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Sometimes I forget you and the vice commander are a couple.
Granted, you knew what you were getting into when you started your relationship. Hijikata is a stoic man, he likes to project an image according to his reputation. The demonic vice commander of the Shinsengumi would be caught dead before being seen cuddling in public. Farthest he would go was taking your hand, and that was pushing it, he would prefer for you to hold his arm as you walk. So naturally, it would be normal for the rest of the Shinsengumi to not see you as Hijikata’s partner. Even if you spend almost everyday at their quarters, helping with some errands or cleaning the place a bit, just to spend more time with your lover. Even if, alongside Kondo, you were the only one who would call him “Toshi”. And even if you tried to steal a few kisses on his cheeks once in a while just to make him blush.
At the privacy of your home the story was different, behind closed doors, Hijikata was an attentive and generous partner. A gentle lover. He would whisper sweet nothings between kisses, about how mesmerizing you looked with your outfit that day, or he would like to spend an hour or two, laying on bed, half naked just caressing and feeling your body, with your relaxed breathing as the music that accompanied him as he tried to memorize every inch of you, not only with his eyes, but also with his touch, his ears, his nose, every sense invested in silent devotion, so if one day he was ever to lose any of them, he would still remember how it felt.
Private and public Hijikata were to different people. You knew that better than anyone. Then why did it sting so much when Kamiyama said that.
Another day at the Shinsengumi headquarters started and as soon as the opportunity to be far away from Hijikata arose, you took it. Your mind had been dwelling way too much in that inner conflict of yours, and seeing him only made you spiral further and further, you needed to think of something else if you wanted to keep your sanity. So thanks Yamazaki appeared struggling with a few boxes and documents piled one under the other, trying not to let any of them fall.
After that, you maintained your routine, walking around the place, helping some of the guys, and occasionally your lover. If Hijikata noticed that you didn’t try to kiss his cheeks when you finished the favor, he didn’t comment on it.
At midday, you came back with the bag of food Sougo had entrusted you with for lunch. You looked out for him around the building, and found him outside, taking a nap. You planned on leaving the food next to him, silently, not wanting to disturb him, yet he had other plans in mind.
“Thank you.” He startled you.
“Oh, you’re welcome. I thought you were asleep.”
“I was” You looked at him as he took off his sleeping mask, confused, yet decided not to say anything. This was Sougo we were talking about.
“Okay, enjoy your food then, is there anything else you need? I’m going with Toshi to make him eat something, but I could do one more errand before that”
“Is everything between you okay?”
“I’m sorry?” He seemed to ponder his next words.
“You know I like to mess with him, right?”
“Yes, I am very aware of that, Sougo” You deadpanned, remembering all the times he almost left you without your lover. “You are very vocal about it too”
“So you know I’m always keeping an eye on him”
“Sougo, I don’t know if I’m following”
“I notice the changes, y/n, even the small ones, that’s what I’m saying” You both looked each other in the eye, only the distant bicker of the Shinsengumi was heard. Before you could come up with something to say, he broke eye contact and started setting up his food “Just wanted to check up. You are dismissed, go and enjoy Hijikata as long as you can, I may be successful in my goals one of these days”
You sighed as the tension dissipated (Was there even tension in the first place?). Waved him goodbye for the moment and went to your boyfriend, convincing yourself you were paranoid with all the things going on inside your head.
He may have brushed it off in front of you, but this was Sougo, and if he excelled at something was at keeping people on their toes. You would be hyper aware of your boyfriend, and that fucking kid, getting lost in your thoughts, or getting startled if any of those two merely looked at you.
“Y/n!”
You stopped and turned around following the source of the call. It was Isao. “Kondo? What's wrong?” He smiled and approached excitedly. Way too excited.
“You’re a woman, right?” You inhaled, preparing yourself, knowing anything could come up from that man’s mouth.
“Last I checked, yes, I am”
“Then how…” A beat, and for a moment he seemed, actually, kind of ashamed “How do you make a woman fall in love with you?”
“Excuse me?”
“It’s just” He pulled his hair, groaning “I have tried everything, but Otae seems absolutely immune to my charms, I’m looking for new ways to caught her attention”
“For starters, you could stop… visiting unannounced”
“Y/n! I’m being serious! I need real advice” You sighed again, trying to think of something he could find useful, as annoying as Kondo could be when it came to his affections, he meant well, and if you were honest, you would like to see him settling down with someone to keep him company.
“Make her feel special”
“But how?!”
