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“I’m leaving” he had announced.
They all stilled around the already tense dinner table. His sister glared at her plate like it would somehow make Zanka normal again. His brother’s gaze shifted between everyone, gauging their reactions. His father pointedly did not look at him, and his mother… His mother just looked sad.
He got up, leaving his plate almost untouched.
“Goodbye,” he said, hoping nobody heard the quivering of his voice.
When he left the dining room, no one came after him.
…
Zanka was busy putting away clothes into his bag when someone knocked on his bedroom door. He elected to ignore it, and continued packing with renewed urgency. A sigh could be heard just before the door’s hinges creaked ominously. He tried very hard not to swivel around, and focused on zipping up his toiletry bag.
“Zanka.”
He ignored her, painful as it was.
“Zanka, look at me,” his mother uttered.
He froze, hands shaking. “Don’t worry mother, I will be out of your hair soon.”
Her kimono ruffled as she sat on his bed. Zanka avoided her gaze. She sighed again, which was uncharacteristic of her. She patted the bed next to her, “Come sit, child.”
He sighed, but he did as asked. His mother gently took his hands.
“Such lovely hands you have Zanka,” she murmured, “Such hard work you have put into this…” He looked away, uncomfortable. “It is a pity you must leave,” she said, staring at his calloused fingers.
“I’m sorry I let you down, mother.”
“Oh, there’s nothing to be sorry about,” she opined, “we’re not all cut to be Hell Guard.”
His shoulders sagged. Of course, he should have known.
“It might kill you, so it’s really for the best,” she continued.
His head shot up, “But I-”
She got up. Much like her, placing herself in a dominant position. He frowned, shutting up. Better let her finish, she wouldn’t listen to him. He felt his eyes begin to water, and tried to hold them back.
“Where will you go ?” she asked.
He looked her in the eyes, not giving in to the shame. “The Janitors. One of them told me they’re hiring.”
His mother nodded, letting go of his hands. She slipped her hand in the sleeve of her kimono. “I have something for you.”
When she got her hand out, she was holding a flat, rectangular box.
“What’s that ?” Zanka could not stop himself from asking. “A knife ?”
His mother sighed and closed her eyes, as if he had said something exceptionally stupid. “No,” she announced, “those are your aunt’s earrings.”
He eyed the box suspiciously. “Yeah…?”
“My sister was not Hell Guard either, so, it’s only fitting, really.” She gave him the box and turned to his door. “You’re the one who should wear them, not either of your siblings.”
Zanka held the box to his chest. He said nothing. His eyes were still watering no matter how hard he tried to hold it in.
“You live a good life, Zanka, an easy life.”
Zanka bit his lip in hesitation. His head finally shot up. “I’ll miss you.”
His mother smiled that gentle smile he had not seen on her face for a long time.
“I will always be with you Zanka,” she said, coming to cradle his face between her hands, “But I will not always be able to help you.”
He put their foreheads together. “You need to go, child. It is getting dark.”
And just like that, she was gone, with her unsaid words.
The box would sit unopened in his bag for a good six months. When he'll open it, the earrings won’t leave his ears.
…
His bag feels heavy on his back, but it's an exhilarating weight. His staff is light and fitting in his hand. He sneaks around the corridors of his house, coincidently above the Academy. He can see the other cadets studying in their rooms, lights blinking on in the night.
He’s almost out when a man’s voice stops him.
“Brother.”
Of course Gokka would be here. He’d always liked to lurk in the shadows, behind a corner, a hood or a hat. Zanka never understood him. He liked to bathe in the little sun they had.
“Will you not,” Gokka inquired, “bid me goodbye properly ?”
“I was under the impression you didn’t want to see me go,” retorted Zanka, “And not in a ‘I want you to stay’ way if you catch my drift.”
Gokka frowned. Crossing his arms and leaning on a decorative column. He sighed. Seriously, what was up with all his family members sighing at him recently, Zanka thought.
“Yeah I don’t mind much if you don’t want to say goodbye or anything, but…”
Zanka furrowed a brow at him.
