and mikoluv!. Hold for more options.

mikoluv!: sorry kusuo

kusuo✦: it’s fine but like i can't erase their memories cs of the limit. last teruhashi interpreted me as a self-conscious guy with trust issues.

mikoluv!: no cz i brought attention to you and you dislike having attention on yourself, sorry. oh and also do you not have trust issues? or self-conscious related troubles?

kusuo✦: ok 1. i swear you just used your brain, are you having a fever? 2. i don't care about trust cs i can jst read their minds or whatever.

mikoluv!: excuse me??? >:C i care about my friends!1!!1!11!1

kusuo✦: aaaaa this chatfic is cringe.

mikoluv!: what ? ;;
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DEAD DOG STORE

aketouchi: everyone and kusuo-kun should probably be asleep by now. long-term sleep deprivation causes multiple setbacks in growth and overall health functions, and so i highly recommend you guys to sleep even if it happens to be a weekend! most teenagers use the excuse of it being the weekends to engage in more late-night endeavours, but this is scientifically proven to have multiple side-effects. did you know that long-term sleep deprivation causes your brain to ‘shut down’ as it is referred to because it has trouble functioning? one can refer to this as fainting or dizzy spells, but it is not recommended. on the topic of weekends, i think i’ll head along to the cafe with mikoto-chan and kusuo-kun! that sounds fun, but kusuo, maybe you aren’t tired because of the over consumption of coffee-based sustenance such as your beloved coffee jelly or the fact that i’ve seen you down 8 shots of espresso yesterday when i came over to your house after school! you say you wish to ‘sleep forever’, and yet you’re awake!

kusuo✦: touma. why are you even awake?

kineshisgottagrind: Woah, woah! Back up, did you just say Saiki wishes to sleep forever? Saiki man, the school counselor is available, and if you need to talk my DMs are open! No one should have to suffer in silence!!!

kusuo✦: what no i was referring to smt else

mikoluv!: ?? what else is there in contextual evidence that you couldve been referring to??

kusuo✦ has left the REAL housewives of miami.

mikoluv! has added kusuo✦ to the REAL housewives of miami.

kusuo✦ has changed group DM name to DEAD DOG STORE.

shun-chan^^: SAIKI???????? WHAT IS THIS NAME IDEA?????

kusuo✦: what is your name idea? it looks like what a loser who watches highschool dxd would choose as their name.

shun-chan^^: THIS WASN’T ME, THIS WAS THE DARK REUNION!!!!!!!

kusuo✦: ok gee sorry but why "chan"??

shun-chan^^: bc me and @aren-chan^^ are matching! >:3

shun-chan^^: ANYWAYS SAIKI WHY WOULD YOU WISH TO SLEEP FOREVER???? MAN YOU CAN TALK TO US :(

kusuo✦: that was taken out of context. it was said in exactly episode nottotouch in season 1.

shun-chan^^: What

aketouchi: well, i’m heading to bed!

kusuo✦: did touma just speak 5 sentences with nothing else to say. i'd rather deal with more volcanoes.

mikoluv! went offline.

shun-chan^^ went offline.

aketouchi went offline.

[I chose a buns time to start this, so timeskip to the morning because I can't be bothered.]

aren-chan^^: oh new group chat!

shun-chan^^: Yay! Good morning Aren :D

aren-chan^^: gm bro !

ilovetits69: so intimate.

aren-chan^^: don’t you touch yourself?

kusuo✦: oh my days stop blowign up my phone i;m trying to sleep .

mikoluv!: ku-chan are you okay????? :( ALSO PERVEREITA I KNEW YOU WERE GROSS BUT WHAT.)

kusuo✦: i installed several semi-illegal VPNs to hkeep rhat wrench wwaway. also most weird narcissistic boys end up touching themselves at least once. i believe toritsuka has a separate issue.

kokoluv!: Good morning everyone! Ku-chan, don’t tell me you didn’t get any sleep..?

chiyopipi!1!1!: KU-CHAN????????

ilovetits69: BAHA KU-CHAN? LIEK WHAT YOUR MOM CALLS YOU?

kusuo✦: 101.210.43.144

ilovetits69: forgive me saiki-san i will never sin again.

aren-chan^^: ‘saiki-san’????????//????/??

mikoluv!: ew pervereita go glaze ku-chan somewhere else. i don’t share.

hambrgy: ggppood mirnign gays! i jsut came back fform my shift! ehahasha i glalzek siaki too agfter he shared rtuhis ocfeee heJJLY!!!!!! 

hambrgy: woah i jstu found 10,000 yen in mmy pokcte!

ilovetits69: saiki-san ts you?

kineshisgottagrind: That’s so very humanitarian core of you Saiki-kun !!! 🙂Keep up the good work !!! <3

chiyopipi!1!1!1!: Hairo who taught you to use emoticons??????????

ramenismyfool: i djid /

kokoluv!: Anyways, Ku-chan, I thought I’d come over for more cooking lessons with your mother! She’s so kind :) And so are you! <3

mikoluv!: aaa terukoko i’m so sorry, ku-chan jst left his house w me to go to that cafe! if people don’t stare, do you wanna come?

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Private DM with kusuo✦ and ilovetits69. Hold for more options.

ilovetits69: saiki-san, why are you messaging instead of just sending the information to my brain?

kusuo✦: precognitive vision related headaches, loopholes and ooc writing within the chatfic, and the fact that messaging is actually more convincing of an average schoolboy who uses the messages app.

ilovetits69: what

Read by kusuo✦ at 10:47 AM.

ilovetits69: piss yourself saiki-san

ilovetits69: WAIT WAIT WAIT IMSORRYRY I HOPE YOUR HEADACHES GET BETTER 🙏

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kokoluv!: Oh no, that’s totally fine Mikoto-chan! Thanks for letting me know :D

kokoluv!: I can just do it with someone else! As the perfect pretty girl I am! :) I don’t need to learn to cook if my perfectness just inclines other male specimens and even females to cook for me. I DON’T NEED IT STOP KIDDING YOURSELF 🙂

mikoluv!: <3 (that’s a bit concerning but i would cook for you mommy)

aketouchi: ku-chan, i’d love to go somewhere with you again! do you remember when we went to that pond when we were younger and i accidentally fell in? it was so funny! you pulled me out and we sat down on a bench <3

aren-chan^^: ok since when did saiki get huzz????? that pervert thing glazes him, teruhashi seems to have a liking to him, i think chiyo liked him before or whatever it was obvious, aiura seems to openly flirt with him, and now the yapper is calling him ‘ku-chan’ and implying the i word.....!!!!!! (i-i-i-i-i-i-intimacy..) 

kineshisgottagrind: Well Saiki is conventionally attractive! He also has a good fashion sense, his hair clips and glasses are quite cool !!! 🔥

hambrgy: he bought me croffee jelly a few timegs this week w. hen he visited so i owe hjim hmy firstborn.

aketouchi: wow! i should get ku-chan to buy me some coffee jelly! i’d love to take him out to a cafe one day! he happens to be my best friend and he’s loved sweet things since he was a child, so i think he’d enjoy it! and maybe some dinner too, his exercise routine is quite excessive and worrying!

kineshisgottagrind: Yeah Saiki!!! You get me!!! 😀Just make sure not to overdo it 🙂!!!

aren-chan^^: SAIKI DOES WHAT

mikoluv!: yeah aketou, no one’s taking saiki away from you.

chiyopipi!1!1!1!: Are we all actively ignoring the fact that Nendou’s username is ‘ramenismyfool’ like since when did that oaf learn that, that Mera said that she’d sacrifice her firstborn for Saiki, that I DID NOT HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM WWWHAT…… , AND THAT KOKOMI-CHAN JST TYPED OUT HER INNER MONOLOGUE

shun-chan^^: I’d prefer to ignore that, yeah ;;;;;;;

aren-chan^^: WHY IS EVERYONE CALLING SAIKI ‘KU-CHAN’??????

