Chapter Text
It was Armin's first time visiting the graveyard alone. It was a whole new level of 'post-film syndrome', so much so that he had to come sit in front of his deceased ancestors to contemplate life after watching a fictional life squeezed into two hours. Although there wasn't much to question currently. It had been almost a year since he graduated, three months since he came back from the military service and two weeks since he started working full-time at a bank, thanks to his dad's connections. Everything was going accordingly, leaving no need to decide or plan anything for the near future as of now.
A crow started calling for what Armin assumed was a friend, and the suspected friend landed on a branch across the other tree. They kept yelling things at each other from a short distance. After a minute Armin looked up, despite the sun peeking through the branches, to confirm it was still the same conversation between the same crows.
It was probably one of the last somewhat warm days of autumn before winter hit abruptly. He looked at his own full name on the headstone. He never knew his father's father, and only knew his father's mother for a few years as a kid. Things he witnessed with his own eyes, a lady who loved plants and gave him books, mixed with his father's memories, a vaguely cruel woman who didn't care about anyone but herself.
Armin wished it was linear and easy to see how well you could know a person based on your kinship, and it would increase the closer you got on the family tree. But it didn't work like that. Instead, it was a mess where you could sleep next to someone without knowing their most intimate secrets, or understand them only through someone else's memory. At least he was at more peace with not making sense of everything in his head with his own system.
After an hour on the bus when he entered their street he saw his mother and sister a few meters ahead but couldn't bother to call out. They entered the building and after a few minutes so did Armin. No one found it suspicious that he wanted to go for a walk early on a Sunday morning because of last year's antics, but it was still more normal than going to a hair salon to inhale bleach for an hour, in his opinion.
''Wait who are you ladies?'' his dad pretended to be surprised at the two blonde women who had their hair dyed blonde again. Armin stood in the kitchen in front of the coffee machine to debate if it was truly necessary or if the sunshine gave him enough dopamine today. It didn't take long to decide before he got a mug. He heard his dad speaking in the living room. ''Well, I was going to wait but I ate a little bit.''
''No, I told you not to wait,'' his mom replied. ''I'll just fix something up for us. Where's Armin?'' She walked into the kitchen right across. ''There you are.'' He smiled. ''Where did you walk to?''
The coffee finally started dripping a little faster. ''Oh you know, to the park and then some more.'' She leaned against the counter next to him, he was still facing the machine. ''That's good. Clears your head.'' Armin frowned in confusion and looked at her for a second, about to claim how squeaky clean his head already was and had been for a long time now.
''You should try bleach some time, it gives the same effect,'' she added before turning to get a mug from the cupboard and waiting for her turn.
''Your Vivi's gonna do that to me in my sleep one day,'' he deadpanned. The nickname was a loving reference to their mother's name Vivienne because the two women looked alike, and a wry reference to Historia's inability to repeat the word 'baby' back when she was little.
With the mug held on his stomach burning into his skin through the thin long-sleeved shirt, sounds from the living room, and sunlight coming in through the window, Armin lay in bed with wide-open eyes. It was only a little past noon, but he started analyzing the day he lived so far. He could've bought some flowers for the dead. Or some breakfast for the living. He could've given the first coffee to his mom. But somehow he didn't feel evil about it.
Maybe his gut feeling was right when it made him quit antidepressants a month after coming back home. Quitting right before the military was the plan but his family objected, and he didn't really care about any decision made for him then. But now he could see it was for the better. The presence of the substance and its place in his everyday routine made it all clearer at the time. And now its absence perfectly aligned with what felt like the beginning of a new chapter in life. He could see the cliche just fine, he'd had many new chapters before. But since he wasn't dying, he might as well start again. And again. And again. What else was there to do?
''Graduated, came back from military service, and joined the workforce, the next step is marriage, right?''
''What?'' his mom exclaimed with a half-full mouth at the dinner table. ''What's the hurry?''
''Well, I'm not saying tomorrow,'' his dad pulled back momentarily. ''But hopefully soon in time. Although it's hard enough to find a decent God-fearing girl these days.''
