Work Text:
It didn’t happen often, anymore. It used to. There was once a time it happened once every other night, even. Times where it spanned a whole weekend, but time passed. Time passed and days passed between incidents. Days, then weeks, then months. Never a full year, though, and Van could not help but be glad they had not hit that milestone. There is a part of her that thinks Tai might be glad, too.
It always started with waking up suddenly. Van never slept well after the Wilderness. Her body knew when things changed, knew when she was being watched with big brown eyes. That night was no different.
Except for Issa was two inches from her face.
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Van muttered under her breath as she flinched back. One of Issa’s hands flew quickly to the back of Van’s head, preventing Van from slamming her head against the headboard. The grip started tight, painful against the roots of Van’s hair, but softened quickly, then moved to petting Van’s hair. “Hi, Issa.”
Issa stared at her for a moment. Then, “Hi.”
Still a lower voice, still darker than Tai’s, but less so. She was dulling around the edges, though the biggest difference came from that first night in the hospital when Van woke to Issa – still Other, at the time, before Van decided that she needed a name – standing at the edge of the bed. When Van presented Issa with a real meal, Issa turned to Van with tears in her eyes, asking if she was allowed to eat the good food.
“The good food’s for Tai,” the one they would later call Issa, said. “I eat the bad food.”
And it was so child-like and innocent and all the things that Van thought this Other could never be, Van started crying. Not sobbing or loud, wrenching things, but quiet tears slipping down her cheeks. Issa’s eyes widened and Van, for the first time, found herself reaching for her, grabbing her hands, as if she could physically keep her there.
“Eat,” Van said. “Please.”
So Issa ate and Van tucked her back into her hospital bed. The next morning, Tai seemed…better, than usual, after Issa took her place.
“I don’t love the idea of you…being around her, all that often,” Tai said haltingly when Van explained what happened the night before.
“She kept you alive out there,” Van finally managed after a moment. “Don’t we owe her that at least?”
In the end, Tai didn’t have much of a choice in the matter. Issa chose when she came and went.
Such as the night when she appeared two inches in front of Van’s face in the bed she and Tai shared in New York, because Tai had to go to Columbia for law school. Not that Van hated it or anything, but she did like that little apartment they snagged in DC for Tai’s junior and senior year. It was a pity to leave it.
Van sat up, only for Issa to scooch closer, forcing Van to separate her legs under the blanket so Issa could all but crawl into her lap. Clingy, that wasn’t necessarily new, but the clingy had become less bitey, which Van appreciated. Or, rather, the bites remained on the correct side of gentle. Mostly. Turtlenecks could sometimes become necessary after an Issa visit.
“Hungry,” Issa said, dispelling any concerns that Van would need to wear a turtleneck in NYC summer heat. Thank God.
“Yeah, yeah, I figured,” Van rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, glancing over at the alarm clock on the bedside table. 1:00 AM. Fantastic. “What are you in the mood for?”
“Meat.” Why did Van ask?
“Mm. I’ve got some grilled chicken in the fridge. You want some of that and veggies?” Van asked.
Issa’s eyes narrowed. “Why?”
“…because you’re hungry?”
“Why is it ready?” Issa rephrased, eyes still narrowed. “You didn't know I was coming.”
“It was my plan for lunch at work on Monday. I meal prepped, it's a thing I'm trying,” Van shrugged. Meat didn’t bother her – well, specifically, chicken didn’t bother her. Goat and lamb were just fine, too, but beef? Pork? Those were no-gos. Tai never ate meat, nowadays.
It was always interesting, the things that Issa got to know about Tai’s life, when the only thing that Tai got to know about Issa’s came from Van.
“No,” Issa said, then, firm. “Something else.”
“Okay,” Van rubbed at her face tiredly. “Okay, let’s see what we have.”
Issa followed Van into the kitchen like a second shadow, watching over Van’s shoulder when Van opened the fridge. Once the fridge was opened, Issa rested her chin on Van’s shoulder. Clingy. Clingy and hungry.
