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“Jeonghan-ah! Jeonghan-ah!”, Seungcheol shouts even though he’s only 3 chairs away.
“What, what?”, a dreary Jeonghan awakens with.
“Look,” Seungcheol shoves his phone playing a video of a rabbit chomping on a big lettuce leaf. “Looks like you.“
“Yah, that’s what you woke me up for!” Jeonghan retorted, playfully hitting the man’s arm.
“Ah! Ow Ow Ow!” Seungcheol pouted.
“Oh please, I know that didn’t hurt. Your arms are so big I’d barely make a dent.” Jeonghan pointed out matter-of-factly.
With a cheeky smile Seungcheol went back to conversing with his other friend Jihoon, thus Jeonghan went back to his nap, or at least tried, but ended up just staring out the window.It was times like these that Jeonghan realized that he would never get over these feelings. Times where Seungcheol would show him tiny heartwarming reminders that he thought of him, thought of their friendship . Because that’s all they were to Seungcheol; friends. Unfortunately, Jeonghan had gotten way past that.
From their first interaction in their freshman year, when a napping Jeonghan had gotten hit by a stray soccer ball in the courtyard.
Seungcheol had come over, apologizing for bothering the sleeping man, introducing himself and saying that he was losing a match to his friends. He didn’t know if it was his bashful admission or that gummy smile but something compelled him to kick that ball all the way to the goal, winning the round for the boy (he just attributed this attitude to not wanting to get disturbed again, cause that’s all it was).But he kept seeing him again after that. Entering the cafeteria, he’d hear Seungcheol complaining to his friends about bad cafeteria food. From his 4th period class on the third floor overlooking the PE class on the court, he saw Seungcheol getting cheered on after scoring a shot during basketball. After school, when Jeonghan would stay behind and wait for Joshua to finish guitar club, he’d see Seungcheol lofting around in the gym with his friends.
At one point, Jeonghan had found himself, surprisingly given how lazy he was, in the gym one late afternoon. While waiting for Joshua, he found himself shooting some hoops. His PE teacher had told him that he had a weak throw and Jeonghan being Jeonghan, pettines beat his laziness.
“Shit, missed again”, Jeonghan cursed in the empty gym at missing the hoop again. He was good enough to shoot from close up to at least the midline, but once he got to the other side he kept missing. After a particularly bad attempt and a cursing storm, a sweaty Seungcheol walked in.
“Hey, see you're having trouble shooting? I can show you what I do, I’m quite good at basketball,” offered the boy. Being fed up, Jeonghan let him take over the court without much struggle. For the next 30 minutes, Jeonghan and Seungcheol got well acquainted (properly this time, no ball attacks). From then on, a unique friendship bloomed.
The energetic Seungcheol would yap Jeonghan’s ear off anytime they met, and often forced the man (let’s be honest, Jeonghan let himself be dragged, only feigning stubbornness) to play sports since he knew Jeonghan wasn’t bad, just lazy.
From their sophomore year till their senior year now, they always ended up in the same class where they got closer and closer. Sharing videos on social media, after school casual sport matches, skipping classes to go to the arcade.
And one day, for Jeonghan, everything changed.
After a rather sleepless night, Jeonghan found himself in a quiet part of the courtyard behind the art building. A nice spot under a tree that had the right amount of shade and warm sunlight. Jeonghan wasn’t ashamed to skip class, he had before and he knew the teacher gave the class a free day every other Thursday so attendance wasn’t being taken and nothing new was being taught. Perfect situation to skip and nap. He knew Seungcheol stayed behind to talk to Jihoon, as they always played the same mobile games, so he would really only come to find him after class was over. With seemingly all the peace in the world surrounding him, Jeonghan let sleep take him.
It was only after an hour did Jeonghan feel something moving over him. Waking up with blurry vision, he quickly realized his head was propped up on a lap, a jacket laid over him.
“Oh, sorry. Did I wake you? I was just adjusting my jacket over you.”
It was Seungcheol. How’d he find him? Crap, was he late for the next class?
“No, it's fine. Is it time for the next class yet?” Jeonghan replied drearily, trying to get up, only to get pushed down gently by Seungcheol back onto his lap.
“Ah, I came to find you after the previous class ended but you were dead asleep. You were quite out of it today so I just thought to let you rest. I told the gym teacher that you had a migraine and I would take care of you so we’re both free to skip.” Seungcheol said with a cheeky smile.
