Chapter Text
Option A or Option B?
Olivia Benson say in the waiting room of her new therapist. Her old one, Dr. Lindstrom, had retired a couple of months ago and recommend this one, a Dr. Marsha. After their first appointment, Olivia would agree that this was a great fit especially with her advice, honesty, and her no tolerance for b.s. Even after a couple of sessions, she was already being more honest about her feelings with herself and others around her. Which led to her current predicament. You see, for the first time in her life, she had to choose between two men. Both who had been her life for ten plus years. Both men were responsible for the worst heartbreaks in her entire life. Both crawled back into her lids. One could argue on purpose and one on accident. However, the hurt cause by the one that crawled back on purpose was the most fresh which equaled most pain. So, she felt that was affecting a lot of her decisions. An outside opinion was needed.
“Olivia, you ready,” the doctor asked.
“Yes,” she said getting up from her seat. Both women entered the room and took their respected spots. “So, how has it been since we last spoke,” Dr. Marsha asked.
“Good; a little crazy but good. Noah is doing great in school. He aced his entire report card so I am doing a yes day with him.”
“That is exciting.”
“Agreed, it has been a while since we’ve had a day just the two of us. So it will be fun. In terms of work, my team has a medium level in terms of case loads. I am really proud of Kate; she found a clue we needed to break a case. Fin is also doing great. He just showed everyone at work today photos of his grandkid. Amanda and Carisi are still healing together.”
“Do you want to elaborate on that?”
She sighs, “We had an accidental case a couple months back; Carisi walked into a bodega at the wrong or right time depending on ones view point. He was held hostage along with a few other people. One of the woman was assaulted while he was held in the other room and unable to do anything. Her screams have been apart all of our nightmares.”
“You were there as well.”
“Yes, I tried to trade myself for him so Carisi could get to safety but he wouldn’t allow it. The situation ended heartbreakingly when a kid who wasn’t that much older than Noah killed the bad guy. Carisi has been held at gunpoint before but, this was the first time he had someone waiting for him. He has been trying to put a noble front with the anniversary of the first time he was held up at gun point. Its a dangerous combo and he knows it.”
“Thankfully, Amanda has given him amazing support. She was the one to convince him to go to therapy and not just for himself but their family. They are doing therapy together as a couple and singular.”
“Wow, that is good that they are doing that together,” Dr. Masha said.
“Agreed. They fit each other so well.”
“Is that what you want in a relationship?” Olivia ponders for a moment.
After a beat, the therapist adds, “You are allowed to say what you would like in a relationship.”
Olivia takes another breath and says, “I had a coworker who when buying his wife flowers, he keeps one for himself so he knows how to get her new ones when they die. Or Fin will plan random dinner dates with his finance Phoebe. Heck, even my former partner Nick would do small romantic gestures with the mother of his child. There have been two relationships I feel could achieve that type of love. Four if you count Casey and Tucker, though even I knew those two relationships were trouble.”
A spray bottle came out; she stopped herself from being sprayed with water by saying, “ I am not being self-deprecating. I just have learned that they weren’t healthy relationships for various reasons.”
Dr. Masha nods her head as she puts the bottle away, “I will give you a pass on that. But, if you continue to be negative about yourself, it will come back out.”
Olivia snickered and nodded her head. She continued, “The first two relationships I was talking about are Elliot Stabler and Rafael Barbra; option a and b as Fin has joked. Those closest to me along with myself agree that they are the two romantic loves of my life.”
Marsha was writing down her statement; when it got to the last line, her eyebrow raised.
“For someone who is normally so private, that is a loud statement to make.”
“She snorted and said, “It would probably be another round of session lasting until next year to get through all I went through with both. However, I have been presented with a dilemma that I have to solve within a day.”
“That is a tight turn around. Is this the craziness that you mentioned earlier?”
“Yes.”
“Gotcha, gotcha. So, tell me about men. I’ll get my white board out and we will do our usual pros and cons. Sound good?”