“So, no chicken,” Van said, glancing to look at Issa, who nodded in agreement. She turned back to the fridge. “Hm…turkey? I’ve got some sliced turkey and cheese. I could make you a sandwich?”
Issa tilted her head one way, then the other, the top of her hair tickling Van’s cheek. She was looking at the door of the fridge. Before Van could ask, “…with mayonnaise?”
Van rolled her lips together. Closed her eyes. Willed herself to not laugh. “Yeah. I’ll make it with mayo. Go sit down.”
Issa grumbled, but nodded and headed over to the small round table they kept in the kitchen. It only sat two chairs and barely had enough room for one place setting, let alone two, but Van loved that little table enough to cart it up from DC. It was the first piece of furniture Van contributed to their DC apartment, with her first decent paycheck when she got promoted to store manager at the video rental down there. When Tai’s mother made an off-hand comment about them just selling all of their old stuff and buying new in NYC to save money on the cost of hauling everything, Tai shook her head.
“Van bought that table,” Van overheard Tai say, because Tai hadn’t realized Van got home yet. “You and Dad bought everything else for me and, of course, I really, really appreciate it, but Van bought that table with her first salary paycheck. It means a lot to her and I’m not paying for a U-Haul for one table, so we’ll just bring everything that’ll fit in our new place and sell the rest.”
Because Tai understood Van, to a level no one else ever could, understood Van to a point where it wasn’t even a question that they were taking that table. Thank God they did that, too. Thank God they brought that table and their bed and their couch and all the other little things of their old apartment, because that first night Issa woke up in the New York apartment?
That whole night was a disaster and Van was just glad it happened on a Saturday night, when Tai and Van both had the next day free to recuperate. Van woke up to Issa curled in a corner, sobbing, because Issa cried, now. It took hours, hours, of Van kneeling by the tiny little ball of tears and confusion, talking to her, until Issa even acknowledged her existence. Then, it was Van walking Issa through each part of the new apartment, showing her their bed that had the same quilt on the end that Tai’s mom made for her and the couch in the living room that had the quilt Tai’s mom made for Van.
(“Of course my parents don’t know about us,” Tai scoffed, when Tai’s mom gave Van the quilt. When Tai came back to DC after a visit home that Van didn’t join her on and Tai’s mom hounded her the whole time about why Van wasn’t there and how they could have rescheduled to better fit Van’s work schedule and that Van better be there at Christmas. When Tai’s parents didn’t even blink twice at Van moving with Tai to NYC, despite the fact that it meant completely uprooting her life.)
“It’s different,” Van admitted, as Issa sniffled into her shoulder on their couch, laying on top of Van, legs intertwined, while Van rubbed Issa’s back. “But different isn’t a bad thing.”
“It must be weird,” Van tried to explain to Tai the next day, when Tai asked why they both woke up on the couch and Van looked so exhausted. “I mean, she doesn’t really have any control over her own life, you know?”
Not since she started to change, after the Wilderness, becoming less of the powerful, wild thing that Van feared to…Issa.
Tai blinked at her. “…does she…have a life?”
“She has feelings,” Van said, because that was the only answer she could give Tai.
It was these moments that Van often found herself thinking about in the quiet moments of Issa’s visits, as she methodically put together a turkey sandwich the way that Tai used to like it, though with a bit more turkey because Van was not convinced Tai ate enough protein.
Except when Van went to place the plate on the table, Issa wasn’t there. Shit.
“Issa?” Van called, putting the plate down and walking back to the bedroom. Not there. “Issa!”
The chain on the front door was still locked. The living room was empty and the windows were still locked. On a whim, Van went to the other end of the apartment, to the other bedroom.
She found Issa standing at the foot of the bed in there. Glaring at it.
“Issa, what the fuck?” Van all but gasped in relief, slumping against the door frame as the sudden drop in adrenaline left her feeling exhausted. “You stay with me, remember? You aren’t supposed to leave like that.”
Issa never wanted to leave. Not anymore, at least.
“I don’t like this room,” Issa said.