[After this, said Group Chat; ‘DEAD DOG STORE’ goes silent for a while. Mainly because THE Jet Black Wings ™ just spoke and everyone's cringing.]

[kusuo✦: this probably seems ooc on my end but ts is kinda self-indulgent on the author’s side.]

moneymoneygreengreen: Oh so my presence has been summoned to yet another group DM. What do you plebs need?

ramenismyfool: oh itjs hmmy otder budy!

ramenismyfool: bbut nooen can be mY bETS boddy. oaky?

kusuo✦: guys please. if you see some weirdo with an ugly ahh haircut, weird shade of blonde and looks like me with a weird device attached to his twinky little vegetable head, do nOT interact. please just sprint away from him as soon as possible to spare me free time thanks.

aren-chan^^: ok so like. that’s not concerning at all.

aketouchi: i don’t think ku-chan wants me to tell this to you guys, but the person in topic is his older brother, kusuke. ku-chan and him have an estranged relationship, and i don’t like him very much either. he dehumanises my kusuo, has attempted to kill him multiple times and is a creep. i dislike him very much and would wring his puny neck to hear the satisfying ‘pop’ and ‘snap’ of his neck. i loathe this human with every ounce of piss my body can create, except ku-chan would be sad so no. he actually once beat up my bullies for me and almost killed them by accident after they beat me up! it was very sweet, i would reciprocate such intimacy if i could yet i am unable unfortunately. so pissing on his cat will do.

mikoluv!: ouh.. yikes..

kokoluv!: DEHUMANISES HIM? ATTEMPTED TO KILL HIM? I’m so sorry Ku-chan :( I don't like your brother very much either! If it helps <3

chiyopipi!1!1!1!: Yikes is right :akito_shinonome_sad_chibi_emoji: ALSO PISSING ON HIS CAT??

mikoluv!: thbis is why ily aketou <3 /p

ilovetits69: huh, saiki-san should talk to us more ,,

moneymoneygreengreen: He sounds like a right wrench I must say, though pleb problems is not my specialty.

shun-chan^^: While your buddy the.. Jet Black Wings !! ™ agrees with you all, I have met his older brother and can confirm he’s a rat, but are we also going to ignore THE FACT THAT SAIKI’S NEARLY BEEN KILLED BEFORE AND THEN NEARLY KILLED THE YAPPATRON’S BULLIES????????

ramenismyfool: oh i dro'nt hlike aibou's big brother. he ssuonds like a massive bum bum sniffer.

kusuo✦: what did this escalate to i'm cringing so hard i think i forgot to breathe

kusuo✦ has gone offline.

chiyopipi!1!1!1!: oh

aren-chan^^: mm i hope his brother stubs every toe. i hope he steps on a nail facing upwards to impale his foot. i hope he eats sand.

ramenismyfool: i liek sand ,

aren-chan^^ has gone offline.

shun-chan^^: Why is your name 'ramenismyfool'? Your fool?

ramenismyfool: hhyeaeh like rhe thigny that you ptu in cars !

shun-chan^^: Sometimes I wish the Dark Reunion actually gets me. That is FUEL you swine. You have the morality of a gutter that beholds Pennywise's twink ahh. 




(Mitsuki Log: this was so cringe so i edited stuff AND changed the formatting a little.)

Chapter Text

Chapter 2 - In Which Aiura Regrets Everything.

DEAD DOG STORE - 5 members online.

mikoluv!: guys guys guys i jst watched the most tragic yuri/yaoi/heterosexualtwinkrelationship ever i hate ts sm.

aren-chan^^: what.

ilovetits69: whenever i want tragic ‘yuri/yaoi/heterosexualtwinkrelationship’ as you put it, i ask the ghosts to watch over ts school, specifically your class. @shun-chan^^ and @aren-chan^^ the yaoi, @kokoluv! and her blonde friend with the hatsune miku haircut as the yuri but doomed, and basically yumehara and that delusional twink as the doomed straights.

mikoluv!: you jst dont want to admit that terukoko likes kusuo cz you like terukoko you pervert. i would kick you if it weren’t for the fact that you bought me cool accessories.

aren-chan^^: me and shun aren’t gay, isn’t he in love with yumehara?

mikoluv!: you’re all stupid,,,,,

kusuo✦: please do stop yapping. the notificatdins are hmakign it worse ,

mikoluv!: o em gee ku you’re back!!!! wdym?

ilovetits69: i rhink yesterday he like had headaches or wtv

kusuo✦ has changed ilovetits69’s name to eternal diamond veronica.

kusuo✦ has left DEAD DOG STORE.

eternal diamond veronica: SAIKI YOU SAID YOU WOULDN’T TELL ANYONE.

aketouchi has added kusuo✦ to DEAD DOG STORE.

aketouchi: hello kusuo! and everyone else. it appears that you ignored my dms yesterday! however, if you are facing headaches due to the side-effects of… you understand what i’m implying, then you should make sure you hydrate yourself and stop eating coffee-infatuated desserts! coffee, or rather – caffeine – has some awful neurological side-effects after over-consumption, and don’t i have not forgotten the fact that you eat coffee jelly for breakfast and consume 14 shots of espresso every day! it is imperative you rest, or i will physically come to your house and make sure you get rest <3 /threat

kusuo✦ has left DEAD DOG STORE.

aren-chan^^ has added kusuo✦ to DEAD DOG STORE.

aren-chan^^: did akechi just imply you’re high on smt??????? like the “if you are facing headaches due to the side-effects of… you understand what i’m implying,” i did NOT peg you for a junkie..

kusuo✦: no. i’m just unwell is all, migraines. "effects" in this context was something completely different and irrelevant.

eternal diamond veronica: anyways yeah i watched alien stage with aiura and it’s actually peak.

shun-chan^^: Oh my older sister watches it, idk much about it though

mikoluv!: o em gee it’s so peak please watch it

mikoluv!: i’m trying to get kusuo into it cs hes smart and will be able to give me a hyperanalysis cs of his experience with all this !! but that’s lowk impossible so i should give up 🥀💔

shun-chan^^: i’ll watch it!

kusuo✦: everyday i get harassed by this gc. EVERY DAY.

aren-chan^^: oh golly

eternal diamond veronica: drools on your glasses

shun-chan^^: WHAT

kusuo✦: .

aren-chan^^: ..

mikoluv!: down doggy

aketouchi: i’ve already eaten your furniture.

kusuo✦: ykw you should message more. it’s easier seeing you not talk as much.

mikoluv!: yeowch

aketouchi: oh ok.

aren-chan^^: “h-heh.. i-i.. i guess i deserve it..!” ahh response

shun-chan^^: I hope the Dark Reunion gets you all.

aren-chan^^: oh i see.

shun-chan^^: NO PLEASE AREN I’M SORRY PLEASE WATCH WHEN MARNIE WAS HERE WITH ME PLEASKRKN3JNE

kusuo✦: i hate gays

eternal diamond veronica: saiki.. hearing you loathe yourself is so heartbreaking.. please, if you’re struggling you can talk to us 💜

aketouchi: kusuo, in the most kindest, compassionate, considerate, dearest way possible you are the most closeted little wrench i know. hiding your true self is not healthy for you!

