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The airport is filled with people hugging each other. Some are saying goodbye with tearful eyes and some are smiling for reuniting with their loved one. Matthew sighs as he tries to find the exit with his bag and two suitcases weighting him down. He should have payed a moving truck to get them to his place like his sister suggested. He's regretting his decision now. At least he won't have to carry them on his own for long. Speaking of, he finally stepped outside and started looking for-

"Matthew!" he heard someone screaming and a smile formed on his face immediately. He walked faster, the thrill making him almost forget all the weight he was dragging with him. 

"Jiwoongie hyung!" he let go of the suitcases and hugged his hyung tightly. Oh how he missed him. It felt like no time had passed at all but at the same time like it's been an entire lifetime since he last saw him. Since he last saw everyone. 

"I missed you so much. How have you been? No wait don't tell me yet let's go first." Matthew laughed at how excited Jiwoong looked and spoke. He really must have missed him. Matthew regrets not texting him more often.

The older took the 2 suitcases and they headed towards the car. Inside the car they played some music and let the comfortable silence take over. He was half excited and half nervous. 

"I hope you actually like the place. Me and Taerae tried very hard to find something you'll like that's also in your budget. The neighbourhood is also good. And the best thing? It's close to my apartment." he said playfully and Matthew laughed. That's definitely a good thing. Being close to his friend is always a pro.

The car finally came to a stop after an hour or so. The building looked relatively new, with just 6 floors. He knew the apartment was one the 4th floor, as he had specifically said not on the first floor but also not on the highest either. They probably kind of hated him for this niche requirement but he had his reasons. 

Here we go then.

Matthew was always a realistic person, but that didn't stop him from dreaming. He thought that, as long as he tried his best he could achieve anything. And he was right. He debuted in a successful group, with his best friend and 7 other amazing people. They didn't try to sell their bond as something that it wasn't. They were genuinely so close and like a real found family. He had a special relationship with all of them. All of them so different but it was like they completed each other. 

For two and a half years, at least. They had hope. Hope they could make it work for longer, because they really wanted to. It wasn't just about keep working as an idol, it was about them. They just made sense together. But of course it wasn't the members that called the shots. It was the companies. And while some of them were down to negotiate, eventually they couldn't settle and the disbandment had a set date. 

Some of them debuted in a group again, some of them became soloists or took a different path and some kept a more low-key profile. Matthew chose the last one. It really was his choice. He loved his job and he loved his members, but after the group he needed a small break. And then some. And suddenly 3 years had passed and he hadn't stepped a foot on stage. He had taken jobs like MCing, radio hosting and being a guest on variety shows. His dedicated fans missed his singing and dancing but they were happy they could at least see him. Being a cute foreigner that chose not to filter himself made him quite famous, hence why he became a radio host. Until he got tired. He started missing his home and his dog and his family a little too much. So 3 years after the disbandment and while he was at the peak of his new career, he decided to take a small break and go back to Canada. At least that's what he announced to the outside world. But he knew better than that. 

Jiwoong had gone back to acting and continued as a soloist. After Zerobaseone, producers and directors kept calling to get a chance to work with him. Well, not much is needed to say here. He's still very successful. He reunited with Gyuvin on a show, where Gyuvin made a cameo for just for his beloved hyung.

Speaking of Gyuvin. Everyone kept telling him he should definitely pick up acting and thankfully he did. He quickly became famous for his visuals but then, as he took on more diverse roles, he solidified himself in the acting industry. We lost another idol to the "idol to actor epidemic", is what a lot of people online said and it was funny because it was true. Gyuvin knew it was just a joke so he found it amusing rather than insulting for being grouped in an "epidemic". 

Taerae was another successful member of the group after the disbandment. Evnne had also disbanded by then so, as planned, the WakeOne boys debuted together. Their debut song became a hit and suddenly the general public was very interested in them. Of course they were very talented, but WakeOne isn't really the most ideal company to promote their groups, so the success was purely on the members and their fans for promoting them (A/N: im projecting my thoughts on this piece). 

Hao became a soloist, taking Korea by a storm. Not many soloists become extremely famous after disbandment but this is Zhang Hao we're talking about. Of course he's different and of course he made everyone fall in love with him. 

Ricky started modelling in Korea and in China, without letting go off his first love. Singing was always his passion so he kept pursuing it. He was more famous in China (famous is an understatement), but he was still successful in Korea. He even collaborated with Hao, for old time's sake and obviously the fans loved it. They went on Matthew's radio show and the three of them had a blast airing each other's business 2 years after going their separate ways.

Yujinie debuted with the newest group from his company with a fresh concept that suited him. Even though he wasn't the youngest member now, the public and, honestly, everyone around him still treated him like a baby. Once the maknae, always the maknae or whatever Hanbin had said when he heard the news.

Uh, Hanbin. Sung Hanbin. If Matthew cared about it-boys or whatever they're called he's confident he'd fight people online about why Hanbin is the it boy of his generation. And honestly people couldn't really fight back. There wasn't anything not to love about him. He still does everything. Singing, dancing, Mcing. He finally was able to incorporate his tutting and waacking in his dancing and people fell even harder for him, seeing how he's perfect in everything he does.

And then there's Gunwook. Matthew doesn't like thinking about him, so he has muted his name in every platform he's on. It doesn't really help though, not when Gunwook is still extremely famous and successful and beautiful and perfect and yeah Matthew doesn't like talking about him. The rest of the boys know this too so they never bring him up, even though he knows they all still hang out with him when they have the time. He appreciates the effort.

The apartment was just perfect for one person. The living room connected with the kitchen, a bathroom and one bedroom. The washing machine did not fit in the bathroom so he had to put in the balcony, but that's okay, he has an excuse to open the window and let the sun rays enter the house. It took him a while to want to see the sun again, so when times get difficult, he'll have no choice but to open the window. It may sound silly to most people, but it works for Matthew and that's all that matters. 

Taerae was waiting for them inside the house. His house. The exchange was filled with laughter and tight hugs. He had missed his same-age friend more than he thought he would miss him before leaving. He couldn't afford thinking about that back then though. He had to put himself first. Even if, after 2 years, he doesn't know if that choice was the right one after all. He doesn't regret it though. Everything happens for a reason, or whatever.

Soon after, Jiwoong had to leave for a shooting so, with the promise to meet up as soon as possible, he said goodbye to his hyung. 

"Didn't you say you had plans today? Did you cancel for me, jagiya?" Matthew said teasingly at Taerae who gave him an unimpressive look. So this is what happens when someone gets in a relationship, huh? You can't even call your best friend your honey. God forbid a guy has hobbies.

"I didn't cancel for you, Hanbin is coming to pick me up in 30 minutes or something. And do not call me jagiya in front of him, i don't want to hear him nagging me for the rest of the day. I, also, do not want to sleep on the floor again." 

"On the floor..again..?" Matthew said questionably.

"I'm a charming man what can I say? Hanbin gets jealous and he's too cute for me to say anything." he says with a smile and Matthew is already disgusted. Yeah he hates couples that's for sure.

"Don't you have your own bed at the dorms? Why the fuck are you sleeping on the floor?"

Taerae looked at him like he grew a second head "Do you want to end my relationship or what? Don't say that in front of him or i'll kill you. You listen to Park Hanbin if you want to live, Matt." he said like it was the most natural thing in the world. Matthew doesn't know what kind of weird dynamic they have and he honestly doesn't want to know. Taerae looks happy so he won't pry more.

The time passes by quickly and the bell suddenly rang. Taerae got up quickly and opened the door. Is this his house or what?

"Seok Matthew!" was all he heard before Hanbin stormed in and tackled him on the sofa. "Ya! How many years has it been? You haven't changed at all, you're still so cute." Taerae coughed in the back and both boys laughed. 

They talked for a couple of minutes, but they had to go quickly because they had made a reservation. 

"Text me when you're free, jagiya." said Matthew before closing the door and he immediately heard Taerae squeaking and Hanbin gasping. Matthew laughed loudly as he walked back in to his house and laid down on the sofa. 

The silence immediately took over the place and the only thing he could hear was his own breath. He started doing some breathing exercises that his doctor had taught him for when he needed to relax. It didn't take long for him to fall asleep for the first time in his new home. 

"Just stop for a little bit, baby, please. What are you even doing, i don't get it."

"Let me go, Gunwook. I said i'm packing my bags and leaving. I already told you, what the fuck don't you understand?"

"But why? That was so sudden- what do you mean you're breaking up with me? Matthew what happened, did i do something wrong, please tell me. Matthew, please."

"Stop. Stop fucking calling my name and stop talking to me. And for fuck's sake stop messing up my bag. Leave me alone, you're tiring me out Gunwook."

"I'm tiring you out? Me? Matthew i know you don't mean this, we were just fine a couple of days ago, what happened so suddenly?"

"You. You were fine Gunwook. Not me. I was putting on a front for you, but i got tired. Stop trying to tell me what i feel. You don't know shit. Now leave."

"Thank you for your hard work. I'll see you next week." Matthew shook the manager's hand and left with a smile. It had been just over a month since he came back to Korea and word had already spread in the industry. Two years had passed but people still missed Matthew and still talked about him, so a couple directors had already contacted him. Everything sounded great but at the end he knew what he wanted. From everything he did after the group, his radio hosting job was his favourite so of course he chose to start with that. Something safe and something he was somewhat confident in. 

In the 30 days back to Korea he managed to meet up with his best friend Hanbin briefly, since the latter had to practice day and night for his upcoming schedules in Japan. He was happy for him but he was also sad that he didn't get to see him for longer after 2 years of just texting and calling. He still sent him off with a smile and gave him his word he'll still be here when he comes back to Korea. Matthew wasn't going anywhere anymore. He's here to stay. 

The days passed by dully. He signed with a new company and met his new manager that would handle all the procedures of his comeback in the public eye. All Matthew had to do is be pretty and stay out of trouble. Both very easy tasks for him. He was now just 1 year away from entering his 30s, way past his reckless days when he was young and ready to explore the world. Sometimes he wishes he didn't have to lose the endearing naivety that comes with young age but life had other plans for him. Plans he wasn't informed about and he didn't ask for. Plans that ruined his past and haunt his present.

"So what you're saying is that you kissed him drunk? You. kissed. him. drunk."

"Can you stop laughing, oh my god, you're embarrassing me. Are you sure you're my friend?" Taerae's face was bright red so he hid behind his boyfriend's shoulder who was also laughing. 

"Hey, he was cute, i personally found it endearing. I was wondering when he'd finally confess so we could finally move forward." 

"Yeah and he chose to do it after winning your first major MAMA award, piss drunk, in front of all those innocent eyes that didn't ask for that kind of PDA. Who would have thought though, our nonchalant Kim Taerae getting drunk and confessing his love in front of other people. I guess you are a romanticist after all, huh?" Matthew said after calming down a little bit. Oh he'll never let Taerae live this one down. 

"I regret telling you this. I fear you'll never stop bringing it up." the blonde one said and ate a little bit more of his pizza. Home-cooked thank you very much, Matthew is almost a chef at this point. Everyone he cooked for since coming back was scared at first, but then were pleasantly surprised to realise everything was good, normal food. 

He was at home with Taerae and Hanbin once again. Before coming back he didn't think he'd see Hanbin more than his other friends, but he realised they actually click very well, more than he remembered from all those years ago. Also, the two boyfriends are attached to the hip, something that, at the beginning, people thought was their honeymoon phase. To everyone's displeasure, 2 years later nothing has really changed. 

"I can't believe my Mashu has cooked this. I thought you'd feed us some chicken with, peanut butter or something." Taerae said and Matthew gave him a strange look "Actually, that's a good comb-" 

"Not another word, please. I just complimented you. Don't make me take it back." Matthew rolled his eyes. Everyone around him never appreciated his creativity enough. Well. Almost everyone, at least. Matthew shakes his head to get the thought out of his brain. Not the time. He can think about this when he's alone in bed and miserable. Not in front of his friends.

"I still get shivers from that chicken and mint choco combination you made me try all those years ago. Do you remember that? I almost started praying to god that day. Remember Gyuvin?" he said while laughing "We had to physically stop him from leaving because he was terrified. It made me realise how strong he is if he puts his muscles to use, even Gunwook couldn't sto-" he abruptly stopped his sentence. Now this was awkward. Matthew immediately thought of Gunwook when Taerae brought up the chicken live. He remembers that day. How Gunwook gave up because he was whining and did whatever Matthew wanted. Because of course he did. He did everything Matthew wanted. 

"Matthew, i'm..." he trailed off, not sure what to say. Sorry? That would make it worse. It's not like he did anything actually wrong. He was right. This happened and Gunwook was there. Gunwook was always there, glued to Matthew's side. There aren't many stories you could share about Matthew's past without bringing up Gunwook. 

"It's okay." he said with a stiff smile. He didn't want to make his friend feel bad, but he also couldn't bring himself to completely lie. He'd done that for years now. He's kind of exhausted. "It's not like you did anything wrong." he got up to get the plates of finished pizza and put them in the kitchen's sink. "It's really okay, Taerae. Let's not make this awkward." his friend still looked apologetic, while Hanbin was looking away not sure if he should even be here at this moment. Taerae must have told him something, given the fact he immediately tensed up too at the mention of Gunwook. But he wasn't there, so trying to say something right now would not be a good choice.

"I said it without realising it. I'll be more careful." Matthew needed him out of the house right now. He hated this. Careful? He hated this. hated. hated. Hated.

He isn't a child that can't handle a fucking break up that happened more than 2 years ago. He doesn't want them to be careful or always thinking about not upsetting Matthew.

"I said i am fine Taerae. Stop this." he says with his back still turned. He didn't even realise he started doing the dishes, in hope to make his hands stop trembling. It didn't really work but he didn't want the two men to know the mess that was his happening in his brain right now. "Actually, i think you should leave. My manager told me they needed me at the company today. It completely slipped my mind." they actually needed him in the office tomorrow, but given the situation right now, he'll need at least 24 hours to calm down. And then some more. He loved his friends that's why they should leave now. Matthew will calm down and everything will be okay again. He just needs to be alone right now. He and his thoughts. 

His original plan was to get back on stage after a while. He could continue being a regular on variety shows and even keep his radio hosting job while working on his solo debut. He was excited about it. He enjoyed keeping a low profile and taking a break from the torturous practice but his body itched to be on stage again. Singing and dancing in front of his fans was his dream. So he started preparing. 2 years into his new career he was ready to release his own music. The process was slow and hard because Matthew wanted to participate in creating the music, he wanted it to be authentic to him. There were many restless nights in his studio, stressed and mad that he couldn't convey what he had in mind in his music. But it was okay. Because at the end, almost 8 months in, he made it. A mini album as his solo debut full of 6 beautiful Matthew-written songs. Sure, they weren't the most mind blowing, genius pieces of art the earth had ever seen, but they were his. They were Matthew's children and he was proud of himself. 

He quickly started practicing the choreography just in time to shoot the music video. Everything was set and he was even hinting something here and there at the radio. He loved seeing his fans going crazy online, making speculations about when he'll debut. Because it was a matter of when and not if. Everyone knew Matthew loved the stage and the stage loved him back, making him shine and looking almost otherworldly. Seok Matthew was made for the stage and the stage was made just for him. 

Or Matthew was too cocky. Over confident. Maybe he didn't give enough credit to the stage? Was this its revenge? This was ridiculous to say the least. So that's why he was looking angrily at his manager while lying in the hospital bed. "Why am i even here? It's not the first time i get injured and it definitely won't be the last one. Isn't this too much? Let's just spray my ankle, wrap it up and it'll heal in no time." he almost sounded like a child with the way he was whining but he didn't care. The announcement for his debut was around the corner, he couldn't afford to spend any second not practicing. This needed to be perfect and his manager not letting him leave the hospital made this harder and more stressful. He'll get his way eventually, why is this even happening? 

"Matthew. Stop whining. The doctor will have the results soon and if everything is actually okay we will leave and you'll continue your practicing as soon as possible. Stop making this more difficult than it already is. The company's trainer said you should go the hospital just in case, so we're here. Me and you don't know any better than a professional so stop. talking." he said in a definitive voice and walked a little further away, so if Matthew wanted to speak to him he'd have to raise his voice. Matthew definitely didn't want to cause any disturbance in the hospital so, with a huff, he turned away. "Seok Matthew-ssi?" he heard his name and turned around. A doctor was there with what looked like his medical info in his hands and a serious look on his face. He hesitantly raised his hand while looking back and forth from the doctor to his manager. "Please follow me at my office please."

"Is the company overworking you baby? Why are you limping?" Gunwook said with concern in his voice. He immediately helped Matthew with his coat and then leading him to the sofa.

"No don't worry this happens all the time. Plus it's been a while since i danced so hard Wookie, i am not surprised. It's not anything serious." Matthew tries to sound as convincing as possible, hoping that Gunwook will believe him. The downside of your boyfriend loving you too much is that your boyfriend loves you too much. Being together for more than four and a half years now and knowing each other for even longer isn't ideal when you're trying to lie. People would tell him that he shouldn't lie and he shouldn't hide something so big from his boyfriend, and he wouldn't have anything to say back to them. So, Matthew of course has told no one. The only ones that know are his manager and his company. He hasn't even told his family yet, scared they'll fly in Korea immediately and make a scene. He doesn't blame them, he'd probably do the same for them, but he doesn't want to scare them. 

"You should take care of yourself though. Do you want me to massage you?" before he even gets to touch him Matthew flinches away. Gunwook's hand is still in the air not sure how to react. "Sorry. I just don't need a massage. I told you it's okay, you don't have to overreact." he didn't want to be mean, but he still didn't want to worry his boyfriend. It's best if he's a little meaner, as long as he doesn't scare him. He'll be okay- eventually. 

