Chapter Text
“Hoshino-san, you’re having lunch alone again?”
I raised my eyes. It was Chisato, the new girl — she’d transferred to Ohtori a couple of weeks ago, and she’d taken an interest in me. I could understand it: I was an interesting subject. I am not bragging here. I wasn’t like most of my classmates, but I don’t think it made me better than them. I don’t even know if I ever was anything special, really. In the wide wide world out there, there must have been countless other girls just like me. But here, at this school, I was something of a rarity. When coming face to face with this rarity, most responded with mockery, but some others, with curiosity.
In a vacuum, I would not not feel particularly bad or good about these reactions. It mattered little what people thought of me. But I knew that this girl’s attention would do no good to either of us.
“You don’t have to worry about me, I’m okay,” I said, peaceably.
“But I do! Worry, I mean… Sorry, that wasn’t the right thing to… It’s just… Some of the other kids, they say such mean things about you, and laugh at you… about you… but I’m sure it’s just because they didn’t have a chance to get to know you! If they did… I mean, you’re a good person, and it’s not fair that…”
I felt that she could go on for a while like this, so I decided to be a little more forceful. “Really, it’s fine. But if you spend to much time talking to me, they’re going to start laughing at you, too. Go on now, your friends are waiting.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Michiko and Reika watching us. Those two had a habit of taking younger girls under their wings, and Chisato must have become the latest protégé. Reika, at least, was nicer to me than most, but she didn’t approve of me.
“I don’t mind if they do laugh at me! It’s just not fair, I can’t…”
I raised an eyebrow.
“I’m sorry, Hoshino-san,” she went on. “Well, if you want to be alone now, I understand. But, um… This Saturday, it’s Tsuchiya-san’s birthday — um, you know him, right? From the fencing club? And some of us are getting together, at his dorm — it’s one of the nice ones, you know — for a birthday party. So maybe you…”
This was getting ridiculous.
“No, no, I can’t,” I said.
“I’m sorry if I’m being too forward! But I think it would be good if you spent some time together with everybody. Everybody thinks that you are some kind of… I don’t even know… It’s not fair! They never even try to talk to you! If they did, they’d see… You get it, right?”
I could see that she was getting more and more fond of the party plan, and of the idea of me as her little pet cause, so there was no getting around it. I had to put an end to it all. I forced myself to stop smiling, and spoke slowly, hoping my voice was cold enough.
“Quite plainly,” I said, “I don’t see the point.”
“You don’t see the..?”
“What would I even do, if I went to your party? I’ve been to one or two of those before, I know what it’s like there. You want me to talk to those people? Nothing they say to each other can be described as “talking”, as far as I’m concerned. They repeat the same words and phrases to each other, only changing the order slightly, about how oh, such-and-such looks so cool, and so-and-so shouldn’t have asked you-know-who out, and don’t you just love that dreamy teacher?, and none of it ever means anything. They go through their entire lives, making friends, falling in love, and what’s the point of any of it? They’re just playing with dolls — except they themselves are the dolls. So yes, I don’t take part in their life, but I don’t think I’m missing out on much.”
“But… But…” She was stuttering.
“To be frank,” I pressed on, hoping this would be the final blow, “I can’t see how anyone with any measure of intelligence at all could find any enjoyment in these things that you seem to find so important.”
“Hoshino-san… I…” She was breathing heavily, and appeared to be trying very hard to come up with something to say. Finally, she turned around and ran off. From various directions, there came muffled snickering. A couple of boys at a table nearby laughed out loud. Michiko shot me one of her famous looks. I ignored it.
I went back to my noodles, feeling shitty. It was cruel of me, and as soon as I finished talking, a part of me began to wish that I hadn’t said anything. It couldn’t be helped, I knew, but I wasn’t being completely honest, either. Then again, it’s not like anything I’d said was wrong. I was just as human as everybody else, and I enjoyed spending time with others, but like that? Who in their right mind would want the kind of lives these people lead? Well, many would, apparently. That was the hardest part. I knew I wasn’t wrong, but I couldn’t say that Chisato was wrong, either. But could we both be right at the same time? And if not, then… what?
That wasn’t the main thing right at the moment, though. I had been harsh with Chisato. I shouldn’t have been. I had to drive her away, but it didn’t have to be like this. Now it was too late. If I went back and apologized to her, wouldn’t that be a good thing? No, it’d only make it all worse. I would just have to stand by what I said. Except that didn’t feel right, either.