“Ok… thanks. But why am I on your lap?”
“Your head was at an awkward angle, so I thought my lap would help you from getting an actual headache. Plus it was getting windy, thus the jacket.”
“Oh,” Jeonghan was slightly taken aback. To be taken care of so easily, was new but not unwelcome. It almost made his heart skip a beat. “Still, I should get up so your legs don’t go numb-”
“Ah ah. It’s fine, you go back to sleep. I can just go back to my game. Go on Jeonghan-ah. Sleep, sleep.” Seungcheol hurried with a pout, fixing the jacket over his friend.
To understand how much Jeonghan needed the sleep, taking the initiative to reassure him too, it might have been too much for him. That, and maybe also being surrounded by the warmth of the jacket, his body, and the stupidly good cologne Seungcheol wore. Even with a racing heartbeat, comfort and calm overtook his system. He’d worry about his feelings later, now was sleep with Seungcheol’s help.
Of course, thinking about that moment much later, he worried a lot about his feelings. For the first couple days, his mind was a mess. How would he keep acting the same? Internally, he doubted every action he made. Externally, he was still the same lazy friend Seungcheol knew. Nobody knew about Jeonghan’s now year and a half old bloomed feelings, only him, his mind and heart. Would he tell him eventually? Maybe, but now was not the time. He had an inkling of a feeling that if Seungcheol liked anyone beyond friendship, it wasn’t him.
Of course, Jeonghan had made many excuses for why he couldn’t tell Seungcheol his feelings, much beyond wanting to stay close to him in some capacity instead of not at all. He also tried rationalizing his behavior. Seungcheol was kind to everyone, went out of his way for all his friends, and supported them unconditionally. Jeonghan wasn’t an exception, he couldn’t be, might never be. He didn’t even know him that long, definitely not as long as Jihoon.
Jeonghan hated to say that he had passing times where he was jealous of Jihoon. What right did he have to do that? Jihoon was a smart guy, creative and although had a relatively grumpy face, was arguably friendly to all his friends. Seungcheol and Jihoon had known each other from an early age and shared many interests over that time, a list growing along with them. Seungcheol went out of his way to integrate Jihoon into conversations, knowing the guy was not the best at communicating with others. He remembered Jihoon’s talents and constantly gave praise, no matter how much Jihoon hit him out of embarrassment. He laughed with him, gave hugs and lifted him in the air sometimes, knowing when his clinginess was welcomed or not. They were close, no one could deny that. Knowing how much Jihoon meant to Seungcheol, whether he thought of him as just a very close friend or, to where Jeonghan’s mind would wander to jealousy, more than a friend was something Jeonghad could not ignore and attempt to tear apart. To add insult to injury, Jihoon and Jeonghan got along relatively well, Jeonghan even considered him a friend. So as a friend, it felt right to protect his jealousy from clouding his judgement of a man he knew. Of course, that didn’t mean he never felt jealous. But guilt and protectiveness would soon follow. Saying anything would break this balance, and he couldn’t drive a potential rift between two childhood friends.
But every now and then, when class was too boring or he was having a sleepless night or when his mind would wander, he had many what if’s.
What if he told him?
What if he said yes?
What if he said no ?
What if he told him too soon?
What if he told him too late ?
What if they stayed friends?
What if they didn’t stay friends?
What if Jihoon found out?
What if Jihoon hated him ?
What if Seungcheol liked him back?
What if Seungcheol hated him ?
That . Jeonghan had to stop at that one. The one thing that he had to avoid, at all costs, the one thing he would never be able to bear, no matter how nonchalant of a person he was, it was something that he would never be able to handle. He wouldn’t be able to go on if that happened, wouldn’t be able to stay calm or collected, if the one person who kept his boring world spinning left with all the color he brought.
He had been staring out the window for a while now, with Seungcheol and Jihoon in the background yelling over the next battle of their game. They were both loud and most of the class also had their own little circles of conversation, but Seungcheol drowned everyone out. For Jeonghan, no matter how loud, Seungcheol’s voice and mere presence was the only thing his brain prioritized from the moment it had been taken over by his heart.
For all the what if’s about Seungcheol that caused him internal turmoil, they also gave him unbelievable euphoria for what could be, if only in a happy alternative universe. So for now, he will deal with all his what if’s about his secret crush on his good friend Seungcheol.