"I already told you i can't, Wookie. I'm very tired today."

"I haven't seen you in 4 days, baby. We literally live in the same building just a floor apart. Isn't it ridiculous that i can't see my boyfriend under these conditions? We don't even have to do anything, i just want to be in the same room as you. We don't even have to talk."

"You're being too much right now. Please respect my space. I'll see you when i have time." Matthew hang up the phone irritated. But that quickly changed to guilt. He's not being fair to his boyfriend and he knows it. He misses Gunwook. He misses him so much, god knows how much he wants to stay in his arms and tell him everything and just cry it all out. But he can't do that. It's not fair. Gunwook shouldn't have to shoulder his problems. And Matthew knows he would. If he told him about his injury and how serious it is he'd stress even more than the older man. He'd drop everything to make sure Matthew gets better as soon as possible and with as little pain as possible. So he stays quiet. He told his sister when she visited Korea for work a couple of days ago and made her promise to keep it a secret. He's still figuring everything out with his company.  

That's why he's on edge and he should probably call Gunwook back and tell him he's sorry and he misses him. So he did. And they're okay again, of course, because the younger is an angel. An angel Matthew doesn't deserve, but tries to hold onto desperately with fear. He's not scared about himself, no of course not. He doesn't deserve to think about himself when it's his actions and his carelessness that created this situation. People would tell him that it's not his fault and things like these can happen, no matter how careful you are. But again- people don't know. So people can't comfort him. So Matthew stays in his head again, with guilt, darkness and just a tiny Gunwook-shaped light to keep everything from driving him completely to madness.

"Matthew-ssi. I told you to take care of it, didn't i? That's why you should have agreed immediately when i said we should have the surgery. Because if you didn't care for it, it'd get worse. And it did. I'm sorry but it turned from a grade 2 to a grade 3 ligament sprain on your ankle. This is why you're in so much pain and why it has swelled so much. We have almost no choice right now. I'm very sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Matthew-ssi."

"No...I...No it's- it's okay you're just doing your job. Well.. uhm what are we supposed to do now? How do we move forward?"

"It's up to you. We can start the treatment here, but you did tell me your family is in Canada, right? This will be a long and difficult process, most people want to be with their families. I wouldn't blame you for wanting to go back."

"Yeah, i mean, i guess. But i do have people here, my friends, my bo-"

"It's different once we start. Friends are a nice supportive system, but there's so much they can offer. So much support they can give you. Do you understand what i am trying to say?"

"Yes. I understand. You're right. What do i have to do if i want to go to Canada then?"

"What? What do you mean you're leaving Seokmae?"

"I'm sorry hyung, i know it's very sudden. I just need a break. I miss my family too much, you know?"

"Okay, Matthew. I understand, it's okay. Don't cry." 

"What about Gunwook?"

"I broke up with him. "

"...That's all you're going to say? What do you mean 'you broke up with him'? What did you tell him to end this because he sure as hell wouldn't end this relationship because of long distance."

"I told him the truth, Jiwoongie hyung. That i'm tired of the relationship and i want it to end. I still love him but as a friend. He can't really fight my feelings you know."

"Matthew. I don't know why you're doing this. But i don't buy it. I won't force you to say anything though. But i won't sugarcoat this either. You broke his heart. He's broken right now. He's confused and doesn't understand what's going on. And you might try to hide it, but i know you better than that. You're hurting too. Whenever you're ready you know you have me to talk to. Judgement free zone and everything. Take care in Canada, okay? And when you're ready i'll be right here waiting for you. We all will be." 

"Please don't hate me too Taerae."

Canada was...interesting to say the least. His family was scared but also mad that Matthew kept something so big from them. A couple of crying sessions later, he was finally ready to visit the doctor. Everything happened very privately, not wanting the news to leave the confines of his immediate family. Matthew was back because he was homesick. He doesn't want to meet because he's also working on his music. He is resting. He is spending time with his dog. After a while people stopped asking. He was relieved. He was already lying to his friends in Korea, he couldn't do more than that. 

People don't really tell you how emotionally draining recovery is. Yeah they say it's hard and difficult but why don't they talk about how it makes you so angry? He was angry at himself, the physical therapist, the family member that accompanied him each day. The world. He was angry that even after 3 months, his ankle still hurt and it still wouldn't cooperate with him fully. He felt so bad for his family, for having to see this ugly side of him, but he felt that if he didn't express the frustration he'd go mad.  

It was days like those that he reassured himself. you did good for leaving. you did good for not saying anything. you had to do this for him. he'd have suffered with you. he'd have given you all his time and energy, keeping none for himself. this is the best decision. break up, go away. fix yourself. let him hate you. move on.

If you asked Matthew he'd tell you that he has no idea how 2 years passed. The first year was full of rehab for his ankle, tears and fights with his physical therapist. Nice guy but unfortunate enough to have a depressed, freshly broken up gay kpop idol as his patient. The second year was also full of therapy- psychological. After he started walking normally okay, he realised how this ruined his mental state entirely. He had made rush decisions, he had bottled things up, given up his career (hopefully temporarily), he left his life behind. And then he had to go through a very serious surgery and spend close to a year focusing solely on going back to normal. It all messed him up more than he thought it would. So therapy was 100% needed. It helped him realise many things and recognise his mistakes. His many mistakes. He went outside and genuinely smiled after what felt like forever. And then he went home, cried in secret, begging for Gunwook to stop appearing in his dreams. Or more like that day to stop appearing in his dreams. 

It had been 5 months since he came back to Korea. His comeback on the radio was a hit, his dedicated fans crying from enjoyment and his more casuals fans that enjoyed his work excited to have him back. He said sorry that the break took longer than what was expected, smiled and most people forgave him. Matthew was a smart person; overshare dumb things so people forget they don't actually know much about you was his motto in life and it has always worked so far. So he didn't really have to explain what happened during those 2 years that he basically disappeared from the public eye, as long as he was distracting everyone with ridiculous random stories and fact about Canada. Everything worked out. 

Taerae didn't say anything but he knew he met with Gunwook a couple of times. He saw the instagram stories, both of them happily posing for a selfie. He wasn't mad or anything, it would be stupid to tell his best friend to not meet his own friend just because what? He was and still is Matthew's forever love? That would be immature. Plus his friends don't need to know that he still thinks about how Gunwook's skin felt against his, how his smile healed something inside him even when he hadn't seen it in more than 2 years, how, if he tried hard enough, he could still feel his hands on his waist, his hot breath on his neck and the sweet pain down his back where they connected and became one. Yeah, they definitely didn't need to know all that. It's been so long that he's been feeling like this that it has become a part of him now. Seok Matthew, 29, former members of Zerobaseone, current radio host, still madly in love with ex bandmate that he broke up with because he didn't want to negatively affect his life with his life altering injury. It's simple really. 

Gunwook definitely knows he's back. He remembers, about 2 months ago, someone had asked Gunwook on a live if they met since Matthew came back to Korea and Gunwook calmly said that they couldn't find a time that worked for both of them. Matthew unfortunately found out because his fans told him about it. He acted cool and confirmed what the younger boy said, trying to look collected and not like he just found out Gunwook said his name again through his fans because he still has his name muted everywhere. Cool, cool. He was very normal about it (he unmuted Gunwook's name after that, and watched the video of Gunwook talking about him and saying his name over and over again which dragged him down a rabbit hole of searching everything his ex was up to lately. And a little before that. And some more).

So yeah it's safe to say they both know and they both know the other knows but he's glad nothing has happened. He was scared if he's being honest that Gunwook would try to communicate with him after finding out. When Matthew left for Canada he hadn't stop texting and calling him, resulting in Matthew blocking his number and his Kakaotalk. He had unblocked him when he came back to Korea and saw many messages coming through from years ago. That was ugly. He had to cancel his schedules for the next 2 days giving the excuse of a very nasty stomach bug. He didn't tell anyone, not even his sister. He thought about texting his therapist but decided against it knowing she'd just tell him what he did was wrong and that they should have a therapy session soon. He didn't need it. He was okay, really, sometimes you just want to cry for 48 hours straight thinking about the love of your life and how he hates you now because you were stupid and pushed him away while breaking his heart in the process. But he was okay. From all the media he consumed of Gunwook he saw him smiling and having fun so he was glad he was happy and moved on from his stupid ex. That's all he wanted after all. For Gunwook to be happy, away from the sadness, stress and ugliness Matthew had to offer for 2 years. 

It started like any other day. He woke up early in the morning, got ready and drove himself to work. He had approximately 2 hours before he was live to memorise today's topic list and see who his guests would be. Last week's guests were very fun and full of energy so he wanted something more calming this week. He was playing a game on his phone while waiting for the staff to hand him the script with the guest's name, info and questions that were approved from both parties.

He genuinely wishes he never got handed that goddamn script. Because there, with big bold letters sat the name he dreaded. Park Gunwook.

It felt like it was mocking him. Staring back at him, unmoving and unchanging, no matter how intensely Matthew was looking at it so the name changed. It didn't work. "Gunwook?" he asked his manager who gave him a smile. "Yeah he is having a comeback and they reached out to us. Isn't amazing? He's very famous now and when the fans see you two together again they'll lose their minds. It'll be perfect." Matthew was pretty sure he was going to lose his mind. What the fuck is going on. This isn't supposed to be happening. Matthew is supposed to live his life in misery, never given the honour of seeing or talking to Gunwook again, and even if he did see him it'd be from far away, at an event or a music award show. Not face to face, just the two of them, talking for the whole world to see. What the fuck. And why the fuck did Gunwook accept this? Why did he agree? There's no way he has no power, if he wanted to he could say no, right? So why didn't he.

Matthew got up and stormed out of his changing room. He knows this is a bad idea, seeing Gunwook in this emotional state, but he needs to know what's going on. He goes straight to the changing room that is always reserved for the guests and opens it without knocking. They can write articles about him being a bitch later for all he cares. 

And there he is. Sitting on his chair, head lowered down looking at his phone, while the staff is getting him ready. Park Gunwook.

Almost like he felt something shifting in the air, he lifted his head and locked eyes with Matthew through the mirror. It almost felt like time froze around him. He couldn't hear or see anything except from him. Still the same person, just a little older. Still the prettiest man Matthew had laid eyes on.

But as soon as it happened the moment was gone, Gunwook lowering his head back to his phone like nothing happened. 

"Gunwook-ah" he whispered almost breathless, not sure if this was real or not. The staff around him bowed and he thinks he did the same, he's not sure, he doesn't know what's going on except that he's here. in front of me right now. He saw his fingers pausing mid air above his phone. He heard him. Matthew was scared that he wouldn't acknowledge him but he was even more scared that he would. He saw him putting his phone down and saying something to the make up artist and the hairdresser. They both looked at him briefly before nodding and stepping away. He got up and finally finally looked straight at Matthew. And Matthew is glad he came here, because he knows he wouldn't be able to handle seeing him again for the first time while he was live, the cameras rolling and the mics ready to pick up every hitch of his breath and wavering of his words.

"Hi Matthew hyung." simple. Calm. If someone didn't know Gunwook they would think everything was normal. But Gunwook never called him Matthew hyung, always choosing one of the two and he only furrowed his eyebrows when something bothered him and picked the skin around his nails when he was thinking too much and needed something to distract him. "It's been a while."

"What are you..why are you.." Matthew couldn't finish his sentence. They had excused themselves and gone outside where no one could see or hear them. Being alone with Gunwook was like a death sentence for him, his body burning and his insides feeling like they wanted to crawl out of him to hide.

"Why am i here? I'm dropping a new album. Solo. It's a famous radio show and my manager told me it'd be a good opportunity, so i decided to take it. Why?" He sounded so calm, too calm that it almost ticked Matthew off. But he collected himself. This is what you wanted. For him to move on and not care about you anymore. This is good, why are you mad?

"I just. I wasn't expecting this to be honest. I didn't think you'd want to see me after-" he stopped himself, unable to say it.

"After you told me you didn't love me and break up with me out of the blue, leaving me behind with no other explanation? Yeah, i get why you'd think that. But i've moved on and you have too- oh wait. My bad, you weren't in love with me that's why we broke up right? Yeah, so i don't see what the issue is." he said everything like it wasn't a big deal, like it didn't break Matthew all over again. He almost felt his ankle itching, wobbling all of a sudden taking him back to 2 and a half years ago. He felt like he was going to stumble and fall on the ground, back to the rock bottom that was his injury and his depression. The uncertainty, the fear, the anger, the desperation and the heartbreak. 

Gunwook didn't love him anymore. His words carried a venom that Matthew felt like he deserved even though it pained him. It's okay. That's what he wanted. It's okay.

"Okay Gunwook. How do you want me to act? Should we be friendly? I'll do what you want." Matthew wasn't sure if he could act normal but if that's what Gunwook wanted, he'd try. However, the look he received in return made him shiver and he almost stopped breathing. Gunwook looked at him like he hated him, like he'd rather be anywhere else  but here right now. "Just do what you think is right. I won't stop you. You're good at lying after all." without waiting for Matthew's response he turned away and walked back inside, thankfully unaware that Matthew's eyes were filled with tears by now.  

Matthew agrees. He's good at lying. Lying that he's okay, that he's just tired and wants a break, that he's going to Canada to unwind. But he knows he's good at lying especially because he convinced Gunwook he didn't love him. Didn't love him back then and didn't love him now. Among everything-the break, Canada, the injury, his depression- the biggest and most ridiculous lie was that his heart could ever stop belonging to Gunwook. So yeah, Matthew is good at lying, even if it's at his own expense. 

The radio show started as normal. He talked about that day's topics, he read and replied at listeners' live comments, played some music, the usual. He knew that after the 3rd song he'd have to introduce today's guest and welcome him warmly. His voice and expressions had to be normal for the microphone picking up live everything and for the camera when the episode would go up on youtube with visuals later. "And that was Kai sunbaenim's Rover, to bring some nostalgia of the early 2020s back. I am curious what you guys were doing back in 2023. I know exactly where i was though.. Yes, yes in Boys Planet- wow i haven't said that in so long. 2023 was a magical year for me to be honest... Not only for me however. I have a guest today that may share the same sentiment as me about 2023. Or..about survival shows..or even more. Who do you think our guest for today is?" he tries to sound upbeat and teasing, praying no one will figure out he's one second away from vomiting and having a breakdown right here right now. 

"You are going crazy in the comments so let me bring them in. Let's welcome someone that i shared many experiences and made many memories with- the one and only Park Gunwook." there's clapping in the background as Gunwook sits down and quickly puts his headphones on. His grim expression changes to one with a smile that Matthew stared for too long at. "Hello everyone. I am Park Gunwook, i am looking forward to being here today." he says everything without even looking at Matthew once, something that the older one feels he deserves. Gunwook should take advantage of whatever promotion this radio show could offer him and not care about Matthew. "Wow the comments are going wild right now." he says teasingly and Matthew doesn't know how to react so he chuckles awkwardly.

He felt a crisis coming if he didn't get ahold of the situation right now, so he talked before the younger one could "Wow, i guess you guys have missed us more than i thought. Please then Gunwook, tell us how you've been." 

The conversation went smoothly from then on- as smoothly as a conversation between exes that one hates the other but the other one is actually in love and they were in a group together and they were roommates and now they're doing a radio show together as a host and guest after 2 years of no communication because of a very ugly breakup. People can't possibly realise all of this, right? Maybe they'll just think they're awkward because they have drifted apart lately. Matthew prays they'll stop speculating after reaching that conclusion. After the very smooth conversation it was finally time for promotion time.

"Okay so, Gunwook i think there's a reason you're here today right? Please tell us about your album that is on the way." 

"Right! I am releasing a new album in 2 weeks, called Linear and it'll be out March 14th. It is a RnB heavy album with beautiful instrumentals and lyrics. I was, once again, part of the producing and songwriting process so i am very proud of this album. The concept is grief- not actual grief but the storm of feelings you have after a breakup. Each song represents a stage of the grieving process that's why there are 5 songs." Matthew was stunned for a moment, too in his head about who did Gunwook love so much that he wrote an entire album about them, making him feel like he's grieving?

"...Right! Oh, uhm- wow. That sounds so interesting. So what's the title song?" 

"It's actually the last track in the album. It's called It's okay and, like i said, because every song represents a grieving stage, this song is about acceptance." it felt like he was mocking the host. He was looking at him dead in the eyes waiting for a reaction. "Oh, so it's like It's okay that we broke up, let's both accept this-" Gunwook laughing made him stop. "No, no, no. Who said anything about accepting the other person? It's more like you broke my heart, i went through all of this on my own, i came out the other side stronger, so you can stay there all alone and miserable. Something among those lines." he cocked his head after saying that, waiting for Matthew's response. This feels targeted. Is it targeted. It can't be, he has moved on why would he write an entire album about me 2 years later? 

Realising that he hadn't said anything he panicked "Okay, that sounded interesting. I was trying to make it make sense in my head. That's promising. So, tell me for our last break what song should we play right now?" he's pretty sure the directors will scold him later for being so messy and his comment so forced but he can't be bothered right now. The moment he plays the song he takes the headphones off and excuses himself to the bathroom.

He's not crazy for thinking this is about him right? The look Gunwook gave him was too pointed to be a coincidence. He's splashing more water on his face. trying to make his heart to calm down, when the door opens. Great. He doesn't have to look back or in the mirror to know who it is. He could almost feel his presence, his heart going crazy once again. 