''I think God gave up on us years ago,'' he replied to his dad without looking as he cut into his meat. Then quickly he felt the eyes and looked back. ''I meant like, we don't really do anything, worship-wise. So I think He just let us be, you know.''
The clinks of utensils came back. ''Everyone's belief is their business,'' his dad sealed the deal with a non-negotiable statement. Armin was about to clarify he meant God giving up on this family specifically and not humanity as a whole, but decided it would make things worse. Giving up on someone wasn't necessarily offensive in his eyes. Should he have been taking offense?
''Don't you dare leave me alone in here,'' Historia joined the conversation very quietly next to him.
It was a different Sunday, as they were going to be from now on. An earned break, a gap in between cramped up days and weeks.
The next day he decided to take Connie's advice, the guy on the desk across the office, and think of work as a video game where you had to bullshit your way out of the tunnel. He told Armin with gleaming eyes that ever since he was a little boy he dreamt of selling people things they don't need or want. When Armin's reaction delayed for a second, he shook him by the shoulder and said it was all an act. I can do that too, Armin thought.
For lunch he went down to the cafeteria with Pieck, this gorgeous girl with jet black hair and eyes and porcelain skin who always looked sleepy, and by association her friend Annie. Pieck was the unfortunate soul who was assigned to teach him how everything works on a basic level, but thankfully she didn't seem to mind at all.
The two women took him in like a refugee in the cafeteria which was pretty much how all of his friendships started. Pieck was clearly a warm friendly soul by nature, and Armin had to make more effort to appear as such because he was the new one, whereas Annie got to just exist among them.
It wasn't all silence from her though, she would speak to make sarcastic comments or chime in to add information to whatever subject they were talking about. Clearly, she had at least moderate knowledge of a wide variety of things. And Armin loved that. It instantly made her more attractive in his eyes before he even paid detailed attention to her appearance.
As a short guy, the first thing he had to pay attention to in women was height, and thankfully Annie was close to dwarfism. One of her ears was all pierced from cartilage down to the lobe and she always wore a silver ring on her left index finger. Her nails were long and painted black last week but now they were cut and naked. Actually, they looked a little rough and bitten off.
Depending on the day she had coal black makeup that made her ice blue eyes all the more striking, or just left them naked with her natural brown lashes. Her hair was usually in a bun with two front strands free or straight down her shoulders.
They weren't in the same department so he cherished every moment he could get a glimpse of her outside their little lunch dates. He liked to think he'd made well enough an impression to be genuinely included in lunch now rather than being invited out of pity. They had really enjoyable conversations with Pieck and she definitely knew her boundaries and the supposed etiquette of making friends at the workplace.
Annie was also great to listen to whenever she opened her mouth, and great to look at at all times. Her color palette was pretty beachy with blonde hair, clear blue eyes, and some pink blush to her fair skin. But one permanent thing about her was the scent. She wore an ambery oriental perfume that Armin had to Google in order to identify. And that's how he found out what kind of smell he liked on a woman.
The only memories he could recall where someone's scent left an impact on him were the one random woman who passed him by years ago who smelled unmistakably and strongly like lemonade, and Historia once spraying exactly nineteen puffs of her perfume right at the door before they got out, leaving him in shock with no air to breathe.
''I can't wait for my next coffee,'' said Annie with such a dry voice her words spilled like sand from her mouth. Or maybe Armin was longing for the sea terribly. He had only got one day of it this year. His tan would tell you otherwise.
''I can't wait for the shift to end,'' Pieck added. ''It seems so nice outside.''
They parted ways with Annie and went back to their office where Armin wondered what everyone else was doing. He was listing the number of items in the office by color in Excel. And he couldn't even fully focus on that. After a tiring session of dillydallying, he got excited with a few people standing up at the same time. But in vain.
For a moment he considered starting smoking to socialize better. Then he did a pros and cons list for that. He wondered if Annie smoked. She looked like she was either an avid smoker or absolutely repulsed by it and everyone doing it.