“What about Hanaki,” his brother continued, “What will you say to he-”
“First off, I did say goodbye to all of you, but y’all seem to be unreasonable assholes today,” Zanka bit back. Agressivity came easily with Gokka. “And secondly, Hanaki will understand, since I’ll give him an explanation.”
“And don’t you think we deserve an explanation,” countered Gokka.
“Honestly ? No.” Zanka shifted on his feet, angling towards the exit. “You know why I can’t stay, but Hanaki doesn’t. And I don’t want to be the one to break his heart, y’know ?”
He and his brother were locked in rigid stances, facing one another. Their faces were similar and different at the same time, and Zanka realised that he and his brother didn’t know each other now, not at all. Gokka had been busy with being a perfect cadet and perfect soldier, while Zanka poured blood, sweat and tears into living up to the family name, and they hadn’t said much more than ‘Hello’ and ‘Goodnight’ to each other in a long while now.
“You know what ?” Gokka broke the silence, “Go to see Hanaki. Leave quickly, or Father will lock you up in the crypt.”
Zanka took a step back towards the outside. “I know what he’ll do, I’m still not staying.”
Finally out the door, he turned around and stepped rapidly away from the building.
“He’ll disown you, Zanka !” called out his brother, “You can’t come back after this !”
Zanka didn’t dignify him with a response. He knew.
…
If there was one thing he was good at, it was sneaking around. No attendants had spotted him yet, and he was already deep in the Afuji estate, near Hanaki’s apartments.
He slid the windowpane off to the side. It seemed Hanaki wasn’t in his room. Zanka hesitated, he didn’t want to leave without seeing his fiance, but if he waited anymore he’d miss the caravan which would take him away from here.
His hand hovered over the letter in his pocket. Should he just put it on the desk and leave ? Such hard decisions… The door slamming open spared him from making one.
“Zanka !” Hanaki was here, in his white-haired splendor, green eyes glinting mischievously. He freed his hair from the jade hairpin which held them in place.
The young man sauntered over to him like he owned the place —which he did, mind you— and said, “What are you doing here at this time of day ?”
Zanka avoided his gaze. “I need to tell you something.”
Hanaki tilted his head to the side, his pendeloque earrings clinking softly. “Why what’s wrong ?”
“I’m leaving town in an hour. My father will have me disowned by then.” Well, Zanka’s tact could use some work.
Hanaki’s face grew fixed. He fiddled with his kimono sleeve, and Zanka thought that he looked so much better in navy blues and narrow obi, than in whatever flowered orange kimono he was forced to wear.
“Can’t you stay ?” his fiance pleaded. “I’m sure we can think of some-”
“I can’t, Hanaki,” he managed to utter, gently prying Hanaki’s hands in his. “I’m a Giver now, I can’t stay at the Academy.”
His words seemed to make Hanaki aware of the staff leaning on the windowsill. His eyes shone with a new light of understanding.
“Such a lovely thing... so you really can’t stay, huh…”
Zanka felt a shiver down his spine, a giant’s hand gripping his heart between colossal fingers. A choked apology was teared out of his throat, “I’m sorry.” A sob, tears coming crashing down. “I’m sorry Hanaki.”
Zanka held his fiance close to him, the reality of his actions crashing down. He would lose all landmarks, all traces of familiarity gone. He realised he would probably never see Hanaki again, and hugged him all the tighter, to make up for the years of absence he would bring.
Hanaki himself wasn’t in a much better position. His face was huddled in the crook of Zanka’s neck, tears wetting the fabric of his jacket. Sobs teared through them like rusty blades. His fiance suddenly forced him back, sadness replaced with anger.
“You’re really leaving me alone ? After everything we lived through together ?”
“Hanaki, I’m…”
“No ! You promised ! Are you going back on it now ?!” Hanaki’s fists beat Zanka’s chest.
“I’m sorry, I, I can’t ,” Zanka stammered, “My father will kill me if I go back.”
