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I saw you on a drive across the road, trying to remove every trace of memory when I was with you. Slowing down, I watch as you have your arms around a new girl, laughing and looking at her like she was the most precious thing in your life.
How I wished it would still be me, but I would blame myself for it all. Months have passed since we broke up, and I can’t help but miss you and the moments we’ve had together.
The positive ones at least.
I was always the one looking at the negative side of life. Shutting my doors, myself, my life from you when I know I should have opened it wider.
From the moment I said yes to being your girlfriend I should have already learned to love myself more. Looking at the mirror in front of me I stared at the figure looking back.
Always lamenting about how I looked, far from gorgeous, too little for average from the girl you’d usually like. Yet you’d hold me in your arms, and assured me I was the most beautiful girl you knew.
“I love you, Yuji.”
When it was the most stressful time of the year, my finals. I know I had to prepare. It was my only chance. Told you it was important, I couldn’t afford to waste anymore time on anything else. You paused to look at me and smiled, telling me to focus, you’ll always be there anyway.
Afterwards, I came back to you, smiling after I passed but you just looked sullen when I stopped and asked you what’s wrong.
“Gramps died.”
What?
“On the day of your finals.”
I dropped my bag to look at you, you were holding it in. Until you finally spilled.
“He was sick and died in his sleep, there was no one but me by his side.”
Tears were forming in my eyes.
“I’ve got no one from my family left with me.”
I ran to hug you as you cried. I was wrong. I should have been there for you the most. I knew he was sick.
“I’m sorry, Yuji.”
Months later, there were times when our relationship wasn’t as good as we started. I was constantly busy, chasing a future for you and me. And I didn’t want to be disturbed. We missed a lot of monthsaries and dates, leading up to us arguing most of the time.
A few days after another one of our arguments, we didn’t speak to each other. It didn’t feel right to. Suddenly, you knocked on my door, asking if I could talk.
“I’m busy.” I coldly replied to you.
And yet, you asked once more for just a moment of my time. I didn’t have the energy to retort or get angry as usual, I just sighed and went to open the door. There you were standing in front with the kindest eyes, apologizing, saying sorry for every mistake.
When there was none.
It should have been me, yet my mouth didn’t utter a single apology and just stared, ashamed. Only then when you were done, did I just say
“It’s alright.”
And still, you smiled and hugged me tightly like you were the happiest man alive. After you brought me down, you held my hand and pulled me outside, going up the stairs of our little apartment.
I kept yelling for you to wait as I had to go back to what I was originally working on, but you didn’t listen and just kept going. You brought me outside only to cover my eyes, as you slowly guided me towards our destination.
When you removed my hands did I see what you were trying to show me. A cute little tent setup and the beautiful night sky from above. I stared in awe with this new present you gave to me.
As I slowly looked away to face you, did I already see you looking back. Walking towards me slowly, cupping my face and leaning on my lips, we had that moment to ourselves. When we pulled back you muttered
“I love you, always.”
A smile crept on my face as I hugged you and said
“You’re the best, Yuji.”
How I wished those moments lasted forever, but fate always had other plans for us. Time had passed and so were we.
Our relationship after that day felt like it was more and more distancing than it should. Sometimes we’d have nonstop arguments that lasted weeks.
And the worse part of it all, was we always went back as if it was normal. Maybe not we, but me.
I always went back like it was normal, you tried your best to talk to me about it yet I always shut you down, saying “I’m busy.” or “Let’s talk about it later.” Yet it never came.
Slowly, our relationship became….exhausting. To the point I felt like every argument wasn’t even worth fighting for anymore. And it did, we did hit a breaking point, when I forgot about your grandpa’s death anniversary.
Another argument erupted. Screams and shouts across the apartment we shared. This time it was more intense than usual. It was you getting angrier now, it was you shouting more now and it was your tired eyes showing how much you’re hurt.
Because of me.
When you stopped shouting, a moment of silence happened before you just held your hair tightly and said
“I can’t do this…I love you but I can’t…”
What?
“What are you even saying…”
“You’ve been too busy…too hard on me…it hurts so much you don’t even realize it.”
Stop it.
“To me, it wouldn’t have mattered if you just talked but you shut out everything, our problems, our arguments, and even me.”
Only then did it hit me how cruel I’ve been to you. I needed to make amends, even when I’m too much sometimes, I need to say sorry. Tell him how much I love him.
“I- I’m sorry, okay? If I’ve been too much lately, I’ll do better I promise! Just talk okay? I’m here to listen-”
I said in frantic until I saw tears running down your eyes.
“Let’s break up, please.”
I stopped.
It was my fault, and I knew all along it was.
And unlike any other argument before, I couldn’t retort anymore. Because I was in the wrong in our whole relationship, and that hurt the most.
I couldn’t handle it, I ran to my room with you shouting my name over and over, tears in my eyes.
Just how bad did I have to be, for us to get to this point? Why was I too consumed with myself when it should have been for both of us? Sitting down as I sobbed and cried.
“You’re the worst, Yuji…”
No.
You’re the worst self.
Looking back, I realized I should have been better, learned to love you better. And yet here I was looking at the versions of ourselves I wished we had when we were together.
Slowly turning my face to the road, driving away from the sight that aches the most. It didn’t occur to me how I was hurting because of it until surely, tears ran down my eyes.
I sobbed as I drove and drove, not knowing where I was going. Letting myself regret and relive the memories we had together. I turned on the radio to tune out the sounds outside, only to hear a familiar melody playing.
I smiled as I slowly listened deeply
I love you, I’m sorry.
The way life goes..