As always, I ended up retreating from the difficult questions. I finished my meal (accompanied by continued snickering), stood up, and went back to class.
***
Classes were over for the day, and I settled at my favored afternoon spot, a bench on a hill at the edge of campus. I picked up the manga I’d brought and leafed through a couple pages, but couldn’t concentrate. I put the book aside and looked at the people instead. Near and far, just at the bottom of the hill and off in the distance, there they were, coming and going, stopping to talk to each other and walking away. I followed the movements of one person, then sent my glance darting to the other side of the campus and focused on another. This was a way to spend a couple hours. Not a particularly good way, maybe, but one I kept coming back to. The figures kept moving, and I kept silently observing.
One figure moved closer and closer, until it was right in front of me.
“What was that at lunch today?” it greeted me.
“Ah,” I said, “Reika. Afternoon.”
She only frowned.
“Sorry,” I smiled. “Kiyokawa-senpai, good afternoon, if that works better for you.”
I was being petty. I knew well enough that Reika didn’t really care how I addressed her, and that she wasn’t frowning at my rudeness. Still, it felt good sometimes to prick at people in this way. She probably expected it of me, too.
“I’ll ask again,” she went on, not acknowledging anything I’d said, “what was that at lunch today?”
I sighed. This conversation would need to happen eventually. There was no way around that.
“Is she okay?” I asked.
“Worry about yourself.”
“But senpai,” I said, sweetly, “if I worried about myself, I could never have a moment of peace here at Ohtori Academy. Why, I’d keep myself up all night with worry!”
“Change your act, then,” she snapped. “You don’t like it here, fine. Everyone except you is stupid and doesn’t get what’s really important in life. Fine. You’re not the only person to ever feel this way. Doesn’t mean you have to make everyone around you miserable.”
I smiled and wagged my finger. “Point of order, point of order! I never said I don’t like it here. And I’m not trying to make anyone miserable.”
“Right. I guess someone else must have made Chisato-chan cry.”
“Not trying,” I repeated, “not on purpose. Anyway, I’m sparing her the far greater misery that would come from associating with me.”
“Ah yes, your perennial excuse. Do you really think that’s how it works? That you can be mean to whoever you want, and that’s okay, because people don’t like you? You do understand, don’t you, that people don’t like you because you behave this way, not vice versa? You really think that what you’re saying has any substance to it?”
I said nothing. It would be better to let her finish.
“I suppose you do,” she said after a pause, and I thought I sensed that same measured coldness that I’d used at lunch. “I suppose you love the sound of your own voice too much to not believe every word that comes out of your mouth.”
I chuckled.
“Oh, that’s a new one. And a good one… I’ll need to start writing down the things you all say about me. Some of them are pretty clever. ‘Hoshino had planned to drown herself once, but changed her mind, because the fish never say anything interesting.’ Have you heard that one?”
Reika blinked, and her face, for a moment, looked as though I’d slapped her.
“Really now?” There seemed to be a mix of anger and disappointment in her voice. “You find this funny? Nothing to be concerned about? People joke about you killing yourself, and it’s normal to you?”
I shrugged.
“You don’t have to worry about me, senpai. It’s all good, really. I appreciate a bit of levity.”
“Levity, huh? Right, yes, that’s how it is with you. Everything is a joke. Your own life is a joke to you.”
“Just because I can laugh at it doesn’t make it a joke.”
“Listen, Hoshino. As someone who, believe it or not, actually cares about you as a person, please, can you, just for once, listen to me? Can you start taking things more seriously? Things, and people? Assuming you don’t get kicked out or something, you’re going to be here for four and a half more years. You can’t keep going on like this.”
For a while, I said nothing, only looking at the people downhill. Then I pointed out one of them.
“Look over there, senpai. You see that guy? Tsuchiya, from my class. He entered the fencing club this year.”
I pointed to a different person.
