Archive of Our Own

“Inquisitor, have you never thought that you might be hurting our dear Commander?”

Raven looks up from the bright flames rising from the fireplace they’d made earlier before the darkness fell over them. It’s still warm, it never seems to cool down much in the Hissing wastes even during the night, which Raven hates but Dorian has expressed his gratitude for many times. Dorian has offered to take over the first shift of night watch and Raven isn’t tired enough yet to go to sleep, so they enjoy the almost overwhelming quietness of the desert and his company, or at least until he interrupted the silence with that sentence.

“Hurting him…how?” Raven doesn’t have any idea what he’s talking about. They hadn’t hurt Cullen yet, even if it was in discussion currently regarding their sex.

“Well, you’re not exactly loyal to him.”

Raven sighs. “So that’s what this is about.”

“I just-” He stops for a moment. “I just thought things were different here. That you could freely choose a person to be and stay with, not out of duty, or an heir, or a lineage, but out of love.”

If the situation was less serious they would fake a gag. Somehow, out of all people Dorian is the one to confront them about this, even if they’re sure many more people are silently judging them.

“But I am choosing people to be with. Is this about me also sleeping with Leliana?” Or Josephine. Or Sera. Or the Iron Bull. There are many possible choices.

“Indeed. Don’t you care about Cullen?” He runs a hand through his hair.

“I do,” they firmly say, refusing to elaborate. If Dorian is judging them and starting this uncomfortable conversation he should say the details out loud and not make them do it.

“So is he alone not enough for you?”

Raven sighs again. “No one person would make me happy. Doesn’t matter how much I like Cullen or anyone. That’s just not how I work apparently.”

Dorian hums, seemingly understanding a bit more. “I could just not see myself being in love with several people at once.”

Raven snorts. “I could never see myself in love with anyone for that matter.”

Dorian is startled. “Why are you dating Cullen then?”

Raven sighs what feels like the thousandth time during this conversation. “Because I like him and he likes me and having sex with him is fun. And before you ask if he knows, yes, obviously, I’m not an idiot.”

The fire is crackling between them, the flames covering his face occasionally.

“Isn’t it quite shallow to date someone for sex if you don’t even love them?”

Raven snaps. They’re almost intimidated by their own voice. “Look, just because you never allowed yourself to get close to your sexual partners in Tevinter  that doesn’t mean I don’t care about any of mine. Even if it doesn’t fit your definition of love.”

Dorian recoils and shrinks.

Raven almost regrets saying it that harshly, but they’d been around enough people who never got it, and they want to make Dorian understand. “Probably shouldn’t have said that. I know that your situation was horrible. But mine wasn’t good either.”

Dorian breathes quietly. “Yeah…”

“I’m going to sleep. Giving you some time to process what I said,” they do their best to soften their voice, ignoring their frustration, and putting a more joking tone to it, something more often heard in their usual conversation. They’re not mad, at least for too long, it just hurts more coming from someone they thought at least tries to understand them.

Raven gets up and opens the tent, only to realize that they’d agreed to share it with Dorian. At the time it seemed like a good idea, compared to the risk of getting crushed by the Bull during the night. Great, this will be a very normal, not at all awkward night. 

They wake up the next day from grunting outside of the tent, probably Bull doing his exercises again. They sit up and Dorian is still sleeping next to them, so they shake him lightly. They have to continue their mission soon after all.

“Morning,” they say when he opens his eyes. He looks like he didn’t get much sleep last night. “Did Bull not take over your night watch? You look half dead.”

Dorian scoffs. “You know that’s one of the most hurtful things you can say to me.”

Raven softly laughs and they almost forget about their heated discussion the evening before.

Dorian clears his throat. “We should probably get ready to move.” Then he shuffles out of the tent.

Nothing happens much during the day. They find sand, some enemies they defeat with ease, more sand, and a rift to close.

In the evening everyone is tired again. It’s too hot and Raven’s legs are heavy. They underestimated how much energy walking through sand takes. They groan and sit down under a rock to shield as much sun as possible to ward off the headache they feel coming on. Dorian, apparently used to this heat, approaches up to them cheerfully.

“I thought about last night.”

“You make it sound like something else happened between us,” Raven laughs but Dorian has a stern expression on his face. They motion to the ground next to them and Dorian sits down, careful to leave some room between them.

“I acted like an ass. I’m sorry.” 

Raven isn’t surprised to hear that he’s feeling sorry, but hearing those words specifically are unexpected. Maybe it’s because they hadn’t fought this much before, so he’s never said it to them directly. Their heart feels a bit lighter just knowing they didn’t judge Dorian completely wrong about this issue.

“Yeah…thanks. It’s fine. I was more disappointed than anything. I thought you of all people would understand.”

There’s visible confusion on his face, but he doesn’t say anything.

“You are now, here, living your life in a way you weren’t able to when you lived with your family at home. I’m doing the same. If I lived my life according to my parents, I’d be married to some woman doing all the husband duties required of me. Here, I can just be myself, at least among my friends.” They give Dorian a smile, and he shuffles closer and opens his mouth to say something back, but he’s interrupted by Raven loudly swearing.

“This fucking sand. It’s coarse and it gets everywhere.” They rub their eye, which starts to water immediately. Dorian sits next to them unable to help and can only wait until they calm down and lean against the chill stone again and turn their head to Dorian.

“I’m sorry for not trying to understand you,” he says.

Raven laughs. “I don’t expect you to understand my feelings on romance. I know for sure I don’t understand yours. Just be…normal about it, ok?”