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The dinner in Puqi Shrine tonight is a normal one. Which… still, admittedly, feels odd for poor Chaoxing. After everything, it’s quite difficult to believe that something this calm is not just the precursor to something more damaging on their psyche.
Difficult to believe that he’s finally with the two he adores, and that they are open with displaying their affection right back.
He still spends time on the farm, of course. His sister has yet to take over the farm herself, and he doesn’t want her and Grandfather to take care of it all on their own. Though lately, he spends more time at the shrine than he has before… even though the area Xie Lian set on fire has long since been restored.
It is a normal night, but it is still a new normal. A normal where he sits with two beautiful men, his dog either exploring or resting outside before bed, the food crafted by San Lang’s hands — because while San Lang may somehow be capable of consuming what Xie Lian makes without succumbing to a worse fate, Chaoxing himself is not quite so fortunate… Or strong enough to fake it.
As they eat in a silence that is comfortable at the start (for the most part… Chaoxing always feels a little awkward, since he has yet to adjust to this all, even though the other two manage to always seem so put together in comparison), the brunette’s gaze turns to them. Admiring them.
Xie Lian is really quite beautiful, and there’s a grace to even how he eats. His long hair frames his face in a way that manages to always get Chaoxing’s heart racing, and his lashes flutter against his pale cheeks with every blink.
San Lang is much the same, though his appeal is somehow even more unobtainable than the former. There is something about him that is less beautiful, though still attractive. A sort of dangerous air that Chaoxing can’t put a finger on the source of. Maybe it’s in the leisurely way he holds himself, refined and graceful, though unworried with anything that may cause another to fret and stress. As though he’s never been touched by anything he can not handle, and knows there will not be a single day in which he will be disgraced by such a thing.
And then there is Chaoxing. Chaoxing, the farmboy, who feels plain in the most unbearable way when compared to these two men. Chaoxing, who, even when in a proper relationship, can not help but feel like an intruder when he remembers the way San Lang watches Xie Lian — when he knows that they have a history and relationship he may never know.
Chaoxing, who frets so very much that this whole thing is only because they pity him.
As the farmer gets lost in his own thoughts, his eyes drifting down to his plate, the very two he is thinking of notice the odd behavior coming from their shared lover.
While it isn’t typical for Chaoxing to be expressive at all, the trio has spent quite a bit of time together by now. Enough for them to learn him, even if they have yet to know him in his entirety. Enough for them to know, at the very least, that something is troubling the poor man.
Xie Lian’s own gaze is thrown to Hua Cheng, marred with worry. He is too polite to bring this up on his own — or, to be more accurate, he is unsure of how to inquire about it without doing so in too rude of a manner.
Hua Cheng, of course, knows what this look is for. It would be remiss of him not to. Not when he is familiar to Xie Lian to an extent in which he might know him more than the god knows himself.
With the light smile that remains ever-present on his face when Xie Lian is near, the dark-haired man turns his head to Chaoxing, focusing on the dazed farmer. Eyes glazed over and movements delayed, as though he’s weaving in and out of his own mind, needing to remind his body that he’s in the middle of eating.
After a beat to analyze the situation, he speaks up, his voice coming out smooth — as it always does.
“Are you feeling alright, A-Xiang?”
The sudden chatting breaking the silence snaps Chaoxing out of his thoughts. His eyes clear up and dart to San Lang. Then to Xie Lian, and back to San Lang. It takes a few moments for him to realize he must have worried the two with his silence.
Feeling even more terrible for making them fret over his own insecurities, Chaoxing has to push down both that and the bit of warmth in his chest that sprouts from them caring about him at all, his face heating up. With the slight smile he puts on whenever he’s pretending to be okay, he waves his hand, trying to brush away their concerns.
“Oh, don’t worry, I’m fine- Just thinking about some things.”
While San Lang’s reaction is much more difficult to parse, Xie Lian’s is quite clear. His worry does not fade — if anything, it seems to become enhanced when Chaoxing denies anything serious plaguing his mind. It is quite unusual for the god to be the one to press these concerns, and yet he does, his body subconsciously leaning closer to Chaoxing’s.
“Are you sure? You can tell us if anything in particular upsets you.”
Chaoxing swallows. It’s quite difficult to deny Xie Lian anything when the god is looking at him like that. Even with him fretting over Chaoxing (something he feels a mix of guilt and some measure of pleasure over, the latter only contributing even more to the former), his eyes are shiny and his face beautiful. On top of that, the other is just so adorable that it’s always a struggle to say ‘no’, if only because Chaoxing will feel as though he kicked a puppy when Xie Lian tries to stifle his own disappointment.
The farmer throws a look over to San Lang for help, but the bastard also attractive ghost offers him nothing besides a shrug, in that same laidback fashion he always has. Seems all smug about it, too. He knows Chaoxing’s suffering, and it is rare for him to turn down Xie Lian for anything, either. The prince simply has a personality that begs to be spoiled and pampered.
Both of them are equally susceptible to it. Unfortunately for Chaoxing.