kusuo✦: i hate you all

mikoluv!: heh.. i guess i deserve it..!

kusuo✦: i’m setting your leg warmer collection on fire.

mikoluv!: your favourite coffee jelly brand gets discontinued in a year.

kusuo✦: check outside your window.

mikoluv!: WHY AM I IN FRANCE THERE’S A PIG GETTING BUTCHERED OUTSIDE MY WINDOW?????? HELP THE BUTCHER IS YELLING AT ME

kusuo✦: you weren’t supposed to type that here. rule 3 of psychicks or whatever except i'm not a chick you whore

aren-chan^^: i left for like a minute. WHAT

shun-chan^^: I’m back! WHAT THE HECK

eternal diamond veronica: heck

chiyopipi: Good morning gays! MIKO-CHAN WHY ARE YOU IN FRANCE????????//?/?/??

mikoluv!: chiyopipi lets make out in the straightest way possible

chiyopipi: no thanks aiura.

mikoluv!: tears spilt over my keyboard ts is all your fault. pmo icl.

mikoluv!: oh yay i’m bacl !!1!1!!1!! hnot in france anymore :3c thabks broski 🙏

[kusuo✦: if you’re a real one then you’ll realize that yumehara’s username actually ended up removing the ‘!1!1!1!’ off the end of her user. it’s because the author sucks.]

mikoluv!: sorryr it was a joke im not in france.

eternal diamond veronica: anyways i highly recommend alien stage, it’s banger and tgere’s zest in it 🤑

aren-chan^^: anything recommended by a cockalorum like you is probably the equivalent to japanese sevensome porn tapes. fundamentally, i lack the mental strength to infatuate myself with such filth.

aren-chan^^: woah i did not just write that

shun-chan^^: I actually don’t want to watch when marnie was there with you anymore Aren…

kusuo✦: ‘cockalorum’

aren-chan^^: kys saiki.

eternal diamond veronica: rt

aren-chan^^: WAIT PLEASE DON’T IM SORRY

kusuo✦: rt

eternal diamond veronica: I AM TRULY SO SORRY MASTER THAT WAS PLENTIFUL UNTHOGHTFUL OF ME PLEASE DON’T BURN MY MAGAZINES ILY BRO

kusuo✦: unthoughtful*

eternal diamond veronica has gone offline.

kusuo✦: dullard.

mikoluv!: .

aren-chan^^: please forgive me for my sins. i thought marnie and anna were canon 🥀

aren-chan^^: they.. h*ld h*nds..

kusuo✦: why are you censoring that

aren-chan^^: cs of shun.

mikoluv!: pathetic guy.

shun-chan^^: SOTPIM NROT

ramenismyfool: ahhahsha tha runt is a wimp 🤣

kineshisgottagrind: Hey Riki! Never speak again <3 !!!!

ramenismyfool: o h. Hhi love :)

kineshisgottagrind: RIKI WE TALKED ABOUT THIS !!! 🙂NO PDA 😢

ramenismyfool: eHwhat ?./

,,,,,

Private DM with mikoluv! and shun-chan^^. Hold for more options.

shun-chan^^: Hey Aiura

mikoluv!: oh hey kaidoukoko,, wdy need ? :3c

shun-chan^^: I want to ask Aren to do an alien stage round remake with me, the one with Hyuna in it and Mizi, but I don’t know which round that is, do you know?

mikoluv!: ouh that one! it was round 6 <3c /p

shun-chan^^: Ty Aiura ^^

mikoluv!: nws :Dc

,,,,,

DEAD DOG STORE - 6 members online.

aren-chan^^: good grief. we all knew you were gay.

kusuo✦: don’t steal my catchphrase, go touch yourself. you purple haired people are all the same. what, are you all vegans and use pronouns?

eternal diamond veronica: ….

kokoluv!: Good morning all! :) May I add a friend here? Some of you may know her :D

kokoluv!: Also, Hairo-kun, we would never judge you and Nendou! <3

mikoluv!: ouh ofc terukoko !! ^_^ and also same

kokoluv! Has added iimu,, to DEAD DOG STORE.

iimu,,: yayay ! kokomi, is this the gc you were talking about ? >_<

kokoluv!: Hi Imu-chan! It is :)

iimu,,: ty for adding me here :D

kusuo✦: oh great.

iimu,,: don’t you dare speak to my kokomi like that. who even are you?

kusuo✦: i was speaking to you. also it’s saiki.

iimu,,: PIG.

kusuo✦: what?

eternal diamond veronica: saiki hyou just got CLOCKED.

kusuo✦: so you were saying?

eternal diamond veronica: EW THE MONKS ARE MAKIGN ME PUT AWAY MY DEVICES FOR A WHILE TOUCH ME.

kusuo✦: i’d rather not.

eternal diamond veronica: AAAAAA sorry i’ll be off for a week.

kusuo✦: good for you. also to the readers torturing themselves reading this piece of absolute decayed flesh, one week = 6-ish chapters depending on the time-skips. he won’t appear for a few chapters cs the monks are isolating him.

iimu,,: what

terukoko!: Imu-chan! Play nice :) And Saiki, please don’t be mean to Imu :(

kusuo✦: ok

shun-chan^^: @aren-chan^^ Bro lets remake round 6 of alnst!

aren-chan^^: WHAT

kusuo✦: that’s quite bold.

terukoko!: oh.. I don’t quite understand?

kusuo✦: i’m pretty sure in round 6 of alien stage, the show they are referring to is about a loser gay character (ivan) who has a crush on this other loser who has a crush on a lesbian (till) basically sacrifices himself so till can win. the plot of the show is aliens take over the world and treat humans like slaves, and some like to send humans to the anakt garden, to sing in a singing competition. lose and you get shot. so ivan sacrifices himself or wtv and like makes out with till before dying.
tldr; the delusional blue haired twink (the other one) just asked the delinquent to make out with him.

terukoko!: I see. Thanks for telling me <3 I hope you and Kuboyasu have errr.. Fun!

terukoko!: Ku-chan, are you into shows like this?

kusuo✦: no. aiura watches it and spams my dms with it. i take it back, i wish to sleep forever.

mikoluv!: SOTPTPTPPTTP I’M HNOT A WEIRDO PLEASE

aren-chan^^: shun… stares at you menacingly in a homo way

shun-chan^^: WHAT NO AIURA TOLD ME IT WAS THE ROUND WITH HYUNA! PLEASE I WANTED TO DO A KARAOKENDDJHSDBFVNVNJJNVD I DON’T SWING THAT WAY HKRPRNSBFJDNFNFMFNFMF

mikoluv!: what a shame.. poor thing got caught in an electric fence…

aren-chan^^: can’t take it back twink.

shun-chan^^: THIS IS SCARY I’M UNMATCHING WITH YOU

aren-chan^^: NO PLEASE I WAS JOKING I WAS JOKING IT WAS PLATONIC PKBWENADBEJN

kusuo✦: take your love affair somewhere else. i hate gay people smh.

aketouchi: well i hope kuboyasu-kun and kaidou-kun work it out! also kusuo, if you want to talk about the act of self-love, my dms are open. i do hope you stop loathing yourself soon, i would hate for your mental health to be forsaken… please stay safe kusuo-chan!

kusuo✦: he’s back. sighs.

mikoluv!: thats no way to talk to a fellow psychicker!

kusuo✦: ew

aren-chan^^: what

hambgry: OMG CHICK?? CHICKNEBR??? I LORBR CHICKNE AAAKD

kusuo✦: mera. aren’t you supposed to be working?

