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Sirius being Sirius, meant he was never sober. For a while, it was to keep up his party-boy facade, but after the prank, it became his way of surviving. Of course, no one would know it was no longer just about being a party boy, but maybe that was for the best because he didn’t want the pity. He also didn’t want to think about what the prank lost him, his best friend and longtime love ( though he would never know Sirius loved him) Remus Lupin. James and Peter barely spoke to him anymore, and Lupin hadn’t said a word in almost two months, so Sirius stayed drunk and far away from them; and the feelings they brought up. That was possibly also why he didn’t go to meals, and when he did it was short-lived because the look of disgust and hatred from Remus was too much to bear; he could always feel the tears threatening to spill. That’s where his new form of punishment came from, and why he was now here in the bathroom at this stupid party and looking into those beautiful honey hazel eyes that made him want to melt.
“What were you doing in there padfoot?” Remus stared at him with a cool level gaze, but something almost like worry was hiding behind it, and before Sirius could look close enough his walls went back up. “ Padfoot I won’t ask again.” His voice was soft and he looked at him with such concern and, shockingly, care that Sirius didn’t want to hurt him with the truth.
“Using the toilet, like you're supposed to.” Sirius tried to keep the bile rising in his throat down, he’d already thrown up once tonight and tried not to show how much of a lie that was. “ I don’t suppose I can piss in piece?” He offers an eye roll, trying to sound funny and not broken, but the crack in his voice and the way the words come out give him away.
“Sirius.” Sirius stopped, Remus rarely used his name and every time he did, it never failed to make Sirius’s heart stutter. “ I’ve been watching you. You don’t eat, and when you do you always run to the bathroom to throw up. Why?”
“Because I’m always drunk, I just drink too much. I like to have fun and I just tend to overdo it.” Sirius says with a shrug trying to shake off the feeling that Remus knew more than he was letting on. But of course, Remus knew him better than that and wouldn’t let it go.
“We both know there’s more to it than that, you can hold your liquor well. Don’t lie to me again.” And then in a broken whisper Moony added, “Please.” And that broke something in Sirius.
“Why do you care! I almost got you killed, you should hate me! Do you want to know why I’m destroying myself? It’s because of you, and how badly I hurt you! If I could take it all back I would, but I can’t! So please let me destroy myself, because I destroyed the one good thing in my life.” Sirius stared at the ground, not expecting his resolve to crumble so easily.
“What was the one good thing in your life Padfoot?” Remus looked like he was about to cry and Sirius decided he didn’t give a damn about being better or keeping Remus at a distance so Remus could have a better life. Not ruined by someone like him.
Sirius whispered looking up at Remus with tears brimming his eyes, “You.”