"You did't like meaning of the song? Why did you leave so hurriedly?" 

"Why are you here? It looks weird that both of us are gone right now. We need to go back and finish the show." he still hasn't looked at Gunwook. During the 40 minutes of the interview he had no choice but to look at him always reminding himself of the audience around him. But right now they were in the bathroom together, alone with no one keeping Matthew in check. This was dangerous. 

"I just wanted to see your reaction. You almost ran out of there, not giving me a chance to see what my hyung thinks of my comeback song and concept." his voice was filled with sarcasm, almost mocking Matthew. If it was anyone else he'd have spat back an insult or something sarcastic as well by now, but this is Gunwook. So of course he doesn't. "It sounded good. I'm sure you'll do well." silence falls between them after that. Without looking up he speaks again "I have to go back-"

"That's all you have to say? Seriously?" the younger cuts him off again. With a sigh Matthew runs a hand through his hair "I don't know what you want me to say. Nice concept? So interesting?"

"I don't know Matthew-ssi. You could ask me if this was inspired by my life experience. Or you could say wow whoever did this is a piece of shit. Or i hope they're miserable. Or-" 

"Whoever did this to you is a piece of shit and deserves being miserable and you coming out the other side stronger and happier. Can we go back now. Please."

Matthew-ssi. Matthew-ssi, -ssi. Piece of shit.

Matthew wasn't doing okay. He was at home, all alone with his windows closed. Today was awful and he needed to be on his own and cry his heart out, before going out again and act all happy. He knew Gunwook hated him and he knew now that the album was about him. He also knew he called him Matthew-ssi and a piece of shit. Everything kept playing in his head like a broken record over and over again. He couldn't open his phone scared to see all the posts about the reunion between them. He was also scared to see the messages his friends could have sent him. He had put his phone on DND mode so he's not sure if they did but he's not in the right mental state to find out. He was laying down on his couch in a fetal position looking at nothing in particular, when the bell rang. Did i order something? was his thought so he got up and looked through the peephole. Oh.

"I know you are inside Matthew. Open the door, don't make me open it on my own."  fuck best friends and them knowing your door pin code. 

The moment he opened the door Taerae looked at him with concern in his eyes and something broke inside him. His face crumbled and a sob left his body. He heard his friend saying a soft "oh darling" and immediately felt hands hugging him as he fell on the floor. Quickly Taerae closed the door behind him and help Matthew while he cried violently, patting his back. 

It took a while for him to calm down and move from the floor. They slowly got up and went over to the living room to sit down on the sofa. "Can you talk to me Matthew? Can you be honest with me?" he wasn't demanding anything, it sounded more like he was pleading. Pleading for Matthew to finally open up and be honest about his feelings, hoping he could help him in any way. 

"I..i don't know Taerae, it hurts. I don't know what to do. I..i still...i never stopped- i never stopped loving him." he felt another wave of tears coming and he let it all out. "I know darling. I know. It's okay, you can let it all out, you don't have to hide anything." it felt freeing in a way to admit it to someone that wasn't his therapist and he was glad that someone was Taerae. He still remembers his words from all those years ago when he told Matthew he could tell him the truth and he wouldn't judge. He was so caught up in his head that he forgot this was Taerae. Of course he could trust him and tell him the truth.

After the tears stopped falling his friend got up and brought him a glass of water, without saying anything. He knows he's waiting for Matthew to speak up first, not wanting to push him. "I did what i thought was best for him, i swear i did it for him. I didn't mind being alone and hated as long as he could live him life freely."

Matthew heard a knock on his door but he ignored it as he kept packing up his bags. He knew who it was and he wasn't going to answer. He heard the beeping of his lock and suddenly the door was open. He heard Gunwook moving further inside the house, his steps getting closer and closer till they stopped outside the bedroom door that was open. "What...Matthew what are you doing why are you packing?" he could hear the nervousness in his voice but he didn't spare him a look. "What does this look like to you? I'm leaving." his heart was pounding, ready to jump out begging for him to not break up with Gunwook. But he had to do what he had to do. 

"Yeah i see that you're packing to leave but- where to? And why didn't you tell me anything? Why have you been so distant lately?" he got inside the room but didn't get close to Matthew, the older grateful because he wasn't sure he could do this if Gunwook came closer. 

"I'm going back to Canada." he put a shirt inside his suitcase and looked at the direction of his soon-to-be-ex boyfriend but not really looking at him. "Let's break up. I can't do this anymore." he immediately turned back to packing, hiding his face and his pain. He was trying to walk as normal as possible to not give away his limp. The pain was a bitch but he didn't want Gunwook to notice anything.

"Just stop for a little bit, baby, please. What are you even doing, i don't get it." 

"Let me go, Gunwook. I said i'm packing my bags and leaving. I already told you, what the fuck don't you understand?" he said exasperated as Gunwook got closer and started taking his clothes out of his bag, as Matthew knew he would. 

"But why? That was so sudden- what do you mean you're breaking up with me? Matthew what happened, did i do something wrong, please tell me. Matthew, please." his voice was breaking now and Matthew knew he had started to cry. This conversation was breaking him and Gunwook pleading with him and calling his name was torturous. 

"Stop. Stop fucking calling my name and stop talking to me. And for fuck's sake stop messing up my bag. Leave me alone, you're tiring me out Gunwook." he flinched when he said that but he had to do it. How else could he make the younger go away? How else could he make him leave and let Matthew mourn in peace?

"I'm tiring you out? Me? Matthew i know you don't mean this, we were just fine a couple of days ago, what happened so suddenly?"

"You. You were fine Gunwook. Not me. I was putting on a front for you, but i got tired. Stop trying to tell me what i feel. You don't know shit. Now leave." he started pushing him out of the room but Gunwook caught his wrists and stopped him, trying to catch his eyes. Matthew was looking anywhere but at him trying to hide his teary red eyes from him. "I don't believe you. Why are you really doing this?" fuck. He felt himself almost giving in but he quickly stopped. He had to do this. 

He looked straight at him this time trying to stay expressionless "I do mean it Gunwook. I am not in love with you anymore. Haven't been for a while, that's why i have been distant. I know it's sudden but i can't pretend anymore. We're done. Now leave." he snapped his hands back when he felt Gunwook's grip loosening in shock. 

"No. No this isn't happening. How could you just leave me? You can't leave me. Tell me the truth Matthew tell me what's going on." 

"For fuck's sake were you always this clingy? Accept what i am saying to you right now. If you love me, leave me alone." Matthew feels like the shittiest man on earth. He thought for a second to tell him the truth but he knows that if he does Gunwook will not let them break up and he will abandon everything to go to Canada with him to be by his side. He can't have that so he stays strong. 

"How..how can you say this? How can you be so cruel? I love you baby please don't do this. If i did something wrong i'm sorry just tell me. Tell me please don't just leave me, i-i can't go on without you, i can't please i'm sorry for whatever i did, please tell me." he was now on his knees by Matthew's legs holding on his calves for dear life. Matthew looked away trying not to break down, fall on his knees, apologise and comfort him. Please just hate me already was what he was thinking. 

"There's nothing you can do at this point. I am over it. Us. Get up and go back to your place. And don't try coming back here again. I'm leaving in 3 days so don't make me change the lock pin code." 

"No..how can i just go back? How can you ask me those things Matthew? I can't- can't just leave can't just go back. Everything will be so empty without you there, how i can live when you're not here? Please if this a sick joke just say it already." he wouldn't let go of Matthew that had started fully crying at this point. This was all falling apart. 

"Out. Out now." he moved away forcefully and yanked Gunwook off the floor. "Don't come back." don't make this harder for me. Just hate me please.

He closed the door on his face and ran to his room. He cried silently on his bed, scared Gunwook would hear him and know Matthew was in pain too. 

He'll get over it. He'll move on. He'll be okay. You did good. Even as he kept trying to convince himself, he couldn't help but think how he just lost the biggest gift this life had given him. 

"I hurt him on purpose. I hated myself for it- still do. But it's...complicated." he wasn't sure how to start telling Taerae the truth. 

"I know. I don't support it but- i trust you had a good reason. Even if i don't understand it." 

"No Taerae you don't get it. Back then i- i didn't just need a break that's not why i went...it's not just that-" he couldn't get his thoughts out into words, scared of Taerae's reaction. "Matthew. I said i know. I...haven't been honest either. Your sister she...she told me. Why you left. What happened. She told me everything. I'm sorry for hiding it from you." What? Matthew was shocked looking at Taerae with confusion in his eyes. He wasn't sure if he was mad, not sure if he deserved to be mad. He hid something so big from everyone and lied about it. He's not sure if he had the right to be mad.

"She told you? When? Why? Why didn't you say anything- wait does anyone else know?" anxiety rushed through him at the thought of the truth coming out. 

"No don't worry no one else knows. It was maybe..5-6 months after you left? You were MIA for more than a week and i was worried sick, so i contacted your sister. She told me she was in Korea for a dance class so after a lot of nagging from my side she agreed to meet up. At the beginning she kept telling me you were okay and nothing was going on but after a little bit she- she just broke down. She told me everything. What happened, when you found out and the reason you kept it a secret. She said you 'didn't want to worry us' like a fucking idiot. And that's how i connected all the pieces together. I promised her i wouldn't say anything so i didn't. But today...he was on your show and i just- i was scared for you Matthew. I didn't understand back then and i don't understand now why you did it but i see your perspective. You wanted to protect him and you were scared he'd abandon everything and come with you in Canada if he knew. I don't agree with your ways but i understand. So i knew- of course i did- that you still love him. I was so scared today Matthew. Hearing his name coming out of your mouth, hearing you 2 talk. That's why i'm here." 

He wasn't mad at his sister- quite the opposite. He felt apologetic. How much was she struggling that she broke down in front of her brother's friend and told him everything? And he never even asked her how she was doing, only thinking about himself. Idiot. Selfish.

"I...I don't know what i'm supposed to say right now. I'm sorry for deceiving you. But i genuinely didn't want to worry you guys. I also thought that...if i didn't tell anyone it- it wouldn't be a big deal. I was scared you'd look at me and feel bad or something. I was scared and embarrassed. And...i didn't want Gunwook to know. Please Taerae all i wanted was the best for him. You know how he is- so caring and when he loves he gives his everything. I felt like if i told him he'd abandon his career and come with me back home, just to care about me. I felt that if i allowed that i'd be the most selfish person in the world. He deserves a person that makes him happy not someone that takes it from him. And you- you weren't there during the rehab. I- i wasn't myself. I was another person, so angry and so depressed. He would have given me all is light just for me to smile once. I know he would have. I know my way wasn't the best but i don't regret it. Those were very ugly 2 years and i'm glad Gunwook and none of you guys witnessed it." it feels good admitting everything and he hopes Taerae understands. 

His friend doesn't talk for a while and he starts getting anxious. Will he yell at him, tell him he's wrong and that he hates him now? 

"Okay, Matthew. I won't try to change your mind. At the end of the day, it happened. You left, you didn't tell anyone and you broke Gunwook's heart. I was mad at you at first you know? When i found out. I was so confused on why you didn't say anything, i kept thinking that you didn't consider us your real friends. But i had enough time to sort it out. I realised that it was the opposite. You loved us too much and put us above your own well being. I still think you're dumb, but i can't help but feel bad too. You went through everything alone. Noona told me that you hadn't told anyone back home either. My anger basically disappeared when i realised how alone you must have been. I'm not mad anymore. Just sad. So i'm not going to scold you- even though i want to. Just- you went through a lot Matthew. I hope you're stronger now. I am proud of you." it was the first time Matthew heard Taerae speak like this and it felt exhilarating. His feelings were acknowledged. Maybe not fully understood but at least they were acknowledged. 

He started crying again as the relief washed over him. I am proud of you. You went through a lot. Taerae doesn't know how much he wanted to hear these words, how much they helped him immediately. "Thank you" he said as his best friend hugged him again. He doesn't remember the last time he cried like this in front of anyone, but he's not embarrassed like he thought he'd be. He felt even stronger knowing he had such an amazing friend by his side. He also felt stupid for not realising sooner that all he needed was Kim Taerae to be with him and listen to him with no judgment. 

They didn't really talk about it again. Matthew knew that his friend wanted to talk about it more but was respecting his wishes not to. He became more open though. He wouldn't hide it when he walked for too long or made a very sudden move and his ankle hurt. He wore shorts with no socks on, letting his scar be seen for the first time. Taerae was learning how to react to everything without hurting his friend or making him uncomfortable. Other than that nothing really changed. They kept bickering like always, joking around and it made Matthew start thinking a lot.Thinking that, since Taerae knew and nothing changed- he didn't pity him for his injury or hate him for keeping it a secret- maybe he could tell the others too. Maybe everything would work out too. He's lost count on the times he was staring at Hanbin's contact name on his phone back in Canada, desperately wanting to tell his best friend but not allowing himself to do so. Maybe the more honest he became with the people around him, the more he could be honest with himself and maybe find some kind of peace of mind.

Taerae agreed they should start with telling Hanbin. It was easier said than done with the older being so busy with work but they found a time that worked for all 3 of them. Taerae insisted he should do it alone but he was scared he'd chicken out out of fear so he begged him to stay, so of course his friend did.

They were hanging around in Matthew's living room with the host trying to be as normal as possible but not really succeeding, so he's not surprised when Hanbin speaks up "Matthew, what's going on? You've been very tense the entire time. Did something happen at work? You can tell hyung everything." the same-age friends looked at each other and silently tried to communicate. Taerae's expression was so easy to read; do it now. say it matthew. He swallowed and looked around before dropping his legs off the sofa and bending down to take off his sock. There's no other way to start a conversation like this other than hey so here's a scar you've never seen before, ask me about it so i can tell you.

And that Hanbin did. He looked shocked and concerned at the same time. So Matthew told him the truth. The preparations for his solo debut, the hospital, the doctor's recommendation, Canada, the surgery, the rehab, the reason why he chose not to tell anyone- he talked about everything. Hanbin didn't interrupt him at all, looking ahead the entire time. After he finished, Taerae held and squeezed his hand for a second letting him know he did okay. Hanbin caught the gesture from the corner of his eye "Did you tell Taerae then?" he asked finally looking at both of them "No hyung, he didn't tell me either. I kept bothering his sister, even met her face to face so she told me. I only told Matthew about 2 weeks ago." Hanbin nodded as Taerae spoke. 

"Okay. I...I am very glad you are okay Matthew. I am happy you overcame this. But...i am also very hurt. It's been-what? close to 3 years since then. And you didn't say anything. I was sat here like an idiot thinking you went there to be with your family, i kept asking you to come back because i missed you, i-Matthew i feel like an idiot right now. You lied to me-to us, all of us. And for what? Did you think i'd act differently around you? What the fuck did you think would happen? I thought we were best friends, i am your hyung for fuck's sake, you're supposed to talk to me, not hide something so huge." he sighed and put his head on his hands while his knee was bouncing restlessly. Matthew was tearing up again, scared he fucked everything up. Again. And this time it's with the truth.

"Hyung...i am sorry. I didn't want to lie to you. I was scared, everything happened so suddenly, i didn't know what to do. I didn't tell you because i didn't want to scare you and be a burden to you-" 

"A burden?" Hanbin almost screamed, looking at him furiously. "If something like that happened to me would you see me as a burden? Is that how shallow our friendship is?" he looked hurt and Matthew shook his head violently. "No! What are you even talking about, of course not. I just...i don't know hyung i don't know. I am sorry. During those 2 years i almost called you countless of times. I wanted to tell you the truth, i hated lying to you but- i had already hidden it from you and i was half a world away at that point, i would feel awful to just tell you over the phone. I know those sound like excuses but i really only had you guys in mind. I didn't want to hurt you." he says everything as he tries to stop his tears from falling, determined to let Hanbin know he means everything he says.

"Wait. Is this why you broke up with Gunwook back then? Is this why you lied?" Matthew's silence was all he needed before standing up. "You broke him Matthew, do you know that? You left but we were here. He was devastated, we were so scared. How can you sit here and be okay with this, Taerae? You were there! You saw everything!" he now looked over at Taerae who just stared at him with sympathy in his eyes. I know hyung. I was mad too. But Matthew was hurting more than any of us. He wishes he could say that but he doesn't know if it'll make Matthew uncomfortable so he doesn't. Hanbin is a logical person, Taerae knows he'll come around. They're very similar in that sense. 

"Okay, Matthew listen. I need to go now, my head is a mess. I don't...hate you or anything, i just need to organise my thoughts." he looked at him from over the door one last time before opening it "I am glad you're okay now. I really am. Just give me some time." and then he was gone.

Matthew thinks that Hanbin told some of the others. He's pretty sure he told Hao and Gyuvin since they're still attached to the hip together. Matthew hasn't gotten a text from them yet, so maybe Hanbin didn't tell them or maybe they all hate him collectively now. He just has to wait to find out. After that night Matthew and Taerae decided that maybe Taerae should tell Ricky, for the sole reason that Matthew is too scared that Ricky will react the same way Hanbin did and he's not that strong mentally to accept another blow. That took a couple of days, since Ricky was in China but Taerae informed Matthew that they'd meet soon. 

He was too scared to ask Taerae again for updates when the bell rang. He expected it to be Taerae and it was him, but he wasn't alone. There next to him stood a teary eyed blonde Ricky looking at him like a kicked puppy. "Yah Seok Matthew. What the fuck?" he said in english and immediately stepped in to hug him. They stumbled back, Matthew not as strong anymore since he was not allowed to work out the same way he did, and Taerae snickered as he closed the door. 