hambgry: im o . n breaka! i wwas hcatchugn a big bg dfishy and rerm i tr d to eat it and i gotf dent-= to sut down fro a lutjte bit 🙁

kusuo✦: you’re all going in my suicide note.

terukoko!: Saiki-kun! Don’t kill yourself :( my dms are open if you need me, please don’t give up on living!

iimu,,: no actually kys bro.

terukoko!: ‘kys’ As in ‘Know Your Supplier’? Wow Imu-chan! I didn’t know you were in the business field!

iimu,,: kokomi-senpai, ‘kys’ means kill yourself. it’s used in a satirical matter though

terukoko!: Oh, I see! Though please don’t be rowdy with each other :(

iimu,,: please forgive me for my sins kokomi-senpai.

shun-chan^^: AIURA I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS

mikoluv!: I’M SORRYRYRYRY KAI SAAAAASJKSHSDFFDFGHFGLFDJDSSHDDFLAH

mikoluv!: also kusuo don’t even think about leaving this gc. i will buy you a coffee jelly biweekly.

kusuo✦: what a commitment. fine, you win.

aketouchi: kusuo-chan! i’ll also buy you something <3

kusuo✦: keep calling me ‘chan’ and soon there’ll be people buying your organs.

aketouchi: i love you too kusuo <3

iimu,,: i hate gays.

kusuo✦: self-hatred isn’t valid. see the school counselor.

iimu,,: EXCUSE ME.

shun-chan^^: Me and Aren are watching Alien Stage! @mikoluv! I forgive you, this show is absolutely banger.

mikoluv!: ily for this. /p

chiyopipi: hey guys! i just backread

chiyopipi: KAIDOU???? I THOUGHT WE HAD SMT/???

shun-chan^^: WHSTDGBDN?//21

aren-chan^^: shun looks like he just got slapped in the face with a wet fish and then taped to an electric face while his flesh rots. i mean his face went red.

mikoluv!: i regret everything.

kusuo✦: i regret being born.

aketouchi: kusuo-chan! we should both watch delicious in dungeon together! i think you might not hate this show too much, and it’s not really well-known as of now! the manga is amazing too, so we should make an arrangement. speaking of, what shows do you like? i heard apparently you rushed home straight after school to watch the show airing at 5:00 and then you got found out by the purple thing (the other purple thing)! that must have been hectic ;;

kusuo✦: honestly. i have nothing better to do.

aketouchi: great! i actually am already inside your house. i’ve already eaten your furniture <3 i came and wasn’t going to take a rejection as an answer.

kusuo✦: i’m burning your house down.

kineshisgottagrind: Guess who’s back from Riki’s house ? !!!! I am! I backread and I thank you all for your support 🙂also, Saiki, arson isn’t the answer!!!

kusuo✦: mhm that’s great. you may need therapy from visiting his house though and i am not willing to pay for it. also i’m coming down, touma.

kusuo✦ has gone offline.

aketouchi has gone offline.

mikoluv!: i feel so loved rn most of these usernames, eg. aketouchi, chiyopipi are all nicknames i came up with. ok nvm thats not a lot.

Chapter Text

Chapter 3 - In Which The Inhabitants of DEAD DOG STORE Discuss Their Music Tastes.



DEAD DOG STORE - 5 members online.

mikoluv!: aketouchi. dungeon meshi is so peak oh my golly gee willikers. theres no fan service, it’s so realistic, the lore is banger. especially izutsumi, she’s not fan serviced ily dunmeshi

mikoluv!: ily @aketouchi ts is peak. there’s also lesbians in it. self-explanatory. 

aren-chan^^ : lwk sounds banger

aketouchi: i’m glad ! ilyt aiura :D /p
though, you should also read the manga too cs there are a few minor details. i quite enjoy it, i usually end up reading literature and not many mangas, but this is a close favourite of mine and i appreciate the feedback.

shun-chan^^: Ok bro hop off the keyboard.

aketouchi: i’m going to ignore that! anyways, log 1: kusuo said it’s actually not that bad, he was worried if it would be fan serviced but i think he likes it!

mikoluv!: !!!!!

hambgry: hh i whish i ccould r e. a/d manga but i have workd. isyrry :(

chiyopipi!: Morning everyone! And nws Mera that’s fine, we should read some from time to time :Dc

kokoluv!: I would love to come along as well!

mikoluv!: o em gee i wanna come too i have stuff you guys might like ^_^

hambgry: i lobrv you all

aren-chan^^: the lesbians are multiplying

mikoluv!: excuse me

mikoluv! has changed aren-chan^^’s name to hopeless gay mullet

hopeless gay mullet: excuse me

shun-chan^^: Aw but we were matching :(

hopeless gay mullet: SOTP I FORGOR HOW TO CHNAGE NAMES CHANGE TI BACK

shun-chan^^ has changed their name to XxJETBLACKWINGSxX

XxJETBLACKWINGSxX: I-i… I guess I deserve it..

mikoluv!: kaikoko ily. but i really wish you were aborted just about now.

iimu,,: what in the gacha 2018 roblox username

XxJETBLACKWINGSxX: a

aketouchi: how simply splendid. i take it back, i would rather fancy a suicide right about now. you all make me want to rip the soft fair skin off of my face and have the blood gently trickle down my chin as i cry out in agony. there are several microexpressions one can make to show their discomfort, and kusuo is showing about 76 of them because apparently i ‘look like i want to die’ while typing a lot on my phone, so please excuse me before i simply wring my own neck with a sweet caramel coloured rope. you will all be going in my suicide note.

hopeless gay mullet: normally i’d probably ask aiura to kick you from this group chat because that was graphic. even for you. but ts is real. sorry shun

XxJETBLACKWINGSxX has changed their name to shun-chan^^

shun-chan^^: That was my aneki,,, She came in here, snatched my phone from my hands and changed my user because she’s mean

iimu,,: i’m surprised you actually use grammar

hopeless gay mullet: i see.

shun-chan^^: MY GRAMMAR ISN’T BAD???

[A/N: sksksksksksksk shun’s mother makes him study quite a bit due to her expectations as viewed in the show, so it makes sense he’d probably subconsciously use some grammar when talking yk? (either this or i’m projecting lol)]

kokoluv!: Now now guys, please don’t argue! I think Kaidou-kun’s name before wasn’t even that bad, even if it was despite his disinclination!

[A/N: it was in fact, not despite his disinclination. he liked it.]

aketouchi: of course, kaidou-kun had to keep the quota of a tdlosk chatfic, and the ‘cringy’ nickname is just it. though this chatfic in itself is cringe. mikoto taught me how to use the slang of today, and i must say, it helps me get my thoughts across!

iimu,,: i’d rather you keep your thoughts to yourself, thanks.

aketouchi: 101.210.43.144

iimu,,: …

aketouchi: kusuo commentary log #2: “this show is unique. i suppose it’s well thought out. can you leave now?” chat i think he likes it!

hopeless gay mullet: CHAT????? @mikoluv! WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM????

mikoluv!: an angel loses its wings every time aketouchi uses slang or keeps his words to a minimum. i regret everything.

kusuo✦: that was the last chapter’s name. the author is getting well over uncreative.

kokoluv!: Hello, Kusuo :)

kusuo✦: i swear i just heard most people in this chat go ‘offu!’ after teruhashi came back.

iimu,,: kys kys kys kys kys you goon kys kys kys kys go rot no one ignores my queen

kusuo✦: i actually sighed.

aketouchi: can confirm, ku looks like he wants to die. now keep watching, laois is talking about falin to marcille, senshi, izutsumi and chilchuck!

iimu,,: imagine being gay

kusuo✦: imagine being blocked.

kokoluv!: Hey, guys this is a bit mean.. Please don’t be mean to eachother, I’m sure you guys don’t mean it :)

moneymoneygreengreen: How do I mute, this chat is too loud. Selling dead dogs because you’re broke is a new low.

iimu,,: i’m going to ignore what pinky said and continue. this is satirical you rich oaf.

moneymoneygreengreen: Oh

moneymoneygreengreen has gone offline.