Pieck got up to get another tea with slow steps. It made Armin smile for some reason. She really reminded him of a cartoon character, one who was always drowsy, chill, and loved herbal tea, someone who Armin wasn't embarrassed to ask the same question for the third time. So Annie was a coffee person...
People started coming back in which made Armin internally close the Annie tab in his mind. And he was back to the tiring white page on the computer screen. Then the genius idea of ranking types of coffees by the percentage of Annie preferring them popped up in the same brilliant mind. The clue of the day.
Halfway through he felt like a creep and made an herbal tea version for Pieck too, only to not have a single idea about what to put in it. Having a crush made sense for the present, he thought. Another natural source of happy hormones, a new excitement. Not as stable and easily accessible as sunlight, coffee or food, but oh well. It was definitely stronger if he played it right. And definitely more sustainable than exercising for him.
Negative or positive, once that excitement mixed with his blood he couldn't stop in his place and walked to the furthest bus stop where the pedestrian path ended. Ever since he got over his ex, that big chunk of space in need of a novelty rush mixed with familiarity was either halfway filled with other little things or left empty. Its absence didn't make him sad, but down in certain ways. Because it pushed him to have something or someone that kept him on his toes, didn't allow him to get too comfortable but also eased him with some good-intended stipulations.
It was very weird and creepy to daydream about a stranger enabling his softcore self-torture. It wasn't about anybody but him. A relationship, maybe, because it was reciprocal. But a crush, no. He doubted Annie would be interested in him anyway and he wasn't even sure if he was interested in her. At least for the right reasons. It would be just a crush. Sweet, quiet, safe, one-sided, challenging.
''I might have to move out soon, and by extension, probably you.'' Annie looked up from her cereal with wide eyes as Ymir continued. ''I might get married next year.'' Annie's eyelids fell right back into their place. Yeah, that was not happening.
''Hmm,'' she simply dismissed it with a full mouth and went back to her sad excuse of a breakfast.
''I'm for real,'' Ymir insisted.
''Mkay. We'll talk about this next month. Or three and a half months later.''
Ymir took a sausage from her plate by hand and dropped it in Annie's cereal. ''This is serious! Well, it will be anyway. Why do you think I never talk about her? To not jinx it!''
''You think I got the evil eye?'' Annie asked, clearly offended as well as bemused.
''I mean,'' Ymir snickered. ''You aren't the happiest person I know, or the most in love.''
That stung a little. She physically got over the stinging hurt very quickly in order to react by pouring her cereal onto Ymir's plate of eggs and sausages. Because apparently, this flat was a failed daycare in disguise. But the internal burn took a minute to heal. ''I don't give a fuck about your new monthly soulmate. That's the last thing I'll ever be jealous of about someone.''
''You can be jealous of the bank I'm making without slaving a 9 to 5, you choose baby.'' Ymir dabbed a sausage into the milk and grimaced while chewing on it.
What upset Annie was that it wasn't wrong at all. It had been a year or probably more since her last relationship. Was it voluntary? Yes and no. She wanted someone just for her, not even royalty-wise, just the way they are. But she had absolutely no tolerance for tolerance anymore. Having to ignore or accept things she wasn't really okay with, or someone doing the same for her instead of loving every single disgusting thing about her like she did...
And she did, despite everything, love herself to death. Why else would she try for a better life? For who else? Loving was much harder than being loved, yet she still had belief in her capability despite all the failed attempts. It was a matter of luck, to find someone just for you. And once she did, there was no doubt she would be just for them too. Also in other aspects, Ymir was generally a lucky person. But jealousy over the fortune of a friend wasn't like Annie. Of course, Ymir was well aware, and of course, she was just joking like they always did.
Thinking about your exes while your head was bouncing on the bus window wasn't the best way to start your day. And who was to blame for that? Ymir. Annie scolded her a lot for getting attached so fast and fiercely. For losing herself in someone else. It was dumb and disrespectful to one's self. It was also something she couldn't do even when she tried. Whatever she couldn't get, she wanted, of course.
After a few calls with multiple new clients where she maintained a low dosage of the customer service voice so she could save it for the rest of the day, she went out for a smoke. There were two other people near talking, so she couldn't squat down to truly embody the misery and exhaustion.