"Why the fuck did you hide that why did you lie you idiot oh my god you're an idiot i can't believe we're friends you're embarrassing." he said everything in one breath making Matthew snort at how cute he was. "So you're not mad?" he asked cautiously. 

"Yes i am mad. Mad that you hid something so big from us and suffered on your own. Dumbass." Ricky was holding him by the shoulders now and was giving him an angry look that still- after all these years- resembled a cute annoyed cat more than anything. 

Ricky was annoyed. He was annoyed because Matthew went through everything alone, not because he lied to his friends. Ricky wasn't mad and he didn't hate Matthew. They'd be okay.

After that day things got easier. Ricky kept asking Matthew about details, quite the opposite of how Taerae handled the situation but Matthew didn't mind. He knew both of them cared about him in their own way so was honest. The inevitable conversation about Gunwook happened pretty much the same day and Ricky told him he was an idiot, slapped him on the back of his head a couple of times and then told the older that everything will be okay. 

Matthew appreciated the kindness from both of them, but he was still anxiously waiting for Hanbin's message. Hanbin has always been busy, so Matthew excused his silence for a while but his anxiety kept rising, scared that his hyung completely hated him now and had cut him off of his life. Taerae kept reassuring him that everything would be okay but it didn't really do much to calm his nerves. The answer came in the form of a video call, but not from Hanbin. It was Hao. Matthew was taken aback, his last message with Hao dated months ago and he was pretty sure he had never video called Hao alone. He picked it up, having a suspicion why it was him calling. 

Hao's face appeared on his screen from what looked like his home. He hadn't really been there a lot but he had face timed Hanbin enough times to know how their bedroom looked like. "Hyung? Hi, what's going on?" he didn't see anyone else or heard any background noise so he thought his hyung was alone. 

"Matthew! It's been so long. How are you?" he was too cheerful, to a point that it sounded forceful. "Oh..uh...i am okay, i guess. What about you? How come you face timed me?" it's not like he didn't like it, he loves Hao, but considering all the context he's not sure this is just a friendly, let's-catch-up call. 

"Can't i call my lovely dongsaeng once in a while? I missed you and i don't have enough time to properly see you so i decided to call." that was true. They had met maybe 2 or 3 times since Matthew came back to Korea because Hao's schedule was always fully packed. He only got to see him because of Hanbin, not more than 30-40 minutes each time. Matthew had missed him too of course.

"I miss you too hyung. I haven't seen you in a while. I actually thought about texting you but uh...i wasn't sure if i could..." 

"Matthew-ya. It's going to be okay. Hanbin is just a little hurt. He's not mad, really, just hurt. He'll come around. I wanted to visit but i really don't have any free time so i decided to call you instead to let you know that me and Gyuvin are here for you. Hanbin will come around eventually as well. But i talked with Taerae and, even though he didn't say much, i figured out you were stressed about this. So don't worry. Hyung isn't mad. Just sad that i couldn't properly be there for you. When i have time i want to see you again, okay?" Matthew was just staring at Hao through his screen, thinking how did i manage to have the best friends in the world? and how did i fuck this up so badly? He nodded silently, not wanting to worry Hao by starting to cry, and he smiled slightly. 

"Thank you hyung. Really. I...i was scared. Taerae and Ricky kept telling me that it'll be okay but- i don't know- i was scared. I'd understand if you were mad. I don't blame Hanbin hyung either. I understand why he's mad and i understand that he needs time." 

Honestly he doesn't know what he's supposed to do. He spent almost 3 years keeping everything a secret and suddenly more than half of the group knows. It all happened so quickly, so now he feels stuck. He's had the same conversation of i'm sorry i lied i didn't want to worry you and i'm not mad at you i just wished you didn't go through this alone so many times now that he's not sure what else he's supposed to say. He's to tired he just wishes he could tell all of them at once and accept any judgment thrown his way. 

The only ones left not knowing are Jiwoong, Yujin and of course Gunwook. He knows he won't tell Gunwook, he can't tell Gunwook. He's not ready yet, maybe he'll never be ready to tell him. Maybe he'll die keeping it a secret from Gunwook, so he can live his life peacefully while hating Matthew on the side. He's not sure yet. 

The answer comes in the form of who else other than the one and only Kim Taerae. "Our 9 year anniversary is coming up soon. April 20th, i hope you haven't forgotten." he says while munching on some chips. Taerae, Park Hanbin and Ricky have come over to his place once again. He's not sure when his house became the hot spot but he's not mad. It doesn't feel as empty and cold when they're here so he can't really complain. 

"Of course i remember how could i forget? Maybe i'll play some of our songs on the radio that day and talk a little. I think it'd be nice." 

If he's being honest, he's an hypocrite. He doesn't want to do any of that. Hanbin texted him at some point, telling him that they're okay now, but they haven't met yet. They're okay now but they're not best friends again, so talking about the person that changed his life when he told him to participate on Boys Planet back then, when they're in awkward terms isn't ideal. And then of course it's Park Gunwook. Sometimes when he's really tired and his days get darker again, he can see Gunwook sitting opposite of him, talking about his album and mocking him with his eyes. Matthew doesn't think he has the right to touch on his memories with Gunwook when he was the one that destroyed them. He's also not confident he won't cry talking about them, so that's that. 

But before he left for Canada, he always had a zb1 special during their anniversaries, so not doing it now would be weird. 

"Are you sure about that? I don't know if it's the best idea." Hanbin spoke up. Matthew had given Taerae the green light to tell his boyfriend everything, trusting Hanbin enough to keep everything a secret. He had kind of become part of Matthew's closest cycle at this point, so keeping him out of the loop didn't feel right.

"I'll have to agree with hyung. Are you sure you can do that?" it was Ricky that spoke up this time. "Not only because of...well you know- but also because people will have questions. You keep brushing off questions about your music career, but if you have a full section dedicated to those days, you'll have to acknowledge them and then you'll have to lie. Are you okay with that?" Matthew hadn't really thought about that. Ricky was right, he kept avoiding the questions about his music career, if he'd finally release a solo album but Matthew always acted like he didn't see the comments. That would be close to impossible this time around and Matthew didn't know if he had the strength to keep lying. 

"I mean do you really have to? Lie i mean." Taerae spoke up this time "I know you kept it a secret from everyone all this time because you thought it was the best idea, but you told us. We know and everything is okay and i think you've realised it's not a bad thing to be honest. I also think it's fair for the fans to know. They have supported you for years and have been patient but i think they deserve the truth of why you can't go on stage anymore. And i think you'll realise it's not a big deal either. Many people have had accidents and it sucks yeah but it's not the end of the world. You're still doing okay. I think for the people that have been here for almost 10 years now it'd be nice to be open. And just like how we love you and understand why you did it, they love you and understand as well. You don't have to be scared." no one said everything after that waiting for Matthew's reply. It sounded nice and Taerae was probably right. But telling the world meant indirectly telling Gunwook. His mind always circled back to Gunwook and how he'd feel finding out, what he'd think about how Matthew handled everything. Would he be mad? Would he hate Matthew even more? Or worse, would he feel bad and blame himself? 

"I think he deserves to know as well." Matthew looked up at Taerae shocked. Was he really that easy to read? Or does everyone just know that Gunwook was always in his mind? Probably both. 

"I don't know. I'm scared of letting him know. I know i've fucked up big time and i've made a mess but it's my mess, you know? Gunwook's perspective is simpler; i am an asshole and the villain of his story. I've made peace with that. I don't want to complicate things. I don't want him to think about me or feel bad or- i don't know. Gunwookie he..he has a heart of gold and i'm scared of what he'll think. I made a mess, broke his heart and made him hate me- i don't think i'll ever be able to undo that."

"Who said anything about undoing? You just have to be honest. Yeah you fucked up and i'm glad you know but Gunwook isn't a child. He has his own thoughts and emotions. You can be honest and he can do what he wants with that. And at the end of the day, if nothing changes, you can't change that either. But carrying that weight with you for longer will eat you from the inside." 

Matthew texted his therapist again. At their last meeting he had told her that he was ready to go to Korea again and that he was alright. They were all lies but we've all established by now that Matthew's strongest trait is lying. That's how he has survived this entire time. So booking a session with her again was scary. 

When he saw her again through the screen the urge to just close his laptop was very strong but he stopped himself. He has to do this. He has to be honest with her. 

The 9 year anniversary was just 8 days away and Matthew had to talk to her. She knew pretty much everything about the group and about his relationship with Gunwook. He was extremely scared to tell her at first but if he wanted to get his shit together back then he had to talk about him. 

He was her last client for the day and Matthew quickly realised why. The 1 hour was almost up and usually at this point she'd summarise everything they had said today, but she kept asking him questions. She was about to stay as long as she could on this call with him just to help him. Matthew thinks back to the lies and the deception and feels bad. She always just wanted to help him. He just wasn't ready to help himself. 

So he confessed. He told her about the sleepless nights, the days he couldn't stop crying, the days he was angry. He told her about Gunwook on his show and how it fucked him up. Told her about Taerae and then Hanbin and then everyone else. He told her about his fears, about how he's scared his fans will leave him if they find out he's not dancing anymore. He tells her how, even to this day, he's not confident in his vocals and he's not confident he'll keep his fans if he releases a song without a performance. He tells her that he's scared they'll leave him for deceiving them for so long and the media will hate him and he'll lose his job and everything he has done and sacrificed will be for nothing.

He talks and talks and talks till his voice is raspy and his tears have dried on his face. And she listens. She doesn't say anything about the fact he hid so many things from her, she's not mad. She's just happy Matthew can finally be honest. It's not just about being honest with me. You calling me and talking to me is you being honest with yourself. That's your biggest win Matthew and i'm happy i'm here to witness it. Matthew could tell she meant it. Talking with her now made him wonder why he lied for so long. But he doesn't have to blame himself, there's no place for that. 

He shouldn't hate himself, he should understand him. He should understand why the Matthew of the past did what he did and why the Matthew of the present is so scared. It won't happen immediately of course, but he'll get there eventually. He allows himself to start getting there.

His therapist didn't directly say he should be honest about his injury. She did, however, say that everything started when you got injured. Do you think that if you're open about it it'll be easier for you to move forward? It seems like the reason you can't do that is because you keep hiding yourself, you go out of your way to hide this part of you and it doesn't allow you to grow which pretty much meant you should go public with it.

They had another session on the 19th, just a couple of hours before he'd have to wake up and air his business to the world. She reassured him that it's okay if he's not able to do it and if he needs time he should allow himself to take time. She reminded him that he should only share what he's comfortable with the world knowing and not what he thinks they deserve to know. This is about Matthew and he deserves to be okay. 

So that's how he went to work the next morning. He had written what he wanted to say on a piece of paper but decided not to take it with him at work. He chose to speak freely about his experience. He had informed his manager about his plan who gave him the okay after talking with the radio staff. His company had to know about his injury before signing him, inevitably. The radio staff didn't know anything-well until his manager talked with the director- but they were about to hear about it. He texted Jiwoong and Yujin telling them they should tune in this morning. He also hesitantly texted Hanbin telling him he would like it if he listened to him on the radio. 

There goes nothing.

"Good morning everyone, i hope you'll have a wonderful day ahead of you. I'm your host Seok Matthew and today is a very special day for me. It's the 20th of April, a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning. It's also the 9th anniversary since Zerobaseone was formed. Can you believe it it's been 9 years already? I still remember the day my name was called for 3rd place. Seok Matthew. Congratulations. I had full body chills and i just looked at my mother and sister in the audience and broke down. I didn't know back then how this group would change my life."

"I felt safe having Hanbin hyung with me, i relied a lot on him. But soon enough i felt like all of them were my best friends. We fought- a lot- the first couple of months but that brought us closer. I started relying on them and they relied on me. Sometimes, we would all sit together in one living room and talk about the future. Talk about how it'd be great we could stay together for longer. How our group deserved to be eternal."

"But of course we all know the outcome. It's not a bad thing, it's been years since then and everyone is doing great for themselves. I was also doing okay. I...I actually was supposed to have my solo debut, did you know that? I mean, back then i would hint at it or tease you so much about it so i'm sure you were shocked when i announced i was leaving for Canada. I'm sure you had questions but i'm thankful you didn't pressure me. I think i'm ready to talk about it now though."

"I participated in every part of the process. The songwriting, the producing. I even gave some ideas for the choreography. I had so much fun preparing for my solo debut. Of course i was scared but i was mainly excited. I hadn't been on stage in so long so i needed extra time to perfect my dancing. Is that how it started? I uh... i fell. Hard actually. And it hurt but- that's so common for dancers so i just sprayed my ankle and kept going. And it hurt and i kept falling and i didn't take care of it and yeah they couldn't let me continue. My manager took me to the hospital and i complained because i needed to keep practicing but thank god he did. My doctor said it was grade 2 ligament sprain on my ankle. I was shocked to say the least. Yeah it hurt and it had swelled but- things like that happen you know? He said that i should rest and i should take care of it. It was supposed to get better after a couple of weeks."

"But i was dumb and overestimated myself so i returned to practicing too quickly. I worked twice as hard to make up for the time that was lost. And i messed up. It really doesn't take more than a couple of seconds for everything to get destroyed. So it didn't take long for me to mess up my ankle more. I can't even describe the pain i felt. I'm pretty sure i passed out at some point while they were taking me to the ER. My doctor wasn't happy to see me and he definitely wasn't happy when he found out i was back to dancing intensely once again. I did an MRI once again and...it was now a grade 3 ligament sprain for my ankle. That wasn't fun. My doctor told me it was time for surgery. With an injury like that i don't think i had a choice to be honest."

"So i agreed. At the beginning i thought i should proceed with it here in Korea but then i thought about it again. The surgery was one thing but the rehabilitation? That's another. They told me it takes from months up to a year to go back to normal again. The thought of staying here because i had the support of my friends completely vanished from my head. I didn't want to give them such a responsibility. And i'm glad i didn't. It was an ugly year let me tell you. I wasn't the Matthew everyone knew. I don't think i've been the same Matthew since. It's not really just about the injury, it's everything that comes with it. I could see my dream disappearing in front of me, the normality of just walking from your room to your bathroom, walking the 3 stairs in front of your house, speed walking to catch the bus being out of reach. Missing out on events or just casual hang outs because you have physical therapy or because the exercises you did that day were difficult and you needed rest. Being angry at yourself that you didn't wait just wait 2 or 3 more weeks to get better. Staying up at night driving yourself crazy with the what if's. Everything was ugly."

"I don't know why but...i decided to not tell anyone. I decided it'd be better to lie and say i just need a break. I thought i could go to Canada, get better and come back like nothing ever happened. Obviously i was wrong. I lied thinking i didn't want to worry them. A part of me also felt bad for leaving, i felt that, if i told them the truth, they'd think that they're not enough. I know- i really, really do- that's not true. But sometimes your mind gets clouded with bad thoughts and you don't realise it till it's too late. I was naive. I didn't take into account that i'm a person with emotions and that it'd be a difficult, draining process. I lost my light if i'm being honest with you. I didn't even know what i was fighting for at some point. I wanted to call Hanbinnie hyung and tell him the truth. Tell him that i'm tired and i'm scared. I wanted to call Taerae and tell him i fucked up and i need his help. I wanted to call- i wanted to call...i wanted to say sorry so many times. I felt sorry- still do. I hurt people in the process. I thought that if it means they don't suffer with me through that, it'd be okay to hurt them. i'd have to hurt them. You can cuss me out everyone it's okay. I know i've done that a million times already. But i don't regret it, even if it was wrong. That's what i thought was the best decision back then and that's what i did. I lost a precious person from my life, someone that kept it bright all the time, but i don't regret it. All i wanted was for them to not give me their light, to keep it and protect it- protect their peace."

"I can talk about it now because i'm better. I can move normally now, i can run, i can dance. I know you're wondering why i don't go back to it. I don't think i'm ready yet. I'm still scared to be honest. Sometimes, when i'm very stressed it's like i can feel the pain again, even though i know i'm completely healed. I'm scared to go back in a practice room again and dance. I'm taking small steps though. Me being open about it is one very major step. Maybe when i work enough with myself, i'll be able to do it again. It's also why i can't really release any song with no performance. I think everyone knows how much i love dancing. But it's not just that it's just- it's the what it could have been, you know? I can't stand there and sing knowing i could do so much more. Maybe i will though. One day. I just wish you could be patient with me."

"I know this was a lot and it wasn't really what you wanted to listen to first thing in the morning but i felt like i had to be honest. All this time i've been avoiding all questions about my idol career, about when i'll return to the stage. I didn't want to hide the truth so i decided to ignore it altogether. So yeah... i'm telling you the truth now. I hope you don't hate me for hiding from you. I only recently told some of my closest friends, so i'm slowly being honest. I hope you understand why it took me so long to do this. And i hope you can stay by my side."

"This was everything i had to say. It wasn't a regular day i know and i'll have to go earlier than usual but i hope you understand. I love you all and please take care of yourself. This was Seok Matthew, a forever member of Zerobaseone. Thank you."

Jiwoong was waiting for him in front of his apartment. He immediately hugged Matthew when he saw him You went through a lot was all he said while patting his back. If he's being honest he was never scared of Jiwoong's reaction. Thinking about it he should have told him first. He was never one to get angry and always respected people's boundaries. Not that the others didn't, but Jiwoong was different. He never asked, always waiting for the other person to tell him. Always understanding and never expecting more than the other person would give him. Matthew appreciated that. He needed someone like that. 