[A/N: okokok so ik i said ts would be about music discussion and i’m writing that now. trust. also i haven’t made any ships canon, except the already canon ones,, eg. riki nd kineshi. so dw gangalang your senpai mitsuki will pull through. :tiktokproudemoji:]

mikoluv!: you’re all a disgrace. i’m going to go blast tyler the creator go touch yourselves everyone.

chiyopipi: OH I’VE HEARD OF HIM! Also don’t tell us to touch ourselves, don’t you have a leopard print thong?

hopeless gay mullet: WHAT

mikoluv!: that was a scarf chiyopipi. A SCARF.

chiyopipi: Same difference

aketouchi: you are all appalling. when i kill myself it’ll be all your faults. i have it planned out, i long for the swet freedom of death, my beliefs in the hope of humanity to prosper have fizzled. eradicated like my dad. GONE. i would finish what my thoughts are thinking but kusuo thinks i should stop. 

mikoluv!: yikes

chiyopipi: What

hopeless gay mullet: HEL ME real j fear. also didn’t tyler the creator make some… questionable music?

shun-chan^^: WHAT

mikoluv!: okokokokok nickname refresher you guys are boring. also i don’t support his lyrics i think his music just sounds yummy

mikoluv! has changed kusuo✦ ’s name to tsundere four eyes

tsundere four eyes went offline.

mikoluv! has changed iimu,, ’s name to hot blonde lesbian.

mikoluv!: has changed shun-chan^^ ’s name to delusional blue brick

tsundere four eyes: ok i came back to see ts and i jst wanted to ask. if kaidou’s name is ‘delusional blue brick’ how do i tell the difference between teruhashi and him?

hot blonde lesbian: what the hell kokomi-senpai is NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT DELUSIONAL GO EAT BRICKS GO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE DIE YOU ACTUAL TWINK

kokoluv!: Imu-chan.. :(

hot blonde lesbian: i’m so sorry kokomi-senpai please forgive me

delusional blue brick: Hey… frowns at you, I am not a blue brick >:(

hopeless gay mullet: you made him frown

mikoluv! has changed hopeless gay mullet ’s name to aggravated assault hopeless gay mullet.

aggravated assault hopeless gay mullet: touch yourself

kokoluv!: Anyways, on the topic of music, what do you guys like listening to? :)

aketouchi: i am a fan of mindless self-indulgence, i must say. i have many others but i often lose myself in the thoughts of my endavours while blasting MSI. 

tsundere four eyes: emo

aketouchi: excuse me

hot blonde lesbian: oh i like vocaloid, thank you for asking kokomi-senpai :D

delusional blue brick: Oh same! I love vocaloid :D

hot blonde lesbian: so uh i’m actually not sapphic anymore. i’m bi now. /lh

delusional blue brick: WWHWTTTTATA DID YOY JSJSUSY SAY>>>.???/

tsundere four eyes: sapphic like the writer? sappho of lesbos? /sarc

tsundere four eyes: also you forget that she said ‘/lh’. i’m honestly impressed, i didn’t know kaidou knew what that meant

delusional blue brick: Oh

delusional blue brick: ANyways who’s your favourite producer?

hot blonde lesbian: mmmmmm slave-v.v.r, pepoyo, kikuo, teniwoha, iowa, inabakumori etc cs i’m not really well-versed into the vocaloid fandom yet. plus i like utaites as well :D

delusional blue brick: I’ve heard of them, though I thought you’d be a bit more… Into the older ones as well…

tsundere four eyes: bro she’s not going to listen to hatsune miku from the shakespeare era

delusional blue brick: IM JOKGIGNGNGGGNG

kokoluv!: I apologise for leaving, my brother came into the room.. Well, I have heard of Hatsune Miku, but I don’t really listen to this type of music. I’ll try though :D any recommendations? 

hot blonde lesbian: erm……! ion know if you’ll really like the lyrics, but i think you might like ado!

[A/N: o em gee i’m so special i literally wrote the actual plot of ts to start nearing the end of the chapter are you proud of me ????? /sarc]

mikoluv!: oh yeah i do sometimes listen to vocaloid but not often ,,,, i play pjsk and bandori which technically have vocaloid songs as the songs they use for the game but outside of that i don’t really listen to much

aketouchi: oh yeah i play proseka as well! i tried to make kusuo play it and i think the character mafuyu asahina suits teruhashi quite a bit! i think the overall gameplay is smooth, the voice actors are talented and the event stories keep you on your feet, i quite enjoy playing it and i’ve hyperanalyzed the entire cast and analysed every single song they have! well not every single one because i am not doing romeo and cinderella, or pal sensation wherever it was called, or ifuudoudou, and a lot more ‘suggestive’ songs that i don’t feel like listing all of them here.

mikoluv!: oh yeah you were showing me those, i thought my ears were genuinely bleeding

hot blonde lesbian: i live and breathe rhythm games. enstars, bandori, arcaea, d4dj (wuh luh wuh ahh game), prsk, hell sometimes even the mai mai, osu. my only will to live.

kokoluv!: Ah, you should show me some! I find that would be very fun 🙂

kokoluv!: As for myself, I quite like artists such as Kate Bush, Florence & The Machine, Mitski, Laufey, etc. And I have a lot more but these are some I quite like!

hot blonde lesbian: FELLOW MITSKIER MARRY ME

kokoluv!: I’m glad you see Mitski the same way I do! I love Mitski songs :)

mikoluv!: TERUKOKO MARRY ME PLEASE YOUR MUSIC TASTE IS SO ULTRA C-ONSTIPATED (subtle devi reference), METAL PIPE FALLING CORE KAAKAKAKHSKHSHJKSJKHHSHKJSJHKSJJH

hot blonde lesbian: you can admire kokomi-senpai from afar. but you can’t touch her.

mikoluv!: i’m matching with her but DOWN DOG DOWN

hot blonde lesbian changed kokoluv! ’s username to hot bluenette ally

mikoluv! : accepting fate now, are we dear imura-chan..

hot blonde lesbian: shut up this is a doomed yuri. also cute nickname i love it /gen

mikoluv!: i would say ‘f in the chat’ but we’re out of that era now and thats old. so for now i’ll just stare at you. ALSO THANK YOU I MADE IT UP ON THE SPOT !! ^_^

tsundere four eyes: @mikoluv! if that coffee jelly is not bought by the end of the day i am leaving this pay gorn ahh gc.

mikoluv!: STOP IM SO SORYRHJDIDHJFJNSPLEASE STAYSA ASHSH @aketouchi PLELASEESEEEEE PLEASE PLEASE YAPPAKECHI BUY KUSUO COFFEE JELLY OR HES LEAVGNGN

aketouchi: i actually already did because i had already deducted that kusuo would 100% behave like this. i just handed it to him and when he had some he went from depressed antisocial closeted little wrench to someone that just got told they are allowed to be ‘rizzed up and brought by ohio’.

mikoluv!: ily toumatou. /full homo

aketouchi: i appreciate the sentiment!

aggravated assault hopeless gay mullet: omg bro yappakechi you actually listen to msi?//????//?

aketouchi: yes, i do indeed.

aggravated assault hopeless gay mullet: (i don’t support them though) honestly i thought you’d listen to someone like weird al or smt. i like alex g too, call it overrated but alex g is peak. 

mikoluv!: marry me in the most homoest way possible. both of you useless lesbians.

tsundere four eyes: touma actually got a good brand so thanks.

aketouchi: nws kusuo <3

hot blonde lesbian: gay gay homosexual gay

tsundere four eyes: sleep with the lights on

ramenismyfool: hai aibou mmmmz  i llbve ramen !

ramenismyfool has changed moneymoneygreengreen ’s username to dollar store shopper69

dollar store shopper69: Why was that the only thing that the mongrel didn’t misspell. And you ask why your father is deceased.

tsundere four eyes: saiko metori.

