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”Oh my god you should’ve seen Potter today, Panda.” Lily laughs, throwing herself onto Pandora’s messily made bed. The sunlight creeps its way into the room through the blinders.
Pandora quickly joins Lily, sending a stuffed animal into the air as she lands, their legs brushing against each other. They face each other, both lying against the big pillow.
”Did he sing again?” Pandora sighs. Lily talks about James a lot lately. She loves talking to Lily, but sometimes it’s a bit to much about a certain messy haired boy. Lily scoffs and raises her eyebrow towards the blonde girl.
”Oh thank god no, but the flowers he gave me did.” Lily almost giggles, her face gaining a scarlet tint.
In moments like this Pandora can’t help but to look at Lily, because she’s just so nice to look at.
At first, she’d thought it was just friendly admiration. She just wanted Lily’s shiny hair and clear skin. Her curves and her sense of style. Her wittiness and easy going about life. Nothing more.
Until that one time Pandora forgot to knock and walked in on Lily changing clothes.
From that moment Pandora knew it wasn't just friendly adoration.
It wasn’t just Lily’s body and wittiness she wanted, she wanted Lily as a whole. The girl who always knew the solution to every problem, the girl who studied so hard she fell asleep in her books, tea still warm. The girl who always knew how to make Pandora laugh after a rough day, and the girl who respects and accepts anyone. The girl who stands up for her friends and what she is worth. That girl is Lily Evans, and Pandora loves her.
“Didn’t know Potter even knew how to get flowers to sing”. Pandora answers as she reaches out to brush away an astray hair from Lily’s face, knuckles lingering a moment longer than necessary against Lily’s freckled cheek.
She knows that Potter is pretty bright, but the words just left her mouth anyway. She doesn’t know why.
“James is actually a kinda smart person, Panda” Lily blurts out, regret quickly showing on her face.
Pandora can feel her heart aching, taking the words like a stab to the gut. Lily has never given James a compliment before.
Well, maybe it wasn’t exactly a compliment, but it was close enough to make Pandora’s intestines wrangle up inside of her.
And she called him James. Not Potter, not ridiculous, not a funny nickname, but James.
And oh so cruel it is to be this selfish. To be jealous instead of happy for her best friend. It wasn’t like she didn’t know that Lily wasn’t like her, all disgusting and queer.
Pandora has to push back tears as she looks up at her best friend who genuinely looks so happy.
“No way, you just gave James a compliment, Lils!” She tries so hard to sound excited, she really does. Her voice comes out more high pitched than she wished, her nose scrunching at the squeaky tone.
Lily starts to avoid Pandora’s suggestion like the plague with a bunch of ”No I did not!” and hits Pandora with a tiger stuffed animal. Pandora giggles, her worries fleeting away at the soft sounds of Lily’s laughing, and grabs a pillow, the battle now in full action.
The girls scream and laugh, act offended when the other gets a great hit (like when Pandora hit Lily in the side so she fell over, making her lay in Pandora’s arms for a moment), and becomes tired. Laying down in silence, they look at each other, smiling widely. Pandora is so close she can see Lily’s tooth gap and the sparks of amber in her green eyes.
Lily licks her lips, biting the inside of her cheek. Pandora has to resist the urge to kiss her.
In moments like this, Pandora can’t help but mourn the relationship she and Lily never will have.
-
Lily is trying the third perfume for the second time when James enters the tiny Hogsmeade shop. Pandora had accidentally broken Lily’s old bottle, so she was going to pay for a new one for Lily.
Not planned. Totally platonic.
”Hey Evans, can I help you?” Potter basically shouts, ignoring the fact that Pandora is literally standing next to him. She tries to give him a dirty look, but she’s not even sure Potter has noticed her presence. At this moment Pandora is invisible.
”Go away Potter” Lily sounds unbothered, spraying a new perfume onto the paper strip. She doesn’t even look at James, and for a second Pandora is relieved.