That…
Had nothing to do with what Van said. “Okay? Then, don’t be in here?”
“Get rid of it,” Issa said, looking at Van. Firm. Demanding. More like Before then Van had heard in a long time, that sent a shiver down her spine as a vestigial response from a from a fear response that all but died ages ago in a hospital room in Canada.
“Of the…room?” Van asked. “I can’t exactly board it up.”
“Of that,” Issa pointed at the bed. “Get rid of it.”
“The bed?”
“Yes.”
“Why would I-? Issa, why do you care about my bed?” Van asked as the conversation flew far beyond what her sleep-addled mind could comprehend. Hell, even in the middle of the day, Van thought she would be confused.
“It’s not your bed,” Issa hissed, eyes narrowed now and she turned to glare at the bed some more. “Your bed is in the bedroom. This is not your bed.”
Then, Issa kicked the leg of the bed. Van wished she had a video camera, because this was exactly the kind of thing she wished she could show Tai – who was plainly not going to believe Van when Van tried to explain this shit in the morning.
“It’s my bed as far as everyone outside of this apartment is concerned,” Van said. “And we need it because of that. Why do you care?”
“This isn’t your bedroom,” Issa said. And, wow, she was really stuck on this, tonight.
Which was about when Issa started going after Van’s drawers. Opening them, rifling through them, pulling out Van’s clothes.
Was keeping a second bedroom entirely stocked with Van’s stuff overkill, putting up photos and movie posters and keeping all her clothes safely in there? Yes. Was it the only thing that kept Tai from completely banning anyone from coming over to their apartment? Also, yes. When you love someone, you live with their eccentricities: i.e. moving a twenty dollar rickety table set across state lines for around ten times what it would cost to replace it.
“Wha- Hey!” Van exclaimed, moving between Issa and the open drawer. “What are you doing?!”
“You are not leaving us!” Issa yelled, a bundle of Van’s t-shirts held to her chest.
“I’m not going anywhere!”
“You don’t get your own bedroom,” Issa said, then tried to sneak an arm around Van. Though Van tried to move in front of it, Issa managed to snag another t-shirt, looking vaguely triumphant as she added it to her little bundle. “We have one bedroom.”
For the love of God. “Issa. I don’t sleep in here. You know that.”
“But that room is all Tai,” Issa said, which was unfair.
Yes, the décor of the bedroom was more suited towards Tai’s tastes, but Van loved it like she loved Tai. There were plenty of times when Tai needed a quiet place to study and Van could lock herself in this bedroom with the TV she had set up in the corner and watch movies with bothering Tai. It was perfect, especially recently with finals coming up for Tai.
“Clothes don’t mean anything,” Van tried.
Issa seemed to think about that for a second. Nodded. Then, started grabbing the picture frames and VHS tapes off of the bedside table.
“Issa!” Van exclaimed, but Issa was already scampering out of the room.
Van chased her back to their bedroom, where she found Issa carefully placing her stolen goods onto the bedside table – only one, on the side that Tai usually slept, because two bedside tables apparently automatically meant two people sleeping in the bed. The book Tai was reading laid on the floor, carelessly tossed aside.
“Shit,” Van muttered rushing to grab the book off the floor, smoothing the creased pages and looking for the bookmark, grabbing it from under the bed while Issa kept rearranging. “Issa, Tai’s reading this!”
“Don’t care!” Issa almost sounded cheery.
“Of course you don’t,” Van sighed as she placed the book on the dresser and turned to see what Issa had done.
The picture of Van and Nat at Shauna and Jeff’s wedding sat proudly front and center in front of a picture of Tai’s family at her college graduation a little less than a year ago. A small stack of Van’s favorite tapes, the ones she kept on a rotation, now replaced the space the book took up previously. Issa had also grabbed the picture of Tai, Van, Nat, Misty, and Melissa from Melissa’s high school graduation, Melissa’s eyes still red because she couldn’t believe they’d come to her graduation in the first place (and because she couldn’t believe Shauna didn’t, even after everything in the end, but she only admitted that later that night to Van). Overall, Issa looked quite proud of her rearranging.