“Yes.” “Great, lets start with the man you have the longest history with.”
“That would be Elliot. I have know him for almost thirty years.”
“Is he your longest partner?”
“Yes and no. A couple of those years, he was completely gone from my life.”
“How many-”
“Ten years.”
The therapist stopped writing. Olivia took this as an opportunity to explain further.
“There was a case where he had to shoot a barely a young woman to protect everyone in the station. However, it was his third officer involved shooting and… the damage was too much. So, he is family and left.”
“Okay, and I assume he said goodbye, right?”
She turns to look at Olivia. The Captain looks elsewhere before giving a meek, “No.”
She imminently goes back to the white board to write down what she had been told. She places them in the cons column and adds a hurt column to separate more info out.
Objecting, Olivia says, “ It wasn’t that bad that he left without saying goodbye.”
“Oh? How close were you two?”
Olivia mumbled, “I almost delivered his wife, Kathy’s, baby. She is also the reason I got a letter of apology from him.”
Dr. Marsha shook her head as she wrote, “I can’t wait to hear a positive about this guy.”
“He was one of the first people I could ever trust. He saved my life multiple times. He almost always had my back. He made me feel like I was floating on air. We worked so well as a team ninety percent of the time.”
“That is good to hear.” She moved to positive column to add the positives that were just mentioned.
Once finished, she asked, “What are some of his physical attributes that you love?”
“There is a few traits that I love. I”ll start with the top and work my way down. His eyes are like a wolf; always looking for something to love and protect. His grin fills with warmth every time it floats my way. He is also physically strong too. Two years ago, we were at this dinner and as we were eating, this gunman comes in and starts shooting up the place. I was about to give Elliot cover since I was able to clear my eyes of the gas that was thrown, but I was shot in the side. It sent us both flying to the ground though I was still able to kill the shooter using Elliot’s gun. I was his eyes so he was able to carry me to safety. Finally, he has a great ass.”
Marsha snorted, “That is important.”
“It is. Anyway, we have also had an emotional connection. Almost like we were able to read each others minds.”
“Wonderful, and what have been some interactions or things you haven’t liked.” Olivia bit her lip, clearly holding back on something. Dr. Marsha gave her a come on look. Olivia relented.
“More experienced me has realized how much has happened without him. Career, I became a Sargent, then a Captain without his help. I have been a great team leader and mother without him. While I helped his kids multiple times, he has barely wanted to interact with my son even if I set up the meet for us. It comes down to this: I have grown and he hasn’t.” Dr. Marsha wrote the line on the white board and underlined it.
“Okay, we have a good list. Lets talk through B: Rafael Barbra.”
Olivia couldn’t help it but, a warm simile crept on her face, “He cockily waltzed into my life not long after Elliot left. He has for the most part stayed by my side. He has only left my life twice.”
The smile goes.
“First time was after his trail. He kept in contact though, always the first to say happy birthday. The second time was due to a disagreement we had. He was defending a really evil client. One that had appeared on Elliot's radar. It really hurt me and our friendship to the point we didn’t speak for a couple of months. He recently told me that he did it to protect me. I have forgiven him but the hurt is still there.”
“That is a big acknowledgement. Why do you think that it hurt you so much?” “I think it is because it was the first time I truly felt betrayed by him. Even with William Lewis.”
“He was the prosecutor on that case?”
“Yes, I know he blamed himself for what happened. But, nobody could predict what was going to happen with that monster.”
“From what I read in the case file that you gave me permission to read, I agree. What were his actions after?”
“He gave me the space I needed while also checking in on me.”
“Did Elliot check-in on you?”
As if realizing something for the first time, she answered, “No.”
Marsha added that to Elliot's harm column. Switching direction, the captain says, “One of my favorite things Rafael did was start our coffee and dinner dates.”
“When did these dates happen?” “Random through if it was a tough case, both would happen.”
“Sounds like he was being protective in his own way.”
“How so?”
