Archive of Our Own ^beta

Sion is the leader. When he'd joined SM the idea of leadership wasn't even something he could imagine. He was still a teenager, a bit gangly and awkward and not all that coordinated. That Sion– often shy and awkward and fumbling and bad at making friends– that is who Sion is trying to lead now. The Sion of today is the person that the Sion back then needed. 

Even if it is difficult (even if it becomes painfully obvious why there wasn't anyone like him back then, even when it would be so much easier to just look out for himself and no one else, even if it feels like he's carrying the brunt of five people on his back) he will stand with his weight evenly balanced and be the leader that his team needs. 

That is why when Yushi– always closed off and guarded Yushi, the only constant presence in Sion's life for the last five years– when that Yushi slips his hand into Sion's own and links their fingers, Sion will always squeeze back tight. Sion does not let himself think too much about how this is the first time they've done this, or how well their hands fit together, or how if Sion leaned in and kissed him Yushi would kiss him back, definitely. In that moment, Sion is the leader and Yushi is the only one he's leading. He cannot jeopardize this, for anything. 

It is also why, after grueling months of competition and practice and image meetings (Sion is the leader he must be leaderly he should be like an elder brother ) and more practice, when Riku collapses against Sion’s shoulder and plays with his fingers and starts doing that ramble talking with a whole lot of hyungs that veers dangerously into flirting territory– Sion hands him a bottle of water and ruffles his hair and does anything at all to get him to stop talking before he says something Sion can't resist. Playing around with these feelings is dangerous, especially for him. Sion is the leader . 

In the end, when Sion is awake when he shouldn't be, when Riku has spent all night trying to coax Yushi into some unspoken dare, when the lights are off and the credits are rolling and nearly everyone in the room is dead asleep, when Yushi sneaks his way around to Riku's side and kisses him so gently on the lips– Sion does not act as the leader. 

Riku hides embarrassed laughter behind his hands and Yushi mumbles something in Japanese with this charming dusting of pink on his face and Sion should stop this. This is too dangerous, especially so early, they've barely gotten a proper group name. 

Sion does not stop them. He closes his eyes and pretends he does not hear Riku kiss Yushi back. As long as they're quiet about it. Maybe it's good to get it out of their system within the group (it isn't, it's so dangerous, one of Sion's leadership mentors warned him about this) where nobody will see them. At least if they're focused on each other, Yushi might stop teasing and Riku might stop flirting. Selfishly, it is the best for Sion like this. 

Sion does not talk to them about it the next day, or the next, or a week later when he catches them kissing out of the corner of his eye, tucked behind some old equipment at a broadcasting station. Sion is the leader, so he probably should, at least to warn them to be careful. He decides to keep his lips shut and leave Pandora's box closed, instead. 

Yushi was the first trainee to talk to Sion when he joined SM, if you consider pointing at papago on his phone and mumbling a few words in Korean to be “talking.” Back then Yushi was so blatantly a kid– obviously the youngest of them all and concerned with little more than snacks. 

Sion has only been a trainee for a week when it becomes painfully obvious that Yushi is being bullied. There’s no attempt to hide it. At first he thought it may just be the burden of Yushi being the youngest. The language barrier poses an obvious problem. Maybe Yushi doesn't talk to any other trainees because he's shy. It's not like Sion has made any fast friends. 

Then Sion watches a couple of trainees mock his accent. Not far from him, Yushi drops his head to his chest and a shaky exhale escapes his lips, so hesitant and quiet it seems like he's afraid to be heard even breathing. Later that day during vocal lessons Yushi misreads a word and gets scolded by their teacher and he stares at the floor with his face hot with shame and tears barely restrained in the corners of his eyes. The barely stifled laughter in the back of the room rings crystal clear to Sion. It probably does to Yushi, too.

On the rare moments where the older trainees are around, things are calm. Whenever they're left alone with no supervision– Sion and Yushi and the other young trainees– things get worse. It's during the weekly evaluation (Sion's very first evaluation, his first opportunity to prove that he can be more than just a pretty face) when pressure is high and everyone has something to prove that the facade finally breaks. Whatever careful tightrope they've all been walking is snapped. 

Yushi is tripped. Sion can see it perfectly from his position in the back. He falls hard on one knee and Sion winces in sympathy. Yushi gets up and keeps going but they are scolded anyway, Yushi worst of all. Sion is hardly acknowledged as existing. He can't figure out how the people scolding them didn't see that Yushi falling was not his own fault, and he certainly can't fathom the idea that they know and don't care. 

When everyone leaves and it's just the few of them left alone in the training room things spiral quickly. One of the trainees pushes Yushi up against the wall and tells him it's his fault they got scolded. Sion watches Yushi hold his tongue and stare past his aggressor and Sion doesn't miss the way his eyes burn with a desire to talk back. He's smacked in the back of the head twice but eventually he's let go. 

They don't do much practicing and Yushi makes himself scarce quickly. Sion sits quietly with his back against the mirror and his stomach growing sicker and sicker with shame and guilt and anger at himself for not doing or saying anything and how badly he'd have hoped for that if it had been him instead. Two of the trainees turn on music and crank it up loud and Sion slips out as inconspicuously as he can. 

Sion does not know Seoul. Mokpo is a city but it is no equivalent to a place as densely packed and sprawling as the capital. He finds a convenience store eventually, filled to the brim with every brand he's ever heard of. He finds his way back to the trainee building embarrassingly slowly and wanders around aimless until he finds Yushi, crammed into the corner of a sitting couch hidden behind an energy drink vending machine. 

Yushi's eyes are tinged red in the sort of way that makes it obvious he's been crying. He won’t look at Sion but he at least doesn't seem scared of him. Sion holds out the ice cream he's bought– strawberry, he doesn't have a clue what Yushi likes– and offers it to Yushi with what he hopes is a genuine smile. It's a mask over the guilt and pity (and quietly growing affection, too). 

Yushi is hardworking and resilient but he's also still a kid. He takes the ice cream. Sion is still a kid too, despite his insistence to his parents otherwise, so when Yushi breaks the frozen treat into two, Sion accepts the other half.

“Thank you,” Yushi tells him, quiet as if he's afraid to be heard. He draws his knees closer to his chest and only looks directly at Sion briefly. Sion is not naive. He's painting a target on his own back. Yushi eats his ice cream quickly and Sion swears his eyes practically glitter. 

The next morning some staff member pulls him aside and berates him for sneaking out of practice because of course those other trainees wouldn't miss an opportunity to tattle. His wallet is confiscated and he's put on some ultra lean diet by “coincidence” and Sion learns quickly that being a trainee at a place like this means he should only look out for himself. Yushi sits beside him the next time they have a lesson together and Sion decides that all rules should have exceptions. 

They are testing Sion. It's all a little too obvious. A new debut team has been finalized and Sion's not in it. There's a steady trickle of new Japanese trainees every month. Sion has been more or less assigned to mentor one of them. He knows where this is going. 

Riku is easy to mentor. He is diligent and so trusting of Sion, there's none of that guardedness that most of the trainees adopt so quickly. As soon as Sion told him to call him hyung Riku started saying it at every opportunity. Hyung alone makes up the vast majority of the korean that comes out of his mouth. He so obviously thrills at the word, the mere concept of it. 

Riku blushes when they make eye contact and won't look directly at Sion and this too is ridiculously transparent. Sion almost starts to wonder if this is a test too– if Riku was just another trainee going through SM's revolving door maybe Sion could indulge a little, or at least let himself think about it. The problem is that Riku is good . He picks up Korean fast even if he’s a bit shy to speak it and when he dances he looks genuinely happy. He laughs easily with Sion and he smiles more than tolerantly. Riku might be long term. Even worse, Riku might be permanent . 

Sion learnt quickly that being a trainee at a kpop agency presents him with some very specific challenges. Not falling head over heels for every cute boy that looks in his direction is the biggest one. Sion has always been easily swayed. It takes very little to get him blushing and Riku seems to go out of his way to stick in Sion's head every spare moment he can get. 

Despite both of their shyness and their lack of classes together, Riku and Yushi make fast friends. Yushi finally having someone close in age who speaks his native language leads to the two of them getting closer in two months than Sion has to Yushi in three years. 

“What do you think about Sion?” Riku asks Yushi one day in Japanese, the two sitting close enough to speak privately but Sion eavesdropping nonetheless. Yushi glances in Sion's direction and Sion does his best spacing out impression. Yushi purses his lips as if he's thinking up something profound. 

“He's nice,” Yushi delivers without indecision. Riku blinks at him a few times before bemoaning Yushi’s brevity. Sion feels his ego deflate and does his best not to let it show on his face. 

“He's nice? That's it ?” Riku rolls his eyes and leans close into Yushi’s bubble. “You're telling me you haven't noticed he's probably the hottest guy on Earth? Just nice , huh?” Riku speaks in slang that Sion can only guess at but the message is obvious. Yushi’s eyes go wide and his face goes red and he looks right at Sion who can't stop the tinge lighting up his own ears. 

“Sion is–” Yushi stutters, pushing Riku away from him, “He's really good at Japanese,” Yushi supplies, almost tripping over his own tongue. Riku looks at Yushi in confusion before the words connect in his brain. He turns white. 

“You’re very handsome, hyung,” Riku says to his face during their next dance lesson. Riku's avoidance of eye contact has evolved to his eyes being near constantly locked onto his own shoes. “You should, uh– give me tips,” Riku slurs around the choppy korean in his mouth. Sion convinces himself that Riku's accent is not earth-shatteringly endearing. 

“Thanks,” Sion replies breezily, like there isn't a massive elephant in this practice room. At least if Riku can't look at him, he won't know how scorching hot his ears are right now. “I'll pass though, you're handsome enough already,” Maybe Sion's voice wavers a little at his own subtle confession, “I don't need more rivals.” 

Riku's hands slap against his own cheeks, hiding the heat burning up his skin behind his fingers. He's smiling involuntarily, and even partially hidden behind his hands it's breathtaking. Sion is momentarily dizzy with want. It'd be so easy to just take whatever he wants from him. There's a pretty life for him with this cute Japanese boy nibbling at the back of his brain. Sion would like to take him on a date and kiss the lips hidden behind those pretty hands and hear him say hyung over and over again. 

Except Sion knows what's coming. A debut hard worked for and long awaited is cresting the horizon. If any of these new trainees are going to make the cut, it will surely be Riku. The two of them are having these one on ones because the company is grooming Sion to be a leader. The addition of Japanese classes to his training schedule is about as obvious as it gets. He cannot risk this. 

“Let’s get back to practice, okay?” Sion requests. Riku agrees and the tension diffuses. Riku meets his eyes a few times in the mirror and he laughs at something Sion says that wasn't even remotely funny. Sion only thinks about kissing him a little bit.

Sion learned very early in knowing Yushi that he is unattainable. Yushi is pretty, and cute, and cool when he wants to be. Yushi can be surprisingly sweet when it suits him and absolutely vicious when cornered. Most of the time Sion has little idea what is going through Yushi's head, if there are thoughts in the first place. Sion knows Yushi, probably better than most people in the world– at this point he's got to be in the top five, at least. 

Sion definitely knows Yushi well enough to understand that fishing for affection from him is fruitless and trying to push his limits is pointless when he's so good at evading. Yushi only behaves in the way he wants to behave, and it's a fact that makes Sion jealous late at night when he can't sleep and his brain starts to run rampant. Sion can't halt the automatic laughter in his chest and he can't stop the easy embarrassment burning up his ears. His own body is unruly and his voice falters. Yushi makes it all look so easy in comparison. 

Most of all, Sion knows that Yushi will never be his. It doesn't matter how much he pines, how kind he is to him, how long he stays by his side. It must be inherent, something buried deep within Sion’s soul– some polarized magnet lodged in his chest that repels Yushi. The little smiles Yushi reserves strictly for his phone, the way he'll walk around with his face glued to the screen, the awful slivers of conversations that Sion catches when Yushi thinks he's alone. Yushi speaks in Japanese and Sion isn't fluent enough to grasp his words but he knows Yushi and the fondness in his voice is obvious. 

Sion is right next to Yushi in flesh and blood every day of the week but Yushi prefers some pixels on a screen of a boy back in Japan that he hasn't seen in person in years. The universe is cruel and unfair to Sion– to present him with Yushi only to deny him from the start. Yushi has been unavailable before Sion ever had a chance. 

“Have you ever kissed someone?” Yushi asks him one day during a lull in their practices. Seollal is rapidly approaching and downtime is imminent. It might be the last bit of it they get in a long while if the influx of ambiguously important people watching their training performances is anything to go by. Yushi struggles with his Korean around the word kiss, clearly still foreign on his tongue. 

“I've kissed people,” Sion tries out a nonchalant approach despite the unavoidable burning of his ears. It's not as if Sion has ever really been for want of suitors. Yushi doesn't need to know that every kiss Sion has ever shared has been a bit impersonal– every relationship inherently temporary, interest born of physical attraction and little else. Shallow, ultimately meaningless and brief relationships are his bread and butter. 

“I kissed a girl in elementary because she asked me to,” Yushi's face scrunches up a bit in disapproval. He's silent for a time which is hardly out of character, but there's an edge to it. “I got approved to fly home during the Seollal break,” Yushi shares, as if it is wholly unconnected to the previous conversation. Sion is not nearly stupid enough to not connect the dots. 

