Chapter Text
Oddly round Aziraphale waddled up to where the other angels were waiting for him to begin his presentation. Gabriel, Michael, Uriel and a few other angels Aziraphale wasn’t as familiar with were waiting in a semicircle in the vast expanse of Heaven’s main office. A few looked up and, judging by their expressions, immediately clocked his round abdomen.
“Good…um, evening, morning, whatever it is…I’m so sorry, I’ve been sleeping a lot lately.” Aziraphale immediately pinkened, realizing he had admitted to sleeping.
“Sleeping?” Michael raised an eyebrow.
“Yes, I’m doing some research on humans. Wanted to know what they find so intoxicating about sleep. You know, to help them resist sloth.”
“Don’t they physically need to sleep?” Michael asked.
“Mm, yes, they do. But sometimes they sleep more than they actually need to. Quite fascinating stuff, I can tell you. Now where -ah…” Aziraphale rubbed his abdomen for a moment. “Where was I?”
“Trying out sin to see what the appeal is.” Uriel commented.
“No! No, that’s not how I would describe it at all! I was simply trying to learn about the human experience. Heh heh…Anyway, wait till you hear all I’ve been doing to thwart Hell.”
Uriel folded their arms. The atmosphere was tense.
“Can tell you’re all very excited to hear about it. So!” Aziraphale conjured an easel with some posters on it. He began to explain at length how his recent interference in human lives was convincing humans to be nicer to each other.
“I’m sorry, I’m distracted… Why do you look like that.” Michael cut in.
“Look like what?” asked Aziraphale, trying to maintain his cheerfulness and appear genuinely confused. “I’ve always looked like this. Since the very beginning.”
“Trying out lying too?” asked Uriel dryly.
“Now see here. I have had this hair, and this face, and this vaguely roundish body-”
“Well, you have changed your body some, with eating.” Gabriel added.
“Hm. Yes. Thank you for that added bit of accuracy. But I think you’ll recall I was always a little bit rounded. I’ve never been one of those more spindly, angular sort of angels.”
“I’m not going to pretend nothing has changed. You’re having trouble staying upright.” Michael insisted.
“Yes, actually, if you don’t mind…” Aziraphale miracled an armchair into existence, and began the slow, undignified process of lowering himself into it. The angels watched in agonizing silence. “Ah. There we go.”
“They are right. Something has changed.” Gabriel said.
“You think so? Perhaps my body is a bit different. But then, the Almighty did give me a body capable of change. And who am I to question Her choices?”
Looks were exchanged.
“Any idea what this change is, at least?” demanded Michael.
“I’ve just become a bit plumper and a bit less coordinated, I suppose. Perhaps She wants me to age.”
“Now? After thousands of years?” asked Uriel.
“Well, that’s ineffability for you.”
More looks were exchanged.
“Perhaps you could continue with the presentation,” said a mostly clueless Gabriel.
“Certainly I -ow.” Aziraphale rubbed the same spot on his abdomen that he had rubbed earlier.
“Do you need someone to heal you?” said Gabriel.
“Nope, nope. Perfectly capable of healing myself.” He waved his hand and then forced a smile. “I feel so much better. Okay, so as you can see, just a few more weeks of this plan and we shall have victory.”
“Why are you feeling pain here,” said Uriel flatly.
“Pain?”
“You keep saying ow and making other sounds. Generally, no one feels pain here,” Michael stated.
“Oh. I’m not in pain. No. Ow is my thinking noise.”
Eyebrows went up. Aziraphale gave them all his most winning smile, valiantly fighting to ignore the powerful kicks he was receiving inside his body.
“There. You’re wincing,” said Michael.
“Do you know the last time someone was in pain Up Here?” asked Uriel snidely.
“Hm, no, can’t say I recall anyone ever being in pain Up Here.”
“It was the last time an angel fell,” Uriel replied.
“Well. Dear me. What a thing to mention. Such ghastly times, I try not to think about it. So, what do you think of my plan?”
“I think it seems solid. But what about the Demon Crowley?” asked Gabriel.
“What?!?”
“Well, he operates in your region, doesn’t he?” Gabriel said. Aziraphale could’ve sworn (if he were so inclined) that he heard someone snort. Aziraphale went bright pink.
“Um. Could you repeat the question.”
