Work Text:
It’s been a year since Seventeen disbanded when Jihoon has his first dream. It’s not vivid, he can’t really make out what he’s seeing, but he knows it’s someone. Someone’s back.
When he wakes up, he looks at the ceiling for a minute. He tries to remember, but it’s no use. He only sees their white t-shirt and black hair. So he lets it go and gets up, he can’t lose time on this.
Jihoon’s well aware that the group had disbanded because of him and Seungcheol. They’d been dating for seven years when Jihoon’s insecurities won, and he asked for a break-up. He thought it’d be fine, but it wasn’t. The group’s dynamic deteriorated as Jihoon and Seungcheol fell apart, until they couldn’t handle it anymore and Seungcheol left the group. Without him, nothing worked, so they decided to disband. It had been a fun six years.
Now they only talk on the phone, but Jihoon doesn’t have Seungcheol’s number, so he can only rely on whatever his friends tell him. Today he’s meeting up with Soonyoung for dinner, so he needs to get everything ready. They’ll get delivery, watch a movie, and Jihoon will probably ask about Seungcheol. “How’s he doing?” he’ll say, and Soonyoung will try to ignore him.
He does ignore him. The moment Jihoon opens his mouth, Soonyoung turns up the volume of the TV. It’s for the better, Jihoon tells himself, but he knows it isn’t. If it was for the better he wouldn’t feel like there’s a thousand daggers stabbing him at the same time whenever he doesn’t get to ask bout Seungcheol. If it was for the better Jihoon wouldn’t even think of asking about him. It isn’t for the better because he misses Seungcheol, and that’s not gonna change in the near future.
“Hoon, is something wrong?”
The TV’s off and Soonyoung’s staring at Jihoon like he’s just seen a ghost. He looks concerned.
“No. Why is the TV off?”
Soonyoung laughs and offers Jihoon the remote.
“You were out of it, huh? I’ve been talking to you for like five minutes.”
Jihoon’s embarrassed. His whole face gets red and he can feel his body temperature rising. He grabs the remote and turns the TV back on.
“I’m sorry, I’m just thinking about stuff. Nothing much.”
“What is it?”
Jihoon thinks about telling him about the dream for a second. Would Soonyoung help him understand? Would he be able to figure out why that dream happened? Maybe Jihoon’s looking too much into it, but it felt too real, too nostalgic, like he’d already seen that person before.
“Hoon?”
Jihoon’s startled by Soonyoung’s voice. It happened again.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah, I just couldn’t sleep much tonight.”
Soonyoung smiles and picks up his plate, then walks to the kitchen. Jihoon can hear the water running as Soonyoung washes his dishes, and the sound of the cabinets when he puts them back. He’s back to the living room with his stuff before Jihoon can notice he’s gone.
“I’m going now, you need sleep. Take care!”
Jihoon can’t even get a “bye” out before Soonyoung’s out the door. The only noise filling his house now is the static of the TV. It’s broken again. He tidies up and gets ready to go to bed. He doesn’t know why, but he hopes the dream won’t come back tonight.
It comes back, but Jihoon starts noticing details this time. Their hair is flowing, it seems like there’s some wind. Jihoon can hear leaves rustling and his steps as he tries to get closer to the mysterious person, but he never closes the distance between them. It’s like they’re walking at the same pace, going to the same place. Even if Jihoon ran, he’d never get to them.
He wakes up in a cold sweat, his hands shaking when he tries to lift himself up from the bed. Jihoon feels weak, like he hasn’t eaten in a week. So he gets breakfast and forgets about the dream for a moment.
But it comes back when he’s showering. Traces of the dream flood his mind as he rinses the shampoo from his hair. He sees that back again, that white, almost translucent shirt, and the luscious black hair. Jihoon’s trying to think of who that person could be when someone knocks on the door. He quickly gets out of the shower as he shouts: “Coming!”, and forgets about the dream for an instant.
“How’s everything lately?”
Jeonghan’s sitting down on his couch, beer in his hand, as he follows Jihoon with his eyes.
“It’s fine. Nothing’s happened, really.”
“I’m okay if you’re okay!”
Jihoon smiles at Jeonghan and goes to the kitchen. He holds onto the counter to avoid breaking down. He can’t do this, not right now. Not when Jeonghan’s here, because if he saw his weak side, the emotional part of him, he’d get to ask more, and Jihoon would eventually have to tell him the truth. He hears footsteps approaching and pretends he was looking for something in the fridge. Jeonghan enters the kitchen smiling and asks Jihoon where he can throw out the empty bottle of beer. Jihoon points to a glass trash can. Jeonghan gives him another smile before leaving.