It wasn't even noon yet. Pieck had stopped coming to talk while Annie smoked ever since that new guy became her tail.
Blond with sunkissed skin, calm but sunny energy, and opinionated, he was Pieck's type for sure. Maybe he could help her get over that hopeless decade-long crush. Yeah, that would be good for her, she thought and nodded to herself.
Then almost spat the smoke out while giggling at herself, judging everybody's love life while hers was...well...dry. Obviously, everyone should take her advice and be the reason for their own heartbreak instead of letting someone else do the job. It was like hiring someone only to do the job yourself anyway with your own expectations; a waste of money, time, resources, energy, love... Which paved the way for a long chain of thought about how her whole life was a waste.
Finally after two coffees and cigarettes, lunchtime arrived. Pieck came with her new fluffy tail just as expected. Since Annie couldn't openly discuss his new potential place in their lives with Pieck, she decided to observe him in this new light to determine if he was worthy of the position.
Greetings, they sat across Annie at the table, mentions of being bored and tired, a bite or two in. ''So, what's your most controversial opinion, Armin? Throw it all.'' There was too much caffeine and spite in her system that made her restless, she simply couldn't wait for this guy to reveal the entirety of his true character through months and months of short lunch talks.
Pieck gave her a funny look of confusion mixed with amusement. Annie might have a hard time making friends but once she got them, she wanted to be every role she could be for them, which included whatever this was. Armin exchanged a look with Pieck and also chuckled. Annie felt proud seeing she was already doing a good job right away.
''Uhh, I mean, about what?'' he asked.
''Whatever you want,'' she replied readily as if it was their last day. ''Think of it like defending yourself at the court if you want. Have you ever fantasized about that?''
Armin used the seconds he chewed to think before answering. ''I haven't, but it's a good idea for showers, I'll try that. And my opinion of choice for today is that I think euthanasia should be legal and much more accessible.''
It wasn't exactly something you high-fived at, but she still looked at Pieck and hoped she would see the internal wink Annie was giving her. A suicidal cutie, come and get it while it's hot and breathing. She always liked them a little moody anyway.
''Too depressing?'' he asked.
''Oh no,'' she replied. ''You have to try a lot harder for that.''
''Okay, good.''
Pieck kept picking at her rice quietly. It was appalling, yes, but she had to join the interrogation at some point. ''You look like a princess,'' Annie complimented her friend a bit uncharacteristically. The clueless woman looked at her, a little surprised and skeptical. ''What? You do,'' Annie added more quietly. ''Like Sleeping Beauty or the one that woke up with a little pea or whatever.'' She looked to see if the guy checked Pieck out after that but he didn't. He just glanced at them both with a blank face before taking a bite. Maybe he was a coward, or tasteless. Everyone had a flaw.
After a minute of wordlessly chewing it dawned upon Annie that she might have been the one to kill the conversation by creating it in the first place and making it awkward. But it couldn't possibly be that she embarrassed her friend in front of her crush, right? She couldn't have done that. Thankfully, he wasn't a twit who would let that happen, as it seemed. ''We should play Cards Against Humanity.''
''Yes,'' she agreed and came close to admitting she wasn't cut out for whatever this role in friendship was. What was the point? Pieck didn't even have to try if she wanted this guy. Perfect girls like her should just sit down and pick whoever is the best fit among the group of men who throw themselves at her feet. By that system, Annie was a servant doing the selection task for Her Majesty.
Pieck huffed and started to rub her wrists and shoulders carefully. ''Sorry I'm so down today. Just tired. I'll be fine after eating but it's like...gross.'' She picked up a frozen sticky chunk of white rice and grimaced.
''Just think of it as fuel,'' Armin suggested. ''You can't run on green tea all day, your heart will explode.''
''Yeah,'' Annie backed him up to encourage her friend.
''Pretend that it's prison food,'' Armin said while looking at Annie. She frowned.
''How would that help?''
He shrugged. ''Going by the concept you gave me. Anything can be fun with a theme, right?''
