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at first, everything about youngjae was endearing.
he couldn’t pin down exactly what he loved most about youngjae. was it the way he’d wait for mark by the door every morning before he left just to kiss him? and how every evening, no matter rain or shine, he’d wait for mark’s classes to end just so they could walk back home together? or was it how indecisive he was, considering every option at hand and taking it all to heart. or the way he laughed with his entire body and how every smile he gave was genuine. or the way he looked at mark when he thought mark wasn’t looking?
on sundays, the days in which he has no place to be, mark awakes to soft kisses pressed along his jawline and a soft “good morning” mumbled into his neck. he considers these days to be his favorite days as he spends the most time with youngjae. they’d spend the morning in bed and wouldn’t get up until noon, as if they weren’t fully functioning adults. then they’d get around to starting their day by dropping by the cafe where jinyoung and jackson worked. finally they’d make their way home, hands intertwined and joking the whole way, all the while the smile on youngjae’s face never ceased. mark had never been so in love.
until he wasn’t.
he doesn’t know when it started, his falling out of love. suddenly everything he found endearing about youngjae became annoying. he grew tired of their routine. he wanted excitement.
so he no longer kissed youngjae in the mornings, when he did it was rushed and unloving. he’d tell youngjae that it was unnecessary to wait for him and that he could walk on his own, when they did he’d stay silent the whole time. he’d rush youngjae to quickly choose when faced with decisions, claiming to never having enough time. he’d grimace whenever youngjae laughed so loudly that people gave them looks. at first he didn’t know why he did these things or what changed in him to make him do so, but he could see it hurt youngjae. it was one thing he wished he could avoid.
on one sunday in particular mark couldn’t take it anymore and he lashed out at youngjae. he didn’t know what made him snap but he did, and afterwards he never regretted anything more in his life. it broke his heart to see youngjae’s eyes fill with tears, to see his lip quiver as he went to speak, to have him push away mark’s hand so harshly when he reached out. it did not help that they were in the cafe. all eyes were on them.
“I-I tried with you, I really did. when you began to brush me off I took it as you going through something and would open back up to me soon. but there’s only so little I can take, mark. I don’t know if it’s something I’m doing or have done to make you so angry these days but I’m sorry. am I not enough? are you no longer in love with me? have I grown boring? is there someone you’d rather be with?”
when he finished, he was shaking. tears fell mercilessly down his face as mark failed to respond. from the corner of mark’s eye he could see jackson holding jinyoung back from interfering with the two. when it was clear that mark would not respond, youngjae fled from the cafe.
mark sat there for an hour, thinking about what had happened. he could only wonder as to why he felt so empty. wasn’t he supposed to feel some sort of relief? some sort of joy? he got what he wanted, didn’t he?
he turned as if to ask for help from the pair behind the counter and for the first time since he met the younger, jackson ignored his silent plea. despite having been friends with jackson since high school, he was only met with looks of disgust by both he and jinyoung. he could not find it in himself to blame them.
when he finally left he walked toward the apartment aimlessly. he did not wish to face youngjae again.
to his surprise, that was one of the last times he’d ever see youngjae. when he returned to the apartment he found it more disorderly than usual, the closet mostly empty, and a small piece of paper on the bed.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t enough, yi-en. I loved you best I could.”
it was only then his heart really began to break.
the next day, mark really began to realize how much of his life youngjae took up. when he wasn’t there to kiss mark in the morning, or when he wasn’t waiting for mark in the evening, or there to cuddle him in the night, mark felt a part of his soul had left with youngjae. and this went on for days, weeks, months even.
each day since, mark would wake up feeling empty and only ever thinking of youngjae. he suddenly went from having a large circle of friends to having nobody to turn to. not even jackson would speak to him. more than anything he wished to have youngjae back, to hear his loud and sometimes obnoxious laugh, to talk to him, to kiss him, to just be with him.
mark wouldn’t see youngjae for another year and a half and when he would, his heart would break more than it had the day youngjae had left him.
it was the start of fall, the sweet fingertips of summer were brushing his shoulder as he walked into the cafe for the first time in what felt like forever. the usual soft music was playing over the speakers, the smell of caffeine filled the air, and the buzz of lively conversation between customers filled the gaps of silence. he made it to the register when he felt his entire body freeze. a laugh he’d know anywhere, a laugh so loud and obnoxious, filled the air. he turned and it took everything in his very being not to cry at the sight before him.
it was youngjae, looking better than ever. mark’s heart skipped a beat upon seeing the boy’s contagious smile. he wouldn’t be so upset if it weren’t for the man sitting across from him, hand intertwined with his, smiling right back at him. mark stands there for a very long time, watching as the man strokes youngjae’s face lovingly, how he speaks softly to him, how he payed close attention to every word youngjae spoke, just as mark had once before.
he doesn’t know how long he stands there until a voice breaks the silence.
“his name’s jaebum” says jinyoung, from behind the counter
“that’s nice” he returns quickly, as if not to seem bothered by youngjae’s moving on
“he makes youngjae happy, more than I think you ever did”
“that…that’s wonderful. I’m happy for him”
“I suggest you don’t fuck it for him, then”
“trust me, jinyoung, I won’t.”
he leaves the cafe without having ordered anything. he doesn’t even remember what he intended to purchase and anyway he doesn’t think he’d be able to stomach it even if he tried. for the first time in his life, he wishes he could turn back time.