Yujin was currently touring Asia with his group so they couldn't meet personally. He texted him i'm proud of you for opening up. Let's meet when i'm back to Korea hyung. He almost teared up seeing how much the youngest of the group had grown and how much he had matured. 

Hanbin had shocked him a lot. He was just scrolling through instagram when he saw his post. It was them- just the 2 of them before they even entered Boys Planet. Matthew almost didn't recognise himself and Hanbin, they looked like babies. What made him cry though was the combination of the photo with the caption. "my rival. my best friend. my eternal brother." he smiled at the word rival faintly remembering the Boys Planet era where they'd playfully call each other rivals of the K and G groups. Hanbin still saw him as his best friend, as his eternal brother. Hanbin still loved him and still wanted him in his life.

So that's why he was in front of his house now, uninvited. He rang the bell and after a few seconds Gyuvin opened the door. Matthew smiled at him and immediately hugged him. Gyuvin squeaked and hugged him tighter while laughing probably out of shock. "What are you doing here hyung?"

"Why are you opening the door to a house that isn't yours? Just move in with them already." he said and they both walked in together. At the exact moment he entered the living room he saw Hanbin coming from the hallway, with a sleepy Hao on his arm. They both looked at him shockingly before Hao let go of him. Hanbin stared at Matthew and smiled softly. "Will you not hug me? Hyung missed you, Seokmae." and yeah Matthew of course started crying again. He hugged Hanbin, Hanbin that still loved him and considered him his best friend, who loved him despite lying and despite being a mess for almost 3 years.

They sat in the living room and talked for hours. Hao had just come back from his schedule in Japan so he was still tired and sleepy but he stayed there and talked with Matthew. Gyuvin was clinging at him like he always used to, patting his stomach and his head like he wasn't almost 30 years old at this point. It was comical. Matthew loved every second of it.

His therapy sessions were helping him a lot. He realised how wrong he was doing it the first time around. A psychologist isn't a magician that can make your pain go away, they're just there to guide you to the right direction. He finally realised that and he worked on himself now. It wasn't easy. The months passed by quickly and suddenly it was December again. Almost a year had passed since he moved back to Korea. Already 9 months since he last saw Gunwook and 8 months since he told the world the truth. They were nice, the people. They didn't hate him or make fun of him. They were compassionate and understanding. Matthew was healing. 

He talked about Gunwook a lot with his therapist. She would hint at meeting him being the best idea but he feigned ignorance. Not yet. Matthew is getting better he isn't completely there yet. He's not ready. Also Gunwook never reached out either. He knows, he must know, there's no way he doesn't know. His therapist keeps telling him that he's either processing the information or he's waiting for Matthew to contact him first. Matthew tells her that the younger just hates him something that she's probably tired of hearing by now. Matthew promised to be honest, hearing about his ex lover hating him all the time is the consequence for her. If it didn't hurt him so much, he'd find it funny. 

"Come on you bitch you're coming with us!" said Ricky while he tried to drag Matthew out of bed for the nth time. The older was whining like a little child kicking and flailing his hands so the blond one won't be able to catch him. 

"Stop mov- Mashu- fucking hell- ouch bitch you just hit my eye what the fuck- okay enough playing. Gyuvin!" he yelled while rubbing his eye and glaring at Matthew from above. "What's going on here- ey what happened to your eye?" Gyuvin spoke softly while cradling Ricky's head. Matthew scoffed and got up "You're disgusting what the fuck" he said almost insulted. He hates gay people he hates gay people he hates gay people.

Ricky made a noise of victory and yanked him out of bed and on his feet "There we go. Now let's get ready." he said while pulling Matthew who just fell into his trap. homophobia. relationshiphobia. fuck. 

Before leaving for Canada, all 9 of them had this tradition of gathering at one place just for one night of the Christmas holidays. They tried to set a specific date but all of them had different schedules so they settled to let's just find one day that we have a couple of hours free. Last year Matthew had every day full, coincidentally of course, so he didn't make it. For some reason he had forgotten about it this year and who- wow who would have thought! he was free the date everyone agreed on, this lucky bastard. 

He hated this. He should have remembered and scheduled something. Begged his manager to get him something. But it was too late. The hang out was in a couple of hours and his manager was probably enjoying life away from Matthew and his mess. This was great. Awesome. He loved this. Did he have enough time to text his therapist? How would she feel if he video called her now asking for advice? She'd probably hate him but he could live with that. What he couldn't live with is seeing Gunwook and finding out he's seeing Gunwook 2 hours in advance. 2 fucking hours. Matthew could have an eternity and he wouldn't be ready to see Gunwook. Ricky and Gyuvin knew this so of course, so that's why they came so late with no heads up. 

"Do you guys still hate me? Is this some kind of revenge? If it is at least tell me, i have the right to know." he says while Ricky is searching for the best clothes and Gyuvin is lying on his bed like a starfish so Matthew won't lay on it again. Yeah, sure. 

"Quite the opposite Mashu. We love you. It'll be so fun being all together again." said Gyuvin while scrolling through his phone.

"Are you guys sadists? What's fun about me and Gunwook being in the same room together? He almost killed me last time and i almost died and it was in front of the cameras with a live audience listening to us. How can you believe this will be better? This will be worse, this will be a disaster, he still hates me guys you don't understand, please don't do this to me i really can't-" Ricky puts his hands on Matthew's shoulders to ground him. 

"Hey, Matt. First of all breathe. He doesn't hate you, why do you keep saying that? Did he tell you that? Why are you acting like you don't know him at all? He isn't that kind of person. Plus, yeah it was an ugly break up, bad things happened, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve to be with your friends as much as he does. And it's not just about you. I miss seeing you drunk as fuck and taking embarrassing photos of you." Matthew chuckles at that. 

He does miss his friends and he misses hanging out with them. But he still doesn't want to ruin this for everyone, especially Gunwook. He deserves to be with his friends. Matthew didn't discuss about the day they'd meet up. He wasn't included in the conversation, so Gunwook probably thinks he won't be there. He doesn't want to ruin the mood. "Does he...does he know? If he doesn't, please let him know. I don't want to suddenly ruin his night."

Gyuvin was next to him at this point "I uh...i told him. I let him know. He didn't say anything about it. So we're okay. We can all meet together today. Don't overthink okay? Gunwook isn't a baby, he can handle his own shit. Please do it for us at least."

And that's how the 3 of them were in Hanbin and Hao's house now chatting and laughing. Taerae was the only one that had arrived at this point, so the 6 of them were still comfortably seated on the sofas. That would change very soon when the rest of them come and some of them will have to sit down. Soon after, Jiwoong arrived and Matthew's anxiety kept rising. He had actually texted his therapist, even though he knows she's probably sleeping and she's not getting paid enough to deal with Matthew. He still texted her trying not to show that he's panicking, which meant he sent an excessive amount of emojis, which obviously meant he's losing his shit. She still hadn't responded and Matthew almost wanted to send her some money just so she could pay attention to him. 

Theoretically he can handle this. Exposure therapy isn't his thing though, so he didn't really think he'd have to use his theory in action. Not yet at least. 

And then the bell rings. He's not sure how, but he can feel it's Gunwook. It could be just Yujin but something inside him tells him he's here. And, unfortunately, he's right. They walk in with Yujin in the front. Everyone is trying to act normally but the tension was so thick you couldn't cut through it even if you wanted to. Matthew is keeping his eyes on Yujin who gives him a genuine smile and hugs him. It's been a while since they saw each other so he missed him. 

He doesn't look Gunwook's way. He can't bring himself to do it. He feels nauseous even knowing they're in the same room. He doesn't know what will happen if he looks at him. Unfortunately for him, out of sight doesn't mean out of sound, so he hears his voice when he's greeting his hyungs and answers questions. Matthew feels small sitting there looking at the wall opposite him. How is this supposed to work? Are they going to telepathically decide who's going to talk when so this doesn't get awkward? Can it get more awkward than it already is? What could possibly be going on through Gunwook's head right now? 

Matthew gets up to stop himself from thinking and spiralling. "Does anyone want water? I'm going to the kitchen." they all said no so Matthew moved to get away for a second.

"I would like some water." the entire living room went silent and Matthew stopped walking- no he stopped breathing. Is someone playing with him? Is Gunwook playing with him? Is he trying to break Matthew? 

His legs listened to him again and he entered the kitchen. He immediately sat down on a chair, feeling out of breath. Gunwook got here not even 10 minutes ago and Matthew is already breaking down. Okay. Nice. Perfect. He needed to breathe in and breathe out. He got up and with shaky hands he picked up a glass and filled it with water. He drunk slowly and then leaned over the sink to calm down again and get water for Gunwook. He can do that. 

A sound behind him made his weak body flinch and before he realised it the glass was on the floor and the broken pieces flew everywhere. His first instinct was to turn on his left side so his right ankle was hiding away as he closed his eyes and ears. This isn't good. This shouldn't be happening. Why the fuck isn't his therapist texting him back. Why is his ankle suddenly in pain again? Hands on his shoulders brought him back to reality. He had crouched down leaning his body against the cabinet and crying. He blinked his tears away and he saw Taerae in front of him. He was saying something, he could see his lips moving but he couldn't hear. He looked behind him and the door was closed but they weren't alone. Gunwook was sitting there by the door his face filled with emotions. Emotions that Matthew wasn't able to decipher right now. Taerae turned his face back at him "Hey Matthew...come on it's okay, you're safe. It was just a glass. Just a glass. I'm here with you, can you hear me? Just nod your head once if you can." Matthew nodded once and Taerae sighed in relief. How long has he been calling Matthew? How long has he been on the floor, why has he been on the floor? Nothing even happened. He's not one to get scared of loud noises. 

"Come on, it was the shock. It was the shock of everything, but it's okay. I told those idiots- whatever, you're still here with me, right? Whenever you're ready we can move. I'll sit here with you." He's confused, not sure why he reacted like that. Yeah, he wasn't doing amazing but he didn't feel like dying either. Everything was so sudden, it felt like an earthquake inside him that he barely registered, leaving him shattered on the floor. 

He didn't have the power to say anything so he nodded his head and extended his hand to Taerae as a sign that they can move now. Taerae's eyes hadn't left him for a moment and he immediately took his hand so they can both rise from the floor. "Let's go outside, the view is pretty from the hyungs' balcony. It'll gag you." Matthew lowly chuckled, thankful that Taerae was here with him to help him and distract him. The balcony was outside the kitchen so they quickly opened the door and stepped outside. Taerae helped Matthew sit on the chair and moved back to close the door before he sat down himself. 

"I was waiting for my therapist to text me you know. I had told her the moment Ricky and Gyuvin told me but i know she's busy so of course she doesn't have to respond. It would have been nice though, if it meant i could prevent this." it was cold outside but Matthew liked it. He always preferred winter and he definitely needed some cold air to calm him down right now. 

"Do you..i mean..we were in the living room and suddenly we hear the glass. Next thing i know i'm next to you but you weren't responding to me- scared the shit out of me by the way." 

"Did someone come in the kitchen? Someone made a noise behind me and i jumped and the glass fell. I'm not crazy i didn't do it on my own." not that he had anything against crazy people, he's just not one of them. Probably. 

Taerae looked at him questionably. "No one came in the kitchen. We were all in the living room when we heard the glass. You were probably more sensitive to sound, it happens." Matthew nodded his head, that made sense. It could be the air for all he knew.

"Why was...Gunwook here? I mean one moment i'm dropping the glass, next you're in front of me and Gunwook behind you. Are you sure he didn't come to the kitchen? He wasn't the one to make the noise?" There's no other reason for him to be standing there. He was maybe passing by to go to the bathroom and Matthew heard his footsteps, or maybe he regretted asking for the water and he came to take it himself. 

"No he..Gunwookie...he was with us. He just-" Taerae bit his lip looking around, unsure if he should say it "He came to see what happened first. Before we even registered where the noise was coming from, he was in the kitchen. I quickly ran after him and he was picking the pieces of glass that were near your feet. He moved away when i got in front of you." 

Gunwook cared. Gunwook heard the glass and ran to Matthew. He ran to Matthew and he picked the broken pieces away from him, as to not get hurt and bleed. And then he waited till he was okay. Till he saw he was okay. Gunwook wanted Matthew to be okay. 

"He...he ran? To me? For me?" he whispered trying to make sure he's not making things up. Taerae sighed and looked down, not sure if he should have said that, but eventually nodded his head. Matthew didn't say anything, his head more of a mess. How can he interpret this? Did he run because someone was going to get hurt or because Matthew was going to get hurt?  Is it just because he's a caring human being or because he still cared about Matthew?

"Taerae can you be honest with me? Does he...have you talked with him about me? Has he said anything? Does he still-" hate me? is what he wants to say but can't bring himself to do so. Taerae looked at him with sadness in his eyes and something inside Matthew broke again. 

"We tend to avoid the conversation. He doesn't really like talking about it." about you is what he actually meant. "But that doesn't mean...Matthew i need you to stop thinking that Gunwook hates you. What he's feeling is pain not hatred." Matthew wants to believe him he really does, but it's not easy to change his mind so easily after more than 3 years of he hates you, you know he does, you deserve it. Matthew-ssi. Piece of shit. He's trying to, for his own sanity but it doesn't just happen. Maybe he'll have to trust Taerae though, since he's friends with Gunwook while Matthew is the villain in the younger's story. 

"You think so?" 

"I know so."

They go inside after a while, when the cold gets unbearable and impossible to ignore. They're all still sitting in the living room and Yujin is the first to see them. "Hyung! You're here." they all didn't really know how to react and Matthew hated the awkwardness. "I'm here, sorry for worrying you guys. I just got startled from the glass, it's nothing really." he sat down on the floor by Hanbin's legs and Taerae sat next to him. "So what were you talking about? It's freezing outside by the way." he grimaced at himself knowing how forced everything sounded. Gyuvin was the first to speak up, trying to ease the tension in the room and hesitantly they all started talking again. Matthew chimed in with some comments here and there but stayed quiet most of the time, his head full of Gunwook. It shouldn't be a surprise really, but Gunwook being here in front of him overwhelmed him. The younger one hasn't said a word this entire time and it made it very hard for Matthew to not look at him. He didn't though, scared of what he'll see. 

Suddenly his phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out to see a message from his therapist 

I'm sorry Matthew, i was very busy till now. Did you go?

You can tell me now or if you need to, i have some time 

if you want to call me.

Matthew rolled his eyes. He wasn't really annoyed he just found it comical how she's texting him now, unaware of the mess Matthew had to live through. He showed Taerae and he probably had the same thought because he scoffed and smiled amusingly. "Tell her it's too late now." he said sarcastically and Matthew felt himself smiling genuinely for the first time tonight. He sent her a quick text saying everything was okay now and he would tell her at their next session before abandoning his phone on the coffee table. 

Before he could stop himself, almost unconsciously he looked at Gunwook and he felt like the air was knocked out of him. Because Gunwook was looking at him. Unblinkingly, with his eyes full of emotions that Matthew wasn't able to read anymore. His brows were furrowed and he didn't look away when Matthew caught him staring. What is he supposed to do now? Look away? Say something? Die? 

Okay that was dramatic, but his brain isn't working properly right now. He saw Gunwook sighing slowly and resting his back and his head on the couch looking at the ceiling now. He looked extremely troubled and Matthew wanted to say something but he felt like he didn't have the right to. He knew what Gunwook's problem was. It was Matthew. How ironic would it be for him to say something? So of course he stayed silent, looking at his feet, not able to act normal anymore. 

He's not sure how much time had passed, but suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder, waking him up. "You fell asleep. Come on, i'm taking you home." It was Jiwoong who said it and Matthew looked at him tiredly before realising that everyone was already up and headed for the door. Disoriented he got off the floor and started walking with his hyung. They all said goodbye to the hosts, some of them kind of tipsy and walked out the door. 

"Taerae are you coming with us? I'm taking Matthew home, i could drop you off." said Jiwoong as they were walking to their cars. "No, it's okay i didn't drink so i'm dropping off these 2 idiots to their home. I hope someone comes and tows Ricky's car by tomorrow morning." Ricky gasped, more animated than usual with alcohol in his system and Gyuvin giggled next to him. "My car?! Hyung, why do you hate me?" he whined like a child and Taerae grabbed both of them by the elbows and directed them to his car. "Goodnight everyone. I'll see you if i don't kill someone and go to jail." Matthew laughed a little, Taerae and Ricky still playful even after all those years made him warm inside. 

"Goodnight hyung. I'm taking Yujinnie home" said Gunwook, slightly looking at Jiwoong before walking away with Yujin clinging on his arm. Matthew wasn't expecting him to look at him but it still hurt when he didn't even hesitate to leave without sparing him a glance. 

The drive home was silent. Jiwoong didn't talk and Matthew was too tired to try and have a conversation just to make the air feel less heavier. They could talk about it another day. He went home and he didn't bother turning on the lights. He felt a headache coming so all he wanted to do was lay in bed and sleep. He could process what happened tomorrow. He deserved to sleep for now. 

His therapist was shocked to say the least. She tried to not show it but she wasn't pleased with his friends making him go, especially without telling him beforehand. She advised him to have that conversation with them but Matthew didn't really think it was necessary. He wasn't mad at them, he could have stayed home and they couldn't have done anything about it. She definitely didn't like that one. It's not because i don't think you can't handle it or you're not strong. You just weren't ready yet. You said it yourself, you tried to explain it to your friends but they didn't understand either. We're not here to talk about your friends though. This was indeed something that you chose to do. Even though you weren't ready and you knew you weren't ready because you texted me, you still chose to face him unprepared. Can you tell me what made you decide to go? 