He managed to push Hanaki back on his bed, pushing the letter in his hands.
“Everything is in there, you can send letters at the address inside,” he explained, “And I’ll send letters as soon as I can.”
“And if I’m still cross with you ? If I don’t send anything ?” Hanaki dried his tears shakily, furiously wringing his hands. “What will you do then ?”
Zanka shook. He knew his love was too giving. Once he learned to love someone, he would follow them to the end of the skies and love them until his dying breath. Even if that person no longer loved him , even if that person turned enemy. It was selfish, really, but he couldn’t help it.
“Then I will send you letters, even if you don’t read them.” He wiped his cheeks free of tears. “I will carry you in my heart even if you don’t answer. I will wait for the day you’re able to forgive me.”
“And if that day doesn’t come,” scoffed Hanaki, “what if I want to resent you forever ?”
“Then I will wait forever,” Zanka smiled sadly, “waiting on hopeless things seems to be my thing.”
His gaze trailed around the room they’d both spent a lot of time in. The scuffed wall there, the creaking floorboards, the carved windowsill… everything was a witness of their shared history.
His eye caught on the grandfather clock in the corner. It would soon be time for him to go.
“Zanka…”
Hanaki had moved back in front of him. He looked determined, his eyes glaring at him, shining fiercely. It suited him, Zanka thought, better than the sullen looks he gave to everyone else.
“You better still marry me, you son of a bitch.” And with that, Hanaki grabbed his face and kissed him. It was clumsy, chaste, and nothing like what Zanka imagined kissing Hanaki was like. But it was good, and he closed his eyes and embraced his fiance.
When they broke off, Zanka was sure his cheeks must have been a spectacular shade of red, unlike Hanaki’s, which were shyly dusted in pink.
“Now you gotta come back,” he smiled earnestly.
Zanka spluttered, unable to answer. Hanaki glanced at the clock.
“You should go now.”
“Yeah…yeah I should,” he answered weakly, having not yet come down from the high of kissing Hanaki, “Do you… no, it’s stupid.”
His fiance smiled innocently, “No wayyyy, tell me.”
Well, Zanka reasoned that Hanaki had asked for it. He looked shyly to the side. “If you wanna make sure I come back, why don’t you put a ring on it ?”
Silence overtook the room. Shit, was that too forward ? Did Zanka break Hanaki ? He shouldn’t have said anything, shit…
“I thought you’d never ask !”
H U H ?
And with that, Zanka’s ring finger was sporting a silver band engraved with stars. Hanaki waved his fingers, flaunting the matching ring.
“Now, dear,” he crooned, “it is time for you to go.” He quirked his head, closing his eyes, “Don’t miss me too much–”
Zanka stole a kiss to shut him up.
With that, he was out the window and disappearing in the shadows, leaving a flustered Hanaki to stare out at the sky.
…
Zanka is sitting in the back of a truck, leaning on its side, his staff in his lap. The wind is rushing through his ears and hair, and the speed of the vehicle makes him feel like he could do anything. He can’t stroke his lips because of the gas mask, but the kiss is on his mind still. The ring is glinting on his hand, and he will have to put it on a chain so as to keep it safe. He will come back for Hanaki. They shared rings and a kiss now, and he’s sure Hanaki will make it look like they’d done much more. He doesn’t know yet if the engagement will still be on, but he’s sure Hanaki would do anything to make his family regret it if they ever broke it off.
It is night, he is in the back of a crowded pick up with people laughing and talking with him, joking about young love and teenage rebellion and he has never felt more free. There’s a girl his age, too, in an oversized t-shirt and big boots, and when they make eye contact, he knows his euphoria is shared.
…
“So… what’s your jinki’s name ?”
“Its name ?”
“Yeah, did you name it yet ?”
“...”
“You’ll find one eventually.”
“... Lovely Assistaff. That’s her name.”
“... That’s a good name.”
“Yeah… she’s a good one, I can count on that.”
“Something inspired you all of a sudden ?”
“Someone, rather…”