“What are you going to do about the Demon Crowley interfering in your region?”
“I. Yes. My region. Crowley.” Aziraphale was sweating more than anyone really had cause to in Heaven. He tried to summon up his courage. “I can assure you, he hasn’t found much satisfaction there.” Aziraphale immediately wished he could die. “Anyway. Crowley is relatively unaware of my actions. Being wholly evil, as he is, acts of good often strike him as unimportant, and he doesn’t usually notice my plans coming together until it’s too late.”
“Fantastic. Unfortunately, I have another meeting.” Gabriel left.
Aziraphale smiled awkwardly at the other angels. “Well. I’ll just be going then.” He now began the equally embarrassing -or perhaps even more embarrassing- process of trying to get up out of the chair. The other angels watched in silence, apparently having no other obligations at that time.
“You can all go. My presentation is over. Thank you for your attention though.”
“What’s going on, Aziraphale,” said Michael.
“Mrmph!” Aziraphale finally managed to get back to a standing position. “I’m going back to Earth to finish my plan. So the humans will choose good and fight evil.”
“I know the general premise of an angel.” Michael said.
“Ha ha. Yes. Alrighty then.” He waved his hand, and the armchair vanished. Aziraphale began waddling slowly away. Uriel followed.
“Did you need something, Uriel?”
“Mm.” Uriel pushed the button for the elevator.
“Oh. Going to Earth? It’s lovely there this time of year.”
Uriel just stared at Aziraphale. Aziraphale tried to act content as he waited for the elevator. He began absently stretching his legs.
“Still in pain?”
“Nope. Urgh. Just, um, keeping my legs in shape.” Aziraphale leaned against the wall so he wouldn’t lose his balance as he stretched his calves.
“Ah, yes, one of your new ‘changes.’”
“No, no, my legs have always needed their share of exercise. Keeps them in shape, so I’m ready for, um combat.”
“Is that what you call it.”
“Hm?” asked Aziraphale. His tone was pleasant, and his eyes said he was going to gut Uriel as soon as he found a new sword.
Just then, the elevator door opened. Uriel got in. So did Aziraphale, who had begun to look a bit sweaty again. Uriel leaned against the wall. Aziraphale pressed a hand to his mouth and took deep breaths. Uriel observed this. Aziraphale vomited all over the elevator floor. Uriel, looking disgusted, miracled it away. The elevator doors opened.
“So nice to see you again, this is my-” Aziraphale vomited all over the elevator again, and then waddled out as fast as his cramped legs could carry him. Uriel followed, this time not miracling away the vomit.
“So, either you’re cursed or fallen, by my calculations.”
“You think so? I suppose you should report me to The Metatron, and he’ll sentence me to something. Have a nice day!” Aziraphale began urgently waving down a taxi.
A taxi pulled up. Uriel watched in silence.
“I’m probably going to be sick in your taxi, but I’ll tip very very well I promise.”
The taxi driver weighed this in his mind, then nodded. Aziraphale climbed in.
“Where to?”
Aziraphale told him the address and Uriel could hear him vomiting and groaning as the taxi disappeared from their sight.
Crowley was vibing in the Bentley, which was parked outside the bookshop. It kind of looked like he was doing a stakeout. A taxi parked nearby, and Aziraphale pulled himself out of it clumsily. Crowley could tell, even from a distance, that Aziraphale was giving the driver much more money than he could have possibly owed him for the trip.
“Classic Aziraphale.” Crowley began playing with a keychain he had found at a bus stop.
The taxi pulled away, and Aziraphale waddled miserably towards the bookshop. Crowley got out and approached him, swinging his legs playfully.
“How did it go?”
“How do you think it went, with your malevolent spawn inside me.”
“Aw.” Crowley smiled.
Aziraphale gave him a sassy look as he unlocked the door and let them into the bookshop.
“They could tell it was kicking, I couldn’t get into or out of chairs, my legs started to cramp up again as I was leaving, and then right in front of Uriel I vomited all over the elevator.”
“Poor Angel.” Crowley considered for a moment. “When you say they could tell…”
“Well I’m not sure they actually knew what was happening,” as he spoke, Aziraphale began trying to get into an armchair in the corner. “But I said ‘ow’ which they thought was strange, because of course no one feels pain in Heaven! And I kept forgetting I couldn’t touch the spot where the little foot was hitting me.”