Matthew wasn't sure either. He's not sure why he did it. I'm not sure. I think i just...i had maybe hope? I don't know how to explain what i felt i just- i thought that if we met together as 9 again it'd be different. Different than when we met back at the radio show, different before he knew the truth. I didn't expect friendship from him obviously, but i thought maybe...maybe he would be okay existing in the same space as me for a couple of hours. Gyuvin told me that he said okay to me being there so i thought, if i see it with my own eyes i'd feel a little better. Knowing he didn't hate me. Seeing he didn't hate me. Not as much. Not anymore.

And that was the truth wasn't it? He wanted to find some peace. Some peace that Gunwook didn't hate him anymore, just like Taerae said. He wanted to see Gunwook not minding him being there. It may sound pathetic to most or even selfish but Matthew has learned that it's okay. It's okay sometimes to be selfish if it brings you some kind of peace. And he needed peace, he was craving it after years of war with his self, his decisions, his past. 

He wanted to see that Gunwook was doing okay, he wasn't affected by Matthew anymore, he lived his life freely.

It wasn't about Gunwook hating him. It was about him hating himself. 

2033. It was finally 2033. He spent New Year's alone, tired before he had to work extra hours at the radio. The days around New Year are always the busiest so now that he had a 1 week break he decided to take advantage of it. And rot in bed all day of course. He kept ordering delivery for everything and exercised at home. He watched Netflix all day and he loved every second of it. He loved being lazy before having to dive back in to work again. 

It was around 5pm when his bell rang. He got up to open it even though he didn't remember ordering something. Was it Taerae? He definitely loved coming by announced with his boyfriend tagging along. He opened his door and blinked. And then blinked again. And then froze. He wasn't sure what he was looking at but he was definitely hallucinating. Because there's no way Park Gunwook was at his house, right? 

"Hyung." So he was having auditory hallucinations now on top of the visuals. Nice. So he was actually going crazy. Please let this be a hallucination. 

"Sorry for...bothering you i just- i had to come and...i couldn't stop thinking about...can i come in?" he sounded so anxious and looked at Matthew with pleading eyes. 

"You're real." it came out as a whisper, mainly saying it to himself. He opened the door mechanically, not sure what he's supposed to do. He knows he wants to close the door on his face and not deal with this today, but he can't really ever say no to Gunwook, so he lets him in. He's not really sure what's going on right now, the shock overpowering the anxiety and fear. 

Gunwook sat on the chair and Matthew on the couch facing each other. "Do you want something to drink? I have..i have water and-and..i think Taerae brought some coke last time he was here, i'm not sure if he drank it all though, you know how he is- if you want though i can check or i can go buy some-"

"Hyung." Matthew stopped talking and looked straight at Gunwook who was already looking at him. "I don't want anything to drink, thanks." Matthew nodded and silence followed. He wanted to ask Gunwook why he's here but he was scared to hear the answer. 

"Sorry for showing up unannounced and out of the blue. I got your address from Gyuvin. Don't be mad at him i was very...pushy" he was fidgeting with his hands the entire time and Matthew furrowed his brows. He hated seeing Gunwook uneasy, especially because of him. But that's all he made Gunwook feel. Uneasiness, pain, anger. 

"It's okay. I'm not mad. Just surprised." He tried not to show all the emotions he was feeling on his face, waiting for Gunwook to speak first. 

He saw him taking a deep breath before looking back at Matthew again "It's been bothering me all this time. That night. At hyungs' place." he took a deep breath again trying to ground himself "I was shocked. To see you like that. You...i just opened the door and i see your face and you- your eyes were closed but you looked. Hyung, you looked terrified. You looked tired and just...i couldn't help but think that it was all because of me. And i-" 

"Gunwookie no. Don't say that it's not-" "Please, hyung. Let me finish." Matthew nodded his head even though he was desperate to make Gunwook understand he has done nothing wrong. 

"I listened too, what you said that day. I was...shocked. Mad. Sad, hurt. Honestly, i felt so many things and i didn't know what to think. I thought about contacting you somehow. But it didn't feel right. I didn't feel right, my emotions were hurt and i- i didn't want to...give you the satisfaction i guess? I know it sounds cruel, i do but that's how i felt back then. I thought that, just because you said your piece and said you had your reasons for doing what you did, didn't mean that everything was okay. Because it wasn't. And it still isn't. But that night. When i talked to you, i was trying to test the waters. I regretted it immediately though. You looked like you would faint on the spot and then...when i came in the kitchen you were...i was so scared. I saw you protecting your right side and falling down holding your ankle. I saw you putting all your weight on one foot and i saw your pain in your face when you closed your eyes and put your hands on your ears. I saw everything and i realised- i realised how this still...still affects you and- and you really thought it was the best option and it was wrong but-but you...you did it because you cared and you live with the reminder every day and i-me talking to you ticked you off and i..." Gunwook looked on the verge of tears as he held his head between his hands like he couldn't bear looking up. Matthew was biting his lips so hard, trying his best not to let out any noise. 

"I'm sorry" he said this under his breath but Matthew heard him, of course he did. He couldn't stop the tears that fell right after.

"Why are you apologising? Gunwook, why are you apologising, please don't apologise. It was me, hyungie did this not you. I created this mess, i created this hell not you. I don't want you to feel bad, i don't want you to feel sorry or hurt. All i want- all i need is for you to be okay, so why...why are you apologising to me?" he couldn't stop himself from fully sobbing now in his hands. He hated this, all he ever wanted was for Gunwook to be happy, but here he was feeling bad and apologising. Gunwook looked at him, crying silently too and that made Matthew even sadder. 

"Why are you crying? Please don't cry, i don't want you to cry especially not because of me, please. I didn't say all that for you to feel bad or hurt, that was the only thing i didn't want you to feel. All i wished for was for you to be happy away from me and i know it's selfish, i know it's not my place to say those things, but i never wanted for this to happen like this. I did what i did because i love you and i didn't want you to suffer with me so why are you still thinking about me? Didn't you tell me you were okay now, didn't you tell me at the radio show? I was so relieved back then so what is this now?" Matthew wasn't sure what he was saying, his thoughts were a mess but he couldn't stop talking. 

Gunwook moved to sit next to Matthew on the couch but didn't know what else to do. He wanted to pat his back, make him stop crying somehow but he couldn't.

"How were you relieved? Why were you relieved when i was mean to you? I said those things because i wanted to hurt you and you're glad? Do you ever think how that makes me feel? I wish i was over it, i wish i could hear the truth and just be like 'woah, life sure is cruel' and just move on, but i couldn't. I couldn't do any of that. Do you know how shitty i felt that day? Seeing you on the floor and you saw me- i know you did. But you were so out of it, you didn't even react and i felt like the worst person alive. Does that sound like someone who's happy to you? Someone that has moved on, that doesn't care?" Matthew closed his ears and shook his head.

"Exactly so why haven't you moved on? I lied to you, hurt you, abandoned you years ago. I did all that, so you could hate me, so you didn't have a choice but break up. I did all that so you wouldn't have to carry my burden of the injury, so you wouldn't worry, so you didn't give up on anything for me. I told you i didn't love you, i cried every night and i missed you but it was okay because i thought you were okay, you had moved on. You were smiling, releasing music, getting better and more recognised. Every time things got hard i would reassure myself that it was okay, that it was all worth it so why. aren't. you. okay." he said the last words almost screaming, feeling devastated at the realisation that everything was in vain. He put himself and the person he wanted to protect through so much pain and suffering for nothing. 

That's when Gunwook hugged him. He put his arms around Matthew's shoulders and cried with him. The smaller clang on his hoodie while sobbing. They sat there for a while, crying in each other's arms. 

"I'm sorry Gunwook-ah." he said after a while, voice raspy from how much he had sobbed. "I did this. All of this, the pain." 

"That's true. But i've been thinking about it for so long and what you just said i...i don't think i'm mad anymore. Haven't been for a while. I'm sad. Sad because of what we lost. Sad finding out how you've been living all this time. I'm sad hyung. And i'm tired of this feeling." they looked at each other and Matthew believed him. He finally believed that Gunwook doesn't hate him, isn't mad anymore.  

Matthew is tired too but he doesn't know if he deserves to say it-not in front of Gunwook. They're both tired because of him. He did this. 

"I know you're tired too. You don't want to feel like this anymore. You can be honest, stop hiding it. Stop thinking that this is your fault and that you shouldn't feel like this." Gunwook looks straight in his eyes searching for something. "Do you...regret it? Leaving. Lying. Everything." he looks so vulnerable waiting for Matthew's reply.

"All i wanted was for you to not get hurt. But all i did was hurt you." Gunwook nodded his head at the answer. "Okay then. You made a choice back then, thinking it was for the best but it wasn't. You were wrong, you see it now. So stop telling yourself you can't feel this way. You can. Just because you made a choice more than 3 years ago doesn't mean you can't regret it. It doesn't mean it can't hurt you. And i can see it clearly now, it hurt you. It hurt both of us." 

"So what now? What do we do now? Is this goodbye?" Matthew was looking away, scared to look at Gunwook. This felt like farewell we were sad for too long. let's let go of it now. have a good life. goodbye. 

"Do you want it to be goodbye? I..i was thinking the opposite to be honest." he said his last sentence in a tiny voice, hesitating and unsure. Matthew looked at him shockingly. After all this Gunwook wanted to give him a chance? A chance to reconciliation?

"You want to...reconcile with me? You want to..." he almost said be together again but stopped himself. That's not what this is about. 

"I want for us to be able to see each other and be comfortable. Say hi. Have a conversation. Even hang out sometimes. It's not going to be easy or fast but i think i'd like that." Looking at him Matthew wasn't sure how he met someone like Gunwook, so angelic and so giving. Someone that, after all, always tries to see the good in people and live life honestly. Matthew nodded his head and gave the tiniest smile to Gunwook, not sure if he could do that yet. But Gunwook smiled back and Matthew had hope. Hope that maybe everything will be okay.

"Great, i have to go now but uhm...my birthday is coming up soon-" "January 10th, i know" Matthew interrupted him while they were walking towards the door. 

Gunwook looked at him and slightly smiled again before putting on his shoes "Yeah, exactly. I will have a small gathering at my place. I would like it if you were there." He's scared. He's not sure how this will play out. He still nodded okay though. Because this is Gunwook and he doesn't say no to Gunwook, doesn't know how to. And then he was alone again, his house silent. He sits down and just stares at his feet, thinking to himself if this really just happened, if Gunwook really showed up to his place and wanted to give Matthew a second chance at being in each other's life again. He picks up his phone and calls Taerae immediately.

"Come over, right now." He almost fell bad for always calling Taerae and talking about his drama instead of any other person or his therapist that he literally pays, but no one else understands him like Taerae does. He's the only one that knows exactly what to say to Matthew, realistic but not mean. So of course when Taerae arrived Matthew immediately hit him with the Gunwook just left and Taerae looked at him like he had lost his mind. It took some convincing from Matthew's side but he believed him eventually and he was shocked to say the least. He slept over that night, psychoanalysing their conversation till the wee hours of the night. 

Matthew arrived at Gunwook's place alone after the younger one texted him his address. Matthew winced at the texts above, all from years ago of Gunwook begging him after the break up. He felt nauseous but if Gunwook saw the messages and still decided to text Matthew his address, he wasn't one to turn him down. So here he was now, in front of the apartment scared shitless to ring the bell. He can hear some voices and he exhales in relief that he's not the first one here. 

He takes some deep breaths and rings the bell before he can think about it too much again and he stops himself. He's been sitting out here for at least 10 minutes now and he's freezing. The door opens and Gunwook is standing there looking as beautiful as ever. He looked shocked, even though he had texted Matthew and he had texted him back saying he'll be there, but still greeted him "Hi hyung. You actually made it." Matthew smiles hearing his voice. He had missed his soft voice being directed at him, even though he thinks it'll take a while to be worthy of it again. 

"Of course i did. Happy birthday Gunwookie." Of course he doesn't hug him, they're not on that stage yet but he smiles at him and extends his hand. "I wasn't sure what to get you, but i still hope you like it. It's a simple gift." Gunwook raises his eyebrows and takes the gift from his hand "You didn't have to. I said i don't need any gifts, it was just a gathering." Matthew shrugged his shoulders and took off his shoes as they walked inside. The house was warm but he was still freezing so he contemplated if he should take off his coat. 

"Are you cold? I have laid out blankets in the living room, you can take one of those." Matthew isn't sure if he's easy to read or if Gunwook can see right through him. He smiles at him thankfully and he takes off his coat before they both start moving towards what he presumes is the living room. He tries not to look too openly but he still takes in the place. It's definitely bigger than his own and more lived in. He doesn't know when Gunwook moved in here but it looks cozy and very Gunwook. 

He sighed in relief when he saw many most of their friends being there. He already knew that Hao, Ricky and Yujin wouldn't be able to make it because of their schedules but the rest of them were already there and immediately smiled at Matthew when they saw him. He felt kind of out of place still awkward but he smiled back, quickly taking the seat next to Park Hanbin that had come with Taerae. He saw some faces that he hadn't seen in years and some that he was meeting for the first time. It was overwhelming seeing the people that stayed in Gunwook's life or came in after he left. It's like he was learning about Gunwook all over again, when he used to be the person that knew everything about him. It left a bittersweet taste in his mouth. 

Hanbin looked at him in a this is crazy way and Matthew couldn't help but giggle a little bit because yeah this is crazy. From the looks of it everyone knew more or less that something had happened between the 2 of them because they air was awkward at first, something that Sung Hanbin took care of very quickly, with starting a conversation that most of them could follow. And that's how it went for about 2 hours. Matthew refused to drink, not trusting himself at all being drunk around Gunwook, so was entertaining himself watching everyone losing it bit by bit from the alcohol. It wasn't even 10pm but half of them were drunk or on their way to be drunk. 

The only ones who hadn't drunk at all was of course Gyuvin, Matthew and surprisingly Gunwook. 

"It's your birthday how come you're not drinking?" he asked him. He doesn't know where he got the confidence to start a conversation with Gunwook but, well, here he is starting a conversation with Gunwook. 

"I don't want to drink today. I don't drink a lot in general but i'd like to be sober for my birthday." he said while shaking his coke can in his hand and drinking some of it. Matthew is obviously not staring at his throat because he has no right to do that and he should burn in hell. "How come you're not drinking?" He asked right back at Matthew after lowering the can. Well because i'm still in love with you, never stopped loving you actually, and i can't even trust myself around you sober, i don't even want to imagine how i'm going to act drunk. "Not much of a drinker either." he said and smiled slightly. Gunwook nodded and looked at Gyuvin, starting a conversation. Nice. So, that's that. Matthew doesn't feel uncomfortable with the drunk people not making sense and the only 2 sober people talking to each other. He's having a perfect time.

"Hi, you're Matthew right?" He raises his head and sees an unfamiliar face staring down at him. "Uhm, yes. Sorry have we met?" he tries to ask as kindly as possible not trying to sound rude to Gunwook's friends. 

The man chuckles and motions at the seat next to Matthew and the latter nods his head so he can sit freely. "No, we haven't met, i'm one of Gunwook's newest producers. I'm Gwanhee, nice to meet you." he extends his hand and Matthew accepts it with a smile. He doesn't look drunk, or maybe not that drunk so it's nice and he accepts the company. "How long have you been working with Gunwook?" he tries to continue the conversation so he doesn't seem rude ignoring him. He also doesn't mind learning more about the younger and how he's lived his life all these years.

"It hasn't been that long. Maybe a little over a year? But we've known each other for longer than that, we had mutuals friends." Matthew cocks his head and tries to think of a mutual friend but then he remembers it's probably one of the many people he doesn't know so he stops thinking about it and instead asks. 

"Oh, Minwoo! He couldn't make it today but he's one of Gunwook's oldest friends and that's how we met." Matthew stops himself from rolling his eyes. Someone kill him right now. Fucking Minwoo? He's still friends with that asshole? The good impression of Gwanhee immediately died at the mention of Minwoo. He shouldn't be such a hypocrite because Gunwook is also still friends with him but that's different. Gunwook can do no bad thing and he's also way too kind for this world. No matter how many times Matthew tried to tell him that he was using him for clout and he was a shitty friend, Gunwook dismissed him. He's mad he wasn't there to draw a line anymore to how much Gunwook should do for his 'friend'. 

He looked at Gunwook not being able to hide his dissatisfaction on his face and he was met with the younger already looking at him. Matthew narrowed his eyes and he saw him looking away acting clueless. So he knows why Matthew is looking at him. This idiot. 

"I'm sorry Gwanhee-ssi i'm going to the kitchen to get some more coke, do you need anything?" the other shook his head and Matthew got up. "Gunwook-ah can you show me where's the kitchen?" he said and Gunwook tried to stop himself from smiling, almost sure of what's to come. "Yeah, come on this way. Wait a second Guyvin." he got up as well and they walked towards the kitchen. 

Before they could enter fully Matthew spoke up "Minwoo? Really?" Gunwook burst out laughing, like he expected this reaction. 

"He's a nice guy, hyung. Gwanhee hyung is nice too." Matthew looked at him like he was stupid and sighed. 

"If you think that Minwoo is nice, i can't really trust you about this Gwanhee guy." Gunwook opened the fridge and took out two cans of coke, handing one to Matthew after opening it. Matthew's heart skipped a beat seeing him doing it, almost unconsciously like he used to. 

"I'll never understand why you didn't like him. You wouldn't say all those things if i wasn't famous and i didn't have money. He's just asking for help and talking about his friends like any person does with his close friends." and he can't believe he's having this conversation with Gunwook, again, after all those years. 

