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“Boss, I don’t mean to be rude, but this is the worst idea you’ve ever had.”
Hector waged a finger at Alexei, “That’s former boss to yew! And there’s nothing to worry about- I’ve made plenty of mistakes, but this isn’t one of them.”
Alexei stood at least five feet away from Hector, who was currently leaning on a lamppost and facing towards a bustling highway in the Sunrise Strip. The wind from the ongoing traffic slapped Alexei in the face, with each passing car making it harder for him to concentrate on his midafternoon snack. He could only let out a defeated sigh as a smattering of crumbs from his chocolate bar scattered into the wind.
He turned to Razzmatazz- who was the only other person paying this any mind- and asked, “Do ya think this is okay?”
After tugging his hat into place, Razzma sighed. “I mean… I’m not saying it’s a smart thing to do, but King has been telling me how seeking closure from difficult events can be healthy.” She leaned closer to Alexei and whispered, “Maybe this is just something she needs to do to get it out of her system.”
“Eggs-act-oh-mun-dough!” Hector declared- despite being a mortal, some of her senses were still heightened to a supernatural degree. She jabbed a thumb over her heart, eyes wide with excitement, “I only want to finish up a bad chapter of my life, is dat so wrong?”
Alexei recognized that look in Hector’s eyes. It was the same sheen they had when she explained the what the Bizzyboys represented- hope for the hopeless, meaningful change through hard work, and a true community they could all call their own- back when he had first joined the movement. This was the same look that was forever sealed in thirty-something-year-old interviews that declared her to be the face of a generation of misfits from the Drain and beyond. He was staring at the very beacons of optimism that helped facilitate her rise to godhood.
Upon realizing that there was no way he could talk Hector out of this hairbrained scheme, Alexei decided to switch tactics. “I guess that’s not a bad reason to do this. So, uh… could you walk me through the plan again?”
“Why certainly! Razzma, can you hand me yewr sketchy-book?”
“Of course.” He tensed up for a moment and retracted her hand. “Just don’t flip through it- most of the drawings in here are personal.”
With a wry smile, Hector tilted her head unnaturally far to the right and said, “Personal like doodles of yew smooching Lulu?”
After a few quick rounds of bickering, the pair agreed that Razzma would hold the sketchbook and show Alexei the relevant pictures. Hector straightened herself against the lamppost, flicked her tail, and began to explain her latest scheme.
“Ok, so, step one is simple. Firstly, I get to the intersection.” Hector took three steps towards the edge of the sidewalk and then tapped her boots together for emphasis.
“Step tew- I walk to the middle of the road.” Razzma showed Alexi a rough sketch of Hector beaming as she stood in the center of the crosswalk.
“Step three- I do what I came here for!” Though he had drawn something for this step, Razzma flipped past it before Alexei could process what he saw.
“That leads directly to step four, walk away even stronger and cooler and better than I ever was before…er!” There was an illustration of Hector in front of a cheering crowd with roses thrown at her feet. Based on the grim shadows that pooled on Razzma’s face, Hector probably asked for at least ten different versions of this sketch before she was satisfied with it.
Alexei bit back the myriad of problems he had with this plan, and decided to just ask one more question: “So does the specific one matter, or will any of them do?”
“There’s only one that I would trust for this- one thing that could truly cymbal-eyes everything I need it to.” Hector initiated a drumroll, which Alexei- who had always been prone to following the lead of whoever seemed the most excited about a given task- let himself join in. They continued the noise as they both whipped their heads to Razzmatazz.
He shook her head, which only egged them on further. As they raised the volume on the faux percussion, he sighed, walked over to Hector, and began to drum on the lamppost with a pair of paint brushes.
“Bada-bada-bada-boom!” Hector did a sweeping jazz hands gesture towards: “One of my nearest, dearest co-hearts who’s been through Drain and back with me- the campaign van!” She then gave a thumbs up to the van’s current driver- a fellow ex-Bizzyboy that Alexei hadn’t known personally. At her command, they pulled out of the nearby parking lot.
“And you’re sure-”
“Shush! All you old Bizzys talk way tew much.”
Upon seeing his face fall at her reprimanding, Hector leaned down to Alexei’s eyelevel. She grinned and spoke in the softest voice she could muster, “I’m sorry for that- I’m just tired of people thinkin’ I can’t make my own decisions. But, I do appreciate that yew are so concerned for little old me.”
“I just don’t wanna to see you getting hurt, bo- Hector.” Alexei mentally congratulated himself for not calling her ‘boss’ again. Meanwhile, Hector put a hand on his shoulder and gave it a light squeeze.
“Yer a sweet little guy, Alexei,” she said with a grin. Despite the whisps of gray hair throughout her scalp and the handful of wrinkles now etched into her skin, Hector’s eyes were clear and full of pride for her former employee.
After releasing her grip on him, she winked and added, “Don’t stop looking out for people- it’ll do you good in the long run.” As he stared into Hector’s indigo gaze, her eyes wandered down towards his hands. “Now, just one more thing, would you mind if I had one itty bitty bite of that for good luck?”