“Why are you here?” Jihoon’s finally left the kitchen, and he’s sitting down next to Jeonghan.
“Do I need a reason? Can’t a friend care about his friends?”
Jihoon smiles and takes a sip of water.
“You know that’s not what I mean. It’s ten in the morning, you should be home sleeping.”
“Why aren’t you sleeping then?”
Jihoon notices Jeonghan’s tone. He’s trying to break through, to get into Jihoon’s head, to understand him. But Jihoon won’t let him.
“I was gonna go to the gym today, but you ruined my plans.”
Jeonghan smiles and stands up, stretching his arms.
“I guess that means ‘Leave right now, please’, so I’m gonna go now. Take care, I love you.”
Jihoon watches Jeonghan slowly walk to the entrance, and he waits until he hears the front door close before answering.
“I love you too.”
The dream comes back, and Jihoon can see more of that person. He notices now that their hair is short. The leaves rustling he could hear before are still there, but there’s nothing else that could give him a hint about where this dream is located. Maybe that’s not what matters, maybe it’s the person in themselves. He needs to figure out who they are. As the minutes pass, their features – or what Jihoon can make out of just a back – get clearer. He notices a black spot right below their neck, but he wakes up before he can figure out what it is.
There’s the sweats again, the shaking of his hands. There’s something inside him trying to tell him something, but he can’t figure out what it is. He has to put up with the dreams until he figures them out.
He goes to the gym today, and manages to get his mind off the dream as he lifts weights. Someone recognizes him and asks for a picture, but he refuses, telling them he’d prefer a private life now that he’s not an idol.
I’m not an idol anymore are the words that torture him when he showers in the changing room. Jihoon knows it’s all his fault, but he misses touring the world with his best friends, working on songs, and learning choreographies. He misses the nights he’d spent in the hotels with Seungcheol.
He misses him so much. Jihoon misses him when he changes clothes, and when he turns the keys to open the door. He misses Seungcheol when he’s making dinner, when he’s getting ready for bed, and when the blankets cover him. And so he dreams.
He can see that person again. The black spot is getting clearer. He makes out a shape, an olive tree, and he looks through his memories to figure out who this is. When he finds him, the dream’s about to end. Jihoon knows because everything’s getting blurry, because he can’t figure out what’s him anymore. But he manages to blurt out something before he wakes up:
“It’s you.”
He wakes up crying, his pillow wet because of the tears. His legs are cramping. Was he walking? He gets up and looks in the mirror. He looks a mess, but he gets to laugh at himself for a moment, to forget what happened that night. Jihoon immediately calls Soonyoung, he can’t handle thinking about that dream anymore.
“Hoon, you sounded really bad. Are you sure you’re okay?
“Yeah, just a bad dream.”
They’re playing Mario Kart, and Jihoon notices Soonyoung’s worried look on him. He knows there are eye bags under his eyes, but he couldn’t afford to sleep anymore. He didn’t want to see him again.
“Stop looking at me, you’re losing.”
Soonyoung screams when he notices his car about to fall off the road, and he manages to bring it back before it needs to be saved. Jihoon laughs as he crosses the finish line.
“I won! Do you want anything to eat?”
Soonyoung drops the controller on the couch and stays quiet for a while.
“Soon? You okay?”
Soonyoung looks at Jihoon and sighs.
“Seungcheol asked about you. He wants to know how you’re doing.”
Jihoon’s surprised by the sudden confession. He doesn’t know how to react. Should he be happy? Maybe sad? He can’t figure it out, so he just stays there and doesn’t say anything.
“I could tell him you’re fine and that’s it.”
Jihoon nods.
“Okay.”
But Soonyoung notices his sad expression when Jihoon goes to the bathroom. Soonyoung hears the water running for at least a minute, and he notices how Jihoon never flushes the toilet before leaving. He was crying, he notices that too because of his humid face.
“I should leave.”
“Why? We were just getting started.”
“Hoon, I need to get work done, there are some choreographies I need to go over.”
“Oh, sorry, you can go. Let’s see each other soon.”
Soonyoung smiles. “Sure!”
Jihoon’s left alone with his thoughts now.
He lies down on the sofa and falls asleep almost immediately. He dreams again, there’s him, his back, his olive tree tattoo. And Jihoon tries to speak, but he can’t get the words to come out. He can, though.
“Hey.”
Jihoon’s choking up, the sound of that voice he remembers well getting to his eardrums. And he smiles, because he always smiles, even though he hasn’t felt like it in ages.