“Do you want to kiss someone back home?” Sion offers. Completing Yushi's thoughts for him has become an increasingly common habit. Yushi nods in quiet agreement and if Sion was a little less jealous of a person he'd probably coo at him. It's no wonder that Yushi has wound up in this line of work when he's that cute without even trying. Sion buries that thought in the deepest reaches of his mind the moment it appears. 

“I haven't done it before,” Yushi adds context in still fairly stilted Korean, “When I left we weren’t like that yet, and I just–” Yushi halts himself, a crease appearing on his nose while he wracks his brain for the right words. “I want to be cool ,” Yushi finally gives up and slips into Japanese, thankfully more than simple enough for Sion to track.

“You can't get better at kissing by talking about it,” Sion can't stop his laughter, Yushi is endearing enough to thaw out a small chunk of his frozen, bitter heart. “You just have to do it,” Sion can only offer up worthless advice. 

“Then show me,” Yushi requests like he's asking Sion to demonstrate some tricky piece of choreography. He leans in closer and has the gall to look Sion dead in the eye, as if Sion's whole world didn't cave in at the mere suggestion. 

“I- I can’t be your first kiss,” Sion stutters on the words, leaning away from Yushi in sheer self preservation. “It should be that boy you like, not me ,” Sion can feel his own heart tremble at Yushi's unwavering stare. 

“I just told you I already had my first kiss,” Yushi snaps with surprising certainty. He rolls his eyes as if Sion is the one out of line. 

“That definitely doesn't count,” Sion sputters at Yushi's rebuttal, “You didn’t like her, did you?” Sion asks even though the answer is apparent. Yushi looks more like he wants to throttle Sion than kiss him. 

“ We don't like each other,” Yushi counters, shockingly bitter, “So it shouldn't count either,” He finishes the statement with a small shrug as if he didn't just deliver the most devastating news possible. “It's just practice,” Yushi concludes, and he leans forward again, inching into Sion's space, eyes watching him intently. “Right?” He asks, or rather challenges, staring at Sion as if he's daring him to argue otherwise. 

Sion has been cornered. Every organ in his body has shriveled up and coalesced into a cold sludge in the pit of his stomach. If there is one thing he knows for certain, it is that kissing Yushi will push him past the point of no return, and he cannot afford to go down that road. 

“I'm not going to kiss you,” Sion tries to come across light-hearted and unaffected, a fleeting laugh and shrug, a desperate attempt to defuse whatever the hell all of this has been. “Your first kiss should be with somebody you like who likes you back,” Sion reiterates, refusing to indulge in Yushi's own bizarre rule bending. 

“Okay,” Yushi concedes. He eyes Sion's face and lips before slowly encroaching into his space. He gives Sion ample time to rebuff him, almost comically so. Sion should just push him back or stand up or do anything to follow through on his words. Instead he lets Yushi lean into him and press a delicate and chaste kiss to his mouth. 

Like a fool, Sion immediately folds. He presses back against Yushi ever so lightly, tilting his head to make things more cohesive. Yushi's lips are soft and Sion catches a hint of that strawberry lip balm he's seen him carrying around once or twice. 

“How was that?” Yushi mumbles, pulling away just a tad and eyeing Sion's newly kissed lips. Whatever facade of nonchalant confidence Yushi had been fronting dissolves like sugar mixed in water. His brows draw together and he frowns a bit, nerves evident. Sion's heart melts and softens like butter, just as quickly. 

“More like this,” Sion murmurs, because if this is really happening (and it's certainly too late to go back now) then he should do it right. He leans in to gently kiss Yushi, slowly until he is pliant. Sion tilts Yushi up by the jaw and this is incredibly unfair of him. Yushi is too old to be unkissed, someone like him should have been getting kissed twenty times a day rather than pining for somebody a thousand miles away. Sion could have been doing just that this whole time. Maybe he would have been, if some punk hadn't slithered his way into Yushi's heart before Sion even met him. 

Sion has been jealous of Yushi’s phone boyfriend before, as shameful as it is to admit to himself, but he's never hated him before this moment. Maybe it's spite that drives him to kiss Yushi a little deeper than he needs to. Sion kisses until Yushi is breathless and that stupid online boyfriend could never dream of comparing. 

There's a small and twisted little bit of satisfaction in the idea that Yushi is going to go and kiss this guy while acting like Sion. He's going to kiss like Sion and smell like Sion (if his suspicion that Yushi has been sneaking his cologne lately are true, at least) and in Sion's most shameful fantasies Yushi might steal his clothes and look like Sion too. Sion nips at Yushi's lips for good measure, overcome by the need to be territorial. 

Sion likes to cheat. Generously, he likes short cuts– caffeine to keep him going past his limits, alcohol to dissolve his perpetual nerves, sweet talk to get him points with the managers who might draft him into a debut team someday. It's not like he's crossing a boundary into true deceit, but he's not foolish enough to try and weather life clean and sober. 

To Sion's chagrin, Riku is the opposite. His attempts at charm are incredibly transparent (even if that is charming in its own way, Sion must admit) and he seems to take some sort of sick pride in his own mild suffering. Riku will decline Sion's generous offer of caffeine in the morning even when Sion knows he's managed a maximum of two hours sleep. He will casually deny pain medication for a headache for no good reason. It is infuriating. 

Typically Sion would let it be. Maybe Riku is an idiot who refuses to take care of himself, but that isn't Sion's problem. Except it is, because SM has made Sion this guy's unofficial ward, whether Riku realizes it or not. Riku isn't really good enough at Korean to parse the vast majority of the things happening around him. He has thrust himself practically deaf into this gruelling ordeal and he's always looking around a little wide-eyed and helpless. 

Riku won't accept help so Sion has to get creative about it. If Sion just so happens to hand Riku something with caffeine in it and he takes it– hey, everyone wins here. If Sion spends several weeks convincing Riku that there is some deep cultural significance to a hyung offering his dongsaeng collagen gummies, maybe that reaches into the territory of real deception. It's for a good cause. Yushi definitely notices this farce but he is at least kind enough not to shatter Sion's facade. 

“You really don't have to do that,” Riku interrupts Sion's thoughts. He has made himself busy patting Riku down with a towel during a break in their one on one practice. Riku sweats very easily. Sion thought he had a problem, but Riku is in a league of his own. 

“I'm just taking care of my dongsaeng,” Sion tells him, a phrase that has become a bit of a mantra. Riku sips water through his straw noisily and has the gall to roll his eyes. The guy won't even make eye contact for more than a few seconds but suddenly he’s comfortable enough to give Sion sass. 

“I know you're just making all of these Korean customs up, you know,” Riku catches Sion's eyes in the mirror in front of them. He gives Sion what is probably a no-nonsense glare, but he mostly just looks pouty. Sion smiles at him to hide the embarrassment of getting caught. 

“Are you accusing me of something?” Sion adopts a mock offense. He does not stop diligently patting Riku down because now if he does he's admitting something– whatever that something is. Admitting that he likes Riku and wants to care for him? Is that supposed to be a secret? He asked the guy to call him hyung on day one. 

Riku narrows his eyes at Sion. This is easily the longest they've ever held eye contact, even if it's not actually face to face. He's appraising Sion, silent and ominous. They've known each other for only a handful of months and Sion has certainly learned that Riku does not pick his words. He is unwieldy, prone to blurting things out without thinking. Riku actually mulling over his words is oddly terrifying. 

“Do you have a crush on me?” Riku finally delivers and Sion was so right to be afraid. Sion would like to think it wasn't obvious how he wanted to cower and hide the second those words left Riku's mouth, but faced with his own reflection he knows that isn't true. Riku smirks around his straw. He looks satisfied– devilish, even. 

Riku has evened the battlefield. Sion has known that Riku considers him the hottest person in the room for weeks. Now Sion can no longer sit easy in ambiguity. The look on his face makes it obvious. Riku has the nerves to giggle in amusement. 

“It's only natural, Sion,” Riku teases, his smile blooming impossibly wide and toothy. “If you're someone who likes boys– if I wasn't me, I'd like me too.” Riku's grasp of Korean makes the sentiment a bit obtuse, but Sion has gotten remarkably good at parsing fractured Korean over the years. Riku has seen through him, easily. He probably figured Sion out a long time ago and had just lacked the bravery to call him on it. 

Usually this is uncomfortable for Sion. Not that he's especially insecure about the whole liking men thing on an internal level–it's the external perception that gets to him. There's an idea of an Oh Sion that he'd like to exist. Being an idol is as much about image as it is skill. Sion might not be there yet, but he's still trying . 

Riku is like him. He doesn't really try to hide it, but maybe he will someday. He’ll probably have to try at least a little if he wants to debut. Usually this doesn't change things for Sion. The discomfort of being known like that doesn’t differ regardless of who it is– the family he’s reluctantly told, the so-called friends he stupidly confessed to as a preteen, the handful of other men he's dated. None of that changes the dynamic for him. 

Except this time it doesn’t feel like Sion just had a bandaid ripped off of an ugly scrape. There's a brief sting, sure– but it doesn't feel like he's just exposed something raw and vulnerable to the open air. Oddly, Sion feels comfortable. It's like taking the bandage off only to see that the wound had finished healing and you'd been covering it for nothing. 

“You're cute, Riku,” Sion confesses casually, like it's the easiest thing in the world. “But I really just want to look out for you, honest.” Sion flattens out some of the mussed up hair on Riku’s head to prove his point. At once Riku becomes bashful, shrinking away from Sion, a return to normalcy. 

“Okay, okay,” Riku puts his hands up to block Sion’s hands. “I'll try harder then,” Riku promises vaguely. He gets to his feet to evade Sion and moves to turn the music back on. “Show me this part one more time and I'll go to bed early, I promise.” 

Tomorrow is Sion’s first performance as a member of NCT. Sure, his team might have the worst placeholder name possible and the day he actually debuts is a total ambiguity, but the fact is that from tomorrow onwards he will be known to the world as Sion– from NCT. He has just emptied yet another plastic cup of coffee at a truly ungodly hour to be caffeinated and from his spot across the practice room Yushi pulls a face of blatant disapproval. 

“You're not going to sleep,” Yushi says, somewhere in the middle of an observation and a scolding. The fact that the two of them are still here at this hour means that surely neither of them will be sleeping. Riku ushered the kids off to bed hours ago and even Daeyoung with so much to prove has turned in for the night. 

If there's anyone Sion would want sitting across from him in this moment, it is Yushi. There isn't anyone he's ever wanted to debut with more. Being separated from Sohee stung and losing Jungmin still makes Sion miserable. The idea of being here without Yushi, however, is unthinkable. Yushi blows hair out of his face and frowns at the clock somewhere over Sion's head. 

“I wasn't going to be able to sleep anyway,” Sion admits. In a practical sense Sion understands that he and Yushi are a team now, but the what-if's are ever present in his head. It really isn't too late for some executive to pull the plug or some scandal to materialize out of thin air or god forbid another injury. They're still just trainees in the same practice room they've always used. Things are happening too quickly for Sion to not catastrophize. 

Yushi hums a small agreement and tilts his head back against the mirror to stare up at the ceiling, arms wrapped protectively around his knees. Yushi has always had his guards up, no matter how many layers deep Sion has embedded himself. In the grand scheme of Tokuno Yushi, Sion has surely only scratched the surface at best. 

“Let’s do something fun,” Yushi asks, a bit too monotone even for him. It's a carefully measured request, distilled into perfect meaningless ambiguity. Realistically they've both reached their limit of practice for the night. Anything more would only be detrimental. Realistically they should have both called it a night and gone off already. Realistically Sion is too greedy, too reverent to cut short any alone time with Yushi, even if it is simply sitting across from him in silence. 

“Okay,” Sion responds, probably too slowly because he's always too slow. Yushi is the only one who never seems phased by that, maybe the only person he's ever met that moves through life at the same pace that Sion does. Yushi stands and crosses the room to line up directly in front of Sion. He aligns the toes of their sneakers, a mere hair between them. 

Sion only gets a moment to look up at Yushi before he is in his lap. Yushi seats himself neatly across Sion's thighs, pressed in close where Sion has folded in on himself. His hands dig into Sion's hair as his mouth digs into his lips. It has been more than a year since they have kissed and in that time they have acknowledged the events of that day a total of zero times. 

Sion allows himself to hold lightly around Yushi's waist, gently as if he pushes in he might crack like an egg. He can almost convince himself it's for a good reason. He needs a hold onto him to throw him off, perhaps. If Yushi was somehow to fall, Sion could keep hold of him. He's definitely not doing it because he wants to touch Yushi. It's not because Yushi's waist fits nicely in his hands. Of course it isn't because Sion wants to keep Yushi firmly in place like this for as long as possible. 

“We shouldn't be doing this,” Sion's brain supplies dumbly when he gets a moment to breathe. Given the circumstances, this is a ludicrously bad idea. What they are doing is a textbook example of how not to treat your group-mates. Yushi knows this. Sion certainly knows better, he's even been expressly told that messing around within the team is a bad idea. He presses his fingertips firmer against the heat of Yushi's body anyway. So what if he ends up with egg yolk on his hands. 

