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Feelings were hard.
Feelings were complicated.
Throughout his life, Est feels like he’s always been simultaneously very much in touch with his feelings, while also being in a long distance relationship with them.
He was a sensitive person. He allowed himself to feel everything he had to feel. He accepted and rationalized his feelings all the time. But sometimes it was like his feelings came to him in morse code and he had no clue how to decode it at all.
He particularly struggled with love.
He could love.
In fact, he loved oh so easily. He loved all the people in his life so much. He really did.
Romantic love, however?
That was a bit of a different story…
He always struggled with decoding all the feelings that come with romantic love.
Don’t get him wrong. Yeah, he’s been in relationships. And sure, he had loved them all… in a way… Clearly, he loved them all a little more than he loved his friends, otherwise he wouldn’t have dated them. But was it even love love? He had been single for ages now. In his last relationship he was still a teenager, for Christ’s sake. That was no love… More like infatuation, if anything.
So, no. Est can’t really say he’s ever been in love.
He doesn’t know what it feels like.
So how is he supposed to know if what he’s feeling right now… What he’s feeling for William, that is… is love?
Everyone around him has always said “You’ll know when you feel it.”
But how?
How can he know how it’s meant to feel, when he’s never felt it before? Is there even a specific way that it’s supposed to feel? Is it different for everyone?
He doesn’t know whether what he feels – has felt for a while now – for William is love or not. All he knows is that he feels things with him that he has never felt with anyone else in his life.
Especially jealousy.
Jealousy has been a new one for him lately. He’s never really been the type of guy to feel jealous. He’s always thought of jealousy as icky. Why should he be jealous of anyone for anything?
Yet here he was – here they were, him and William, plus a bunch of their friends – at a Songkran festival having a good time. He was happy to be with William. He knew he wouldn’t stay the whole night like Est would, so he wanted to make the most of their time together.
That was proving a bit difficult, however. It seemed like everyone wanted to talk to William today. William, a hyper puppy as always, indulged everyone who came to them, dividing his attention as equally as he could among everyone.
And Est saw a problem in that.
He didn’t want to see a problem in it. But he did. Because by dividing his attention, that meant all of William’s attention wasn’t on him.
Oh.
Possessiveness.
That was another new one.
As jealous as he felt about William’s attention not being solely dedicated to him, Est was… okay with sharing it with their friends. They were their friends after all, and Est really was trying his best to drown the nasty thoughts about how William should only be looking at, talking to and having fun with him.
But when strangers started approaching William…
Strangers who clearly had more intentions than being just friendly… Est saw red.
In Est’s opinion, William was being too nice in the way he rejected all the people who asked for his number throughout the night. So he had to take matters into his own hands.
He started out by just standing even closer to William than he already was.
That didn’t seem to do much.
Okay, second try then.
An arm around William’s neck.
William looked at him with a big smile and moved to throw an arm of his own around Est’s shoulders.
Not very successful either…
Alright then.
An arm around the waist.
William squirmed a bit at first, clearly taken aback when he felt the arm snaking around him. He looked at Est like a reindeer in headlights and Est just smiled in response. William eased and smiled back at him.
But why was Est so intent on making sure no one approached William?
He shouldn’t care. William doesn’t owe him anything.
They begin dancing together, holding each other. William starts singing along to the song that’s playing while swinging Est’s arms around, making him laugh.
Now, it felt as though it was just the two of them. Est didn’t even perceive anyone around. To him, there was only him and William. Dancing, singing and splashing water around together.
It felt right.
William’s attention was finally on him.
Only on him.
Strangers stopped approaching William as well. They were both oblivious to the way anyone who started walking towards the younger would immediately turn back once they saw the two boys with arms wrapped around one another. Everyone who saw them assumed they were together and so they would immediately abort their mission to get a phone number.
A mellower song started playing and everyone’s rhythm slowed down for a bit.
Est, who had been stuck with his head in the clouds for the past 30 minutes dancing and having fun with William, basking in his attention, was brought back down to earth.
