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The silence afterwards wasn’t entirely unexpected—Hajime had not a clue what he was doing, and he would rather not make a fool of himself, especially when he’d already done so at least four other times today, including when he tripped on the first step of the hotel staircase on the way to get breakfast. Nobody had witnessed it, but it had still left a scar on his day. So he really didn’t want to screw this up.
To be fair, he hadn’t kissed anyone before. How was he supposed to know the standard practices, know anything about what to do next? With his school life memories ripped from his brain, he didn’t stand a fair chance. However, would experience have been of any aid? Probably not. Anything involving Nagito Komaeda defied logic. Not in a romantic way (if Hajime allowed himself to connect the words ‘romance’ and ‘Nagito’, then he’d die on the spot). The guy was just plain weird. For Hajime, trying to understand Nagito meant ditching his standard, usually effective social strategies, and getting in at least fifteen minutes of hitting his head on the wall in confusion per day.
After deciding it was excusable to have screwed up, Hajime then let himself find out if he had. He opened his eyes with the intention of actually looking at something instead of vaguely staring out the window of his cottage into the night sky. He could still feel his heart pounding in his chest. A few seconds passed, and Nagito sat motionless, eyes closed in an unusually calm manner. More time passed. He didn’t move an inch.
“Hey, Nagito, what’s going on? Why are you… Hey, look at me! Are you awake?”
It didn’t take long at all for Hajime to start worrying. It never did when it came to Nagito—the guy looked frail enough to sustain bad injuries from a fall at his own average height. Okay, he was probably exaggerating. Maybe tripping on his feet wouldn’t be what sent him to the grave, but he was still plenty easy to fret over, given his constant tendency to do dumb shit, like playing dead after a first kiss.
“Hey! Listen! Are you okay? Nagito!”
The lack of response begot more nagging. Hajime finally reached a breaking point—placing both of his hands on Nagito’s shoulders, he shook him back and forth. That seemed to work, somehow. Hajime momentarily worried he’d dislocated something.
“I'm sorry, Hajime. I was just spending my last moments thinking about as many wonderful things as possible. Please don’t interrupt me. I have to reflect quickly.”
“...what? Your last– what the hell are you on about this time?” Hajime sighed, and for a brief second he almost felt bad for treating Nagito like he was saying absolute nonsense. But then he saw that look in Nagito’s eyes and knew his exasperation was wholly justified. That was an embarrassing moment of weakness—since when had Nagito ever uttered a single sane sentence?
“Isn’t it obvious?”
No, absolutely nothing about you is obvious! Except for your sexuality, maybe.
“No. I don’t get it. Just tell me what you’re thinking,” Hajime urged, suddenly too conscious of the placement of his hands. Was it awkward, holding him in place like that? Deciding it would be worse if he suddenly let go, he stayed in place.
“This sort of luck… ah, it’s so wonderful! The door is open for anything now,” Nagito grinned madly, and Hajime tried his best not to flinch.
“...I really don’t get it. So… are you saying that me kissing you was just luck?”
“Precisely! Wow… I really wonder what’ll happen next…” he continued, making eye contact with Hajime, who now had to try his best not to get up and run. Some sort of fear gnawed at him, but he refused to pay it any mind. This was the sort of chance he needed to take if he wanted to understand Nagito, even if that weird combination of dreamy and insane was glimmering in his eyes. Ew.
“Wait, what are you on about? Next? I– I don’t know what you mean,” Hajime said, glancing away. Was his own face heating up? Knowing Nagito, he probably meant… actually, really, Hajime had no fucking clue. No amount of mental snowboarding could help him with this one.
“Well, soon, I'll surely be punished. I'll suffer from the most horrible of fortunes for a long, long while. I wonder what they’ll be! Hey, can you see any clouds out there, Hajime? Is there going to be a thunderstorm?” Nagito asked eagerly, and for someone who practically just said that this kiss had damned him to a stint in the depths of hell, he seemed awfully giddy.
“What? There aren’t storm clouds out. It wasn’t windy when we were outside earlier. And it hasn’t ever even rained here! Seriously, are you okay? You’re not running a fever, are you?” Hajime sighed once more, deciding to lift a hand off Nagito’s shoulder to press the back of his hand to his forehead. Someone had to check on him. Hajime was the unfortunate one stuck with the job. He tried to ignore how Nagito looked at him when he did that. Well, it wasn’t a fever. Nagito’s forehead wasn’t warm, but Hajime was sure his own face had heated up a bit. Awkward. He retracted his hand, and unsure where to place it, he let it rest at his side.
“Oh, so I can’t be struck by lightning… I see. Not today, at least. I suppose that’d just be too quick, anyways. Over in a flash! Hmmm… Still, there are just so many possibilities!” Nagito exclaimed. He was crazed, enthusiastic beyond any sort of reasonable level. All Hajime had done was lean in for a peck on the lips. He wondered if he should have expected this sort of reaction from Nagito, but any sort of predictions involving him were doomed to fail.