“ Tomorrow ,” Yushi appends, pressing kisses against Sion's cheek and down to his jaw. Sion mumbles his agreeance, probably, although his brain function is in an entirely separate stratosphere. It was one thing to mess around with trainees who were obviously never going to make it in the first place. It's another to willfully makeout with someone who Sion already knows he'll be debuting with. He's going to be the leader for fuck's sake. 

“Yushi,” Sion says his name delicately, pulling him back to reality. “You have a boyfriend,” Sion tells him. Riku told him that the guy's name is Hikaru. They were classmates before Yushi moved to Korea. Putting a name to the concept of him helped diffuse a little of that overwhelming jealousy that clung to Sion when Yushi came back from Japan with a new lockscreen and the remnants of a hickey not quite hidden by the collar of his shirt. Sion can't blame the guy for being head over heels for Yushi when Sion is in at least as deep. 

“You're such an idiot,” Yushi glares at him, “Stupid, stupid Sion,” He mumbles, holding Sion's face in both of his hands. It’s disrespectful, banmal , no honorifics in either of the languages they now share. Yushi's never been very cordial to him and Sion has at least enough self-reflection to admit that he likes that. Not that he'd ever disclose that to another living soul. 

“ Kiss ,” Yushi insists, squishing Sion’s face between his hands and widening his eyes to instill some sense of urgency. Up to this moment, Sion might be able to downplay this. He's just letting Yushi treat him like a toy, it's not like he was participating. There's a flash of something in Yushi's eyes when Sion doesn't immediately obey– doubt, maybe. 

Sion kisses him back. He is greedy about it, hungry for Yushi's mouth like he hasn't eaten in a week. Yushi makes a little muffled sound in the back of his throat, like he's surprised. Sion knows his pining isn't exactly a secret, but he's kept it well under control over this last year. They've largely been too busy for Sion to think about things that aren't choreography or schedules or where the nearest americano is. Maybe Yushi doesn’t know that Sion would drop everything for him. 

“Again,” Yushi requests when Sion pulls away for a quick moment of respite. Sion can no longer convince himself that he doesn’t want to give Yushi anything he wants. Sion kisses and kisses like it’s just as vital as breathing. Yushi said this was supposed to be fun, but it rapidly devolves into something else– desperate and rushed. There's only so many hours left. 

Yushi drops his forehead against Sion's and squeezes his eyes shut. He purses his lips tight like he always does when he's crying but doesn't want to show it. Sion manages to swipe the first tear away with his thumb but Yushi's breath shudders and suddenly he is crying too desperately to console. Yushi crumples in Sion's lap, fingers clutching so tightly at Sion's shoulders that he might leave bruises. 

“Tomorrow we are just coworkers,” Yushi forces out, stilted in its forced monotone. “I have a boyfriend, and you and I don't even like each other anyway,” A new bitterness finds its way to Yushi's tongue. He raises his head to fix Sion with a sharp glare, steeled around the redness in his eyes. “Promise?” Yushi asks, but it's more of a demand. 

Sion has never been more blind-sided in his life. He feels like puking up all of that espresso he just finished and then dry-heaving a few times for good measure. Nonetheless, Sion will give Yushi whatever he wants, unconditionally. He locks their pinkies together and promises around the souring taste of Yushi's strawberry lip balm on his tongue. 

Sion knew that leadership wouldn’t just be a worthless title. Being a liaison between the team and staff is expected. Being held particularly responsible for any team failures, of course. Taking some greater personal responsibility for the team's cohesion– Sion expected this when he agreed to be the leader. 

This , however, was not something Sion had necessarily anticipated. Sure, maybe he knew to some degree that he’d be expected to handle some low level discipline. He was prepared for that– he doesn’t want to be strict about things, they get enough of that from the actual authorities in their lives. He's confident that the members trust him to give good advice and to follow what he says in these scenarios. This – this incident – is beyond whatever example scenario he'd run through in his mentorship. 

“What, is my punishment the silent treatment?” Riku cracks a smile, eyes gleaming with delight at Sion's plight. “Depriving me of the companionship of Oh Sion– now that's harsh,” Riku giggles at his own silliness, nose scrunching up in a way that Sion only admits to himself is cute for a solid twenty seconds. “I didn't know you'd be so mean, hyung,” Riku pouts at him for good measure. 

Sion drops his head to the table and groans. Maybe if he can't see Riku this will be easier. If only he can figure out how to feel about this situation . Sion supposes it's not too late to pass the leadership torch off to Yushi. Ryo might be a good leader, actually– and surely SM wouldn’t ask an actual child to handle something like this.

“Hyung, would you please enlighten me on how bad I've been?” Riku is reveling in this, which is absolutely not how this is supposed to go. The staffer who lent them this glorified closet of a conference room probably thinks Riku is going to get yelled at. “I'm sure you of all people have a lot of insight on how irresponsible I’ve been,” Riku keeps digging into him, the voice of an angel but the words of a demon.

“Enough,” Sion announces, finally lifting his head from the table to fix Riku with what is a hopefully intimidating glower. Riku looks unfazed. “It's bad for our image, alright? We're idols now, we have to be careful,” Sion explains half-heartedly.

“Oh? I wasn't aware Dispatch is stalking around in the SM building closets,” Riku's smile tilts dangerously, and Sion quickly regrets even trying. “If we're under so much scrutiny, you'd better be careful hanging around the Riize dorms so late at night, wouldn't want anyone getting the wrong idea.” 

Sion would consider himself a pacifist. He's never really felt the inspiration for violence. You're born with it or you aren't, and Sion definitely wasn't. He might make an exception for Riku. Maybe just shake him around a few times until he gets dizzy. Riku is crazy enough that he'd probably like it anyway. He would probably ask Sion to do it again, to really rattle his brain around in his skull. 

“I'm not the one who got caught making out with a trainee by some poor intern,” Sion's exasperation boils over and his face burns and he wanted to have more decorum than that, but Riku threw the first stone. “It's just– you never know Riku, word might spread. The company probably gave that girl money, she could tell anyone ,” Sion rambles aimlessly through the key points of the same media training classes that Riku has taken. 

“Okay, I'm sorry,” Riku admits easily with genuine emotion in his voice, “I’ll be more careful– or I'll stop, whatever you want,” Riku reaches across the table to take one of Sion's hands as if it's Sion who needs consoling. This whole eye contact thing is still new and Sion is startled by how hard it is to maintain it on his part. “As long as you play by your own rules, too,” Riku can't resist one last dig. 

“Just don't get caught, okay?” Sion bargains, thoroughly exhausted by this game that Riku is playing. The more comfortable they've become together, the more danger Sion has realized he's in. Riku squeezes his hand and Sion absolutely does not think about what he was doing with those hands when he got caught. 

“You know, maybe it'd be safest to keep things within the group,” Riku says casually as if it isn't one of the craziest things Sion has ever heard leave his mouth. Riku has leaned down, stretched out across the table to meet Sion on his level. He's letting his hair grow out. He looks devastating. “We share a room now, so if we want to be extra careful–” 

“Riku, please,” Sion begs, retracting his hand and burying his face in his arms. In the darkness of his sleeves he's left to imagine Riku instead, which might actually be worse. “I don't care what you do, but I– not with me. I'm the leader , I can’t be taking risks like that.” 

Riku hums a small sound of sympathy. “I'm not that careless Sion,” Riku speaks frankly, voice dropping to hardly over a whisper. “I'm so scared, and I'm so sorry, I don't want to be a burden and I know now that you'll never really trust me again,” Riku's voice starts to shake, and Sion nearly snaps at how wrong he is. Sion already trusts him. If it wasn't Riku who got caught it would have been Sion eventually. He can't try and pretend that he's above him. They're both just as guilty as the other. 

Sion dares to lift his head and look at him again. Riku has receded back into his chair, slumped and small. “But I'm not wrong, am I? You like me too, right?” Riku is remarkably brave for someone who avoids Sion's eyes the moment he meets them, immediately walking several steps back in their relationship. 

Confronted with the reality of it, Sion comes to his conclusion very quickly. He likes Riku in all the ways that matter. He also can't like Riku for all the reasons that the company has drilled into his head. They aren’t bad reasons. They are very good reasons. They are practical reasons. 

“I do,” Sion admits. He doesn’t choke on the words. They come out remarkably easily. It's the second half that stings on his tongue. “But you know we can't, don't you?” 

Riku offers Sion a tight smile. “I know, hyung,” He offers Sion his phone, shaking it in Sion's direction until he takes it. “I deleted his number, but maybe you should confiscate this for a little while anyway,” Sion takes Riku's phone in hand and tries to pretend like he didn’t notice the lockscreen was him and Riku together. “You need to tell them you did something , right?” 

As if rejecting Riku like that wasn't punishment enough. Sion does tell the manager that he took Riku's phone, even though he slips it back into his bag after Riku has fallen asleep with his back to Sion. 

Yushi lasts for four days after their first performance as NCT New Team. Sion assumed that Yushi was off around him for the obvious reasons. It's hard to pretend that they didn't just friendzone each other in the most dramatic manner possible only a couple nights ago. They're all a little overwhelmed anyway. They’ve been thrust into the deep end of activities and practices. 

“Yes!” Sakuya pumps his fist in the air excitedly, “Best two out of three, I win,” Sakuya's enthusiasm is typically contagious. Sion may think that he and Ryo are a bit young for this, but he can't deny that their energy is often the only thing keeping the team going. 

Sion almost starts cheering for him. He's beaten Yushi at thumb wrestling. Ryo is framed around Sakuya’s shoulders like the coach of a prized fighter, rubbing his shoulders and chattering excitedly. Across from them is Yushi. 

Yushi who is suddenly crying. There's a brief moment of frustration that so quickly breaks. His lips quiver and there's a horrible choked back sound in his throat. A tear runs down his cheek before he can blink them away. 

Sakuya and Ryo freeze in shock. They're both too stunned to speak. Sure, Yushi is competitive, but this is hardly so serious a situation for him to start crying . The idea that Sakuya of all people has accidentally hurt him is ludicrous. Yushi’s brows furrow and he rubs harshly at the tears on his cheek, smearing the heel of his palm across makeup he is definitely not supposed to touch. He turns away to try and hide it but it’s far too late. 

Sion should probably do something. In the end it's Riku who hurries over and ushers Yushi out of the room. Sion is stuck there just as taken aback as the kids. Daeyoung comes back from his bathroom break with confusion and concern on his face. He asks Sion if Yushi is okay, as if of course Sion would know. (They may have been best friends for longer than anyone else in this room have been trainees, but that doesn’t mean Sion has to have the answer to whatever the fuck that was, right?)

“He broke up with his boyfriend last week,” Riku tells Sion in a hushed voice, returning to Sion's side without Yushi. “He told me before that they'd agreed to break up if Yushi debuted and that they'd both known it was coming,” Riku clarifies, and Sion is definitely not jealous of how close they are, or how easily Yushi spills his secrets to him. “He honestly seemed fine about it before, but suddenly he's all heartbroken– won't even tell me anything.” 

Nobody really seems surprised at Sion's exit. He is the leader after all. He is Yushi's best friend after all (Is he, actually? Did Riku snatch that honor when Sion wasn't looking?) Of course Sion is going to check on him. There is some catering at this event, but it's not exactly a buffet of choices. Sion knows what he wants, but he'll have to work with an approximation. 

Sion has seen Yushi cry plenty of times. He cries fairly easily– usually when he's overwhelmed and stressed. Like many things, it seems to come easy to him. He is so unlike Sion, whose tears do not come readily and when they do they hit him like a truck. Yushi will cry over something small and be over it in an hour, an easy catharsis. 

Nothing really could have prepared him for just how wrecked Yushi is this time. Yushi is typically a pretty crier. Today he is not. Seeing him like this, Sion's solution seems immature. Yushi's breath comes too quick and he rubs at his reddened eyes with sleeves soaked through. He draws his knees in closer and dips his head low in a fruitless attempt to hide from Sion. This cannot be simple heartbreak over a boy Yushi has hardly seen in person in five years. Sion has never been quite so far out of his depth. 

Sion offers his solution anyway, because he certainly doesn't have a plan B. Yushi hesitantly lifts his head and is actually taken enough aback for his crying to halt and his breath to stutter and reset itself into a less concerning pace. He looks at Sion like he's some sort of alien creature. 

Yushi takes the strawberry lollipop from Sion's hand. Sion sits beside him and tries to not think too many thoughts about how Yushi’s fingers tremble as he unwraps it. Sion fishes another out of his pocket for himself. They sit in silence while Yushi's breath evens out. 

“Want another?” Sion asks around the stick between his teeth. He'd swiped a handful into his pocket when no one was looking. He pulls his pocket open for Yushi to see. Suddenly the embarrassment properly takes hold of him. He feels like a fool. Yushi's lips twitch into an almost smile for a moment. A little puff of air slips from his lips, maybe a fourth of the way to becoming actual laughter. 

Yushi takes Sion's hand away from his pocket to link their fingers together between them. He leans gently against Sion, as if he's afraid to let Sion take his full weight. Sion could definitely bear it. He could bear just about anything if it would make Yushi happy. They sit like that in silence and it's almost like they're back to normal, back to when it was just the two of them and things were simpler.

