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Astarion was sitting beside his tent looking intently at Auriel who was chatting with the others in front of the campfire. The day before, they had finally encountered Yurgir and Auriel was able to convince the orthon to kill himself and seal the deal between Astarion and Raphael, which in turn, allowed the vampire spawn to finally know what exactly the purpose of his scars was. Astarion was supposed to be sacrificed so his master could ascend. The initial shock left Astarion speechless, but Auriel promised him she’d help him defeat Cazador no matter the cost.
When he looked at her, reality hit him hard and true: she really meant every word. He felt awful. All these past months slipping into her sheets and tricking her into thinking they were a thing made him feel like he was the most horrible man to walk this earth. How could he have used her like that? How stupid of him to doubt any of her intentions up until that point. And then, reality hit him a second time: he was falling for her. Killing the orthon sparked the fire, true, but deep down, he had already began to sense something was not quite right whenever the two were together: she made him flustered most of the time. Was it really love?
“No, of course not. Or is it? Fucking hells, maybe…”
He had to do something about it. He needed to have a serious chat with her. It had to be now or he wouldn’t be able to do it anymore. With swift steps, he walked towards the campfire and touched her shoulder. She was laughing at one of Karlach’s jokes when he interrupted her to say:
“Do you have a moment? I think we need to talk.”
“Hey, Astarion! Why the long face?”
“I really need to tell you something. It’s urgent. Please, come.”
She stood up and followed him to his tent wondering what that was all about. The others all had curious faces and Auriel could hear the buzzing behind her as the two approached his tent. Did he get into trouble again looting the harpers at the inn? He turned to face her, and – what was that look? He seemed really worried.
“That doesn’t sound good.”
“Oh, it’s nothing terrible, it’s just… well, maybe it is a little terrible.”
“Right… What happened? You don’t look very well.”
“That’s one way of putting it.” He licked his lips nervously, trying to muster the courage to tell her the truth like it was. “Look, I had a nice plan. A nice, simple plan: seduce you, sleep with you, manipulate your feelings so you’d never turn on me.”
She looked confused for a moment, then a frown painted her face. He paused, giving her time to process it, fearing she’d just walk away without him being able to provide an explanation. She crossed her arms and nodded for him to continue.
He felt so ashamed he couldn’t look her in the eye. His next words came out almost like a whisper. “It was easy – instinctive. Habits from two hundred years kicked in. All you had to do was fall for it. And all I had to do was not fall for you…” He wanted to hold her, but his shame paralyzed him. He looked up and stared straight into her eyes, afraid of how she would respond. “Which is where my nice, simple plan fell apart. You are one of a kind.”
“Am I supposed to take that as a compliment after you admitting to using me all this time?”
“I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve any of it.”
“You never think before you do anything, Astarion. You just do it. To hells with how people will feel afterwards! Saying sorry isn’t going to cut it. I’ll leave you be.” She turned to leave and he grabbed her by her arm.
“Please, just please, let me finish.”
He could see how disappointed she was and it hurt him to see her that way. He thought about all the times he had let her be a goody two shoes and how happy she’d be when he approved of any of her actions. And how, later on, he realized he mattered to her: his opinions actually meant something. What a strange thing. Whenever he approved of something foolish, she would thank him with a big smile on her face and he’d always feel a little weak in the knees. She sought his approval constantly and he realized the more time they spent together, the more he made an effort to support her decisions because, even though he couldn’t understand why, Auriel was important. That had never happened before. Other people were just means to an end, but she… she was special.
“You… You’re incredible. You deserve something real.”
“And I guess this is the time you’ll say the problem is not me, it’s you.”
“On the contrary. I…” He struggled with romance - it frightened him. He almost sttutered the next words. “I want us to be something real. I really mean it.”
“That’s a lot to process…” Auriel was baffled. So he still wanted to keep on doing whatever it was that they were doing. Why was Astarion so fucking complicated? Gods!
But, then again, his past was full of real trauma and hurt, so complicated was part of the package and she was willing to accept him for who he was. She liked him so much, she wanted him with all his imperfections.
She breathed deeply and decided the best course of action would be to just be patient. ”I just need to know and, please, do be honest for once: were you even attracted to me? Or was it all a lie?”
Desperation got a hold of him. He didn’t want to lose whatever it was that they didn’t have yet. He had been so incredibly reckless with their affair, so irresponsible with her feelings. Knowing her, he would understand if she hated him and never wanted to see him again. But he couldn’t bear the thought. He had to find a way of making it right. It dawned on him: he wanted her like he had never wanted anyone before.
“Of course I was attracted to you. Look at you, for goodness’ sake. You’re a vision. And you’re so much more than that. Auriel… please, you can hate me, it’s what I deserve, but give me a chance and I’ll do anything to make you see I really want us to be together. Gods, I’ll even beg.”
