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Time was passing slowly as usual in the Matsuno household, each of the brothers preoccupied with their own solitary activity, when suddenly, Osomatsu said, “Hey, do you guys want to start a gang?”
“Osomatsu-nii-san, that’s seriously lame,” Todomatsu replied, not even looking up as he tapped away at his phone.
Choromatsu was the second to chime in. “I agree. Not to mention illegal, dangerous, and outright stupid! Where did you even get that idea from?!”
“Heh… but I understand well your desire for a dangerous life, for I too--”
“Let’s do it,” Ichimatsu said. Jyushimatsu was nodding so vigorously that his entire body was vibrating.
“Nice! Four against two! We’re doing it!” Osomatsu cheered and leapt to his feet. He pulled a bunch of props and costumes out of their shared closet and ushered his brothers out of the house before they could retaliate, all the while explaining, “Okay, I call dibs on being the boss! Karamatsu, Choromatsu, you guys are my bodyguards! Todomatsu, you’re the information broker! Ichimatsu, Jyushimatsu, you guys… just do whatever the hell it is you usually do!”
-
“I really don’t get why we have to go along with this,” Choromatsu complained, but started getting changed into his outfit anyway-- a crisp black blazer and matching slacks. He wore his usual dress shirt unbuttoned underneath.
“Hmhmhm, I see you’ve picked out a poetic, stylish outfit for me, my brother… it’s… it’s simply perfect!” Karamatsu smirked to himself as he made several poses in front of a body-length mirror. He was wearing a varsity jacket with gratuitous skulls and roses printed on the back, and in place of his usual sequin-covered tights were a simple pair of worn-out jeans. He actually looked… surprisingly good. “These roses… they symbolize my undying passion! But the skulls, oh! They are the harbingers of fear! Yes, my deepest fear--”
Out of nowhere, Ichimatsu kneed Karamatsu in the ass, causing him to lose his balance and fall forwards onto the mirror, which shattered beneath his weight. Karamatsu winced as he got back on his feet; one shard had left a particularly nasty gash down his right palm, and the wound was bleeding freely. Seeing this, Ichimatsu snickered, “Looks like you’re gonna have bad luck today, Kusomatsu.”
“Hey! Don’t get blood on my clothes before we even begin!” Todomatsu yelped, scuttling away from the SM pair. He carefully checked over every inch of his outfit-- a classic, white three-piece suit --before pouting in disapproval at his idiotic brothers from a safe distance away. Ichimatsu was now licking the blood off Karamatsu’s hand in a very slow and deliberate fashion.
“Nngh, w-what are you--” Karamatsu grunted.
“Shut up,” Ichimatsu hissed, sinking his teeth into the flesh around the wound and causing fresh blood to gush forth. Another grunt of pain escaped Karamatsu, but he didn’t pull away as Ichimatsu moaned hungrily and licked up the warm rivulets of blood.
“The fanservice part hasn’t even started yet! What the hell are you guys doing?!” Choromatsu spluttered. Ichimatsu only moaned louder in response as he continued to slobber over Karamatsu’s bloody hand.
“Service? Did someone call for service?” Jyushimatsu appeared wearing nothing but a pair of briefs. Extravagant tattoos marked his entire body.
Choromatsu didn’t even blink at the ridiculous sight. “Jyushimatsu, octopus hold!”
“Okay!”
“A-ah!” Ichimatsu gasped as his limbs were forcefully twisted to the verge of breaking. Then, in a velvety tone, he murmured, “More… hurt me more…”
“Nii-san… you smell good…” Jyushimatsu panted. A bit of drool dripped down his chin and onto Ichimatsu’s exposed stomach, and Ichimatsu shivered slightly.
“Why is this turning into a fanservice scene too?!”
“Geez, you guys still aren’t ready?” Osomatsu said as he barged into the changing room. He was wearing a black duster and had wrapped bandages around his chest. “I already found some random person to play the dude we’re gonna beat up. You guys are soooo slow.”
“Where did you even find someone who would agree to that?!”
“Haha, well, there are some really messed up people in this world. Seriously.”
“... Let’s just get this over with.”
-
It was suddenly nighttime.
“Y’know, if you just cooperate, this’ll be a lot easier on all of us,” Osomatsu said to the filthy wall of a building, his hands in the pockets of his slacks. He tossed his cigarette to the ground and crushed out the embers with the heel of his shoe.
“P-please! I didn’t mean to--”
“HUUUUH? DID I SAY YOU COULD TALK? YOU SHITTY, LOWER-THAN-SCUM, PIECE OF SHIT?” Osomatsu suddenly whirled around, leaning over the other man in an exaggerated display of dominance.
“Didn’t you say shit twice just now?” Choromatsu pointed out.
“Karamatsu.” Osomatsu said, and snapped his fingers once.