Though, combined with Tai’s own picture frame, alarm clock, and lamp, it was more of a cluttered mess than anything else.
“Now, time for clothes,” Issa said, turning to head towards the dresser.
“No, absolutely not,” Van moved in front of Issa. “Listen, we are not messing with Tai’s drawers, okay? You can mess with mine, as much as you like, I really don’t care, but Tai does. And I know that you don’t seem to care right now, but I care and if Tai wakes up tomorrow morning to her drawers not the way she left them last night, it’s going to ruin her entire day. You cannot do that.”
Throughout her speech, Issa’s eyes got narrower and narrower. “Tai puts too much over you. She cannot do that.”
“I’m sorry, are you criticizing my love life?” Van stared, because this was moving so far away from anything Issa ever did or said before. This might actually be the most Issa ever spoke, if Van were being honest. She rubbed both hands on her face, speaking into her palms, “What the fuck is happening?”
“You can’t leave,” Issa said. Van dropped her hands to find Issa speaking to the floor, clothes still clutched to her chest like a strange teddy bear.
“I’m not leaving-”
“Tai’s pushing you away,” Issa interrupted, stubbornly. “You were never this far away, there. You were right beside us, all the time, and everyone knew and no one would ever even think about trying to take you away and if they tried, I could deal with it. But, now, you say, no, no weapons and no fighting, and everything is different and you could leave us, now, and Tai is too weak to make you stay.”
“…in the Wilderness?” Van asked, because it felt impossible that Issa was referring to that, but nothing else made sense. Issa nodded. Goddamnit. “You know it was different, there.”
“I know,” Issa’s voice was soft, again, lost, again, and still looking at the floor. “And it was bad. And I had the bad food and I was…bad.”
Van’s heart hurt.
“But some of it was good. Right?” Issa looked up and Van wanted to cry. “Not- Not most of it. You got hurt. A lot of people got hurt. But some of it.”
Van rolled her lips together. “There was no one there that wanted to hurt us for loving each other. That was good.”
“You used to tie us together,” one corner of Issa’s mouth ticked upwards. “So I wouldn’t run away.”
“Yeah, you liked to do that, there,” Van said and Issa giggled, a sound Van never heard her make before. “Don’t laugh, you tried to walk yourself off a cliff!”
“You distracted me!” Issa protested.
“Mhm,” Van smiled. She held out a hand, “What about we go eat that sandwich? I put mayo on it.”
Issa looked at her hand. Then, the bundle of clothes in her arms.
“What if I put those on the chair, okay?” Van gestured to the desk chair, tucked neatly under Tai’s perfectly organized desk. She wouldn’t be happy in the morning, but less upset than having her drawers rifled through. “So they’ll be in here, but Tai won’t be upset.”
That, thankfully, was enough for Issa, who nodded and allowed Van to take the bundle of clothes. Van tried her best to make it look like less of a mess on Tai’s chair, then led Issa back to the table, sitting her down to eat her sandwich. When she finished, Van cleared the table, under Issa’s careful eye.
“Ready to go back to bed?” Van asked, once the kitchen was clean once more.
Issa nodded. Maybe she talked herself out for the day. When they crawled back into bed, Van drained beyond belief, Issa tucked herself as tightly against Van as possible. Then, when Van thought Issa had fallen back to sleep even as it eluded herself, Issa whispered into her sternum, “I love you.”
I. Not we, I. Issa always said we love you. This felt different.
And it felt different when, after a moment, Van whispered back, “I love you, too.”
It was complicated. This whole situation was complicated, but Van loved Tai and Van loved Issa and…that’s just how it was and how Van fell asleep that night.
And woke up to a soft hand running through her hair.
Van brought a hand up to rub at her eyes as she realized that her head was resting in Tai’s lap, Tai sitting up against the headboard and holding Van to her.
“Good morning,” Tai smiled down, glowing in the morning light as Van looked up at her.
“It certainly is,” Van agreed.