Chapter Text

Chapter 4 - In Which Metori Questions Life

DEAD DOG STORE - 4-ish members online (lwk tweaking ahh)

dollar store shopper69: Why was that the only thing that the mongrel didn’t misspell. And you ask why your father is deceased.

tsundere four eyes: saiko metori.

ramenismyfool: ohg :(

mikoluv!: ok saiko bro rhat’s mean cs his father is dead.

dollar store shopper69: Oh, in that case I apologise for my comments, that must be hard. I had no idea, I was merely expressing the usage of ‘internet milk’ jokes/lingo. I’m sorry.

dollar store shopper69: WHY IS MY BATHTUB OF MONEY ON FIRE?

dollar store shopper69 has gone offline.

mikoluv!: vro i regret teaching these monkeys tt slang bcs thats actually crazy work

ramenismyfool: nfo woriries buddy ! (not yiu best buddy :D)

mikoluv! has changed tsundere four eyes ’s name to twinky tsundere hairpins

twinky tsundere hairpins has gone offline.

mikoluv! has changed their name to mikoko-hime!

dollar store shopper69: Ok how do I press the leave button? I’ll just buy this app instead.

mikoko-hime!: SOTPTTTPTPOT DONT.

ramenismyfool: hno ehont buy 😢ue ue ueueueueue 😢

twinky tsundere hairpins has left DEAD DOG STORE.

mikoko-hime! has added twinky tsundere hairpins to DEAD DOG STORE.

aketouchi: please don’t leave kusuo, socialization is healthy for your age! especially because you don’t socialize physically, so at least talk to your friends online!

mikoko-hime!: honestly i’ll make a cutesy little discord server instead cs rhis is dead and i wanna add some silly channels and greetings and stuff !!!

twinky tsundere hairpins: do that and you can say goodbye to that leopard print thong.

hot blonde lesbian: HELPR ME??? HWHAT.

mikoko-hime!: STOP THAT WAS A SCARF

aggravated assault hopeless gay mullet: my name keeps getting longer and longer why am i even alive

twinky tsundere hairpins: yikes

hot bluenette ally: Kuboyasu-kun, if you need to talk my DMs are open!

kineshisgottagrind: Yeah man !!! Suffering alone isn’t necessary, if we can do anything to help let us know !!!

mikoko-hime!: arenyasu bro don’t kys we still need gay people to keep in this server

aggravated assault hopeless gay mullet: it was a joke but anyways we have nendou and hairo so we should be good

hot blonde lesbian: the weird mohawk thing with a bald spot and the heat miser are canon? huh why is MY irl yuri not yuri-ing?

t winky tsundere hairpins: cs you listen to vocaloid

hot blonde lesbian: shut up you pink pig you’re literally a whore

mikoko-hime!: isn’t kusuo aroace

hot blonde lesbian: he was trying to get with kokomi-senpai before or smt??? and went after you then.

hot bluenette ally: EHWTAT?

mikoko-hime!: no????? i lwk wish he was with me 💔🥀

aketouchi: respectfully, kusuo-chan is the most asexual aromantic person i know!

twinky tsundere hairpins: you don’t know a lot of people though

aggravated assault hopeless gay mullet: yeowch

twinky tsundere hairpins changed kineshisgottagrind ’s username to corn-fed little boy.

corn-fed little boy: I’m allergic to corn !!!! 🙂

aketouchi: i have no words for any of you apes (minus kusuo-chan) please all of you go touch yourself. release the negative emotions and stop using this group chat as a coping mechanism just because you are all short depressed whores that somehow became the main cast to a gag anime. please respectfully, you all need to see a counselor, and if even they can’t help you lot of failures then Jesus is the only way. you all disgrace humanity, more so than any other white US politician or that obese north korean thing. (except kusuo <3c)

hot blonde lesbian: ok but like??? the glaze for the pretentious accessorized twink??? anyways ignoring what the blonde thing said about us, i thought that pink rubber glove looking ahh twink was going after MY kokomi-senpai.

hot bluenette ally: WWHATATAG???? NNNO I DIDN T; KNOW RHAT>???

mikoko-hime!: ok toumatou if you need to talk buddy my dms are open. ALSO THE KUSUO GLAZE? EXCUSE ME????

mikoko-hime!: kusuo and kinehairo are the only people i know that don’t actively go “OOOFUEUUEUE” to terukoko! i think the purple thing (the other one with glasses) said “oh hell” or smt cs it came up in my cutesy crystal ball or smt

ramenismyfool: i lobrvr bals 🤤

twinky tsundere hairpins: thats nice, maybe keep it to yourself next time 

hot bluenette ally: Nendou-kun, we can tell you do! :) Also, Mikoto-chan, that crystal ball?

mikoko-hime!: pmo all of you

aggravated assault hopeless gay mullet: no i think saiki is actually aro ace, last time we had a sleepover saiki came because of his mother because he wanted to spend time with me, shun and that oaf thing we were talking about hot girls cs we’re all jst narcissistic teenage boys, and all of a sudden saiki looked like lil bro could take on the devil i swear to offu. and basically i’ve never heard him show any interest in romantic relationships, or even platonic relationships atp.

delusional blue brick: The Jet Black Wings has assembled…! Also yeah that checks out, Saiki doesn’t seem very… Into girls?

aggravated assault hopeless gay mullet: or guys. but real

twinky tsundere hairpins: ???

dollar store shopper69: Ok, I guess the pink thing that stole Teruhashi-chan from me doesn’t seem all that interested in relationships, at least, not as much as that purple germ…

eternal diamond veronica: I have returned, and have becometh a new being; growth from my old pornographic-dwelling self. Please, if you, my dear peers and only branches of support, may bring it upon yourselves to forgive me, I will be utmost grateful. I thank you in advance.

twinky tsundere hairpins: that was fast. he really spawned, but i’m genuinely proud. 

delusional blue brick: SAIKI BEING PROUD?? I THINK THE DARK REUNION ACTUALLY GOT TO US ALL I’M SORRY FOR WISHING THIS UPON YOU ALL???

eternal diamond veronica: O EM GEE MY SMUTTY GOJO X GETO FANFIC UPDATED WHILE I WAS GONE YAYAYAYAYAY

eternal diamond veronica has gone offline.

mikoko-hime!: oh.

chiyopipi: It pains me to admit I was actually going to forgive this guy

dollar store shopper69: I have been proved right, yet again. The purple germ is.. Back.

aketouchi: see a doctor, toritsuka.

aggravated assault hopeless gay mullet: ok but who doesn’t read gojo and geto fanfics ???

mikoko-hime!: NO ONE DOES???