The shop is so small that it barely fits them all if they wanted to have some kind of personal space. Pandora found this nice at first when it was just her and Lily.
Now she hates it. The feeling of James so close to her makes her skin itch.
Lily continues without acknowledging James and hands Pandora the paper strip. ”Does this smell nice or is it too lady like?”
Pandora reaches out for the strip, intentionally brushing her hand against Lily’s. She can feel the blood rushing to her face, even though she initiated the whole thing. God, she’s so lost.
The perfume smells like lemongrass and newly washed sheets. Before Pandora can tell Lily that it smells great, and not to lady like at all, James rips the strip out of her hand.
”This is amazing Evans, even though you smell amazing naturally” James quips, staring Lily down as he hands her the strip back.
The corners of Lily’s lips turn up a little, clearly struggling to contain a smile, and a blush creeps up her face as she tells James to piss off. There’s an amused undertone to the harsh words.
“I can pay for it if you want it?” James says, pushing Lily gently with his shoulder.
Why is he touching her?
Since when does Lily allow James to touch her?
“I don’t want your money, James.”
“James? Are we on a first-name basis now? No more ‘Piss of Potter!’?” James starts, his smile showing off his white teeth. “This is the best day of my li-”
“Piss off Potter.” Lily says, trying to keep up the unbothered act, but the amused undertone is still ever present. James didn’t seem to react other than acting as if he got shot while laughing. Which is quite the reaction from anyone else, but not for James Potter.
Lily gives him a sharp look that tells him that she is not joking. James grins and exits the shop, winking on his way out.
Pandora wants to strangle him.
”He’s so annoying,” Lily says, as she rolls her eyes, walking up to the cashier.
But Pandora can see the faint blush of Lily’s cheeks and the spark in her eye. Lily doesn’t hate James, not really.
And it hurts, god it really hurts, but Pandora cannot blame her.
James is everything Pandora isn’t. He’s effortlessly funny, always happy. James is outgoing, dancing on tables at parties, glasses lopsided.
He’s quite cocky too, if you ask Pandora. That ego of his is not a small one.
But overall, most people love him. It’s crazy really that the boy always has had his eyes on her best friend. Pandora is pretty sure half of the school has had a crush on the boy at least once, including the boys.
If Pandora wasn’t madly in love with Lily, she would probably be a part of that half.
“I thought I would pay?” Pandora says, fumbling with her bag.
“Oh. It’s fine Panda, it was an accident. I can pay for it myself.”
“Okay.” Pandora tries to not sound as disappointed as she is.
And at this very moment, Lily is so heartbreakingly beautiful. Her red hair is flowing down her back, almost like a forest fire spread by the wind. Since the weather has gotten chillier, Lily is wearing the scaf Pandora knitted for her. It matches her eyes.
The newsboy hat was the cherry on top.
When Lily has paid and kindly thanked the cashier, they exit the shop and stroll to the next shop. Their hands did not touch again.
-
In fourth year Pandora had convinced the headmaster to let her switch dorms. The bullying from the other girls in Ravenclaw had gotten completely out of hand, and Pandora had been “sneaking” into Lily’s dorm every night for almost half a year.
Pandora didn’t get why people bullied her. She knew that she was weird, but isn’t everyone? Lily didn’t think she was weird, or maybe she just didn't bother. Anyways, Lily had always been kind to Pandora.
She was still a Ravenclaw by principles, but she stayed in the Gryffindor rooms.
Now she’s sitting on the stone windowsill, the window slightly ajar behind her, the wind playing with the red curtain. The book she was holding was rather uninteresting, but a great distraction for not looking at Lily while she changed clothes.
Suddenly Lily said something that made Pandora’s peaceful birthday morning less peaceful.
“You invited James?!” Pandora is genuinely concerned. Lily inviting James to Pandora’s birthday party? That’s not fair.
If Pandora had not been laying down already she probably would’ve felt the need to do so.
She’s going to have to watch Lily swoon over him all evening. On her fucking birthday.
And fine, Pandora knew that James and Lily had something going on. The two went on a date last weekend.