“Who are you?”
Jihoon’s smile drops when he hears that. He doesn’t remember him? How? Is it because this is a dream? He wants to scream, to tell him “It’s me! It’s Jihoon!”, but he can’t, so he runs after him. This time, he gets to move and gets closer and closer, until he’s an arm's length away. So he goes to grab his back, but he wakes up.
He’s crying again. When he opens his eyes, he can see his arm held over him. Whatever he was doing in that dream, he was doing in real life too.
In the following weeks, the dreams all follow the same narrative. He sees him, his back. His tattoo. But nothing else, he doesn’t get to hear his voice again.
Until he does.
He goes to sleep, already thinking about the dream he’s gonna have. He’s used to this, to the back he’s seen a million times, the tattoo he’s touched another couple million times. The hair he’s always loved to caress. So he gets in bed, ready to see him.
It starts like it always does. Jihoon sees him in the distance, and his features slowly become clearer. Jihoon likes to get closer, not too much, because he’s afraid he’ll wake up. But close enough to see the tattoo.
It feels different. Jihoon can’t hear the leaves rustling; there’s only silence. Until there isn’t.
“Jihoon?”
Hearing his name makes Jihoon jump in place. He remembers him? He knows who he is? Jihoon thinks about getting closer, but he knows he can’t. It’d hurt too much, so he just waits.
“It’s been a long time.”
Great, it seems like he wants Jihoon to cry. He gets what he wants because Jihoon is crying. He doesn’t know if it’s out of happiness or sadness, but he’s crying. And for some reason, it feels good, almost relieving.
Suddenly, he disappears, and Jihoon starts running towards the empty space, but no one’s there now. There’s music playing. It’s a Seventeen song. Out of the blue, there’s dialogue.
“Why did you get this tattoo?”
It’s Jihoon’s voice.
“I love you guys, and I wanted everyone to know.”
It’s him.
“But you love me more, right?”
Pathetic.
“Of course I do.”
And Jihoon believed him.
He wakes up and dries his tears. He was used to just watching him, but now his subconscious was playing memories. This is definitely going to kill him.
Jihoon tries to figure out how to get rid of the dreams. Maybe he needs closure, a real goodbye, but he wouldn’t be able to get it. He decides on the worst thing he could do to himself right now: speak to Jeonghan.
They’re sitting on the grass, watching people walk around the park. There’s a breeze, and Jihoon’s hair is tangled, but Jeonghan’s stays perfectly still. Jihoon envies him, his features, the way he can control any situation. It makes Jihoon insecure, the thought of someone being better than him, but he’d always tried to ignore it.
The problem started the moment Jeonghan entered the green room, and Seungcheol couldn’t stop staring at him. They’d started dating recently, so Jihoon felt more jealous than he should, but that jealousy never stopped. Not even the day of the break-up. Jeonghan was always a big part of the relationship, either because of Jihoon’s insecurities or because of the way Seungcheol always mentioned him every time they fought. “Jeonghan told me I should do this! Jeonghan said this was okay! Jihoon, I asked Jeonghan about this.” It had always been about Jeonghan, but Jihoon never wanted to accept it.
“Jihoon? Are you listening to me?”
Jeonghan brings Jihoon back to reality. He was zoning out again.
“Sorry. I do that a lot lately.”
Jeonghan laughs. “It’s okay.”
“What were you saying?”
“I was just talking about how perfect the weather is. I was wondering why you wanted to meet up.”
Jihoon smiles awkwardly and takes out some of the grass below his legs. He turns it around his fingers.
“I wanted to get some things off my chest.”
Jeonghan’s lively expression turns serious. He’s listening. “What is it?”
“Well…” Jihoon breaks the strand of grass and grabs another one. “You’re gonna think it’s dumb.”
Jeonghan’s concerned, and he grabs Jihoon’s shoulder for reassurance.
“I’m not. You know I take you seriously.”
“Okay.” Jihoon closes his eyes. “I just… I wanted to know…” He opens them a little, just enough so he can see Jeonghan’s face. He’s waiting. “Did you and Seungcheol… ever confess? Were you ever in love with him? Was he in love with you?”
Jihoon’s eyes stay closed for the ten minutes that follow the question. He starts getting anxious when Jeonghan finally answers.
“I was. I really liked him, but he loved you, and I couldn’t get through that. Not that I ever tried, I respected your relationship.”
Jihoon’s mouth drops. Jeonghan did like Seungcheol. Of course he did, who wouldn’t? But why did Seungcheol not like Jeonghan back? Is Jeonghan lying to him? Is he still in love?