“I love you,” Yushi says in Japanese, quiet even for him. Sion tilts his head back against the wall and allows the word to soak all the way through his brain. Regardless of the ever changing waiting rooms, new rounds of choreography and recordings, team members who don't look anything like the faces Sion had imagined himself doing all of this with originally– Yushi has remained a constant. Yushi is grounding, an anchor keeping him from drifting out to sea. It's selfish to take solace in how wrecked Yushi is, but there's some peace in knowing that he isn't faring any better than Sion is now that they've been thrown into the deep end. 

“I love you too,” Sion replies in Korean. He means it in the platonic way. He means it in the romantic way too. He means it in a theoretical sense, and in a practical one, and he probably loves Yushi philosophically too. He loves Yushi in whatever way Yushi loves him back. Loving Yushi is like comfort food, easy on the stomach and warm to the heart. 

Yushi squeezes Sion's hand just a little tighter in acknowledgement, or maybe desperation. Either way, Sion will bear that tiny bit of weight for him.

“ Say it , hyung,” Riku insists. He's got Sion cornered more than metaphorically. Riku is frightening in the way he has wormed himself into Sion's brain so thoroughly in the few months they've officially been roommates. In retrospect, Sion should have insisted on being Daeyoung's roommate instead. In his defense, Riku was still so shy back then. Rooming by age had just felt natural. Sion couldn't bear the idea of rooming with Yushi. 

Sion wasn't aware exactly what sort of monster he was inviting into his life. Riku is a menace. Sure, he's mostly a quiet and more than tolerable roommate. He's certainly more mature than the others, he has little energy and doesn’t do much but laze around in his pajamas. The problem is that spending all of their downtime in close proximity has dissolved much of Riku's nerves. 

Riku is clearly someone who is used to getting what he wants. Sometimes he is sly about it. Sion won't even notice in the moment what his intentions are, but late at night he'll find himself replaying thoughts of Riku over and over in his head. Oftentimes, especially when they are back home and their schedules are complete and Sion is finally unwound into the person that he is when there are no cameras or duties or burdens left on his shoulders – that is when Riku’s game becomes overt. 

“Yes Riku, you're very sexy,” Sion admits, pointedly examining the beauty mark Riku has dotted under his eye. Riku tried this while the camera was in their faces and clearly he found the experiment satisfying enough to repeat under new conditions. It's remarkably unfair of him, because Sion is sure that Riku knows. Riku is not stupid. He flutters his eyelashes and grins extra wide when he's trying to be cute. 

“Now you,” Riku instructs. They follow this routine almost daily, but Riku knows well how Sion always tries to worm out of it. It's confidence building, in theory. Sometimes it's more of a chore. Praising Riku is easy, and the way he delights in it does make Sion feel good. Turning the lense back onto himself is the difficult part. When it's not for the cameras, it almost feels shameful. 

“My arms looked good today,” Sion manages a bit half-heartedly. He rubs his hands up and down his own biceps. It is work for him to look like this, it is something to have a little pride in. Fitness was not his strong suit prior to debuting. There is a learning curve. Sion is only barely playing along today but Riku looks pleased nonetheless. 

“Oh hyung, your arms look so good,” Riku grins around the words, blush coming to his face but not backing down. Riku has always had nice arms, as long as Sion has known him. Sion is hit with the realization that they are mutually staring and peels his eyes away with some effort. Riku knows he's attractive and he absolutely knows that Sion is down bad for him. 

That's what makes Riku especially cruel – he knows all this yet lays it on thick when Sion is at his most vulnerable. Sion is the sexy member, the company encouraged this during their image training from the start, so he plasters on bedroom eyes and coy smiles when he's performing and tries his best to not cross the line into outright sleazy. He's good at it. 

Sion is also the leader, so he has to be the most responsible one in the room even if he doesn't feel like it. Sion is the eldest, so he ought to be a good older brother to the kids he's found himself entangled with. That’s a lot of layers to peel off at the end of the day and he hasn't even started on the full face of makeup. 

“Scary,” Riku grins as he mock shudders, “That’s a lot of thoughts,” Riku giggles, looking at Sion all wide-eyed. Sion must be pulling some sort of face. He rubs at his makeup with a cloth and tries to will himself to stop thinking entirely. Riku is usually pretty good at taking a hint. Riku usually likes to be quiet and keep to himself at the end of the day anyway. Even if he is touchy he’s not really talkative, much less prying. Tonight seems to be a different story. 

Riku hums and slots himself beside Sion in front of their bathroom’s mirror. He wipes at his own face, frowning a little when the tiny dot beneath his eye is wicked away so easily. Sion can't help but stare. Riku is polite enough to not mention it. 

Sion is an affectionate person. He's not sure where it comes from, and he's not quick to warm up to people, but once someone has embedded themselves in his heart he can't help but want to touch. Ryo cuddles with him so easily and Sakuya might squirm but in the end he always lets Sion do whatever he pleases. The urge is there with Riku, a warmth in his chest and twitch in his hands to just touch him. 

It's not so simple with Riku. It would mean so much more. They brush their teeth together as has become an odd ritual and Sion tries to not think too hard about how domestic their life as roommates has quickly become. It's not like Daeyoung and Ryo brush their teeth together. Sometimes Sion worries that Yushi and Sakuya don't even remember to brush their teeth. 

Riku has layers too. When Riku's face is bare much of his image is washed down the drain. It is the bare-faced Riku that needs Sion the most and makes no attempts to hide it. He wraps his arms around Sion's shoulders and sinks into his arms near boneless. Sion holds him because it's the least he can do, and sometimes he imagines that if he didn't hold Riku upright he might melt away into the floorboards. 

“You're a good hyung,” Riku tells him. Sion does not want to be conceited, but well– he knows that. It doesn't mean it isn’t nice to hear. There's still so much they're all figuring out, they have a long way to go before their six puzzle pieces are set. Sometimes Sion teases Riku too much just because he likes to see him blush. Sometimes Riku's attempts to charm fall flat on their face and leave them all cringing. 

“You're a good leader too, maybe the best,” Riku mumbles his words into the fabric of Sion's shirt and they soak warm through his skin straight to his bloodstream. Sion holds Riku steady in his arms and pets at his hair. It doesn't matter how many times they repeat this routine. Riku is the teaspoon of honey to chase down bitter medicine. 

Yushi and Daeyoung link arms and pose for cute photos and goddammit no– Sion is not jealous of fucking Daeyoung, he cannot be jealous of Daeyoung. Daeyoung could not sweep Yushi off his feet if he tried. Daeyoung doesn't know a thing about romance, if it was a subject in school he'd be in remedial classes. Sion cannot genuinely be feeling intimidated by Daeyoung of all people right now, good lord there are cameras all over the place. 

Yushi giggles like he's smitten. Daeyoung just looks confused but he sure is along for the ride. This is going to be content now. Yushi looks so satisfied with himself, can he not have any tact? The company hasn’t even hinted at wanting this. They've asked Yushi and Sion to play up their relationship like this, but Daeyoung was nowhere in the equation. 

“Are they crazy?” Riku mumbles beside Sion, eyes wide as saucers. Sion has half a mind to question Riku’s sanity because he does this to Daeyoung all the time. He’s done worse to Daeyoung. Riku doesn’t manage to get him quite as flustered as Yushi currently is, though. They look like they’re on a honeymoon. Sakuya cannot stop laughing. It’d be one thing if this was some preplanned content on a sound stage but they are very much in public right now. 

A passerby pulls a face at the two of them. Daeyoung catches it and winces, says something quietly to try and mollify whatever this clinginess from Yushi is. Sion can hear the guy mutter something unsavory as he continues past. Yushi is unbothered, pressing himself ever closer into Daeyoung's space. He locks eyes with Sion despite the distance and his eyes darken. 

It's a stupid, pointless jealousy. Sion is confident he could win over Daeyoung. There is no competition (Daeyoung is threatening what, exactly?) that Sion would not win. Normally Sion is not jealous like this, he doesn’t even feel jealous when Riku and Yushi are not-so-secretly making out. There's just something about losing out on Yushi's affection to him that riles Sion up. 

The next day Yushi nearly bowls Daeyoung over during one of their lives. Yushi clings to him incessantly from the moment they go live to the moment they end. He still clings to him as they all unwind. Riku seems unbothered so it shouldn't be making Sion upset, but it is. Yushi hardly touches him anymore. He's outright told Sion he doesn't want to do this shipping thing that the company insists is a good idea. So why Daeyoung of all people?

Daeyoung stops dead in his tracks and sucks in a breath colored with deep concern. “Hyung are you, like, okay?” He asks, eyebrows pinching up behind his bangs. He looks gangly and awkward in his pajamas and the uncertainty about this situation is obvious with the tension in his shoulders. “I can, uh– I can ask a manager if you need to go to the hospital?” 

Wow, Sion must really look like shit. Daeyoung is wide-eyed and frazzled and Sion really shouldn't be putting him in a situation where he needs to step up and be the adult in the room for Sion's sake. 

“I've just got a lot on my mind,” Sion props his head up with his hand and shovels cereal into his mouth and tries to smooth out whatever face he must have been making. Daeyoung unhelpfully sits across from him and eats his toast. He isn’t eating it loudly, but its impossible to eat toast quietly. It grinds at Sion's nerves regardless.

“Did they keep you up too? I slept on the couch,” Daeyoung asks under his breath. “Not that I minded, I offered after all, just forgot to bring my earbuds,” Daeyoung speaks as if Sion knowing what he's talking about is a given. It definitely is not. 

Sion's face must have clearly evolved into something even more concerning. Daeyoung falters a bit at Sion's lack of response, looking like he's barely treading water. Sakuya and Ryo trail into the kitchen behind them already bickering about something.

“Uh, sorry–” Daeyoung looks confused and Sion feels bad for him. He does like Daeyoung, he thinks of him as his own little brother. It's not Daeyoung's fault that Yushi has been attached to him at the hip for the past week. “Do they usually ask you instead? Maybe I should count myself lucky.”

“What are we talking about?” Sion cannot even pretend to keep up with this conversation. It was lost on him from the start. Daeyoung blinks at him. He opens his mouth and then closes it. 

“Yushi and Riku?” Daeyoung replies with so little confidence that maybe he got lost somewhere along the way too. “When they um,” Daeyoung's face gets red and his brows furrow, “Do one-on-one team building?” Sion has never seen Daeyoung look more embarassed in his life. Ryo snorts and tries to cover up his eavesdropping by overfilling his cereal bowl. 

“Gross,” Sakuya grimaces as he sits beside Daeyoung, “Don’t talk about dirty things at the table,” Sakuya makes a point to chastise both of them, despite the fact that Sion is almost certain he did not bring this up. 

“Wait, you know about them?” Sion does a double take, pointing his spoon accusatory at Daeyoung. Daeyoung puts his hands up in defense, an awkward smile forming on his face.

“Is it supposed to be a secret?” Daeyoung asks, somehow even more confused than before. Ryo snickers and sits beside Sion, rolling his eyes. “I didn't just out them, did I?” Daeyoung asks, suddenly very concerned.

“Not much of a secret if everyone in this room already knew, right?” Ryo shrugs. He steals some of Sakuya's breakfast and they start to squabble, Sakuya retreating into Daeyoung's space. The topic is dropped so quickly and easily that Sion practically gets whiplash. 

Riku and Yushi finally join them for breakfast and Sion catches them holding hands when they enter, slowly detaching as they go about their business. Sion's cereal turns soggy as he stares. 

Yushi hugs Daeyoung around the middle for a large segment of what they film later in the day and Sion has to force himself to stop thinking about it before he goes insane. Daeyoung knows Riku and Yushi are a thing and he doesn't care that Yushi has been parading him around like his new boyfriend for the cameras all week. Maybe Sion is the crazy one here if everyone else seems so unbothered by this. 

“Let's get drinks,” Riku offers casually. He only ever asks Sion because none of the rest of them would say yes anyway. Sion knows all too well how dangerous an offer it really is. Either he's going to get a clingy and flirty Riku, or a deeply melancholic Riku, each option with its own downsides. 

At the end of the day, however, Sion will pretty much do whatever Riku asks of him. It has been a long day. Between plane rides and practices and waiting rooms, Sion is fairly sure he lost at least a day's worth of sleep somewhere in the mix. Sakuya fell asleep with his mouth open backstage and drooled on his sleeve but Sion didn't have the heart to wake him. At least one of them got some amount of sleep. This deep into a packed schedule, the six of them might as well be one organism. 

Riku finds them a little hole in the wall bar in Roppongi only a short taxi ride from the hotel. It has small booths that offer some manner of privacy with dim lighting accentuated by blue string lights. A pretty lady brings them their drinks and when she lingers a little too long leaned in close enough for Sion to smell her floral perfume, he flashes her a generous smile. It's the exact sort of thing that gets Riku riled up, competitive even. 

“Sneaking out for drinks is one thing,” Riku chastises, tapping his nails against his glass, “But picking up girls? You're supposed to be the responsible one.” Riku's smirk is nearly a sneer, eyes sharp from across the table. 

“I'm being polite, Riku,” Sion sips from his glass, an overwhelmingly sweet tangerine flavor far beyond what he'd anticipated. “Are you really that jealous?” Riku purses his lips in thought, the rhythmic drumming of his fingers stalling. 

“Yes,” Riku declares after much thought, meeting Sion's eyes, unguarded. Riku downs his drink quickly, making an exaggerated face at the sensation. “Oh to be a pretty girl for Sion to woo,” Riku waxes dramatic, sinking low into his arms on the table, until all Sion can really see is his eyes, “My life would be so much simpler, wouldn't it?” 