Crowley tried to help guide Aziraphale into the chair.
“Little hellion.”
“I am convinced it is a demon.”
“Well, to be fair, Uriel and the lot aren’t that likable.”
“What does that have to do with it?” Aziraphale frowned up at him while attempting to take his shoe off with his other foot.
Crowley knelt and took the shoe off for him. “Maybe it was just trying to convince you to leave their presence.”
Aziraphale smiled briefly at the shoe assistance, and then looked worried. “I’ve actually worried about that. What if it doesn’t like being in Heaven? It might feel scared there.”
“Because it’s a demon?” Crowley removed Aziraphale’s other shoe.
“Yes. Of course, we don’t really know it’s a demon, or what it is exactly. I suppose it’s some sort of nephilim. But still, if it takes after you…”
“Don’t worry, little spawn. Aziraphale will protect you from the bad old angels.”
“I certainly will.” Aziraphale went limp in the chair, and stared miserably at the ceiling. Crowley watched him.
“And I’ll protect Aziraphale.”
“Oh.” Aziraphale gave Crowley a begrudging smile.
Crowley grinned back playfully. He became a snake and slithered onto Aziraphale. Aziraphale stroked him fondly.
“I’m so grateful to have my helpful snake co-parent.”
The snake smiled, which was unsettling but sweet. He wrapped around the baby bump like it was an egg and placed his head on Aziraphale’s chest.
“Oh! That’s cute. You’re genuinely excited about this baby, aren’t you?”
Sassy tongue-flick.
“Now, no need for that tone. Of course you’re excited, I know, but it’s just nice to see. You don’t know how miserable it is working on this child. It feels good to know someone’s looking forward to the end result.”
Affectionate nuzzle.
“Well you only have one more month to wait. Then you can help take care of it.”
The snake did a satisfied sigh and closed its eyes, which would be fine except snakes don’t usually have eyelids. Aziraphale giggled, which caused the bump, and consequently the snake, to bounce.
“You are so strange,” gushed Aziraphale lovingly.
“Aw, so are you.” hissed the snake.
The next day…
Crowley considered what to do with the strange keychain as he walked down the sidewalk. He tossed it in the air and caught it. He then dropped it in a lady’s purse. He noticed a half-pound and picked it up. He flipped it. Shax fell into step alongside him.
“Ok, heads, I… Oh, hi, Shax.”
“Crowley,” she said, nodding in acknowledgement.
“Still rocking the Margaret Thatcher look, I see.”
“I don’t look like Margaret Thatcher.”
“Ok, sure.” Crowley flipped the coin again, checked the side that came up, and looked disappointed.
“What does that mean you’ve got to do?”
“You don’t want to know. So, what brings you to this neck of the woods?”
“I was in the area and Hell asked me to go and see you. They want to know what’s up with the Principality Aziraphale.”
“What’s ‘up’ with him? Can you be more specific? There’s always something ‘up’ with him.”
“They just said that something seems to be ‘up’. Apparently Heaven is having him watched, and he’s supposed to be the one watching for Heaven, so something is up.”
“Do they think he’s working for us?”
“Could be.”
“I mean, as far as I’m aware, he’s not, unless you know something I don’t.”
“He’s not, which is what’s weird.”
“Why do they think he’s working for us? What has he done?”
“I’ve told you all I know. Have you noticed anything strange about him?”
Crowley laughed.
“Does that mean he’s often very strange?”
“You have no idea.”
“But has he seemed stranger than usual?”
“Can’t say that he has.”
“Alright. Check in if you find out anything.”
“Roger that.” Crowley flipped the coin again, and looked pleased.
“And don’t do anything stupid.”
“Disappointing.”
But Shax had already disappeared into the crowd on the street. Crowley was not altogether surprised, and wandered towards the bookshop, scanning for potential angels. There didn’t seem to be anyone strange around. The bookshop had a sign on the door that said: so incredibly closed because owner craves the sweet release of death.
“Oh my.”
Crowley entered.
“Excuse me, what can I get for half a pound?”
“A reminder that picking up random things you find on the sidewalk is strange,” groaned Aziraphale. He was laying on the little couch near his desk, with a pillow under his bulge and a blanket over his head.