"Wookie...You're giving me a headache." the nickname slipped out without him noticing till it was too late and he saw Gunwook almost smiling. 

"I don't think this conversation will lead anywhere. You'll just never like Minwoo. Just don't hate this hyung too much. He's done nothing and your face said 'go away' from miles away the moment i suppose he said Minwoo's name." 

"Was it obvious? I tried not to make it obvious, i didn't want your friends to think i'm rude." he felt like this conversation shouldn't be happening between 2 exes that just started communicating again, but Matthew has started being selfish lately. 

Gunwook's face softened even more as he looked at Matthew "No it wasn't obvious. I just noticed it." the implications behind that made Matthew's stomach turn and he looked down. This is definitely not casual and Matthew can't handle it. Before he could say anything though, Gunwook spoke up again "Can i open your birthday present? No one else got anything because i said so" he paused and looked at Matthew who found the ceiling very interesting at that very moment "so i can just open yours here. I don't know, doing in with everyone around would feel kind of..you know." Matthew knew, of course he did, so he nodded his head. They were dancing around each other and what they really wanted to say, but Matthew was okay with that for now. He's not ready for that conversation yet. He wants to make Gunwook smile for a little longer.

Gunwook quickly came back to the kitchen and started opening the present. Matthew suddenly felt anxious and leaned against the counter looking at Gunwook's every expression. "It's not anything special and i didn't know what you'd like to be honest, so don't get your hopes up it's just something small-"

"Hyung." he interrupted his rumbling "I'm sure i'll like it" he said with a soft smile as he finally opened it. Matthew was chewing on his bottom lip trying to decipher the look on his face as he was looking at the necklace. Did he hate it? Was he mastering up the courage to lie to Matthew that he likes it? 

"It's just a small bear, you know, because you look like bear- i mean not a real bear, more like a cute bear- i mean you know your fans and everything and i saw it and it reminded me of you but like if-if you don't like it we can return it it's not a big deal and-"

"I love it. Thank you Matthew." he looked up from the necklace and looked straight in Matthew's eyes. Matthew. I love it. Thank you. 

All the older one could do was nod, not trusting his voice. He liked it. He loved it and he called Matthew, Matthew. He's just Matthew now and the world started looking just a little bit prettier. "Can you help me put it on?" he said while approaching Matthew who immediately let go of his can. He stopped right in front of him and leaned down while giving the necklace to Matthew who took it with trembling hands. This is okay. Everything is okay, Gunwook being so close isn't affecting him at all or distracting him or torturing him. Matthew is normal, extremely normal actually. 

He got closer so he could look behind Gunwook's neck to close the clasp. His breath shuttered as Gunwook's perfume and smell took over his senses. His fingers accidentally touched his neck and he felt himself blushing. He felt like a teenage boy who managed to get his crush's attention. He prayed Gunwook didn't notice anything, he didn't want to make this uncomfortable for him. He moved back the moment he was done and he regretted it. If that was bad, his face being so close to Gunwook right now was hell. His eyes widened and he held his breath while the taller one didn't move away or straightened up. He cocked his head "Done?" he whispered and Matthew nodded his head, scared to open his mouth. He was blushing, his heart was beating like crazy and he was almost sweating. 

Finally Gunwook moved away and grabbed his phone to open his front camera and look at the necklace. He touched it and smiled to himself. 'Thank you, it's pretty." he looked at Matthew again who was trying to steady his breathing. He took a selfie and then directed the camera to Matthew "Can we take one together? You know as the present giver, it'd be cute." it was time for Gunwook to blush and look away and Matthew was going crazy, there's no way he could survive this. But once again, as everyone knows and is tired of hearing, Matthew can't say no to Gunwook so he moved closer to take the selfie. They snapped 2 or 3 and then Gunwook lowered his phone. 

Matthew quickly grabbed his can of forgotten coke and turned away "Come on let's go back. This is your birthday you shouldn't just disappear." he was using the cold can and his hands to make his cheeks less red not ready to embarrass himself in front of everyone. He feels dazed so he's not sure how he looks right now but he tries to get his shit together.

Hanbin looks at him, glances back and then returns his gaze with a raised eyebrow to Matthew who just hopes his hyung drops it, please. Matthew notices his previous seat was taken so he sits next to Gyuvin this time instead of opposite of him. He immediately regrets it though when he realises this was Gunwook's seat and now Gunwook is sitting next to him and Matthew wants to die because he just wanted to escape him for a second so he could calm down. Not happening, apparently. 

Soon after, they decided to bring out the cake and sing happy birthday to Gunwook. "Come on make a wish!" Gyuvin said enthusiastically and Gunwook closed his eyes before bringing his hands together. He blew out the candles and hugged everyone that wished him happy birthday again, before looking directly at Matthew and smiling. Matthew smiled back and all he managed was to mouth 'happy birthday' at him. But apparently that was enough for Gunwook because his smile got even bigger taking the cake with Hanbin and going in the kitchen to presumably cut it and start giving it out to everyone. 

"Did you make the coke from scratch? You were gone for so long." he heard a voice next to him and slightly jumped. "Oh Gwanhee-ssi. Oh sorry i was just, you know. Talking and stuff." he's not sure if he knows that the 2 boys are exes so he's not sure how much he can elaborate or how much he can say so he decides not to give him anything else. 

"It's okay, i'm joking. Just bored that's all."

"Oh you don't know anyone else here? There are many friends of Gunwook and Minwoo's here i thought you were all acquainted." 

"No we are. Just wanted to talk to you some more that's all." he said smiling and Matthew wasn't sure how to react so he smiled awkwardly. "Also, you can speak comfortably with me. I'm 1 year younger than you so you can just call me Gwanhee, hyung." Matthew wasn't really fond of people just taking the initiative to be informal with him, not when he didn't really know them but he decided to let it slide for Gunwook's sake. 

"Okay, sure." he said looking away and right at Taerae pleading with his eyes to save him. Taerae was of no help though, seeing he was drunk and clinging to his boyfriend. Matthew once again remembers why he hates couples and he turns to Hanbin. He's the number one offender when it comes to being gross with his partner, but thankfully Hao isn't here today so he won't have to sit through the torture of witnessing how sickly in love they are with each other even after 10 years together. He tried to get his attention but he was deep in a conversation with Jiwoong and he's not sure what's so interesting for those 2 drunk idiots right now, but it seems more important than Matthew's desperation. Does he need new friends? 

Gwanhee started talking again and Matthew was trapped once more. He's not stingy he really isn't, but there's just something about his being friends with Minwoo and the fact that he's talking informally to someone that he had a total of one brief interaction with. If you can't avoid it then enjoy it, Matthew thinks and with a sigh he indulges in whatever the younger one is talking about this time. 

After a while he found himself laughing because Gwanhee was telling him a story about Gunwook falling asleep in the recording booth, after having to re-do one single line for 3 hours. He remembers those days vividly, when the producers or the members themselves weren't satisfied and had to keep doing just one line or even one word over and over again. 

He looked at Gunwook and smiled reminiscing of those days. He used to be so hard on himself and Matthew is secretly glad that hasn't changed about him. It's something that he knows, something he can confirm and talk about. It's something that, even after all those years, he still knew better than anyone about Gunwook. It sounds sick, being happy that someone is still hard on themselves, but he needed this. He needed to hold on to something, hopeful that this, them, is not unrepairable.

Almost like he sensed someone was looking at him, he turned his head and caught Matthew staring at him. But the older wasn't shy or embarrassed this time. He smiled at him and Gunwook looked confused but not dissatisfied, so that was a good sign. He looked at his questioningly but he smiled back before turning back to his own conversation. This wasn't bad. This was good. This was okay. He could smile at Gunwook now without his heart aching, without feeling overwhelmed or the constant need to cry. Things were getting better.

The clock showed it was 11.30pm already and people had already started to leave. Some had jobs, some had partners waiting for them and some were too drunk and it was time for sleep. It didn't take long for house to be empty except from the Matthew, Taerae, Jiwoong, Gyuvin, Hanbin, Gunwook and Park Hanbin. Matthew could finally breathe easily again, not feeling tense with so many people around. He used to be the life of the party but that feels like it was ages ago, something so distant and unfamiliar, Matthew isn't sure it used to be true. 

"This feels like the OG's gathering." said Taerae and smiled with his dimples showing. 

"Of course you'd say that with your boyfriend being here." Matthew replied sarcastically and some of them laughed. 

"Are you jealous Seok Matthew? I dare you to call Taerae jagiya again." only the 3 of them laughed remembering the first time they met after Matthew returned to Korea. It felt like eons ago. "What if it's Taerae calling me jagiya?" Hanbin turned to his boyfriend with wide eyes and he looked at Matthew with the same eyes who was laughing loudly. "Okay, i think it's time for us to go, before Matthew actually costs me my relationship." 

"No, no it's okay, go ahead and call him jagiya. Or honey, or baby, or darling-" Taerae got off the couch and looked at everyone betrayed as they were laughing "Are you sure you assholes are my friends?" Gunwook got up to escort them to the door while the laughter quieted down. 

"Good night jagiya." Matthew yelled from his seat and he heard Taerae cursing him out but he didn't care. This felt nice. He was having a good time. 

"Are they going to be okay? Hanbin hyung looked kind of pissed." said Gunwook after he came back and Matthew shook his head. 

"That's how they are. Hanbin isn't really mad, i don't know it's a sick form of foreplay for them." and they all burst out laughing again, Hanbin and Jiwoong a little louder than the rest, with as they weren't sober yet. "Do i have to drive these 2 drunks home? They're manageable as individuals but together are so annoying." he said with a whine. "I can take them hyung. Ricky trusted me with his car today." he looked like a kid who managed to persuade their parents to buy the most expensive candy. In a way, it makes sense. 

"Are you sure about that? And are you sure you want to get those 2 in Ricky's car? I feel like he'll kill you if there's an...accident.." if these 2 throw up but he doesn't want to speak it into existence. Gyuvin shook his head again and stood up "Nuh, he said that it's okay, i'm telling you he gave me the green light today. Come on hyungs let's go. I need to face time Ricky before i fall asleep or he'll be sulky." he nagged both of them and they got up with some struggle.

Hanbin turned to Matthew and pointed a finger at him "You know Seokmae, just because i'm drunk doesn't mean i didn't hear you. I'm just a drunk to you? You're hurting my feelings." he took Jiwoong's hand in his and the older patted his head as to comfort him and Matthew looked ridiculously at the scene unfolding in front of him. "Okay, hyung, i'll treat you to lunch soon as an apology." that's all it took for him to smile again and lean against Gyuvin that was holding on to both of them to leave. 

"Wish me luck, i'm gonna text you if i die." Matthew chuckled and nodded, not trying to argue, as Gunwook opened the door for them and then closed it behind him. And that's when it hit Matthew. They were alone. In Gunwook's home. Just the 2 of them. What the fuck.

Gunwook must have just realised it himself because he froze a little bit when he saw just Matthew sitting on the couch not sure what to do. He looked behind him and then around, looking like he was glitching for a second there and Matthew, even at this panicking state, he found him adorable. 

"So, uh.." Gunwook started speaking as he sat on the couch "...did you like the cake?" they looked at each other in silence before both of them laughed at the same time and looked away. This was ridiculous right? It was ridiculous and they were getting along too fast and too well but they were never ones to follow the rules.

They were the first ones in the group to come out and say that they were a couple which led to Hanbin and Hao confessing as well (everyone was confused there because duh but they thought it was a secret). They loved each other unconditionally, loudly and with full force. They never shied away from being loving and cheesy and showcasing their fondness for each other publicly. They did everything 2 queer boys from the same group that were in a relationship shouldn't do. 

"The cake was wonderful thank you. Give me the number of the shop you bought it from, i'm getting one for my own birthday." 

"Oh? Then i guess i'm in cake duty for your birthday." he said with a simple smile on his face. "Because i made it. Thank you for the compliment i appreciate it." it wasn't cocky or arrogant because this was Gunwook, but he looked sheepish, almost like this was the reaction he wanted. 

"Well then, i guess i have no choice but to kindly ask you to assist me for my own birthday cake making." he's not sure where his confidence came from, maybe because it was almost midnight and he was tired and his guard was lowered, or maybe it was the comfort that came with being in good terms with Gunwook again. Or just Gunwook. He's not sure. Maybe all of the above. 

"I'll gladly help you, whenever you want." 

They started texting after that. Not that frequently, just some messages here and there but they were more than enough for Matthew. He could finally open their chat and instead of Gunwook's haunting texts from years ago, he saw a photo of some flowers, or a stray cat or a good morning hyung and it was perfect for Matthew. They had started to get to know each other all over again. Some things had stayed the same and Matthew was glad he knew at least something about Gunwook, but many other things had changed. It was okay though, because he was learning and Gunwook was learning too. Matthew had almost nothing to do with the person he was all those years ago. 

He talked about it with his therapist. Over the next 3 months she was checking in with him outside of their sessions, making sure that nothing like that night happens again and she can't help. But they both quickly realised that wasn't likely to happen. After their talk at Matthew's house when he appeared out of nowhere, there weren't any bad feelings anymore. Maybe some awkwardness, bitterness or even sadness sometimes but nothing bad. 

She could see that he was lighter, not so tense and up guard anymore. She kept telling him how proud of his progress she is, but kept reminding him that he shouldn't depend his mood on Gunwook. Matthew had to keep reminding himself that the best thing he could do was be okay. He had to be okay so he didn't cause any more pain to Gunwook, so he had to focus on improving his relationship with his own self. It was definitely easier said than done, but knowing that Gunwook was back in his life now, another weight was lifted off his chest. Another thing he could put down so he could keep working up towards his own happiness. 

April came and left, with Zerobaseone's 10th years anniversary making Matthew tear up live, thinking where he was this time last year. He didn't think he could come this far but he did. The highlight of that day was Gunwook texting him Happy 10 year anniversary to jebewon hyung. Let's be happy and celebrate more together it was simple but it was everything Matthew could ask for.

As May rolled around Matthew was anxiously thinking if he should text Gunwook about the cake. He was scared Gunwook had forgotten or maybe he had said it as a joke and Matthew took it seriously. It's not a big deal, it's a cake, but for Matthew everything that had to do with Gunwook was a big deal. Let's not forget that Matthew is still pretty much head over heels in eternal love with Gunwook. He's pacing around his room, phone on the bed not sure if he should text Gunwook. His birthday is just 3 days away and he should know if he should buy the ingredients for a homemade cake or if he should place an order at a bakery. 

He keeps writing a text, deleting it and abandoning his phone on his bed to walk around his room. He lays down on his stomach on the bed again opening his conversation with Gunwook. 

Hey Gunwookie, hope you're well. too formal they literally texted yesterday what is hope you're well?

Hey Gunwookie, how r u today? I was just wondering if- no wait what was he wondering again- 

- i was wondering if u remember that it's my birthday in a couple of days-

He deleted everything again sighing. Everything looks wrong, too formal or too lengthy. He picks it up to write again when he sees a new grey square on their messages. That wasn't there before. He yells and drops his phone on the bed realising Gunwook had texted him and he probably saw that Matthew was writing and he definitely saw that Matthew read it immediately. He picked up the phone hesitantly and scanned over his screen

Hey hyung, when should i come over for the cake?

Do you have the ingredients? Do you know what kind of cake you want?

I see you reading these lol

Did you forget that i'm making the cake:c 

The sad emoji at the end made Matthew kick his feet, imagining his cute face in a pout yeah okay concentrate. Gunwook texted him first, he didn't forget and he was happy to do it. Okay, act normal.

Hey Gunwookie

lol no i didn't forget dw

i was about to text u but u beat me to it

i was thinking cookies n cream

what do u think?

i can go buy the ingredients today 

Gunwook's text came immediately

Your love for cookies n cream is endless lolol

We can go buy the ingredients together, they may be too heavy 

Matthew wasn't about to argue that he had a car and they wouldn't be heavy at all, he wasn't about to pass the opportunity to be with Gunwook again. 

that would be nice

when r u free?

They kept texting and they decided on Thursday, 2 days from now, at 5pm, so they could immediately start baking as well. That's cool, that's perfect. He was going to go grocery shopping with Gunwook and then Gunwook will help him with his groceries and he will come up to his house and bake together. Perfect. Splendid. Cool. Okay. 

Matthew was looking at all the clothes on his bed, stressing about what to wear. Gunwook will be here in 15 minutes and Matthew hasn't found the right clothes to wear yet. He wants something comfortable but not so simple, but not fancy because this was literally a grocery date- it wasn't a date it was an outing, a help from a..friend, maybe, kind of, but he still wanted to look good but he didn't want to make Gunwook feel uncomfortable if he dressed up too much. So, Matthew was stressing. He would have called Ricky but he was working overtime today so he could make it to Matthew's birthday party tomorrow, so he couldn't disturb him. The clock was ticking and Matthew felt like he was stuck.

He realised he was staring at the pile of clothes for way too long when his phone buzzed and it was Gunwook. 

I'll be there in 5

Fuck. 5?! He grabbed his baggy black jeans and his purple hoodie and changed quickly. This wasn't the ideal outfit but he needed to go immediately, not wanting to make Gunwook wait. He quickly fixed his hair in the mirror and sprayed some perfume before hurriedly walking towards the door. He put his shoes and his jacket on before opening the door and seeing Gunwook behind it.

"Oh, hi hyung. I was about to knock, perfect timing." he said smiling and Matthew blinked at him. Because it had been over a month since he last saw Gunwook and he missed him and he looked, unsurprisingly, beautiful. 

