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Perhaps greed has always been man’s downfall, Jihoon thinks. It was supposed to be simple, as everything he envisioned his life to be. Much to do, yes, but simple nonetheless. He wakes up when he needs to, eats when he needs to, goes out when he needs to; everything was really dependent on whether he had to or not. There is joy in living so simply, cozied up alone in his small apartment. He calls his family once a month and meets up with his friends at least once a week. His job allows him to work remotely in the small studio space he managed to squeeze beside his bed. He found his life to be fulfilling and most importantly, enough.
There’s an itch he can’t scratch, a chronic reaction that leaves his heart aching for something he doesn’t want to name. It starts small and slow; set off by a kind gesture, a light touch, a thoughtful gift, and then suddenly Jihoon has acute tunnel vision, hyper analysing their every interaction, reading into every word. It’s frustrating, to say the least, but he can’t help it. It must be Soonyoung’s natural charm, being the bright star that he is, to shine whenever and wherever he is. He first meets him in the classroom, many years back. He had come up directly to Jihoon on the first day of class and told him, “You’re pretty.” Jihoon remembers his stunned, automatic reply (“I’m a boy.”) to which Soonyoung had just shrugged and suggested they be friends. He remembers the sunny smile directed at him once he shakes Soonyoung’s hand and felt warmth, even through his padded jacket and the rain pattering outside the classroom. He had to bite his tongue to stop himself from saying it back, “You’re pretty, too.”
They got along too well, each putting in effort to stay beside one another. When Soonyoung decides to join a dance club, Jihoon joins the school band, and they wait for each other after practice to walk home together. When Soonyoung tries a hand in choreographing, Jihoon is there to support him with his own music samples. When Jihoon starts drinking Coke often, Soonyoung is there to remind him to drink water but still have cans of Coke stocked up in his household for whenever Jihoon comes over. When Jihoon decides to enter a specific university through music, Soonyoung does the same through dance. Something about friendship with Soonyoung was so easy, almost instinctual to Jihoon. They’ve known each other for so long, and gone through so many things together. He felt lucky to be able to have someone like– no, he was lucky to have Soonyoung as his best friend. The latter was always better at making friends, and soon their circle of companions expanded to more than just the two of them. Jihoon is always grateful, because this group of friends shifted into something akin to family as they grew older.
Now 29, it’s safe to say he can handle himself better than when he was still a bumbling teenager, but he owes much of his youth to Soonyoung, even till now. Their friendship has stayed more or less the same; Jihoon meets up with him more often than he sees the rest of their friends, they still text almost everyday about casual life updates and they still show each other their newly completed works first. The problem is Jihoon’s greed. Come to think of it, Jihoon has never had any real, tangible goals. He had a very simplistic way of looking at life all this while. Slowly, he can see how his lifestyle changes after getting to know Soonyoung. He starts doing things he wants instead of just what is expected to live normally. He goes to the gym regularly with Soonyoung, he watches anime on his couch but doesn’t start a new series if his best friend isn’t there lest he starts pouting about broken loyalty, he starts composing more ballads with lyrics about pretty eyes and a loving soul; there is nothing that he does that Soonyoung isn’t involved in.
He’s tried to cure this… sickness of the heart, knows nothing good can come out of it because there’s just so much risk. He stopped hanging out with him for a bit, to put a little distance between them and maybe figure out what his own deal is. Three days later, Soonyoung knocks on his door with dinner; side dishes, extra rice and Coke and Jihoon can’t stand to see despair in his friend’s eyes, despite his strong feelings. That day ends with a movie marathon and Jihoon falling asleep in Soonyoung’s side on the couch, a strong arm curled around his shoulder. He woke up the next day tucked into his bed, a cup of water on his bedside table with a scribbled note that read ‘When the world is hazy, I listen for your heartbeat to guide me home.’ It’s a lyric Jihoon had shown Soonyoung once, never used in any of his published songs, and yet…
It’s when things like this happen, that hints that Soonyoung looks at him the same way Jihoon does, that he is thrown into uncertainty. “Maybe I should have wanted less,” he thinks one day, flopping onto his bed to analyse what exactly his best friend means when he cutely calls Jihoon ‘honey’ sometimes. This wouldn’t be a problem for him if he had just been content with the way things are between them. However, he acknowledges that human nature is inherent, bound to occur. It happens the same way he inevitably falls for Soonyoung, the only star that his universe holds.