[A/N: mikoto in fact does read satosugu fanfiction. i’m questioning watching the show tbh but the reputation the fandom has is rather… off putting!!!! same thing with mha bc the authors are cool and make cool writing but people are uncivilised little ipad kids who need their internet access revoked. (cough the death threats directed at horikoshi cough what.) no but please i LOVE the characterization in mha from what i’ve seen/heard from my friends so far even though i haven’t seen it.]

twinky tsundere hairpins: aiura mikoto, pull out your ao3 search history. i’m tired of having you read twinky men making out IN PUBLIC AFTER YOU DRAG ME OUT OF MY HOUSE AND USE MY OWN MOTHER AGAINST ME.

mikoko-hime!: STOPTPTPTOT THAT WAS A PHASR THAT WAS A PHASE PLEASE IVE MOVED ON FROM THAT

dollar store shopper69: I genuinely don’t know why I even include you peasants as my friends, I don’t even understand the meaning of life.

aketouchi: nepo baby gets me. i don’t know whether to appreciate the fact that i actually have someone i can relate to, or the fact that said person i relate to is the rich kid with a low taper fade. low taper fades were funny like maybe a year ago. (also not you kusuo, i’m glad to be your friend <3 and being your friend is very endearing!)

dollar store shopper69: I could buy you.

twinky tsundere hairpins: absolutely not, also you’d probably regret doing so like 5 minutes after he talks your ear off yapping about idol girl rhythm games or the philosophical meaning of life. 

dollar store shopper69: Checks out

chiyopipi: O em gee blonde loud mouth you just got insulted by the guy you just said you loved are you going to take that?

twinky tsundere hairpins: he insulted you too though?

chiyopipi has gone offline.

aketouchi: i’m sure kusuo doesn’t mean it <3

dollar store shopper69: No, buying you wouldn’t profit. I mean it could but that’d take training, and unfortunately money cannot buy a lot of things as I’ve been lied to, it cannot buy back time. I would prefer not to waste my time.

delusional blue brick: Hey since when have you and Saiki gone off first name basis? That’s unfair T_T

dollar store shopper69: The blonde thing’s gayness will rub off on the air, and I would not want to be… Infected by PLEB homosexuality. The ones you can buy are way more superior.

aggravated assault hopeless gay mullet: BUY???

mikoko-hime!: no i think i just lost aura from creating ts hell hole what

Chapter Text

Chapter 5 - In Which Illness (both mental and physical) Takes Hold Of Our Dear Academy.

DEAD DOG STORE - 7 Members online. Press here for more info.

corn-fed little boy: Hello, everyone !!!!!!!!!! 🙂How is everyone doing today????????

miko-hime!: why thank you, sir haineshi. i fare quite well, thank you for asking.

eternal diamond veronica: “the horses were galloping” ahh

hot blonde lesbian: shut up you shlag that’s not even accurate

miko-hime!: i think your satosugu fanfic is actually getting cancelled you boy kisser

eternal diamond veronica: excuse me

hot bluenette ally: Good morning, everyone! <3

aketouchi: i’m certain i heard approximately this entire group chat, sans kusuo-chan and hairo-kun, go “offu!” at the same time.  

eternal diamond veronica: GOOD MORNING TERUHASHI-SAN <3

miko-hime!: aa gm terukoko !! :D

corn-fed little boy: Good Morning Teruhashi!!!!!!!!!! 🙂

hot blonde lesbian: GOOD MORNING MY SAVIOUR BEAUTIFUL LADY KOKOMI-SENPAI!!!!! /ref

chiyopipi: Good morning Kokomi!

aggravated assault hopeless gay mullet: gm guys + teruhashi

aggravated assault hopeless gay mullet: also anyone seen shun yet? it’s already like 6 AM so he should be walking to school with me, nendou and saiki? but he hasn’t showed up yet, and saiki jst closed his door shut on us 💔🥀

miko-hime!: haven’t seen the blue twink yet (the other one) but i think kusuo’s still sick

aketouchi: yep! can confirm, kusuo got sick. he kept denying it to me, though about what kuboyasu-kun said, one glance at the purple 4 eyes and the buttchin loser and kusuo lamented his lack of will to live and hatred for why god doesn’t appreciate him as much as he does other students! it was quite the sight to behold indeed. ah! you might be wondering as to why i am at the saiki residence, well simply it is because my mother who is friends with ku’s mother had delivered baked goods to kusuo’s house to return a favour! and i thought i’d just walk kusuo to school, except he’s sick so i’m nursing him back to health while he’s just in denial like the silly pink twink he is 💞but no i haven’t seen the blue brick (the other one)

chiyopipi: Nooo Kaidou hasn’t messaged me yet :( But I’ll let you guys know if I hear from him!        Also Akechi-kun, that’s really weirdly threatening! (^’’’’’^;;)/

aggravated assault hopeless gay mullet: ok i miss shun already BUT ARE WE IGNORING THE FACT THAT SAIKI, THE SAIKI KUSUO GOT SICK??????? I THOUGHT HE HAD THE IMMUNE SYSTEM OF STEEL BECAUSE I’VE NEVER SEEN HIM GET SICK. except the time he got sea sick and allergies but like thats different

hot blonde lesbian: noooo the warrior cats kid isn’t here?? he was actually kinda fun to talk to lwk.. anyways is that pink four eyes a chuunibyou too???

miko-hime!: vro kusuo is NOT a chuunibyou. but, it’s a whole lotta lore… heh… takes drag of cigarette… 🚬 

[Kusuo isn't "sick", it's euphemism for something else.]

hot blonde lesbian: go and put on your leopard print thong and take a flip off of the grand canyon please you loser

miko-hime!: and this is why kokomi likes kusuo more than you

aggravated assault hopeless gay mullet: oh…!!!!!!!

hot bluenette ally has gone offline.

eternal diamond veronica: this chatfic has so many loopholes, plus to contribute to the previous conversation I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO JUST TYPE OVER OTHERS IN DISCORD SERVERS, i haven’t heard from saiki-san or that blue twig. anyways haha i think i might kill myself bc my satosugu mafia fic jst got orphaned 💔

chiyopipi: Your what

aketouchi: you swine. you vulgar little maggot. you worthless bag of filth. i wager you couldn't empty a boot of excrement were the instructions on the heel. you are a canker. a sore that won't go away. i would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you. try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. the evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

you snail-skulled little rabbit. would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. may you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs. you are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. you are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. you are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. (i'll stop using the lowercases for aesthetics, mikoto-chan told me it made my writing pretty! but i think it just slowed me down on purpose so i don't yap as much)

And what meaning do you expect your delusional self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have to us who think and reason? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake? You are a waste of flesh.

You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed , drooling meatslapper. You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away. I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on.

This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half-baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective.

True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

You're an idiot. A moron of the highest order. You're so stupid it's a wonder and a pity you can remember to breathe. Intelligent ideas bounce off your head as if it were coated with teflon. Creative thoughts take alternate transportation in order to avoid even being in the same state as you. If you had an original thought it would die of loneliness before the hour was out. On an intelligence scale of 1 to 10 (10 corresponding to the highest attainable IQ) your rating is so far into negative numbers that one would need to travel into another quantum reality in order to even catch a distant glimpse of it.