They walked out of the building together and walked down the streets. The distance wasn't big, maybe 15-20 minutes walk but Matthew always drove to the grocery store since he usually shopped for the entire month. Today he decided to be selfish and walk with Gunwook to make their stay together longer (and maybe to see Gunwook carrying his groceries but he'd never really admit that). 

They had some small talk about their week and what has happened since they last saw each other. It was weird being close with Gunwook again, he wasn't entirely used to it but he wasn't going to complain. He could joke around with him again, not to the point of flirting like they always did before but they were cracking jokes like friends do. It hurt a little bit, but Matthew was never going to complain. He was willing to accept anything Gunwook gave him and if that was just his friendship, Matthew would feel honoured. 

After fighting over who should carry the heaviest bag (Gunwook won once again) they walked home again. They got inside the house and left the ingredients on the kitchen counter and started taking out the pans they'd need and then looked up the recipe again. "Okay so we're starting with the cake. We need the flour, the baking powder, the-" Gunwook lowered Matthew's phone making him look up. "Hyung, i know the recipe. Let me do it." he turned off the phone and started taking out the stuff. 

"What am i supposed to do then?" Matthew said with a pout and Gunwook looked at him for a second before opening pouring the ingredients in the bowl "You can just sit there and look pretty." Matthew is sure his face has turned bright red but he's thankful Gunwook hasn't looked up concentrated on the cake. Did he just call me pretty? He called me pretty right? Or was it more like hey if you shut the fuck up you'll be pretty? Okay no, i'm not that stupid i'll be 31 tomorrow i'm pretty sure he called me pretty. what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck- 

"Can you show me how your over works? I don't know how to use this one." Matthew got out of his head and blinked up at Gunwook. He could still feel himself blushing but he got up and walked closer to Gunwook to help him. "This is how you turn it on and this is how you raise and lower the temperature. For baking the cake you should click this one 3 times and see, the lighting is a bowl so this is the right one. Easy right?" he said smiling and looked up at Gunwook who was looking at him with a smile on his face. He nodded but something inside Matthew told him he wasn't really listening. 

"Did you hear me? Or do i have to repeat myself again?" he said in a teasing tone and Gunwook's cheeks got slightly more pink.

"I think you should repeat. I got...distracted." Matthew knows that friends can typically joke like this, he's not stupid, he jokingly flirts with his friends all the time. Those are his friends that he never dated before for years, so this may be different. Is it different? Maybe Gunwook is over him and sees him only as a friend so that's why he's so comfortable. 

Gunwook softly flicked his nose and he realised he hadn't stopped staring at the taller one "Get out of your head, i'm here. Show me how the oven works again." he bites his lip and lets it go with a sigh before showing Gunwook how it works again, this time making sure he listens. After Gunwook repeats everything after him he goes to sit down again and openly admire his back while moving around. Something caught on his throat watching him move in his kitchen. Gunwook was in Matthew's kitchen and he was baking his birthday cake and Matthew got slightly dizzy by how domestic this all feels. It feels right, it looks like Gunwook was made to be here, in Matthew's kitchen, house, life. It feels like wherever Matthew was there was always a Gunwook shaped place for him to fit right into. 

The house started smelling good after a while and he realised that he was actually staring at his back this entire time and he did feel kind of a creep. He saw him pouring the mix in the pan and placing it inside the oven, before grabbing the ingredients for the whipped cream. He threw them in a bowl and started beating fast. 

"Hey try this and tell me if you need it more sweet or anything." Gunwook said suddenly and moved over to Matthew who was sitting on a chair. He put his hand below the whisker where he was holding it close to Matthew's mouth and Matthew genuinely needed god right now, because this was very innocent but his thoughts weren't. He leaned forward and licked at the tip of the whisker and unconsciously looked up at Gunwook at that exact moment. The younger one was looking at him with intense eyes and Matthew felt like he was losing it. 

There's no way he looks at Taerae like that. I'm not crazy right? That can't be a friendly look. 

He licks again and moves away with a hum, not taking his eyes away from Gunwook, who was doing the same. He leaned his back on the chair and smacked his lips before smiling "I like this, it's good. Tastes just sweet enough." he says and Gunwook nods his head and snaps out of it. He goes back to what he was doing and Matthew is left alone with his thoughts again. So that just happened. I just did that. And he...liked it...like me? Does he like me? Oh my god does he like me? I don't think i could ever look at Taerae like that, gun to my head. And if Taerae looked at me like that? I would tell Hanbin because that feels like cheating. So yeah that didn't feel like a casual look. I'm smart, i'm an adult and i'm logical. It may not be what i'm feeling but it's definitely something. Okay perfect. I'm so calling my therapist when he leaves what the fuck. 

If someone could read his thoughts he would be too embarrassed to face the world because he really feels like a child, fighting the urge to giggle and kick his feet. 

After what felt like an eternity and 2 minutes at the same time, everything was ready. "The only thing left is spreading the cream on the cake now and we're set. Do you want to do it? It's fun." 

"Well this was supposed to be a 2 man mission, so i can at least do that, yes." He says sliding off the chair and taking the spatula to help. The moment he stands close to Gunwook though he feels something cold on his cheek and gasps. The younger starts giggling and immediately puts his hands up "It's a birthday tradition but i don't know if you'll doll up and i ruin any makeup you might put on so i had to do it now."

Matthew can't even stay mad so he just looks at him with narrowed eyes "So what i'm hearing is you think today i'm ugly right now so it's okay to ruin my face." Gunwook looks at him with a fond smile on his face and gets closer to him while shaking his head "You're still the same, aren't you" he says in a whisper and softly wipes the cream while looking in his eyes. "What is that supposed to mean" Matthew matches his hushed tone, scared he'll break whatever moment they're having right now.

"It's good. It's a good thing, Matthew." 

Talking to his therapist felt like calling your bestie and ranting about your crush without letting them get a word in. She was amused to say the least and that session ended with her wishing him luck. He's not sure she's supposed to say that but he'll take it because he needs a boost. 

Matthew didn't have many friends so no one was surprised when the only people at his house were his ex groupmates and 2-3 other friends he had made during his career that didn't abandon him or he didn't abandon them. Once more Hao wasn't able to come and as happy as he is for his friend's successful career, he does miss him a lot. Jiwoong had to be out of country for a new role so he couldn't make it either. After he and Gunwook made up he wished they could all gather together again and have fun but they haven't been able to do that yet. It'll happen eventually, Matthew hopes. 

The house is loud, people are all talking together and laughing and Matthew hasn't seen his house so alive before. It feels weird but not in a bad way. Hanbin plops down next to him and smiles "How's our birthday boy? Are you enjoying your time?" 

"Yes, hyung i am. It would be nice if Hao hyung and Jiwoong hyung were here though. The party would feel complete." Hanbin looked at him understandingly and nodded his head "Yeah it would be nice if all 9 of us met again together." 

They started a comfortable conversation about life lately and what they've been up to. Matthew chooses not to talk about what happened yesterday with Gunwook, saving it for a day with more privacy. Taerae walked over shortly after whining that his boyfriend abandoned him for Ricky. Sure enough, the 2 of them were deep in a conversation that Taerae called stupid but apparently more important than me. Matthew reminded him that he hates their relationship and Taerae called him a jealous bitch. Life was simple. 

"Hyung, should we go bring the cake?" he jumped hearing the voice coming from behind him "Jesus, Gunwook don't just snick up on people like that." but he still excused himself, ignoring the looks he got from him friends that clearly said why is Gunwook taking the initiative of bringing the cake which was a dumb thing to ask because firstly they were in friendly terms now so he could ask things freely and secondly Gunwook could ask Matthew if he could jump off the cliff and Matthew would sprint off of it. They should be used to it by now, honestly. 

"It's in the other fridge actually, i didn't want to risk the cake smelling like egg or kimchi or something." he says as he directs them in the small storage room next to his bedroom. "I have all kinds of things in here, including a fridge actually. It's the owner's but i already brought my own fridge so i keep it here just in case." Gunwook nodded as they entered the room. Matthew opens the fridge and Gunwook takes out the cake looking at it. 

"We did good didn't we?" he said with a proud smile and Matthew fought the urge to pinch his cheeks. 

"You did all the work but sure, let's say we did good." 

They move back to the leaving room with the cake and some candles Matthew had bought. 31. He couldn't believe he was actually 31, an age that felt like eons ahead when he was in his early 20s. 

They all sang happy birthday to him and waited for him to blow on the candles. 

I just want happiness for me and my friends. I want Gunwookie to be happy. He blew out the flames and everyone cheered, hugging him and wishing him again. 

Gunwook had waited for everyone to finish before moving close to him. Matthew smiled expectantly at him, hoping that maybe he'll get a hug. "Happy birthday  hyung." he said before quickly picking some cream off the cake and touching Matthew's nose. He heard people laughing around them but he was just looking at Gunwook annoyed. "It's not really my fault you fell for it twice." the younger one said with a smile and Matthew gasped fake offended before picking up the cake and moving to the kitchen.

"Hey, you're not actually mad right? I was just trying to prove something." he said as he popped his hip against the counter next to Matthew. 

"Prove what?" he wasn't really mad he was mainly amused but he wanted to hear Gunwook's excuse.

"That you look pretty no matter what." he said and Matthew blushed remembering what they had said the day before. He looked away searching for a knife "I already know that." he said trying to save himself from the embarrassment. Gunwook takes the knife from him and starts cutting the cake. 

"I'm glad you know that. I just wanted you to know what i think." they stared at each other for a couple of seconds before Gunwook continued his task. "You can always wipe it off you know. I won't be offended." Matthew had almost forgotten the frosting was still on his nose but now that it is...

"Maybe i want you to help me." he said because yeah he's not a child he knows when he's being flirted with. Gunwook was very openly flirting and he wasn't going to fumble this chance. Gunwook raised his eyebrows, not expecting that response but he didn't look displeased. He looked behind them, a small counter separating the two places and everyone was having too much fun talking to notice the 2 of them. "Let me help you then." he said as he moved closer. Matthew stepped back feeling the edge of the counter on his skin but he still couldn't take his eyes away from Gunwook who was dangerously close to him. He raised his hands and slowly moved them towards Matthew's face. He was giving the smaller one an outing, a chance to tell him to back off but he didn't. of course not. 

His hands were warm against Matthew's cheeks as he was caressing them softly. Matthew felt the need to cry suddenly, with the care and affection that Gunwook was touching him. He longed for this in secret, in pain, in sadness. He slowly used his thumb to clean the top of his nose from the cream and then leaned in. Matthew didn't want to give himself fake hope, so he just stared as Gunwook moved. The taller one looked in Matthew's eyes one more time before placing a warm kiss on his cheek. Matthew felt a tear escape his eye but it didn't take long for Gunwook to kiss over it as well, not letting it stain Matthew's face for long. He bit his lips as he tried not to sob but he's sure Gunwook can feel how tense he is. 

Gunwook must know what this means to him. Gunwook isn't cruel, he wouldn't do this if it didn't really mean anything for him either. 

"Happy birthday Matthew. Thank you for being in my life again." he said as he found a tissue to wipe the cream on. Matthew lost it. He let a pathetic sound leave his throat before tightly hugging Gunwook's waist and burying his face in his chest. Out of instinct Gunwook's hands found Matthew's shoulders and held him steadily. 

"Thank you for letting me be in your life again." They were going to be okay.

He doesn't know for how long they stayed like that but it must have been long enough for Taerae to walk over "Are we getting that cake today- oh never mind bro my bad." he did a U-turn and even though he was embarrassed for being caught he couldn't help laughing at his friend's reaction. 

"Jesus, if you're going to be disgusting at least do it after you've cut the cake" he hears him murmuring before walking away. 

"I'm going to spit in your piece." Matthew says loudly so he could hear him. All he got in return was a 'yum!' so he didn't bother, instead turning to help Gunwook. 

The rest of the night was chill and cozy. No one was drunk, Matthew had said that there won't be any alcohol so if they want some they should bring it themselves. Some of them actually did but it wasn't anywhere near enough to get them drunk so they were all pretty much okay. He felt a buzz from his phone and he opened it to see a text from Gunwook. He looked up at him questionably but the other just motioned with his head to the phone. 

Can i be the last one to leave?

I'd like to talk to you some more. 

Matthew blushed for the nth time that night and hid his head in his hands to hide the stupid smile that formed on his face. He's chill, he's okay, he's normal about this. Gunwook just wants to talk to him some more, alone apparently, cool, cool, fine. 

He raised his head and found Gunwook looking at him with a smirk on his face. Was this his plan from the beginning? To make Matthew look like a fool in love in front of everyone? He definitely succeeded. He nodded his head while looking at him and Gunwook showed his gummy smile making Matthew's heart do a double flip. A triple flip. How many flips can a heart do before giving up?

Matthew doesn’t know the answer to that but he knows he needs everyone gone. Now. The solution is only one, Kim Taerae.

leave 

take ur bf and leave rn

and make everyone leave too

im being fr kim taerae

i will kms ong

Taerae looked at him like he was crazy and maybe he was but all he needed right now was his alone time with the love of his life. 

“Wow, look at the time i’m so tired!” he heard his friend exclaim and he could kiss him for not asking questions and just going with it. 

Maki looked at his watch and gasped “Woah, it’s late, we’re gonna head out too.” 

It took about half an hour before they were finally alone. Gunwook immediately turned and looked at him sceptically but with amusement all over. “Did you have to do anything with everyone suddenly leaving?”

Matthew stretched his hands and looked around innocently “Not sure what you’re talking about. It was just getting late” 

“So it had nothing to do with you texting like crazy and Taerae looking at you like you were crazy? Two completely unrelated things?” he came and sat close to Matthew on the couch and the smaller one pouted and crossed his arms. 

“God forbid someone wants to spend time with their bo- with their friend.” he almost slipped up but he caught himself, too easy to fall back into their old ways. But they shouldn't.

Gunwook leaned his head on the back of the sofa staring at Matthew and the older copied his position. “I’m honoured then.” he says softly and Matthew misses him. Misses him so much. 

“Wookie.” he whispered and he saw Gunwook’s eyes widen as he leaned forward almost like he couldn’t stop himself. “I miss you, Wookie.” he saw him surging forward putting his hands on Matthew’s cheeks as the older one pleaded with his eyes “Please.” 

He didn’t need to say it twice.

Their kiss was soft but deep. Matthew gasped at the familiarity of it, their lips moving together like they never forgot each other. His hands ran up his chest, his shoulders, his back anywhere he could touch, to feel him again. Gunwook tilted his head just right to deepen the kiss and didn’t let go even as the need for air was burning. Matthew whined again and Gunwook tightened his grip on his waist and pushed him back a little bit. 

“I missed you, baby” he heard the younger say and Matthew gasped again at the nickname he had missed. Gunwook started kissing on his jaw and neck “Say it again. Please” 

“Baby. I missed you so much baby” Gunwook stopped and looked up as he heard Matthew sob. 

“I’m sorry, I just missed you so much. Thank you and i’m sorry.” They had promised they wouldn’t apologise to each other again, letting go of the past but also learning how to live with it, getting to know each other with no negative feelings lingering over them.

But Matthew couldn’t help but apologise while looking at him. He had hurt him, made him believe he wasn't loved for years, creating wounds that are still not fully healed. 

"Let go Matthew. Stop apologising. You did what you did, you hurt me but.. you also hurt yourself. I can't stay mad at you knowing how much you suffered in silence all those years. It hurt. It still does sometimes but- you told me before…you-do you...do you still regret it?" he asked hesitantly but hope was evident in his eyes. 

"My answer is still the same. All i wanted was to keep you safe from my pain, from hurting you. But all i did was hurt you." 

"Okay then. You regret it and that's all that matters. We can work together to build everything again. I know i want to try one more time with you. I love you and i don't want to lose you i don't want us to suffer alone anymore." Matthew sobbed again at what Gunwook said. "You love me?" the younger looked shocked, he hadn't even realised he had said it. 

"I love you, Wookie. I love you so much. I never stopped loving you." he kissed his forehead, his eyes, his cheeks while murmuring 'i love you's in between. He kissed away the tears on the younger's face, trying to heal the wounds that have been open this entire time.

"You don't have to say it again. I know i love you and i never stopped. I know i want to do this again with you so- so whenever you feel safe again you can come to me and tell me. No matter how long it takes. I'll work so hard to not hurt you again, i'll work so hard to gain your trust. I'll never stop loving you and showing you my love unless you tell me so. And then i'll just love you in silence. Take your time, darling. I love you." Gunwook was staring at him with wide eyes and he almost looked like the young man he fell in love with all those years ago. He looked so open and so vulnerable, listening to his hyung and hanging on every word that came out of his mouth. 

He nodded his head and rested his forehead on Matthew's "Thank you, hyung. I'm here now. Let's do this together, every step of the way." 

They both smiled weakly at the promise of a shared future. It wasn't going to be easy, the uncertainty still lingering in the air but they both wanted to get better. Be better. As individuals and as a unit. The process anything but linear, with many bumps in the way that could stop them from finding happiness together again. But it was going to be okay, both of them willing to fix the bumps, work around them, above them. Matthew loved Gunwook and Gunwook loved Matthew, the foundation of their relationship. Now it was time to build on their love. Trust, transparency, honesty, respect, vulnerability. 

They were going to be okay. 

Matthew buried his head in Gunwook's chest and hugged him tightly, unwilling to let go. "I love you. You can take your time, i'll be here. If you stay a little longer i'll show you i'm going to do it right this time. Just stay a little longer."