“Possibilities for what? What the hell are you talking about?” Hajime demanded.
“My suffering, of course! The most wonderful fortune eventually gives way to the lowest despair! This is one of those highs, it has to be! You… you kissed me! Nothing good could possibly come of this… Tomorrow, I'll surely wake up to find my cottage aflame!”
“Are you– are you crazy or something? Actually, no, don’t bother answering. But seriously, you think that me kissing you is going to… to burn your house down?” Hajime asked, dumbfounded, baffled, flabbergasted, bewildered, floored.
“That’s what I said,” Nagito repeated with a calm smile and nod, as if he had said the most natural thing. The sky is blue, Nagito’s hoodie has a stupid hem, and kisses burn down houses. “Well, that was just an example, anyway. Even that might be insufficient misfortune. Everything good has to be followed by something equally bad. That’s how it plays out.”
Hajime, exhaustion growing with each ridiculous word that fell out of Nagito’s mouth, grabbed the front of the other’s shirt and kissed him again, for longer than before. When he pulled back, he looked him in the eye. His own attempt at trying to be cool only made his face flush. He had no way of knowing if it was worse than Nagito’s. He decided that knowledge wasn’t worth acquiring, mostly to save his already plummeting self-image.
“Haha! Wow… You know, if you keep doing that, I'll surely die in some tragic accident, and you’d be the blackened for it. Ah, but how dull that trial would be. You’d be the only suspect, alone with me at the time of my death! How obvious would that be? Come on, if you want me dead, I'm sure we could plan something better!”
“Holy shit. Listen, dude, I'm not claiming to be an expert, but there’s no way that’s something you say after someone kisses you.” was what Hajime really, really wanted to say. It’d match the usual horrified expression he responded to Nagito with. Unfortunately, he knew it was futile. If Nagito had made it this far and was still like this, then he probably wasn’t that receptive to others’ thoughts on his habits.
“Please stop talking…” Hajime grumbled. “Besides, your whole premise is flawed. I'm not spending time with you because I spin a wheel or whatever. It’s not luck.”
“Oh? Are you spending time with me because you want to be around me? No, that can’t be it. Hmm… Do you visit everyone in rotation? Is it a routine? Or maybe it’s because our cottages are only two down from each other?” he considered, looking to the side as he worked out possible reasons.
“No, that’s not– I’m here because I–”
Part of Hajime really, really didn’t want to say it. But Nagito’s self-deprecation was just too infuriating. Hajime firmly grabbed him by the shoulders once more, though he didn’t shake him nearly as forcefully. He wanted to, of course. But he resisted.
“I'm not here because it’s convenient or routine or anything. I just wanted to talk to you,” he admitted. “Don’t be weird about it.”
“I'll try!” Nagito chirped. He sat, uncannily quiet, simply beaming at Hajime with bright, attentive eyes. His head was tilted slightly to the side. Hajime felt like some sort of animal in a zoo being watched through the glass.
“...Are you going to say anything else?” Hajime eventually asked, after an awkward silence.
“I’ve got nothing normal for you. Sorry!” Nagito continued grinning. Hajime wondered why he bothered inviting him over. How could his curiosity push him this far, past the headaches and exhaustion that always seemed to be inherent side effects of talking to Nagito?
“I guess I should have expected that…” he conceded, sighing again. “Does all of your thinking revolve around your luck, though? Not everything in life is just chance.”
“The very electrons in every atom in your body, in every single thing you see, are described as existing in probability clouds. That’s our understanding of them. Everything in life is built on chance,” Nagito quickly replied, as if it were an answer he’d frequently rehearsed. “That’s just how it is.”
“...Huh? That’s stupid,” Hajime said flatly, responding just as quickly as Nagito had. The words were a natural reply to him by now. "It wasn’t luck that got you a second kiss. I did that so you’d shut up about your luck," he confessed, if only to spite Nagito.
It worked, because he stopped talking. He didn’t even need a third kiss to do it. Still, he felt uneasy. Nagito was smiling, and Hajime couldn’t tell if it was an ‘I'm evilly scheming’ smile or a ‘I'm fawning over you’ smile. He wasn’t too fond of either possibility.
“You’re not going to change my entire outlook on life with just a few kisses,” Nagito said after a long pause, shaking his head. He was still smiling, to the point where it was almost eerie.
“Just shut up,” Hajime replied, leaning in again. He stubbornly accepted the challenge, and even though it almost felt like he was playing right into his hands, he couldn’t bring himself to give up on Nagito. Of course he couldn’t change a thing about him, but what was the harm in hoping he could understand him just a little better?