“Worth every penny,” Crowley put the half-pound on the counter, then went over to Azirapahle.
“Every muscle in my body hurts and I keep vomiting completely at random. I ruined a book.”
“Poor Angel. And bad little hellspawn.” Crowley knelt next to the couch. “I could, um, move the pain around in your body. It wouldn’t hurt less, but it might… I don’t know… provide relief? Be a change of pace? Something like that.”
“I can tell you’re going to be so useful during my labor.”
“Shoemaking and obstetrics.”
“How did our existences get so wildly out of hand that Bildad is becoming real.”
Crowley laughed and placed a hand on Azirphale’s side. Aziraphale put his hand over Crowley’s.
“I have to go to Heaven in a few hours. We have an important management meeting.”
“Can’t you skip?”
“Why not, you know how angels don’t really care about discipline or rule following.”
Crowley sighed. “Hm…” He suddenly groaned painfully.
“Crowley??”
“Oh, you are achy, aren’t you? Ow…”
“What on Earth…?”
“I’m feeling it. Trying to… ow… draw it into me.”
“Crowley. That is so sweet of you.” Aziraphale moved the blanket so he could actually look at Crowley. Crowley’s eyes were screwed shut.
“Is it working?”
“Yes. I feel much better. Oh, you poor sweet demon.”
Crowley vomited. Aziraphale miracled the vomit away and tried to suppress hormonal happy tears.
“Maybe we can do this… right before you go…”
“Yes, perhaps.” He kissed Crowley’s forehead.
Crowley gave a small smile and laid on the floor. Aziraphale put the blanket over him.
“Poor Angel…”
“It has been difficult. I don’t know why we made this process so hard, when humans need to do it to continue as a species. You’d think we’d’ve made it more enjoyable.”
“Oh, don’t pretend you haven’t been all giggly this whole time. You enjoy that a baby is coming.”
“Yes, that’s true.” Aziraphale gazed happily at the framed ultrasound picture on his desk.
“Although, yeah, the sensations are less than desirable…By the way…” Crowley adjusted the blanket and looked up at Aziraphale. “Erm, you should know that, apparently, Heaven is keeping tabs on you.”
Aziraphale nodded with an expression that was grim but not surprised. “Yes, I suspected as much. Michael and Uriel are suspicious.”
Crowley nodded. “I think they may have reached out to Hell to ask about you.”
“Heaven doesn’t reach out to Hell about things. Do they?”
“Well, I learned that you were being watched from Shax.”
“Hm…” Aziraphale laid back and stared up at the ceiling worriedly.
“Anyway, I told her you’re extremely strange, so I haven’t noticed anything.”
“I suppose that’s fair,” said Aziraphale, smiling down at Crowley. Then his expression became slightly distressed. He sat up slowly. “Crowley…”
“Yeah, Angel?”
“I didn’t get a chance to mention this the other day, but…When I was in pain, in Heaven, Uriel said…Well, they said something about how the only people who are ever in pain in Heaven are angels in the process of falling.”
“Hm? Oh. Uriel is a prick.”
“I know Uriel is a prick. But is that true? Did it…hurt?”
Crowley momentarily became preoccupied with the underside of the couch.
“Oh, well, erm… It’s not a big deal, Angel.”
He heard a small sniffling sound from the couch. Crowley sat up and looked at Aziraphale. Aziraphale was crying just a little bit.
“Oh, Angel… I’m fine now. Well, no, I’m feeling those cramps, but generally speaking…”
Now Aziraphale started to cry in earnest.
“You’re so sweet,” sobbed the angel.
Crowley got off the floor and onto the couch in one fluid motion. Aziraphale did his best, considering his large abdomen, to pull Crowley into his arms. Crowley placed his head on Aziraphale’s shoulder (as best he could).
“I’m fine, Angel…”
“I know you’re fine. I just hate the thought that you ever had to be not fine.”
“Oh, Aziraphale…”
“And-and I just cry more now that I have a baby in me. I’m t-told it’s normal.”
“Damn, pregnancy is intense.”
“It’s not for the faint of heart, certainly.”
“Well, thanks for taking it on.”
“Oh, you’re welcome. I can’t wait to meet our baby.”
Crowley looked down at the baby bump thoughtfully. For a moment, it seemed to move slightly.
“Is it kicking?”