“Before that, he used to spend a lot of time with that girl, Oshima. Now he hardly ever talks to her. I don’t really know why. Last month, though, Oshima stole the chairman’s sister’s clothes during a swimming class and hid them somewhere. As revenge, apparently. It’s funny, despite her brother being the chairman, that girl’s about as high on the social ladder as me. Nobody ever so much as gives her the time of day, but Tsuchiya has been visiting her garden a lot lately. Anyway, when Oshima stole her clothes, the student council got involved, but no one was punished. But this week, Oshima has been looking different. Like something scared her real bad. Also, this week, the kids in our class started inviting everyone to Tsuchiya’s birthday party. You know, that thing, the one that Chisato wanted me to go to? And, wouldn’t you know it, Oshima was one of the first to be invited. Harsh, right? Yesterday, she met with Tsuchiya in private, to give him his present early and say that she can’t come on Saturday. He… well, I don’t know what exactly he said, but now she feels like she has to come. And she looks even more scared.”
I looked Reika in the eye.
“So tell me, senpai, when that’s the kind of thing that goes on everywhere, no matter where you look, who is it that needs to start taking things more seriously?”
She stared at me with an unreadable experssion.
“You really know all of that?” she said at last.
“How would I not know all of that?” I shot back. “No one at this school knows how to keep a secret.”
After a while, I added,
“I guess I really do like the sound of my own voice. But I hear all the other ones just fine.”
She sighed.
“We’ll discuss this again,” she said, before turning around and walking away.
I leaned back and stared at the clouds. I hadn’t mentioned anything about Oshima to Chisato. Part of me thought that maybe I should have. It was certainly a better, more reasonable reason to avoid the party, compared to what I’d said. But I didn’t want her to see me as reasonable. The whole issue was that she’d thought I was a good person, just misunderstood. I didn’t want to be understood. I didn’t want people to take me seriously. It was so much easier to just be the bad guy.
And perhaps I also didn’t want Chisato to feel guilty about going. She was new here, she hardly knew anyone. If she does go, she probably won’t notice anything. She might enjoy herself. Would that be so wrong?
But no, none of that had anything to do with anything. Wanting to drive Chisato away, not wanting to spoil her fun… these thoughts might have been in my head, but none of them were the reason why I said nothing. The truth was, when Chisato mentioned the party, I felt in my heart that I wanted to be there. And I didn’t know what to think about that feeling.
I wanted to be there, at the party with Oshima and Tsuchiya, because I thought it would be interesting. Not that I expected someone to cause a scene, or get into a real fight. Most likely, Oshima would smile through the bullshit, sitting there with a cheerful face, hurting on the inside. And it was the thought of that smile and that pain that, for some reason, made me excited. That was something I wanted to see.
I rubbed my temples and looked at the school, and the people. A small group of girls was deep in conversation by a pond. A bunch of elementary school kids were running around. The student council president stood by an administrative building, talking about something to the chairman. Tsuchiya went into the rose garden again.
Surely I wasn’t the only one who knew about Oshima’s broken heart. But others, who knew and were still coming to the party, weren’t coming because they wanted to see her trying to hide the pain. They just didn’t care.
What about Tsuchiya, though? He made Oshima come. Was it to hurt her? Or did he really just not realize?
There I go again, I’m curious. I want to see.
The setting sun blazed orange light into my face.
“Four and a half more years, huh…” I muttered to myself.
“Well, they can let you out early for good behavior,” a voice said from behind my left shoulder.
“Or maybe it’s the opposite. We’ve never been too sure,” another one added from the right.
“Ah,” I smiled, “it’s you two.”
The twins, Hotaru and Yuki, were the only ones who took me seriously. They were officially recognized weirdos, like me, but of a different genre. I was the type of weirdo people laughed at. They were the type of weirdos people gave a wide berth. To borrow Chisato’s turn of phrase, that didn’t feel fair. They were kind, and brave, and good friends. But they were also wild creatures. They recognized no authority and respected no mores. In that way, they were like me. But if I always ended up retreating from these things, they never did. They always tried to do only what they wanted; and once they’d gotten into their heads that they wanted to do something, no one could talk them down. They were not afraid of offending people, or making enemies, and so they made many. With that kind of outlook on life, it was somewhat strange that they still hadn’t gotten kicked out of this school. But they hadn’t, and I was grateful for that. It was nice to have friends — and friends who were outcasts at that, outcasts by choice. I could talk to them, be friendly with them, live by their side, and not worry that I was dragging them down to my level.
“So what was Colonel Reika bothering you about?” Hotaru asked, sitting down next to me. She and Yuki were identical twins, but nobody mistook them for one another — nobody who cared enough to learn their names, anyway. Hotaru always wore her hair short, while Yuki grew it out; Yuki also had a small but noticeable scar under her left eye. I liked to think that I’d be able to tell them apart even without these, but I never got the chance to try.