Annie took a bite of her plastic chicken while keeping her squinted gaze on him. So he liked concepts, huh... Whatever that meant... After speeding up the fueling process both to push Pieck and to have more time on her break, she gathered her phone and bag as they all got up.
''Do you smoke, Armin?'' Annie asked.
''Uh, no,'' he said and continued after a moment. ''But I can join you if you want?''
Annie raised an eyebrow. ''I don't exactly wish to promote an addiction, no.''
He chuckled. ''No, I won't smoke, just accompany.''
Annie didn't think it'd be pleasant for him with the smell and all, but whatever. It would be rude to tell him she wasn't interested unless Pieck was also there. ''Okay. Let's go.''
''You guys go, I have a little something to take care of,'' Pieck said.
Annie looked at her with wide eyes. ''What? Come on...'' Or did she want her to interrogate further solo?
''No, really, you can go. I'm a little cold anyway.'' She gave a kind squinted smile and left them. Before she turned around Annie thought she saw her soft smile curling up to a smirk but maybe she was hallucinating on the high of socialising. Determined to make her friend proud, she followed Armin outside the door. They didn't want to go outdoors and just stood on the narrow balcony of their floor instead.
"So, how do you like the office?'' she asked just to spark a conversation.
"I like it just fine. To be honest I wasn't completely sure about what to expect. I don't get that many clients and I guess I should be the one taking the initiative to catch more work... I'm just getting used to the whole thing."
"Is this your first job?"
"Well, first real full-time job let's say."
Annie nodded. He did look young but he couldn't be too young for Pieck, she would've caught up on that before Annie. "You'll get used to it." She blew out the smoke and watched it slowly being dragged away.
"What do you do after work?"
Annie's brows slightly knitted together in thought. Was he trying to learn what people here did after work as if it was a part of the whole process? Why would that make an average experience though, everyone lived their own lives even after working in the same place. "I don't know," she shrugged. "Depends."
"On what?"
She took a drag and blew before looking at him, leaning on his arms at the railing with seemingly no interest in his eyes. "You think I do the same thing at the same time every day? Depends on the day."
Armin blinked his puppy eyes in artificial surprise. "I didn't mean it like that, sorry."
Annie didn't get what he meant and would give a generous bet that neither did he. But she had appeared as inquisitive enough today, so she didn't ask further.
After finishing her cigarette she gestured for him to walk back together, and both took their places in the building in side to side rooms. She was definitely done with matchmaking. This was the first and last time. Ymir found it hilarious when the date she set up for Annie turned out to be a disaster where the girl cried about her ex and later complained about the lack of back-patting on Annie's part. So maybe these things were bound to be sticky when a third person was involved. Pieck didn't ask for this after all, at least Annie doubted she'd be mad at her for it. Everything should happen naturally, she decided.
After the hours finally came to an end, Annie caught Pieck alone and walked her to the stop. The amiable woman took her arm as they walked, reminding her of their walks in the yard of their high school. They didn't need much warming up through small talk which Annie appreciated endlessly. "I was meaning to ask, what's up with you and that guy?"
"Hm? Armin? I was just helping him adapt and we became friends I guess. He's kind of cute, witty. Not my type though."
"Cute and witty is not your type?"
Pieck smiled. "I mean... I don't know, I guess physically he isn't."
"What?" Annie snapped, surprising both of them. "He looks delicious,'' she contiuned more quietly. ''And he actually seems interested." The last part was definitely a bit uncalled for as she realized too late.
Pieck raised her eyebrows and scoffed. "O-kay. I was already going to tell you to take him but jeez..."
"Me?" Annie was taken aback, she never looked at him in that way up until this second. She didn't think she had a physical type, and as for the character... She would have to know a hell lot more about him to even consider developing feelings. But why was she considering it right now? Did this matchmaking shit worked when done well? But Pieck barely even said anything...
"He seems interested in you," Pieck fixed Annie's previous statement. "Also, he seems naive enough to fuck a coworker, so a win for you."
She made a sound half scoff half gasp. "You say it like I'm a predator... I've never even fucked a coworker before. How old is he anyway?"