“Checking on you, making sure that you were okay. He may not have done the physical act of protecting you. But, he still protective of you by giving you an emotional outlet and being there for you.” “Huh, I just thought that it was just someone being there for me.”
“Was there any moments of physical protectiveness?”
“More verbal rather than physical. He has defended my honor and reputation multiple times to the point that I have lost count. I have been more physical protective of the two of us. One of the more memorable times was we were on the steps of the courthouse and we almost got shot. I managed to push him down in time so, he didn’t get shot.”
“Did he stay close to you the next couple of days after?”
“Yes, not to the point that it was annoying but definitely hovered.”
“Great, and what is his relationship with Noah?”
She snorted, “The first time he held Noah, Rafael held him like he was the plague. After that it was great. Noah even told me that he was his favorite of all his uncles and before you ask, even when we were not speaking to each other, he stayed in contact with Noah. He did ask permission first though.”
Marsha wrote respected boundaries in Barba’s positive column, “And his physical qualities you like?”
“Whether he clean shaven or has a beard, he can work it. His eyes are like a sunny meadow; always and welcoming. I feel comfortable almost like I am home. His butt looks great in a suit, heck he looks great in anything.”
“Amen to that.” Dr. Marsha stepped away from the board. For the first time since Olivia had started to come here, it was completely full.
Dr. Marsha whistled, “ I see why this can be confusing. I take it that both have made their feelings known to you.”
“Yup.”
“You can’t decided?”
“Yup.”
Marsha looked at her, “Have you kissed or progressed further with even of them?”
“Dr. Marsha!”
“Sorry not the most professional question, but, it is the only way to get you to the answer. Unless you want me to call-”
“No, I don’t want you to do that.”
“Is it because you know who your friends would recommend for you?” Olivia looked everywhere but at Marsha.
“That's what I thought but remember at the end of the day, it is your decision. You choose whoever you want.”
“Thank you.” A beat later. “Almost kissed Barbra and had in a addition to a almost kiss, a moment with Elliot.”
“Okay, was the moment after Elliot got back or before.”
“Yes, we never tried anything while Kathy was alive and married to Elliot. He had gotten me the compass necklace.”
“Did you talk about the moment with Elliot?”
“No.”
“So, a teased and run.”
“Yes, he- I never thought about it that way.”
“Does it seem like every time that you were ready, he wasn’t. And every time you got closer with someone else, he would act like he has been in love with you this entire time or jealous?” Silence. It hit Olivia in this moment that this was the case. All the those previous moments. The sad thing was part of her didn’t care.
“But, him carrying me out the door-”
“That is romantic. However, do I-”
“Yes, you have permission.”
“Then, did he call after you got home to check on you? Or after Lewis? Or when your son got kidnapped? Heck, did he even call after any of your promotions and achievements? Or did he just show up without warning?”
Crickets.
“For the final rapid fire question, am I right in assuming that he was the one to ask for the deadline?”
Olivia looked up shocked, “How did you guess?”
“Fit the pattern. Do you feel comfortable telling the situation?”
Olivia wiped her face with her hand, “I guess I should. I was having coffee with Rafael when I get a call from Fin that Elliot was waiting for me to talk about a case. Rafael walked me back to the office since our conversation wasn’t done. Plus, it was nice to hear about his teaching job and advocacy work. We get out of the elevator and Elliot is standing outside of my office. It was almost like seeing a dog on its hind legs. He would’ve attacked Rafael if I hadn’t gotten in between and Fin hadn’t went into protective brother mode. I bid Rafael goodbye; he had this odd look on his face. He shook it off before saying, “It was good to see you, Olivia.” He left. I went to my office and before I could even say anything, Elliot goes on the attack. He dosen’t say anything derogatory about me. But, he dose about Rafael. I chew him out for it. This leads to one of our biggest fights. I end up kicking him out of my office. As he is leaving, he says that “you will have to choose between Rafeal and me.” He stormed, out bothering to close the door behind him. Fin came in to check in on me and suggested I book an emergency appointment with you.”