“Jihoon, maybe you should leave?”
Jeonghan’s voice hits him like a brick. He can’t help the anger in his voice.
“What? Why?”
“You’re crying.”
Jihoon brings his hand to his face. He is crying. He runs back to his place, thinking about what Jeonghan said at the park. When Jihoon gets home, there aren’t any tears left to cry.
“Jeonghan.”
It’s him.
“What?”
Jeonghan.
“We fought again. I don’t know what to do.”
Why is Jihoon seeing this?
“Cheol, do you need to talk? Maybe we can go back to my place and I can help you calm down.”
“That’d be great.”
No. Stop. Don’t go with him.
“Perfect. Let’s go.”
What are you going to do? Are you stealing him from me?
“He wasn’t.”
It’s him again. He’s speaking to Jihoon now.
“I’m in love with you.”
Jihoon turns around, looking for the origin of the voice.
“You were in love with me.”
He can speak now.
“No. I am.”
Jihoon’s knees give up and he falls to the… ground? It’s difficult to tell what’s what.
“You aren’t! If you were, you wouldn’t have let me leave! Why did you let me leave?”
“It was the best choice. I can’t keep chasing you forever. I do love you, but I can’t give up everything for you.”
“That doesn’t even make sense. Why do you never call me? Why do I only get to know how you’re doing through Jeonghan?”
“He’s my closest friend.”
Jihoon screams out of desperation.
“Just be honest with me! Please! Stop acting nice, stop saying good things about me. Tell me how much you hated me, how much you hated the way I acted. Anything. Anything that can help me get over this. I’m tired of seeing you in my dreams.”
“I’m being honest.”
Jihoon groans. “I’m tired of this. If you have to lie, do it, but let me get over you. I can’t let this consume me.”
“I can’t lie. This isn’t Seungcheol. It’s you. Jihoon, I’m your subconscious. This is what you want to believe.”
Jihoon starts crying. “No, it’s not! Please… just once. Tell me you hated me. Tell me you never loved me, that you were always in love with Jeonghan.”
The back appears again. It’s too close, inches away, and Jihoon wants to hold onto it.
“No.”
Jihoon smiles. “I’m tired of this.”
“See you tomorrow.”
He doesn’t wake up crying this time. He wakes up nauseous. He calls Soonyoung and tells him about the dreams, and soon enough they’re on the couch, eating ice cream. It feels nice to forget about it just for a second. But Soonyoung ends up leaving, and Jihoon’s left alone. He looks at his bed, still unmade. He hates going to sleep, he doesn’t want to. But he has to.
“You’re back.”
“Of course I’m back, you won’t leave me alone.”
“I like you.”
Jihoon lets out a sarcastic laugh. “You don’t. Stop that.”
The back appears in front of him. He can see the tattoo so well. He brings up his hand, but the voice stops him.
“Don’t.”
“Why? Can’t you let me have this?”
“It’ll end.”
“That’s what I want!”
There’s silence for a moment, like his subconscious – or whatever it is – is thinking.
“No. That’s not what you want. It’s what you think you want.”
“Just let it go. Please.”
Seungcheol starts walking. Jihoon tries to stop him, but he can’t.
“What’s happening?”
“I’m letting it go.”
Jihoon smiles. “Thanks.”
He watches Seungcheol’s back slowly turn smaller and smaller, turning into a dot in the distance. “I just wish he’d turned around.”
“He never loved you.”
“What?”
The voice’s gone. Now there’s only emptiness. Nothing’s there. It’s just Jihoon. God, he wants to cry, but he doesn’t want to leave. It’s so familiar, this space. He knows he’ll leave eventually, that’s how dreams work. And Jihoon’s sure he’s not gonna come back.
The first thing he does when he wakes up is text Soonyoung about it. The next thing he does is tell Jeonghan that he can date Seungcheol if he wants to.
Weeks go by with no dreams, and Jihoon regains his smile. He can finally breathe again, and he hasn’t thought of Seungcheol in a long, long time. It’s everything he ever wanted. He can finally move on. When he goes to sleep, he checks his phone for new messages. Since he doesn’t see any, he gets under the covers.
“He never loved me.” Jihoon whispers. “He loved Jeonghan.”
He falls asleep and wakes up to a message from Jeonghan: “Thanks for everything, Hoon. I’m glad you’re okay with us being together.” There’s a picture attached, and when Jihoon opens it, his heart breaks. It’s Seungcheol and Jeonghan, smiling. They look happy.
“You’re welcome.” he texts back.
But he never dreams of Seungcheol again.