"Twenty two or three. Not my cup of tea, like I said. Not everyone can be a maneater."
"You could be, you just don't want to,'' Annie said through her teeth with a slightly low pitch.
"Hmm and how many relationships you've had again?"
"Three and a half," she muttered in defeat.
''And who's the one flipping out when they see an odd number?''
''Whatever, go sit over there with the grannies,'' Annie half pointed at the stop bench when they arrived.
"Exactly. So go bow to your destiny and bag the cutie," Pieck waved a finger before running for the last empty seat. She was way nicer than Annie deserved. Had it been the other way around she would tell Pieck to fix her own love life first before doing charity.
The wise words of her sardonic friend stuck until she got home. Thankfully she didn't walk into a love scene but rather an empty nest tonight. She put on some music and started making dinner.
Their ground floor flat at this nice apartment that was close to work, and she had another human's presence to prevent going fully insane while still maintaining privacy... She actually loved their home. When Ymir really moved out –because undoubtedly she was going to be the first to get married–, Annie would also have to move out to a cheaper place she could afford all by herself. She didn't even dream of anything big material-wise, keeping this place would be the ideal even.
It wasn't super big, they just fit right in. The neighbors she could count the interactions she'd had with by a hand were okay too. The cats in the neighborhood, walkable streets, their kitchen, her bedroom, the family drama from upstairs that she was way too invested in... The thought of moving and starting all over again by herself left a lingering disturbance. She had to start saving money more seriously.
Not that she was financially irresponsible. If it wasn't for the debt from her university loans, the whole scam of their previous apartment and moving expenses, and overall the collapsing economy, she would've had a fortune saved up.
Returning to her family home was unthinkable at this stage, after years of living apart and having found her own structure of living in independence. Almost as unthinkable as getting married solely for the sake of comfort and stability.
It still wasn't completely dark outside, but it was halfway there. Annie didn't want to let the empty state of the apartment go to waste because she needed her alone time in her own home. But she wanted to get out for a minute to get some fresh air now that she was full and rested and therefore able to enjoy it. So she wrapped a few pieces of meat from dinner in a piece of tissue to bring it to the cats outside the door.
The tuxedo and the light yellow ones ran from afar, then slowed like a bride walking down the aisle after getting close enough. These little shits got her in quite a bit of trouble when they first moved in. Notes and calls complaining about Annie feeding the cats... She appreciated that they didn't confront her face to face but still, that wasn't going to fly on the long run.
It was solved only after Ymir filed a fake complaint about rats in the building and then they had to put together a fake crime scene to prove cats were good for getting rid of the rats in the yard. It was silly but necessary. She never would've bothered with that if it wasn't for Ymir.
The chunky yellow cat with tiny paws looked her dead in the eye and let out a loud long cry after finishing her meal. She shook the cute little thing by the cheek. ''Your greed sickens me sometimes...'' Annie had a habit of naming animals by the names of other animals. The regular cats in and out of the lawn were Panda, Bear, Milka Cow, Bull, and the only exception, Cat.
Bear, the tabby with the crossed eyes arrived late to the party, Annie threw the last piece she was saving far enough so the others wouldn't run after it as well. It could be demanding to be a single mother of five, but what else did she have to do?
After that, she went back inside and lay on the couch with a music channel open on TV. She had proved her existence to the world generously today. Now she could just be. To her surprise, 'just being' got boring after a while. And she found herself wishing Ymir would come home and tell her about the day she had, then ask about Annie's and get the most vague answer.
Texting Friend Number Three might be out of nowhere as it wasn't a talking everyday type of friendship. And Pieck was the last person who would want to hear from her at the moment, she assumed.
Each time she took shelter in someone else's company or her own solitude, she was met with the same disappointment, only shorter. Was everybody like this behind screens and doors? It seemed that she was the only one who couldn't be satisfied with anything.
Annie kept mindlessly looking at the music videos on TV until there came one explicit enough to suck her mind in. She gave all her attention to the women on the screen and after a while managed to shut her brain off to become merely a body.