“No, but it is shifting around a bit. The baby is quite restless.”
Crowley lightly touched the baby bump.
“I’m often restless, too, little demon seed.”
“That’s probably why it moves so much. It’s trying to saunter around and drape itself over furniture, but it doesn’t have the room.” Aziraphale had stopped crying now, and seemed to be regaining a little composure. Crowley laughed.
“Soon, demon seed. Soon.”
Aziraphale rubbed the bump.
“Then I can have my body to myself again.”
“And you can stop making your poor parent vomit all over the place.”
“I think when I left the other day, the elevator actually went back up to Heaven full of vomit.”
“Ew!”
“I know! I hope it didn’t make anyone suspicious, but either way, it’s not how I like to leave places I’ve been.”
“That’s so gross. Wait, didn’t you say Uriel followed you? Why didn’t they get rid of it?”
“They did the first time, but not the second. And I don’t know why. Maybe to make people suspicious of me.”
“That’s so gross. But if it went down to Hell, no one was probably surprised.”
“Dear, why is Hell so gross in all of your descriptions?”
“Because it is gross. Told you you wouldn’t like it.”
“Thank you for not making me go.” He gently kissed Crowley. Crowley blushed slightly.
“Anyway, we send maintenance requests from time to time…”
“You do?”
“Yeah. Cleaning, fixing the leaks, the fact that the elevators don’t always go all the way down…”
“Hm. But I’m certain if you had sent requests Heaven would have seen -oh. Right.”
“Mmhm.”
“Sorry.”
“Eh, don’t mention it.”
Aziraphale cuddled Crowley some more. Crowley enjoyed this, lost in thought. Aziraphale shifted a bit on the couch.
“So hard to be comfortable when there’s a big, heavy nephilim squished in amongst your organs.”
“Yeah, that sounds pretty uncomfortable.”
Aziraphale buried his face in Crowley and sighed.
“Angel,” Crowley said, “Have you given more thought to a name?”
“I have thought about it quite a bit, and I’m no closer to picking anything.”
“Eh, me neither. We’ll probably end up naming it after whoever delivers it. That happens in a lot of things I watch.”
“Well, that is one approach, certainly.”
“But then, what if I deliver it?”
“You know, maybe we should talk more about who is going to deliver it. Do you think I can go to a hospital?”
“Hm… maybe. How weird do you think the birth will be?”
“I don’t know. Maybe storms suddenly form and frogs fall from the sky. Maybe the baby just comes out.”
Crowley nodded. “I wish we could know which one it would be.”
“Yes, but we can’t. Our baby is possibly unprecedented in all of history.”
“Good for you, nephilim.”
Aziraphale smiled down at his abdomen slightly guiltily.
“Here’s to the Bringer of Chaos,” Crowley added.
“I think I’m going to veto that name suggestion.”
“That’s a shame. Well, we’ll keep thinking.”
“Keep thinking about the name, and keep thinking about the birth. We need to not terrorize humans, not draw too much attention from Heaven or Hell, and ensure the health and safety of me and the baby.”
“Not too many things, then.”
“Yes, so simple. And we have to keep in mind that this could happen at any moment, starting as soon as now and ending as late as maybe a month and a half from now.”
“Wait, did you say as soon as now?”
“I am eight months pregnant. It’s entirely possible.”
Crowley became lost in thought again. So did Aziraphale.
“Oh, look at the time. I should really be getting ready.”
Crowley put a hand on Aziraphale. “Shall we?”
“Alright, but please be careful. I don’t want you to feel too bad either.”
“Eh, don’t worry. I have a pretty free evening.” Crowley grinned and closed his eyes. He then made an unpleasant sound.
“Thank you, my dear.”
“Ergh… Sure. There. Did that work?”
“I don’t feel nauseous at all, and I can’t feel any of the cramps, lower back pain, joint pain, or intense congestion.”
Crowley nodded, looking green. He tilted himself over slowly into a laying position. Aziraphale stood up slowly. He waved his hand and the blanket from the floor floated gently onto Crowley. A bucket appeared next to the couch.
“You can rest here, as long as you like. But try not to be seen.”
Crowley nodded, then quickly grabbed the bucket and vomited.
“Poor thing,” commented Aziraphale, though his tone did not express pity so much as a sense that justice was being done.