Chapter Text
The machines were still beeping, an excruciating sound that reminded him of everything Lucy went through because of his fault. Just because he couldn't keep his mouth shut and intervened with her personal life, which he claimed to not care about. But at the same time, it was such a soothing sound to know that she's alive... It made the situation a tiny bit more bearable.
He opened the journal with a sigh, still not quite believing that he's really doing this. He went through the pages, feeling nervous about what he was about to do, the sound of the paper hitting against each other the only thing covering the silence and pain in mind and heart.
He picked up the pen and held it against the white surface as he started writing out his emotions, feelings and thoughts.
10th September 2019
I don’t know exactly how I got to this point but after almost losing Lucy, I'll do everything she said in the last months to help her.
What happened less than 12 hours ago... it’s just… crazy. I’ve been on patrol a lifetime but never have I imagined that one of my rookies (the best one that I trained) would have gotten in such a mess… and it’s my fault. Lucy just wanted to go to bed and stay at home and I pushed her towards Caleb, she’ll be traumatised for the rest of her life and right now as I’m sitting beside her, god, I just want to hug her and tell her it’s okay. Yes I know that’s crazy, I cannot do that, but I think she needs it, okay? Maybe I need some of that crap too...
Some hours passed and Lucy had a little nightmare but managed to stay asleep. Whilst Lucy was sleeping, Tim couldn’t because of the guilt that was going through him
3 a.m., it says on the clock. Yet here I am trying to brush off this strange feeling I have in my stomach. I’m trying to figure out what that is but I can’t, and maybe a little personal talk in the shop with Lucy could have helped right now.
Yeah, about Lucy—she’s sleeping and having nightmares but I think she’ll get through it with the toughness she has shown since day one…
“Officer Bradford, you’ll get our hotshot Lucy Chen.”
Grey was damn right—she saved my life on the first day, helped me with Isabel, and showed me compassion while I was being a total ass. And all I could do was push her towards Rosalind’s protégé.
At some point in the night Tim got up to stretch his legs and went to get a coffee in order to stay awake in case Lucy needed him. He still wasn’t sure why he was doing all of this. Caleb was dead, Rosalind was in prison, and Lucy was safe in the hospital.
8 a.m. and my eyes are fucking sore, my back is killing me, and if someone like John comes in here and tries to give one of his life lessons I swear I’ll shout at him in a very disrespectful tone.
The day went on and he stayed with Lucy all morning, then Jackson changed shifts with him so that Tim could rest. He went home, showered, ate something, and took the journal in bed with him.
I feel so stupid sometimes, but saying that Chen was right about this whole journal thing is completely nuts. I’m usually a more “punch something in order to calm myself down” kind of man, not a “Stefan Salvatore” kind of guy. However, I’m going to sleep, but I’ll keep my phone next to me... in case... someone needs me. Yeah, that’s what I always do, right?
The next few days were quite rough for Tim. He started having nightmares about him not finding Lucy in time and having to take her out lifeless… there was especially this one night in which he started to realise that something was going on with him.
“Lucy, please wake up!” he shouted while doing CPR to her, tears rolling down his eyes mixed with sweat. His eyes full of fear—the fear of losing one of his most brave rookies. The one rookie that, even though she was scared of him, helped him with Isabel and still remained professional. The hotshot, as Grey called her the first day. Tim knew that she couldn’t die like this—he hoped. For the first time since Isabel’s addiction, he had hope. What a strange feeling.
“C’mon Chen, you do not get to leave me like this,” he said breathlessly as he looked up to Grey and Angela, who had this heartbreaking look in her eyes.
She’s gone.
Tim slowly fell to his knees as he held Lucy’s lifeless body, trying to find the strength to even think about what just happened.
“Boot... I still have to finish your training. You were going to be a great cop, Lucy, please come back to us. Please...” he whispered as tears fell on Lucy’s body, and his breath increased as the realization grew on him.
He was trembling as he woke up screaming her name. All he could say was Lucy, and he felt like he was the one dying. Tim reached for the night light as he sat straight up in bed to catch his breath. He reached only for one thing as he opened his eyes... the ring. He took the ring in his hands and kept repeating to himself that Lucy was safe in the hospital and Caleb was dead.
After a few minutes, when he calmed down, he reached for his journal, and as his breath returned to normal, he finally set the pen on the paper more as an instinct than a need.
20th September 2019
I had a nightmare.
I don’t know how it happened and honestly I never thought I would’ve had one about Lucy.
It’s strange how something so near yet so far is making me crazy like this.
She is my rookie and what she went through is so diabolical, and I don't know how to help her or what to say or do...
It’s still my fault that she ended up like that.
I wish I could’ve taken her place so that she didn’t have to suffer like this. I could’ve gotten through it. I wouldn’t have minded ending my life.
I would have done all of this shit just so that Lucy could show her damn parents how good of a cop she is. How she saved my life on the job. How she makes me proud every day for the cop I’m teaching her to be.
How she saved her life in that barrel.
Without anyone.
Without me.
If it hadn’t been for the ring, would I still be able to write right now? Or maybe at this point I’d be telling her parents that their daughter is dead?
As Tim closed the journal and reached for the nightstand so that he could put it in the drawer, the pills he had for headaches were standing there as he was putting the ring down.
“Just one more and I’ll sleep peacefully,” said Tim, all by himself, as he proceeded to drink some water and let the pill slide down his throat.