“Be thoughtful,” he tilted his head, silently asking for you to elaborate “show her that she’s special for you, and let her know you want people to know you’re serious about it, and not just trying to find a way to sleep with her, or to have a body next to you at night, or just someone to get your dick warm” You gasped, just noticing that as you spoke, your speed increased. “Sorry”
You looked him in the eye, and saw his face had changed. It was still curious, but his eyes weren’t daydreaming anymore, you saw that focused shine his eyes got anytime he read through someone’s shell. It was something you noticed during your time in the Shinsengumi. Even though everyone constantly made fun of him, Isao was a highly observant man, especially when it came to his people’s feelings. And as much as it warmed your heart to know that he was considering you one of them, you weren’t prepared for him trying to inquire in your mind right now.
“I’m sorry, Kondo, one of the guys ask me to buy him a cake from the shop, I gotta go before they run out of them” And as you basically run away from him, Kondo chose to stay silent at the fact that you never spoke of someone without using their names, or how a cake shop hardly would run out of it.
Something at the back of Hijikata’s mind tried to set an alarm of something being off with you, but he had ingrained the fact that, if something were to be wrong, you would go and ask him to talk about it, so if you hadn’t reached to him, then it mustn't be something so terrible, and then he forgot about it. Sougo, on the other hand, kept his silent watch, he noticed how you always asked if anyone needed one more errand before going to Hijikata, instead of going directly after a certain hour like you used to. How you entertained Kondo’s antics a little bit more, making Hijikata wait for you instead of going home as soon as the end of the shift allowed it. How sometimes Hijikata would be talking to you and then you would have to ask him to repeat himself, since you were distracted. And Hijikata, Hijikata didn’t show anything.
It was the end of the week, and after Kondo seek him out just to ask him if he, too, noticed the rare air between the “lovebirds” (as he liked to called you two), to which he had to feign delusion or else Kondo would drag him to one of his plans, he decided he needed to do something, and fast. Or at least, before his commander decided to act on his own.
“Hijikata!”
“What do you want?” answered the other, without letting his eyes off of the reports.
“I have information on that terrorist Katsura”
“What is it?” Now, he was watching him.
“I can’t say it here, is top secret information”
“Sougo, we are alone”
“I can’t say it, we need to go to one of the meeting rooms” Hijikata took the cigarette hanging on his lips and threw it to the floor, stepping on it. He knew Sougo enough, he would have to follow his theatrics if he wanted to know what he was actually hiding.
Hijikata went with Sougo to one of the meeting rooms, and he couldn’t help but notice that it was one of the farthest rooms, away from the main hall and most of the noise. When Hijikata got inside, Sougo spurted “I forgot something” and closed the door before Hijikata could even react, letting him locked up.
“Sougo!, hey, Sougo!” Hijikata sighed and decided to sit on the floor, back to the wall, waiting for Okita to finish his tantrum or for someone else to come up near the place, so he could ask for help, right now, it was absolutely useless.
Not even 5 minutes passed when he felt footsteps on the corridor, he was about to scream for help, when he heard your voice in the next room.
“Sougo, what are we doing here?”
“Sougo, what are we doing here?” You were confused to say the least, Sougo had approached you saying something about needing help without offering any more detail.
“Sit”
“Sougo, I am kind of busy right now, I promised Yamazaki I would help him sort some information he gathered in yesterday’s mission, and if you ask me, he seemed really overwhelmed, I don’t really have time to play games, right now.”
“Why don’t you break up with Hijikata?”
“Excuse me?” You were taken back to say the least, so much that you didn’t hear the thud that sounded suspiciously close to someone hitting his head with the wall in the next room.
“Why don’t you break up with–”
“No, I heard you, I meant… what?”
“You aren’t subtle, y/n, Hijikata may be a constipated idiot, but I have eyes” At that, you went and sat in front of him.
“What do you mean?”
“You tell me, that comment made you sit, didn’t it?” You looked at him in the eyes, there was something behind them, like he was trying to prove something but you couldn’t pinpoint what, or to whom, his eyes had that kind of faraway look as if he were looking at something beyond you.
“Okay, first of all I am not breaking up with him, I think, it’s just…”
“You think?”
“No, I am not doing it”
“But you weren’t sure”
“Stop!” You almost screamed, overwhelmed by the sudden interrogation, confused even by your own feelings. “I know you’ve noticed my… weird attitude lately, it’s just… you know him, and I do too, I know how he is, I’m not gonna ask more about him, but sometimes I can’t help but wonder if… if he really loves me” Sougo was about to interject, but you didn’t let him “Like, I know he likes me, but… sometimes I do wish for him to be a little more affectionate, maybe?” You finished, unsure of what you were saying, the truth is that since you occupied your mind with chores, you didn’t even try to face or understand your own feelings, and now, being pushed by Okita’s pressure, it felt like you were throwing everything up. “When we’re alone, he’s perfect, he’s attentive and everything anyone could dream of, but when we are in public, that’s just… gone. It’s like I’m with a completely different person, and I know that’s just him, I love him, but does he love me or just my body?”
This time, a deafening silence fell between you two.