To Hogsmeade of all places, because of course, James took Lily to Hogsmeade. The mental image makes Pandora want to throw up.
When Lily told Pandora about it she thought she might have gone mad.
But no, Lily simply said she “might as well give him a chance”. Pandora had cried for half an hour that evening, sounds muffled by her pillow.
Pandora knows her battle is lost, but that does not automatically make her feelings for Lily vanish in a matter of seconds. She’s still miserably in love with Lily Evans.
Watching Lily smile at James, laughing, touching him, feels like being stabbed. In the heart. Repeatedly.
It hurts every time she breathes, every time she thinks. She resists the urge to push James off the Astronomy Tower every single day. How did Pandora end up like this?
She talked about it with Regulus earlier this morning, which just made the already mopping moody boy’s frown even more sad. He had always known that James was out of his reach, but the confirmation of Lily and James still seemed harsh on him.
Pandora has always thought that hope is the last thing to leave the human soul.
Atleast the two of them has mopped together. She wonders if Regulus will show up at the party.
Regulus is really nice, but not really fond of crowds. Or people to be honest. Pandora seems like an exception.
Well, she hopes he’ll be there so they can mop about their unrequited homosexual crushes together. What a way to bond.
”Yeah I figured since he took me to Hogsmeade to meet his friends, he’d like to meet you” Lily is putting on mascara as she explains to Pandora, leaning closer to the mirror, lips slightly parted.
She doesn’t need all that makeup, but Lily has put on eyeliner. It’s making Pandora think very inappropriate things. She wants nothing more than to kiss the chapstick off Lily’s lips. How dares she look that good?
”He’s already met me multiple times, Lils.” Pandora deadpans, showing down the thought of kissing her straight friend.
She’s not enjoying the idea of James ruining her night. It was supposed to be just her, Lily, and a couple of friends. If James is there, he’ll bring his friends. And if James’ friends are there the whole bloody school will be there.
”God, why are you so difficult today? Can’t you just be happy for me?” Lily slams down her hands against the windowsill Pandora is sitting on, making her book drop from her hands. It makes a thump as it crashes against the floor, spine now broken.
Pandora jumps at the sudden loud noise, fumbling to pick up the object. She runs her fingers over the cracked spine. The librarian will kill her.
She looks up to meet Lily’s piercing gaze. The stern look and the slight downturned curl of her lips tells Pandora enough. Lily won’t apologize.
She’s seen that look many times before when Lily’s defending kids in the halls. Only then the look makes Pandora swoon. Now it makes her more uncertain than ever.
”Lily, I’m sorry, okay? I’ll try to socialize with him.” Pandora tries to smile as she flips through the book to find her page. Lily looks at her genuinely sadly and Pandora can not bear the sight.
”Thank you.” Lily says, still sounding a bit angry, or maybe disappointed, but less than before.
Better than nothing.
She already knows that this night is going to be horrible for her. She needs to talk to Regulus.
Pandora closes her book and jumps down from the windowsill, making her way to the door.
She tries to ignore the fact that Lily didn't even ask her where she was going.
-
The air is chilly as Pandora and Regulus walk around the lake. Pandora has to resist the urge to dip her fingers into the freezing water. She left in such a hurry she forgot her mittens, and even though the water is beautiful, it was not worth the pain of cold fingers.
Regulus looks all cozy in his coat and scarf, hands shoved into his pockets.
If Pandora hadn’t known him so well, she would’ve thought that he was quite… scary. Regulus rarely smiled and rarely showed any emotions at all to be completely honest. Once you get to know him, you start to notice that Regulus shows his emotions in other ways. Light touches, rolling his eyes from endearment, sometimes boredom as well, they are very different so Pandora knows which one is which, and sarcastic jokes.
Regulus is complex to say at least, and maybe that’s the reason that Pandora likes him so much. They are both weird, just in different ways. Even though Regulus never says it, Pandora can feel that he quite enjoys her company as well.