Karamatsu gave a curt nod. He removed his sunglasses and handed them to Osomatsu before cracking his knuckles audibly. The man before him paled and cowered. Karamatsu tilted his head back, peered down his nose at him, and muttered, “Just know… that this hurts me more than it does--”
“Okay, next,” Osomatsu said, and faked a yawn. He tossed the sunglasses onto the ground.
“What? I didn’t even--”
“Ichimatsu!” Osomatsu called out.
The screeching of nails against a chalkboard suddenly filled the air. Everyone except Jyushimatsu winced and whipped their heads around, trying to find the source of the horrendous noise. They immediately spotted the culprit: Jyushimatsu, who was standing idly by a wheeled chalkboard with a comically large rusty nail in hand. Their complaints died in their throats, however, for engraved into the board was an ominous phrase...
“‘Welcome to DIE’? Um...” Choromatsu read aloud. “No, that’s… that’s not quite right…”
“Oh my god! You guys… that loser we were gonna beat into an unrecognizable pulp… he’s dead!” Todomatsu gasped, sounding utterly horrified even though he was currently taking a selfie where he was looking cutely surprised. As he had observed, the man was, indeed, dead.
“No! Such a cruel fate…” Karamatsu clutched at his heart melodramatically, except it was the wrong side. “I shall never forget this dark night of darkness…”
“... Just now, you said it twice--”
“Wait, where’s Ichimatsu?” Osomatsu interrupted.
“Huh? Didn’t he just kill that guy-- what the…?! That guy… THAT GUY WAS ICHIMATSU!” Choromatsu screamed, pointing to the corpse. As he had observed, the man was, indeed, actually Ichimatsu.
“What?! Then... who killed him?” Todomatsu asked. He sounded shocked, yet he wasn’t even looking at the others, as he was busy tweeting about how their ‘yakuza skit had just somehow turned into a murder mystery skit ww.’
“It wasn’t me! I could never kill a man with a face as beautiful as--” Karamatsu trailed off mid-sentence. He was already dead.
“You guys… Karamatsu just… uh… I guess… he died. Or something.” Choromatsu said, not even bothering to hide the fact that he sounded extremely bored.
“Eh.” Osomatsu shrugged. He had gone off-stage to get some microwaved popcorn and was now leaning against the wall beside Ichimatsu’s corpse and munching away.
“So anyway, who was the killer again?” Todomatsu asked.
“Jyushimatsu… you’re the only one who hasn’t said anything yet…” Choromatsu said.
Jyushimatsu, who was facing the other way, slowly turned his head… an entire 180 degrees.
“It wasn’t me!” Jyushimatsu chirped happily.
His head then rolled off his body.
“... How?! Who is doing this…?!” Choromatsu wailed, clutching his own head desperately, as if it might fall off as well.
“It’s obvious, isn’t it?” Osomatsu said around a mouthful of half-chewed popcorn. His eyes met Choromatsu’s, and with that one look, Choromatsu seemed to suddenly understand, for he drew his lips into a tight line and nodded once in response.
“... Yup, it’s definitely Totty.” The two said in a rather monotonous harmony.
“Ehhhh? No waaay~” Todomatsu said.
“Okay, seriously though, can you put a little more effort into your acting? Lately you’ve been playing into the whole ‘haha I just browse stuff on my phone all day and don’t care about the people around me at all~’ persona way too much.” Osomatsu said accusingly, and crossed his arms.
“Haaah?! You’re seriously going to give me a hard time about that? Mr. My-Only-Personality-Trait-Is-Having-No-Distinct-Personality-Traits?” Todomatsu retorted. A vein bulged on Osomatsu’s forehead.
“Now, now…” Choromatsu said nervously. “This isn’t supposed to be a serious skit…”
“Don’t even get me started on you, Choro-Shiko-Rising! You’re the ultimate hypocrite!” Todomatsu snapped.
“What?! That’s…” Choromatsu swallowed thickly. Or, he tried to, but there was something in the way. He… he couldn’t breathe! With both hands, he grasped at his own throat, before falling to the floor and writhing pathetically. Osomatsu and Todomatsu made no motion to help him.
“Wow, he actually choked on his own words.” Todomatsu commented, sounding vaguely amused as Choromatsu died.
“That’s…” Osomatsu paused. “That’s actually hilarious! Hahaha, what a loser!”
“Yeah, seriously! I didn’t even kill him or anything! Ahahaha!” Todomatsu laughed. Then, he suddenly paused. “Wait, I didn’t kill any of them. I was just about to say so before you rudely criticised me. But if Choromatsu-nii-san is dead, then that means...” A thin sheen of sweat formed on his adorable face. “O-Osomatsu-nii-san…”
Osomatsu stared at Todomatsu in confusion. “Huh? Wait, what? I didn’t kill any of them either. Actually, how did they even die?”
The two brothers stood around in silence for a few seconds.
“Tehe~! Just kidding! It was me after all!” Todomatsu said with a wink aimed directly at the reader: ( ° ω＾)〜☆
“Yes! I knew it! Suck my ass, bitches--” But then Osomatsu died.
THE END