She nodded toward the chocolate bar in Alexei’s hand while wiggling her fingers. There were still about three quarters of the chocolate encased wafer left, and even now its mellow and saccharine aroma compelled him to devour it without remorse. However, he had learned through years of experience that sharing food with others made it taste even better to him. He made his decision: after a small nod, he held the treat out towards his former superior.
Hector grabbed the entire chocolate bar with her teeth, swallowed it in three bites, and clasped her hands together as she declared, “That was delicious, thank you sew much!”
Alexei tried to ignore the searing heat he felt rise on his face from the series of events he had just witnessed.
Before he could say anything, Hector returned to her typical height and said, “Ok- no more tiny talk- it’s time fer me to meet my destiny.”
With a peace sign given to her two companions, she pressed the crosswalk button. Her breath hitched as the last car careened from the streets, leaving her path clear to walk into the road. Despite how her tail began twitching with anxiety, she turned back to Alexei and Razzma with a wide smile.
“Don’t worry-” she shouted to both of them, “I saw this in an Annie-May once! Right, Razzma?”
As her face contorted to show a strange mix of frustration and utter befuddlement, Razzma elaborated, “I did think exposing her to some new art and stories would help her out of the depression she slipped into from being mortal again, but… dioses mio, I did not think she’d be this enthusiastic about it.”
Hector- who was blissfully unaware of this exchange- gave them both a thumbs-up before she returned her focus to the road. The grill of the campaign van was a mere ten feet from her.
As she attempted to steady her breathing, an ice-cold determination settled into her expression. She planted one foot firmly behind her and leaned onto the other.
A small beeping caught Alexei’s attention: the crosswalk’s meter began to count down. There were only twenty seconds left until the campaign van would move.
Hector began by saying, “This is for everything I’ve done wrong- for every person whose life was screwed over all because of me.”
Ten seconds- Alexei prayed to whatever god would listen.
“For Patty, for Godpoke, for my Cappy-chin, for poor in-oh-cent King- I’m doing this in honor of all of you.”
Five seconds- Razzma pulled at his scarf while the van’s engine hummed.
“I’ll never let my old mis-takes be stronger than I am now!”
Zero- the traffic light changed to green.
She let out a guttural shriek: “Paws of Fury!”
With this, the campaign van floored it, driving directly into the flurry of punches Hector attempted to inflict on it. For half a second, Alexei could have sworn that she was actually making progress in punching the van away from her. Then- just as fast as it happened- she was stopped in her tracks.
The truck hit Hector, sending her catapulting ten feet away into the nearest tree.
“Hector!” Alexei cried out as he ran towards the tree, already feeling tears streaming down his face. “Holy mother of Mitternacht, are you ok?!”
After a few seconds of stomach and heart wrenching silence, Hector coughed. She sat bolt upright in the tree with a mild irritation creasing her brow. With a small grunt, she hopped from the tree to the ground: aside from having a few leaves stuck on her face, she seemed perfectly normal.
“Ok, that one didn’t work either- I think I need to work on my left hook.” Once she spat out a stray leaf from her mouth, she turned to Razzma and inquired, “How many times was dat again?”
Razzma flipped through her sketchbook and added a tally mark to one page, “The current score is… Campaign Van: twelve; Hector: zero.”
Alexei glanced between the pair with his mouth agape.
“You’ve done this eleven other times?”
Hector nodded, “Uh-huh. And thirteen is gonna be the charm! C’mon Razzma- last one to the crosswalk is a rotten leg!”
After being left in the dust by the other two, Alexei pondered what in the Drain he had just seen.
It sort of made sense to him that Hector would want closure from her former identity as Inspekta, and having some sort of grand gesture to declare that did seem like something she’d do. However, the fact she had punched a vehicle made of solid steel, experienced what would be a series of life-altering injuries for most other humans, and walked away from it unharmed and eager to start this process again was baffling to him.
The only rationale he could apply to this is that Hector still had some residual godly powers. Whether this was normal for former gods or given to her as some sort of parting gift from her former pantheon of cohorts seemed like an interesting mystery, but not one he’d investigate personally. Maybe he could tell Grujaja about this concept later- as he had become a good friend of Bauhauzzo’s in recent months- and he could look into the history of ex-gods on his behalf.
Either way, Alexei couldn’t spend all day with Razzma and Hector. He had only run into the pair by chance while Bananathaniel ran his script by Click Clack for the umpteenth time, so he did technically have somewhere to be after his impromptu lunch break. As he strolled back towards Clicky Tower, he spared one last glance at Hector.
She was out of earshot for him, but he could see how bright her smile was. It looked like she was already discussing the next strategy she had concocted to win the battle against her beloved campaign van. Razzma then suggested something, and it made Hector so excited that she took both of his hands and began jumping up and down. It still didn’t make sense to him, but Alexei was glad to see Hector so enthusiastic about something that she couldn’t even contain it by standing still.
No matter how absurd the idea of Hector getting hit with a truck was, at least she was happy.