“I hate to say it Panda, but maybe you should get over her?” Regulus sighs as he sits down, leaning against a tree. Pandora just shoots him a sharp look, and he rolls his eyes at her.
“I´ll get over her when you get over your crush on James”
“Don´t talk so loudly! He’s right across the lake for god sake!” Regulus whispers angrily, cocking his head towards the brown-haired boy.
James is talking to Sirius, who’s laughing at something a bit too hard for it to be reasonable. Pandora watches as Regulus's eyes grow soft while looking at the boy, a smile tugging at his lips. Pandora can’t help but roll her eyes.
Just then James looks at them for a second and catches Pandora’s eye, waving towards her. Right. They’re supposed to be friends. James shifts his gaze towards Regulus, who quickly looks away, acting like he’s picking at his nails. His black curls hide his face pretty decently, but Pandora can see the rosy color of his cheeks. She bets it’s not only because of the chilly weather.
“You’re pathetic, really”, she whispers into Regulus' ear. This crush of his has gotten out of proportion. “And this talk was supposed to be about me and my problems.”
Regulus clears his throat before quickly apologizing, completely ignoring the boys on the other side of the lake. Or trying his best to.
The two of them talk. They tease each other for their embarrassing crushes. They do not find a solution. They never do.
Pandora waves goodbye to Regulus, the cold air making it’s way into her jacket as she goes up to her dorm, dreading what what the night has coming for her.
-
The party had started small.
Then James, Sirius, Peter, and Remus arrived along with their whole year, and it wasn’t as small anymore. Pandora, once again, wanted to strangle them all.
Lily had suggested they use her prefect privileges and found a room to use. Pandora was very grateful at the moment because if they had had this in their dorms Pandora would panic.
The room was quite big, but it felt so crowded for some reason.
Some people brought presents, some were just looking to get sloshed.
Pandora was just as keen on that thought at the moment. She does not want to think or observe right now.
To be completely honest, Pandora wants to go back to her dorm, burying herself in pillows and blankets and fall asleep.
To sleep away her problems and dream a wonderful dream where Lily loved her back. Or rant to Regulus about how horrible her life was. Maybe both.
After they’ve eaten the birthday cake James reveals the fire whiskey he sneaked in, and in a matter of hours, Lily is drunk as fuck. Pandora manages to get a bit tipsy as well, which she’s thankful for.
After a while the room started to smell of sweat and liquor, and the music was too god damn loud. Pandora didn’t even like this music.
She watches Lily dance with James and Lily’s all over him. Touching him on his arm, whispering in his ear. But not like she touches and whispers to Pandora.
When Lily touches Pandora she does not have that look in her eyes. That look of playfulness and dirtiness. That look of attraction.
That look of love.
Pandora wants to throw up as she watches them. Really, someone might want to give her a bin to puke up her intestines if this goes on any longer.
This was supposed to be her special day and instead she spent it yearning for her dream girl. It feels more like a cruel punishment from god than a birthday present.
She feels dumb for thinking that maybe this year would’ve been the one Lily loved her back. At Least she didn’t waste her birthday wish on that this year.
Who is she kidding, yes she did.
Pandora is close to leaving her own birthday party when Lily approaches her.
”Where you not just dancing with Ja-” Pandora is shut up by Lily’s lips crashing against hers. It’s messy and sloppy, and over as quickly as it happened. Pandora can taste the birthday cake and apple juice on Lily’s lips, and smell the lemongrass perfume.
Without thinking Pandora cups Lily's face to kiss her again. It’s pure instinct. Lily was kissing her. And infront of everyone too.
She wants to kiss her like she’s always wanted to, quick and hot, slow and passionate, god, however, as long as she gets to kiss Lily again.
Pandora is sure they’ve got a crowd, but she doesn’t care. She doesn't bother with the thought of why Lily was kissing her.
No, that could come later Pandora thinks as she leans in.
She’s quickly interrupted when Lily slaps her across her face.