“Just some unpleasantness over lunch,” I said, “no big deal. It’s that new girl who’s sweet on me.”
I immediately cringed at my own wording; Hotaru, for her part, laughed, while Yuki stage whispered, “Class S! Class S!” It was just good-natured ribbing between friends, I knew, no offense intended, but something inside me still turned unpleasantly.
“Well, anyway,” Hotaru said, managing to stifle her laughter, “sorry about that. Guess it’s been a while since we’ve had lunch together, huh? We’d keep you company today, but Yamaguchi kept us after class again.”
“Aw, I’m sorry,” I said. The history teacher had been in a war of attrition with the twins for over a year now.
“Eh, don’t worry about it,” Yuki said lightly. “Getting a look at what he keeps in his room was worth it.”
“What? What does he keep in his room?” I was kind of curious.
“Sorry, Azu-chan, can’t tell you everything!” She stuck her tongue out at me. “You’re welcome to try and break in there yourself.”
“Pass.” My gaze swept over the campus once again.
For a while, we just sat there, looking at people.
“It’s kind of warm for winter, isn’t it?” Yuki said.
“Is it?” I asked. “This is just normal weather. It was like this last year, too, right?”
Yuki didn’t answer, but Hotaru mumbled, “Come on, are we really that far gone that we’ll sit around and talk about weather?”
“You’re right, you’re right,” I nodded.
Everyone was quiet again.
“The chairman really looks like he’s from a different place, not from here, huh?” Hotaru said suddenly. “Him and the student council, too.”
“Yeah, it’s a bit like that when you can afford fancy clothes,” Yuki shrugged.
“No, I don’t mean the clothes. It’s more how they all carry themselves. It’s all kind of, I don’t know…”
“No, yeah, I get you. Something’s different about them. Like they’re the real people, that real things happen to, and we all are just set dressing.”
“I don’t think anybody could accuse you two of being just a piece of set dressing,” I interjected.
“Aw, thanks, Azu-chan,” Hotaru said, and ruffled my hair. “We try not to be.”
“I’m glad you do.” That was unusually serious of me. At the moment, I just said it without thinking, but it was certainly unusual.
“What about you?” Hotaru turned to face me. “The chairman and the others, do they make you feel…”
She stopped mid-sentence, not finishing her thought.
“Rather than that, it’s more like…” I began, but quickly realized I didn’t know where I was going with that. “Well…”
I looked at the chairman, a tiny red and purple spot against a plain white wall.
“I can’t be like you two,” I said quietly.
Why did I say that?
“Well, I don’t think you want to be like us, right?” Hotaru said. There was something careful about her voice, or so it seemed to me.
I said nothing for a few moments. Yuki looked down.
I don’t know why I hesitated. It’s not like it was a difficult question. No, I didn’t want to be like them, and we all knew that. Anyone who knew us could tell you that. Why was I making a big deal out of this? It’s not like it would offend them.
“No, not really,” I said at last.
At the same time, Hotaru laughed, somewhat timidly. That timidness was completely unlike her, too. What was it with us that day?
“Sorry, I made it weird,” she said. “Don’t worry about this, Azu-chan.”
For a while, we just sat there. Finally, Yuki said, “How about dinner?”
Hotaru and I nodded. We stood up and left the hill.
***
The next day, the twins and I were walking back to the dorms after class, when we saw Oshima standing by the rose garden’s entrance.
“She wants to talk to him, I guess,” I said.
“She shouldn’t,” Yuki muttered. “He’s just an asshole.”
“It’s a bitch of a situation,” Hotaru shrugged. “But it’s not like there’s anything we can do about it.”
“Nothing she’d appreciate, at least,” Yuki nodded.
If I were by myself, I’d stay there, to try and see what would happen when Tsuchiya came out. With the three of us, though, it’d probably be better to leave.
But, just as I thought that, the door opened, and Tsuchiya walked out, along with the chairman and his sister. Oshima was evidently surprised by this, and seemed to almost recoil upon seeing them — well, upon seeing Himemiya, I supposed. She quickly got a hold of herself, though, and started to say something, though we couldn’t hear what.
I thought for a second about what to do. Should we leave now? I turned to the twins, but it seemed that they were watching the scene as well. I wondered if I should say something, but in the end, I didn’t.