That had definitely been the worst confession of her life so far. Nonetheless, she knew how difficult everything had been for him until they found each other. He had to make do with what life had given him and she would make the effort to try and understand his reasons: he had to survive and she happened to be the one who could help him. In his twisted way, he trusted her enough to think of her as the ally, someone who could actually help him find a way to escape his master’s thrall.
“What do you want to do now?”
No one ever cared to ask him what he wanted except her. He felt he could finally relax. “I want to be with you, if that’s what you want, too. That’s all I know right now. I don’t know what to think… I don’t know what I want.”
“What about the nights we spent together? Did they mean anything to you?”
“Of course they did. And that’s the problem. The nights we spent together meant so much. But, being close to someone – any kind of intimacy - was something I performed to lure people back for him. Even though things between us are different, being with someone still feels… tainted. Still brings up those feeling of disgust and loathing. I don’t know how else to be with someone. No matter how much I’d like to. But I want us to be together, no matter how. I truly do.”
Auriel took a step closer to him and studied his face. How could she say no? “Astarion… Look. I care about you. Deeply.”
“Really?”
She hugged him tenderly. At first, he felt paralyzed, trying to make sense of the moment, but he quickly gave in and held her back. He didn’t want to let go of her and when she broke from his embrace, he almost said the three words he’d been trying to keep at the back of his mind. If he said it out loud, then whatever it was he was actually feeling would be real enough and right now he didn’t want to be foolish. He didn’t want to accept that, yes, he was very much head over heels for the woman in front of him and love would be a liability, especially with Cazador hunting him down. He smiled and she smiled back, reassuring him:
“We can try and see where this goes, I’d like that a lot. But you have to promise to make an effort to be open with me. Can you do that?”
“I’ll try not to disappoint you from now on.”
“Silly man, you didn’t disappoint me in any way. And, just to be clear, we can be together without sleeping together, for as long as you need.”
“Hah! That almost sounds like a challenge.”
“You could have told me how it made you feel much before all of this. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t feel like it.”
“Thank you. Honestly, I have no idea what we’re doing or what comes next.” He grabbed her hand and gave a soft squeeze. “But I know that this… this is nice.”
“Shall I go to my tent?”
“No. I want to keep spending the nights with you like we’ve been doing. I need to know things aren't weird between us because of the lack of sex.”
“Okay. Come here, then.”
Auriel gently guided Astarion to the bedroll, so he could lie next to her. She tried giving him space but he brought her closer, hugging her once again and, this time, he wouldn’t let her be free from his embrace unless someone in the camp was actually dying. She broke the silence.
“Why didn’t you tell me how bad it was for you, when we made love?”
“I wanted to make you feel good without bothering you with any of my problems.”
“Astarion, let’s make a deal.”
“It depends on the deal, my dear.”
“Don’t ever put my priorities over yours. Ever, do you hear me?”
“I can try. Though, I still don’t know how with you. I care about you too much… and after so many years with no command over my own wants and needs, it’s all so overwhelmingly difficult.”
“I’ll help you through it all. I won’t go anywhere.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, darling.”
“Cross my heart and hope to die.”
He smiled faintly and there was a hint of sadness in the next words that came out of his mouth – from his personal experience, everyone related to him eventually died. There was no happy ending for the vampire spawn. “I sincerely hope you don’t.”
“I said we’d defeat him and I’ll make sure we do. You’ll finally be free to do whatever you want to do.”
“What if I want to stay with you?”
“Then, let’s hope you’ll still want that after everything is over.”
Auriel was so sure of it all, that it made him less fearful for his fate when they finally reached Baldur’s Gate. Still, there was a chance things went sideways and he didn’t want to let anything bad happen to her. The thought of losing her scared him and he needed to do anything in his power to protect her from Cazador.
“Are you sure about all of this, darling? I come with so many problems.”
“I am. Your problems don’t frighten me. They give me a reason to fight for you.”
He closed his eyes and sighed in exasperation. “I wish things were simpler for both of us. I wish I was still a magistrate back in the city and we met under different circumstances.”
“There’s no point in dwelling in the past. We’re here now. We have to make do with what we have.”
“You’ll have to pinch me, dear. Are you real or am I still in that bastard’s palace just hallucinating it all?”
“I can assure I’m real. All of this is real, I’m afraid. The tadpoles, the Absolute, Ketheric Thorm… Even Gale.”
He laughed heartily at her remark. “Gale is the least of my problems right now.”
“We’ll make it through, I promise you. We have each other.”
“I’m glad you have my back. Truly. But it’s so frustrating when I think back on how my life could have been like had I not passed that law and made the Gur come after me.”
“What can I do about it?”
“Just be yourself. The same old Auriel. I don’t need pity.”
“I don’t pity you. I want to help you. I want you to be happy.”
“If we defeat that son of a bitch and survive all of this Absolute nightmare, I’ll take you for myself and we’ll be happily ever after, then. What does that sound like?”
“Promises, promises.” She nestled her head on his chest and smiled. Outside, there was only the sound of the campfire still crackling. The others had probably retired to their own tents.
“Darling, I might surprise you…”