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It had been nine years since Kazuhira had seen Emmerich. Nine years since the day he had lost everything. His life’s work gone up in inferno, all his blood, sweat, and tears whisked away in smoke by the frigid sea air. Motherbase could be rebuilt, new soldiers recruited, but that failure would haunt him forever. A constant ember glowing in the back of his mind, threatening to grow into a destructive blaze if not kept down.
Having Emmerich before him now was enough of a spark to turn those dying ashes into a wildfire. Finally the source of all his pain had a face, but more importantly, a body he could rip into. A physical thing he could tear apart and feed to his rage. The blistering heat he feels as he watches Emmerich’s leg bend far past its normal extension is euphoric. This was the release he had been longing for. His revenge has been carried out, and that ember can finally die.
But the next day comes, and the burning ache returns. Kaz was foolish to think he could rid himself of it, he had only managed to make himself forget it was there for a moment. Like a wolf finally tasting flesh after days of starvation, the rush of inflicting pain onto Emmerich had finally satisfied Kaz’s hunger, but now after his adrenaline cooled, he realized he had only been chewing on his own leg.
Huey had been his friend once. More than that really, but giving a name to what they had didn’t seem important at the time. Kaz had fun with him, sure, but it wasn’t serious. That’s what he kept telling himself over and over, but since his interrogation, he couldn’t get Emmerich out of his head.
Why would he sell them out to cipher? Why had he still proclaimed his innocence after several rounds of truth serum, and hours of torture? Why after all that, had he so quickly begun making weapons for them again?
These questions ran through Kaz’s head like a dog chasing its own tail. Always pursuing but never catching, and the longer he’d entertain these thoughts, the more uncomfortable they’d become.
What does he think of me now? Did he think of me at all since he’s been gone? Does he miss me?
It was quickly becoming too much to bear. He couldn’t be wasting his time agonizing endlessly over stupid questions, not when there was still so much work to do. Everyday there was a slew of new issues Kaz needed to have solved by yesterday, and Emmerich’s arrival had only seemed to make them multiply. His presence on Motherbase was still unknown to most of its residents, and yet it was as if just his act of being there had seeped into the iron support beams that held up the structure, poisoning all that that walked upon it.
It was that, or Kaz was losing his mind. Both possibilities seemed equally catastrophic.
Whatever the reason, it was becoming increasingly clear that this wasn’t the kind of thing he could just ignore. If Kaz wanted to rid himself of this turmoil, he would have to confront it head on.
That is what brought him to Emmerich’s lab. That desperate hope for some peace of mind. Even just standing at the door was causing the embers inside him to spark in agitation, but Kaz stomped them down, praying they would keep in check for at least a little while. Bracing himself for whatever he was getting himself into, Kaz pushed the door open and entered.
It took a few moments to locate Emmerich in the dim lighting, a task made more difficult by Kaz’s steadily worsening vision. Once upon a time he had been an excellent shot. Now he had to remove his sunglasses and squint just to catch a glimpse of the engineer’s form near the back of the room. As a soldier, his body was his most valuable tool, and even that was failing him. Kaz had barely entered the lab and he was already itching to leave. But that would mean giving up, and his pride was the one thing that hadn’t failed him yet.
Moving deeper into the dark, Emmerich’s shape slowly sharpened and became clearer. He was hunched over a table holding a mountain of diagrams Kaz couldn’t make any sense of. While his eyes remained glued to the papers before him, Emmerich’s fingers were tapping out a frantic rhythm against the wood, betraying his anxiety. He had known it was Kaz the second he had cracked open the door, and he was not going to make the first move.
Kaz grimaced. So he wasn’t even going to acknowledge him. Well, he could wait too. He could wait as long as it took for Emmerich to grow a spine and look him in the eye. Digging his crutch into the floor to signal his resilience, Kaz steeled himself for battle. Not that he needed to. He would never lose to someone so pathetic. Yet as Kaz held himself firm, Emmerich remained equally unmoving. While his incessant tapping continued on, his eyes never once moved.