Tsuchiya said something with a smile, turned on his heels and walked away.
“Fucker…” Yuki grunted, through gritted teeth.
Oshima kept talking, then abruptly stopped. Himemiya gave a brief answer, bowed her head slightly, and returned to the garden.
Oshima was left there alone with the chairman. She was breathing heavily, seeming to almost shake. Just like Chisato was yesterday, an unhelpful thought made itself known in my head. The chairman, for his part, just stood there — throughout the whole exchange, he didn’t say a word to anybody.
Oshima then turned around and saw the three of us standing to the side. She gave a pained laugh.
“Oh great, the freaks saw me lose my shit,” she said. This time, it was loud enough for us to hear.
And then she ran off.
The chairman walked towards us. He was tall and lean; his figure had something light and at the same time imposing about it.
“Apologies for the spectacle,” he said with a half-smile.
I breathed in. This wasn’t a role I particularly enjoyed playing, but, with the twins by my side, it naturally fell to me to be the responsible one.
“Um, no, excuse us, chairman,” I said, with a nervous laughter, in my best Normal Schoolgirl voice. “We didn’t really mean to eavesdrop, we were just surprised! We didn’t even hear anything.”
“That’s quite alright,” he replied, in the same flat, measured deep voice, betraying no feeling. “Emotions run wild in you young creatures; nothing improper about that. So long as no one gets hurt, of course.”
A silence followed. Something about this man unnerved me. I normally rarely had trouble finding the right words to say, but this time, I did.
Then, suddenly, Yuki spoke.
“I’m sorry, there’s something I need to…”
And, without finishing, she left — in the same direction Oshima did.
Hotaru glanced at her, then at the chairman, then at me, and, saying nothing, followed after her sister.
The chairman’s half-smile grew into a full one.
“Aren’t twins amazing?” he said. “They say one can always feel what the other is thinking. Most people can only dream of a bond like this.”
I was panicking. I didn’t know why, but I was panicking. I needed to calm down. Honestly, I could just end the conversation there. Just leave, like everyone else already had. Some part of me felt that this would be a defeat of sorts. But then, so what? I never cared about winning or losing. Not about winning or losing in a conversation , at least. That would be just silly. It would be normal for me to not give a shit about sticking it to the chairman; to apologize and go back to my dorm and read and hang out with Hotaru and Yuki again the next day and live out the rest of my time here just like I’ve always been doing —
And I didn’t do that. Instead, I met the chairman’s gaze.
“Yes, I’ve heard that,” I said, cheerily. “I’ve no idea if that’s true or not.”
“You could always ask your friends.”
“I let them keep their privacy.”
“How admirable,” he chuckled. “Well, let me tell you, Hoshino-san. It’s always terrific to get to know my students a little better. I enjoy nothing more than to see such beautiful and formidable personalities, all living side by side, in perfect harmony. Now then, I’ll leave you to your business.”
I was left alone. Well, great. What did this accomplish? I didn’t “win” anything. Nothing about me had really felt right for the last couple of days. A staring contest with the chairman today, making Chisato cry yesterday… And then that awkwardness with the twins…
Right. The twins. Dammit, I wasn’t really thinking about what I should have been thinking about. Yuki had gone off. After Oshima, right? I was sure of it. And that, for some reason, filled me with dread.
A part of me knew that I should go after them, too. Like Hotaru did. Like a good friend would. I didn’t really understand what Yuki was going to do, but things could go poorly. Yuki, no, both of them could need someone to support them, or to keep them from doing something stupid. But oh, what was I thinking? It was Hotaru and Yuki. They were always doing something stupid, and they always got away with it. No, something was different this time. Something that made it almost painful for me to think about all this.
Oh, but are you sure, a voice inside me said, are you sure that it’s not just the same thing as with the party? That you don’t just want to go after them so you can watch?
No, no, it wasn’t like that. It wasn’t. Right?
As I was thinking all of this, I realized that I already started walking back to the dorm. Away from where Hotaru and Yuki were.
I went into my room, threw my bag onto the bed, and flopped down in front of my desk.
I held my head in my hands.
What was this? What was going on with me? Why did I start feeling like this all the time?
What do I do now?
I don’t know for how long I sat like that.
Suddenly, a bright light filled the room.
“Hello, Azusa,” a weird, unfamiliar voice said. “Come with me. I want to show you something.”