“If you were a pretty girl I don't think Yushi would be interested,” Sion chokes back more of his ultra sweet drink, mouth melting in its intensity. Sure, Sion doesn't necessarily know if the two of them are exclusive. Riku probably wouldn't flirt with Sion to the degree that he does if they were. Yushi probably wouldn't like all that baiting Riku and Daeyoung do on camera either. 

“I'm a pretty boy,” Riku commiserates, “Right?” He props his head up on his hands and flutters his eyelashes at Sion, prompting him to agree. “Yushi likes pretty boys and you like pretty boys,” Riku begins to glare, “So why is only one of you kissing me?” 

That's the billion dollar question, isn’t it? Nevermind that Sion has told Riku exactly why he doesn't kiss him countless times. It's not that Sion doesn't want to kiss Riku. He wants to kiss him whenever Riku comes away from the makeup mirrors in a new, more earth-shatteringly vivid lipstick than the last. He wants to kiss Riku whenever he sneaks in some frankly embarrassing aegyo into an otherwise normal interaction. He wants to kiss Riku when he turns red at Sion's compliments that drip so easily off his tongue. He wants to kiss Riku when he collapses onto his bed across from Sion's, barefaced and lethargic from too many hours of mandated wakefulness. 

Sion would like to kiss him good morning and smooth down his bedhead. Sion would like to kiss him goodnight and soothe the lingering anxieties of the day out through his touch. None of this is through lack of Sion's wanting, that much is certain. 

The same pretty waitress passes by and smiles at Sion sweetly. Sion smiles back. Riku looks like he wants to rip Sion’s head off with his teeth. Sion would probably let him do it, too. It would be a deserved death. 

“Do you intend to be celibate forever?” Riku asks in Japanese, a little too loudly. Sion only learned the word for celibacy yesterday, hadn't even tried to memorize it. He hadn't thought it'd be relevant. Riku has a tendency to prove him wrong. He flags down the waitress looking more than a little desperate. “Another, please,” He insists. 

Sion manages to pry Riku out of the building after his third drink. Riku drinks far more regularly than Sion but he's such a lightweight. He clings to Sion's arm and preens at the little bit of attention Sion can offer him between moments of trying to hail a cab. Riku has also started grumbling under his breath about every miniscule worry. Sion has lucked out in getting the worst outcome of all: Clingy and melancholy Riku. 

“You need to eat something,” Sion insists as he drags Riku through their hotel room door. Riku makes a face at the mere suggestion. Sion has ramen in his bag because he always does. Usually it's for the younger members in case of emergency. A good leader is always prepared. This hotel has a little nook resembling a kitchen, even if it is little more than a glorified coffee counter. 

“Here, do it like this,” Riku pipes up, intrigued by Sion's attempts at boiling ramen in a coffee pot. “I made it like this on a school trip once,” Riku grins, oddly prideful of his knowledge. He elbows Sion out of the way to take over. The deftness of his fingers as he procures the hotel’s complementary chopsticks to swirl the noodles betrays a bit of regained sobriety. Maybe Riku is playing it all up as part of this endless game they've been stuck in. 

Sion is definitely standing too close. He's practically got Riku pinned to the countertop. Riku delicately turns around in place. He could get Sion off of him easily if he wanted, but he doesn’t. Riku’s hands find Sion's wrists and he brings them up between them. Riku places the chopsticks neatly into Sion's waiting palms. 

“Okay hyung, make me eat,” Riku says, a bit slurred and directionless. He laughs to himself, funnier in his own head. He slips out of Sion's oppressive closeness to seat himself up on the counter and peer down expectantly at the noodles, like a cat on the counter. 

Sion brings the noodles to his lips like some sort of servant. Riku's eats as neatly as he can while being fed. Sion starts with just a few noodles but quickly turns to bringing large clumps up to Riku's mouth, so much that his cheek bulges. Sion watches reverently, as if Riku is some holy figure. The thoughts running through Sion's head, however, are decidedly unholy. 

“Thank you, hyung,” Riku tells him, all sweet. He leans forward to kiss Sion on the cheek in a rare moment of alcohol induced bravery. When he pulls back his head nearly touches his chest, face burning red. “Sorry, sorry,” Riku chants, “You treat me too well, I forget I'm not supposed to do that.” 

Sion sighs and his heart aches. The buzz has turned his want for Riku a bit dizzying. He rubs Riku’s shoulders reassuringly. Perched on the counter like this, he’s actually a little taller than Sion. He can’t properly hide his face, flushed and warm from more than just the drinks and hot food.

“It’s okay,” Sion tells him. He reaches forward to smooth the hair on Riku’s head away from his eyes. Riku smiles all dopey and Sion loses control. He leans forward to press a kiss smack on the middle of Riku’s forehead, light and yearning. He pulls away at the feeling of Riku’s fingers on his sleeve. 

“You don’t want to do that,” Riku tells him all concerned, as if he doesn’t try to bait Sion into doing exactly this near constantly. “You’re drunk, don’t do things you’ll feel bad about tomorrow,” Riku explains gently, his voice soft and reassuring despite the obvious heartbreak. Riku is so wrong, of course Sion wanted to do that. He wants to do a lot more than that. Riku is insistent so Sion settles for pulling Riku into bed with him and falling asleep wrapped around him, face buried in the nape of his neck. 

It's not that Sion didn't like dancing before he got casted. He got cast in part because he liked dancing, but back then he had no training. It was just fun to record and post. The first few weeks as a trainee had been trying but one day things just seemed to click into place. Sion liked to dance for real, and before he knew it he was good at it too. Good enough to start getting praise, at least. More than good enough to just turn his over analytical brain off and simply have fun. 

Dancing with Yushi was always more fun than dancing alone. They really aren't similar dancers at all– Yushi is all compact, pretty movements that make it look easy. Yushi makes it look so effortless to him, that even Sion, who should know better, gets convinced of it. Compared to Yushi, Sion looks big and flashy, long lines and big movements and maybe a little reckless. They couldn't be more different. 

Dancing with Yushi is fun because it's easy. They don't need words, there's never been a language barrier. Even whatever this unspoken tension between them is dissipates when Yushi asks him to film a challenge. Even just scrolling through videos together is close enough, the tips of Sion's fingertips itching to move. 

This challenge is a little risque. The fans will love it. It's just Sion's style. Yushi's a little out of his depth here but it doesn’t matter, it's never mattered– they've always been more than willing to meet the other halfway. 

They probably should have filmed this somewhere else. It's too cramped in this corner, they're encroaching too much on each other's space. Yushi nearly steps on Sion's foot and stumbles to avoid him. Sion steadies him with a hand on his waist and braces himself against the wall so they don't both stumble. 

Riku absolutely howls with laughter. His smile is a million watts bright as he taps on the screen excitedly, the music playback looping. He's practically cackling, doubling over himself and trying to muffle his voice with a hand unsuccessfully. 

“There's no way we can post this,” Riku manages to get out between big gulps of air and insatiable laughter. “Hyung, are you– are you trying to steal my boyfriend?” Riku calms enough to replay the video to himself a few more times, grinning like a maniac. Sion regains enough brainpower to stop looking at Riku like he is a maniac and instead look down at how he is holding Yushi tight to his chest still. 

Yushi’s face goes red and his eyes go wide and he squirms in Sion's hold, shoving him off with little tact. He is in Riku's bubble immediately, yanking the phone around to see for himself, face growing ever redder. 

“I'm not–” Yushi sputters, clearly at a loss for words, “Stop watching that,” Yushi demands but his voice falters in his throat. He reaches for the phone again and Riku holds it up behind him, backing away from Yushi's persistence. 

“No way, no way,” Riku laughs as he evades Yushi, “You two are too cute, I need to send this to myself,” Riku is nearly breathless and Sion is suddenly deeply aware of the fact that it is his phone that is incredibly close to getting smashed to absolute pieces at any moment. 

“Don't say things like that,” Yushi raises his voice, which isn't saying much, but Riku relents easily, handing the phone over to Yushi who frowns at the screen. “We agreed it's a secret,” Yushi taps at the screen angrily and the quiet music loop comes to a stop. He plops Sion's phone back in his hand with a little more force than a completely innocent in this situation Sion deserves. He is at least innocent in intention this time, even if the outcome isn’t exactly spotless. 

“Oh, sorry,” Riku's smile doesn't drop but the worry is evident in his voice. He hovers close behind Yushi but doesn't quite touch, not sure where they stand. “It's okay if Sion knows, right? I mean, it's Sion–” Riku starts but Yushi cuts him off by spinning around and covering his mouth, brows knit tight with frustration. 

“Uh, it's okay,” Sion offers hesitantly, offering up his most disarming smile. “I'm not going to get you two in trouble,” Sion touches Yushi's shoulder gently and he doesn't shrink away, but he sure jerks like he wanted to. “I already knew, if that makes it better,” Sion says and the look on Yushi's face makes it obvious that it does not make it better. Nonetheless, Sion pushes on anyway, “You guys should just try to hide a little better, alright?” 

“See? Sion doesn't mind,” Riku pulls Yushi's hand away from his mouth delicately, “I told you it'd be okay,” Riku looks at Yushi like he's pleading. Yushi huffs and drops his shoulders in defeat. Whatever Riku filmed is long gone now. 

At least the ever present question of what exactly these two are has been answered. They're boyfriends. That's good. Actually it isn't– it'd be less dangerous if there weren't feelings involved and it was just a physical thing. Sion already made up his mind to just be okay with whatever it is. He's okay with this. Riku and Yushi are boyfriends. It's not a problem. 

“Sionie-hyung, film the challenge with me too,” Riku's eyes practically sparkle. He's begging for it. Sion blanches at the request. Riku starts to laugh again. Yushi presses in close to his side, wrapping his arms around Riku in what could pass for platonic but most definitely is not given the context. 

“Don’t be sleazy Riku,” Yushi grimaces at him but is clearly not off put enough by any of Riku's behavior to not cling to him like he's some oversized stuffed animal. Riku just smiles all dopey and reaches to hold Yushi's hand. All of a sudden Sion is intruding on something, but the two of them don't seem remotely bothered by it despite Yushi panic moments ago. 

Sion accidentally unpauses the challenge music and Riku cackles like this is the funniest thing to ever happen to him, nearly collapsing if Yushi was not holding onto him. Sion quickly pauses it again, infinitely aware of the heat burning up the back of his neck. 

“Hyung, stop seducing my boyfriend,” Yushi delivers with a slight edge, eyeing up Sion with a look that almost passes as threatening. Riku of course finds that funny too, practically to tears. Yushi has the gall to stick his tongue out at him. Sion has half a mind to demand the two of them stop trying to seduce him . 

Riku texts him the video later and Sion is horrified to find out that it looks borderline raunchy . Sion saves it in a covert folder in his gallery for no particular reason. 

Sion knows they’ve pushed themselves past their natural limits when Ryo starts speaking in proverbs. All of them have been awake for at least a day, although Sion is fairly certain Sakuya fell asleep halfway through getting his makeup done for at least five minutes. Sion is a little jealous. Jealous enough to take it out on Sakuya just a little bit. He blows air on his ear and cannot help himself from feeling a sick pleasure at the startled squawk he lets out. 

This is par for the course. There are times when Sion's not sure when one day starts and the other ends. These are crucial times for them, the company insists. They cannot rest now that they're just getting a foothold. The content plan is simply to just film constantly. They hardly go a few months without recording. It'll get easier in the future, Sion keeps repeating. He spends an evening repeating those words to Ryo who is so worn out he looks more dead than alive. 

Sion has to keep them going somehow. Sometimes he's provocative. Sakuya is an easy target. Few of them can resist an opportunity to get in Sakuya's business. It's not Sion's fault he reacts so strongly. Other times Sion just needs to give a little reassurance. It's easy to just stick a snack in Daeyoung's mouth when he's not anticipating it, like giving a dog a treat. Often all they really need is a little affection. Holding Ryo close when he's overly homesick is easy. Sion would never commiserate about his own homesickness in front of a group of people whose home is in another country, but the comfort does go both ways. 

Sion wraps an arm around Riku's shoulder from behind. It was a little strong, sure, but Riku looks practically winded by it. Riku might be a bit shy but he's not a withering flower. At least Sion has always thought so. Riku's shoulders drop and he has to catch his breath. He smiles but it's one of those blatantly fake ones he usually knows better than to use with Sion. He tells Sion he's fine. Riku is a terrible liar. 

They are supposed to practice choreography the rest of the day after they finish shooting. Sion decides that he must have bought enough goodwill by now to try and cash some of it in. Thankfully he's right, and the managers agree to pull some strings to get them the rest of the day off, not even any cameras. Sion would like to take all the credit, but bringing Ryo along to make puppy-eyes certainly helped. 

“Wow, we're so lucky to have such a thoughtful leader,” Riku rambles, stretching his arms up over his head and collapsing onto his bed, freshly showered and dressed in comfortable clothes that Sion is fairly certain are Yushi's. The two of them were glued at the hip on the way home, but Yushi had passed out mere moments after getting through the front doors. Sakuya had sent a video of him drooling to their group chat that Yushi will definitely have an attitude about tomorrow. 