Tai chuckled a little at that as she looked away at something, but Van was content to lay there. Lay in the warmth, enjoy the lazy morning. Van liked Sundays, since she usually worked on Saturdays, being a video rental store and all. It was always better when Issa-
Then, the memories of the last night slammed into Van and her eyes flew open. “Shit, I can explain-”
“Issa visited,” Tai said. Not a question.
Van winced. She knew Tai hated when Issa took over, especially when Tai was worried about things like finals and needed the sleep. She went to get up, “I’ll clean everything up, I’m sorry. And she kind of threw your book, so I don’t know-”
Tai pushed Van back down, forcing her to rest back in Tai’s lap. “You don’t need to apologize.”
“She was just upset about stupid shit,” Van said. “She doesn’t understand-”
“She’s worried you’re going to leave us, because I insist on you having another bedroom and am pushing you away,” Tai said.
“…Uh,” Van didn’t know what to say as she looked up at Tai. “Something like that, I guess. How exactly did you know that?”
Tai held up a piece of notebook paper, “She wrote me a letter. After you went to sleep. Apparently, as long as she keeps at least one hand on you, you won’t wake up.” Tai glanced at the letter, “She also requests a different book option because the one I’m reading is, apparently, boring as shit.”
“How are you…feeling about all of…this?” Van asked, because Tai looked calm. Sounded calm.
Tai looked down at Van, scratched gently at her scalp. “I’m glad that she wrote the letter. It was helpful.”
Van scrunched her eyebrows. “Really?”
Tai nodded. “It was nice. To hear from her.” Tai paused for a moment, then, “She doesn’t sound scary in her letter.”
“She isn’t,” Van said. Because Issa wasn’t scary. Not to Van, not now.
“I’m scared that I’m pushing you away,” Tai said.
Which was the worst thing Van could have heard that morning, sending her stomach plummeting and she shot up in bed, now kneeling next to Tai. “I’m not going anywhere! I promise!”
How did one manage to fuck up so badly that both, typically opposed, sides of your girlfriend are convinced you’re going to abandon them? Van knew what it felt like to be abandoned, knew the pain of her father leaving in the middle of the night, and her mom leaving, but physically there. She never did determine which was worse and the idea that she was putting someone she loved through either feeling killed Van.
“I love you,” Van said, the words tripping over themselves in haste and anxiety. “I love you so much, I would never-”
“Van, honey,” Tai interrupted, calm. A hand rested on Van’s thigh. “I know.”
“Then, what is going on?” Van asked. “I can’t- I need to fix this.”
“Sit down,” Tai patted the bed next to her. Van went to sit and Tai pulled her close, wrapping an arm around Van’s waist and pressing a firm kiss to the side of Van’s head. “It’s not something you need to fix.”
“But I’m doing something-”
“I’ve been reviewing divorce law,” Tai interrupted again. “It’s got some of my classmates talking about their parents’ divorce. Someone made a joke about how they knew it was the end when their parents started sleeping in separate bedrooms.”
“I don’t sleep in that room, though,” Van said, petulantly, even to her ears.
“…you have a couple nights over the past two weeks,” Tai corrected softly.
“I fell asleep watching movies while you were studying!” Van protested. “I didn’t want to bother you!”
“I know,” Tai said. “Just like I know that you would drop everything and move states to be with me, twice. And take on extra chores when I’m stressed with school. And stay up with Issa, even when you have work the next morning.”
“I don’t have work today.”
“You do so much for me and I repay you by making you put all the things you love in a room we barely use and lock yourself away in there when I need to study,” Tai said. “That’s not fair.”
“I like having people visit our apartment, Tai.”
“And why would our friends be rummaging through our bedroom?” Tai asked. Then, shifted a bit, “Besides, are they really our friends if they don’t know?”
“I mean, I really like Elaine from work,” Van said, because she did. And the only friends they had that did know? Scattered to the wind and as much as Van loved Nat, she certainly wasn't chomping at the bit to invite Misty around any time soon.
“Yeah. Elaine,” Tai said the name like it tasted bitter.