Dr. Marsha had sat down in her seat by time Olivia was done speaking, “I am sorry that happened.”
“Thank you.” The therapist seemed to know where she was going with this story but seemed to wait. “I want and deserve that love. I know that either man I choose hasn’t always been perfect but to me, it does seem like there is a clear cut person on who I should spend the rest of my days with.”
“So, who are you choosing?” They sat in silence when an idea crossed the doc’s mind, “There is another way that we can confirm it. Do you feel comfortable trying it?”
“Sure.”
“Alright, close your eyes.” Olivia dose it.
“Now, you are walking down the aisle. Who is the groom?”
“Okay, this is-” “Just trust me.”
Olivia sighed and muttered, “Alright.”
Dr. Masha watched as the Captain worked through the idea. Personally, she thought that she should go with Rafael since he was the healthier option. However, she obviously couldn’t say so. She wished she take of a picture of Olivia’s face when she had figured it out.
“It is-”
Benson’s phone rang earning a groan from Dr. Marsha, “Sorry,” both women said at the same time. The doctor asked her to answer it.
“This is Benson,” the Captain answered. There was a pause as she listened to the phone call. Judging by her hand shaking and her eyes started to glisten, it wasn’t happy news.
“I will be right there. Thank you. Tell I will kick his ass if he dies before I get there. Thank you for the call.” She hangs up the phone.
“What's wrong,” Dr. Marsha asked, hoping her hunch wasn’t right.
“Elliot must’ve sense something was about to change in our relationship because he just got shot.”
“Oh my God, I am so sorry. What can I do to help?”
“I am going to go to the hospital. Can I reschedule the rest of my session for a later date?”
“Yes, I will check in with you later. Go, be safe.”
“Thank you.”
Olivia sprinted out of the office; Marsha prayed to anyone listening that it would be okay. The hospital Elliot was at was within walking distance of the predict so Olivia drove her car to there and planned to run the rest of the way. She got to the predict in record time and began to make her way. She pulled her phone and text Noah that she would probably be late tonight. She wasn’t paying attention otherwise she would’ve seen the truck that blew the red light. Luckily, someone else was. She was gently yanked back. It shocked her and she was ready to lay into the person when she noticed the truck barreling through the spot she once stood. So, she instead turned to thank the person when she saw two filmier eyes looking back at her. Eyes that had a slight panic to them. Eyes that confirmed she had made the right decision.
“Are you okay? I am sorry if I pulled too hard,” Rafael said in a rushed panicked voice.
“Its okay; it doesn't hurt at all and beats the other alterative,” she joked. He looked down, shuffling his feet. She followed his gaze to find he was holding her favorite flower, daisies, in his hand. It warmed her heart; it also reminded her of the predicament that she once had. How stupid could I be, she thought, it was always sweat Rafael. The man who once joked that he would be by her side until the end. She just needed one more goodbye before she started this journey with him and also stop the tears. Before she could speak, he saw where her glaze lay.
“Ah yes. I got you these today because… I decided to stop being a coward and speaking riddles. I want to be with you more than a friend. I want to hold your hand as we walk around center park. I want to kiss you as if it were my only way of getting oxygen. I want to scream to the world that I am lucky enough to have Olivia Benson as my partner. I want to make up for the mistakes that I made. I will apologies the rest of my days for hurting and breaking your trust. I understand if I am too late, or I have hurt you too much, or you don’t have feelings for me. If any of these are the case, I get it. I would be okay with being your friend or someone that you just bump into every once in a while. I am laying it out all at your feet and call.”
In this moment, the decision wasn’t hard especially after that speech. She took a step closer and pressed a kiss on Rafael’s forehead. His breath hitched in surprise.
“I would love to be your partner for life. I would love to do all those things with you. I just..” Reality reminded her where she was headed, causing the tears to escape.
“Honey, what is wrong,” Rafael asked concerned.
“Elliot is in the hospital; he got shot bad and is dying. Is it okay if I go and say goodbye?”