“You looked like you needed it,” Sion admits. Riku purses his lips like he's suddenly feeling guilty and Sion immediately regrets saying it. “Not just you, everyone needed a break– you saw Yushi,” Sion redirects but Riku has that look in his eyes he gets when his thoughts are already running off somewhere else. 

Riku crosses the room to hug Sion around his middle, still warm and a little flushed from the shower. Riku is usually a little too shy to get this affectionate with Sion without a little more prompting. Sion pets at his hair, slightly damp in the back where he didn't blow dry it all the way. His hair has grown out so much since they met. Riku has been in Sion's life for longer now than he's really realized. 

Seasons have passed and the Riku who showed up in late spring looking all starstruck, hair cut shorter than all the trainees and stuffed up with allergies is long gone. That Riku would never think to hug Sion so easily like this, eyes always locked to his shoelaces. 

“Thanks, hyung,” Riku mumbles softly, leaning closer into Sion. “I know I shouldn’t say it, but I really love you,” Riku's voice gets ever quieter. Sion lets the words soak in, warm and sweet, and holds Riku steady. Sion hesitates to open his mouth and respond. It has gotten harder to disentangle from Riku when he gets like this. If he takes his time, Sion can enjoy it longer, exist in this limbo before he inevitably has to end it. 

“Does Yushi know that?” Sion asks, the words taking even him by surprise. Riku laughs, a warm reverberation that just manages to reach Sion's chest. Riku hugs Sion tight, swaying back and forth lazily. 

“Of course he does,” Riku explains like Sion is a toddler, “You think I can't be obsessed with both of you?” Riku leans back enough for Sion to see his stupidly gorgeous smile and count his eyelashes. “I think you’re underestimating me, hyung,” Riku chastises with the sort of tone you typically reserve for children. 

Sion has to look away before he does something very impulsive. God, the things he would do for Riku. He's too sweet for his own good, a sugar rush straight through Sion’s bloodstream. Sion would ask for time off every day if it meant Riku would be just that much happier. 

“I just want you to be happy,” Sion's thoughts manifest out loud. Riku's smile lights up ever brighter. He thanks Sion again, all demure and saccharine. Eventually Riku detaches himself to sit on Sion's bed and pat the space next to him, urging Sion to sit with him. When he does, Riku stays glued to his side, desperate for contact.

“Honestly, it's not easy for me to be happy,” Riku admits, gathering his hands in his lap and pursing his lips together in thought. “I'm happy being together with everyone, but I don't know if I could do this if my team was anyone else,” Riku bumps his shoulder into Sion's, suddenly bashful. 

“Keeping us healthy and happy is good in the long run, that's what they say– it's why they spoil us, even though they work us so much,” Sion tells him, a sudden shield of professionalism (a weak defense, but it's all he has), “You could talk to someone,” Sion encourages, “the company wants you to be happy.”

Riku hums, staring at his fingernails and showing an only cordial interest in what Sion is saying. Sion is well aware that he's deflecting and he's sure it's obvious. He feels a little ridiculous, talking to Riku like he's some sort of counselor just to avoid the fact that Riku has confessed to him once again. 

“What do you want?” Riku asks, fixing Sion with an unrelenting stare, leaning in close and conspiratorial, as if they aren't alone. “I'm not asking what Sion the team leader thinks is best, or what Sion the perfect sexy-boy idol would do, or what Sion the manager's golden boy wants,” Riku's eyes are wide and searching, almost a little desperate. 

Sion is a lot of things. Sion wants a lot of things. Sion should do a lot of things. The problem is that what the Sion he'd like to be would do is so often in conflict with what the actual Sion wants. Sion wants to sleep in and miss a day of schedules for no reason. He wants to eat a whole bag of candies and not even think about working out to burn it off. 

“You can be all of those things, but sometimes you need to be just Sion , too,” Riku's eyes get a little glassy. Of course he's getting choked up at the complexities of Sion's psyche. He's too empathetic for his own good, much too kind, too naive for letting himself get attached to someone like Sion with such obvious baggage. Sion wants to kiss him. 

Sion wants to kiss him . So Sion kisses him. He doesn't have much of a gap to close, not with their foreheads practically touching. Riku has been trying his best to get Sion to kiss him for nearly a year yet he still makes a little muffled noise of surprise when it happens. 

Immediately Sion feels like such a fool for denying himself this so long. He's equally foolish for giving in because how can he go back now that he knows what Riku's lips feel like? Riku practically melts into him, he kisses Sion so easily, like this was inevitable. Maybe it always felt that way to him. Sion feels a little crazed, reaching for Riku to hold him in place and kiss him deeper. Riku is pliant and obedient, kissing back as best he can. 

“Am I sleeping?” Riku asks all dazed when Sion finally lets him breath, “There’s no way you really kissed me, right?” Riku can't tame the dopey smile on his face. He shies away suddenly, putting a hand into the gap between their faces. “There's no way, no way,” Riku repeats himself, and Sion wonders if he may have actually broken him. 

Sion takes his hand and lowers it back to his lap. Riku looks at him all wide-eyed and red-faced. Sion tries to act all serious just to see Riku squirm, but he breaks quickly. 

“This is real, Riku,” Sion tells him, “I really am down bad for you, it's serious,” Sion cringes a little inside at his own cheesiness, but he powers through anyway, “It might even be fatal.” 

Riku looks shocked. Then he laughs at Sion, just as easily as he kisses him, so powerful that he can hardly sit still. Sion laughs at himself too, the absurdity of his own words finally sinking in fully. 

“I think I'll have to kiss you again,” Sion says through his laughter. Riku has started to tear up a little from his laughing, but he diligently leans into Sion's space with an exaggerated kissy face. 

Sion kisses him properly. He takes Riku's shoulders and presses him back into the mattress gently, feeling a bit delirious by how flushed Riku gets. Kissing Riku comes to Sion easy, like it's simply the natural course of things. Riku wraps his arms around Sion's shoulders and he keeps giggling whenever Sion kisses him too long. 

“Yushi is a better kisser,” Riku teases. No, no , absolutely not, there is no way Sion can accept that. There is no world in which Tokuno Yushi is a better kisser. Sion cannot abide by this, he cannot let Riku get away with thinking that. He can't even let Riku lie about it. 

“I taught Yushi how to kiss,” Sion admits, trailing his lips along Riku's jaw. Riku hums in appreciation. “He cannot be better than me,” Sion insists. 

“Oh,” Riku looks a little dazed by this information. Sion can practically hear the thoughts running through his head. He's probably picturing it. “Interesting,” Riku's grin widens, his eyes sparkling with delight. “So if you've kissed both of us, am I better than Yushi?” 

“Yes,” Sion admits without hesitation. Riku is taken aback by just how unflinchingly Sion responds. He laughs and reaches up to pull Sion closer, fingers digging tight into the hair at the nape of his neck. 

“Maybe you should kiss him again,” Riku giggles into Sion's mouth, kissing lazily between his words. “It sounds like he's gotten a lot better at it,” Riku swipes his tongue across his own lips and Sion has a reprieve long enough for the absurdity of this situation to properly settle in. Why are they talking about Yushi while they make out? Why are they debating how good of a kisser Yushi is instead of just kissing each other? 

“Yushi does not like me like that,” Sion groans, dropping his head down to Riku's shoulder to press kisses along his clavicle. Riku hums and runs his hands soothingly through Sion's hair, like he needs to be pacified. Yushi thoroughly friend-zoned him. They are just coworkers. Sion has accepted this, even if he maybe still allows himself to pine once or twice a day. 

“Sion, you don't really think that, do you?” Riku chuckles and Sion feels it through his sternum, warm and buzzing. A moment passes and Riku's hand in his hair stills. “ Do you?” Riku repeats himself, this time with genuine concern. 

Sion can't bring himself to respond. This isn’t supposed to be about Yushi. Sion has finally let himself have Riku like he's always wanted, but now Riku is dangling something else entirely just out of reach. 

“Oh hyung,” Riku sighs heavy in chest, this awful pitying look on his face, “You really are such an idiot, Yushi is right,” Riku cups Sion's face in his hands and squishes, insistent until Sion meets his eyes. “Yushi is so into you it makes me jealous,” Riku states like it is such an obvious truth. The words make Sion's brain feel all fuzzy. 

Sion drops his head into the crook of Riku's shoulder to kiss him more, a hand trailing down to his waist to touch him where he knows Riku is ticklish. Anything to get Riku to not say more devastating things. Riku squirms under Sion, practically wheezing. Sion relents to kiss him again on the lips, a rapidly growing obsession. 

“Sionie-hyung, you're really delusional,” Riku giggles, all soft and breathy, this ridiculously fond look on his face. He ruffles Sion's hair. After all he's done, Riku is definitely allowed to call him that. 

“We should talk,” Sion suggests. An overnight in Tokyo and a hotel room shared between them. The universe is making things obvious. Riku has also been not so subtly insisting they talk things out. Sion is all too aware of what Riku really wants. Sion just has to be the bigger man and start the conversation. 

“No,” Yushi rejects him. He doesn't even consider it for a second. Yushi unfolds some of the clothing from his suitcase, entirely uncharacteristic of him. Sion is flabbergasted. Sion tries again and Yushi tenses up like he's an animal caught doing something he shouldn't be, quick glances averted just as fast. 

Yushi pulls a sweatshirt over his head and walks out the door like Sion is not trying to hold a conversation with him. It takes Sion a moment to process but soon enough he's pulling his shoes back on and stumbling into the hallway after Yushi, who faces him from the elevator at the end of the hall with a glower. The doors shut in front of him and Sion finds himself hurrying down the stairs. 

Yushi is from Tokyo, sure– but there’s no way he knows a city this big that well. Nevertheless Yushi makes quick, long strides down the street. Sion tries to close the distance but when he does, Yushi looks at him like he's some street hawker and not his closest friend for half a decade. Sion can't leave him either, Yushi never really goes out alone and Sion is fairly confident he doesn't even have his wallet. 

Yushi walks with purpose, like there's somewhere he's meant to be. Evidently it's all bluster, as he turns down a side street that leads to nothing but a seemingly abandoned construction site. Yushi feigns confidence as he wanders through it, but as the ground gets more cluttered with planks and debris Sion’s protective instincts get the better of him.

“Yushi, let's go back, alright?” Sion calls out to him as gently as possible. Yushi stalls but he does not turn around. “We don't need to talk, I'll put earbuds in and we can just be quiet,” Sion bargains, an odd tension making his breath hitch. “I can't just leave you here alone, okay?” Sion's patience thins but he cannot afford to treat Yushi as something expendable. 

“I can go back by myself,” Yushi bites, kicking at some rubble by his feet. Sion does not believe him. He should have traded rooms with Sakuya. He'd have agreed without a second thought. Ryo is a good roommate, sweet and blissfully quiet and without any of this awful baggage. 

“Yushi,” Sion starts, but no words come to his lips but his name. Yushi doesn't give him much of a chance anyway, turning on his heel to face Sion. He looks angry and sad and Sion feels like maybe he should just disintegrate on the spot if Yushi is going to look at him like that.  

“You still think I'm a child,” Yushi's voice raises, tears stinging at the corners of his eyes, “I don't care if all the seniors baby me, all I want is for you to see me as an adult just once,” his voice breaks on his tears and he rubs at his eyes furiously, a helpless noise of frustration leaving his lips in shame of his unwieldy emotions. 

Sion is left stunned and even more wordless. Yushi is not the most mature person Sion knows, not even by a mile. At the same time, Sion is well aware he's not an actual child. Sion has tried his best to treat him as an equal– maybe not to the degree he treats Riku, in retrospect. 

“You know what Hikaru told me when I visited?” Yushi speaks, choked up by tears unshed. He takes a deep breath to steady himself and adopts a tone Sion assumes to be an imitation, “You like somebody back in Korea, don't you?” Yushi looks up at the night sky, city far too congested for any pure starlight. “If you come home, I'll be waiting for you– but if you're going to stay there, then you should be with that person.” 

Sion knows all too well what it is like to be in the periphery of Maeda Riku. Riku is an all-consuming supernova of attention, he is impossible to ignore. Riku is sun-warmed skin and toothy smiles and puppy dog eyes. Riku's mere presence insists upon affection. It is impossible to not love him.

“I know what it's like,” Sion tells Yushi softly, as delicate as he can. Sion would be a horrible hypocrite to stake a claim on Riku when he isn't even the one who got to him first. Sharing Riku is something Sion has come to terms with quickly and is surprisingly okay with. 

Yushi stares at Sion like he's an alien. “I barely knew Riku back then,” Yushi states, looking at Sion like he's expecting this to make things clear. When it evidently doesn't, Yushi's face screws up with emotion. He squeezes his eyes closed tight. “You don’t have to like me back,” Yushi forces out, voice trembling, “But how many times do I have to kiss you for you to get it? How many times do I have to confess?” 

As if in answer to Yushi's question, a tiny splatter of moisture hits Sion's nose from above. Maybe Yushi is the center of the universe and the weather bends to his every whim. More droplets scatter the ground, a quietly building downpour. 

“Now I have to share Riku with you,” Yushi sobs, directionless anger. He wipes furiously at his eyes, desperate to quell his own tears. The rain mirrors him, a soft shower, restrained. “I think I hate you,” Yushi spits. Sion takes it like Yushi just decked him in the face, nose stinging and sight dizzy. 