The guilt commenced once more.
What was up with all these nasty feelings? This jealousy? This possessiveness?
This wasn’t him. He shouldn’t care.
He shouldn’t feel jealous of William giving attention to Est’s own friends. They were his friends for crying out loud.
He also shouldn’t be trying to stop people from approaching William. William is an adult and it’s up to him to indulge or deny someone. Est doesn’t have any say in it, so why was he trying so hard to stop people from getting close to him?
Est felt like he was being unfair to everyone, especially towards William.
And he didn’t want to be. He really didn’t.
But he couldn’t help it.
What was so different about William that made him like this?
Was it…
No… It couldn’t…
But he didn’t know…
What if it was?
Was it love?
Is this what it is?
Est loved William, of course. He loved William like he loved his friends and family…
Or… at least he thought he did…
Sure when they were filming ThamePo he definitely felt things with William that he never felt with a friend but, well, they were in character, playing romantic scenes. It’s bound to feel… different.
Est also has probably grown attached to William faster than he ever has with anyone… and maybe he’s even put more effort into their… friendship… than any other but… William was younger than him. Maybe Est felt a sense of responsibility towards him, like he should care for him like he was someone who needed to be protected from everything around him.
William looked at Est with bright eyes and a light smile on his face. Before he knew it, William was bringing him in for a hug.
William’s hugs always felt great.
The real hugs.
Not the ones where it feels like he’s trying to take Est out by choking him or pulling out a limb.
Anyway.
Est was enveloped in warmth, “I’m so happy,” William said in his ear. Est could tell the smile was still on his face as he spoke.
Est wrapped his arms back around William.
This was it.
This had to be it.
Was it?
Was it love?
Something warm pressed against Est’s cheek.
William kissed him…
Est pulled back in shock.
“Oh, sorry, you didn’t- you probably didn’t want me to do that, I’m sorry,” William giggled, trying to hide his panic, his fear of having just done something that could potentially affect his and Est’s relationship.
Est takes some time to react, his brain still trying to catch up to the fact that William just kissed him, and it felt euphoric. It felt like a whole zoo had suddenly taken over Est’s stomach and they too were celebrating Songkran in there.
Est snapped back to reality and saw the worried look on William’s face.
“Phi… are you mad?… I’m really sorry, I really shouldn't hav- ”
Est did it. He had to do it. He kissed William. It was the only thing his brain was telling him to do, so it must’ve been the right thing to do. Never mind the fact that they were in public. Everyone was too busy having fun and throwing water everywhere anyway. No one was paying attention to them.
William didn’t kiss back, at first. Now he was the one who was taken aback. But soon enough he let himself go. He wanted it too. Had been waiting for it for ages.
William pulls Est closer to him by his waist while the older turns their heads further to deepen the kiss. They’ve been exposed to loud music for hours now, but in that moment, it felt like silence took over. No one was there other than them.
Est breaks the kiss but doesn’t put any distance between them.
“I think I love you…” he says against William’s lips.
“You… do? But every time I told you I had a crush on you… you always dismissed me…”
“Wait. You were being serious? I thought it was a joke. I thought you were doing it for the fans to go crazy…”
“Why would I say it to you in private though? The fans can’t go crazy if they don’t know about it…”
“I- I thought… I don’t know…”
“Phi…” William looked up at the night sky and laughed, “you really are oblivious when people like you aren’t you?”
Est pouts, despite knowing that William is right, “Shut up…”, he says through gritted teeth.
William gives him a cheeky smirk, “You can shut me up, if you want. You were really good at it just now.”
Est rolls his eyes. But, in the end, gives William what he wants. After all, Est does also want it, so why hold back?
Est doesn’t know what love feels like.
He doesn’t know if it’s meant to feel a certain way.
But everyone has always told him “You’ll know when you feel it.”
So even if there is a specific way that love is meant to feel, Est isn’t interested in it.
Because he might have very well found his own way to experience love for the first time.