Kaz’s eyes however, insisted on wandering. No matter how hard he tried to keep them trained straight ahead, they kept getting drawn back to Emmerich’s fidgeting hand. The light from a nearby desk lamp glinted across a simple metal band wrapped around his ring finger. Somehow Kaz hadn’t noticed it before, but now its soft glow was burning into him, igniting a spark he thought he had snuffed out years ago.
Is he married? When would he even be able to do that? Why does the thought of it make me feel-
Fuck the stupid battle. Kaz needed to get out of here, and far away from Emmerich, as soon as possible. So he conceded.
“What are you working on doctor?”
Emmerich’s head snapped up, his eyes wide, seemingly in shock at being addressed. Despite his surprise, he recovered quickly, granting Kaz a strained grin that reminded him of a cornered dog rolling over to show its stomach.
“Oh Miller! I apologise I didn’t hear you come in,” He lies as easily as he breathes, “’I’m just mulling over some possible new additions to D-Walker. It’s all very complicated I won’t bore you with the details.”
There was once a time when Kaz would have happily listened to Huey drone on and on about his robots. A time before this gaping distance had opened up between them. Even now as he stared Emmerich in the face, he still seemed so far away. Overcome by a sudden sense of urgency, Kaz lunges forward to grab ahold of Huey’s shoulder, the fire in his stomach climbing up to his throat. If there were any chance that he could reach Huey again he had to take it. He felt his anger burn away, and all his hurt turn to ash. The only thing he could feel now was the fabric of Huey’s shirt pressed snug against his palm.
If he could just reach out and touch him then maybe- maybe for once he could fix something instead of breaking it, and for the briefest moment, Kaz could almost believe he’d do it.
Then he felt Emmerich’s eyes on him and the air turned to ice. The carefully constructed placidity had melted away and Kaz was face to face with his unbridled hate. He knew with crystal clarity that if he had the means, Emmerich would have him dead where he stood, repaying every ounce of pain Kaz had thrust upon him tenfold.
Kaz shivered as a strange chill cut through him. All the way to the bone. Even after nine long years he couldn’t help but remember Huey as gentle. Stubborn and self-absorbed maybe, but also soft. Too emotional for his own good. Too hopeful. The man in front of him now was not that Huey. Some time during their time apart he had been destroyed completely. Had it happened all at once? An avalanche burying all signs of life under an unpentretable sheet of white emptiness? Or was it a gradual process, like a river carving out a gorge? Familiar edges sanded so slowly that it escapes notice until far too late.
It struck Kaz that he would never know what had happened, or when, only that it had. He can’t fix that.
His hand unclenches, releasing Emmerich from his grasp, who promptly takes a half-step backwards. Safely out of reach. The flash of cold hatred Kaz had glimpsed before evaporates as quickly as it manifested, but the polite smile the doctor had put on before doesn’t return. Now he just looks tired.
Kaz feels exhausted. This hadn’t got at all how he expected it to. He had shown up for no reason, made a fool of himself, and now was at an utter loss on how to remove himself from the situation without looking like a complete coward.
“...I’m very busy today, Miller. You should go deal with your other duties.”
Mercifully, Emmerich gives him an out.
“I see,” Kaz croaks, wincing at the weakness in his voice. “Stay out of trouble.”
Then he turns on his heel to leave, not able to look Emmerich in the eyes for even a moment longer. He still feels his sharp gaze cutting into his back until the door to the lap shuts behind him.
Kaz takes a deep breath. The frigid sea air stings his lungs, but it’s still a relief. He lets himself lean against the railing and takes in Motherbase in its entirety. Every time he looks at it seems to have grown another twisted limb. There was a time when this frantic advancement would have filled Kaz with pride, but now the site of metal structures climbing their way across the ocean like some terrible tumour only fills him with dread.
Nevertheless, he has a job to do, and he will continue to do it, stamping down as many thoughts of engineers as he has to.
For as long as he is able.