The same Lily who makes her laugh, the girl who is witty and has the strongest sense of justice she knows, the same girl who tells Pandora she’s pretty and that she’ll find someone eventually, that girl slaps her across her face.
Her Lily.
Or well, maybe not anymore.
The slap is not hard enough to leave a mark, but hard enough for it to hurt. Hard enough to make Pandora drop Lily’s face and cradle her own burning cheek.
Hard enough to make her world fall apart.
Honestly, what the fuck is even happening right now? Nothing makes sense to Pandora anymore. One moment Lily is kissing her and the world finally made sense and the next Lily is slapping her and shredding everything that Pandora has ever wanted into thousands of shreds.
The sound of laughter echoes through the crowd, and somehow Pandora can spot Regulus who looks absolutely in shock.
Pandora catches Lily’s eyes. She looks just as surprised as Pandora feels. Pandora can feel her eyes water and spill over, mascara probably running with the salty tears.
Then Lily’s expression changes, and it makes the tears fall even faster down her cheek.
Because Lily looks at her like she’s nothing. Like she’s a particularly ugly painting at a museum, like Pandora is an alien or a disgusting, hollow thing of a human being.
And it’s weird because Lily had kissed her, not the other way around. Why is Pandora the disgusting one? The one who feels like she did something wrong?
The thing is that Pandora doesn’t regret it, not really. That kiss was all Pandora had ever wanted. She guessed that it was too much to ask from the universe to both be kissed by Lily Evans and also be loved by her. She’s happy she got to experience one.
What a fucked up birthday present.
Sobbing, Pandora turns on her heels and heads straight to the door, wiping away her tears. Regulus is quickly after her. She doesn’t bother to take a last look at Lily. She fears that will only make the whole situation even worse.
The last thing she hears is some Ravenclaw girl she used to share dorms with calling her a ”lesbo freak”.
-
Lily and Pandora have not spoken in four months.
Lily demanded that Pandora switched rooms and Pandora did so without complaining. Being in the presence of Lily made her heart ache in a new type of pain. Not love, but hurt.
It made her want to scream and cry, to shake Lily and ask her why? Why did she kiss her? Why did she decide to fuck Pandora up so hard that no one could ever fix her again?
Because the kiss has been everything she thinks about. Lily’s lips against her own. The softness of them, the taste of birthday cake still in Lily’s mouth.
It makes her mad that Lily still has such power over her, but at the same time she doesn’t want to forget. No, the kiss was just as much a blessing as a curse.
That was of course until she realised that she’ll never get to kiss Lily again. Yeah, more a curse than a blessing.
She had packed up their shared blanket, her pots of flowers, and tarot cards into boxes and carried them all by herself to the Slytherin dorms.
Pandora had talked to MacGonagall, asking if they could make an exception and let her share with Regulus. She may or may not have cried and begged to convince her. She had told the professor what had happened at the party, and after that, McGonagall allowed a boy and a girl to share dormitories.
One of the few perks of being a homosexual.
Lily and James became official only a week after the party. People talked about it in the corridors, and about the kiss as well. The news of the couple overshadowed it quickly, which spares Pandora some shame.
Sometimes people still scream at her in the corridors, or whisper when she walks past. Less so when she’s accompanied by Regulus. For that, she is grateful.
What hurts the most is that Lily and Pandora are so close every day, still sharing the same classes and hanging out in the same spots, yet they are still so far apart.
Pandora feels empty. Lily and her used to do everything together and now the thought of her made Pandora want to violently sob until her eyes got all puffy and red. She had, once or twice.
Almost every memory with Lily tainted with an unbearing feeling of sadness.
Polaroid pictures of Lily is still attached to Pandora's mirror. Regulus saw when she put them up, shooting Pandora a look of sympathy.
She still thinks of Lily every single day. She still loves Lily and everything Lily is, even though her memory is always accompanied by that particular evening because she is everything to Pandora. She always has been, probably always will be,
But Pandora is not everything to Lily. She’ll have to figure out a way to accept that.