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These past few days have been uneasy, to say the least. In everything I do, and everywhere I go, it's as if something, or someone, has been following me around. Some may say I could be haunted by a ghost. Truth be told, I am haunted. However, this "ghost" isn't dead, nor is he a complete stranger to me. He was someone I once met, someone I knew, someone I loved.
The moment I woke up, I thought I'd be warmly greeted with 'good morning' by a voice that had been so familiar to me, accompanied by a small kiss on my forehead. Suddenly, I remembered I only had a pillow to cuddle. But it felt just like him— his warmth and his scent still lingered in my sheets as the morning dew shone upon my face. It was his radiance that once blinded me from my slumber, but now, it's actually the rays gleaming through my bedroom window. Is it telling me to finally wake up from a "dream" that was once a reality? Is it time for me to leave this small world we made for both of us? But what if that "dream" is something I'd never wanna wake up from? These questions spiralled in my mind as I lazily got up.
With that said, I went on with my usual routine, and ran some errands for the House of the Hearth. That odd, unsettling feeling came in yet again. This time, I tried to feel for his hand, but it wasn't there. Walking down these busy streets, our fingers would intertwine almost every time, and we wouldn't let each other go. But looking back at it now felt bittersweet because the hand I wanted to hold was no longer there.
Even the smallest glances at familiar places would give me flashbacks. I mean, how could I forget? Those places hold countless memories for us. When I was picking out some Rainbow Roses nearby the Opera Epiclese, I saw a hill not too far from the fountain. Only then did I realize it was where I was extremely close to telling him how I felt before he went to Natlan. He was in his pursuit of finding his sister, hoping to reunite with her and go to other worlds like he used to. His words that night still echoed in my mind: 'I hope that in due time, fate will intertwine our paths once more, and we'll always be together.' Until that day arrived, and he had to say goodbye to everyone, including me, on this exact same hill. Truthfully, I was happy he got to be with her again, but at the same time, I felt like coming undone when I remembered he'll be gone for good.
At that moment, I didn't even notice a tear rolling down my cheek until a kind Melusine snapped me out from my trance. "Are you alright, Mr. Lyney?" She asked. "Um... Yeah! I'm perfectly fine, thank you," I replied in kind. "I just remembered something so beautiful, I shedded a tear, that's all!" Of course, I lied. I couldn't just tell anyone I could cry because of an old memory I had. It's because... they were too intimate for me to share— they were special to me.
And as I was on my way home, I was beginning to imagine things. I remembered every opportunity he had just to kiss me— behind trees, in alleyways, backstage, and even in my own room. As a result, I couldn't properly sleep from thinking about it. I twisted and turned, hoping I could be at peace and succumb to my slumber, but I can still feel him. His touch had ghosted every inch of my body. His voice, like a soft lullaby to my ears. His smile, the brightest one I've ever seen. Instead of making me feel happy when I thought of him, they've left a scar on my heart, reminding me that I'll never find the same kind of light he gives ever again.
Days later, I felt deprived from rest, which made me having to cancel my shows. It garnered a ton of mixed reactions from the crowd— shock, disappointment, and frustration. I truly understand their sentiment because I'd feel the same if I was in their shoes. But, given my current state, I'm afraid I couldn't keep them entertained for quite some time. There was even a time when I didn't go out and about in the court for a whole day. It's all just... draining.
I'm tired of feeling like being followed by a shadow. I'm tired of those restless nights thinking he'd be lying next to me anytime soon. I'm tired of trying to feel him when he's no longer there for me to reach out to. I'm tired of longing to kiss him at any given opportunity. I thought I'd be fine with this when that day came, but I'm not. I loved him too much to let him go. I was too comfortable in our relationship that I forgot that soon enough, he'll be this "ghost" leaving a trace in every single spot.
Until I wasn't able to hold it in any longer, I snuck out in the middle of the night, went to that same hill, and broke down. I couldn't take it anymore. It's as if I'm being buried alive. It's exhausting me both physically and emotionally, that I just wanted to let it all out. I just wanted to be at peace. I just wanted... to move on with my life. But why do you have to keep tying me down? Why do you have to keep me entangled with my memories of you? Why won't you leave me alone like you did during that day?!
...
With the whole world falling silent, the moon wept with the stars as they watched me from the distant night sky. Salty droplets of water ran down my cheeks while I sat alone. At that moment, I felt nothing at all— just numbness. I didn't feel angry, nor do I feel sad. I'm completely fatigued, empty, and felt a huge void within me. I guess this is where I slowly accept everything— the fact you're not here, not coming, and that despite everything, you'll still follow me around. I should also try to be happy for you, as I promised you on the day you left. Instead of looking back at every moment as something that could haunt me, I'll try to look at them in a new light— I'll remember them as the joys we had together, bringing nostalgia to me as I go on with my life.
I've once heard that time can heal wounds, and I do believe so. I don't know when, but someday, I'll revert back to my usual self again, while carrying your love with me wherever I go. I hope you're doing well with your journey, mon étoile. Soon, I'll be happy like you told me to. Thank you for loving me as you did. If the concept of reincarnation really is true, then I promise, I will find you in every lifetime... Aether.