“What’s wrong with Elaine?!” Van exclaimed.
“Nothing. Except she wants to fuck you,” Tai said.
Van felt like her eyes were going to pop out of her skull. “No, she does not!”
“Mm, she does,” Tai nodded with a slight grumble to her tone now.
“You cannot actually be jealous of Elaine.”
“I’m not, but Elaine drives a motorcycle and wears a helmet with the rainbow flag painted on the side and she probably knows things like the top ten best sapphic movies off the top of her head-”
“She’s gay and works at a video store, it would be pathetic if she didn’t,” Van interrupted. “And, also, I’m not super interested in myself, how narcissistic do you think I am?”
“You don’t drive a motorcycle.”
“Taissa!”
“She wouldn’t be forcing you to hide who you are,” Tai said. “And…I don’t know. When I met her the other day, I couldn’t help but think, Holy shit, I fucked up. Why the absolute fuck would I bring my super hot girlfriend to New York City, notoriously chock full of lesbians?”
“You’re jealous of Elaine.” Van could not compute this in her brain as she pulled away from Tai to look at her better.
Tai groaned, resting her head against the headboard. “You’re missing the point. You’ve never had options before. Elaine just made me realize that…you do.”
“Okay and by extension, so do you?” Van cocked her head to the side, still confused.
Tai looked at her, shocked. “I already have what I want.”
“So do I!”
But Tai shook her head, “You don’t.”
Okay, now, Van was getting annoyed. “Fuck you.”
“Hey!”
“I like our life, if you have a problem with it, then that’s your problem,” Van said as she got out of bed, pleasant lazy weekend morning glow successfully ruined.
“Wait, no, Van,” Tai started as Van grabbed her clothes from the desk chair. Tai grabbed her arm as Van came close to gather the stuff from the bedside table. “Please, sit down, I said that wrong.”
“You’re a law student,” Van deadpanned. Speaking was kind of law students whole thing.
“Surprisingly they don’t cover how to tell your girlfriend you think that you’re treating her badly and you want to change that in civil procedure,” Tai said.
Van sighed, but sat on the edge of the bed. Looked at Tai. “Explain.”
Tai took a deep breath, then began again. “I want you to move your stuff in here. Including your TV.”
“And what am I supposed to do when you have to study?” Van asked. “I like when you study at home.”
“I’ll get ear plugs,” Tai said. “And if that doesn’t work, then I can study in the kitchen, but my studying shouldn’t chase you out of our room.”
Van thought about it a moment. “What about when your parents visit?”
They already had a few close calls. Last minute trips to the city and deciding to drop in on their daughter. That time Mrs. Turner decided to help out and do Tai’s laundry and later made a joke about Van’s clothes having gotten mixed in at some point. Sure, maybe Van thought the Turners suspected something, but there was a big difference between suspecting and confirmation. Hell, maybe Van was wrong and the Turners just thought they were super-trauma-bonded.
Which. They were. That just happened after they started dating.
“I want to tell them,” Tai said.
Van’s jaw went slack. “What?”
“Yeah. I’m going to tell them today, when my mom calls,” Tai said.
“I don’t think that’s a phone call conversation,” Van’s voice went squeaky when she was nervous. And she was really nervous right now.
“It might not be, but it needs to happen,” Tai said. “It should have happened years ago.”
Except the words made Van feel sick, “I can’t be the reason you lose your parents. I’m not- You don’t need to do this.”
Tai grabbed Van’s hand in hers. “I do. I do need to, because I love you. This is our home. We shouldn’t be afraid of where we put things in our home, in our bedroom. I want to get a picture frame and put a picture of us in it. I want to get a second bedside table and fill it with your VHS tapes and have movie posters in our living room. This is our home.”
“You weren’t going to lose me,” Van said, because it felt important. “I promise. I’m not going anywhere.”
Tai’s hand moved up to cup Van’s scarred cheek, rubbing her thumb along Van’s cheekbone. “Humor me?”
“I love you,” Van said instead.
Tai smiled, gave her a quick peck of a kiss. “I love you, too.”