“Do you really think that?” Sion asks, winded. Sion is twenty-two years old and in that time he has been called many names by so-called school friends. He has received some scathing criticisms from the people who were supposed to be training him. He has felt the quiet disappointment of his parents when he brought them the trainee contract. Nothing has hurt him more than Yushi has in this moment. 

“I don't,” Yushi mumbles, rubbing at his eyes with the heel of his palm. He crouches down as if he can make himself small enough to hide, but there's no shelter here. The rain begins to soak through Sion's shirt. “I just wish you liked me back, even a little,” The words get garbled in his mouth, an accent he rarely shows. 

A desperation breaks his voice in two halfway through the words, so quiet Sion can barely hear over the rain. “How am I supposed to compare to Riku?” Yushi ends on hardly more than a whisper. Maybe he's crying or maybe the rain is doing the work for him. 

“Don't say that,” Sion is quick to douse that fire. The breadth of all Sion wants to tell him leaves him speechless. “Riku adores you so much, you are so loved – you aren't lesser than,” Sion manages. Sion wants to tell him how wrong he is, how Sion spent so long love sick over him, how Sion admires him. Sion wants to call him handsome and kind and so very genuine and how deeply jealous he is of how Yushi does not compromise himself for any standard or expectation. It doesn't come out. 

“I know Riku doesn't think that,” Yushi raises his voice and Sion's heartbeat immediately quickens. “It's you who makes me feel that way, nobody else,” Yushi tilts his head up to him, so much hurt in his eyes that Sion feels the immediate urge to hug him. Sion knows better. He does it anyway. 

Sion is definitely getting dirt on his pants and this angle is awkward enough to be uncomfortable but none of that matters. Yushi is trembling under Sion's touch, but he gives in to Sion all the same. Yushi cries into Sion's shirt but the rain already did all the damage. 

“Hey,” Sion coaxes quietly, rubbing at Yushi's shoulders in a fruitless attempt to warm him, “Want to do something fun?” Sion asks, voice sticking in his throat from the guilty tears he refuses to shed (he doesn't deserve that release, not after what he's done). Yushi looks up at him, eyes tinged red, a sight Sion doesn't want to get anymore used to. 

Yushi did not, in fact, bring his wallet. Sion fronts the bill for what is surely an overpriced umbrella. The shopkeeper can smell the foreigner on Sion it seems, despite how much he's practiced sounding natural. Yushi lingers outside in the alley, lit up in pretty colors by the neon signs all around. He doesn’t fuss when Sion leans in close to share the umbrella with him. He even allows Sion to take his hands while they stand under a shop's overhang to try and rub heat into where they've both run cold. 

“What are we doing?” Yushi finally asks. He's calmed enough to not look like he has obviously been crying, and Sion can almost pretend like the last hour never happened. Sion can almost imagine a world in which they aren't coworkers with all of these expectations on their shoulders. Maybe Sion would have tried to go to university here, and met Yushi organically. (Would they have even been friends if they'd met under any other scenario? Or is pure circumstance the only reason he gets to have Yushi in his life?)

Tokyo never really sleeps. Nightlife is never far away and every shop window stays illuminated. There's a myriad of side streets and enough corner stores for them all to start looking the same. Sion has turned just enough corners to no longer have any idea where they are. 

“We're getting lost together,” Sion announces. The sane, rational, leaderly parts of Sion's brain lurches at the words but it's far too late to pay them any mind now. Distantly he wonders if anyone has noticed them missing yet. Maybe his phone screen on the hotel bed is lit up with a dozen missed calls from their manager, or maybe nobody will even question where they are until they are late for their schedule tomorrow. Sion resolves to not think about it any longer. 

“What?” Yushi blinks at him in confusion, eyes slowly widening as the reality sets in. Sion has tricked him. Yushi has no reason to not trust Sion absolutely and they both know it. Now it's Yushi's turn to be the adult. “Are you serious?” Yushi asks again, clinging to the idea that his hyung would never do something so reckless on a whim. 

“I am very serious,” Sion confirms. Yushi's face twitches into a flustered half-smile, unsure whether to laugh or cry. Sion doesn't give him a chance to choose either, taking Yushi by the hand and pulling him further down the streets at a jog. “Come on,” Sion insists, laughing at the way Yushi still keeps up with Sion diligently despite the absurdity of it all. 

“You're crazy,” Yushi can't stifle the smile forming on his face. A small warmth blooms in his chest. It's the first time Sion has seen Yushi smile today. Sion has had enough of crying Yushi for a lifetime. 

They windowshop a bit. Sion buys them streetfood that is so delicious Sion knows it is leagues out of their diets. Yushi has enough change in his pocket to purchase a drink from a vending machine that is so bitter he cannot even attempt to school his face. Sion drinks it all for him because it is some sort of gift, even if it's a bad one. Eventually Yushi points at a tower, a big landmark he knows and that Sion vaguely remembers somebody claiming was close to their hotel. 

It still takes them another hour to track the place down, and an extra ten minutes to loop around to the actual entrance. Yushi doesn't complain even once. The receptionist gives them a sideways glance for their rain-stained clothes but Sion can't even pretend to mind. 

This time Sion gets to ride the elevator with Yushi. The doors seal closed and the hush of isolation rushes in on him. Sion should really push the button for their floor, Yushi is on the opposite side and even if he'd wanted to press it Sion is in the way. He can't do it. 

“When I told you I loved you, I meant it,” The words find Sion in the quiet. “I wasn't pretending when we’ve kissed, either,” Sion finds the admittance surprisingly easy. “I haven't been fair to you, I know– but you have to be fair to yourself too.” Yushi nods his agreeance. 

“Tomorrow, let's stop being just coworkers and go back to how we used to be,” Yushi requests. He meets Sion’s eyes properly for the first time all night and sticks out his hand, pinky outstretched. “Promise?” Yushi nudges his hand forward and Sion links their pinkies with no hesitation. 

Yushi strips off his sweatshirt heavy with rainwater the second they walk through the door while Sion searches for the heating controls. Yushi draws closer to the wall heater and slots himself as close as he can without touching. The clock on the bedside table blinks as the digits flip from eleven to twelve.

“It's tomorrow,” Sion announces. Yushi releases a deep breath Sion hadn't noticed he'd been holding. Nothing changes, there is no big revelation. Their feelings have not changed, not in years. 

“Good,” Yushi steps close to Sion to lean up and press a kiss to his lips, chaste. Sion's heart flutters at the affection. “I haven't stopped liking you, even for a second,” Yushi is vulnerable, another trait for Sion to admire and envy. 

“Me either,” Sion tries, a lackluster attempt at what comes to Yushi so easily. Evidently it is enough, as Yushi kisses him again, delicate and slow. He pulls away only to wrap Sion in a soft hug that warms Sion from the chest outwards, drying out the clinging rain and replacing it with a new quiet warmth. 

Riku's hand lotion smells like lemons and vanilla. It is a pretty, gentle smell. It suits him. Sion applies it to his own hands generously, since Riku is offering. Sion needs as much of Riku as possible as quickly as he can. He is no idiot, he knows what's coming. 

“I need to take a break,” Riku tells him, quiet even in the privacy of their shared bedroom. The silence that follows is pulled taut between the two of them. Sion of all people should know that this has been coming. Sion sees Riku at his absolute lowest, and his lowest is very, very low– bone tired and clinging to Sion's arm, breath shallow and head heavy. 

“Okay,” Sion starts. The words end as soon as they begin. He'd been hoping if he just started talking then he'd find the words. Maybe a good leader would talk Riku out of it for the sake of the team. Maybe Sion doesn't want to keep to the rulebook anymore. Maybe he wants to play around with the others and trust them to make good decisions for themselves and fall stupidly in love with his bandmates just a little. 

It would be better for their image if Riku stuck it through and they just waited for that promised time when things slow down. Sion is not foolish enough to convince himself that the good outcome for Riku lies in that reality. Riku is rundown and will only get worse. It shouldn't be Sion making this decision but if Riku needs him to make it for him, then he will. Dragging Riku along and pretending that everything is alright isn't working. 

“For how long?” Sion asks. There's no need to discuss it, no reason to weigh the pros and cons of the team dynamic or however the hell the company will phrase it. Sion can see that Riku needs this, clear as day. Riku can take all the time he needs. Sion would give anything just to see Riku happy again, without this ugly cloud of thinkly veiled misery trailing behind him. 

“I don't know,” Riku looks at his knees, picking at a scab he won’t let heal. “I haven't talked to anyone about it but you, but the doctors said I should,” Riku explains, trailing off and worrying his lip with his teeth. He looks smaller than Sion has ever seen him. 

Sion has seen the way Riku will go pale and quiet when they’re filming out in public, trying to blend into the crowd so badly that a manager has to wrangle him closer. Sion has felt the way Riku's heart hammers heavy and quick in his chest when they meet a new filming crew, pulse point leaping where they touch. Sion has heard the way Riku's voice will falter during introductions at a new venue, quieter with each new person. It is obvious that something isn't working. 

“I can talk to the company if you want,” Sion offers. Riku looks taken aback, moments away from hastily denying. Then his shoulders slump and he leans on Sion, toying with his own fingers and staring at the floor. He agrees for Sion to bring it up. Sion will do anything for him, even this. 

“Hey,” Riku requests, nudging himself further into Sion's space. “Will you still like me even if I stay sad?” Riku looks up to meet Sion's eyes, wide and searching and most of all scared . It's a quiet fear, pensive– a horrible fear that leaves Sion devastated. 

Sion wants to tell him that of course he will. He's loved Riku all this time, in various pigments of happiness and sadness. The love Sion has for Riku towers over him, it crushes down on his lungs and leaves him breathless and overwhelmed. Of course Sion will still love him, but saying that alone doesn't seem enough.

“I've loved you all this time, nothing temporary will change that,” Sion tells him, because Sion would like to believe that emotions are not immutable– just like his love for Riku grows by the day. Riku's sadness may come and go and Sion can love him through it. It's only turbulence. 

Riku's eyes widen and he purses his lips together to fight a smile that takes him by surprise. Riku drops his head to his chest and covers his face with his hands, his shoulders crumpled inward. 

“I love you too,” Riku says all sweet, his tongue swallowing some of the syllables in his shyness, “Just so we're on the same page,” Riku tacks on, and it dawns on Sion that he hasn't used such a big word as love to Riku before. Belatedly, the embarrassment burns up his cheeks to his ears, a stubborn shyness he's wished many times to outgrow. 

Little by little, the tension unwinds. Riku talks about family he'd like to see back home in Fukui, places he'd like to show Sion some day, the scent of the bakery near his apartment and the color of the leaves outside of his window. 

“When I auditioned, there were so many people,” Riku reminisces, “I remember thinking there's no way I'd make it, but now here I am– sometimes it all feels like it's happening too fast, and I'm the only one who can't keep up,” Riku spills his guts suddenly, “You and Yushi were born for this, and I can't stop thinking that I must not be.”

Sion finds that idea ridiculous. Riku is definitely made for this, he's good . He's more than good enough to make Sion jealous of him at times. Things seem to come to Riku easily, he has always stood out. From the first time Sion watched him perform in a dimly lit practice room, he'd known it. 

“You're more than good enough,” Sion can't put to words just how wrong Riku is, but he tries his best. Even the little that Sion can phrase elegantly has Riku turning soft and mushy. Riku shuffles forward to wrap himself around Sion's middle. The touch is soothing, like a hot pack on sore muscles. 

“You have to take care of Yushi for me,” Riku mumbles, face tucked into Sion's shoulder, “Will you promise?” He asks, swaying the two of them back and forth gently. Sion can't turn down a request like that. Anything Riku wants is never too much, no matter how cheesy. 

The room is much neater than Sion ever kept it. Not that he was ever slovenly, but his parents have maintained this place beyond immaculately. The realization that nobody actually lives in this room is immediately apparent the second you walk in. Nothing about this place is ‘lived-in’ but Sion can still picture himself in here. He used to film tiktoks in the corner by the mirror that if he saw today would make him want to punt his phone out the nearest window. 

Sion doesn't really know why he came here. His parents are on a trip and he has a rare day off and the idea of coming back to his old room hooked itself into his brain. it isn't until Sion comes face to face with that familiar wallpaper that it all really clicks. Sion is in mourning, a farewell to his kidself. Sion grew up a long time ago, but he’s put this off. He's good at putting things off, for better or worse. 

Yushi looks around politely, eyeing the jersey on the wall and the notebooks on his desk. Last time Sion lived here he was a student. Now he's dropped out long enough ago to have already regretted it and found the time to get his credentials anyway. The notebook on the top is full of notes from a math class he was concerned about once. Clearly that problem resolved itself. 

“How come you didn't take these with?” Yushi pulls out a neatly folded pair of sweatpants adorned with cute cartoon characters from the top drawer of Sion's dresser. The rush of embarrassment Sion feels is deeply childish but he snags the pants from Yushi and shoves them back in the drawer anyway. 

“Don't go through my drawers, pervert,” Sion chastises him. Yushi looks thoroughly unbothered by Sion's accusation. He sits on Sion's old bed and the image makes Sion's stomach lurch. 

