Archive of Our Own

Perhaps the argument had started somewhere mid-air over Germany, as Nix helplessly watched his plane explode from the relative safety of his chute. At least he had a chance, at least he was out of the plane.

He asked himself what the hell he was doing here? And, to reinforce that question, he had been hustled away as soon as the battle was over when the word was trickling back that a large percentage of the newer C-46s had blown up. It was time to get rid of the observer from the 101st, which was fine by him.

Now he was back home. Barely listening to Dick as he uncomfortably kept to the edges of the room and asked questions that were more reminiscent of what he'd expect from his wife. 'Still drinking only the Vat, huh?'. 'You tell them what you always tell them?'. 'Did you hear me, you've been demoted?'. He stared off into the darkness, glass in hand and numb well before the Vat could really do a damned thing to make that happen. Anger was brewing, anger at everything. To feel again, he would fight. It was who he was. He was, after all, his father's son.

And true to his nature he was getting angry because Dick really thought he did all this for the stars on his jump wings? The rank? The glory? Finally, after just one more pitiful look too many, his eyes leveled at Dick and he hissed, "Why are you so clueless?"

Dick blinked. There was venom in that. "You think I don't understand what it's like losing men?"

Nix barked a laugh, downed the contents of his glass and flipped it over and slammed it down on the table as if it were a shot glass. "Jesus Christ, Dick, you think I do this job for the promotions, citations, medals and my resume?"

"No. I know you do it because you believe..."

"I do it for you. I stopped caring about God and country when your naive ginger ass showed up at OCS. I joined the paratroopers with you, for you, to serve you. And every step of the way I have done my job, and exceeded what was needed only to assist you. I name dropped the Nixon name to get tanks from Teddy Roosevelt, Jr on Utah beach for you, for Christ sake. You want, I give. Well, sorry to disappoint you, but a lot of boys gave their lives today for something I didn't need to observe...and I have my reservations about needing to be done at all. Mid-air, I realized if I wasn't by your side there wasn't really all that much I gave a shit about. Sorry for your loss, Mrs. Fill-in-the-blank Momma of a dead boy, at least it wasn't me. At least it wasn't Dick Winters. At least he wasn't here."

Dick was left to stare back at those intense gray eyes he had stared into for years without knowing what was really looking back at him. "We all fight for the man next to us, Lew..."

"Oh for fucks sake, Richard!" Nix rans his hand through his hair and threw his head back against the chair. "I love you, you idiot. I love you more than life itself. And I do mean love you more than a brother, or a best friend, I fucking love you in the most intimate meaning of the word. You gave the word meaning, meaning I never knew."

Dick watched him, the tell-tale smirk of Lew's that says he's lit the fuse and is ready to self-destruct. That he's lashed out with truth as a last resort. That he's going to sit there and wallow in self-loathing, and use this moment to accelerate it. Despite being actually clueless all these years, Dick is quick to acknowledge his feelings and act on them. "I love you too, Lew."