“Sorry, sorry, that was horrible, I shouldn’t have said that, I make him sound like he’s an asshole or something, it’s not like that, I swear, it’s–”
“Y/n, you don’t have to justify anything you say to me.”
“I’m sorry” Another short silence.
“Break up with him”
“Why are you so insistent with that?”
“He doesn’t make you feel loved, does he?”
“He does!”
“Doesn’t sound like it”
“Why do you care so much?!”
And Sougo wishes not to know the answer to that question. He swears to all the gods and deities, because he would rather die than pass through this again. But he knows. He knows exactly why he cares, and it’s because looking at you; your face, the adoration on your eyes whenever you saw Toshirou, that calm demeanor that surrounded both of you when you were together.
You reminded him way too much of Mitsuba.
“Because I am not letting that moron breaking any more hearts”
After that, Sougo let you go. A quiet understanding passed between you two that that conversation was meant to never be mentioned again. You both have made way too personal confessions to each other. You kept thinking about it, and now that you voiced your concerns out loud, things didn’t feel so dense. There wasn’t that fog on your mind anymore, you still felt a bit unsure and thought that you should speak to Hijikta about it. If it made Sougo this concerned, maybe there was an issue worth talking about after all. You kept wandering the place, absentmindedly helping the guys. You passed through Toshirou’s office once, but he wasn’t there. Maybe he got a call on the field while you were away speaking with Okita.
After helping Yamazaki sorting what you promised, you decided it would be a day for you. You did a few rounds, still not finding your lover, and when you were about to go to Kondo, asking about it, you saw him appear through the same corridor you passed just a few hours ago.
“Hey, sweetheart” You called him, he looked at you for a few seconds, you noticed an almost millimetric frown on his lips, and when you were about to ask if everything was alright, he hugged you. “T-Tosshi?”
You didn’t mind the affection, but this was so out of character for him, that you couldn’t help but notice the headquarters going silent. All the Shinsengumi looking at you, confused, expectant, but everyone, in complete and utter silence.
When he let go of you, he looked you in the eye, hands on your shoulders, he kind of reminded you of some kind of feral animal repressing his anxiety. “Why don’t we go try that new ramen place that opened down the street? I heard excellent reviews, I thought you may like it”
“Uhm, o-okay”
“Wait here” He went to his office, you stayed there, looking at the place he was just standing, and then you looked around, everyone was still watching you. You and the rest of the Shinsengumi looked at each other for a moment, as if asking the other, hey, did that really happened?, only when Hijikata’s footsteps coming back were heard, the place slowly resumed their tasks.
Toshirou came back with all of your belongings, ready to get out of the Shinsengumi quarters. “Let’s go” he took your hand, and if you were about to say anything, now you weren’t, because: He. Took. Your. Hand.
“Tosshi, is everything alright?” You saw him flinch, and then gave you an awkward smile as you made your way out of headquarters.
“Sure, why wouldn’t it be?
“Well, you seem… let’s say volatile” He waited for you to be a bit further away from the Shinsengumi.
“I… I don’t know if we should have this conversation in the street” He looked troubled, and you felt your stomach sinking. He must have sensed it, because he immediately looked at you, and judging by the expression on his face when he saw yours, you were pretty transparent about it. “No! No! Don’t worry, it is nothing terrible, I hope, I think, ugh”
He groaned and let go of your hand for a moment to light up a cigarette. He took a drag of it, and feeling a little bit more composed, he took your hand again.
“I heard you”
You kept your eyes on him, waiting for elaboration, but then the implications of that sentence clicked on your brain, and he knew you didn’t need any more explanation.
“Oh”
“Yes, ‘Oh’”
“I didn’t know you felt like that”
“I didn’t tell you” A beat.
“Why?”
“I thought… I thought everything was inside my head, which if you think about it, it was.” He chuckled “Kamiyama just made a comment about us, and I let it go to my head”
“What did he say?” He replied, sounding a bit more defensive than what he intended.
“Tosshi…”
“I’m curious! I won’t do anything to him, I swear”
“I hope so” You pushed him playfully “He just said something about him forgetting we were a couple, cause we never act like it in public… or not as much as others do, and I thought, maybe you were ashamed of me, or that you didn’t really love me, which is ridiculous, because I know you do, my brain knows that, but I couldn’t help to feel… I don’t know, alluded”
“It’s fine, I get it”
“No, it’s not”
“It is, because it doesn’t matter how many times I tell you ‘I love you’ if I don’t have actions to back up that statement” At that, you stayed silent, unable to refuse. “I’ll do better from now on. Don’t expect gigantic gestures or poems, you know I’m not cut for that, but I swear I’ll find a way, small ways, at least one each day, to remind you how important you truly are for me” And for the first time in a while, you allowed yourself to relax, showing him that smile that made his heart skip a beat.
“And I’ll make sure to do the same for you”