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My phone buzzes, and I reach out to pick it up off the coffee table, yawning. I’m stretched out on the sofa half-watching a movie but really I’m bored out of my mind so any distraction is actually kind of welcome.
It’s Ethan. vic I fucked up
What? I hurriedly tap out a reply. what? what happened?
you can forget the plan.
Wait, what?
what happened?
He’s been planning to ask Damiano to marry him for weeks at this point. Roped both me and Thomas into it all, and it’s been getting more and more elaborate every time I’ve talked to him about it. And now it’s all off?
He doesn’t respond for slightly too long, and I text again. Eth, what happened? Are you okay?
Because the only thing I can think of is that something has happened to make him think he isn’t going to get the answer he wants. Or that he shouldn’t even be asking.
Still no response.
what the fuck is going on, Eth? did you two break up or something?
I mean, I wouldn’t put it past them. They’ve been completely fucking inept throughout this whole thing, from the moment Ethan first put that blonde goddess wig on. I mean. I’m sure you remember the Jolene incident.
And then finally he manages to reply.
no. I kind of asked him accidentally.
Oh, for fuck’s sake.
how the fuck do you ask someone to marry you accidentally? and what did he say?
we were in the supermarket and the box fell out of my pocket in the middle of the cheese aisle and he picked it up and it was open and he saw inside and now it’s all ruined
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Ethan likes to make out that he’s not dramatic, or at least not as dramatic as Damiano, but let me tell you that he is giving Damiano a very good run for his money right now.
but you asked him, right? what did he say?
we planned it all it was going to be perfect and now it’s just all gone wrong
Ethan. what did he SAY?
he said yes. but I didn’t want to do it like that. in the cheese aisle in the supermarket. I wanted it to be special.
I’m torn between laughing and facepalming. I’m relieved that they’re okay, fucking overjoyed that Damiano said yes, and incredibly fucking amused that after all of that fussing they’ve managed to get engaged in the fucking cheese aisle.
well I think neither of you is ever going to forget it so that’s pretty special I reckon.
also let’s focus on the important part here. he said YES, right?
He doesn’t reply for a moment, but then the ‘typing’ dots appear.
he did. 😊
well then. that’s the main thing, right?
I guess. and the other people there kind of applauded. so I guess it’s all over the internet now.
Ah, fuck. Of course. We can’t do anything in public these days. Let alone get fucking engaged. Fuck’s sake.
do you want me to run interference with management?
I am very happy to do that, of course. The PR people can do their jobs for once. Although I don’t know exactly how public they’re wanting to be with this. They’ve been being pretty subtle about it, if you don’t count the absolutely blatant mutual checking-out they were doing at the VMAs, but then that was before they did anything about it all. So yeah, there’s another layer to that I fucked up that Ethan sent me earlier.
I don’t know. we haven’t really talked about it yet.
well it’s out there now. up to you two what you want to do about it. you can always style it out. also congratulations, I’m so fucking delighted for you both.
thank you. 😊
And then a message comes into the group chat from Damiano.
hey get yourselves down to the bar there is champagne on ice. or at least there will be when we get there. apparently we are getting fucking married. 😁😍🤩
so everything is okay I text Ethan.
yeah. everything is okay. I just… this isn’t how I imagined it. comes back.
sweetheart, nothing in life goes according to plan, I thought you knew that by now. the important thing is that he said yes. you can figure everything else out from here.
I guess. everyone was really nice. in the supermarket.
of course they were. everyone loves a proposal. also everyone loves you two. it’ll be huge when you finally do the deed. national fucking holiday. chill out and let’s go drink some champagne.
He doesn’t reply to that, but then I guess he doesn’t have to. I get myself off the sofa, out of my pyjamas and into something more bar-appropriate, and then head out of the house and down the street. Thomas has texted me in the meantime, but all he has to say is 🤣🤣🤣 and quite frankly I don’t blame him.
When I get to the bar the atmosphere is already more or less stratospheric, mostly due to Damiano, who is pinging around and showing off his very sparkly ring finger to anyone who’ll look at it. Ethan is sitting in our usual corner looking simultaneously absolutely mortified and utterly delighted, and I make straight for him, never mind getting myself a drink at the bar, there’s a magnum of champagne in an ice bucket on the table and any number of glasses waiting to be filled.