Your personality is that of a rabid Chihuahua intent on destroying its own tail. Your powers of observation are akin to those of the bird that keeps slamming into the picture window trying to get that other bird it keeps seeing. You are walking, talking proof that you don't have to be sentient to survive, and that Barnum was thinking of you when he uttered his immortal phrase regarding the birth of a sucker. You are, at varying times, tedious, boring, and even occasionally earth shatteringly hilarious in your idiocy, routinely childish, moronic, pathetic, wretched, disgusting and pitiful.

You are wholly without any redeeming social grace or value. If God ever decides to give the planet an enema you'd better run like the wind because anywhere you stand is a suitable place for The Insertion. There is no animal so disgusting, so vile that it deserves comparison to you, for even the lowest, dirtiest, most parasitic member of the animal kingdom fills an ecological niche. You fill no niche. To call you a parasite would be injurious and defamatory to the thousands of honest parasitic species. You are worse than vermin, for vermin do not pretend to be what it is not. You are truly human garbage. You are a fraudulent, lying, predatory charlatan. You are of less worth than a burnt-out light bulb. You will forever live in shame.

You have nothing to say, and Godwin's Law does not apply when writing about you. You are the anti-Midas, for all that you touch becomes valueless and unusable. Mothers gather their children close when you appear. You are an aberration, a corruption, and a boil that needs to be lanced. You are a poison in need of being vomited. You are a tooth so rotten it infects the whole body. You are sperm that should have been captured in a condom and flushed down a toilet.

I don't like you. I don't like anybody who has as little respect for others as you do. Go away, you swine. You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, and a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon. You are a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. Meaningful to no one, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts that sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I wretch at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, and the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell? Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot. You are a waste of flesh. On a good day you're a halfwit. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away. I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, study, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time mastering. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libellous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystrophic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, abrasive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, and socially-demented.

Shut up and go away lest you achieve the physical retribution your behaviour merits.


eternal diamond veronica has left DEAD DOG STORE.

miko-hime!: reasonable crash out

corn-fed little boy: Akechi-kun, please teach me to type that fast!!!!!! 🙂So that I can follow in your footsteps!!!!

aketouchi: firstly go to your pantry, grab out the quenchiest, juiciest, most extravagantly elegant fork you find. so elegant you forget to breathe, when you look at the fork it simply reminds you of the minimalist beauty that is only found in metal utensils like this one. you lick it, lick it thrice and stroke it, as you would a gorgeous male’s penis. then, you unplug your mother’s vibrator charger – because she can’t afford a battery vibrator – from your power outlet and stick the fork right into it. it truly eases the pain. do not take this as me telling you to off yourself, see i had triumphed in this behaviour, it had messed me up and now i have the vocabulary of a middle-aged sailor who probably wets his bed every 5-7 nights.

corn-fed little boy: DOne AAnd D

miko-hime!: HAIRO NO????

aketouchi: @twinky tsundere hairpins PLEASE COME BACK I HATE IT HERE

hot blonde lesbian: damn vro 🥀the author of this stupid chatfic must have the attention span of a 4 year old with syrup on their face watching bread barber shop if she went from writing a list of people saying good morning, to conversing about people’s absences, to me getting clocked for being a lesbian, then to that stupid pissy face dissing the other pissy face with words i didn’t even know existed, TO STICKING FORKS INTO OUTLETS??????????????

chiyopipi: I don’t understand, but actually this is kind of real! I too have been targeted by the authors, so I’m glad you understand! ^_^

chiyopipi: AAAAH SCHOOLS STARTING I’M SO LATE!!!!
,,,,

[Intermission: I will foreshadow one thing. This chatfic will NOT at ALL go the way you expect it to. During this intermission, school has started for PK Academy and I really didn’t know what to make them say or do whilst this happens, because I chose a horrible timeline for them to be taking place in in general,

Till then, I have quite a long list of fandoms to write about that keeps getting longer, but for now, this is a silly little sneak peak for fandoms I might write about.
- Haikyuu
- Bungo Stray Dogs
- Banana Fish
- Migi to Dali
- 19 Days
- Insectarium Alternative March (note: I am not into the reader self-insertion in fics (sorry), so the Caretaker will be their own person, and not exactly as if it’s talking about the player in general. Why? Because the game itself doesn’t have much option for what the Caretaker might be like or how they react.)
- Mashle
- Project Sekai: COLOURFUL STAGE
- Merlin BBC (Once I finish it, trust)
- Given
- Runaway Girl
- I want to Cheat! (I WANT MIKU (not Hatsune Miku) LORE PLEASE 🙏)
- Sayonara, Zetsubou-Sensei!
- Voltron: Legendary Defender
- The Dragon Prince
- Delicious In Dungeon/Dungeon Meshi
- Harry Potter
- Alien Stage

This is the list I have right now, but I’m in a LOT of fandoms, so I might write about more. These are just the easiest ones to make media about to me I suppose.
(I should have put this in the end or start note, but I need to make this long so!!!! Grins with rizz.)

Anyways, yap aside, now the timeline for them today will be the fact that they are now at home after school.]

eternal diamond veronica: maths class was such a bust cuh 💔🥀the teacher pmo so badly i hope her vibrator malfunctions

hot blonde lesbian: unc you probably bust in maths class.

eternal diamond veronica: excuse me

miko-hime!: what

hot blonde lesbian: wait who added you back??

eternal diamond veronica: ah that was hairo

miko-hime!: ouh alr

chiyopipi: I do not like the connotations of “busting” but I am glad schools out!! Who wants to come to my place?

miko-hime!: OO ME!!!!

hot blonde lesbian: O EM GEE IF POSSIBLE WE SHOULD HAVE A SLEEPOVER! /nf (only if you’re okay with it yumehara-senpai!!)

chiyopipi: GENIUS WE TOTALLY SHOULD! @everyone SLEEPOVER AT MY HOUSE! THIS FRIDAY >:3333

dollar store shopper 69: Geez what was with the everyone ping? My house is probably larger and more suitable for a sleepover, all 8 of them are all big enough. The green glasses twerp though is horrified of bugs, so the cottage in the woods is a bad idea… Make that 7 houses.

hambgry: yayayasyay!!!!!!!!!!!@@221 i love sleeproverv!!! I hvetn been inviird to one ijn a l oolong time!!!!!

aketouchi: pinging everyone was unnecessary, but i am free this weekend! neither have i ever been invited to something like this by anyone other than kusuo, so i am excited!

chiyopipi: Well even to those who haven’t responded, I will drive over and force you all into coming over!! No isn’t an answer </3c

ramenismyfool: me thinsk that was aymed aat best buddy!!!!!!!!! oull up to ghis house Adn He is sure to come!!@#!!!!2`1 AKSO KINESHS A EY YIU OKAJYT???????????????

corn-fed little boy: Haha I SHALL BE ARRRIVING TO THE SAIKO RESIDENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF IT IS THE LAST THING I WILL EVER DO IN THIS SHAMEFUL LIFE I CANNOT EVEN CALL LIVING. And yes dear Riki, I am alright!!!!! :) 

Chapter Text

ok hi guys. i am so sorry for not posting for like MONTHS, stuff happened which resulted in me not being able to post.

i am unable to use discord anymore due to some of the new regulations in australia (i glazed that server i made sm in my end notes too 💔) and so to those who know me on discord and read this fic (somehow).. discreetly glances at yukimomo glazer and hualian glazer.. then i'll try to probably get onto discord?? idk guys i'm so cooked

expect more chapters (probably) in the coming future i think? i might rewrite this or smt idk, i keep getting second-hand embarrassment every time i reread this cs i wrote it on little sleep and little will to live.

ily all though, and tysm for the kudos and comments! it means a lot to me, and i will try to write more actual chapters soon ;;