His face softened, “Of course, you don’t have to ask permission for that. I am going to walk over with you. I won’t go into the hospital room with you but, I will be right there with you.”
Part of her wanted to argue that he didn’t have to do that but given that she was almost hit by a truck, another set of eyes was probably not a bad idea. He gently held her hand as they made their way to the hospital. The reception directed them quickly upstairs. His family were siting outside of the room minus his brother and the oldest daughter. Rafael gave her arm a squeeze before stepping back. Each of the kids gave her a hug. Then, his oldest son led her into the hospital room. The missing daughter was sitting by her dad’s side. Looking at the stats, her heart broke. Elliot was in the middle of a surge. The father and daughter duo looked her way.
“I will give you two some space,” the daughter said. She goes to Olivia and pulls her into a hug, “I know that he is about to surge. I hate to ask this but..”
“Yes, I will.”
“Thank you.” The daughter gave her a squeeze before exiting the room. Olivia focused her attention on Elliot.
“Hello, Liv,” he weakly whispered. She walked over to him and took his hand. He lifted it and gave it a kiss.
“So, it looks like this cowboy did his last rodeo.”
“Hey we don’t know that.”
"Liv, don’t kid a dying man.”
Softly, “Your right. I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have did what I did today. Can you forgive me?”
“Yes, I can. You focus on getting better.”
“I will try but we both know that this probably the surge talking. I do have one question though.”
“Anything.” “What would your choice been if I hadn’t been shot?” Olivia finally broke eye contact. How could she tell the man who was actively dying that he had less to live for. Elliot being Elliot could tell though.
“Its alright. I may loath the guy but, you could do worst and who am I to stand in the way of true love.”
“Elliot-” “Olivia, it is okay. Live your life. I will be waiting on the other side for you or I will catch you in the next life.”
Liv nodded her head, “Until next time.”
The pair held hands until Elliot's grew limp and cold. Bastard had a DNR, so the nurses only could unplug and wait. Old her would’ve made them wait until the sun burnt up. Today? She kissed his forehead, part of her hopping that he would wake up. But this was real life. The nurses continued the process of taking care of the dead, almost like robots. Exiting the room was one of the hardest things she ever had to do. Exiting the room resulted arriving upon his family weeping. Ever the strong shoulder, she didn’t cry. She comforted them. Rafael continued to stay at a respectable distance until the family was whisked away by hospital administration. Then, he was immediately by her side. His arms prevented her from collapsing to the ground from grief. The mourning process started right there and then. He got her home safely and took care of calling those closest to Olivia to inform them off the news. He also let them know that she wouldn’t be coming into work until probably after the funeral. Rafael checked in on Noah and got dinner for them all so all Liv had to do was get into her pjs. Once she was dressed, she went to the living room and near collapsed on the couch. Noah came in while Rafael was out and stayed with her. She was lucky to have a kid like him.
“I’m sorry for your loss mom,” Noah repeated as Rafael repeated as Rafael entered the room. He left as if sensing his mom needed to shed more tears but couldn't do it in his presence. Dinner was in silence as if they both needed a moment of peace. After they cleaned up, they both got ready for bed. Rafael stayed on the couch. They both knew that if he slept in her bed tonight, it would doom their relationship from the start.
At the funeral, Olivia cried no tears. Perhaps it was because she had cried all the tears she had in her or she was being a good little shoulder. Rafael hovered; he knew that he would be a surprise guest but he wanted to be there to support Olivia. The funeral was short and ended with Elliot's ashes spread in the Hudson and a trip to his favorite bar. For the first time, Olivia was one of the first to leave the post funeral ceremony. She led the toast and Irish goodbye it's time the second beer was being dropped onto the bar.
For the next two weeks, Olivia healthy mourned so she could go to work. The next two weeks after that, she moved her clothes from full black to bits of purple and returned to work. Everyone in her life provided the support she needed. Rafael and her went on their first official date two months lat. Both felt any sooner would be inappropriate. Everyone in their lives was happy and supportive.