“So what the fuck happened?” I demand, sliding in next to Ethan and tucking myself into his side. “I mean, him managing to propose by mistake I could understand, but you?”
He makes a frustrated little noise.
“I had it in my pocket,” he says, sounding more than a little bit despairing. “And then we were picking up some cheese, for fuck’s sake. And I don’t even know what happened, but I dropped it. It fell out of my pocket. And he picked it up, the box, and it had broken open when it fell on the floor, and he saw it, and I couldn’t… I couldn’t just say it was nothing. So I had to…”
Damiano piles into my lap at this point. “So he just went ‘I was going to ask you but not like this’ and I went ‘wait are you proposing?’ and he went ‘uh’ and I went ‘fuck’s sake of course the answer is yes’ and then everyone cheered. In the cheese aisle. I cried all over the cheese.” He sounds and looks absolutely fucking delighted, and I can’t help wondering whether actually he’d have preferred this to the more and more elaborate plans Ethan has been coming up with, the further he’s gotten himself into all of this. Ethan has been thinking he needs to make some giant production of it but actually… actually, this is the most romantic thing I’ve heard of all fucking year. Surely the point is the question and the answer? It doesn’t matter how it gets asked, the important thing is that the answer is yes.
And then Thomas joins us, sliding in on Ethan’s other side and grinning all over his face.
“You know what this means, Damià,” he says. “You can start denying he’s your boyfriend again. Because he’s your fiancé now.”
“Oh, fuck, yeah,” says Damiano, grinning even more widely. “I can! And I can do it to everyone! Because everyone fucking knows, now. The band-aid is off already.” He leans over to kiss Ethan very thoroughly indeed. “Management can just fucking deal with it. What are we paying them for?” He sits up again, grinning that shit-eating grin of his. It’s taken him a while to adjust, but once he got his head round it he’s settled into being queer like it was always his natural habitat. Or at least, where Ethan is concerned.
“Exactly,” says Thomas. “You’re probably viral by now, I haven’t checked but I bet you are. Takes some of the pressure away, and management can deal with the rest of it.” He gives us one of his sunniest smiles. “In the meantime, don’t you think we should be doing that magnum of champagne justice?”
He picks up the bottle and pours out four glasses, since none of us appears to actually have one right now, and lifts his, mischief sparkling in his eyes.
“To unexpected proposals and lifelong happiness,” he says, and I feel myself wanting to cry, all of a sudden. I swallow hard and clink my glass against the other three, hoping they haven’t noticed.
“I will absolutely drink to that,” Damiano says. “Although now I’m wondering what you planned, baby.”
Ethan just looks at him, looking like a deer in the headlights.
“I uh,” he says. “I had a… there was going to be flowers. And it was going to be a lot more private. And uh. I had the most amazing wig.” He looks completely crestfallen.
Damiano just shrugs and leans forward to kiss him again.
“Well, you can show me the wig later, can’t you?” He waggles his eyebrows. “As for the rest of it, we can take it in bits if you want. Flowers here, champagne there.” He tilts his glass. “Champagne here. It’s all okay. And I’m totally going to marry you, whenever the time is right for us to actually do it.”
“Okay,” Ethan says, and there’s a smile starting to tug at the corners of his mouth.
“Just think of the dress you can wear, Eth,” I point out. “If you’re doing it properly this time. It can be even more spectacular than the last one. I am absolutely going shopping with you.”
“Oh,” he says. “Yeah.” And the smile is getting a little wider.
“Wear your real hair though, baby,” Damiano says, twining a lock of Ethan’s hair round his fingers. “I like the wigs, but this is - this, I love.”
“Okay,” Ethan says again, “if that’s what you want.”
“Totally,” Damiano grins, and then they’re kissing again.
I shove Damiano gently from my lap onto Ethan’s and lean round them, looking at Thomas.
“Only these two could get engaged in the cheese aisle.” I roll my eyes. “Idiots.”
Thomas grins. “Yeah, but they’re our idiots. And you can’t say you’re surprised.”
“True. For fuck’s sake.” I sip my champagne. “I guess we’re kidding ourselves if we think they’re actually getting married without incident.”
“Oh yeah. None of that is going to go according to plan and you know it.” Thomas clinks his glass against mine. “At least life is never boring with them around.”
And I can’t deny that. I mean. Look how they brightened up my very dull afternoon.