Work Text:
You are walking somewhere. You do not know where you are going. You do not know why you are walking there. Your mind is absent.
But you do not want to stop. It all seems very familiar. You do not have your gear, nor your revolver with you. The sun beats down calmly on the earth, illuminating it and giving it life once again.
You continue to walk. Mind empty of all thoughts. Heart free of any emotion. You feel no purpose. You do not know why you are here, but you know, maybe, if you keep going, you will find out why you are here. I guess that could be considered your purpose then.
Your brain is hazy. Your memories long-faded, blurred and forgotten, as if they do not matter. You can't recall anything leading up to this - you don't even know how you got here.
Stupid.
You hate this place. You loathe it. You do not remember any other place but you despise it with all the hate that is left inside of you. It is too exposed here. No places to hide. You will get hunted down. You will get found. You will get-
"Hey! XXX!" A young boy calls over to you. You stop dead in your tracks. This is all too familiar. Chasing after someone who's just too bright and loving for you to comprehend how they live in the same cruel, unforgiving world that you inhabit.
It's familiar.
You do not know this boy. You do not know this boy. You do not know this boy. You have never met him in your life. He has never helped you and you have never helped him. He is not someone you remember.
You walk towards the peculiar creature. He smiles, welcoming and encouraging you to sit under a few trees in the shade with him. You sit down as if you have done this a thousand times before, as if this is something you have done often.
"I'm sorry I haven't been there for you recently, I know it's been tough and we've been busy... but I just feel really bad and I really wanna help you the best I can. Y'know." He says. You do not know this boy. You do not know this boy.
You are a secretive person. You don't tell anyone anything, and you stick to your tasks and do your job and you are obedient. This boy is a liar. He puts on a cheap façade to gain the trust of others. You do not know him.
You stare into the deep forest, inattentive and trying to forget. Trying to forget it all. Forget it all and everything will go away.
You feel as if you are in a nightmare. You feel as if you are in hell. Are you being punished again for your misdeeds?
"Honestly, I wish I was there for you. When you..... yeah. I'm not mad about it. I'm the one who screwed up. Just know. Please. I forgive you." The boy pleads and puts his hand on your shoulder. Suddenly, it is like you are years in the past.
You forgot what it felt like. You have buried yourself so extensively within your own head that you have forgotten what it felt like. What it felt like to love. What it felt like to cherish. What it felt like to feel anything but numbness.
Did you ever truly heal? You still cling to these emotions that you vow you have purged and eradicated from your soul.
The warmth. The comfort. The stillness.
No one has ever made you feel a feeling like that ever before.
Except him.
"Please. I know it's hard. But, I do not blame you for anything you did. I know that you are wanted, I know you have to live in the shadows. I just wish I could've been... your light. Your sun. Your guardian. Your saviour. A little bit self-centred, I know. I'm just... sorry. There's a lot that I regret."
Those words.
You do not remember. This boy is unimportant. You are not sentimental. You do not care for personal connections or relationships or any other people apart from yourself.
So why does your heart still ache? It has been aching for a long time. You refuse to let go. You refuse to let go of what you lost. You refuse to let go of what is now dead and gone. You refuse. Your ache will never go away. You know it.
"Please, you know that it is my fault that it had to come to that, right? That you had to XXXX XX?" Those last two words are silenced. You do not know why. But your heart fills in the blanks for you.
You want to die. You have wanted to die for a while. Everyday, you think about finally pulling the trigger. Everyday, your pulse weakens and a part of you rots away.
This boy is someone that you remember. From a life. A life long passed. A life that you used to live.
This boy is someone that you don't want to remember. He's no longer here. The memories of him are agonising. You did this. You did this to him.
Owning up and being centre-stage is something you have never particularly liked. Constantly running away from everyone. Any attention is bad. You choose to shut everyone and everything out so you can get a chance at survival. What a depressing way to live.
So why did you let him in? Why? What is so special about him?
You refuse to look at him. You refuse to face him.
"I'm sorry." The boy laughed, choking a little on sobs. "I love you. Please. Don't ever forget that."
Something you hate. You hate him. You hate him. You hate him so much. You wish he would go away, once and for all. Or, at least, that's what you used to tell yourself.
This boy is someone who you wish you had never met.
You ruined him. The boy smiles for his final time and wipes his tears, taking on the sunlight as if he were an angel.
You shut your eyes, in effort to forget, one last time.
The memory fades.
Your mind is dazed.
You forget.
You open your eyes once more, peering down at the scene below you.
A gravestone.
One decorated with pretty shades of red that you find awfully appealing. It reads 'OUR DEAREST SWORD, THE SUN SHINED BRIGHTER WHEN HE WAS HERE.'. Those words are meaningless to you.
You should probably get going.
The Church needs you.