Work Text:
It is currently 8:30 AM in the Devildom.
Lucifer gets up and starts getting ready, brushing his teeth and putting on a perfectly ironed suit in preparation for a work trip in the human realm, then heading downstairs to make himself some breakfast.
Whilst he is busy frying himself a couple of eggs, he is approached by Mammon.
‘ey, nice fancy dress, where ya headed?’
‘to the human realm for a work trip..’
‘ooh! Nice! Can the great Mammon please have the opportunity of dog-sitting Cerberus?-’
‘nope! I do not trust you in the slightest! Diavolo and Barbatos will be looking after him as they are the people I trust the most.’
‘you mean your two royal fuck boys are lookin’ after the mutt?’
‘*sigh*.. I told you to stop referring to them like that.. anyways, I need to leave soon, please don't wreck the place..’
Lucifer scarfs down his breakfast, then barely manages to wrangle Cerberus into his car. He then drives to the royal palace.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
The front door is opened by Barbatos.
‘ah, greetings Lucifer!- O-oh-’
Cerberus has jumped up onto Barbatos and started licking his face.
‘*chuckles*.. Well, greetings to you as well, Cerberus..’
Lucifer hands Barbatos a bag of things, as well as a leash.
‘Here's his lead. In this bag you'll find his food, poop bags, his favourite toys and also one of those ball thrower things..’
‘ah, how splendid! Thank you Lucifer!’
‘You are welcome. Now, I best get going, it starts in an hour, and it takes 45 minutes to get there!’
‘oh! Yes, yes, get going! I'll see you later Lucifer!’
The door shuts and Barbatos walks Cerberus through to the living room.
‘Young master, Lucifer has dropped off Cerberus.’
‘*sigh*.. could he really not find anyone else?... We could've had some.. very good fun.. today..’
‘Well, yes, we could have, though it is nice to look after your loved ones and help them out from time to time.’
‘I guess so.. right, come on, let's do.. something with this horror mutt..’
‘hey! Do not call him such names!’
‘What else am I supposed to call him?!’
‘Good boy? Snookums? Greedy treat stealer? Cerberus?!’
‘I see your point..’
WOOF WOOF
‘He seems quite excited, let's give him some exercise..’
‘you go do that, Coronation Street’s on and-’
‘Lets. Give. Him. Some. Exercise!’
‘fine…’
Barbatos and Diavolo both make their way out to the courtyard, where they play fetch.
‘Why is he bringing it back to me?!’
‘That’s.. how fetch is supposed to work… he is fetching the ball…’
‘oh.. so that's why it's called fetch!’
‘*sigh*... This relationship is a danger to my brain cells…’
After a few rounds of fetch, they then start playing some tug of war, then they go out on a nice long walk in the woods behind the castle, watching as the sun sets above them.
They then make it back in the house, shutting and locking all the doors, then getting ready for bed..
They both awaken at 6:30 AM the next day. Barbatos starts preparing breakfast for himself and the young master, meanwhile Diavolo files away some paperwork.
After they both eat breakfast, Barbatos pours out a bowl of food for Cerberus and calls him through to the kitchen.
Usually, Cerberus would come running through to where his favourite food is, tail wagging, and all three tongues licking pairs of lips.
But this time, there is no sign of Cerberus.
‘Young master? Is Cerberus with you?’
‘no, he isn't.. I thought he'd be with you..’
Panic slowly starts to set in as they search the entire house and find no sign of the dog.
Barbatos finds the front door left slightly ajar.
‘oh no… we've let him out..’
‘ah shit, Lucifer's gonna kill us…’
‘He won't just kill us, he'll do worse!’
Barbatos gets out his DDD and Diavolo swats it out of his hand.
‘no! Don't tell him!’
‘His pet is missing! We should probably tell him!’
‘no! We'll just find him and pretend that nothing happened!’
‘Are you being serious?!’
‘Yes Barbatos, I am being serious!’
‘But that's dishonest!’
‘Who cares?! We literally live in hell!’
‘That does not mean that we cannot have integrity..’
‘it does mean that Lucifer will fucking obliterate us if he gets the news that his pet is missing!’
‘*sigh*’
Barbatos turns on the TV, expecting a soap opera or some weird advertisement for something useless.
Instead, there's a news broadcast with the headline ‘feral creature on the loose’, and footage of Cerberus wrecking buildings.
‘WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!’
‘well… it seems he had more power than we thought..’
‘Clearly! Awe, dammit, he's wrecked the Akuburger..’
‘is that seriously what you are most concerned about?!’
‘Yes it is! I like my burgers!
‘that's obvious from the slight growth of your waistline over the past couple months…’
‘oh shut up! Right, back to the matter at hand, feral dog on the loose..’
The two leave the palace and head to the scene. They are stopped by a police officer.
‘Sorry, guys, but due to the danger of the scene, we cannot allow any unauthorized personal to enter-’
Diavolo flashes his ID.
‘oh! M-my apologies, your majesty…’
‘no, no, it's alright, happens sometimes.. the suits are too difficult to move around in so my servant and I have had to go for something a bit less.. fancy…’
‘Alrighty then.. carry on with whatever you're doing..’
They make their way to the scene, watching the destruction happen
The pursuit begins, starting with Diavolo trying to lure him with treats, which obviously doesn't work and just makes him look like a total idiot. Barbatos then tries to lure him with treats, learning nothing from his young master's failure. They then try to lasso him, but it doesn't seem to work.
Diavolo then gets an idea.
‘What if I freeze time and lasso him?’
‘that sounds like it might not work..’
‘trust me! It could!’
‘fine.. go ahead..’
Diavolo uses his powers and freezes time, then gets out his rope and lassos Cerberus. He then calls Belphegor (who he made exempt from the time freeze) and asks him to use his sleepy powers to make Cerberus go to sleep.
Time is unfrozen and the big dog is now subdued, sleeping peacefully.
They then take Cerberus back to the palace and pay the money to repair all the buildings that were damaged.
Lucifer gets back and the two are banned from ever watching Cerberus again, which is quite the justified consequence considering that they somehow managed to let him out and make him destroy buildings.