Work Text:
It was 1 am. James and Harry were asleep in the bedroom. Lily rarely had opportunities these days to be alone as they couldn’t leave their home. She went to grab a drink, some wine maybe, if she was feeling kind to herself. The kitchen was deeply cleaned, the whole house was. One would think with a nine-month-old baby they would live in chaos. Isolation meant they had free time and too many moments to think. So Lily cleaned everything until her hands were red from scrubbing. She opened the fridge, homemade meals that James cooked earlier that day filled the space. She picked up a bottle of water instead of the red drink, never listening to her wishes. When she closed the door, the window behind it had a perfect view of the full moon. As always, she thought of Remus, painfully. Before thinking much about it she picked a chair from the small side table and placed it to watch the night sky. Lily opened the window, letting the cold breeze in. She inhaled deeply, then let her breath out. After taking a sip of water, she let the bottle aside.
“I can’t believe I’ve come to this but I miss you so much.” Her voice broke a little. “I couldn’t -can’t- do it without you. So, Remus here’s the thing: I can’t stop thinking about our last conversation, you know, before me and my family were locked up.” She laughed humourlessly. “You asked me if I was alright. I told you I wasn’t but it was to expect as we are going through a war. I was lying, you knew I was lying. But you didn’t push, you never pushed. You are so kind, Rem. And you’re honest, that’s why I’m asking you, am I selfish? Because lately I’ve been thinking about me. Who I am.” It had been difficult to accept her deepest, darkest thoughts, however thinking about telling her best friend didn’t scare her at all. “You know how we used to talk about the future in Hogwarts. I was always certain. I wanted to graduate, study potions and become a teacher, have a family eventually. You know? when I was ready. And it’s not that I’m not happy with my life. I love my husband, I love my son. But for a while now I have been Lily Potter. The thing is I have no idea who she is. I don’t know what I want anymore. I’m a content wife and mother, but I want to be more. It pains me. Everyone is so worried about how everything is going to turn out after the war is over. I’m worried too, James is just asking what are we going to do after. I- I don’t know what to say to him. I keep putting that talk off. Isn’t it so selfish? Obviously, I want the war to end. But God I’m freaking out because I don’t know what will become of me. I will be lost, Remus. I am lost. I hate to admit it but I feel so alone.” She couldn’t help it any longer. She sobbed. Tears running down her cheeks. She just needed her friend. She held the closest thing to her, which happened to be one of Harry’s stuffed animals. Lily hugged it, wrapping her arms around it. She put her knees to her chest, to fully protect the toy. “I can’t Remus. I can’t do it without you.”
After some time, some long time of quietly crying, she gathered enough strength to keep talking to the moon. “Rem, promise me you’ll help me. Please, and I’ll help you too. We’ll be there for each other like we’ve always been.” Silenced hung for a moment. One last, single tear dropped. A little smile crept without realizing. “I can’t wait to hug you again and breath in the cinnamon of your clothes. I want to feel the weight of your head on top of mine.” She closed her eyes, picturing, grasping to memory.
She would think about him again many times before October 31st, and even on that day before a green lightning hit her chest. She thought about many things, James, Harry and Remus. The love of her life, her only son and her kindred soul.