“You're the one who brought me to your bedroom while your parents are out,” Yushi's observation is very astute and Sion had not actually thought the implication through. This isn't actually Sion's bedroom. It is his bedroom. He just doesn't sleep here or live here and he definitely didn't bring Yushi here for the reason he's implying. His bedroom in the dorms is empty anyway if he wanted to do that. 

“How come you're so clingy with Daeyoung?” Sion asks, because even after everything the thoughts still cling like cobwebs in the back of mind, too high in the rafters to wipe away by himself. He doesn’t verbalize the other half of the question (Why not me instead? What does he have that I lack?) but Yushi looks at him like he knows exactly what Sion is thinking. 

Maybe Yushi does know without asking. Sion has spent a lot of years as the liaison for Yushi's thoughts that can’t form on his tongue, through shyness or language or both. Sion is good at understanding Yushi without him having to verbalize anything. What he hadn't considered is that their relationship is not a one-way street.

“Daeyoung is like a big teddy bear,” Yushi tells him, stalling his thoughts to look oddly pensive. “If I did those things with you, I–” Yushi halts once again sucking his bottom lip in and chewing on the words in his brain until the suspense becomes nearly unbareable. “I think I’d show too much in front of the cameras.” 

The vulnerability of their job is not a foreign concept to Sion in the slightest. He’s seen his own stupidly fond face on the screen many times and has wondered why he can't just phone it in and act nonchalant like he isn't smitten by Riku and Yushi all the time. It is one of the many dangers Sion has brooded over before he'd ever allowed himself to go this far. 

Yushi presses against Sion's side and links their fingers together and says, “Doing this with Daeyoung isn't scary like it is with you.” Yushi is not eloquent and never has been but the message is clear without any fancy words and dressings. It is easy with Daeyoung because there will never be any actual weight behind the touching. They are friends, nothing more. Daeyoung doesn't like boys the way they do. 

“You're scared of me?” Sion asks. He doesn’t mean to tease, it just comes out naturally. Usually Sion delights at how easily he can break Yushi's pokerface. Sion hardly has to do anything to get a smile out of him, even the threat of it is enough. In hindsight, Yushi's affection for him was a big neon sign. Being delusional is another one of Sion's skills.

“Very,” Yushi answers simply. He's not so afraid that he shrinks away from Sion, however. Instead he meets Sion's gaze boldly and unflinching. “I didn't know what liking someone felt like before I met you,” Yushi tells him. Yushi speaks so little yet he has some inherent power to devastate Sion again and again. 

Sion presses Yushi into the mattress and kisses him stupid. Yushi fists his hands into Sion's sleeves and holds tight. When Sion pulls away to catch his breath, it hitches in his throat. Yushi is so pretty beneath him, eyes locked onto Sion's and kiss-swollen lips slightly parted. He is holding his breath, still and patient for Sion. 

Sion has never had a boy in here, at least not a boy that meant anything close to what Yushi does. In a way Sion almost feels like a stranger here himself. He hasn't spent a night in this room in years. There have been people he's wished to bring back to his room to have like this, before he ever met Yushi. If the amount he's liked people was measured in water droplets, those people altogether are a pitcher next to the ocean that is Yushi. 

“Does Riku kiss you like this?” Sion asks. Thinking too much about the two of them together is dangerous territory, the sort of thoughts that keep Sion up late. Yet Sion is asking, like an idiot. It's hard to control himself when Yushi is involved. 

“No,” Yushi breathes, “He doesn't try to be all manly and cool,” Yushi tells him, double-edged. “Like you do when you're trying to prove something,” Yushi says everything like it's a secret, all the time, hushed and a little pensive even if he's only asking Sion to pass him the cereal box. When he shares real secrets, it takes a moment to sink in. Yushi makes the ritual of secret-telling feel mundane. 

“I think I have a lot to prove to you, after all I've done,” Sion tells him, raw and vulnerable words normally reserved for his thoughts. Yushi's quiet has rubbed off on him, made him lose some of his barriers. “Riku asked me to take care of you.” 

Yushi flushes at the admission, squirming under Sion and trying to hide his face in the pillows. Sion should probably ease off, let Yushi hide away, but this intimacy is too intoxicating. Sion wants to confess more, just to watch Yushi melt into a blushing puddle. 

“He didn't,” Yushi refutes pointlessly, as if he can will the past Riku away with words alone. “That's so embarrassing,” Yushi states the obvious as he covers up his burning cheeks with his hands, heat so powerful Sion can feel it radiate off of him. 

“He did,” Sion confirms solemnly. God, Sion is such a loser he can't help himself. Sion has always thought of himself as a loser, but at least when he lived in this room he thought he was hiding it well. Sion is now old enough to know that he wasn't. Yet somehow some recruiter bought his fronting and pulled him out of his bedroom where he could meet Yushi and Riku and fall so hard for them that he can't even pretend to be suave. 

“I miss him,” Yushi's voice gets impossibly smaller. He exhales shaky from his nose, staring at Sion's chest and digging his fingers into his arms in a desperate attempt to ground himself. The melancholy of it hits Sion like a truck. 

“Me too,” Sion admits, dropping his head down to rest against Yushi's. “So badly,” He reiterates because now that he’s admitted it he cannot even attempt to dam up the flood of feelings. 

Sion cannot fill in the empty berth of Maeda Riku in Yushi's heart anymore than he can try to fill up the identical gap in his. Sion can plant himself in the space beside and put down roots and hope that Yushi's heart has enough space for the both of them. He can hope that even if the absence is felt, Yushi can find respite in Sion's arms to weather this together.

Sion’s thumb hovered over the call button so long that it didn't even register that he'd pressed it. It has been a long night, the five of them have only just been home long enough to properly unwind. Sion should be more considerate. The contact picture for Riku on his phone had him stuck, unable to push the loneliness down.

“Hello?” Riku answers despite the ridiculously late hour for Sion to be calling. He sounds like he's just woken up, a familiar tone to Sion. It’s comforting almost, the first voice Sion would usually hear each day. Sion has missed those raspy good morning, hyungs , just as vital as the glass of water on his nightstand. 

“Hyung?” Riku's voice snaps Sion out of his daze, a rush of guilt and embarrassment burning up from his chest. Sion is supposed to be letting Riku rest, not calling him unprompted past midnight. What Sion wants is not the priority right now. 

“Sorry, I just–” Sion sputters, a desire to do some sort of damage control. Words misfire in his brain leaving him tongue-tied. He hasn't heard Riku's voice in a couple days. He can almost convince himself he can hear the steady in and out of his breathing– a secret lullaby Sion's has had to do without. “I didn't mean to call, I know it's late.” 

Riku clicks his tongue in disapproval, almost inaudible through the phone. If Sion wasn't so obsessed with him he probably wouldn't have heard it. “Well you did call,” Riku chides, “So take some responsibility.” Sion laughs at nothing and everything, pathetically giddy just to have Riku like this. 

“Tell me about your day, Riku,” Sion will not miss an opportunity to have his name on his tongue, one of the sweetest words he knows. Sion can picture Riku tucked into bed, washed up and comfortable but staying awake just for Sion. Riku snorts on the other end of the line, but Sion doesn’t care if he's being cheesy. Anything to listen to Riku talk for just a little longer. 

“I didn't do anything at all today, and it was nice,” Riku's voice is soft. He probably didn't bother to turn the lights on. Riku's bedroom is on the opposite end of the house from his parents. Riku had given him a house tour over facetime. Darkness almost necessitates an additional quiet, no matter how unnecessary. Maybe Sion should lower his voice too, even if the dorm around him is noisy with the remnants of his team finishing up their nightly routines. 

“Did you eat well?” Sion asks, even though he sounds like an overprotective granny. Now that they are apart, Sion can't pile extra food on his plate or shove a snack in his face. He has to trust that Riku is looking out for himself. 

“My mom tried to make kimchi-jjigae,” Riku tells him, breathier and more whispery, “But it wasn't very good,” Riku's laughter hisses out, almost suppressed. Sion's heart brims at the mere idea that Riku is still carrying on a small part of Sion with him, no matter how diffused. 

“I'll make it for you when you come back,” Sion promises. Riku makes a pleased little noise. There's a moment of quiet, some thought trapped in Riku's brain making him pause that Sion can only guess at. He sits on the other end of the line equally quiet. He supposes this is what love is like, being so desperate to be together that even shared silence miles apart feels precious.

“Since when do you cook?” Riku teases, “Maybe I'll ask Jaehee instead,” Riku's voice is delicate and light, the most gentle ribbing imaginable. Sion only grows hotter with the need to prove himself. The door to Sion's bedroom clicks open and Yushi enters, shutting it softly behind him like he's sneaking. 

“It's not that hard to make, you know,” Sion denies Riku's accusation. Yushi is wearing new pajamas– old pajamas actually. The soft cartoon faces smile at Sion in warm familiarity. “Yushi stole my pants,” Sion says aloud. Riku cackles on the other end of the line. Yushi has no interest in acknowledging Sion's accusation. He climbs onto Sion to take the phone from him. 

“Riku-Chan, call me soon too,” Yushi scolds. Riku giggles all warm and giddy and Sion can picture how wide he's smiling, all laid back and cozy in his own pajamas. Sion has had front row seats to the unwound, ready for bed Riku near every night for a year. He misses the sight deeply. 

“Okay baby,” Riku's voice is honey sweet. He's not even talking to Sion but the pet name makes his heart skip a beat. Sion has a lot of catching up to do. “Hyung is the one who called me, anyways,” Riku tells Yushi, who sits in Sion's lap like it's no big deal. Sion may as well just be part of the furniture. 

“Goodnight kiss,” Yushi mumbles, holding the phone between himself and Sion. He kisses Sion, unexpectedly enough to pull some noise from Sion's lips. Yushi makes this noisier than he really needs to, like he's performing for an audience. It takes a moment for Sion to realize that he is .

“Oh,” Riku sounds dumbfounded, “Don't rub it in, so unfair,” Riku sulks. He makes an exaggerated kissing sound into the phone. “Good night,” He says sugary sweet, making Sion's heart flutter. Yushi ends the call and puts Sion's phone down for him. 

“We're not supposed to bother him,” Yushi scolds with no real malice. There is nobody else in the world who understands the depth of missing Riku like Yushi does. Sion will forgive him. One of them have to be the adult here. 

Partially melted snow crunches beneath Riku's boots as he wanders ahead. The sound scratches an itch in Sion's brain and he can't stop himself from trailing Riku just to hear more, to follow his silhouette bundled in warm clothes but nose turning red nonetheless. Yushi crouches by the bank ahead of them, careless of the risk of dirtying his clothes. 

Riku is not back for real, but he's here today and he will be tomorrow and it's almost like he never left at all. He will be coming back soon, but there's the long limbs tour dates filled with hotel stays and plane flights holding the space between them far apart. Winter has only just begun and the bulk of it is still looming, the threat of a months long blizzard to knock Sion over and disorient the tenuous normality he's built. 

Riku can take all the time he wants, at least that's what Yushi parrots each time Sion looks a little too wistful. Yushi is one to talk, with how mushy he's gotten on the Riku topic whenever it comes up. Riku strokes Yushi's hair, tangling his fingers through it and Yushi accepts the touch unflinchingly. Sion only realizes belatedly that he's messed up the look the stylist was going for even more than the wind has. He cannot wait until he stops thinking things like that at all and just let's things be. It is getting easier every day, little by little. 

Yushi wipes his hands on his pants and Sion laughs because the little punk isn't even trying to be good. Sion pushes all the thoughts of stylists and cameras and professionalism out of his head and pulls Yushi tight to his chest to kiss him on the cheek. Yushi grumbles but doesn't push Sion away, instead clutching to his arms tight to not lose balance. 

“I don't get any kisses?” Riku asks, all pouty. He puts up a good facade but Sion doesn't miss the tenderness behind it, the quiet loneliness, the greater unspoken sadness ever lingering under the bed. Sion has denied Riku too many times to have any resistance left, so he kisses Riku on the lips just to see him squirm and blush and nervously rubberneck at the few crew members in view to try and deduce if they were watching. 

Yushi grabs Riku's hands to redirect his attention and kisses him too for good measure. Riku melts between them, palms covering his too hot cheeks. Some of the bank shifts under Sion's feet and he nearly stumbled into the water. Riku and Yushi haul him back, laughter coming so easily. 

Sion is so drunk on the feeling of having them both beside him that he might need to lie down. He's been such a fool to deny himself this for so long, and he's even more of an idiot for convincing himself that this would be a bad thing. 

Much like the grass deepens its roots to outlast the winter, Riku will weather this– resilient despite his fragility. Yushi pulls up fistfuls of snow recklessly to reveal the damp earth below and marvel at the rawness of it. Someday too, Sion may learn to push up through the heavy blanket of slush to greet the season anew. All plants wake to a new day laden with dew, the three of them just have to wait for the heat of the sun. 

Come next season, Sion vows to be reborn. There will be three of them from that point forward, no more disillusion or second guessing. Little by little, Sion will peel back the layers of faux-happiness to reveal the real, delicate self within. Fingers intertwined– Yushi's grubby with dirt and Riku's icy where the cold has sunk itself beneath his skin– Sion will stand sturdy as he can, ready to meet the warmth of Spring. 

Maybe Sion is imagining it, but he swears the snow melts away faster with the two of them by his side.