Even though he isn’t expressing it very much on the outside, the fluster he is experiencing right now has him feeling as though his face is far warmer than it actually is. He can’t tell whether he wants to lean away from the shorter man, or lean into him. It’s all much too overwhelming for his poor heart.
He swallows, again, delaying his answer for just a moment longer. And then he relents, voice coming in a defeated murmur.
“Well… I suppose, I do wonder at times, if you two are only with me out of pity. It feels as though I can’t compare. And that…” He hesitates, trying to gather what he wants to say.
Because, what does he want to say? What can he say without feeling utterly pathetic for it?
“That I’m intruding on your relationship.” That he doesn’t belong. “And I worry I burden you two.” That San Lang doesn’t want him here.
Almost immediately after the words leave his lips, he forces a small laugh, trying again to wave it off. “But, really, don’t worry about it-”
“You aren’t a burden on us at all!” Much like Xie Lian’s previous insistence, the prince actually cutting Chaoxing off is also unfamiliar, even if it is for the sake of reassuring him.
It catches Chaoxing off-guard. Even more so when combined with the further distressed expression painting Xie Lian’s face, his frown seeming to grow.
They make eye contact for what could only be a couple of seconds before Xie Lian sits upright again, looking somewhat sheepish and apologetic about his outburst. His eyes drift off to the side, and it is clear that he’s trying to figure out what to say. How to say it. Put his thoughts into words.
It is San Lang who speaks up next. He is always so put together — especially when you compare him to the other two often floundering individuals he spends the majority of his time with. “If we didn’t want you here, we would have told you by now, A-Xiang.”
Like usual, San Lang manages to sound flippant about it, even when he is technically comforting the other. Still, though, Chaoxing isn’t used to any form of reassurance when it comes to San Lang to begin with. It’s… a step. One he trusts, but can not believe. That confusing mix of emotions remains a plague on his heart. Something convoluted that he struggles to make out, and that he is unsure he will ever be free from.
Chaoxing knows the taller man isn’t being dismissive. San Lang doesn’t use pretty, empty words. Not with Xie Lian. And not with Chaoxing.
… They have something they share, then, with him. Something about that cheers him up, and when he brings his eyes up to meet San Lang’s, he swears his heart skips a beat.
He does not look at him with the same reverence he does towards Xie Lian, no. He might never do that. And even then, that isn’t exactly what Chaoxing wants. Now that he is closer to the both of them like this, he knows he doesn’t want to be Xie Lian. He just…
He wants both of them. Is that selfish of him?
Perhaps. But when San Lang looks at him with a sort of acknowledgment and affection he has never seen before, he doesn’t think that’s quite so bad. Maybe it’s okay to be a little selfish.
If it feels this good, it can’t possibly be terrible for you, right?
And at the same time, it hurts so much.
Maybe that is his punishment for this indulgence.
He can’t tell. His feelings are all caught up in a tangled mess. They always have been. They may always be.
He doesn’t even realize he’s begun to tear up until Xie Lian starts fretting nearby. “Ah, don’t cry, A-Xiang! It’s okay! We don’t have to talk about it anymore if it upsets you-” The panicking on Xie Lian’s end is endearing in its own right, and Chaoxing can’t help another small smile, which briefly makes Xie Lian think poor Chaoxing is losing it.
At a loss for what to do, he looks between the somewhat amused San Lang and the equally difficult to read Chaoxing, and settles for petting his head, like he’s a dog. “It’s alright. We’re here for you.”
San Lang laughs at this, finally rising to stand, coming around to their side of the dining set-up. “I don’t think that’s the right way to make him feel better, Gege…” There’s a teasing edge in his voice that makes both Xie Lian and Chaoxing flush, though the latter has no complaints in regards to being touched by Xie Lian. If anything, he wants so desperately to melt into it.
Realizing he’s making a big scene, however, Chaoxing coughs and finds his voice, forcing himself to speak up yet again. “Ah… I’m really sorry for worrying you both-”
Again, Xie Lian cuts him off before he can continue on that path. “You don’t need to apologize for something like that.” He’s deciding to ignore San Lang’s teasing for now, even though his gaze on him is making him struggle to shove down how embarrassed he feels while speaking to Chaoxing. “We can work on that together. Do you want to?”
Xie Lian knows, in his older age, that he can not offer anything at this moment to cure Chaoxing of his insecurities. Not immediately. Maybe, when he was younger, he would say one of the many mortifying things he had before. Callous and all too sure of himself.
These words draw Chaoxing out of where his thoughts had begun to drift yet again. The few tears that left him have stopped running, and he seems about as calm as ever, the brief show of emotion all but gone.
Leaning into Xie Lian’s touch, he looks down at him, and then up at San Lang, still not wanting to overstep in any way. “... Do you want to?” His question is a cautious one, words careful, refraining from being forceful in any way.
At this, something in San Lang’s smile shifts. It’s more…
Welcoming? Soft? He can’t tell, the enigma that this man is.
“Whatever A-Xiang and Gege wants.”
❁